Feeling Stuck

[Jenna Lynne]

Long story. I'll try to keep it short. I'd love for someone to suggest a magic solution, but I'd settle for a little sympathy.

After a long, long hiatus, I'm returning to CDing. Excited! But the logistics are much more difficult than they were 20 years ago. Then, I lived alone. Today I live with my 83-year-old mother. I have no desire to share my intimate secrets with her. Even if she was okay with it, I just don't want to be that close to her!

Thought about renting a house, but that's too big a financial commitment. I'm not ready for that yet. So okay, how about a studio apartment? Keep on living with Mom but sneak away a couple of times a week -- tell her I'm visiting friends in the next city over, and may stay overnight. That makes more sense, but it's still a lot of money.

Scouted around a little. Haven't found a place yet. That's why I'm feeling stuck. I want to get on with it!!! The logistics of gender-blending are horrible, horrible, horrible.

I ordered some forms and a wig online. They'll be here in 10 days or so. Not much point in doing any other shopping until I have a place to try things on.

The smaller, less expensive apartments in the town where I live are ... well, some of them are in sections of town where there are lots of young immigrant types. Nothing against them personally ... I'm not anti-immigration. But their cultural values can be pretty macho. Other studio/cottages are really mother-in-law places where the folks in the main house can see you come and go. (Not good.)

I just want to get up in the morning, put on the clothes I feel like wearing, and go on with my day. I don't want to have to wrestle a 500-pound gorilla to the ground in order to be myself.

Okay, I didn't get enough sleep last night. I'm tired and cranky. Think I'll turn off the computer now. Thanks for listening.

***Jenna***

[Cynthia_0101]

Hope you can find a place to be yourself.

Cynthia

[trannie T]

Why not keep your things in a locked container such as a trunk, when you want to go out get a motel room, it's a lot cheaper than renting an apartment.

[Marla S]

Underdressing ?
Unisex like and or more casual fem clothes ?
Little bit of make up and not the full coloration ?
Slowly slipping into a more fem style ?

[dashi30]

I hope you can figure something out...only thing I was thinking was 1) you do have your own room right, can you can put your stuff there? 2) she is very old, when she goes to bed it is early ( I dont know if she has medical you may have to help out with) so you can still dress and go out?

:love:
Kaylee

[Jenna Lynne]

Why not keep your things in a locked container such as a trunk, when you want to go out get a motel room, it's a lot cheaper than renting an apartment.
Have you ever tried to shampoo a wig and then let it dry IN A TRUNK? And, let's see, I'll need to keep an ironing board in the trunk, because things get wrinkled. Okay, maybe just a travel iron. And, hmm, when I want to go out, I'll need a couple of suitcases to carry things from the trunk out to the car so Mom won't see what I'm carrying. And of course there's no room in the house here for a trunk, because the house is stuffed with stuff already, but that's only a detail.

And then, after all that trouble, I'll be ... stuck in a motel room! How depressing.

Somehow the idea of sneaking off to a motel room just feels awful to me. It's like trading one cage for another. For me, a big part of the feeling I want is to feel FREE, not caged.

Maybe it's just that I keep thinking of the old comedy routine where somebody barges into a motel room and finds a guy blowing up an inflatable sex doll. Going to a motel, in my mind anyhow, reduces dressing to some sort of kinky secret obsession that you do and then hide again. I don't care for that feeling at all.

Thanks for helping me articulate my feelings, though. I appreciate it, believe me!

***Jenna***

[Jenna Lynne]

I hope you can figure something out...only thing I was thinking was 1) you do have your own room right, can you can put your stuff there? 2) she is very old, when she goes to bed it is early ( I dont know if she has medical you may have to help out with) so you can still dress and go out?
I've considered that option. Difficulties surface instantly, though.

No, she goes to bed when I do, give or take 15 minutes. I'm not a night person, and I don't drink, so even if there were a trans-friendly bar in my town (there isn't), I wouldn't have anywhere I could go at midnight. Driving around while dressed is something I used to do 25 years ago. It no longer holds any fascination for me.

Besides which, my room is already packed with my ordinary stuff. Besides which, nail polish takes time to dry, and when you take makeup off there are scents left behind. Mom's nose is pretty dead, but not that dead.

At this point in my life, it's not about "stealing an hour or two to dress." It's about having a lifestyle that allows me to be myself. I don't know exactly what shape that lifestyle might or might not have -- so for the present, it's about putting myself in a situation that allows me to *explore* and *discover* what lifestyle might feel right.

I haven't yet been able to figure out how to do that.

And yes, there may be medical or helping-out issues with Mom before too long. I have the impression that her driving skills are slowly deteriorating. If we reach a point where she can't drive -- and that could happen at any time -- then I would need to be available as a chauffer on a pretty regular basis. Even if I were to move into my own place, it would be like, "Oh, Mom needs a ride to bridge club this afternoon, so I have to take off my makeup and nail polish, and probably take a shower to get rid of the perfume." It would be just a huge, huge hassle.

I'd almost rather come out to her and help her deal with it, so I can come and go as I please while living here. But I also have the impression that she is reaching a point in life when new things -- ANY new things -- are stressful for her. If she can't deal with being around Jenna, what would we do then???

***Jenna***

[Rachel Morley]

If you don't want to quote: "reduce dressing to some sort of kinky secret obsession" and also quote: "It's about having a lifestyle that allows me to be myself" I don't see that you have many options here. Every suggestion so far has not been acceptable to you so it seems to me (as your thread title says) you are stuck .... that is unless you tell your mother.

