So what now? (telling your SO's)

[leliani]

PART ONE: SOAP BOX
For those of you who are having trouble telling your SO's about dressing...you need to do it. You just have to. It feels SO GOOD to get it off your chest. And even though (as you'll soon read), it didn't go so well for me...I felt so much better.

PART TWO: CONFESSION
So, I was finally able to tell my wife. I think she was more concerned with thinking that I wanted to get a sex change, and become a girl (which I don't...I still enjoy being a man...). But I told her that, and she eventually understood that I just enjoy dressing. But then something interesting happened. She began to say that she thought that maybe I dress because I want to have a woman in front of me, and that this is my way of trying to cope. That's a new one I suppose. But then I told her that I was simply that I enjoyed the feel of satins and silks...and all the other stuff.

She did take it really well though. I mean there was no shouting, and at no point did she freak out or anything (and thank GOD no mention of divorce or anything). But she listened, and then we talked about it, and it was kind of a pleasant chat.

PART THREE: CONSEQUENCES
Sadly...for me...she did say that she wanted me to stop. Now, this isn't all her fault because I did offer to stop (because she means more to me that a piece of silk). But one thing she did do (that was really sweet) was say that I could stop slowly. She made it clear that she never wanted to see me dressed...and frankly I didn't want her to see me dressed (though I had hoped that she would have helped me shop).

PART FOUR: WHAT NOW?
So, I did tell her that I would stop, which I hope I am able to do...but what if I can't? Should I tell her that I can't? Should I go back into the closet and do it secretly? One thing I definately need advice on is to ask her if I'm allowed an 'emergency pair' of panties (at least).

It's sad that I have to let Leliani go. But I am VERY happy that I have a wife that loves me, and a marriage that can withstand that. And in the end, I am still VERY happy that I told her. It was my last secret, and now with her...my life is an open book. It's very liberating, and I have no regrets.

So that's my story, and thanks for listening. I would hope some GG's and SO's could post here to help me out...and I hope your CD'ing SO's appreciate and love you very much...because you truly are amazing people, and they are VERY lucky to have you.

Love to you all

~Leliani~

[Karren H]

Guess that's it!! Your done!! Based on Step one making you so dang happy you should be satisified you did the right thing.. So go throw all you fem things in the trash and delete this site from your favorites!!!

Jezzzzzzzzz

The truth will set you free... Free of your marriage, your family, your money and your happyness!! It isn't a blanket cure all for everyone you know?? Guess you found that out??

Ok.. I feel better but with a slight shodow of impending doom.. When the GGs counter attack.. Lol

Ohhhh. In My Opinion!! Almost forgot the get out of jail free disclaimer!! :)

Karren

[DonnaT]

Well, I think the possibility of not being able to stop should defiinitely be a topic of conversation. And discussions on ways to compromise.

Rarely does a CD stop CDing completely. One may stop for a few months or years, and then it may come back with greater vengence.

So honesty about it upfront is always best. No hiding in the closet from her, unless she doesn't want to see or know, yet understands that you are still CDing.



DEAR ABBY: Please tell me if I'm going crazy. My husband of 30 years recently admitted that he enjoys wearing my undergarments! At first I was shocked, but now I am over it. We went shopping together and bought him several pairs of panties and a couple of nightgowns. He was in seventh heaven.

Our sex life has never been better and we really are enjoying each other -- but still I wonder. -- MIXED UP IN FLORIDA

DEAR MIXED UP: You are not the first wife who has helped her husband cross-dress, and you won't be the last. He is a transvestite -- someone who enjoys wearing clothing that is traditionally worn by the opposite sex. Because your sex life has "never been better" and you are "really enjoying each other," my advice is to stop "wondering" and appreciate that after 30 years of marriage your husband finally trusted you enough to show you who he really is.

