Need advise (no longer make wife happy)

[jenny01]

My wife of 19 years, told me the on Memorial day that I no longer make her happy. I don't make her feel wanted, & she thinks that I don't find her attractive.
Both of these are far from the truth. She has also stated that she would like more sex. I love this woman very much! Anyways we started going to a marriage counselor. I am hoping these visits will help. Next visits we go separately. I am wondering if I should open up to the shrink that I have strong desires to wear womens clothes. My wife only knows about me wearing thong panties 24/7.
Thanks for your help.
Jenny

[Billijo49504]

Hi, Just a thought, start having a date night with your wife. That might bring back some of the magic for her. It doesn't have to be real expensive, just some time for just you two. Even if you got kids, get a sitter for a couple hours and go out for a pizza or something. Maybe a movie. Just the 2 of you. Might help...BJ:2c:

[Holly]

Counseling is probably a good idea, but your wife has pretty much what she finds missing in your relationship. I didn't hear a word about crossdressing being an issue. You say that her feeling wanted by you and not feeling like you still find her attractive are not true. Honey, you need to show her that these things are not true. She feels like they are! Seduce her, already!

[Lisa Baby]

Hi Jenny
You have already taken the first step by talking about what she sees as a problem. Keep talking!

There is a song that was released a number of years ago titled "Step by Step." Listen to the lyrics and give them a try.

My :2c: is that you need to discuss your CDing wishes with your SO. I feel that most secrets only hurt a relationshjp.

The therapist can only give you good advice if he/she knows all of the facts.

Good luck! :thumbsup:

[DonnaT]

I'm not going to ask how often y'all have sex, but apparently she doesn't feel it's enough.

So, besides the occasional 'date night', you may need to be more aggressive in bed. Even if you don't feel like it. And try to make sure she gets off before you.

And be more attentive during the day. More hugs and kisses, and telling her you love her. Be more playful as well. Try to remember how it was during the first couple of years you were married.

Hold her hand when out. Open her car door her. Give her a flower unexpectedly. Pretend you're dating again.

Should you tell your shrink about your CDing needs? Only if you feel it is interfering with your sex life.

[jenny01]

Girls, Thanks for the help. I just need her to come around & give me the time of day, before I can move foward.

[elnkay]

I have an idea, why not ask for the time of day to see if she'll give it to you hon? It has happily worked for me for a loooong time
remember GG's have this thing that we still can not understand, emotions.
It is still our responsibility to draw out their feelings,no matter what they are.
The tactfulness of the game is the key. Good Luck.

[Kether]

Think like a woman, go in a sulk for days... only kidding. you need to give her what she needs. ROMANCE.

[Bethany Ann]

Triple...

Date nights with her
Drinking a bottle of wine in the tub
Talking with her at least 1/2 hour a day
Sex...sex and more fun kinky sex
Cooking and cleaning and housework
Telling her why you love and adore her
Being spontanious

and see what happens...give it a few months.

Bethany

[Tamera]

Hi Jenny,
Go ahead and open up to the shrink about your desires.

These could have an influence on your SEX DRIVE.

Also if you are going out dressed and you tell the wife you are going to work(or something else) even though it is completely innocent in your eyes, maybe she thinks your cheating in her eyes.

Lots of things to think about.
LOL
Tamera

[MeraLehanga]

Yes, you need to let him know. This will assist your MC to evaluate your situation better and will help him to formulate his questions better to your wife's understanding to calm the overall situation. Sometime the same words spoken by an outsider will have a better impact than you saying it.

I wish you all luck, hope it is just a passing cloud.

