afraid of my shadow

[Amber-Sue]

I am dressed in a pretty blouse, nice skirt, heels and I thought I could go out shopping. I get into the car drive a third of the way and get cold feet,drive back home very disappointed that I could not go it alone. Has this happened to others? More likely, but how does one overcome the feeling?

any help or suggestions would help

Amber

[Wendy me]

ok easy answer to your problme ....... shop closer to home........

[JoAnnDallas]

Yep....many times when I first started going out. Not sure if there is any way other than stop...take a deep breath....and just do it. That is what I did when I went out solo among people the first time. When I got back in the SUV, I knew I could do it and have not stopped since. LOL

[BarbaraTalbot]

I am dressed in a pretty blouse, nice skirt, heels and I thought I could go out shopping. I get into the car drive a third of the way and get cold feet,drive back home very disappointed that I could not go it alone. Has this happened to others? More likely, but how does one overcome the feeling?

any help or suggestions would help

Amber

having not yet made it out en femme myself..

Do have a specific place in mind to go?

Have you been there dressed as a man to pre-run the course?

Have you met the staff, maybe taken one or two aside and asked for some help?

Dunno if it would work for you, but now that I had the chance to ask for help (for me, not for 'the wife') in the lingerie department at Target while wearing a mans t-shirt over fem jeans, I am dying to go back dressed to say thanks to the kind sales associate that helped me.

[Jodi]

None of us can tell you how to handle your own fears. That is something that you must solve on your own. Do you fear the unknown in other life situations? If so, how do you solve those. Only you can handle your own fears. They can either control you or you can control them.

Jodi

[Ashley Lynn Swift]

YEP, AT LEAST YOU MADE IT TO the car, although i can't say i've never been out en femme, when i was driving trucks at night i used to drive dressed up all the time at night, a couple of times i even got up the courage to get out dressed up and go into a few rest area's, and one wal-mart, i even wore some of my skirts and tops under my regular clothing a couple time into shippers and recievers, i know its not the same but it made me feel good that i was taking the first steps to being my true self, taylor. who know's maybe one day i'll work up the courage to be taylor all the time and not just in the safety of my house, truck, aka "MY CLOSET"

lov TAYLOR

[Karren H]

Jodi's right... Its hard for us to tell you how to handle your internalizing of your fear.. For me it was basically working up to it.. Starting with just going outside.. Then the drive.. Buy gas enfemme.. Then the quick walk through a park in the evening.. Trot through the mall late at night.. All night Walmart at 3 am... And finally full out in the stores during the day light hours..

Took months to get there... And its like conditioning.. Try something and nothing bad happends.. So try it again only pushing it further.. And on and on.. Your basically training yourself not to be afraid.. Pavlov and his dog would be sooo proud!! Hehehe

So we've all been there.. You already have a good start.. Just keep it up and you should have no problems at all.. Just don't get between me and a rack full of dresses on clearence!! Talk about conditioning ....... I think I'm starting to salavate!! Lol

Love Karren

[Jenna Lynne]

I am dressed in a pretty blouse, nice skirt, heels and I thought I could go out shopping. I get into the car drive a third of the way and get cold feet,drive back home very disappointed that I could not go it alone. Has this happened to others? More likely, but how does one overcome the feeling?
I've been there many, many times (in earlier years, when I looked a LOT cuter than I do today).

Here are some ideas:

1) Try to find a crossdressers' club in the nearest large city. Go to a few meetings dressed. You'll know in advance you're going to a friendly place, and that will make it easier. You might even find someone to go shopping with!

2) If your goal is to pass as a woman, do some research. Go to the place(s) you may want to go, and observe what the women are wearing. It's okay to look maybe a little nicer than some of them -- you don't have to look like a schlub -- but if they're all wearing flats, the 4" heels will make you conspicuous. If they're all wearing subtle or no makeup, the bright red lipstick is not going to help you blend in. A Hollywood wig could be a problem, too.

3) It's always okay to turn around and go home if you're not comfortable. It's NOT a defeat! Each time you go out, you'll be a little more relaxed and confident.

