Who needs friends anyway?

[Taylor105]

I thought our meeting went pretty well. I guess I was wrong. Here is part of an e-mail she sent me after having met me in real life.



"Sorry I missed your call. don't feel bad if i don't seem to want to hang out or phone chat very often though, it's got nothing to do with you. i think i've gotten really comfortable in my small world. i keep getting told that i need more friends and indeed i know it's true but for some reason i find it hard to stretch out."



Yet this girl sought me out and then pretty much begged me to hang out with her. I knew I should have just stayed in my hole. It's easier that way. I may be lonely but at least I won't have my feelings hurt.

[Sandra]

Hun I'm sorry sending you some of these :hugs: :hugs:

[Tamara Croft]

Awww, that's so sad :( :hugs: :hugs: I'm sorry it didn't work out for you.

[Wendy me]

Taylor that sucks big time relay in your 24 short years if that's your biggest let down you have done good .... look at this way it's her loss .... yar i know that feeling that being in your own hole is easier and safer ..... that's not it .... you know that ....

come on out of that hole ..... go out and do something silly just for Taylor

i know that won't fix things for good but for a little while it's a start .... hope you start feeling better soon.....

[Frankie-Dear]

:(:hugs::hugs: You're better off without her, then. Keep your chin up. :hugs:

[Devon James]

This sucks Taylor, this really sucks.
Hold your head up high!
:hugs:

[CaptLex]

Who needs friends? We all do - but for some people making friends and keeping them is harder than others.

Her response may not have anything to do with you, Taylor. If she's sincere, it sounds like she was trying to get out and make friends,


i keep getting told that i need more friends and indeed i know it's true but for some reason i find it hard to stretch out

and ended up feeling over her head. Maybe she wasn't as ready as she thought she was. Maybe she's afraid that the friendship will fail based on previous experiences. Who knows . . . in any case, it's her loss. Maybe she'll realize that she's giving up before she's even started. Hang in there, hun, there are bound to be more people in your new location that will see how cool you are. :hugs:

[KimberlyS]

We all need friends and someone to love and be loved by. It is what draws people to places, groups, and even the internet places like here. My nature we want to be around others.

Yes friendship and love can often hurt and sorry you are going through that now. But the good friendship and love far out weighs the hurt and loneliness.

:hugs::hugs:

KimberlyS-CD

[Kimberley]

Hang in there. You will meet people who can see you for who you are.

:hugs::hugs::hugs:

Kimberley

[Felix]

Hey Taylor my friend, Yeah I said friend and if we lived closer I would be honored to be your mate and meet up and have a few beers with ya every now and again maybe shoot some pool. Unfortunately we live many miles apart but hey ya still my mate Hun!!!! Her loss Big time but like Lex said she may have legitimate reasons who knows Hun. Just remember Hun we are all here for ya and we are all ya mates :hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs: xx Felix

[MoonBaby GG]

:( I understand and I'm a bit reclusive and shy myself. It's hard to meet people and gather true friends especially since our society today is fast-paced, workaholic and we all have little time to socialize. Don't give up and keep trying. It will happen.

[Frankie-Dear]

You know, MoonBaby hit it right on the button, I think. Always, I am the one to pick up the phone, send letters, and always the one reaching to keep friendships alive. If I don't do it, the contact ceases. So often, I'll have what I think is a good friend, and they suddenly become unavailable. E-mails go unanswered, when I call I get the answering machine and calls aren't returned... That sort of thing. It happens again and again, and I end up spiraling into a tailspin of doubt, wondering what's wrong with me, wondering why my friendship is so seemingly disposable, and why everyone is so willing to sacrifice everything worthwhile on the altar of, "Too busy!"

It hurts. It just hurts, and it SUCKS! So... You are, by no means, the Lone Ranger... :mad::(:Angry3::cry:

I don't know if that's reassuring to you or not, but you are not alone. :hugs:

[Kate Simmons]

It's tough sometimes Taylor, I know all so well. I lost most of my so called friends when I came out. It took me over 6 years to build up new ones. The ones I have are real friends though. Don't give up Hon and don't forget, we are all your friends here even if we can't be in person.:hugs:

[ZenFrost]

:Angry3: It sounds like she led you on under false pretenses. I'm sorry she did that. :hugs:

[Victoria Anne]

Taylor,she just is is not worth it,you are a better person than she. You hang in there and need I remind you.. you have friends here,I know it is a small world and seems smaller at times when someone dumps on you but you know you are better than that.:hugs::hugs:

Viccy

[TG-Taru]

for some people making friends and keeping them is harder than others.

Her response may not have anything to do with you, Taylor. If she's sincere, it sounds like she was trying to get out and make friends, and ended up feeling over her head.

Very possible in my mind.

I'm alot like that, I have a boring uneventful life, and hardly ever have anything interesting to tell. I'm no good at chit-chat or making new friends, never had many. But if I like someone, they'll have a friend for life. It's quite possible they won't hear from me more than once in a few years - if at all - but if they are able to make the effort that regrettably, I don't have the energy or confidence for, I still welcome them. Being depressed or similar also makes one not eager (or rather reluctant) to do anything really, so it requires prodding and effort to keep up the contact and get the other to do something social.

