(She's) Not The Man I Married

[DonnaT]

Scroll down and click on the arrow beside the title
"Not The Man I Married"
http://www.podshow.com/music/?artist_id=4750

[Wendy me]

lol you think she is nonsupporting ????.....

[Sheri 4242]

:lol2:

Okay, okay -- cute, funny, humorous . . .

BUT . . . as good a chuckle as the song gives, there's a stereotyping within that song!!! " . . . a gay transvestite . . . "

We may never know, but was that written with or without the knowledge that most transvestites (since that's the word she uses) are heterosexual???

Personally, that song could have become our international anthem sans that one word!

Oh well -- accepting it with a sense of humor!

ADDITIONAL: The singer (and songwriter) Shelley Buffit is the one who recorded that song. IRONY RUN AMUCK: In May 2000, the Ontario Country Music Association, nominated Shelly Buffit for “CD of The Year." (Yes, I know - I know: they mean a Compact Disc -- but there's some irony in there somewhere!!!!)

Sheri

[KimberlyS]

....you think she is nonsupporting ????.....

I would say that she is bitter and non-supporting. And I would also say she needs some education that all CD/TV's are not gay. Or her hubby came out gay and left her for a guy. And if that is that case my guess that would be a double whammy for many wifes. #1 Being left for someone else. #2 Someone of the opposite sex. I would be interested in SO's comments on the double whammy. And the reverse would apply in a same sex relationship.

[DonnaT]

She told Helen Boyd it was written for a friend of a friend, when her husband had come out to her as a CD, so she wrote this to try to get the woman to laugh a little, at least.

[kmorgan]

Excellent! That's very cool, I'm still laughing.

[KimberlyS]

She told Helen Boyd it was written for a friend of a friend, when her husband had come out to her as a CD, so she wrote this to try to get the woman to laugh a little, at least.

I hope it worked. There are a lot of SO's of CDers that need friends to help them through it.

[RobertaFermina]

I think she could interpret it with more character/drama if she was playing for a laugh.

:rose: Roberta :rose:

[Rachel Morley]

It's ok I guess, but I get tired of hearing the same old stuff over and over again ... namely, it's still talking about the same old wrong assumptions that if you wear woman's clothes you must be a gay transvestite. This is even the chorus line in this song.

I know... I know .... I just wish things would be different, but I guess it's the same the world over, we all like to "pigeon hole people" and "put them in a box" :( I must not be in a a hppy fun mood this morning (yet).

[Sheri 4242]

. . . I get tired of hearing the same old stuff over and over again . . . it's still talking about the same old wrong assumptions that if you wear woman's clothes you must be a gay transvestite.

Exactly, Rachel -- ditto that!!!

Actually, it "could" have been a truly humorous song, save perpetuating the "crossdresses so must be gay" line!!!

??????? H'mmmm -- since she is a major songwriter for other singers (in addition to her being a singer, EMT, newscaster, and whatever else she does) wonder if she could be talked into a revision -- same baic song, but take out "gay."

[Jenna Lynne]

It's ok I guess, but I get tired of hearing the same old stuff over and over again ... namely, it's still talking about the same old wrong assumptions that if you wear woman's clothes you must be a gay transvestite.
I have a serious question to ask. I know I'll probably get flamed for this, but ... what's wrong with being a gay transvestite?

No, I'll put it another way: Why are so many CDers so eager to jump on the bandwagon and participate in mainstream homophobia?

Is it so hard to understand that there's nothing wrong with being gay? Is it so hard to understand that gay people -- and, yes, even gay transvestites -- need your support and understanding? Is it so hard to understand that gay people need and deserve the support of the crossdressing community? Why is it necessary to ooze away from the word "gay" as if it's some sort of nasty infection?

I'm sorry to be so blunt, but this really, really bothers me. I wish CDers who are accused of being gay would be adult enough to just shrug and say, "Well, what would be wrong with that?"

***Jenna***:(

[Sheri 4242]

I have a serious question to ask . . . what's wrong with being a gay transvestite?

No, I'll put it another way: Why are so many CDers so eager to jump on the bandwagon and participate in mainstream homophobia?

Is it so hard to understand that there's nothing wrong with being gay? Is it so hard to understand that gay people -- and, yes, even gay transvestites -- need your support and understanding? I'm sorry to be so blunt, but this really, really bothers me. I wish CDers who are accused of being gay would be adult enough to just shrug and say, "Well, what would be wrong with that?"