[kathy333]

i dont knowif this will help,but its my :2c: do you remember what you first thought when you saw your wife? the way you feelt when she talked to you? when she would talk and you could not take you'r eyes off of her? well it sounds like she wants that back. we get so cought up in what is going on with us that we dont see that we don't smile anymore.

the other thing you are going to have to consider is you two have been married for 19 years, that tells me that she is getting to that age in life ware minaplse is knocking on the door,so now everything is really changing for her.
i dont know you enough to tell what i see, but this is what i hear.

one more thing you'r telling you'r therapyst about crossdressing is a good thing. there is another thing to consider if you have been wanting to crossdress more and you haven't told you'r wife. i think you'r wrong. she has been with you for 19 years. don't you thin she can feel you have something that you'r not telling her? don't you think she has cought you looking at other womans clothes. she thins its the woman that you are looking at, when its the clothes you'r looking at.

their is a game i like to play called what you sead,what i heard. try it some time and see if you are really hearing what she is saying. now this could be a load of s#!@ because i really dont know ya'll, but i hope it helps you think.


nothing but :love::hugs:kathy

p.s have you told her about this place ware you go to visit? if not, i think you need to. and that is really my :2c:worth

[Jere Oneil]

Two suggestions, write her a love letter and tell her how much she really means to you. and secondly, when was the last time you brought her flowers, and I don't mean just for a special occasion.? Even a single rose can mean a lot to a woman. I also second the idea to keep talking. While there is communication, problems can be worked out. It is when communication stops that minor problems become fatal to a marriage.As for the sex thing, what's wrong with more often?

[Angie G]

You may hot be giving her the Attention you think you are and she my need more so take it up 2 or 3 notchs Jenny thay may help :hugs:
Angie

[Leah B]

My wife of 19 years, told me the on Memorial day that I no longer make her happy. I don't make her feel wanted, & she thinks that I don't find her attractive.
Both of these are far from the truth.


Here's what bothers me about this: you're assuming you know more about her feelings than she does. The only person who can tell you how she feels is her. I'm not saying that you don't do all the right things, or that she shouldn't feel wanted, but you have to take her word for it that she doesn't.

The same goes for her. If you find her attractive, she shouldn't be second-guessing you and saying you don't. I hope you and your wife can work things out it counseling.

[Marcie Sexton]

Like it or not, If you in deed wnat to salvage your lifes love, open up...

" the truth will set you free "

[Joy Carter]

the one thing is to be honest with your feelings. Don't offer any thing false or short term I think she would know. Another thing is women have changes in life that we don't understand. She just maybe in the stage of life now. That don't mean you shouldn't be trying to turn the attention up like others here have said. How about a weekend with just the two of you somewhere you both will enjoy doing things.

Good Luck :hugs:

[StephanieH]

:For what it's worth, counseling will help, but nothing is going to make her feel special until you DO something to show her how you feel. You can tell her all day long, that's easy, but DOING something, as often as it takes to make her realize you're serious, is another thing. People appreciate the effort and it makes them feel appreciated. Put some planning into this, you know her better than we do, what makes her feel special, happy, and wanted? Whatever that is, DO IT!

And for heaven's sake, put down the remote and move into the bedroom if that's what she wants! A lot of guys out there would give up a non-essential body part to have a wife say they want more whoopee sessions!

Good luck and God bless, but SHOW her how much you love her, don't just TELL her. :2c:

[Lovely Rita]

My wife of 19 years, told me the on Memorial day that I no longer make her happy. I don't make her feel wanted, & she thinks that I don't find her attractive.
Both of these are far from the truth. She has also stated that she would like more sex. I love this woman very much! Anyways we started going to a marriage counselor. I am hoping these visits will help. Next visits we go separately. I am wondering if I should open up to the shrink that I have strong desires to wear womens clothes. My wife only knows about me wearing thong panties 24/7.
Thanks for your help.
Jenny

I know that having opened up to my wife about everything was helpful for me but that is not a guarantee for everyone. The way she sounds right now I think calls for kind consideration of her on your part.
If the counselor is trustworthy and good maybe you should open up and it can be helpful.:love:

[KimberlyS]

Like someone else said. You need to date your wife and make her feel needed and loved. And that is your wife needs to feel loved the way she needs to be feel loved. Not how you like to do it.

A book that my wife and I both found very helpful is:

The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate by Gary Chapman

I am proud of the both of you for looking for professional help. A friend that helped us said: "The two of you got to this point with the knowledge and interpersonal skills you both have. If both of you had the knowledge to not get to this mess that your are in, why did you. You both need the help of someone else with the right skills to help."

Good Luck. It looks like both of you are past step one and two. You have a problem. You need help to fix it.