4) Being relaxed and confident is important. If you present yourself in a relaxed, confident way, you'll be welcome almost anywhere. If you look uptight and fearful, you'll have a lot more problems.

5) Practice your feminine voice. It's especially helpful if a guy hits on you, because you pretty much have to say SOMETHING, even if it's, "No, thanks. I'm married." (Yes, it happened to me once, in a supermarket parking lot. Got asked out for a glass of wine. Was terrified. Mumbled something and ran.)

6) If you're worried about being recognized, go to places you don't usually go.

7) Learn how to cover up the stubble!!!!!

8) The inner psychology trick, which I tried often (with indifferent success) while first starting to venture out, was to stand inside the front door, frozen with fear, and say to myself, "Honey, you're not going to get any better looking if you stay inside." Sometimes that did the trick.

Hope this helps!

***Jenna***

[Sharon]

I think getting into the car and driving was a tremendous first trip! Do you know how difficult that that step alone is for so many of us? I was a terrible wreck the first time I ventured outdoors, and now it's no big deal at all. It just takes time.

Be patient with yourself, Amber, and, maybe, the next time out will be more of what you are hoping for. :hugs:

[SweetCaroline]

I agree with the others who said find a group of some sort to join. Most big cities have something like that. I still haven't been out yet myself, but I did go to my first event, and felt out of place because I wasn't dressed up.

One step at a time.:hugs:

[Lisa_B]

I have been there too! But do not get down on yourself, that only makes it harder the next time. I totally agree with Karren--take many small steps--and progress along at your pace.

[chucks]

i disagree with what most everyone else said. take huge steps. determine to accomplish what it is you feel you need to, then rush ahead brazenly. no more entertaining cowardice.

it may take away much of the thrill (which has its roots in fear) but you will be empowered.

[Sue Too]

I can understand your feelings. Take one step at a time and all will be well. You have already taken two. The first and biggest was walking out the door. The next was getting in your car. As has been suggested, make the next steps a trip for gas or just a ride with no specific destination. Also try both daytime and nightime exposure. Each new experience will help you build confidence.

You go girl,

Susan:hugs:

[AllieSF]

My :2c: I recommend that you go as far as practical from your normal home grounds. I have only been out in the day twice so far. Being far from home, I just take the attitude, I will never see these people again, so what the hey, I'll do it! It really liberated me and gave me some of that non-liquid courage we need to loosen up sometimes. I also second the opinion that a partner in crime is a good help too. That way you can talk about anything and distract your mind and your inner fears. Good luck, you will really enjoy it as the fear leaves and is replaced by the thrill of it all.

[Stephenie S]

Sometimes, it can be almost disapointing when we find out how little others really care. When I started going out dressed, I went to planned and "safe" areas. I went for a makeover. I went to my therapist. I went to my hairdresser. I went to a social CD meeting. All safe and easy places because someone there knew me already. One morning I arived at my hairdresser 45 minutes early. So there I was, with nothing to do. I decided to go get a bagel as there was a bagel shop across the street. OK, I thought to myself, this is going to create quite a stir. I screwed up my courage and went in and ordered a toasted bagel with creamcheese and beat it back to my car.

Well let me tell you, NOBODY paid me the slightest mind!! I was almost disapointed. I said to myself, "WTF?" "What's wrong with those people?" "Don't they have eyes?"

I have since discovered that 99% of the people out there are just too wrapped up in their own little world to pay any attention to you. Think about it after all. Doesn't it sound a bit egotistical? I'm gonna go in here, and the whole world is gonna grind to a halt just because of what I am wearing? Not "Fing" likely bud!!! If you dress in a manner so as when you ARE read (because you will be read at some point, don't EVER fool yourself about that), you don't offend, no one will care at all. The world will continue to spin on it's axis, the sun will set at it's regular time, and you will have gone somewhere "dressed". Whoopie!! That's the way it happens, hon. That's all there is to it. End of story. I wish I could tell you that's it's somehow more important than that, but I can't. Because it ain't. In the grand scheme of things, it's really pretty small potatoes.