Jenna,

No, you're not going to get blasted, at least not by me, for asking a very legitimate question.

Answer "a" is that, sure there are gay CDers.

Answer "b," which is at the heart of what I think you are asking, is that MANY of us have had to live with the "piublic stereotyping" that if a man wears a dress (skirt, whatever -- IOW, if a man CD's) he MUST be gay. You cannot begin to believe how prevelant that stereotype is!!! Yet, the truth is, there is something called "mtf heterosexual CDing" and the majority of men who CD are in this category -- this is even supported by "the" leading general medicine and psychological survey texts and reference texts!!!

IMHO, I don't think you'll find too many "homophobic" people in our community at all -- in fact, many of us have often turned to gay nightclubs (etc) as places we can go. It has been shown, though, that mtf heterosexual CDers are more accepting of gay than gays are of us!!! I know that is very generalized, but several studies suggest it is valid fo whatever strange twist in logic.

So, in the main, I think you may have picked up on someone phrasing something poorly, or you may perceive something incorrectly -- it is just that "we" have had to live with this assumption -- and as an incorrect stereotype, it continues to have a life of its own. Let me give you one thought about it -- a question that plagues many a GG who struggles to accept her husband's CDing is, gee, is he gay -- he says he's not, but . . . "

But that more people would understand that gay men are, for the incredible most part, attracted to MEN, not men emulating women!!!

Glad you asked -- we need to be able to exchange our differing thoughts openly. I hope I helped you with, if nothing else, my take on the question you raised!!!

Sheri

[CaptLex]

Why are so many CDers so eager to jump on the bandwagon and participate in mainstream homophobia?

Is it so hard to understand that there's nothing wrong with being gay? Is it so hard to understand that gay people -- and, yes, even gay transvestites -- need your support and understanding? Is it so hard to understand that gay people need and deserve the support of the crossdressing community? Why is it necessary to ooze away from the word "gay" as if it's some sort of nasty infection?

I'm sorry to be so blunt, but this really, really bothers me. I wish CDers who are accused of being gay would be adult enough to just shrug and say, "Well, what would be wrong with that?"
:clap: Amen, sister! I'm so glad someone else said it besides me. I've gotten tired of hearing myself say it, so I'm sure others must be tired of hearing it from me too. I don't understand why people feel the need to quickly clarify that they're hetero CDs, so no one judges them. Who cares? I know I sure don't care who you sleep with. :rolleyes:

[DonnaT]

Note, she's not portraying all TVs as gay, as the song also includes the line "And I haven't stopped shaking, since I heard you say, that you loved someone else and that you're also gay. . .".

Not until this is revealed and near the end of the song does she include "gay transvestite".

[DonnaT]

As Sheri said, many, if not most, of us are not homophobic. I hang out at a gay club sometimes.

Much of the time that there is mention of a problem with the stereotyping it is because folks, like SO's, hear the stereotype and it raises doubt in their mind as to whether or not their boyfriend or husband is gay.

My wife had no problem with my dressing 30+ years ago, until she looked up the definition of 'transvestite' in a dictionary. It linked being a TV with being homosexual. Then she all of a sudden had a problem with it.

[Bonnie D]

I label myself as a gay crossdresser since I will not be transitioning. At least I don't think so. I would if I won a large amount in a lottery. Then I would be a heterosexual woman. Ok, post-op mtf TS hetero.

I told my SO that the majority of CDs are hetero. She was surprised by that fact. I said that I am in a minority within a minority.

She seems to be dealing with the gay part better than the CDing. She asked if I could stop the dressing and just be gay. I told her I couldn't.

Bonnie

[Jenna Lynne]

I don't understand why people feel the need to quickly clarify that they're hetero CDs, so no one judges them.
I used to say exactly the same thing to people, if the subject came up. And to myself!!! "Well, I'm definitely not gay. I've never had sex with a man, don't want to, blah blah blah."

The truth is, a lot of the reason I distanced myself from crossdressing was because I was a flaming homophobe. I was *terrified* of the possibility that I might be gay, or that people might think I was. So I think maybe I understand where other CDers are coming from when they say (in a deep, manly voice), "I'm not gay."

