How do we feel ?????

[Sheila]

I feel wives or SOs have no clue how torn up we can get inside when we face or think about our situation

WE may not, so tell us how you feel please, it can only help our understanding of the inner turmoil you go through amd it may even ease some of our torn up insides if we can understand were you are coming from

:hugs:Jess

[Frankie-Dear]

*feeling myself...* Mmmmm... We feel MAH-VELOUS!!! :heehee:

Seriously, I haven't really had any turmoil. My wife was in Japan, visiting family for a week, and on a whim, I went out and bought a pair of panties... Then a bra... Then some make-up... Then a curling iron... Then a few other articles of clothing... By the time she got home, I was already well into it, and having a great time! :tongueout:D:devil:

[Sheila]

Karen and Frankie i thankyou for your replies and I am truely glad that you are both content and at peace with your inner beings, but I was asking for the views of those that are torn up inside , and the reasons why .............. it wasn't a touchy feely question, but a genuine attempt at helping others understand what you are feeling ............ obviously it has been seen as a trival question not worthy of serious reply .. Does that mean ,that there is NO INNER TURMOIL IN CDING ????????? if so then I am truely glad

[Frankie-Dear]

I'm sorry, Jess. I didn't mean to treat your question in a frivolous manner. :hugs: I've had so much inner turmoil -- truly, nightmare fodder -- that by comparison, crossdressing barely registers as a blip on the inner radar.

[Sheila]

I'm sorry, Jess. I didn't mean to treat your question in a frivolous manner. :hugs: I've had so much inner turmoil -- truly, nightmare fodder -- that by comparison, crossdressing barely registers as a blip on the inner radar.

but why and how Frankie ???????? if we as SO's can learn what is going on in the minds of CDR's then maybe we can ease things .. not maybe in any tangeable way, but just by the knowing what causes your inner turmoil.

Everybody help us (SO's)to try to understand what it is that causes the inner turmoil and conflict please

[Marla S]

Jess, this is probably one of the toughest questions to answer.

Thank you for asking !!!!!!!!!

To write down this roller coaster of emmotions involved is trying to cut the Gordian knot.

How to explain and justify the own exsistance and make it understandable for myself and others ?

I don't know how to. This is a big part of being torn up inside. ... justification of the own excistance for myself and others.

I wished I wouldn't have to, but just could be.

A second aspect is that it feels right, is constructive, is vitalizing, accepting myself is a wonderful feeling, it looks right for the inner eye, and a lot of other positive things as long as it concerns the own emmotions and self-perception.
Taking the outside world into account and the perception of others turns most of it upside down.
We were teached that it is wrong, we experience that it quite often is destructive for the relationship, family and job, we experience (fear) not to be accepted as a person, but get boxed or worse, we might look a bit odd for others (sometimes for ourself, with the respective consequences for the self-asurdness) etc.

These field of antipodes is a constant struggle, sometimes more sometimes less and I have no hope it will end before my end.

This is not comprehensive and maybe only the tip of the iceberg.
I have to think about it and will come back to it later, if I get a more clear view.

Sometimes it feels like being hungry, but you only have a poisoned meal to eat.
What to do ? Die of hunger or feel a short time of satiety before the poison takes effect ?

[Mitch23]

Yes torn up in the sense that I have to do this, there's no way on God's earth that I can put the genie back in the bottle and I'm on a road where I can't see the end. I am risking everything I hold dear in my marriage, my family, my friends,

Torn up in the sense that I want love and acceptance from my beautiful wife but know I might never get it

Mitch

[Karren H]

Sorry..... Didn't see the Inner Termoil Only sign.....

Karren

[Sheila]

Sorry..... Didn't see the Inner Termoil Only sign.....Karren

there was no Inner Termoil Only sign.... Karren I just assumed it was apparent my bad . sorry:hugs:

[bobi jean]

WE may not, so tell us how you feel please, it can only help our understanding of the inner turmoil you go through amd it may even ease some of our torn up insides if we can understand were you are coming from

:hugs:Jess

Jess
This is going to be one of the longest running THREADS in the history of computers.
An outstanding question and a very thoughtful one also, and again, thank you for asking it.
I will have to compose my answer, feelings and thoughts in another manner, then get back with you

Bobi

[loki_uk]

There's always turmoil but the nature of it has changed over the years

As a young child I just felt like I didnt fit in this world and was born at the wrong time. I've never felt the desire to be a woman, but then I've never felt like a man either

I suppose the turmoil comes from knowing I'll never be a woman, yet have to act at being a man, the stress of trying to fit in, being overly emotional yet having to surpress it so much when I want to cry, the feelings of shame and guilt that you live with despite knowing rationally that shouldn't feel them and worst of all the loneliness of having to keep your deepest thoughts from your partner

[Emily Ann Brown]

You ask in all seriousness you shall receive......buckle up!


Knowing that the people I have worked most of my life to serve and build up now want little more to do with me than gossip (I was on staff at a local church). I haven't changed, just finally understand all my feelings of inadequacy as a man. What's wrong with me? What an ironic turn of fortune. God must truly have a sense of humor. The group that accepts me most as I am is the one I am supposed to be changing (or do I have that wrong too?). I am such a hypocrite. I hate myself.

Why does the woman I sweat blood for and supported through all her tantrums and screwups suddenly want nothing to do with me? I have been the perfect provider and have taken her around the world. I have been faithful, and a good father giving our children literally tons of my time. I have let her stay home and "find herself". Am I not worthy of one, just one, free forgiveness just because? Are all those "feminine" qualities she enjoyed so much no longer enjoyable just because of the wrapping? Every time I see her in pain because of me I feel like a total failure. When will the next confrontation come? I hate myself sometimes(repeating myself huh?). All these years together are slipping away and I am such a failure. I can't seem to fix one little thing anymore.

Where the hell is all this gonna end? I am already going against the societial definitions of "man" and "normal" I scare myself at times. I am paranoid that others know my "dirty little secret" and the bomb is about to go off without warning and my world goes POOF! I am so much more comfortable as a woman than a man, what is wrong with me? And I doubt a lot of what I thought was me now, have I been playing F2M for so long that all my "guy" thoughts are really learned and not natural? Who the heck is the real me? And why all the times I have purged did I not stay purged? I am totally out of control. I hate myself !!!

So now you know 13 of my last 18 months. Most of these questions I have at least partial answers for now. Answers that came with sleepless nights, and painful searching, and slow understanding.....and a whole lot of just self acceptance. Hope this was what you wanted to hear.


Emily Ann

[Frankie-Dear]

Emily Ann, I accept you, and I wish you love, peace, compassion, and joy. :hugs::hugs::hugs:

[Wendy me]

oh god i could do a thread on this .... lol i did .... OK what i am looking for is total acceptance of my fem side from my wife .... but that doesn't look like it's going to happen ..... OK next best thing we together find a common ground were we could both be OK .... that looks so far away if at all ever possible ...

i respect her (my wife's )feelings ... OK she did not know before we were married ... i feel that this is no big deal just a little clothing (OK a lot of it) and no one getting hurt whats the big thing .... she likes her hair short i like it long ... she wears it Short .... my hair is long she wants it short .... and she always says smithing abought getting my hair cut ... it hurts / upsets me that something like that she can't just let be... i know that sounds silly...
OK here is this part of me that so completes me that balances me it makes me happy and i want to share that so much with her (my wife) and she just completely dose not want to know she dose not care abought it at all .... i am retired so most of the time i can be me ,..... but when my wife is home i got to hide half of me away .... not saying i got to be dressed and in your face 24/7 .... but at the same time not have to be hidden .... it's like she only knows half of me ... ... i take her shopping and only buy things for her .. if i say thats cute she says not my size i say i know it's my size she says thats womens ..... and we walk on bye.....

hope that gives you some what of a out look ....