So, get back in your car, hon. Next time you may get 2/3 of the way there. And the time after that you may actually get all the way to the mall before you fall apart. But eventually you will get out of the car and go inside, and like EVERYONE else on this forum who has done it, discover that it's really no big deal, it's really actually FUN, and whoops, lookout girl, hold on to your wallet!!!!

Lovies,
Stephenie

[kassandra richard]

I like Chucks' suggestion actually :) My second time out (first time was actually 9 years ago :O ) I headed up to one of our outlet malls and walked the entire length of the mall into Sears, bought a skirt and pair of boots, walked back to my van. Over the course of the next two weeks I went to the grocery store, Walmart and one of our busiest malls. Basically I just went out and did it.

Oddly enough, a month later when I went to Florida I much more timid even though there wasn't a snowball's chance in Florida of meeting anyone I knew. 'Course I was staying at DisneyWorld and thought I might freak out the kids. So I just drove around instead :)

Ultimately, facing your own fears in your own way is best. But sometimes you gotta just dive in the deep end and swim your way out.

[Karren H]

i disagree with what most everyone else said. take huge steps. determine to accomplish what it is you feel you need to, then rush ahead brazenly. no more entertaining cowardice.

it may take away much of the thrill (which has its roots in fear) but you will be empowered.

Love it.... Do the big trip... possibly fall on your face miserably and never ever go out again... What a plan!!!! You must have an MBA?? hehe

:tongueout

Karren

[Jenna Lynne]

i disagree with what most everyone else said. take huge steps. determine to accomplish what it is you feel you need to, then rush ahead brazenly. no more entertaining cowardice.

it may take away much of the thrill (which has its roots in fear) but you will be empowered.
I'm afraid I can't agree with this. It sounds very idealistic and noble at first blush, but for most of us ... well, I'll speak for myself. For me, it wouldn't be practical.

There is such a thing as overload. When you present yourself as a woman after years of presenting yourself as male, there's a LOT that you may want or need to do differently, much of it quite subtle. How we walk, how we hold our hands, how we talk, how we get the wallet out of the purse to pay for that bagel, how we interact with that three-year-old who has come over to our table at the coffee shop and is staring up at us ever so solemnly....

There's a lot of new behavior to learn. I've had the opportunity in earlier years to observe very closely while middle-school students learn to play a musical instrument, and I can tell you that it doesn't work to give the student 25 different instructions all in the first lesson! They may be doing 25 things horribly wrong, but you need to focus on one or two things at a time.

You also need to encourage students constantly by complimenting them on what they're doing right. By being cautious and moving forward a little at a time, the crossdresser who is venturing out in public can retreat to a safe place and give herself some positive messages for having done some things right. That's incredibly important!

I applaud Chuck for being true to his own process, but I really can't recommend it for anyone else. I know it wouldn't have worked for me (and still wouldn't).

***Jenna***

[Ashley Lynn Swift]

I'm afraid I can't agree with this. It sounds very idealistic and noble at first blush, but for most of us ... well, I'll speak for myself. For me, it wouldn't be practical.

There is such a thing as overload. When you present yourself as a woman after years of presenting yourself as male, there's a LOT that you may want or need to do differently, much of it quite subtle. How we walk, how we hold our hands, how we talk, how we get the wallet out of the purse to pay for that bagel, how we interact with that three-year-old who has come over to our table at the coffee shop and is staring up at us ever so solemnly....

There's a lot of new behavior to learn. I've had the opportunity in earlier years to observe very closely while middle-school students learn to play a musical instrument, and I can tell you that it doesn't work to give the student 25 different instructions all in the first lesson! They may be doing 25 things horribly wrong, but you need to focus on one or two things at a time.

You also need to encourage students constantly by complimenting them on what they're doing right. By being cautious and moving forward a little at a time, the crossdresser who is venturing out in public can retreat to a safe place and give herself some positive messages for having done some things right. That's incredibly important!

I applaud Chuck for being true to his own process, but I really can't recommend it for anyone else. I know it wouldn't have worked for me (and still wouldn't).

