If it's not fun, why do it?

[Jenna Lynne]

I think I need to vent for a second again, please forgive me.

Went to Rite-Aid today to shop for some stick-on nails and accessories, maybe some eye shadow, maybe who knows what-all. I ended up feeling confused and frustrated and walked out without buying anything.

25 years ago, when I was first getting over my shame and figuring out how to shop for stuff, I had a couple of factors in my favor. First, I lived in a big city where I knew practically nobody, so the only thing I had to worry about was what the cashier thought. And I lived alone, so when I bought something I could rush home, try it on, and find out whether I had the right color or whatever.

Today I live in a much smaller town, the ladies in Mom's card club all know me, and they love to gossip. So I have to worry about more than just the cashier! And because I live with Mom, I can't rush home and try anything on.

I hate hiding. I hate it. So I'm asking myself, if I have to skulk around like an axe murderer or something, what's the point? If I'm not having fun, why do it?

Something as simple as the technology of stick-on nails -- I was reading the labels on the boxes, and it's all very confusing. If I lived by myself I could piddle around with it until I figured it out. But those chemicals have a pretty strong odor, so doing it in my bedroom in the dead of night is not really an option.

So I should spend $100 on a motel room in order to piddle around with nails? If that isn't letting your life be ruled by fear, I don't know what is.

Ick. Just ick. Thanks for listening.

***Jenna***

[Jodi]

Jenna, Get into the car, drive about 30 miles to a Rite-Aid. Shop for what you want in male mode, smile and drive home.

Jodi

[Marla S]

:hugs:
I know what you are talking about, especially the hiding part. I am kind of over it, but sometimes I still have little flashbacks. I think they never will go away.




I hate hiding. I hate it. So I'm asking myself, if I have to skulk around like an axe murderer or something, what's the point? If I'm not having fun, why do it?


It's the constant struggle of the inside world vs. the outside world or the battle of ratio vs soul.
Your soul would have fun, so it will try again and again to get it.
Your ratio isn't ready for it yet and will get in way again and again.

Havn't counted how often I went for shopping und turned around right when I reached the racks.

[Miss Petra]

Why not just tell MOM. Living in shame guilt & fear is ICK !. I hope the fear is not just the only reason holding you back. If she is truly someone who hates gender sickos I understand why you dont tell her.

[Country girl]

Is moving into your own place an option? I'm sorry things seem to be so hard on you right now. But you are right about one thing, when something ceases to become fun anymore then it tends to lose it's effect. I hope things get better. :hugs: CG GG

[Jenna Lynne]

Is moving into your own place an option?
Yes, it's technically an option, as Mom is still capable of independent living. But it would be really expensive. I live in Northern California, where the rents are high. I could rent a teensy apartment for $1,000 a month, but since I'm self-employed and pay SE tax, I'd have to earn at least $1,500 extra every month to pay the rent. For a place where I would actually have room for all my stuff, I'd have to pay $1,500 a month, if not more, which would mean earning $2,000 extra.

And for reasons that I'd rather not go into because I'm still in "being very discreet" mode, being "out" as a crossdresser could easily _cost_ me $1,500 a month in lost income. If that happened, there would be no way I could make up the difference. I'd have to dip into my retirement savings in order to pay the rent.

So the question you asked morphs into a slightly different question: Am I committed enough to my CDing activities that I'm willing to take that amount of financial risk? (Not to mention the hassle of moving!) And the answer is, "No, not right now. Right now I'm committed only to _exploring_ what I might want to do. I'm not ready to slam the door on anything yet."

Thanks for asking, though. That's clearly the key question.

***Jenna***


Why not just tell MOM. Living in shame guilt & fear is ICK !. I hope the fear is not just the only reason holding you back.
Good question. I've been asking myself that. Mom's politics and personal opinions are very liberal, so I'm not worried about her flipping out. What concerns me ... well, there are two things.

First, she might just not understand, and feel terribly hurt and distressed. I don't really want to put her through that. She's old enough that absorbing new ideas is not easy for her.

Second, if she was supportive it would almost be worse. Mom has very poor personal boundaries; she's sort of a codependent enabler type. So she might, you know, buy me fashion magazines and jewelry (her taste is terrible). And having her reactions rattling around in my head when I wanted to CD would, I'm afraid, pollute the whole experience.

I mean, let's take a random example. Let's suppose you're a guy who is turned on by big breasts. Would you want to tell your mom about your turn-on and then be walking down the street with her and have her point at a well-endowed woman, nudge you with her elbow, and say, "Hey, how about that pair?" Wouldn't you find yourself thinking about Mom's remark the next time you were gazing at the object of your affection? Wouldn't it sort of unhinge you? I think there's some danger that it would.

So yeah, I'm thinking that I might tell her, but I'm also thinking I might not. And the heck of it is, you can't _know_ what will happen without doing it. And then you can't undo it afterward.

***Jenna***

[trannie T]

It seems that you may be looking for excuses to be unhappy. Quit feeling sorry foe yourself, pull up your panties and get on with life.

[noname]

Like you, I hate hiding. It's just not me, and I don't feel I should have to hide myself from people. I can certainly relate to your interal torment. For me it's kind of like when we had company over I had to put shoes or socks on to hide my painted toe nails. But even though I have almost total freedom, I sometimes find life difficult.

As for the motel, I wouldn't spend a 100 bucks to try on nails.

