Dressing around children

[BobbiC]

Hello, gals! I am a sporadic lurker who is delurking to seek the collective wisdom of the board.

Here's the text of the introduction message I just posted in the "introduction" forum. Sorry if it's a bit long or if this slightly duplicative posting is not appreciated.



I am 32 years old and have been scratching the urge to dress since high school. I went on my first shopping trips to Victoria's Secret while working a summer job in college, and reveled in having my own lingerie (silk panties and satin gowns). I had a small lingerie collection in college and it grew in grad school. My then-girlfriend found one of the Victoria's Secret receipts in my wallet one evening (while trying to find something else), and I had a lot of stammering explanations. I'm not sure if she was relieved that the lingerie was for ME rather than a competitor!

That girlfriend is now my wife, and we have been married for seven years. She has done her own reading and research on CD'ing and I think she accepts me for who I am and what it is (whatever that may be). Sometimes, though, she seems more bemused with my nighttime wardrobe and underthings, but We both enjoy sharing nightgowns and have several matching sets.

I'm not much of a dress up and go out guy/gal. I wear panties pretty much every day under my male clothes -- I have a collection of thongs and satin/nylon panties. I find that it's amazingly thrilling to signal to my wife that I'm thinking about sex by slipping on a particular strappy thong in the evening. I also wear nightgowns to bed -- we have a nice collection of "our" things. Probably the most "out" thing I've ever done was to wear a garter belt and thigh-highs underneath a tuxedo at a concert.

I wonder sometimes about expanding my wardrobe outside of lingerie -- I certainly notice how GG's are dressed and I wonder about going "out" dressed in a skirt or dress myself, sometimes. That's not an itch I've really felt like scratching, though (and I sense that more public dressing might be met skeptically by my wife).



Here's my dilemma. I am very happily married and have three lovely children, aged 4, 3 and 1. (Boy-girl-boy.) As I mentioned above, I regularly wear satiny nightgowns to bed with my wife, and my children are getting to the age where I think they're apt to notice that it's not quite in sync with what other folks might be doing.

I'm wondering what others who are more-or-less similarly situated have done with their children. I appreciate that there's such a wide variety of dressing practices going on, and support from significant others. I am just very nervous that although my wife is supportive, a growing up boy (who I suppose will be a teenager before too long) might have a hard time coping / understanding.

In short, I am concerned that my children might have a hard time understanding/accepting.

Throughout this past winter, on weekends, I was keeping covered and huddled underneath the covers during the weekend whenever the kids came a-calling, but that wasn't really very consistent. (I would change into more-male attire before coming down for breakfast on the weekends.) I think that this practice suffered from a "not fooling anyone" disadvantage. Those kids are just too precocious (diving into the bed to wake us up). So I've largely given that up and have spent several mornings wearing long satin gowns around the house. (Matching my wife's attire, even.)

I'm just really not sure that this should continue as my kids get older, though.

I really am not looking for blanket affirmation here. I am delurking because I'd like to hear about others' experiences with their children -- and would like to hear what I'm in for, one way or the other.

Thanks all for your support and understanding and advice.

[Stephenie S]

This all comes down to what you are comfortable with yourself.

You are absolutely right, they will notice, and soon, if not already. You children will be just as comfortable with it as you are. If you are relaxed about your CDing, they will be also.

Bear in mind, thought that your children have friends, and their friends will have parents. You are going to have to be comfortable with your child's friend telling a parent about your sleeping atire. I have aways slept in the nude. My children had to accept the fact that their dad didn't wear pajamas. I can tell you for sure that some little friend of my child told his mom that, "Mom! Aaron's dad doesn't wear pajamas"!

You are going to have to be just as equally at ease with your children's playmate's parents knowing that you sleep in a nightgown as I was knowing that they knew I slept in the nude. If you are, go right ahead. If not, then put the nightgown away until your children reach the age of judgement. (16yo?, 18yo?) Or hide really well (not likely possible).

Children take their cues from adults. If you are relaxed, they will be also.

Lovies,
Stephenie

[Kieron Andrew]

This all comes down to what you are comfortable with yourself.

You are absolutely right, they will notice, and soon, if not already. You children will be just as comfortable with it as you are. If you are relaxed about your CDing, they will be also.

