trying to figure something out here

[Amber82]

First off, as many of you may have noticed I am a new member here. I have so many questions they could never be all answered in one post and this may or may not be the right forum to ask them to. Ill try as best I can to explain.

I am a married male 25yrs of age, been married 7 years. My wife and I have explored the swinging lifestyle and enjoy it but are very secure with each other and open to each other fulfilling their true desires no matter how wierd to some people (outside of the alternate lifestyle) may see them as. I as I stated in my new member introduction have just begin to experiment with cross dressing but have found I really like it and my wife enjoys it too as she says it turns her on since she is bi. I up until recently always considered myself bi-curious until I tried something with a guy and liked it. I have always been told by my wife that I have a much larger feminine side than most men do, this was told to me long before the cross dressing thing began. I dont consider myself to be gay because I like women also but for some reason when Im dressed up as a nice looking lady I still desire women but strongly desire men (or at least I think I do). I guess this could in some peoples eyes be called an identity crisis, lol. I know the fact that I like women too means im not 100% homosexual but im definitely bisexual.

How is the line drawn between me being just a crossdresser and a transsexual?
Are most crossdressers gay, bi, or straight?

If I could dress as a woman 100% of the time without all the people I know changing their feelings about me I would. But for now I am limited to being this way when my child is at her grandparents house 2 days a week and when I am only around my wife or in public in places which I know nobody I know will be there (Such as bars, clubs, out of town on vacations with just my wife, etc) Unless I moved away to a new town theres no chance I could dress all the time this way because my family would highly disapprove of it. (I know I shouldnt worry so much about what they think but I cant help it right now) I dont know that I could ever bring myself to work a job dressed as a woman because of being uncomfortable around everyone in the workplace with all the negative feelings so many people have towards crossdressers and gay / bi / transsexual people.

I can say that I have no desire to have any type of operations which i guess means im not fully transsexual but I guess the main reason for me posting so much stuff about me is hoping some of you can take a look at all of my feelings and things Ive posted and give me some insight here into what is normal, what is not, and maybe you can see something about my personality that will tell you something more about me to help me. maybe from talking to people and learning things I can figure out who I really am. lol.

Okay, so that was super long, any thoughts?
And hope I didnt offend anyone with anything I said I wasnt trying to but worry I might have as im still learning what is offensive to say and what isnt.

-Amber

[Stlalice]

Amber,

There is really no easy definition that says with total certainty whether one is a CD or is Transsexual. What it comes down to is a matter of gender identity vs. your physical body. Speaking in general terms the great majority of CD's tend to be straight/hetero males who are comfortable with being male -ie. no desire to transition or have SRS. What they do have is a feminine aspect to their character that they feel the need to express - some more often or extensively than others.

Someone who is transsexual - has what is called GID or Gender Identity Disorder - has very likely felt from an early age (some as young as 2 to 3 years old) that they were born into the wrong body. Their inner most sense of self - that of being a man or a woman is at odds with their body - resulting in problems dealing with society, personal relationships, ever deepening depression, and possibly thoughts of suicide.

No one here, reading your post can say for sure just where you fit in the TG spectrum - the very best advice I can give you is to contact a good therapist that specializes in gender issues and talk out your feelings/issues. That way you can figure out just what and who you are and where you are going. In any case you have come to a good place for information and support and we will hope to hear more from you as you progress. Hang in there kid - the road you are on ain't always easy but you have lots of company here who will help and advise. :2c:

[MarinaTwelve200]

Thats one of the questions I am pondering now---the difference between an actual "Transsexual" who would persue SRS. and the crossdressers who consider their "true self" to be female, but do not persue SRS.

Both crossdress, but thats no help, I CD too, but am what I call an "escapist", one who CDs in order to temporally "escape" from my real male self.----There are many reasons people crossdress, most not related to gender at all.---And of course have little or no direct relationship to sexuality, the hetros numbering the most by virtue of superiour numbers (as opposed to the smaller persentage of homosexuals) alone.

The Trannsexual/fem-sider question sort of puzzles me at the moment. About half half the CDs appear to be fem-siders, but are not, so they say, actual "transsexuals", as we and the general public think of TS.

At this point of the game, I tend to think that the Fem sider CDs (who consider their fem side their true self) as being being transsexuals ALSO----but a different kind of transsexual----fem siders appear to be Hetro in relation to their biosex---at most the radical, bi, but usually not homosexual.----This seems to tie in with The theory of Homosexual Transsexualisim vs NON- homosexual transsexualisim--I would think that the homosexual Transsexual would be the one who truly feels like "a woman trapped in a man's body", and are the ones who persue SRS.

