A question or two (should I tell CD friend I know?)

[Felixi]

I am not a person who participates in the activities which is the central topic of these forums. I’m not judgmental of those who do either. I do have a lifetime friend who is a “closet cross-dresser”. We found out about it by accident one day when he left his computer on and it had some pictures of him on a website. According to his profile, he has been doing this since childhood (35 years). He has met with others of like tastes and participated in some fun (erotic) activities with others of like mind. It doesn’t really bother me. It must be sensitive to him or he would have not been so secretive about it all his life.

Question 1: Should I tell him that I know? Or just act like I always have, believing he is just one of the guys?

Question 2: Is this an acquired fetish or one that came with birth?


I just do not want my friend to feel like a hypocrite around me.

[Toyah]

I am not sure that tou should tell him outright he may see it as snooping or betrayal. I guess you could lead the conversation that way some time when just you two are together and see what he says.

As for the second part it would be impossable to say without knowing him.

[Wenda]

Reading a computer that is left on is like reading someone's diary, it is an invasion of privacy.
I think your options are:
a) apologize and confess that you inadvertantly came across his computer, etc. If you truly have no problem with it, then make that clear, and then open the door for discussion, as a friend. Sorry, it sounds like you (we??) read more than was on the screen at the time. If you scrolled down or opened a new page, you are guilty of invading his privacy. If you value him as a friend, beg forgiveness. Show support. He is not the hypocrite here.
b) This is not a learned or aquired taste. It is who we are. At diffrent levels, we admire and enjoy women's clothing, fashions, undergarments, breasts, etc. If he has been doing it for years, this is who he IS. It is not a social experiment. wenda.

[Marcie Sexton]

1. some times less is more...let him broach the subject if and when he chooses to...

2. I think that there are some gentic pre dispositions that lend credence to the fact that we choose to live all or part of our lives as a female...

[sandra-leigh]

I do have a lifetime friend who is a ?closet cross-dresser?. We found out about it by accident one day when he left his computer on and it had some pictures of him on a website. According to his profile, he has been doing this since childhood (35 years).[...]
Question 1: Should I tell him that I know? Or just act like I always have, believing he is just one of the guys?
Question 2: Is this an acquired fetish or one that came with birth?


To answer the second question first: no-one really knows why or how it happens, but there is a fair bit of evidence that for the majority, the tendancy to cross-dress is one that one is born with. There is scientific evidence linked to birth or genetic factors, but at the same time there are people who dedicate their life to the proposition that it is a "chosen" behaviour or to the proposition that it can be "cured". Oddly, most of the people who believe those also tend to believe that it should be "cured" ("It's unnatural and immoral, and it goes against the teachings of the Bible! Surely they shall be doomed to an afterlife in Hell if they do not repent!"). You may notice a similarity to the history of homosexuality in modern culture.

If your friend has been doing this "since childhood", you can be relatively certain that it is not a "fetish" for your friend, but rather a strong inner need that may have erotic associations but would probably persist even without the eroticism.

With regards to the first question, about telling him that you know: you have the difficultly that you went snooping on his computer, which in most cases would be considered an unjustified invasion of privacy. You didn't just accidently see the page: you went and looked at the profile. If your friend didn't intend for that to happen, he could potentially be fairly upset about the breech of trust.

I don't know quite what to recommend. How do you want your relationship with your friend to change? Do you just want him to know that you accept him, or do you want him to feel comfortable cross-dressing in front of you, or do you want to be able to talk to him about the crossdressing, or ... ?

[trannie T]

You sound like you are a true friend, you seem to be genuinely concerned about your friend and are sensetive to his feelings. He is never going to tell you about his secret life unless you tell him you are aware of it. I would tell him that you saw his computer entries and thought he looked good. If you do have the talk it would be interesting to see posts by the two of you on how it goes.

[sami1952]

I would let him know he is and will be always a friend no matter what,thats is what friends are, let him approach you about his cding,don't mention or make hints that you know,it might scare him a little.in time he might let people know about it and that just my opinon.

[Paula Roush]

I wood let her tell you when she is ready.