[kittypw GG]

. And that is your wife needs to feel loved the way she needs to be feel loved. Not how you like to do it.

.

You said a mouthful Kimberly! Many times men do things the way they like and get discouraged when the wife doesn't respond with the anticipated entheusiasm. For example my hubby made breakfast for me the other morning. Nice right? well he made the eggs like he likes, the sausage like he likes. The breakfast was completly lacking fruit, and oatmeal which are the things that I like. I had absolutly no appitite for his breakfast to tell you the truth. I wasn't really impressed either because it didn't take any effort to make "his" kind of breakfast. Now if he would have gone to the store and bought some good fruit and made me oatmeal with an english muffin on the side. :love: Now that would have impressed me because it was and effort to step outside of his comfort zone. Much like I step out of my comfort zone to give him the evening of his dreams. I go to great lengths sometimes with providing his crossdressing fantasy and it leaves a sour taste in my mouth when he can't go the extra mile for a simple breakfast.

I know that a long term relationships reache a plateau in the passion arena but that is when you need to step up your efforts to make eachother feel special and important to the others life. That include sex, feeling sexy and making your partner feel like they are the hottest person alive.

I'm glad you are trying counseling. Get a copy of the book Kimberly suggested. It opened my eyes a lot. :hugs: Kitty

[Rachel Morley]

She has also stated that she would like more sex. I love this woman very much! Assuming she meant sex with you, and I'm sure she did, this part of the problem seems like an easy fix to me. The rest of it might be a bit more difficult but talking to her and taking a step back and looking at your behavior in a "third party isolated way", and how it relates to what is saying about it might be a way forward.

[Echo Logical]

Here is what helped us.

I told her that I thought she was sexy, and in specifics, (how her eyes sparkled, how her smile makes my heart jump, and what a great ass she has etc.) I didn't seem to help much at first because she felt that I was saying it because I had to. But I kept at it, in different places and commenting on different things. I also made sure to tell her when we were in places where sex was not an option so that she would know that I wasn't just saying it expecting to immediately get into her pants. (I find it funny that on a couple of occasions she ended up dragging me home right then to get nekkid).

I still leave notes around the house, telling her I love her, or showing appreciation for specific things that she has done, or said, or to say that I think she has the most amazing soft kissable lips. I also randomly bring home flowers or a card, and not so random if I know that somewhere else in her life she is getting a hard time from someone.

I always try to listen for at least a half hour a day (at least), usually when I first get home. I ask about specific things that I know that she is interested in (like she is a moderator on a car racing forum, so I make sure to ask her about that). I also try to share, thoughts i had, ideas for remodeling the house, or cool things I found on the internet, or what the dogs did on our trip to the park, anything that happened during the day that I think she might find interesting, which helps to remind her that I very much want her to be a part of my life.

I think the one thing that has helped the most though, is my private time in my car or on the bus on the way home from work. Before I get home I remember, I remember when she and I first met, the times when we had really great sex, marrying her on the beach in Mazatlan, anything that reflects the deep love I have for her. I use that as a way to mellow out after a hectic day at work, and when I get home my love for her positively shines through my eyes, and in the way I touch her etc.

We still have our issues and our arguments, and we have been through hell together. We have on occasion been to marriage counselors when we needed a little help with communication. She is absolutely the most precious gift in my life and I want her to know that.

[jenny01]

Thanks Girls for the great advise. Sometime when I am thinking about the upcoming counseling session, I say to myself that I will tell the counselor about my CD. Then other time I dont want to. I want her to know, but I am scared that when my wife hears this she will run even faster.
Another question. If I did thell the MC about my CD'ing, in my solo session, is this something he just uses to develop a plan, or does he repeat what is told to others?

What would Karen do?

[gmss]

Hi jenny:

Just a few thoughts from an average Joe who's been married for six years.

First, I agree with the multitude of others who say to be more openly affectionate and noticeably more considerate. I think most women need that stuff. The more often you do that, then the greater the chance you will do it when she actually feels the need for it, so that will work in your favor.

Without trying to be pessimistic, I think that sometimes women make up their mind and nothing will change that.