Bear in mind, thought that your children have friends, and their friends will have parents. You are going to have to be comfortable with your child's friend telling a parent about your sleeping atire. I have aways slept in the nude. My children had to accept the fact that their dad didn't wear pajamas. I can tell you for sure that some little friend of my child told his mom that, "Mom! Aaron's dad doesn't wear pajamas"!

You are going to have to be just as equally at ease with your children's playmate's parents knowing that you sleep in a nightgown as I was knowing that they knew I slept in the nude. If you are, go right ahead. If not, then put the nightgown away until your children reach the age of judgement. (16yo?, 18yo?) Or hide really well (not likely possible).

Children take their cues from adults. If you are relaxed, they will be also.

Lovies,
Stephenie
great post, exactly what i was gonna say! CDing is neither illegal or immoral, teach your children to be excepting of difference of any kind and you cant go far wrong, if they grow up to be as openminded and accepting of diversity as daddy and mommy then they will be a credit to you....

[DianaGomez]

IMHO, the 4 and the 3 year old already have picked up on something, unless they have led an EXTREMELY sheltered life. They are old enough to notice. I think that they should not know what goes on with this in my opinion anyway. Would you let them know about any other aspect of your sexuality with your wife? I think not. Plus, kids talk. They will out you if they havent already. And to top it of, they need to be able to have gender specific role models at their age. What happens later on with their choices is another matter but let the kids be kids. (BTW, I have two myself, and would dream of having them know. I prefer to limit myself some what.)

[teresa jeen]

i am raising my grand-daughter,since 3 mo old, she got to the age of helping maw maw around the house,feeding dogs, taking out trash ,laundry etc... when she came to my panties m/m said those are pawpaws smoothies!! as far as sleeping, i like a soft cotton gown, prefferably with out a girrly print. we just tell her its my sleep shirt. now that she is 7 she wants to wear p/ps shirts to bed, needless to say i had to go buy more:heehee:

[cindi cinnamon]

Hi BobbiC. WELCOME.

My situation is somewhat different than yours, but similar in the respect of having a child at home.

You see, I have a twenty something daughter who still lives at home. And one day I just decided that I was tired of sneaking around at home and always worrying about getting caught, so I decided to have a talk with her and let her know about this part of my life. The conversation went better than I had hoped and I'm so glad I decided to take this step. I don't sneak around anymore!!!!!

But the point is this.... My daughter is old enough to process this kind of information and awareness, but I'm not sure that young children are. ( I just don't know. )

I think my daughters generation is much more accepting of diversity than mine is. And I think your childrens generation will be even more accepting. But, until they are mature enough to handle the issue, I would urge caution.

Just my humble opinion.

Again....... WELCOME!!!!!!!

[CaptLex]

And to top it of, they need to be able to have gender specific role models at their age.
Why is that? :confused:

Welcome, Bobbi :wave: . . . I second what Kieron said.

[Stephenie S]

IMHO, the 4 and the 3 year old already have picked up on something, unless they have led an EXTREMELY sheltered life. They are old enough to notice. I think that they should not know what goes on with this in my opinion anyway. Would you let them know about any other aspect of your sexuality with your wife? I think not. Plus, kids talk. They will out you if they havent already. And to top it of, they need to be able to have gender specific role models at their age. What happens later on with their choices is another matter but let the kids be kids. (BTW, I have two myself, and would dream of having them know. I prefer to limit myself some what.)

Dianna. Why does what you choose to wear to sleep in become an aspect of your sexuality? And, BTW, children DO need to have some idea of their parent's sexuality. How else will they ever develop a healthy attitude about sex if it's always hidden? Oh, right, I forgot. They can learn about sex from their peers in the schoolyard. That's a plan.

Let's not raise another misinformed and repressed generation.

Lovies,
Stephenie

And let me say also, unless you are hell bent on raising children fixated on the binary system of gender awareness, they DO NOT need gender specific role models. They just need GOOD role models. It apears from all recent thought and research that gender preference is not something that develops from having "gender specific" role models. Otherwise, how could we explain all the homosexual children raised by rabid homophobes?