[Katie Moore]

I think you should continue talking to your wife and hopefully with the passage of time she will come to better terms with it. I told my wife about a month ago and by talking and joking about it she supports me in it. I just told mine how important it was to me and how I like it and that I neded her support and that I wanted in the open. Hope you can use any of that and good luck to you.:love:

Wishful

[Emily Ann Brown]

I understand the "need" to be honest with your wife....felt the same thing. I didn't volunteer to quit...got told I WOULD quit, so I know where you are now. I certainly hope you are the first to stop forever, however my advice is you don't (A) go back to sneaking and hiding if you can't because that would defeat everything you have accomplished so far by being honest , and (B) you don't NOT bring up the "what if " issue with her. I know I know, you start talking about you can't and that is a defeatist attitude. But you better know the terms for defeat young lady. And IMHO an "emergency" pair of panties is like a SMALL whiskey bottle in the cabinet of a dry alcoholic.... may be better to ask HER to stop wearing panties (and skirts and cute tops and sexy dresses and....).

And would all the GGs please note that Karren and I are sisters but share opposing views on the honesty issue (left my asbestos bra and panties in the other car).

Emily Ann

[Maureen Henley]

"...So, I did tell her that I would stop, which I hope I am able to do...but what if I can't? Should I tell her that I can't? Should I go back into the closet and do it secretly? ..."

Have you considered the possibility of counselling or therapy. a profesional might help the two fo you to develop useful strategies for ending your crosdressing, or convince your wife that completely stopping could be impossible or couse severe emotional damage to you. Either way, the professional view will give some unbiased insight.

Best of luck to the happily married couple that you are!

[Carin's Wife GG]

Guess that's it!! Your done!! Based on Step one making you so dang happy you should be satisified you did the right thing.. So go throw all you fem things in the trash and delete this site from your favorites!!!

Jezzzzzzzzz

The truth will set you free... Free of your marriage, your family, your money and your happyness!! It isn't a blanket cure all for everyone you know?? Guess you found that out??

Ok.. I feel better but with a slight shodow of impending doom.. When the GGs counter attack.. Lol

Ohhhh. In My Opinion!! Almost forgot the get out of jail free disclaimer!! :)

Karren

you certainly put forward a point that would not work for me. I know your situation works for you and yours. Maybe the OP could not live with the unspoken between him and his wife. I know when Carin told me (many years ago) I knew it was difficult for her. Over the years we have had our ups and downs with the CDing (and other stuff too!) but I know it would be too difficult for her to not do this.


Louise,

[gmss]

My 0.02

Go all positive, no negative. No guarantees without saying as much. You'll make maximum effort to stop CDing. And be honest and really make the effort.

Even if CD is something that you might eventually return to, don't worry about that now., Work at and speak of, the immediate future.

You should be able to stop at least for a month or two, (or more?) In that time she may reconsider her views on the subject.

Try to find out what she thinks about it going forward without actually being fixated on it. i.e. check her reaction when you see a CD etc.

Never say never. Maybe you can last a long time without CD, or maybe you will not need it anymore at all. Or else maybe in a month or two she will change her mind about it, I'd say just focus on the next few months.

Just some random thoughts....

[BarbaraTalbot]

you absolutely can NEVER go back in the closet.

This is a dilemma because she stated she doesn't want to to see you dressed.

Under dressing (wearing something soft under male clothes) may be a good compromise.

If you truly quit, she will feel she has "changed" you and will be , frankly, elated.



(Ducks here to avoid the sight line of the GG's)

It is an oft observed occurrence that a woman enjoys helping a man realize the potential she always saw inside him. (pshew that just might fly under the radar of the GG's. At least I didn't say, "Women get married hoping to change the man into what they perceive he should be, and Men marry women hoping they will never ever change", - and to be fair to grow)

My own GG is giving me a long raised eyebrow here.....

Anyway, the ultimate win-win would be for you to provide her with information both specific to you personally and CD's in general..(hint hint, send her here to browse). Let her ABSORB and PROCESS this information in her own time.