I wouldn't jump to the conclusion she found you unagreeable in some way. Might be the simple truth that pursuing you and getting the meeting done has wrung her dry and without energy to continue. Hard to speculate without seeing the rest, but personally I see no hint in that snippet to suggest otherwise. But then I'm known to be too trusting at times. :idontknow:

:hugs:

[Kelsie]

I'd be interested in meeting a fellow CD in my area. Perhaps we can set up a discussion forum for those of us interested in meeting fellow CDs? Otherwise, I'm not sure how to go about doing so.


Hugs,
Kelsie

[Charleen]

Definately sounds like her problem, not yours. She admitted it. Finding someone who can be a friend rather than an acquaitance is tough. So many rotten apples to sort through before the keeper! Hang in there, you'll meet someone. Love and XXXX, Lily

[Taylor105]

I don't have much to say in response to all the wonderful things you all have said to me other than I thank God everyday that I have you all. You are all the friends I need.

[Taylor105]

Thsis is what we often choose - to stay safe. To stay safe as opposed to take a chance. The chance might get us hurt. But Taylor, think of what you want - inside, you do want friends, good friends. How can you find them without extending yourself? With out exposing yourself to possible (but not guaranteed) pain?

Wouldn't be a little pain worth finding these great friends that you want?
Dude, you're a martial artist, I bet you can taske quite a bit of a pain (and I don't necessarily mean physical pain).
Is'nt overcoming pain what the trainings are about? You have goals to achieve in trainings - and you do what? You go through pain to grow you muscles, to get more flexible, to increase yor skill, to build your own "iron shirt" if you do full contqact MA.... Some pain now ensures you moving forward to your goals, and I'm sure you're not afraid to endure some of it.
You might be even looking forward to it, because you know it means your desired payoff is getting closer.

Same with the friendships - you know it could hurt - rejection... not clicking with the person... But do tell yourself - wouldn't it be worth it to go through it in order to find those true friends? They are out there, jsut gotta sift through a bunch of possible matches/mismatches to get to them.
If you don't go out, expose yourself to possible pains, in order to get to know people, give them a chance to show their good side... for that chance of finding the friends you know you would love to have....
...if you don't do that, then what? You sit at home. And by sitting at home you get the exact result you already have - NONE.

It's your choise. But I know that you can take some pain, hurt feelings and still have plenty of power left.

Plus the girl seems to be going throuhg a similar process.
She want's to, but she's afraid of... of something, not necessarily you.
Something that happened to her in the past might be making her cautious. Scared... afraid to hget hurt...

You might choose to give her a second chance. Give her a helping hand. You have plenty to give to other people.




Thanks for this advice. It was most helpful. Yes, I am a second degree black belt. I love pain. haha People ask me all the time why I want to get in a ring where people are going to try to hurt me. I just love the full contact fighting. It helps release pent up feelings and it's not illegal to hit people in the ring. lol I am actually going to be training for my third degree black belt as soon as I get a chance. That's my goal anyway. I agree that in order to make connections with people we need to put ourselves out there. It can be tough for me. My feelings are very tender even though I'm this physically tough dude. I surely can stand physical pain much more than mental. Rejection is really hard for me. Mainly because before I started living as "Taylor" I was NEVER rejected by anyone. People found me extremely likeable and if I dare say it "loveable". I am totally not used to people not wanting to be my friend. But I would rather be rejected as Taylor than accepted as S**** Anyway, you gave me a lot to think about. I appreciate the response.

[Emily Ann Brown]

Dude....

You said it all when you wrote "I'd rather be rejected as Taylor than accepted as...". To be who we are will cost something from time to time. We make the call to have a cup of pain here and there as payment for something very precious to us.

I hate to count the number of "friends" I have lost because of my divorce and the ex explaining why she left so SHE looks good and doesn't lose friends. However, I could have groveled and made promises I could not keep and kept up the sham and avoided the divorce for a while more. The cost in friends was cheap compared to the mental hell of not being me longer.

Hope I ain't the next person in the ring with you (giggle giggle).


Emily Ann

[Cai]

I'm with you on the full contact and the pent-up feelings. The contact allows you to let it out, without really hurting anybody. I did get one sparring partner who, when we stepped into the ring, goes "I can't hit a girl!" at which point I smiled, went "Fine, I'll go first," and kicked him in the stomach. Psychological revenge for every time someone told me I couldn't carry that or would need help doing that or wasn't strong enough to do that.

I definitely think it would help you to think of making friends in the same way you treat your training. For example, to get my first-degree black belt, I had to break a cinder block with a palm strike. I once watched a woman at my dojang break her hand attempting that. I knew it could hurt. When I practiced it, it hurt. And adding insult to injury, I failed to break the block. It seemed like pain with no reward. But I passed the test. Because I'd kept trying, and worked through the number of times I'd felt that pain.
One of my instructors said that he thought the bravest people were the ones who couldn't break the block when they tried. When he did it, he knew the block would break on the first try, and it wouldn't really hurt. But the ones who couldn't break it would try again and again, after it really hurt the first and second and third time.
I think this lesson can be applied to trying to make friends. You might get hurt by the first and second and third person you try to connect to, but if you keep trying, eventually you'll get through and make a great friend. If you give up, all you get is the pain, without the reward.