One of my best friend's wife, after 22 years of marriage, and two boy (now at university) came up to my buddy a few years ago and said "that's it. I'm not happy anymore. I'm leaving." Just like that. Wham bam thank you maam. Not open for discussion, nor counciling; nothing. And it wasn't because of another man either. She just decided and that was that. She left the house a few months after that, and they separated and divorced. My buddy spend about six months ripping his hair out trying to figure out what was going on. He was totally blindsided.


So there are women who don't budge. I hope that your wife is not one of them. Hopefully she is ready to talk and appreciate your efforts in keeping the marriage together. That said, maybe the councilor can tell you better what kind of effort she is ready to put into reconciling.

As far as telling you wife or the councilor about your CD, I think it will neither help nor hurt. She may have guessed it already, if she knows you are 24/7 with thong. Sometime women guess these things and just don't say anything. :rolleyes:

[Sheri 4242]

Sometime when I am thinking about the upcoming counseling session, I say to myself that I will tell the counselor . . . (t)hen other time I dont want to. I want her to know, but I am scared that when my wife hears this she will run even faster. Another question. If I did thell the MC about my CD'ing, in my solo session, is this something he just uses to develop a plan, or does he repeat what is told to others?

(1.) What you tell the counselor in your private session is supposed to be confidential -- even from your wife. Having said that, you still might want to clarify this with the counselor. I say this b/c according to the way the MC is supposed to act (legally/ethically), he or she 'shouldn't" say anything about what either of you say in your respective solo sessions to the other -- BUT sometimes counselors will "presume" that there is an implied consent with married couples unless you have discussed this with them first. As far as the counselor telling anyone else (besides your wife), that is not something I'd worry about b/c it is covered under strict patient confidentiality laws.

(2.) You should tell the counselor the whole truth! Even if you tell the counselor you're not ready to share everything with your wife, the counselor cannot do their job with anything less than the whole truth. You'll be handicapping the counselor -- and therefore, you cannot expect them to be able to be effective with less than the whole picture. They aren't mind readers.

(3.) You have been given a lot of "romantic" advice, and it is all very good. You've also been given some excellent pragmatic advice -- KittypwGG's post was especially on point!!! I'd like to throw in a couple of things that come to mind that kind of head in different directions.

a.) You don't tell us much about several things, such as your family life, any health issues, etc. Okay -- maybe that sounds like really private stuff, BUT it could be important in what we tell you. So we don't know if you have children or not, or if you are empty-nesters. We don't have any idea if you have any health issues that might effect your sexual performance (and for which they make things like Viagra and Cialis). We don't know if your wife has anything going on that could be vital to know -- like could she be going through the change?

b.) I hate to sound cynical, but speaking from experience, is there any chance, even remotely, that there is something going on with any third party? Nobody likes to ever think this could happen to them, and there are usually signs that "start" leading you to such a conclusion. Your initial post made alarm bells ring with me b/c some of what you said -- and some of what you seemed to stop short of saying. I hope I am totally off-base with this, but if I'm not, you need to be proactive for your own best interest!! I remember all-too-well one GG who told her husband "out of the blue" that the romance had gone from their marriage -- and moreover that she had never had a chance to have any fun in life before getting married and starting a family. (Of course, anybody can justify anything. In that girl's case, I wondered what she called the three years she had spent at college with a gpa of under 0.05?!!! No joke!!! She had three years of nothing but play time -- but was looking to justify a middle-age crisis where she had several hot and heavy affairs!!! Just don't want you blind-sided -- you need to go into this with your eyes open!!!

[Glenda58]

Girls, Thanks for the help. I just need her to come around & give me the time of day, before I can move foward.

Don't wait for her. If you do it will be to late. If you still want her go for her. Treat her as someone you just met and want to know better. How would you go about do that?

[Delila]

From what I know I dont believe councelors can disclose anything you tell them even to your wife. It may be that telling the councelor will possibly relieve some of the tension you feel about your desires. As for your wife not feeling like you want her, just a suggestion but I tell my wife at least once a day that she is beautiful and more times than i can count that i love her. I have found that even though she hears this all of the time she never stops appreciating it. Just an idea. Good luck with everything.