[Jenna Lynne]

It seems that you may be looking for excuses to be unhappy. Quit feeling sorry foe yourself, pull up your panties and get on with life.
Hey, I'm trying to deal with some real-world issues here. It sounds to me like you don't want to hear about it because it makes you uncomfortable.

If you're not in the closet, please share with us all how you've achieved a life of total respect and dignity. I'm sure I'm not the only one who would love to learn from your shining example.

***Jenna***

[Mitch23]

I do want to hear about it Jenna. Your post and many here exactly mirror my own feelings and circumstances. I live in a small rural town (8000 pop), everybody knows everyones business. My wife is a local school ma'am therefore pillar of respectability in the community. My 10 year old son would possibly tell all his mates if he found out . My wife doesn't like my CDing. My work colleagues are aware through banter and will shortly see me dressed to such a standard that I will be outed. Against this, Mitch is pretty determined to get out and be accepted in the world - has been to anonymous big city but now including her local community.

How does this all work out - I dunno because I'm still working it through. Shouldn't be a big deal in society and to most it isn't and that annoys me. Went out en femme into my home town yesterday and the world didn't stop turning. Nobody noticed or cared, saw many people I know including work colleagues and no recognition.

But I'm not stupid, I know it's only a matter of time - then I'll lose some friends and gain some new ones. It depends how badly I want this thing and how much I'm prepared to sacrifice to get it - family, job, security, reputation.

And yes it does make it uncomfortable - in fact it scares me rigid. But it's nice to know that you and others like you are with me on the journey!

love and hugs

Mitch

[Karren H]

Use the self stickons.... The glue on's would be a pain for you in your situation, IMHO. Glue ons are great if you want to wear them for a longer time but stickons are perfect for those just-in-time crossdressing events.. paint up a box ahead of time (do it in you car, on a short drive). Us a couple old pencils and lightly stick 4 or 5 on the pencil and paint them up and stick the pencil in the floormat or somewhere where they won't fall over. Then take a drive.... Give them 2 coats and when completely dry place them back in the box, ready for any thing that comes up.. I usually keep 3 of 4 boxes painted up in different colors....

Ohhh and to answer you question...... If it wasn't fun I wouldn't be doing this for sure!! hehe

Karren

[Marcie Sexton]

I shop at my local Rite Aid...all the girls there know me by name...I buy a lot of the things I need to keep my make up fresh...I've even had them help me.

I've ask questions such as colors to match eye color. They all naturally assume the stuff is for my wife...A lot of the clothing stores I shop in also know me by name and the SA's think I'm the perfect hubby...always pick up two or three outfits...since my wife and I are pretty much the same size 8-10 or 10-12 depending on the maker and style they think I am buying for my wife...Several have made comments that they wished their husbands were like me:heehee:.

If there is no wifey, then there could always be the special girl friend you're buying for, assuming you're wanting to stay semi under the radar...:2c:

But then again this is strictly all my opinion too...

[Kate Simmons]

There is no easy answer Jenna. I was married and had three children to support and raise. It's never easy and even though I had to hide as well, I had to bear with it. Only after the children grew up and moved away did I have the option and the courage to be open about things. Even so, I lost most of my family. You have to weigh everything in the balance and find out what works for you. Not easy being who we are but only you can determine just how important it is to you to be yourself.:happy:

[Wendy me]

i don't have a answer for you completely see i can dress abought as often as i want to .. my wife knows but is unsouportive ... and a recent disaster put a damper on my getting out and shopping .... stressed??? depressed??? total lack of fun??? for sure ..... i turned to a girlfriend to do some much needed venting ..... got the blown off feeling.... more stressed??? more depressed ??? oh yes big time ....a feeling let down ?????....not much fun???? you got that right .....

so what did i do??? same thing you are doing i put it in a thread and just the venting just putting it down in words helped .... then thoughts and kindness of our sisters here helped .... as i sure it's going to help you...

like me and most of us that ask for help or tell tales of our lives and what is going on .... you probably know what you need to do... and your just trying to make sure it's what you need to do .... or want to .... and it probably is so simple and reasons given for why or why not don't relay matter .... it's soooo much just doing what you want to .....

[StephanieH]

I think we all get frustrated that we can't do what we want when we want because of the constraints put on us by society or family, or whatever. It's just something we have to deal with and accept. The world's not gonna' change just for us, sorry, but dem's is facts.

Just look forward to the time you can spend messing with the stuff you bought and don't be too anxious so that it gets you down. Take care and lighten up, this stuff is fun, even tho I'm sure most of us here do not get to do it as often as we'd like to. :2c:

[LaFem]

If it's that important to you, do it and don't screw your SO over in the process. Be honest with yourself. ( It's hard, I know)

[Jenna Lynne]

If it's that important to you, do it and don't screw your SO over in the process. Be honest with yourself. ( It's hard, I know)
Ouch! I feel so less-than. I haven't had an SO, other than for a few brief periods, since 1975. I was miserable about this for years, but finally just gave up. Every time I tried dating, it just never worked ... and I'm pretty sure the reason was because my male "self" isn't my true self. So I was never being myself in the relationship. No spontaneity, no comfort, no spark.

Sex was always, like, "Okay, where am I supposed to put my hand now? Am I doing it okay? Should we change positions or shouldn't we?"

This belongs in a different thread. Sorry. Maybe I'll start a new one after I figure out what it's about.

***Jenna***