planning a trip

[Lisa gg]

My cd and I have been out on a trip once before and I have to admit that it all went very well. We are friends and it was like two old schoolmates getting together for an evening out. Still there is this small voice in my head that comes up with all the "what ifs" and Iam sure you know them too. I will go on this trip and we will have a nice time. I just need to learn to deal with all the nasty what ifs because if he is going to openly be a cd and I am going to accept it and our marriage is to last i have to learn to deal with them. any ideas and suggestions would be greatly appreciated. Have a great day!
Lisa gg

[Alice B]

Just curious as to what the "what ifs" are?

[Lisa gg]

Alice, I apologize that it took me so long to reply. When I was talking about my what ifs it was the fear of discovery by friends and family when we are out and about and also at home sometimes when my best friend and husband are dressed. We just had another trip out to the casino and I see with each outing that the confidence level and ease that show by word and actions and the smile that is so much a part of the experience for us both is growing and I am happy to see that. As for friends and family I have to sadly admit that I still have the fear. We have one daughter that will accept I believe when that time comes. We have 2 beautiful grand daughters by her. My oldest daughter is another matter. I do not think she will even try to understand and I realize that is her problem but she also has 2 beautiful daughters and I truly fear we will never see them again if she finds out. They do not live close to us now so we do not see those grandchildren as often as the other 2 but I don't want to lose them either. I hope this will help you to give me advice now that you know my major what ifs. I have vowed that I want to remain married to my husband as I love him with all of my heart, and the part of him that I did not know existed for so many years is a very dear friend to me and someone I can talk to and knows my what if fears are and is saddened by the fact that I am confused and afraid because of it. I would never ask my husband to put that other side of himself back in the closet either as it was literally eating him up inside and he was a person that I didn't like much anymore and he didn't like himself either as he was living a lie not only to himself but to me as well. Thanks for listening Alice and I look forward to chatting with you again soon Lisa gg

[KimberlyS]

Lisa, my wife and I recently went on a 3 days straight of me being enfemme and the two of us out and about. For us to make the "what ifs" easier we get out of town. It was 5 hours from home in a much larger city. IMO this makes things much easier, especially for my wife as a great fear is running into someone we know and then them making me because we are together. Because at least for me, while I do not pass, I can blend well. And when I am out in full femme I can hide my male identity fairly well. But seeing me with her would add greatly with them possibly making me. Secondly make sure your CDer is dressing to blend in where you are going.

[MsEva]

If you are in the Northeastern US, I would suggest a resort like Rainbow Mountain near Stroudsburg PA. They have a safe and accepting resort where you would be welcome.

[kittypw GG]

Lisa it sounds like you are thinking that you don't have much of a say in what goes on in your relationship. You don't really have to accept anything. If you go somewhere and you feel uncomfortable you should have the latitude to call things off and for your hubby to be ok with it. If you have a mutual agreement that your feelings are just as important as his then all of the "what if's" are not a consideration.

This is a must in my relationship with my hubby. For example we went to another city to look for a wig. I made sure before we even went that if I got a feeling that I could not deal with him trying on a wig in a store that we would call it off. He agreed to follow my lead with the whole thing. We went into a wig store and there was a women with a little girl about 7 years old trying on extentions. The girl that was working in the store was young and all I wanted to do was get out of the store. He followed and did not get angry because I could not go through with it. Hope you get the point I am trying to make. You don't "have to" get used to anything. It should be a mutual comfortable agreement between the both of you. It is ok to say you will be ok with something and then when you are actually doing that something to get cold feet and back out without reprocussions. This is a hard lifestyle to not only grasp but to get used to so cut yourself some slack and allow yourself some time to get used to things even if it means you might have to back out of a situation.

Go slow, dear, or you will likely reject the idea alltogether if your feelings are put aside for the happiness of your hubby the majority of the time. I admire you for attempting to accept this lifestyle and so should your hubby. Acceptance does not mean totally embracing everything your hubby desires over your own desires and ideas of what you want out of your marriage. Comprimise and mutual respect for eachother is paramount to making it work. Communicate and don't let the "what if's" rule you. Agree to some guidlines, communicate explicitly, and respect eachothers feelings. Keep it simple, you will be fine. :hugs: Kitty

[KimberlyS]

Lisa, one thing my wife and I did for our first outing together and have continued to do is we made a list of things to do. It was a specific list of things we both agreed on possibly doing. We agreed ahead of time it was only a possibility list and not a have to list. We may do some, all, or none of the list and sit in the hotel room depending on the comfort level of us both. The list was a smorgasboard that could be added to and changed at any time. We rated the list on my wifes and my current comfort levels.

Examples on the list were:

*** Out to eat with other CDing couples we knew
** Shopping for Antiques with list of places to shop
* Shopping at Mall of America, MOA
** Shopping at Target or Walmart
** Shopping at a smaller mall
*** Go to a movie
* Go out to eat
** Go to park and watch the boats
** Museum
****Sit in the room with me enfemme and watch a movie
His and Hers manicure/pedicures with color

Interestingly was how our comfort levels changed. My wife added the manicure/pedicure as a surprise to me which worked good for our evening out to eat with the other couples. After the man/ped at MOA, we did some minor shopping in the mall including lunch all with me as a guy with painted nails. From just after lunch till leaving for supper we spent in the room. We met the other couples at the mainstream restaurant, getting their early and had a drink with one other person from our party, and then supper with the small group of 8. Afterwards back to the hotel. The next day it was about 5 hours of antiquing with lunch, followed by a short stop at the MOA, then back to the hotel to change to male mode and out to eat.

I think this helped my wife as it gave her a limited list of possible things to do with all of them being options. This made the weekend less pressured to do certain things. And the minimum of just spending the weekend with me enfemme in the hotel was something she had already done.

[danielle40I]

Lisa, Kitty has some truely wise words to heed. My ex tried so very hard to accomidate me while living in total terror of being placed in a compromising situation. It's not all about him but, instead, it's about both of you. Identify your own boundaries and respect them. Give those boundaries the flexibility that you find comfortable. I have first-hand experience in how the SO can harbor resentment that can finally result in the relationship totally breaking down as the result.
Talk to one another, express your discomfort as well as your support. You have the need and the right to respect and dignity for who you are as much as your partner, in any phase of your relationship with each other.

Just my :2c:

Dani

[trannie T]

Lisa you are absolutely correct there are a lot of things that could happen, such as:

You could be attacked by a pack of rabid wolverines,
You could be hit by a falling meteor,
You could be leaving the house just as the van from the Publishers Clearing House Prize Patrol pulls up to your drive,
You are discovered by the Transvestite Police,
Or you could go out and have a good time.

Enjoy life, don't worry about what might happen.