[Julie York]

I will try to answer you question in the spirit that it was asked. I don't know the thread quote you are referring to so sorry if I take the CD line rather than the TS line.

The inner turmoil, when there is some, is caused by a conflict of self image. It is a horrible gnawing self doubt. On the one hand there is the feeling of self worth you get from being good at something, being a provider, supportive or protective, or other pre-programmed notions of what it is to be a man and good at it. Those values in themselves are a burden because most men do not have a huge income, are not geniuses in bed, can not fell any man or thing who threatens them or save their family from disaster.....though they really want to live up to all those qualities. The nearer they feel they have got to those qualities the more self worth they feel...as men. They are strong, they are 'someone'.

So to find that you have a personality 'flaw' that is a contradiction to those qualities is very alarming and becomes something to be ashamed of.

The mosty common form of expression for this 'flaw' is during puberty, so not only do you have the whole puberty thing, but you have a secret way of doing a secret thing that makes you feel ashamed, scared, and sick with fear that someone might find out.

It may then go on to become less sexualised, but the conflict, when there is one, is that the person you think you are; the one you project to people every day, in the way you dress, speak, move, communicate...is followed by a shadow....a shadow that keeps tapping you on the shoulder even though you don't want it there.

This shadow is an interest that you can't explain even to yourself. It's a way of expressing yourself that can't be expressed. It's a way of presenting your personality publicly that is forbidden to you. So you feel dirty and insincere for not being honest with people you love and showing them all of you. You feel dirty and insincere for not being honest with yourself.

Hope that helps.

[Valerie Nicole]

Let's see here...I'm going to be perfectly honest and bare myself here in a way I never have on any of the public forums on this site. The following are questions and statements that I may find myself asking or making internally on any given day.

On the negative side:
How did I get this way?
What's wrong with me?
Why can't I be normal?
I don't want to be what I am anymore.
Can I really trust everyone I've told?
What if word gets out?
I hate myself.
This makes me sick.
Will anyone ever be able to love all of me?
I'm not feminine enough.
I'm not masculine enough.
I'm too feminine.
I'm too masculine.
I feel like I can't do anything about this.
What if I lose who I really am in all this?
This makes finding a girlfriend a whole lot more complicated.

On the positive side:
This is a wonderful gift.
I see things from a whole other perspective.
What can I do to make this experience better?
What can I do to gain understanding for myself and others like me?
I don't want to lose this.
It's only a matter of time before I'm open about this.
I wish I could accept and understand myself better.
I'm glad to have told everyone I've told.
I wish I could tell more people.
What does this mean for me and where will it take me?
I love to dress.
Dressing makes me complete.

There...that's no particular order right there...but I think it demonstrates the constant inner conflict I feel. Some days one side is winning, the next day the sides have switched places. There is always some conflict, but on the best days, I can get past to the conflict and get in touch with statements like "I love to dress" and "Dressing makes me complete." There are days where those seem so out of reach that I just find myself filled with self-loathing and disgust.

I hope this helps, Jess. And I'm really glad you asked this question. It gave me a chance to unload a lot of feelings, and hopefully, the answers you get here (mine included) will help you and a lot of the other SOs here on the site come to a better understanding of who we are and what these feelings can do to us.

[Daintre]

I have read over the responces so far and I am sitting here saying ...Me to, that's how I feel. For me Julie has hit it closest for me, I have tried my damndest to be the man, provider , father, lover, and true love to a those who are most precious to me. I seem to have done a terrible job in most of the areas listed......how does that make me feel? bloody awful, a failure and this Jess, tears me up.

My son has over time told me that he loves me, truly loves me....whoa, a sucess...bonus for me for sure. I am slowly reconecting with my family, hard work but the rewards are going to be great. Where am I going here? I am not asking for 100% acceptance (that would be wonderful), just please be open and allow me to be a more complete person, who knows....you may really like the whole me, not just the portion I am allowed to show.

[tall sam]

Well, this is one of those feelings that comes and goes - its anger and fustration to shear bliss. My SO is kind-of supporting and on the odd occasion we spend a weekend in a hotel and I can be Samantha. More recently it seems that the whole think is annoying her. I try my best to support her through all her turmoil and moods and all I want in return is a bit of time as Samantha. I am very tall and hence dont pass so just going out en-femme is not really an option as all I get are strange looks and I feel even more of an outcast. I dont need to be femme 24/7 or even one night a week but now and then I get this huge (almost sentual) urge to be Samantha. I get some satisfaction from a moderate dressup but the ultimate satisfaction is doing the full shave, the tuck and tape and try my utmost to be totally (physically, mentally, sentually) femanine.
This negativity from her is quite recent and I have tried to talk to her about it but its always "too late" or she needs to do something else -- I am getting fustrated to the point of resentment, but maby its just a bump along the road!

[sarah378619]

I feel girly/ but society makes us feel guilty because we feel something that is reserved to one gender. I accept that I am more female than male/ but I also accept that (for me) my male self is important too. I would like to express my female side in the open and with out guilt, but that day may never come.
sarah

[chucks]

guilt cannot exist apart from judgment. if you give up judging others (some may wish to judge you) you can be free of guilt.

[Kelsy]

How does it feel - Well elation, excitement, Joy, Fear, pain, sadness, Confusion, comfort, self loathing, self love, every emotion in the book.
example-- you meet some one new. fantastic girl, things are going great except for one thing! I am transgendered - a CD - and the truth is there but hidden So take the chance spill it out and risk it all??? Say nothing repress it?? It is a lonely road period


Jennifer:(

[nancy58]

*** warning, long post ****

At first, there was shame. Besides the shame of dressing up in women's clothing, putting on lipstick, etc., there was the shame of borrowing my wife's things without her permission, but mainly of keeping this thing a secret from her. When I told her, I knew I risked losing her, but the urge to crossdress had grown so strong and so painful that I had to tell her, because it felt like it was killing me. I was and am grateful that she accepted me and forgave me for the lies I told her to cover it up.

My wife doesn't like my crossdressing, but she accepts that I need to do it. I try not to be seen by her in large part to avoid causing her discomfort, but also to avoid some embarrassment myself, for I am still a little ashamed for her to see me as "less than a man". I have work to do on this, to accept myself, and to figure out where crossdressing fits in my life.