:hugs:

[sterling12]

Leave it alone! I know you would love to talk about it, but the odds are against you. If you and your friend have a friendship, relationship, or whatever, with him as a guy, leave it alone. That's the way he wants to keep it for right now. If he wanted you to know, he would tell you!

Just imagine, that you have a secret in your life, (And, just about everybody does.) Now do you think you would desire to have one of your friends find out and then confront you with it? I hope you see my point.

To be CD often means living a life in secret, maybe not by choice, but it's usually reality. Want to lose his friendship....you could make that happen.

Peace and Love, Joanie

[Felixi]

The computer was in his office cubicle, open to all who pass by and it was on and left at the web site that revealed the information. After some of us (those who consider him a friend), we thought it would be in his best interest to close the website and return the computer to the desktop. No intentional snooping, also the fact that we (there were 3 of us) agreed to not disclose the contents of the discovery. If this is an invasion of privacy, it was unintentional. I am thankful it was we who found it and not some of the bigots who work there.

Why he would wander off and leave the computer open to that particular site baffles us unless there is some repressed desire to be discovered. But this is only speculation.

Another thing that puzzles us (3 friends), is his overt rants against a gay lifestyle. It puzzles us. It is almost like there is 2 personalities in one body. It is now known to us that he has had discreet rendezvous’ with other men dressed as women and at least some adult play was involved.

Others lifestyles has never been a problem with me. I neither rant or praise the gay lifestyle. Why does he, and then secretly become an actor in the deed?

[Felixi]

Your opinions and advice as to how to deal with my friend is appreciated. I think that we all want the best for all our friends. I shall act as though nothing has ever been revealed. If at some time in the future, he decides to "come out of the closet", it will be of his own choosing.

[Cynthia_0101]

In my opinion on one level or another he wants to get found out.

At my old job I checked my email but that was it, plus he must have noticed that the page was closed when he got back.

I would suggest that you noticed the page and closed if for him but don't go into details.

Might be his way of trying to let someone know.

Just my 2 cents

[sandra-leigh]

Another thing that puzzles us (3 friends), is his overt rants against a gay lifestyle. It puzzles us. It is almost like there is 2 personalities in one body. It is now known to us that he has had discreet rendezvous' with other men dressed as women and at least some adult play was involved.


Two possibilities: "protective colouration", or a sense of deep shame. If it is protective colouration, then in theory finding a way to let him know he could drop the cover could end up helping him a lot. But if it isn't a cover, if he feels that what he is doing is wrong but is "overcome" by the urge to do it anyhow, then you would have to tread very very carefully to avoid ruining your friendship.

[Kate Simmons]

I totally agree with Marcie on this one.:happy:

[Stlalice]

The computer was in his office cubicle, open to all who pass by and it was on and left at the web site that revealed the information. After some of us (those who consider him a friend), we thought it would be in his best interest to close the website and return the computer to the desktop. No intentional snooping, also the fact that we (there were 3 of us) agreed to not disclose the contents of the discovery. If this is an invasion of privacy, it was unintentional. I am thankful it was we who found it and not some of the bigots who work there.

Why he would wander off and leave the computer open to that particular site baffles us unless there is some repressed desire to be discovered. But this is only speculation.

Another thing that puzzles us (3 friends), is his overt rants against a gay lifestyle. It puzzles us. It is almost like there is 2 personalities in one body. It is now known to us that he has had discreet rendezvous’ with other men dressed as women and at least some adult play was involved.

Others lifestyles has never been a problem with me. I neither rant or praise the gay lifestyle. Why does he, and then secretly become an actor in the deed?

Where your friends views on a "gay" lifestyle are concerned it is important to remember a couple of points - first, the majority of CD's are straight hetero males with a feminine side to their personality that they feel a need to express from time to time. Because someone CD's it is not an indicator that they are gay. While that is a possibility so is a bisexual orientation - There are some who say that they are "bi when dressed". There is also a large fear/shame factor for many closeted CD's. Second, it is well known in the LGBT community that some of the loudest critics are themselves gay/bi and either won't or can't admit such to themselves let alone anyone else. Frankly there is no way to bring the matter up with your friend without possibly freaking him out. My recomendation would be to respect his personal privacy and let him be the judge of when or if he brings the subject up and "comes out". If by some chance he is "outed" involuntarily then you can be a true friend and show your support by letting him know he is your friend regardless and that you won't stand for his being harassed in any way at work. Thus endeth the sermon. :2c:

[Julia Welch]

You could always try to bring the subject of crossdressing up and let your friend know you see nothing wrong in it and it would be OK with you....if of course it was.