Stephie

[kathy333]

this is my thinking on this.

i think you should put the night clothes in the night. O.K. heres what i mean. if you want to keep sleeping in gowns then you are going to have to make you'r bedroom, you'r room kids down come in without knocking and being invited. what if you were having would you want you'r kids running in and catching you. you are the parent,and you'r bedroom is you'r room.

now this also has a side for the kids. you will have to let them know that their room's are theirs you knock before entering, but you don't have to wait tobe invited, you'r the parent, but by knocking you are showing them the respect that you are demanding from them.



now here ware the trouble come in i have no ideal what i'm talking about. i've just taken what i heard other parent did with their children and passed it on to you.

so take this with a grain of salt and use it wisely.

nothing but love kathy333:love::hugs::2c:

[BobbiC]

bThanks so much to everyone who's weighed in. Lots to think about, that's for sure.

I think part of my misgivings about the "keep the door shut" option is that kids are a lot smarter than that (as someone said upthread). If we make it a big secret or make a big deal out of it, then I fear that leads to the kids making a big deal out of "finding out".

I know I went "exploring" as a kid through my parents' stuff. (The shock and horror of finding a tube of K-Y and a vibrator in my mother's nightstand was a big one for me!) I expect mine will do that, too, even if we try to stop them. Not to mention that keeping everything "hidden" would mean hiding the laundry, right? It just seems to be a futile act.

Stephenie, you were the first to respond to me...I hear what you're saying, but I think it's different to hear "Joey's dad sleeps without PJ's" versus "Joey's dad sleeps in a pink nightie". The first is quirky at worst (and is something that a lot of people do), the latter...not so much. I don't think I'm comfortable with being "outed" that way.

Lots of "what ifs".

[rachel_rachel]

I have experience in this topic... I have two kids, 9 yr. old and 2 yr. old boys, with another one due early in the new year..

I'm allowed to wear nighties to bed with the wife, my collection is far better than hers too i should say, and she loves it.

I have the same problem, my eldest son doesn't come into the bedroom anymore, but the young bloke, he's starting to talk properly now, and could easily let the cat out of the bag if i'm not too careful.

[Mitch23]

Hi BobbiC,

A thoughtful and sensitive post if you don't mind my saying. I have a ten year old son. Our rule has always been that you may knock and enter after the alarm goes off. He's very exuberant and bouncy and loves to push the boundaries. He's found pics of 'dad's girlfriend' on the PC and has seen me with 'mums makeup'. I don't know how a committed CD can keep that part of life entirely hidden from the rest of the family. Obviously he's going to put 2 & 2 together at some stage - I personally am ok with that except that if he knows then all his mates will. My wife doesn't want him to know to the extent that she would rather have him believe that Dad has a girlfriend!

Don't know any answers but you're not alone!

Mitch

[StephanieT]

I don't get it. Dad can have a girlfriend and cheat on mom and it is ok for your son to know this but it is not ok for him to know you CD. If you really had a girlfriend would that be ok with your wife? Does your wife really want your son growing up with the values of it is ok to be married and have a girlfriend?

[Kieron Andrew]

I don't get it. Dad can have a girlfriend and cheat on mom and it is ok for your son to know this but it is not ok for him to know you CD. If you really had a girlfriend would that be ok with your wife? Does your wife really want your son growing up with the values of it is ok to be married and have a girlfriend?
im with you on this one again! telling a child that daddy has a girlfriend will teach them its ok to cheat, and then the question comes 'well if daddy has girlfriend does mommy have a boyfriend?', kids are not backwards in coming forwards with awkward questions, id rather they knew about the cding than be taught its ok to cheat and lie or that in every relationship its ok to have a bit on the side

[Wendy me]

OK if you have kids and you do something around them while trying to be open or hide it they will pick up on it ...... and will share it with who ever and at any moment .... i am not saying hide every thing you do ... but at lest think abought just what you think that you need to share with them .... and being a parent means your needs and wants take a back seat to your kids .... so what i am saying think abought any backlash that might happen to your kids .... next your family and last to you......

[RuthieER]

I am the father of a fifteen year-old son. I came out to my partner while we were still dating, at the same time I was coming out slowly to my family, friends, and community. We are an eccentric family, and have never considered ourselves “normal” in the slightest. (This feeling goes back generations on both sides.) We are liberal and progressive in many of our attitudes. I am an actor, and we are also dancers of various sorts, and costumes, makeup, role-playing and characters have been part of my son’s life from the very beginning. We have many close friends who are GLBT, and he has been surrounded by sensitive, effeminate men, and tough, short-haired women all his life; gender roles have never been all black or white to him. But he also had the knowledge from the beginning that most people’s parents didn’t do the things his parents did; that we were unusual, and that often other people didn’t quite understand. He learned from an early age that there were things we did that were best not shared with some people, unless we knew them well.