***Jenna***

Jenna i just got to say i agree, i know that i could, never just take huge steps into it. but i wouldn't have to go far since my apartment is right behide a shopping center, with an old navy, and a target right across the street, what more could a girl want:D

[krisla]

I was and am the same way at times. I get over it by thinking how I will regret not having tried. The times I do try I understand that very few people really care.

G' Luck

Krisla

[sterling12]

So, go back out and try it again tomorrow. And if you get faint of heart, try it again the next day, and the next, etc.

One of those days, you will say, "the Hell with it," and just go ahead and step out of that car.

It's upsetting and depressing to have a setback. But the real crime would be letting that setback get the better of you. Lots of folks try and fail, the real winners are the one's who have the fortitude to get back up off the floor to try again.

Peace and Love, Joan

PS. Added bonus, if you try again you'll feel a lot better about yourself too.

[Stlalice]

Some of those who have posted here have given very good advice. For that first time out a trip to a known friendly venue is a very good idea. My own first time out was to a local predominantly LGBT church for a Sunday service. A TG social/support group meeting or club would also be good place. As for a shopping trip - best to try first time on a weekday when things aren't too crowded and kids (teens) are in school. Dress to blend in - if you stand out and/or act nervous you will draw attention that you really don't want or need. It's OK to work up to things like this slowly - take your time and enjoy yourself. :2c:

[Mitch23]

Sometimes, it can be almost disapointing when we find out how little others really care. When I started going out dressed, I went to planned and "safe" areas. I went for a makeover. I went to my therapist. I went to my hairdresser. I went to a social CD meeting. All safe and easy places because someone there knew me already. One morning I arived at my hairdresser 45 minutes early. So there I was, with nothing to do. I decided to go get a bagel as there was a bagel shop across the street. OK, I thought to myself, this is going to create quite a stir. I screwed up my courage and went in and ordered a toasted bagel with creamcheese and beat it back to my car.

Well let me tell you, NOBODY paid me the slightest mind!! I was almost disapointed. I said to myself, "WTF?" "What's wrong with those people?" "Don't they have eyes?"

I have since discovered that 99% of the people out there are just too wrapped up in their own little world to pay any attention to you. Think about it after all. Doesn't it sound a bit egotistical? I'm gonna go in here, and the whole world is gonna grind to a halt just because of what I am wearing? Not "Fing" likely bud!!! If you dress in a manner so as when you ARE read (because you will be read at some point, don't EVER fool yourself about that), you don't offend, no one will care at all. The world will continue to spin on it's axis, the sun will set at it's regular time, and you will have gone somewhere "dressed". Whoopie!! That's the way it happens, hon. That's all there is to it. End of story. I wish I could tell you that's it's somehow more important than that, but I can't. Because it ain't. In the grand scheme of things, it's really pretty small potatoes.

So, get back in your car, hon. Next time you may get 2/3 of the way there. And the time after that you may actually get all the way to the mall before you fall apart. But eventually you will get out of the car and go inside, and like EVERYONE else on this forum who has done it, discover that it's really no big deal, it's really actually FUN, and whoops, lookout girl, hold on to your wallet!!!!

Lovies,
Stephenie
Couldn't have put it better myself, Stephenie. I'm now going out more and more and even in my small rural home town. Nobody is interested in the slightest - I can't believe I pass that well. The first time I went out Amber, I felt just the same and I suspect all the girls did. Got back into my car after a few minutes and was going to drive home but made myself get out again.

Do what eveyone does when shopping - give your self a purpose and a plan. I'm going to x, going to by y, browse in z, get some lunch etc. Amber, what you did was a big step and it was a success, not a failure! Next time will be better!

Mitch

[Jillm]

I’ve been through this, Drive to a store and if I didn’t turn around before I got there I would sit in the parking lot for hours, maybe get out of the car a couple of times, start to walk up to the store, just to turn around and get back in my car. It was very frustrating for me. I then took time to try and figure out what my fear was. For me it wasn’t someone noticing I was a cder, It was running into someone my SO or myself know, or even worse someone that knows my children. I’m at the point where I do go out shopping in fem but I go out of town to do it. I live in an area where I can be to a few major cities within an hour or two. I guess what I’m trying to say is see if you can figure out what your fear is and then find a way around it. I don’t know if it will work for you, (I hope it dose because shopping in fem is so much fun) but it did for me. Good Luck, Hope your shopping in fem soon.