[Sheri 4242]

Without trying to be pessimistic, I think that sometimes women make up their mind and nothing will change that.

One of my best friend's wife, after 22 years of marriage, and two boy (now at university) came up to my buddy a few years ago and said "that's it. I'm not happy anymore. I'm leaving." Just like that. Wham bam thank you maam. Not open for discussion, nor counciling; nothing. And it wasn't because of another man either. She just decided and that was that. She left the house a few months after that, and they separated and divorced. My buddy spend about six months ripping his hair out trying to figure out what was going on. He was totally blindsided.

So there are women who don't budge.

Unfortunately, many (most???) of those who won't budge, ARE involved in an affair -- NO, scratch that -- they are involved in adultery; "affair" sounds too nice -- but they aren't going to admit a thing!!! (Unless confronted with direct evidence -- and even then only as much as they think they have to admit!!!) I'll have to look for them, but there are a couple of books I have on this that put forth some exacting statistics and comparitable realities. One is by James Dobson and is a fascinating read -- not what you'd think based on most of his works!!!

[jenny01]

All of you bring up valid points 7 offer great advise. To answer some of SSheri's questions about my life:
We have two kids. A daughter that is 18, & a son that is 15. She came along before we were married. WE were married at young ages. She was 19 & I was 22. The odds were stacked against us & up until this point we seemed to beet the odds.The girl is self sufficiant while on the other hand our son is high maintenance. He is a diabetic, & does not do a god job of managing his blood sugar. So we are always after him to do this. He is a rebelious child. This brings stress into the household.

I bring home stress from my work due to not liking my job. I am very close to a job change. My change is supported by the Mrs. We just found out that within the last 10 days that she might loose her job due to budget cuts. There is a large amount of uncertainity here, & adds allot more stress to a terrible situtation.

As far as a third party being involved with her, I believe that this is NOT an issue. We have discussed this & being the kind of person she is, she would break off the marriage before she would run around on me. She does have morals, I think! I hope!

Her & the kids are away on vacation this week. I could not go along being that I didn't have the proper amount of leave time with work. She is back home by her family. I have a good feeling that her mom will help with us being able to work out our problems with the marriage. Her & I have a good relationship, & have talked several times since this has taken place.


I will take the advise of you all & tell the MC about my CD'ing. Maybe this will help me feel better inside. Maybe I should wear a bra to my session, then he will know that I am sincere about my desire.

On a different note,I have my toes painted pink now. I love the way that they look. I have 6 days to decide if I will leave them & let the wife see them. I am not sure what effect this will have though. I will have to feel her out this week & judge by her mood. This kind of seems like a simple way to show her some of my desires without actually telling her.

Thanks for all of your help girls,

[julie w]

Your desire to crossdress does affect your marriage its always in our mind
how and when can we get dressed next ,I know I went through it
My ex of 20years said the same to me , she thought there would be other men to sweep her off her feet and I thought I could dress as much as I want ,we both were wrong
I couldnt save my marriage because I didnt love her , If you love your wife
try to save you marriage after 19years with the same person it could be difficult to find a new partner and life could be lonely for both of you

[Jenna Lynne]

Yes, you need to let him know. This will assist your MC to evaluate your situation better and will help him to formulate his questions better to your wife's understanding to calm the overall situation.
I wish I could just nod and say, "Yeah, that's right." But the truth is, not all counselors are well educated about CDing. There's a lot of misinformation out there, and a lot of prejudice. Just because your counselor has a degree or two doesn't mean he or she is not a closet hatemonger.

If the counselor makes comments that suggest, when you read between the lines, that he/she thinks there's something wrong with you, or that you need to change, watch out! My opinion -- for whatever it's worth, I have to say I'm NOT a mental health professional, only an intelligent observer who has wasted tens of thousands of dollars over the years in useless therapy -- is that a good therapist will start and finish with the clear idea that ***you're fine just the way you are.*** That your feelings need to be honored in the relationship.

My bet is that if you feel your feelings are honored, your sex with your wife will improve overnight (so to speak).:battingeyelashes:

Hugz, ***Jenna***