All the suggestions I was going to say have already been said and you already ruled them out - sorry. :sad:

[Jenna Lynne]

If you don't want to quote: "reduce dressing to some sort of kinky secret obsession" and also quote: "It's about having a lifestyle that allows me to be myself" I don't see that you have many options here. Every suggestion so far has not been acceptable to you so it seems to me (as your thread title says) you are stuck .... that is unless you tell your mother.
Too true. I'm still hunting for that sweet little studio apartment. In the short term (6 months) that would be a good solution, but it's still pretty darn expensive to throw $800 a month on top of my existing bills.

I'm questioning myself about your use of the word "acceptable." At first I feel defensive ... I wish you had said, "Every suggestion so far has been something that wouldn't work for you." But if I'm feeling defensive, maybe it's a sign that I'm setting myself up for defeat here by being too narrow and rigid about what I'm willing to accept.

I need to look at that. Thanks for using a provocative word!

***Jenna***

[Karren H]

Well I don't really know if your willing to go out in public enfemme.. But here's my system... I don't dress at home often, wife hate my hobby, so I change in unisex (Familt) restrooms and go out enfemme.. Total cost ZERO!! And there are tons of places to go enfemme that cost little or nothing I've found... Just an out of the box idea until you find a permenant solution.. Got to be creative sometimes!! Lol

How about dressing on the hoot-owl shift from say 1am to 4am? Especially if your mother is a heavy sleeper... I did that for years till my wife found out.. lol

Or how about sending your mother out for some adult day-care say once a week or to a local civic center that has senior adult classes.... Get her out of the house, allow you some free time and hey, your mother may enjoy it and have some fun!!! A win-win situation if I ever heard of one!!!

And it seems that you could find some time to wash out a wig or some personal things at home and create a secure place to let them dry....

Karren

[Jenna Lynne]

Well I don't really know if your willing to go out in public enfemme.. But here's my system... I don't dress at home often, wife hate my hobby, so I change in unisex (Familt) restrooms and go out enfemme.. Total cost ZERO!!

Or how about sending your mother out for some adult day-care say once a week or to a local civic center that has senior adult classes.... Get her out of the house, allow you some free time and hey, your mother may enjoy it and have some fun!!! A win-win situation if I ever heard of one!!!

And it seems that you could find some time to wash out a wig or some personal things at home and create a secure place to let them dry....
Super suggestion, Karren -- thanx!!! All I need is a suitcase and some clothes that don't get all wrinkly. Well, there's the nail polish problem, that's a little tricky, but maybe I could park in the restroom long enough for one coat to dry. How do you do it?

I went out in public a lot when I was younger. I have no idea how passable I am now. I think what I may do is do the motel room thing a couple of times strictly in order to experiment with makeup and make sure my outfits fit. Once I've got the details ironed out, a unisex restroom would be quick and easy.

Mom gets out to her card club at least twice a week. I'm not sure I'd be able to fit very much into an afternoon like that.

Believe me, there is NO secure place or time in the home to wash out a wig or undies. But I have a gay friend who I know for a fact would not mind if I used his place for that. I could probably store all my clothes at his place ... but he has cats, and I'm allergic, so that may not be such a swell idea.

Hugz,
***Jenna***

[Karren H]

I use stickon nails and i paint them up ahead of time so it's just stick and go!!! Also predress with your lingerie on before you go change speeds things up a lot... And I take only what I need into the restroom in a tote like computer nylon bag... Do the finishing touches in the car... Also have changed in the handicap porta-john's which are very roomy.... and anywhere I cna get 15 minutes alone!! lol

Karren

[uknowhoo]

Good suggestions Karren! ;)

As far as the nails thingy... I just buy Kiss nails, preglued, prepolished - just stick em' on (takes 2 minutes) and pop 'em off when your done. You just need to wipe off a lil excess glue with n.p. remover and you're back to drab fingies! :D

Good luck, sweetie ;)

[Jenna Lynne]

I use stickon nails and i paint them up ahead of time so it's just stick and go!!! Also predress with your lingerie on before you go change speeds things up a lot...
Good suggestions! 20 years ago I never could find stick-ons wide enough for my thumbnails. They're about 15mm at the base and 18mm at the outer edge, and GG thumbs aren't often that wide.

Is there a good source for nails online?

***Jenna***

[uknowhoo]

They cost about $5 - 6 and can be bought anywhere - Walmart, Rite Aid, etc. I saw and bought some last week which are designed to fit gurls like us with flatter nails (GG's nails tend to be more convex than ours), and come plenty wide enough for me. Good luck.

[teresa jeen]

i too have a mother who lives only 30 ft away its not quite the same though,what ive had to do is to curb my girrly side during the day and at night "once the sun goes down" get back to myself. i think thats the least i can do for her because like you i dont want her to have to experince that shocker. she took care of me when i couldnt now its my turn no matter what i have to do or when.

[cindybarnes]

Hi Jenna,
Karen's got the quick change routine down to an art for sure LOL I have changed in the back of my Bronco once in a pinch,but wasnt the way I care to get ready to get out.
I cant count the times I stayed at hotels for the weekend while away to see friends or going to different events. I never felt trapped but rather liked a nice place to get ready before going out .Nothing wrong with hanging out and trying different looks and outfits like you said you may do.
As far as keeping your stuff, maybe a small storage room that they have most places would work until you find the right place ?
You know the saying,, where there's a will there's a way :)
Good luck !

Cindy