[TxKimberly]

I am dressed in a pretty blouse, nice skirt, heels and I thought I could go out shopping. I get into the car drive a third of the way and get cold feet,drive back home very disappointed that I could not go it alone. Has this happened to others? More likely, but how does one overcome the feeling?

any help or suggestions would help

Amber

Believe it or not, I used to do this a LOT. I cant count how many times I drove to movie theaters just to sit in the car for 10 minutes before leaving because I couldn't get the courage up. There were times I even made it to the ticket counter just to turn around and leave. Suggestions? Maybe work your way up to it. Going for drives is a good safe way to get your feet wet and get used to being outside. I'm not sure how old you are, but from what I've seen here your age is also a factor in this. It seems that when a lot of us hit our mid 30's to 40's we decide we've had enough of being timid and decide we don't really care what anyone thinks, we're darn well going to go our in the world! :-)

[Amber-Sue]

Thank -you to everyone who gave me their suggestions or ideas on how to master the fear and reluctence I felt when I was going to go shopping. I have read each and everyone of your replys and tho I felt some were not helpful you at least took the time to reply and that made me feel like part of this community. Thank you so very much

Hugs to all

Amber

[sandra-leigh]

I applaud Chuck for being true to his own process, but I really can't recommend it for anyone else. I know it wouldn't have worked for me (and still wouldn't).


It worked pretty well for me :thumbsup: I do not recall now: I might have started with those famous 2 AM walks a few times, but literally within weeks of getting the idea of actually wearing womens' clothes, I was out walking through one of the bigger malls in noticeably femme clothes. My memory is a bit fuzzy about what I wore when; it was fall and I probably wore some things underneath my jacket before being bold enough to let them be publicly visibly. I started dressing in early October; before Christmas, I had walked through a large mall in unmistakably women's clothes (long skirt, unambiguous top, hardshell bra), having put my jacket in storage so that I would be completely unhidden, and had tried on blouses (with the SA's active assistance) in the womens' dressing room of a major department store.

That was 2 3/4 years ago, but in the mean-time I have never bothered to study how to take out my wallet or how to talk, or much about how to walk. Am I accepted? Yup, pretty much, even when I wear a skirt in guy mode.

It depends on what your goals are. If your goals are to "pass" as best you absolute can, then Yes, practice the walk and the talk and so on. If your goals are to go out wearing what you like to wear, even if that includes hose and skirts and lipstick, then I'd say that the most important factor is not imitation but rather confidence.

If you can get to the point where you look like you are just going about your business like very other customer, it is amazing how little people care that you are a guy in a dress. It isn't the dress (or skirt or frilly top) that does you in, it is moving wrong, as in acting nervous, staring at the floor, ducking to avoid walking close to people, holding your purse high to hide your chest, and so on. But walk in with your head up like you belong there, smile, talk to the Sales Agents about what you are looking for -- and if anyone pays attention then, it will be to how good you look and how relaxed you are, not to how "weird" you are.

Anecdote: a couple of days ago I was trying on the platform and high shoes in a big sex store, me apparently in drab (but with about B-cup chest visible if the material pulled across my chest.) I knew what I was looking at, knew what I liked and what probably wouldn't work (but tried anyhow), knew what an appropriate heel size should be. It turned out that for the clerk helping me, it was her first day on the upper floor (clothes instead of the toys downstairs.) She remarked to me that she felt me comfortable with me than with any of the other customers she'd had that day. In other words, acceptance often comes down to attitude and personality rather than to what one is wearing -- or how one is speaking, or how one is getting out one's wallet.

Each person must decide for themselves what their goal in going out in public is -- and if the goal is "to be myself", then Chuck's "Just do it!" advice may be more germaine than "baby steps"... for that person (but baby steps might be exactly right for most people.)