For me, an important part of accepting myself is accepting that when I'm truly being a girl, I would love to get down and dirty with a guy! But because of my own homophobia, I don't know if I could ever do that. It would be too threatening, and when I feel threatened, my boy-self pops back out (like a really nasty hernia) in order to protect me.

So when other people rush to proclaim that they're not gay, I feel that I'm being demeaned. I'm being turned into a second-class citizen. I think *all* crossdressers suffer enough discrimination as it is! We don't need to go around discriminating against one another too!

***Jenna***

[Brianna Lovely]

So, here I am, a TG person who happens to CD and is Gay.

And I'm attending a picnic, with about sixty Gay men, but I'm dressed semi-fem.

So, a man I've know for three years, comes up to me, compliments me on my skirt and top, I smile and say thank you.

Then he steps a little closer, and whispers, "All this time, I thought you where gay, and here you are, one of those cross-dressers, I never knew you were straight."

Seems to me, that all the girls shouting of "I'm Straight, and I'm a CD", has given me a bad name, giggle.

[Marla S]

:clap: Amen, sister! I'm so glad someone else said it besides me. I've gotten tired of hearing myself say it, so I'm sure others must be tired of hearing it from me too. I don't understand why people feel the need to quickly clarify that they're hetero CDs, so no one judges them. Who cares? I know I sure don't care who you sleep with. :rolleyes:
Jenna and CaptLex, you are absolutely right.

I admit though I have problems with mixing CDing (TG in general) with homosexuality myself.

This is for one reason:
I think, and I experienced it, people stop thinking, you get boxed, gay is an easy explanation for everything for the people: Ahh gay, I understand.

I feel terribly misunderstood then, without a chance to make the people listen again.

To be seen gay is not the problem (sometimes even think it would be better to be, to feel partly understood), problem is that they stop to see me (probably this would hold true, if I would be gay)

Getting the "gay" is like a mental door is looked before it was even opened ... key thrown away.

That's why I always would insist to keep things separated. Not as a valuation, but because it is primary the social repression that TG and gay folks have in common IMO.

[Ruth]

I know it sounds very liberal to say "It doesn't matter if people think you're gay" but to me it matters because it's my identity we're talking about. I see nothing wrong in gay sexuality, but since I'm not gay it feels wrong to me that people would just assume I was gay because of some other behaviour.
It's hard to put this across without sounding homophobic but that's just one of the knots we've got ourselves into with today's political correctness.

[KimberlyS]

Jenna, you are not going to get blasted from me either. There is nothing wrong with being a Gay TV in my opinion. If my wife was answering this you would have a very different answer.

This is my answer and I am sure others is very different. In my journey of personal acceptance of being a CDer I have become a very much more accepting person of others and their differences. And for me accepting gays as people also was almost as hard as accepting myself as a CDer.

See, I grew up in an age and a home where being gay was very wrong and very against the bible. Religion and the church said being gay was wrong and a sin. Gay people were low life. My family, friends, television all talked bad about gays. And to me, it was a well know fact that gays were soft and often had feminine traits and characteristics. My limited exposure to guys that wore female clothes were comedians making a joke out of it and gay drag queens. Growing up around home, friends, and family there was nothing good said about being a gay male or female. Gays were just wrong, sexual perverts, who became dirty old men. Some of who abused kids and worse.

Then there was me. I was a male and I enjoyed doing male things. But I also liked to do female things. I dressed in female clothes a few times and enjoyed it when I did. And unlike many CDers when I did dress it was not sexual at all. And I was small for a male with smaller feet, hands and other features. And I had a higher pitched voice than most guys. Take the picture that society was painting of being gay, it was me except for the fact I liked girls and had no attraction to guys.

I struggled with this until after my mid thirty's when comes the internet. Initial research just continued to confirm what I always knew. Guys who wore female clothes were gay and often perverts and dirty old men, among other things. Even the information I found about being trans-gendered was confusing. Then I came across the term cross dresser and then some web sites with some limited information. This was the start of my personal acceptance of my CDing and being trans-gendered. And realization that being gay/lesbian was just a different point within the trans-gender spectrum. The gay and lesbians were brothers and sisters.

So Yes at times I do relapse and say that I am not gay. But most of the time, at least I hope, I say that I am hetro. Because to me since being gay/lesbian is a mainstream thing in that being hetro or gay is just another attribute of who we are. I am a 40 something, married, w/ kids, nerd, cd, hetro, male, living in central USA.