I never hid my cross-dressing from my son, but neither did I flaunt it. I asked him what his early memories of my dressing were, and he said he couldn’t remember a time that he didn’t know I was a CD. His earliest memory of my dressing was when he was about four. I had been to a glamour photo shoot and came home with my hair done and full, glamour makeup. We went together a few days later to see the proofs of the photos of “Aunty Ruthie”, and order prints. In first grade, at age six, while in class talking about things families did together, my son told about my performing at the local Renaissance Festival, and declared, “My daddy wears a dress!” (Which I do there.) The teacher said it was probably a kilt.

He has never really been embarrassed by my dressing, and, although he was the target of bullies (as an odd little eccentric, as was I), it was not because his father wore a dress and makeup. He knows I am member of the City of Lakes Crossgender Community (a local TG support group), that I have gone to a TG-friendly resort, and he has met other CDs. When he was thirteen, he watched the movie “Fame”, and learned about the existence of “The Rocky Horror Picture Show”. So we rented it for him, and it has been an abiding interest of his, on and off, ever since. He has gone to midnight screenings dressed at Frankenfurter (I’m trying to get him to learn to do his own makeup), even gone to school and then trick-or-treating on Hallowe’en as Frankenfurter. He was cast as the Pantomime Dame in a children’s Christmas production of “Aladdin”, playing Aladdin’s mother. With long, wavy brown hair, down to the middle of his back, he didn’t need a wig. (His long hair is Rock Star-inspired, not Drag Queen!) He also likes the TG musical “Hedwig and the Angry Inch”, but wasn’t thrilled by “Pricilla Queen of the Desert”. Cross-dressing and TG persons are part of life for him, but he’s definitely straight, and has no interest in cross-dressing outside of performance context.

I am also out as a CD to a large circle of friends and acquaintances, in the folk dance, Renaissance Festival, and “New-Age” communities. There are several events and gatherings at which I am perfectly welcome en femme. In this community there are several children who know I am a CD, and I am quite close with a couple of them. They, also, take it in stride. Some girls I have met at gatherings and parties have been fascinated by me, and followed me around! Their parents are fine with me, and don’t mind my visiting and playing with their children.

So that’s my end of it. Children can handle a lot of things if they are presented honestly, openly, and without guilt or shame. I think as regards to issues of gender and sexuality, my son is extremely well adjusted. I think if my gender identity had been hidden from him, and he then discovered it, or if I explained it him out of the blue, he would have found that harder to deal with than knowing all along that it’s just part of who we are as a family.

Ruthie

[BobbiC]

Mitch, Rachel, everyone. Thanks for the comments and advice. It's a really ... weird ... feeling posting here. It's a "Wow, I'm not alone!" feeling that I've never really had when contemplating my dressing.

I'm drawing back on my own childhood and my wife's, and I can think of two examples. The first is my discovery of my mom's vibrator and lube. The second is my wife's reaction to her father's Playboy subscriptions. In both cases, it wasn't something we discussed with our parents (or our peers). Just a part of growing up and understanding our parents as complete people. But again, I come back to the idea that both of those things are of a qualitative nature very different from crossdressing and dealing with whole drawerfuls of daddy's lingerie.

I am leaning towards starting to keep the door shut and not going downstairs while dressed, with the expectation that as older teenagers, the kids will eventually know and we'll have a talk.

(In sort of the same way, we've already moved our "toys" outside of the nightstand drawer, which the baby was compulsively emptying. There's nothing quite as shocking as seeing a 1-year-old toddling around waving around a big purple...uh...toy.)

Are there people on the board who have had these talks with their older children?

Ruthie, thanks for the response. In some ways it strikes me as easier to be out and open when the crossdressing is, in fact, out and open. My own crossdressing is a private, underneath-my-clothes, in-the-privacy-of-my-own-bedroom (shared with my wife) affair. So for you (Ruthie), I think it's part of your public spheres, but for me, it's exclusively in the private sphere. I think that attenuates the reaction, some. Food for thought, certainly.

Also, in the "nothing new under the sun" department... Here's a link to the "Telling the kids" thread from this board from a little while back - http://crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?t=59441 -- and I'm sure there are more others.

[KandisTX]

I may have posted this story already in another thread, but this one seems more appropriate.

Our daughter is now 11 (will be 12 in August), and she has known about Kandis for roughly a year and a half now. This information was shared with her at a point where like most children she became more and more inquisitive and the questions asked were more and more "grown up". We share custody of her with her father, who lives in San Diego with her brother, and Kandis is the reason we have her with us here.

Her mother (GlitterGG), and I have been friends since before she was born, and her father is a very good friend of ours. We all have a great relationship and discuss the needs of both children on many occasions.

When I get home from work, I often get comfortable by underdressing (this means adding a bra as I wear panties and pantyhose on a daily basis), and she would ask "what's that" when she would give me a hug and feel the straps underneath my t-shirt. We would tell her "It's something he wears to be more comfortable", which is of course not a lie, but it wasn't the entire truth. That answer seemed to placate her for a brief while, then the question turned to "I know you wear it for comfort, but what's it called"? Okay, so now we are getting to a point where the simple "brush off" answer is not going to work.

We speak to her father and he says the next time she asks about it, we should be honest and open with her and tell her outright. Okay, so now I have permission to come out to her. I am scared of when the question may come, but of course hopeful it comes as well. Kind of a bittersweet situation has grown out of this.

Roughly a week later, she is doing the dishes and playing with a knife, which is a big NO-NO in our house, (blades must be respected, they are not toys), so I am yelling at her and GlitterGG is so angry she is pacing back in forth talking to herself in our room, so as to not get involved where she may "unload" as it were. It wasn't like either of us were going to hit our daughter, but playing with a knife is NOT something to be doing.

Anyway, back to the point of the story here. She looks at me as I am telling her why she should not play with my kitchen knives (I try to keep them very sharp), and she has that look of 'I want to say something, but am not sure how to say it' on her face. "What are you thinking" I asked (talking about the knife), and her answer is "I've figured out what it is that you are wearing under your t-shirt". Okay totally changed MY train of thought, but I ask her "Oh? Ans what do you think it is"? Her answer, without hesitation, and quite matter of factly is "You're wearing a bra, a ladies bra".

I look at her and tell her to go sit in the living room and head off to the bedroom to get GlitterGG. "Um honey, we need to talk with S".
"I'm in no mood to talk to her right now".
"No, we need to have THAT talk with her. She just told me what she thinks I wear under my shirt".

Instant change of mood, and we sit down with her explaining to her about Kandis and my CDing, and after a couple hours, we ask her if she has any questions. The only question, other than the ones we had already answered throughout our discussion was "When can I buy you a bra and panties".

Now, this was a fortunate situation for me as when it is just the three of us, I can be dressed comfortably and relax a little more when I get off work. While I do not know if she has told her brother, which she may well have, I have not pushed the issue since there are other issues at play where he is concerned. But, that's another story altogether.

Kandis:love:

[Sandra]

Older kids

We told our daughter when she was 14 about Nigella she's now nearly 18. She has accepted her Dad's dressing with know problems at all, infact when we told her her words were " well I did have an idea" how she knew we don't know because Nigella was very carefull. Kids aren't stupid they pick up on things and notice more than you think.

[KandisTX]

Older kids

Kids aren't stupid they pick up on things and notice more than you think.

That statement right there says it all Sandra GG. Children are much more perceptive to what is going on in the world around them. They also don't know the concept of "discretion" or prejudice, these are all things they must be taught by us, their parents.

How we raise them today, will govern how they react tomorrow.

Kandis:love:

[Mitch23]

I don't get it. Dad can have a girlfriend and cheat on mom and it is ok for your son to know this but it is not ok for him to know you CD. If you really had a girlfriend would that be ok with your wife? Does your wife really want your son growing up with the values of it is ok to be married and have a girlfriend?
No not quite like that! He found pictures of what he thought was Dad's girlfriend - my wife did not correct him because she was probably at a loss as to what to say. She was mad at me because I put her in this position and has said that she won't lie for me in future. It's very hard for SOs.

Mitch

[JulieC]

Kids are very perceptive. Their world is very different than the one we perceive. It's exceptionially difficult to prevent them from knowing due to this.

For my own part, my kids will not know in so far as I'm able. They are quite young yet. So far as I know, they have no inkling. Both saw me in various states of female attire when they were babies, but not since.

If my kids (girls, all of them) turn out to be TG I'll support them. At such a time, my TG nature might come to discussion, but only then.

[DonnaT]

Much of the time, when kids grow up seeing things as 'normal', whom others would think otherwise, then they will usually not be telling their friends things like "my dad sleeps in a nighty." And thus they become more accepting, since it's not really strange to them.

[Tallie]

I do not have kids but if I did, we would have the rule that my best friend (and Bill Cosby had on his show) did that the parent's bedroom is off limits and the kids MUST knock on the door. They cannot enter without permission.

[AmandaM]

You could consider some gender ambiguous nightshirts from the misses section. They look like t-shirts. Just an option in case they keep bursting in.

[trannie T]

Kids are not stupid. Kids are perceptive. Kids are resiliant. Either quit dressing for the next twenty years or be open to your kids, they can handle it. Can you?

[Stacy GG]

Kids are not stupid. Kids are perceptive. Kids are resiliant. Either quit dressing for the next twenty years or be open to your kids, they can handle it. Can you?

I totally agree with this. You either are going to have to hide until your kids leave the house or start being open about it now. If you act ashamed or scared about it, your kids will pick up on it and probably react the same way and be ashamed to talk about their father just because you are a CD.
My niece already picked up on elly crossdressing because Elly brought her purse with her and my niece asked if it was hers. Elly just simply answered yes. No big deal she didn't react like the world was gonna end. :2c:

[PennieS]

After dressing 24/7 for over a year now. my grown children as well as my grandchildren see me in my everyday clothing. My usual wear is womens jeans, top, bra, panties and womens flats or sneakers. Nighttime it is gown or silk pajamas. All are aware of my feminine atire and it is not even mentioned or brought up in any conversations anymore. I have had longer, styled hair or braided most of my adult life and even before openly dressing everyday, I was often mistaken as a female just by my long hair and smaller build. I still at times do dress up and all have seen me in full dress and accessories and it is really no prblem for me to wear whatever I choose anymore. This is so much easier then just a couple of years ago, When I was just wearing womens jeans and panties out in public. Now I have blond hair and wear lite makeup and bra everyday to.

PennieS

[Tree GG]

Very interesting responses - most interestingly from people without children. :D

Only you & your wife know what you're comfortable with. You can hide in your room, behind a locked door for the next 18-21 years. If you can withstand that in good humor, I will personally nominate you for father of the year.

If you walk around the house in your nighties, kudos for your honesty. But be prepared for the neighbors to know of your pink baby doll with fur trim - the kids will talk.

Here's what I know. Our 17 year old walked in and saw her father full femme. No discussion, no preparation, just BANG! there she is. The immediate result was clinical trauma - nausea, hysterics, panic, chills. This is not an exageration, this is fact. While she was pleading to me to get him help...get him cured...I tried to explain this was nothing that needed cured, it's a part of him. Her question to that, which I think applies to your question was, "Why didn't he do it all my life? Then it would've seemed normal."

My advice: Whichever course you pick now WILL make an impact on your children one way or the other. What do you want to teach them?

:hugs:

[Mitch23]

You could consider some gender ambiguous nightshirts from the misses section. They look like t-shirts. Just an option in case they keep bursting in.
I have my 'man-panties' and 'man-nightie' for the chillier end of the year. Curiously they are perfectly acceptable to my wife in bed even though they are made of the same material
as her 'girl-pants' and girl-nightie. The power of a label ...

Mitch

[LaFem]

Don't dress up and act like a woman around your children. It is a selfish act and quite a bit creepy. Your kids will only suffer for it. Keep it in the closet with kids. They've got enough going on with their own sexuality to be burdened with yours.

[Michelia]

I have posted about this before. I have two young kids and all I can tell you is they know all, see all - and they don't talk. They will behave and they will be affected by it more by you and your wife's attitudes than anything else. We are very close. For us it has been nothing but a wonderful experience in every way. But you have to be comfortable with yourself.

I can't speak for anyone else.

Michelia