He may out himself to you....not immediately maybe...but he'll give it some thought I'm sure.

I know I would if I were him.

[marisa]

I don't know if this will help or not but i can agree with some about not saying anything and just letting him come out on his own. but maby if you wait untill around late september and maby make mention that your thinking about getting all dolled up in fem for halloween and see if he would do the same and see what the reaction is. it could be a chance for a good heart to heart chat. And second, i have no doubt that to some cd'ing is just a fetish. i can't speak for anyone here but myself but i have been dressing since about age 7ish. this is very much a part of who i am. i am only out to a very few people for now. I don't know if any of this helps or not but i'm just trying to help. Marisa

[Tasha T]

I don't think I would bring it up right away, but if an opportunity arises and it's in an appropriate context I might drop some hints and see what his reaction is. If he's ready to open up then fine, but if not then don't force the issue. Crossdressing is such a private issue to closeted people that to have your secret revealed when you least expect could cause quite a shock and who knows what kind of negative reaction.

[Megan_Girl]

Gay rants aside...

Ask yourself this; can the three of you guarantee that you'll never let this slip out? If your honest; the answer may truly be no. Be real people are people... If it gets out in the wrong place at the wrong time it could lead to serious wreckage and standing damage.

So, if you are a true friend you need to tell the truth. Explain what you know, how you know and how you feel about it. Real friends help each other, respect each other and real friends watch each others back!

If his secret gets out, he finds out you knew and maybe you could have done something to help or could have watched his back.....then what?

Real friends tell each other the tough stuff. :2c:

Good Luck!

XXX
Megan

[Oddlee]

Filixi,

What a dilemma. Assuming your friend leaving his computer at this site is not an attempt to come out, he should at least be warned to be more careful. Given IT's ability to monitor work computers and websites, he should probably not be visiting personal sites in any case.

Beyond that, I have come out to one friend, a gg whom I have known for about 8 years. She, as I suspected, was very accepting. I am considering coming out to my best friend - a guy I've known since college days. If he came to me at this point and asked me directly if I cross-dressed, I would tell him about it.

So, I don't have advice, but have to say that your friend needs to be warned about sites he visits at work,at the very least, and that this would be a good opportunity to say you accidentally saw a picture and that it makes absolutely no difference to you in terms of your friendship.

Lee

[Kathleengurl]

Not sure what the 'personal internet browsing policy" is where all of you work. A great many have close to zero tolerance.

If he's unaware, then the friend you are might re-aquaint him with the rules for his own consideration.

My 2c:

"Hey man, you need to be more careful about what's on the screen when you leave your desk. Not everyone will be as cool as some of us. We cared enough to close it for you."

As in don't address the content. He'll do that when he's ready. But he'll know you know and that you're cool with it. Any further distance traveled down that road will be of his choosing.

V/R -k-

[Felixi]

Where your friends views on a "gay" lifestyle are concerned it is important to remember a couple of points - first, the majority of CD's are straight hetero males with a feminine side to their personality that they feel a need to express from time to time. Because someone CD's it is not an indicator that they are gay. While that is a possibility so is a bisexual orientation - There are some who say that they are "bi when dressed". There is also a large fear/shame factor for many closeted CD's.

I probably would agree with you on this. I would have to conclude that as far as my CD friend is concerened, he would have to be bi-while-dressed, since it was indicated on the web page that an erotic encounter had taken place with a couple of other CD's and my friend.

[KandisTX]

Felixi,

I would follow the suggestion of others where they have said "Hey, you need to be more careful about what's on your monitor when you leave your desk". Let him know you closed the page, but do NOT discuss the contents. If she wants to discuss it with you, then you should be there to listen to what is being said.

Kandis:love:

[Lady Jayne]

The computer was in his office cubicle, open to all who pass by and it was on and left at the web site that revealed the information. After some of us (those who consider him a friend), we thought it would be in his best interest to close the website and return the computer to the desktop. No intentional snooping, also the fact that we (there were 3 of us) agreed to not disclose the contents of the discovery. If this is an invasion of privacy, it was unintentional. I am thankful it was we who found it and not some of the bigots who work there.