The Non-homosexual transsexuals,(the hetro and bi,) may go no farther than crossdressing. Thus we have a group of crossdressers who have a strong fem side or self image, but have no desire to actually become women----There is some speculation that non homosexual TSs may also be what are called "autogynophyles"(AGs)----(greek--Self/woman/ love) who love the woman in themselves--a kind of "super hetrosexuality that turns on itself---AGs WILL often pursue SRS, but typically later in life.-----Personally I think that AG is different from non-homosexual TS----

I have not read enough accounts or heard enough from Fem sider CDs to really be sure about all this quite yet---That is, a fem sider CD is really a different kind of TS.---Perhaps some fem sider CDs may have comments for me as to the possibility to this approach.

[Sharon]

Alice explains the difference between crossdressing and transsexuality perfectly in my opinion.

Wanting to "dress as a woman 100% of the time," is quite a bit different than believing you are a woman living in an inappropriate body, but all I have to judge you by are the words with which you chose to describe yourself.

Not all transsexuals have sex-reassignment surgery, but you should ask yourself why you don't have any desire for it. Is it because of family/social/economic/employment/whatever reasons, or is it because you enjoy the role you play as a man or simply because you enjoy having a penis? This could differentiate you as either CD or TS.

Anyway, short of just a desire to learn what category you exist in, what really matters is that you are happy with your life,

[Eva Marie]

Amber, it's healthy to seek counsel as you have here and you've received some worthwhile responses. My partner and I have followed a path similar to yours so we know you've encountered some resistance from "both sides of the fence", so to speak. We've experienced the swinging lifestyle and know there are those who aren't accepting (allegedly) of anything except male hetrosexuality (females can do whatever they please).

Because you've "been there and done that", and enjoy your life, my advice would be to set your own course; read the advice here and take it for whatever it's worth, but live your own life. When the times arrive that you feel a need to modify your lifestyle you'll know what to do next.

[melissaK]

Well, Amber82 you seem pretty self aware. You also explain the classic problem: if no one else cared, you'd cross-dress full time, but you think everyone else does care and you fear their opinions and shunning, or you yourself have some deep seated moral attitude that what you are doing is not morally acceptable.

While we are all similar here, we all differ. You can read post after post debating what is a TS/TG/CD etc. Each of us finds our own label in our own way, and we find our own way through this. Some just CD, some do hormones, some seek SRS, some move through all like they were stages. In that, Eva Marie's advice that you should be yourself is pretty good.

And IMHO, if you feel this way in your 20's, be prepared for it to continue for the rest of your life. To ebb and flow, with the flows getting stronger over time.

You get what anyone gets, you get a lifetime.

hugs'
'lissa

[Calliope]

[...] I guess this could in some peoples eyes be called an identity crisis, lol. I know the fact that I like women too means im not 100% homosexual but im definitely bisexual. How is the line drawn between me being just a crossdresser and a transsexual? Are most crossdressers gay, bi, or straight? If I could dress as a woman 100% of the time without all the people I know changing their feelings about me I would. [...] I can say that I have no desire to have any type of operations which i guess means im not fully transsexual but I guess the main reason for me posting so much stuff about me is hoping some of you can take a look at all of my feelings and things Ive posted and give me some insight here into what is normal, what is not, and maybe you can see something about my personality that will tell you something more about me to help me.

Amber, in my opinion, since you and your swinging wife are having a jolly time , DO NOT get sucked into the world of head shrinkers! Are you "this" or "that"? A "real" such-and-such? Could change by the minute! As I see it, you're transgendered bi, makes sense to me, and getting into all the definitions might be the slippery slope to identity politic hierarchies better avoided.
:bonk:

[Amber82]

Amber, in my opinion, since you and your swinging wife are having a jolly time , DO NOT get sucked into the world of head shrinkers! Are you "this" or "that"? A "real" such-and-such? Could change by the minute! As I see it, you're transgendered bi, makes sense to me, and getting into all the definitions might be the slippery slope to identity politic hierarchies better avoided.
:bonk:

yeah thats what im beginning to think too, its just so much of this world is made about being "proper" and "definitions" lol, so yeah, everything you and these other people said makes perfect sense. Thanks everyone

Amber

[AmberTG]

I think that one of the biggest problems with modern society, at this point, is that it's still a binary society, male and female. There doesn't seem to be a place for those in-between, people are identified as one or the other. Even those with physical intersex birth defects (parts of both, all of neither) have to choose to identify as one or the other in order to function "normally" in society. That subject, by itself, can fill a book. My therapist and I were discussing where I feel I fit into society at this point at my last appointment and the binary society issue came up.
A fair amount of us tend to fit into the"neither" catagory, mentally.

[tall_brianna]

If I could dress as a woman 100% of the time without all the people I know changing their feelings about me I would.

This would make a good poll question. I wonder what's the difference, if there is one, between someone who would dress 100% and one who would not. All external factors aside.

[Kimberley]

Alice explains the difference between crossdressing and transsexuality perfectly in my opinion.

Wanting to "dress as a woman 100% of the time," is quite a bit different than believing you are a woman living in an inappropriate body, but all I have to judge you by are the words with which you chose to describe yourself.

Not all transsexuals have sex-reassignment surgery, but you should ask yourself why you don't have any desire for it. Is it because of family/social/economic/employment/whatever reasons, or is it because you enjoy the role you play as a man or simply because you enjoy having a penis? This could differentiate you as either CD or TS.

Anyway, short of just a desire to learn what category you exist in, what really matters is that you are happy with your life,
*******************
I agree with Sharon here. I made the conscious decision to not transition due to familial social economic etc needs. This doesnt make it the wrong decision but it is a tough one to live with because as long as it remains, there is no relief from the GID.

If things were to change, I would pursue SRS but for now it isnt in the cards.

Being TG/TS one just knows that things are misaligned. There is no real guesswork to it, although other issues may obscure those feelings. Sometimes these people are "latent TS". For my part, I have always known it was all wrong and did have a suicide attempt a few years back. I still have the GID and serious depression but at least I am alive. Much of the thanks for that goes to people on these forums who helped me understand and accept myself.

Anyway, if you are having dysphoria over this then see a therapist experienced in gender issues. Do yourself a favour though, interview the therapist first because not all are nuetral and that is what is necessary.

:hugs:
Kimberley

[valery]

that's a very intersting topic and a difficult thing to deal with for me

I'm also a new member here, and please don't judge me to hard if something sounds curious - I'm not a native speaker.

It took me really a few months by reading hundreds of articles on the web trying to figure it out at a time when i asked myself the same question.
I've found so many contradictory statements that I(am) was absolutely confused in the end. There are so many overlapping definitions.

the best summarization of most of the things you can find is done by Marina Twelve, thanks for that.


The Trannsexual/fem-sider question sort of puzzles me at the moment. About half half the CDs appear to be fem-siders, but are not, so they say, actual "transsexuals", as we and the general public think of TS.

The Non-homosexual transsexuals,(the hetro and bi,) may go no farther than crossdressing. Thus we have a group of crossdressers who have a strong fem side or self image, but have no desire to actually become women----There is some speculation that non homosexual TSs may also be what are called "autogynophyles"(AGs)----(greek--Self/woman/ love) who love the woman in themselves--a kind of "super hetrosexuality that turns on itself---AGs WILL often pursue SRS, but typically later in life.-----Personally I think that AG is different from non-homosexual TS----

I have not read enough accounts or heard enough from Fem sider CDs to really be sure about all this quite yet---That is, a fem sider CD is really a different kind of TS.---Perhaps some fem sider CDs may have comments for me as to the possibility to this approach.


I wouldn't say that I'm not a transsexual, but I don't really know if I am. I would say I am although I don't fit to any of all those definitions.

So may i ask another question to that topic?

What is with the once in between (cross-gender I read somewhere)? I can't identify as male or female. I Love my female side (Autogynephilia), I love girls but I wouldn't rule out other possibilities if the right one (he/her/inbetween) would turns up.
I don't wanna have a surgery (no SRS), scary for me, but I would like to have breasts if social and public acceptance would be better.
I don't have this feeling being born in the wrong body in the way people who pursue SRS - but I'm doing a therapy because I don't feel good the way I am.

So what am I? Where do I belong to?

[tall_brianna]

What is with the once in between (cross-gender I read somewhere)? I can't identify as male or female. I Love my female side (Autogynephilia), I love girls but I wouldn't rule out other possibilities if the right one (he/her/inbetween) would turns up.
I don't wanna have a surgery (no SRS), scary for me, but I would like to have breasts if social and public acceptance would be better.
I don't have this feeling being born in the wrong body in the way people who pursue SRS - but I'm doing a therapy because I don't feel good the way I am.

So what am I? Where do I belong to?

I made almost that same statement and asked my therapist the same two questions. Of course she just replied with a question :rolleyes:

I can't answer your questions - you have to discover them for yourself. Pick your label if you must, but don't let it make you who you are. I can tell you that you are most certainly not alone

-b