There are ebbs and flows of desire. I can go days, weeks, even months without the urge to dress up. Sometimes the desire to crossdress is just another face of sexual desire, and when I have enjoyed physical release, the desire is gone, the way a man rolls over after he has spent himself in sexual relations. Sometimes it is overpowering, and I want to do it so badly that it is hard to think about work or anything but dressing as a woman. When the desire is this strong, I am thankful to God that I am drawn to crossdressing and not to children or other things that could ruin lives and result in incarceration. Sometimes the desire is not to dress as a woman but to become one.

All of the above is negative, but when I am dressed there is a sense of euphoria that is as intense as the feeling I felt the first time I was physically intimate with a girl in high school. It can last for hours at a time. I can become engrossed in something and forget that I am dressed as a woman, but when I remember, I experience the euphoria again.

Several times this past winter, I went to my weekly therapy session dressed as much as I could get away with, since I have to go there from work. A couple of times I drove around at night to run errands. In both of these, I didn't wear makeup, just clothing, well hidden under a thick winter coat while I was outside. When I let the therapist see me, this was also exciting. I had cleared it with her ahead of time and knew she would not be shocked or express revulsion. I felt as though a part of me that I had been hiding was finally seeing light. I was as intensely happy as I have been in years -- and my life is not an unhappy life.

Taking my women's clothing off and putting it away always saddens me. The euphoria is being put away, and every step reminds me that I can never be a woman.

The sexual desire I feel as a crossdresser is almost entirely directed at women. There are a few close male friends that I could see myself being intimate with, but I am stimulated by women. If I were to transition, I think I would still prefer women, and I would be a lesbian. I fantasize about this sometimes, and I think it makes my lovemaking with my wife more enjoyable for her than it was before crossdressing became a more significant part of my life. I don't tell her what I am fantasizing, and we both enjoy the experience.

A gift that I have received from crossdressing is a better understanding of where women are coming from. Dressed as a man, I spend little energy worrying about how I look. But when I dress up, I want to get the colors and styles right. No matter what I do with the makeup and my wig, it doesn't look good enough in the mirror. I understand why women feel as if they are under too much pressure to look just right. Having let this genie out of a bottle, I have developed an appreciation for women's clothing, and I notice what my wife wears and compliment her on it more often. I concede that it is harder to be a woman than a man in all these things.

These are most of the things I feel. It may sound worse than it is. Life became so much better when I told my wife.

[Sheri 4242]

WE may not, so tell us how you feel please, it can only help our understanding of the inner turmoil you go through amd it may even ease some of our torn up insides if we can understand were you are coming from.

Jess,

Gosh!!! This may be my most significant post ever!!!!!!!

First, I owe you an appology. I saw your initial post that started this thread right after you put it up, and I ignored it. Why? Well, I have always liked what you have had to say on here, and in line with that, "I thought" you were making a pointed, if not humorously sarcastic, reverse question. I mean, I truly thought you were taking the quote from a CDer to illustrate a point -- that the CDer was complaining that we CDers aren't understood, in re that our SO's just don't "get it" regarding any inner turmoil we may have.

I "thought" you were saying, "like we GG SO's don't have turmoil over our husbands crossdressing?!!!"

Anyway, now that I have come back to your thread I see that it wasn't as I took it, and for that I appologize in doing what we should not do -- b/c I "ass--u--me--d." My bad and I am sorry!

You've already received some serious replies that mirror what I have felt or now feel.

As a little boy, I felt like there was something seriously wrong with me -- but I instinctively knew it wan't something to talk about -- not unless I was prepared to be locked in a rubber room. IOW: I thought -- truly and fully thought -- I was the "only one" who felt like I did . . . a boy so powerfully attracted to girl's clothing -- wanting to own them and wear them openly. Talk about turmoil!!! To be such a young person with those sort of lonely feelings -- and that led to another turmoil: logically it had to follow that I must be mentally ill!!! There was self-loathing and guilt, and shame. "They" said I was extremely intelligent -- but how could that be if I was mentally perverse?!!!

I woked so'ooo hard at being an all-round, rough-and-tumble male -- yet the CD feelings were with me from my earliest of memory!!! What, I would think, was wrong with me -- and why was I the only person so inflicted?!!!?!!!?

In college I read about a TS who was one of the first to go through SRS -- and that explained a little -- but it wasn't me. From that I did get my first inkling, though, that maybe I wasn't the only one -- but how many more were there -- 2 or 3, or 300, or 1,000. Even with figures I'd come up with, I knew I was in a distinct minority -- and the turmoil increased b/c such a small group must be a small group of sick-o's!!! So, I worked very hard at being a BMOC, a top frat, active in all campus activities, athletics, etc, etc. The turmoil was incredible -- I could pray and pray, but God wasn't taking this away from me!!!! How cruel -- and what guilt -- and what turmoil!!!!!!! I did find a few GG's who were accepting -- a few thought it was great -- you see, any GG I'd date for very long, I'd work in the "general subject" sideways to see how they'd respond. If it was any bit positive, they were someone I'd continue to date.

I didn't tell my first wife -- I was under the impression I could control it -- then when I saw I couldn't, my "sideways" evaluations showed me she'd NEVER accept this. More turmoil!!! And, like Emily Ann said, I put forth blood for my first wife, and I fully supported her through all her tantrums, drinking binges, and screwups. (That was descriptive of her and her mother!!!) I was a good provider and moreover, I was a GREAT father!!! I was the nurturing one. Yet, I was full of turmoil b/c I couldn't really be me (except on business trips, after which I'd always purge completely). I also did 95% of the cooking and cleaning. Yet, all of a sudden she started having adulterous relationships -- and I was conflicted and full of turmoil again: was my CDing the cause of her adultery even though she didn't know about the CDing?!!!?

Well, at least my turmoil started easing off. I began studying everything I could about who and what I am. There was still turmoil b/c I saw a societal injustice!!! I mean, women were wearing pant suits (they didn't do that when I was a boy) -- GG's could wear male clothing and it was no big deal!!! BUT, with me, there was some anger and turmoil that unless I was the Prince of Wales in a kilt, I wasn't going to be accepted in any type of skirt.

Well, I'll cut to the chase: my turmoil over being a CDer is gone!!! Today I am very happy about who and what I am!!! After divorcing the sl#t, I made absolutely certain my second wife knew as soon as our elationship began to look like it was headed to the alter!!! I still have some anger over what I consider unfairness. Annette Benning's character is supposedly sexy, chic, and en vogue in a man's dress shirt in The American President, but what if Michael Douglas's character had come out in a nightie??? VS sells underwear that they call -- and it looks strikingly like what it is called -- boy shorts. But, put some some lace on a man's underwear made of light silk or satin?!!! Well, this is turning into my frustrations and sense of unfairness and inequity. The turmoil is finally gone (and has been for the last 14-plus years b/c I married an incredibly accepting wife. That helped me overcome so much -- to be accepted for who and what I am!!!

As you may recall me saying on here, my wife even indulged a tremendous fantasy of mine -- to wear a wedding dress in a ceremony renewing our vows. I only bring this up to illustrate what a woman I married!!!!!!! It was her suggestion we do this ceremony on a trip to Las Vegas -- but she warned me to expect that she just might have to have a chuckle or two. BUT, when we held the ceremony, she began to shed some tears -- tears she described as being joyous b/c she was swept with a wave of how beautiful what we were doing really was!!! Not only was she giving me a GRAND gift, she suddenly realized there was nothing comedic about it -- that "my second self" was making solemn vows to her, and she to me!!! It turned out to be an amazingly sweet, special, and sentimental committment between the two of us!!!!!!!

I hope I have answered your inquiry -- I thank you for asking -- I hope it helps others, especially GG's who are struggling with a husband's CDing AND CDers who are still conflicted and torn up!!!!!!! And, I appologize again for not sensing the seriousness of your thread!!!!!!!

:love:
Sheri

[JenniferR771]

This is hard. My wife wants me to be normal. She wants me to throw out my girly clothes. She is afraid someone will find out. She hates it when I go shopping. She hated it when i told my hairdresser. Has never seen me dressed. But I keep pushing her, although she refuses to talk about CD.
She was delighted when I got kicked out of Tri Ess.
(too short skirt). Wife does not like to go shopping with me and gets angry if I stare at the shoes or bras, or even if I try to help her pick out a skirt.
Trying to be patient. But I have 20 pair of heels.

[sarah378619]

Most of my inner turmoil comes from societies labeling and bigetry. They do not except a side of me that they are afraid of. Because it changes conceptions on who they are. I know i am fine, but may never be accepted completly.
Sarah

[JessicaDC]

I do feel turmoil. Part of it is that sometimes I want to be a girl with a boyfriend and everything. But then I love being a man and be masculine and love being with girls. Talk about being torn apart inside...

[Ekatcha]

Not sure I can really add anything to this thread that hasn't already been said... but given that, I guess I can offer my own perspective on the matter. I think one's answer is really dependent upon where one is at in life. By that I mean, where you see yourself in the spectrum and what all have you.

I, myself, am no longer married (though dressing played no part in the breakup). When my ex and I got together, I purged everything trying to be the man I thought she wanted, and I thought that she would fill that space for me. In retrospect, neither expectation was correct. I told her early on and she was cool with it, but that was all that became of crossdressing in our relationship. A year down the line, it was slowly creeping back as it was a part of me I could not, try as I might, get rid of. In terms of turmoil for our relationship, it was and is difficult for me to acknowledge that she wasn't enough to make me change. I wanted to... I just couldn't throw myself away. I wanted to be the provider, the rock, strength, etc in the relationship and I was that... but the conflict for me was, I was more too. I wouldn't compare it to an addiction, because I think in part that's to simplistic. I have an addictive personality and have been (and am, albeit legal these days) to various substances over the years, but crossdressing is just different than that. It's not a high for me, so much as it's coming home. It's hard to reconcile that given societal notions on the subject... where everything says there is something wrong with you for this and yet you're just being you. *shrug*

These days, my own internal conflict is deeper as I'm trying to understand myself. I haven't been in a relationship since my ex and, to be honest, I don't think it fair to another person to enter into one under false pretenses. I can't be someone's man when I don't really know who I am anymore. It's not that I don't want that (a relationship), but more to the point I just want to be me in said relationship... but when I'm not really sure who that is... then it just doesn't seem right to enter into one. I know what society at large expects of me, I know what my relatives and friends expect of me, but I don't feel I can live up to those expectations right now. There is a hell of a lot of conflict in trying to resolve that... in trying to understand who I am and what it is I want out of all of this, out of life in general.

Some of us have reached that self-acceptance plateau, figured out what they need to for themselves and have taken and run with that. Other's haven't yet and are working at that. It's a swirling mess of internal thoughts and emotions coming to grips with it all, figuring out where one fits, and running with that. And even after, depending on what one accepts of themselves, there is still the world at large to deal with. Anyway, that's my own perspective on the matter after thinking about it for a day.

~ Eka

[Chantelle CD]

Thank you so so much for asking such a caring and thoughtful; question <hugs>

I start this reply, not knowing what i am going to say, but say it as it comes, for i have had a lot of this turmoil!

I have always for as long as i can remember, felt this feminine woman inside of me, I blame it for my father not liking me as a child.

For me, what is most important, or a big part of life for me, is to connect to everything, and everyone in a spiritual way, meaning see them as the light they are, with total respect for there being, and not how they are acting out in this world. Doing this opens you up to them, and miracles happen, connections are made, and i have so many times, and once today at work again, have had someone comment on as a joke, i guess, about me dressing as a woman, or made some comment on me being feminine. I feel i have to hide this part of me, and close myself off to others, affecting my ability to connect to others and feel a sense of connection to all that is. This kills me!!! I dont hate myself, or judge myself, but i have to hide this, for judgment still affects me, and my emotions.

I can not stop this, i know i look silly, but i dont feel silly, i love feeling this part of me so so much, i wish i could share it with others sometimes, or the very least not have to hide it, or this part of me. This is what causes in me most of my turmoil. Not to mention the fear or how my heart jumps to my throte when i hear a noise outside my appartment door :(

Feeling like a part of both genders is not a easy thing to deal with, Firstly i am a man, have all of his heterosexual desires, and secondly, i am a female, feel her emotions and femininity, and yes even her sexual desires, and this is where another part of the turmoil comes in to play. As a male i am not in the least attracted to men at all, but this woman inside of me, feels so real, and am starting to believe she is, her desires come to me at times i am feeling most beautiful, <sigh> my man tries to stop this, and when i let it get carried away, i hate myself afterwords so much, it makes me sic. I have to keep a lid on her!!! firstly i am a man, and i love my maleness, i love being me, this is how i was born, and i love it, but there is a another side of me, so pretty and beautiful and soft!!! And she has to come out!!! It can be a constant fight, and for the most part, because of my understanding SO, and all of you friends here, i have some peace, acceptance, validity for all of me, Damn it!!! this is making my eyes tear up :( i just want to be accepted for all of me, i dont want to hide any more !!!! WHY WHY did god make me so i know of so much of myself!!! why couldn't i just have forgotten this part!!! There are reasons for it, i am sure, but my mind doesnt know them yet!! Maybe this life i am just learning a very very deep level of self respect, disregarding how others see me, and still learning to open up to them completely, i will die trying and keep on trying to be fully open to all that is!!! I see myself in all my ways, as a beautiful being so full of energy, just as much so as i do everyone and everything in this world i can see!! except when i let her beauty get so strong, it effects desires within!! maybe i just need to accept this as well, having a hard time with this, for my maleness loves only woman in this way. I dont wish to change sexes, i am both, but physical a man, god made me one, and that is what i will stay, there are other life times ahead of me, but i have to pass this lifetime, and not fail myself, my purpose.

How can someone help me???? or help us to???? Unconditional acceptance is the only thing i can think of, my wife does for the most part, she doesnt know of her desires at times, i feel guilt for this!!! i HATE it!! i want to share this with her at rare times as well, but i dont think she is ready or even can. Small steps :)

Hope this helps to answer your question my dear :)

[Bev06 GG]

Wow Jes,
Very brave question but to be honest I dont think you could every come up with a definitive answer. There are so many reasons why CDs get torn up inside. Guilt seems to be a biggy and until society accepts CDing that will always remain. However, I bet you if you were to get 1000 CDs in a room and ask them that question they could all give you a totally different answer, and maybe some wouldn't know. The psychy of a human being is a very complex thing, and by adding to it a dress, pair of shoes and matching handbag your only complicating the issue further.
Bev

[Sheila]

Wow Jes,
Very brave question but to be honest I dont think you could every come up with a definitive answer. There are so many reasons why CDs get torn up inside. Guilt seems to be a biggy and until society accepts CDing that will always remain. However, I bet you if you were to get 1000 CDs in a room and ask them that question they could all give you a totally different answer, and maybe some wouldn't know. The psychy of a human being is a very complex thing, and by adding to it a dress, pair of shoes and matching handbag your only complicating the issue further.
Bev

Bev,

I know how complicated this can be from the SO side, so I thought that maybe if the cdr'd themselves could let us have some idea of how it is from their perspective, it may help a lot of us SO's realise that they are also scared, unsure, and that they don't have all the answers that we need ... or that they are sometimes unable to let us know just how it is for them, because they too are churned up inside with the feelings that so many of them have so wonderfully described ..... it has certainly opened my eyes a little wider .....and perhaps it will also allow some of the CDR's themselves to realise that they are not alone.

So often us SO's have difficulty coming to grips in the early stages of our discovery, and talking can get so incredible complicated ,when we are dealing with two people who are feeling wary and unsure, and in many cases frightened that I thought if they were able to let us know then maybe just maybe a new SO coming here may be able to begin to understand a little easier what their partner has been going through for years.

Thank you to all of you that have replied ,I have been reading and have PM'D some of you back I will try to PM all of you to thank you individually for baring your souls to us all (Just family life is pretty hectic at the moment and time on the comp is limited) , it cannot have been easy I salute each and every one of you:hugs:

Jess

[Mary Morgan]

Jess, For me it comes down to this. I have spent a good part of my life trying to meet expectations of family, friends, society. All well and good except that there is a part of me and many others, for whom this effort does not come easy. There is something within us that changes our definition of who we are. What is it? Where does it come from? I don't know. I do know that it is something that we learn early on is unacceptable to the above mentioned groups. And so we spend many years building layers of insulation around ourselves to protect ourselves for hurt, disappointment, frustration and loneliness, and to allow ourselves to be accepted. In my case, I had to learn to hide, deny, conceal, and feel shame about my need to be feminine part of the time. I find it so strange that this is something one must hide. I would think it is something to glorify. To me, women represent the heart and soul of humanity, the caregivers and nurturers. Who would not want to be allowed to be included in that? Instead I became the hunter-gatherer, the warrior and adversary. Now I am acceptable!

[Rhonda Jean]

Jess,
I think it's a great idea. I'd be there! Having said that, I think the general forum provides a lot of support. I know from personal experience. This is an unbelievably caring community. I'm sure we all (CDers) flock to the fun threads first, but a "sister" in pain is not ignored. Some of us have been dealing with this for a long time. Two months ago I was one of the more fortunate ones with a somewhat accepting wife (I thought). Now my wife has moved out and divorce is a real possibility. Our situations change. Sometimes dramatically. Sometimes literally overnight. Nothing can prepare you for this, nor will you ever see it coming, but once it does a forum like you describe would be a library of reference for those like me who suddenly find themselves where they never expected to be. I'll post an update on my situation on the main forum soon, when I feel up to it. It'll not be one of the fun ones. If revealing my situation would help one other person, it would be very gratifying.

[KandisTX]

WE may not, so tell us how you feel please, it can only help our understanding of the inner turmoil you go through amd it may even ease some of our torn up insides if we can understand were you are coming from

:hugs:Jess

Jess and others,

As you may know from my posts and Glitter GG's posts, we have a very good line of communication set up. I know that I can tell her when I am in a "funk" about not being able to dress, and she will help me make time to dress. It is very important that if you have an SO that knows about your dressing that you are able to tell them how you truly feel. Without that communication it makes for difficult times during other aspects of the relationship. I know that if I were not able to talk to GlitterGG I would have some serious issues in the mental health state of myself.

Kandis:love:

[Rachel Morley]

It's threads like this that keep me coming here. Thanks so much for asking this question Jess. I really liked Julie York's post on this. This is how it was for me in the begining. At times I hated myself for being a crossdresser. I would tell myself "this is not normal behavior for a guy" or "I shouldn't be fanning the flames" or that (I was single at the time) "no woman is going to go for a guy who likes to dress up and pretend he's a girl" .... but of course all this turned out to be nonsense, including the last one, because my wife actually likes me to dress and looked to date a crossdresser before she met me. She even had a previous boyfriend who introduced her to crossdressing

So my point is IMHO, the turmoil, just like Julie York says, is about how you think you are "supposed to act" as a man. Men are supposed to be a certain way if we look at the social pressures involved when it comes to conformity. Even amongst men there is a social hierarchy just like in the animal kingdom. Any sign of weakness is considered a bad thing. Crossdressing is moving towards the feminine which is "considered being less of a man" and so crossdressing is not welcome in so many areas by so many people for so many different reasons. Why else is it such a problem for wives, SOs, mainstream society, employers, the Church, et etc. In our world, self esteem and social conformity has a lot to answer for.

[Leah B]

Most of my turmoil is relationship oriented. Some CDers struggle with hiding CDing because they don't want others to know about it. I struggle with hiding it because Sobe doesn't. I don't care if I'm a freak, but she doesn't want to be the freak's GF, and since I care about her, I keep it quiet. I want desperately to go out. I want to shave my face and body whenever I wish, but she's afraid she wont be able to see the guy me if I do, so I don't for her sake. I feel like I'm not in control of my own body. She doesn't outright ban me from anything, but whenever I've done things she's not okay with, it causes a giant fight. Even so, everything I read warns that crossdressers are selfish, and that the CDer should consider the SO's feelings, so I feel guilty that I can't just be happy with what she does let me have. I wonder if I'll always be depressed, or if I'll just be depressed as long as I'm with her, or if I would regret leaving her. I feel like she thinks that if she frees me, that I'll make bad decisions, or get myself fired, or alienate her completely (I wouldn't). I'm afraid to bring anything up because she'll get defensive. I feel like I'm putting in all this footwork to understand my CDing, and how it impacts the relationship, and how it's difficult for the partner, but that she doesn't want to because it's so upsetting for her to read. I feel like she expects to understand this or come to some solution without pain, and that this is an unreasonable expectation.

I feel like I'm probably wrong on at least half of what I think, but that the topic of CDing is such a minefield that I'm afraid to ask which half (which means, I suppose, that I'm looking for painless answers as well).

[Patsy Stone GG]

I have to thank Jess (SO) for starting this thread and thank all of you who replied with your honest answers.

On behalf of all the GG's on this forum, I wanted you to know of our appreciation of your courage and openness on this difficult subject.

Let's hope this thread runs a long time and helps us all be more aware of our feelings.

Thank you all again.

[Chelseaswpa]

I have been hiding for 40 yrs so... I still cannot fully describe my feelings. I really do try, but it is so difficult, and I get confused my self some times LOL. I can't even write it all here I just let it come out in dribs and drabs and go from there. Thanks for listening

[RebeccaLynne]

Jess, thank you for generating this thread. I've read some of the most revealing and thoughtful responses I've ever seen on this site. Thanks to all who have posted thus far.
In my case, I've fully embraced my crossdressing as an expression of my inner femininity. I do so in private, with no reservations or self-loathing.
However, as nancy58 said, "less than a man" in the eyes of my girlfriend is my greatest concern. I don't want to disappoint her, or diminish her image of me.
Therein lies my greatest fear, in that I would not want to tarnish that vision she holds.
For that reason, I've not yet disclosed my alter-ego to her.
How do I feel?
Dismay and uncertainty not knowing what course to take.

[Sheila]

thanks to all who have replied to this thread .................. so many of your replies have stopped me going off the deep end with him ............ he is going through a period (as far as I am aware) of not dressing, but also of not talking as well ( now't new there though:D) .... but for me/us you have stopped me going overboard. with my anxieties over CDING from an accepting SO .... if he talked, if I had any idea of how he was feeling at any given time, so much would be easier .......... so many of you have helped us in a vareiety of ways, alll I can do is say thanks ..................... it is maybe inadequate but THANKYOU ALL OF YOU:hugs:

[teresa jeen]

he probably feels alone and hopeless. if you really love him you can be supportive of his wishes and desires. we were raised to classify people by the way they dressed. one of the reasons i love to be a woman is because of my mother,a very strong willed and smart woman, ive always wanted to emulate her and her manerisms. he doesnt love you less when you wear jeans (originally mens clothing) why would you love him less when hes in a skirt,kilt?prove him right and be the woman you so luckly are and look him in the eyes and tell him how you feel.

[Lanore]

I have never had any inner termoils that I can think of. I have always known I was female with no labels. With that said, I live the way I was born.

Lanore

[Sheila]

he probably feels alone and hopeless. if you really love him you can be supportive of his wishes and desires. we were raised to classify people by the way they dressed. one of the reasons i love to be a woman is because of my mother,a very strong willed and smart woman, ive always wanted to emulate her and her manerisms. he doesnt love you less when you wear jeans (originally mens clothing) why would you love him less when hes in a skirt,kilt?prove him right and be the woman you so luckly are and look him in the eyes and tell him how you feel.


But I do love him ........ I do not love him less because he is a CDR .............. If I can find a way to make this easier for him AND for others I would be one happy lady I don't love him any less because he has a need to wear what society deems to be female clothing .......... I wished he and others were comfortable in their desires ....... not castigated by society because of it

My original question was about why "you feel wives or SOs have no clue how torn up you get inside when you face or think about your situation" ............not about the love we feel, or about our acceptance ........ but rather what causes YOU to feel the way you do .......... if we as SO's can understand, then maybe, just maybe we can help, ..... and that was the point of this thread ..... not to apportian, acceptance or blame, but to enable us to understand YOUR fears, Your insecurities and inner turmoil ........... to help us help you

[TxKimberly]

I think Valerie Nicole said it very well. There is a HUGE conflict of emotions and desires. I wish I could look like a model, I wish I could look like a wrestler. I want my wife and children to be proud of their father/husband and look up to me as someone they can count on to be strong, but I also want to be the one who is taken care of. I used to feel so ashamed of what I am, how can I do this to my wife, how about my children? Why can't I just be a man, wow I wish I were a woman. ARRGGHHHH!!!!!!
A lot of confilcts . . .

[LaFem]

Yes, we are torn up, distressed, even a bit wacky sometimes.

But when we involve another human being in our problems, is that acceptable? Is it even anything but self indulgence?

[Sheri 4242]

But when we involve another human being in our problems, is that acceptable? Is it even anything but self indulgence?

When we involve another human being in our problems it isn't automatically "self-indulgence." It is often what is called "a relationship."



Why can't I just be a man, wow I wish I were a woman. ARRGGHHHH!!!!!! A lot of confilcts . . .

Kim, your pragmatic answers always give pause for meaningful thought!!! In one statement, above, you have exemplified the conflicted state so manyof us are going through (or have been through)!!!

[christina marie]

i think i got a handle on this one, try being the two most opposite things you can think of, and being good at being both of them. i hope that makes sense,cause it does to me! it sounds a bit simplistic, but everyone has detailed specific problems, which are,at least for me, just the tip of the iceberg. i was looking for something that could sort of sum it all up. i certainly wasnt meaning to trivialize anyones struggles. for me, it has been by far the hardest, most painful struggle in my life, but i would do it all over again twice as long as i got to be me in the end!

[Hali]

Hey wen i was younger i got so many complements not that am extremely beautiful or something (but i think there is something about me that triggers the reaction i get), but there is one complement i get from my male friends, i think the complement was said to me about seven times and it goes like this "hey guess wat if you are a woman i would have married you" i use to be suprised, then I got issues with guys wen i was in BOARDING SCHOOL guys simply buy me gifts and write letters to me that they want to be ma friends and wen we become friends they tend to hug me "too much" at not that i lead them on, no i dont, and my behaviour and demeanor are quite masculine, and i get completements like 'hey i like your body' or 'hey you hav kissable lips' and so on, and ma sister always dressing me up as her 'sister' didnt help matters, can you imagine the pressure, sometimes i felt like dying or killing ma self cos of all the effect of those things at childhood, and my family are religious, hey i can write forever, inshort i started becoming happy and accepting ma self after discovering websites of trassexuals and crossdressers and knowing that am not alone.

[Kitty Sue]

Most of my inner turmoil comes from societies labeling and bigetry. They do not except a side of me that they are afraid of. Because it changes conceptions on who they are. I know i am fine, but may never be accepted completly.
Sarah

I would agree with this statement. I do have issues surrounding CDing. Generally though it has been more beneficial to my life than negative. One of the reasons I am so open minded and am able to talk about my feelings is due in no small part to being a cross dresser. I am far more willing to listen to people who are gay, lesbian, alcoholic, drug addicts etc than what I was 10 years ago. Until I accepted my CDing I was close minded, homophobic and extremely judgemental of others and their problems. I was trying to fix myself by judging others.

Thankfully coming to grips with being a cross dresser has allowed me to open my mind and heart to other people and the issues they have. There are now many people who seek me out to talk to me about their hidden secrets.

At time I wish I was not a CDer or bisexual. Just so I can be what I think society wants me to be. But I realise that is just my ego and selfishness coming through.

I can annoyed at myself for spending so much money on women's clothes and makeup while skipping men's clothes that I need for day to day living (I do not think this spending issue is solely due to CDing as I am always blowing money it seems).

I have to be careful not to judge my insides by other peoples outsides as they saying goes.

I can be inclined to feel why me? Why do I have to be a CDer. But I also realize that I my openness and loving nature and ability to talk about my feelings that people often marvel at is due in no small part to being a bi sexual cross dresser. All the best, KS


By the way the members of this site have been extremely helpful to me. It is a wonderful resource for all who are touched by the TG community I believe.

[susan2067]

Jess - thank you for asking, and to all SOs for listening.

Being a Crossdresser pushes a load of emotional buttons. Guilt, shame, self-loathing, fear, loneliness. The tactile attraction of the clothes and the fabrics, the feeling of just being so alive, a great calmness, completeness, and being able to live emotions so unlike the expectation of society for the aggressive and competitive male.

When you are young there's the unknown driver that makes you try on your sister's clothes, as you get older there's the erotic attraction, and then later it's an overwhelming need to reach this other part of you.

But all the while you know you are not "normal". Who can you talk to about how you feel? Who would understand? Sometimes you try and ignore it, but it doesn't go away.

At the end of last year I read "Outer Anger - Inner Rage" on the Grace and Lace website. Wow. That really hit home, and I suddenly saw what was happening to me and what it was doing to my relationships. Reading further on Grace and Lace I finally understood that I was created the way I am, that God loves me for who I am, and that being a Crossdresser is not another person (ok, despite the femme name) but being a CDer is part of the whole me.

That gave me the strength to come out to my wife - something I should have had the courage to do years ago. This had to be the hardest decision I have ever made and it was not an easy time for us, but with God's love we got through. My wife accepts that CDing happens, that I'm a CDer and that in a way it's no big deal. She doesn't want to see me dressed, and I guess she would really prefer it if I didn't. The one thing she doesn't understand is *why* of actually dressing and I can't explain. It's a bit like trying to explain why you are left-handed, it just is.

We are taking it all a step at a time. She says that I am a lot more relaxed than I have been for years. I have only dressed a few times since I came out, and when I have I feel more fulfilled and I want to explore more styles. At the moment it's don't ask, don't tell, but I want to be more open about that. Maybe I am being a bit impatient just yet, and she must have a mountain to climb with the whole thing.

What I do know is that I am blessed to have a patient and loving wife, who is prepared to accept me how I am despite having kept for so many years this from her, that I am at last beginning to live the whole me, and that we have God's love to support us. I am only sorry that I never found all this before.

May we all find the peace and love that each of us deserves.

Susan

[StephanieH]

:happy:Hey Jess, Randi here. You are a real treasure among the GG's here, and I say that with all due respect to every GG here, because it's wonderful any of you take the time to log on and seek information about this matter. You already know something of my situation, but to the point of your post, I can only echo what some others have said.

There is a great deal of turmoil for me, because I feel oppressed 24/7 that I cannot really be who I feel compelled to be. So many factors surrounding me dictate that I cannot and likely never will be able to. Society isn't accepting, my job could be at jeopardy, I risk making my wife and daughter open to ridicule and torrid discussion by others, the list goes on and on. Men aren't supposed to be this way, that's the way the world has set it in stone, and if we are, then we're either supposed to be comedians of serial killers. :( I am neither.

My wife does accept this to some degree, but I'd hardly call it encouragement or active support, and I had brief periods where it looked like I would get that, so that's disappointing as well. :straightface: In short, I suppose I'm in a state of near constant frustration which doesn't make me a very happy camper, yet, I must put on my best "everything's fine" attitude and face to the world and my family just to keep everyone else around me from being dragged down as well. I'd hardly wish this on anyone else, so I'm not going to lay guilt trips out or place blame, it's just that the world isn't accepting of us generally. Among those on this board, there is harmony and support, but it's a really big world out there, and I don't see anyone from this board living in my neighborhood.

If your husband has stopped dressing and isn't talking, he's likely going through a fairly serious bout of depression about this and may be trying to see if he can kick the habit. Don't wait for him to open up to you, you already know just about all there is to know. Make him sit down and clear the air. He'll feel better and your relationship will be better as well.

Prayin' for ya'll, would appreciate the same down here.

Take care and God bless! :hugs:

[leftyblueeyes]

Hi Jess and everyone. Thanks for sharing your hearts. Some of you have put words to things that I have had difficulty putting my finger on.

I probably will end up saying much that others have already said but its always good to get some of it out. But, actually, that brings up a good point. I talk to a few good friends about my "turmoil" and I talk to my counselor. Sometimes, I talk about it with online friends. But, the same stuff keeps coming up. I think I have dealt with some element of my self-judgment, my fear, my anxiety, but that it comes creeping back in again. I say to myself, "you have said this before. You should have dealt with it by now. No one wants to keep hearing your same issues over and over again." etc. Its not often exactly the same though and even if it is, it is inside of me and I want to talk about it.

I talked about it for a while with my ex-wife but because of all that "mind talk" and because of her her very harsh criticism I stopped talking. Eventually she decided that it was my CD desires and thoughts that were causing me to "withdraw" and "isolate." She didn't want me to CD around her and she didn't want me to do it in private because, "if it has to be done in private then you are keeping something from me and we don't have a real relationship. You could just as well be with another woman." She didn't want me to think about it because then I was having a fantasy life that I didn't share with her. She reinforced every fear i ever had about my crossdressing.

So she left me. Asked for a divorce on the day of our anniversary last september. On new years day she told me she was dating my former best friend. Two months ago they were married. He's the macho guy in her eyes - truck, hairy chest, fixes things for a living, etc. When she left me I had told her months before that I was done crossdressing. Of course, I knew better, but i knew she wouldn't stay with me if I did. When she left me, even though she had never seen me dressed, she told me that when she looked at me she felt "disgusted."

And that is how I feel when I consider ever letting a woman see me dressed. No matter what they might say to the contrary, I cannot trust that they won't at least eventually feel "disgusted" by me. So, I guess I too at some level believe I am disgusting by wanting to dress.

So, I am left with a boat load of what I call "mind talk," the stuff that runs around in my head condemning me, life, and often other people, without my conscious choice. Its the running commentary on everything I do, think, say, experience, witness, hear, etc. The litany includes: I am disgusting, weak, a failure, dishonest, unworthy, worthless, empty, crazy, ineffectual, pointless, ugly, scary. I know full well that most of the human race believes such things about themselves at some point. We're all running around with at least some negative self perception. However, I often think, "if i could just make this cd bullsh* go away then I would no longer think those things. I am these things because of cding." Truth is I am none of those things, or maybe all of them for brief moments, but they are not my identity. I am quite the opposite of all of them most of the time. Nonetheless, stopping the "mindtalk" takes a lot of awareness and a lot of work.

But, as I take steps forward in that way, messages keep coming from elsewhere trying to get me to go back to thinking of myself that way. It comes from every where in society and so i very much wish I could hide the truth, even though I am no longer with my ex-wife. I can't stand having hair on my legs anymore, for example, but I am a young guy with a decent body living in Alabama. I can hardly get away with not wearing shorts sometimes. I have done so pretty regularly and no, its never been a problem, but there is always the risk that someone will figure me out, especially someone I care about but who doesn't know my story. What if they ask? Well, I believe (falsely) that I would have to explain or they might make all sorts of assumptions about me. They might even start to believe all that garbage that I said above that I sometimes believe about me. Again, I believe falsely that if they think it then it is true.

Then, there's fatherhood. I have two awesome boys of elementary school age. As their dad, I am the primary role model. They know nothing of my cding but my oldest one surely knows I shave my legs. I have dresses, skirts, lingerie, cosmetics, and a wig. They live with me some of the time. How much longer can I hide these things. Kids are bound to snoop sometimes, my youngest often goes through my one dresser drawer because he knows he will find loose change. I am not about to start saying that can't look in any of my drawers or in my closet. We will soon be sharing a small apartment. It may still be years before they discover anything, but no matter how old they are, how would I explain? I would likely be the cause of so much confusion and who knows what else (again, mindtalk. I can't predict their reaction). I have had the notion that I can teach them over time to be open minded and accepting of people's differences, but I can't control what they learn on their mother's end, in the church they go to, or anywhere else in society. I am so scared that my cding will undo the benefits of everything else I am to them. They think they are learning to be a man from me, and then they find out that I wasn't "all man" to begin with? I am a great dad in every other way, but I often can't see it because all I see is this issue.

I could go on and on. Literally, I could write a book. Without a counselor and really understanding friends, I think I would either be insane or dead. :sad: Dear Jess, thank you for your support and your desire to understand. Thank you for modeling what I hope is out there in someone I can fall in love with. You remind me that there is hope.

[Satrana]

A short answer would be - the things which churn up SOs are the same issues that churn up CDs. i think it is a mistake to believe that CDs and SOs are two separate groups with different takes on the issue. In reality we are all brought up in the same society with the same core beliefs about gender so we all end up with the same questions and make the same mistakes.

Another error made here is the belief that CDs have had decades to deal with these issues and so must have a greater understanding of them than SOs. Many CDs spend decades being bewildered about what this is all about and cant see the wood for the trees. Often an SO may have as much insight as the CD about crossdressing by spending a few days on the internet. Sometimes being an outsider can also give you a better overall picture but obviously without the emotional burden CDs carry about with them all of their lives.

Maybe the best way to answer your question is to think seriously about if you were a CD, how would you feel about yourself and how would you want your partner to treat you. That is probably the most insightful answer you can get by placing yourself in another's shoes.

[Lora Olivia]

Well Jess for me it was be out or be crazy, locked up insane or dead...the man side of me was being driven crazy by me....been locked up too many years not to be out, so at the risk of destroying our lives i went for it...think maybe all 3 of us will make it through

[deepjoy40]

I have been looking for answers my whole life to what I have seen as a disorder and coming across this site recently has helped me begin to accept who and what I really am - I am grateful to you all.

How it feels?

I have had more purges than a people's revolution, more denial than is healthy, and a deep sense of unease, sadness and anger my whole life. Being a CD, has felt for the past thirty or so years been like lying on a guillotine waiting for the blade to drop in a situation out of my control !!!
I have felt that at any moment all that I have been and strived for could be wiped away and I'd ask myself for what?

I've been married, joined the military, left the military and left my marriage after ten years to set my wife and myself free. She wasn't happy with my CDing despite me telling her before we got engaged. She had taken the fact that she was dating a CD with dignity and courage, trying to accept me but never really comfortable.
After all, when your twenty and full of fight and hope, both hoplessly in love you can take on the world, or so we thought. I'd found the courage to tell her and lacked the knowledge to know that in trying to love her back as she truely wanting, I'd lose myself. The more I was her man the more I lost me and the more I was me the more she lost her sense of self!

Ten years later we split, I knew she wanted children but I knew I didn't. Not that I don't love kids I do, but I was never going to be good enough, kids deserve it all and I had felt empty, angry and totally confused. I loved her enough to leave and carried the guilt of that for a couple of years, until she remarried and had her own child. We kept in touch for a few years and I love the person she is, I would have died for her because she would have stayed with me and forgone everything she ever wanted for my sake. It was that more than anything else that made me leave someone that I loved and respected. I have absolutely no regrets about it now - it was the right thing to do for her and me. Being a CD and accepting it was my "Tiger to Ride" not hers or anyone's else's.

She was just a lady that could not within herself truely accept and I don't blame her. If we are all honest most of us may still not accept who and what we are, so how can we judge those that love us and whether with anger or love express how they feel about "our" trait. They express nothing that I have not repressed about how I feel about myself as a ride the rollercoaster of emotions over the years.

I've been out with different women over the years, some really accepting but in other ways totally incompatable and some not. I have fallen into the same trap as before, being what they wanted me to be, or more to the point perhaps who I thought they wanted me to be. I never got the balance right and as the weight keeps shifting endlessly it is no small wonder.

I'm now forty. I have no fight left, no true sense of self, but enough self respect for myself and others to know that the sense of balance may never come and as such until that time arrives if at all, I cannot put someone else in the mix with me. I have met some truely wonderful GG's, but also been a victim of some real bitches. I've been comforted and had real closeness and deep friendship by some and I've been "outed" to my own mother and at work by others, for no agenda that I will ever understand.

I'm not a convincing CD, far for it I look like a big man in a dress. Hey I am a man in a dress!! but inside when I CD, I am sometimes the most beautiful, sensitive and honest girl I know. I am a good friend, a good boss and a good man and woman within.

I'm not convinced that we can be accepted as we all seek, but I am convinced that we are worth something. I have had too many women tell me that as an attractive man "I am not like all the others that they have met"
that is true for the most part and that is what I try to hang onto. The downside for GG's with me is that I dont often "look like all the others that they have met either"!

I would say to any GG on here truely and honestly that you never understand the way that any CD would like you to.

You will never truely understand that the expression that you see is a means of travel for the repression within, or in the case of any stage of denial the repression you see is the sympton of expression locked within.

It is beyond my comprehension but it is me whether I like it or not. I am just fortunate in that I am beginning to accept how complicated it all really is. Let the guillotine fall then - it is beyond my control but I can at least smile abit more now.

regards to you all, whoever you may be!

M :happy:

[Sheila]

So many emotions, so many fears, so much turmoil, so much pain ................... also so much truth, love, joy and laughter, so much hope and belief ............... WE are an amazing group

:hugs:Jess

[Davinnia]

Wow, this thread has come at just the right time for me. I am in the process of coming out to my wife so I can rid myself of all the guilt I feel for hiding my secret from the most important person in my life & to escape the fear of being caught dressed.
So I guess the answer to how I feel is fear & guilt. I showed my wife my photos last night & we talked. It was a nervewracking experience I can tell you & I was shaking. I seem to be dealing with things worse than her. She told me last night & this morning not to worry,that everything is OK & I'm trying to feel reassured. Reassurance & expressions of love are vital both ways.
I need to dress, it's impossible to stop. I don't want to be female or "girly", just express my feminine side & I enjoy the process of dressing completely. I have no desire to leave the house dressed or tell anyone else or shout it out to the world. It's my private passion, but I needed to share my feelings with my SO. This is a long journey of self discovery, {a bit like life,really},but on a parallel road,there is no end point I am aiming at other than being at peace with myself & being able to dress safely & comfortably at home,not worrying if my wife sees me or not,though she isn't ready to see me dressed yet, & I'm not ready either.She sees "her" as a 3rd person in the house & didn't see the photos as being me. I AM feeling better about myself & know that talking & trying to explain is making my life much better that is was.
Who can say men who don't CD don't tear themselves up for many reasons,we can't say, as we are CDs.There are far worse things to deal with,kids on drugs,family with cancer etc. Inner termoil is just being human,regardless of gender.
To quote the last line of Some Like it Hot[the ultimate Cd movie]
WELL, NOBODY'S PERFECT !