As a friend, and you sound like you are a good friend. He needs to be warned to be more discreete/carefull, you are right this could be disasterouse if it got out to the wrong people. The difficulty is that however you try to broach the subject he is going to go into panic mode
and possibly even get defensive to the point where he won't even realise that you are fine with it.

What I would do is write him a letter (not E-mail) explaining that you found his computer on and closed it for him so nobody else could stumble on it. then explain that you don't have a problem with it and you still value his friendship, I wouldn't go into details about looking at the pictures ect but I would say your there for him if he wants to talk.

Hand him the letter as he is leaving work one day thay way he has time to read it and digest what you are saying before he has to face you again.
He may not mention it or may try to say he just found the site accidently either way he knows you know and are ok with it and the ball is then in his court if he feels he wants to talk about it.
Other than that try to behave as if it never happend the next time you are together.
Hope things work out
what ever you decide it's a shame there aren't more people in the world like you.

[cutbait]

i also would have to aggree with those who said "i closed your internet"...

as for teh rants... i feel that there are a few ideas on this...

it's a cover to pitch the sent off.. look at my feet while i punch you...

he feels shame and looking for a way to out him self. (not to likely.. been doing this for as long...)

i my self have had friends for years to "find" my items and there was no question as to whose thay were when the GG refused ownership. thankfully that was not the end of all my friendships, but at the same time it told me who was truley on my side.

that is the shor answer from me... it's midnight for me so g'luck, and g'night.

[BarbaraTalbot]

I agree that any anti-gay remarks are inconsistant for a crossdresser even if he is straight. In GLBT often lumped together (Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, and Transgendered) we are kind of the odd 'man' out as through self-reporting it is found that the majority of CD's identify as being attracted primarily or only to the opposite of their biological gender. Because the same setof bigots (usually) will go after all of the above, we getlumped in there.

If your friend is making these remarks either because he has some latent homosexual feelings and is trying desperately to deny them even to himself, this is sad but probably not uncommon,as the orientation issue is the same to deal with for a guy in a dress just as a guy in pants and a muscle shirt.

I think it is likely that he has had lifelong problems with people picking up on some of his innate feminine traits and teasing him in a way that implies (or states) that he is gay. Such was the case for me. I was slender and short, and got that all the time. I think the reason I didn't backlash against gays myself (other than a general anti-bigot upbringing) was that one, I knew protesting too much would be as much as fueling the fire, and two, I wasn't really sure (but feared) what a gay person felt like inside and was afraid maybe people were right. I knew I was different, had secrets and that I felt different while dressed. I think I kind of feared the person I was when dressed and suppressed the dressing to avoid looking at orientation. Sadly, I suppressed what I now see as my more open and expressive and caring side, only letting Barbara emerge the last couple of months (at 42), when finally I got an epiphany that gay guys like dudes, not dudes that look like chicks. DUH! Once I got that, I was open to learning and found out a lot more about myself and crossdressers and other transgendered people.

It is entirely possible even with his interest in crossdressing, even participating online (or in person) that he is still muddled in his thinking about who he is and his desires and the differences between gender identity and orientation.

Lastly, because a straight crossdresser is attracted to the female form, it is probably not uncommon for a straight CD to be attracted to and to some extent, experiment with other CD's while still maintaining to themselves that it is not a gay experience.

Oh, and to actually answer the question. I would tell him gently, in a safe from eavesdropping place, where he will then immediately have a chance to get away and alone (since he feels safest alone, sadly). Maybe in the parking lot casually as he is ready to leave. I would simply state that,

"Hey, ________. (insert names of other two that know), and I were walking past your desk and noticed you had left your computer on. I am sorry if in anyway our seeing a page that you obviusly meant to keep private embarrasses you, but we wanted to let you know that it was us that closed the window, so you wouldn't worry some (insert an appropriate expletive) saw it. We all agree it is none of our business, but we did want to say that we care about you and respect you and don;' feel any different about you now."

The reason I say tell him who knows, is because he will go crazy with fear wondering who knows.