She has questions...are you gay, are you bi, will you have surgery eventually if encouraged..etc etc etc..you have addressed these with her but that doesn't mean that she concurs with your self assessment.


Then main concern I have for you is not whether you can stop, or even whether you 'love her enough to stop" (that is scary because having said that if you fail, then what?). My concern is what part of you is unable to express herself if you so not permit yourself to dress?

either way, Yay for disclosure, yay it didnt go nuke. Not so optimistic about suppression.

love,
Barbara

[Angie G]

my wife knows it ran in the family so she undrestands what makes me want to dress and is in a way Ok with it thank God my wife loves me but she has her limits and I respct them :hugs:
Angie

[Rainbow GG]

IMO, I do not think you will be able to completely stop. I don't believe any CDer can ever totally stop without wanting to go back to it, to the point that you become depressed and anxious from not being doing it. My SO tried stopping (before we met), he had purged all his things. But I know he became very depressed and could not stay away from it. it's a part of who you are, you can't just throw who you are away.

I think you should really talk to your wife about everything. Do you really want to just stop?

[renee99]

I think instead of trying to rid yourself of it you should allocate time for it. That way she doesn't have to see it, and you can get it out of your system. Eventually you'll just be hit with the urge and become more and more resentful that you can't do it. Then you'll either be depressed, sneak around and do it, or have the same talk all over again.... "No honey, I REALLY know what I need this time..."

[cindi cinnamon]

Leliani,

CAREFUL.......CAREFUL.......CAREFUL !!!!!!!

To deny ones "self", is a recipe for unhappiness at best, or a disaster at worst.

Know how you think and feel about CDing before giving it up.

If it's important to you, consider revisiting the conversation with your wife.

But, please remember, that what any of us are offering here, are only opinions, and that any future dialogue that you have with your wife should be firmly rooted in the understanding of your relationship with her. No one here should pretend to know what that relationship is.

We all wish you the best.

Love, Cindi Cinnamon.

[Sandra]

What ever you do don't go back into the closet and do it behind her back, if she finds out you are doing this it will cause a lot more problems. Talk to her again explain that it will be hard for you to give it up and try to get some leyway from her.

[Sheri 4242]

IMHO, you and your wife are a long'gggg way from the end of this story. She will probably have more questions -- and may even repeat some of the old ones. She may, at first blush, ask if you want to be a woman. You've answered that for now, but she probably will return to that for reasurance. She hasn't asked everything -- like the next common question is are you gay. It is so'oooo common for people to think "male heterosexual crossdressers" must be gay -- they don't understand that most gay men desire other men, not men emulating women.

There may be things you need to learn about yourself and crossdressing, too! With many (most?) of us, we have spent decades coming to terms with who and what we are -- dealing with guilt and shame, and fear, and going through countless purges -- and if it is hardwired into your brain, as some (many?) believe, you just can't say you're done with it -- you cannot deny a part of what you are!!!!!!!

Perhaps you should tell your wife that you want to learn more about what makes you a crossdresser -- AND tell her that to help you, you wish she'd help you explore legitimate theories, explanations, and research. She may learn (without you ever saying a word along this line) that this IS a part of you that isn't going away -- and, in fact, that many of the qualities she loves about you are direct extensions of who and what you are!!!!!!!

Maybe you, in doing what I suggested in the last paragraph, can get her on this site!!! We have some great GG's who are knowledgeable, articulate, and supportive -- and who may be able to help your wife reach new levels of understanding, and perhaps a heretofore unexpected level of acceptance and/or tolerance!!!!!!!

A counselor may be of help -- but only if they have, as one of their specialties, "geneder counselling" experience!!!!!!!

Right now you have got to be patient!!! This is not a subject that a wife usually can come to terms with without a lot of patience, understanding, and taking baby steps -- sometimes three steps forward, then two back, then one forward, then three back, and so on. Crossdressing certainly can help a husband and wife learn the importance of boundaries!!!

Get her on here if you can. Get her to reading, too -- again, if you can.