So not all of us are using the fact that we are hetro, or not gay, as a bad thing. But yes I am a recovering homophobic and I live with a very anti-gay wife.

Please forgive any of my slip-ups.

[CaptLex]

I know it sounds very liberal to say "It doesn't matter if people think you're gay" but to me it matters because it's my identity we're talking about.
I understand what you're saying 'cause people have always assumed that I'm a lesbian because I wear masculine attire - and I still get called a lesbian even though I have facial hair now and, of course, I'll correct people that assume I am one. I also correct people who assume that because I'm male now, I must have girly pin-ups on my bedroom wall.

If people make the wrong assumptions about you, whether it's about your sexuality or anything else, you're perfectly right to correct them. My beef is with people who have to make sure everyone knows it right off the bat - then it sounds as if they're being defensive, not just informative. It's as if they're saying, "I'm a crossdresser, but don't worry, I'm not one of those kind of guys." I'm not interested in what sounds liberal or politically correct, but feeling the need to make that distinction sounds very homophobic to me.

[janelle]

Sounds like my wife. The only thing different is she has not kicked me out .......YET.

[Julia Welch]

Well I'm a straight guy who happens to like wearing womens clothes....in fact I adore it....

I've never had a homosexual thought about another man nor I doubt will I ever....I love women, I find them alluring.

But's that's just me.

[Wenda]

I have a number of gay friends, but although they seem very comfortable with me, I doubt they know I dress. I tell friends that I swim in the shallow end of the transgender pool. I have been approached by male gays, but it is just not my thing. What others do, if it doesn't harm anyone else, is not my concern. wenda.

[Rachel Morley]

what's wrong with being a gay transvestite?

I'm sorry to be so blunt, but this really, really bothers me. I wish CDers who are accused of being gay would be adult enough to just shrug and say, "Well, what would be wrong with that?


I don't understand why people feel the need to quickly clarify that they're hetero CDs, so no one judges them. Who cares? I know I sure don't care who you sleep with. :rolleyes:

Please let me clarify my post. I am not in the least bit homophobic I assure you. Almost all my whole social life happens in gay venues, I have gay friends, and I think the awesome accepting vibe I experience in these settings (especially at the two gay Prides I have been to this year) are fantastic and believe me or not, I don't care what people truly think about me (you should see some of the things I wear in boy mode, people always jump to the wrong conclusions) but when I am en femme I just want to understand why people in mainstream "non TG educated society" and even in the gay community always think I'm gay, and I always have to answer their questions or give them an explanation. Only last weekend I had to explain to a drag queen of the court (because she asked) the difference between a crossdresser and a transsexual and that it is entirely possible that neither of them may be gay. I just sometimes wish there was more understanding of the complexities of crossdressing.

Also, I think I'll stop posting first thing in the morning when I'm feeling miserable before going to work!

[janet1234]

I'm with Julia, I consider myself a horny heterosexual, I love women, I love to CD, don't believe I am at all gay, have nothing against any other variants, but love to CD.

[Roxi Loh]

I think we have finally arrived as a community and political force when we have a bad country song written about our lifestyle. The song is so bad on so many levels, but I love the fact that it misses any point. I am going to have to listen to this one for a while to totally flush out my feelings...

[erickka]

Maybe he/she (whoever wrote it) is one of those people who label without knowing, that actually over 2/3 of all (I use this term as all uneducated folks do) TRANSVESTITES are HETEROSEXUAL. I am glad that almost everyone on this forum (GG'S included) are open minded and non judgemental .

[MsJanessa]

I'm a Bi TG---love both men and women---but My favorites are other T-Girls--and Jenna Lynne and Brianna- if you ever get to Maine be sure to give Me a call---I would love to meet both of you.---That said to get back to the main topic of this thread after listening to the song it is apparent that whoever wrote/performed it has a very poisoned and bitterview towards Us--it is not an anthem for tolerence but for disdain and hate----I guess I won't be buying the CD--pun intended

[Chace]

All i can say is that singer will never get my support.I found the song so terribly wrong .Ya because of the sterotypeing she is adding to the general public...well all i will say is this is one canadian that wont be supporting her. Sounds like shes knows nothing about real ppl no doubt she wrote down the words after watching the rocky horror picture show..gee whiz...