I'll end with this -- when my wife and I met, she really didn't even know that there were male heterosexual crossdressers. The only thing she knew about crossdressers was (a.) drag queens, and (b.) comedic stories where some form of CDing played a role (Tootsie, Mrs. Doubtfire, To Wong Foo, Connie & Carla, and Victor Victoria). Had you told my wife that she would ever be married to a crossdresser and be an accepting, supportive wife of a crossdresser -- one that understands and even defends CDing -- she would have told you that such was crazy!!! Who knows what is possible with your wife until you become proactive (subtlely so) and let her learn step-by-step?!!?

[terri jane]

I amliking to wear hoping that this wont sound so repetative but I came out to the wife about liking to wear panties and lingerie, kept it light to egin with. it was accepted at first but then the questions came. we ended up in counseling hashing through all the are you gay, do you want a sex change where will it stop how far do you want to go etc. it came down to my agreeing to stop and the wife not ok with it. did not feel like much of a choice or any compromise. it was left at do not wear any of my things and if you continue i do not want to know. that was almost a year or better ago. Since then it has not been talked about at all, it is like it never happened. but for me it is real, ifeel femme but want to be a man, like to dress en femme but have honored my commitment. i can go underground kinda with her permission but haent yet. bought panties once and threw them away no place to hide them and not sure if I want to go back to secret life. i dont see us ever changing or the wife ever trying to understand. i believe it is a done deal so while i can say there are no more secrets i am not sure this was ever a good idea and on some days regret it, having said something or aving been so careless as to have gotten caught depending on which one of us you talk too. i still see the counselor and have found this site for at least knowing i am a cder even if i dont dress the part.

[Tree GG]

...If you truly quit, she will feel she has "changed" you and will be , frankly, elated.

(Ducks here to avoid the sight line of the GG's)...

Excellent move.......the can of hairspray only missed by inches :heehee:

I think everyone has pretty much got it covered:

#1 Don't promise to quit - promise to modify/control it to a mutually comfortable frequency and location.

#2 Don't go back in the closet. That tells her, "I know you said 'no', but I'm going to do it anyway just disregard our discussions."

#3 Contrary to our humorous friend (quoted above), wives don't want to "change" our husbands. Well OK, some things would best be gone :devil: but when I realized this wasn't a fetish, this was part of his psyche (at least he believed it to be which is all that counts with relation to CDing), how could I ask him to change that?

#4 You and your wife have a great opportunity to re-direct your relationship into a really wonderful, honest, understanding place. Even if she never participates, if you continue to be open and honest with her, you'll both feel respected and loved by your partner. It don't get much better than that.

:hugs:

[KandisTX]

I have got to echo what so many others have said. Do NOT PROMIS TO QUIT. Even if you do "quit", you will never be "free" from the desire. You know this as most of the other gurls and GGs here know this.

We are a unique species as we are fortunate enough to be able to explore both sides of the coin. While you have to be honest with her, you must more importantly be honest with yourself.

You will need to tell her quite honestly that you know you won't be able to "quit" because of what this is to you. It is not a disease, or sickness, or something that can be cured. It is a part of you. Now, she may well not want to ever see you dressed, which is often the case, and she may ask that you not do it at home. Okay, so what next? YOU need to start by asking HER questions. Find out why she feels you need to stop doing it. Does she feel threatened by the fact that you dress? Is she afraid that you want to become a woman, well you already answered that one, but you may need to reassure her on that aspect of things.

This is not an easy life to live. I've been through 3 wives prior to GlitterGG and I can assure you, #1 and #2 both wanted me to "stop/quit/not do it anymore", and #3 eventually got "jealous" because she would not be the center of attention when we went out together with me en femme. (What can I say, Kandis is an attention ****). GlitterGG and I have shared my dressing in both regular public life as well as out intimate private times. Kandis is a part of me, and therefore a part of US.

Honesty is your friend here, you must grab that friend and hold on.

Kandis:love: