Done with therapy

[AmberTG]

Well, my therapist cut me loose this week. I have a follow-up appointment mid October. She said that there isn't anything more that she can do for me at this time, I've met the goals that she was helping me with, my depression is quite manageable now, I have come to a good level of self-acceptance of my gender issues, and because of the "catch 22" of the Harry Benjamin standards, as applied by the V.A. Endocronologist, she can't help me any further with my transition until I'm ready to go full time. She could recommend that I be prescribed HRT, but the Endo in Milwaukee won't prescribe for me unless I'm living full time, according to his case notes in my file.
So, here I am, left to persue HRT on my own still. Oh well, I guess it'll have to do for now. I could go part time, but I don't think I could keep my current job if I was full time and I'm not in a position to change jobs right now, besides the fact that I like my current job.
She had asked me at our second to last appointment how important transition was to me, what was I willing to give up for transition. I still can't answer that question very well, I've sure thought about it enough.
I have a lot of things to do for transition, and very little money to do them with. Transition is not easy when you're broke! I guess I'll just have to deal with it and take one thing at a time.

[Teresa Amina]

Interesting she asked what you're willing to give up when you've already lost so much. Might be a geographic problem, maybe more sympathetic ears are elsewhere?

[melissaK]

She had asked me at our second to last appointment how important transition was to me, what was I willing to give up for transition. I still can't answer that question very well, I've sure thought about it enough.
. . . I guess I'll just have to deal with it and take one thing at a time.

Hmmm. Let me expand on Teresa Amina's thought about what you have already lost. What could one give up? One could give up: untold anxiety; the constant need to battle depression caused by constantly repressing emotions; the inability to be happy for days on end; crying over the emotional pain of an unfulfilling life.

Initially you therapists question made me angry - seems to imply that things have to be "given up." You may have some particular lovers/friends/family/employers drop you like a hot potato, but you have no control over that - that's in their hands, not yours. Hence, they are never really yours to enable you to give them up. But you don't have to give up having a loving relationship, or having understanding and caring friends, or employers who just want honest work for the pay they dole out. Admittedly there are prejudices out there and the numbers of people that can fill these roles will be fewer, but the number isn't zero as is implied by "giving them up."

Had she asked what are you willing to risk, I would have been less upset by the question. I know I am quibbling over the form of the question, and we all know the intent. She wants you to assess what changes you can live with, what you can't.

For me, and I suspect a lot of us, letting go and taking the risks of the changes likely to arise in our life from transisitioning is really hard. It is really hard for me. I have stood and fought ever worsening mental health issues, which all arise from not transitioning.

My counselling has probed why I am so "change adverse." And in my case I think the whys have become known. So my counsellor keeps draggin me through these old childhood traumas in the hopes I can heal those wounds and be less afraid of changing my circumstances, for any reason - including many changes way under the level of change transitioning would bring.

Well I am really glad to hear you are staying level headed and going a day at a time rather than panicing over it all.

hugs,
'lissa

[Sharon]

Kehleyr is right, find yourself another endocrinologist. There are many who don't transition, if at all, until well after they begin hormone therapy. Each endocrinologist has their own standards, but having a letter from your therapist stating that you are TG should be enough for many.

[AmberTG]

Hi ladies, thanks for all the replies! To answer the last comment first, I know that the V.A. Endo is just applying his own opinion of the standards to my case. According to his notes in my file, he doesn't think I'm not ready for hormones because I haven't shown enough urgency in my need to transition. I'm not in a hurry to schedule SRS, I'm not living full time, and I haven't attempted to do something stupid like self castration, for instance. I believe his information and criteria are outdated, but I can't force him to do something he's not willing to do. I've been going through the V.A. system because it's my only choice financially so I'm stuck with it for now. Like most everything else, this too shall pass.
I started electrolysis way before I started on my own HRT, I knew that had to be done, and the sooner the better. I can only afford 2 hours per month so It's going slow. This is part of what the therapist was talking about when she asked me what I'd be willing to give up. It was partly a practical question.
She knows my situation, we've talked about enough. One of my biggest hurdles is financial and she knows that. Transition is expensive. I could sell everything I own and not have enough money for SRS so that's not a realistic expectation, no matter how I might feel about it. FFS is also expensive, although I don't know how necessary that might be. The one surgery I do need is a trachial shave, it's big enough to be an obvious identifier. That's probably doable eventually.
Part of the "what am I willing to give up" question was about finances, part was about people and location. Where I live would not be a very good place to transition, it's a small town. We talked about the possibility of the need to move to continue transition, am I willing to do that? Coming out at work and risking job loss, am I willing to do that?
I've already given up my second marriage, although there wasn't much to give up there, I couldn't give her the amount of sex she needs so she found someone else who could. She wants to be with a real man, I'm not. Shit happens!
I haven't told my 2 kids yet, but I'm pretty sure my son knows, he's been in my computer enough times to see what's in it. My kids have been a bit distant from me for some years now, thanks to their mother, my first wife, there was lots of things she didn't like about me back when her and I divorced.
So, on that front, there's not really too much to give up.
I know this sounds like a lot of whining but these are all things that I've had to deal with with my therapist over the course of therapy and I'm actually pretty well adjusted to most of it, there are things that a person just has to accept so they can move forward with their life, don't live in the past! The only thing that bums me out a lot is my kids' attitude toward me. I know there are a number of people here who are also dealing with that, and I really do understand how you feel.
I intend to continue my gradual transition and do as much as I can with what I have. Meanwhile, it's time to start selling stuff I don't need or can do without. What am I willing to give up for my transition? How important is it to me? I guess I'm gonna find out.

[Stephenie S]

Amber, sweetie, Dump your endo!

You are NOT locked into this outdated concept. He is living in the past. The HBSOC do not specify that you be full time before HRT, In fact, this is cruel and unusual. You need a different guy. There are others in your area.

Another route would be to pay for the HRT your self. It's not that expensive. I pay for mine because I do not want the HRT to go through my wife's insurance plan. My spiro and estrogen costs at the beginning were CHEAP! I got them from an offshore pharmacy for $60 for a three month suply. That's $20 per month, and $5 per week. We can spend that on a late grande from Starbucks. This has gotten a bit more as I increase the dosage, but still remains very easy to afford. Both of these meds are inexpensive because they are so common. Women all over the world use estrogen for HRT and birth control, and spiro is a common blood pressure medication.

If you can get a scipt from a different doctor, both spiro and estrogen are on the Wal-Mart $4 per month plan. That's $8 a month!!!

Don't let gatekeepers stand in your way.

You could also ask your therapist if he/she thinks you are using this to avoid transition. It is a good excuse, you know. Oh gee, I just can't because . . . whatever.

Anyway, hon, if you want it bad enough, you will find a way.

Lovies,
Stephenie

[tall_brianna]

"But I am living full time." That is what I said to my therapist when she asked about my thoughts on going full time. "...I have been for several months." Of course I was sitting across from her presenting my latest line in the sand attempt at boy mode. She pointed out that, at best, my current presentation was androgynous and that people would be more likely to take me for a man. That's their mistake and problem IMHO. Look closely and I'm real and true to myself. Full time. Yeah, my appearance may be toned down and I'd like to take it further and say wear a skirt to work, but I choose not to so as to be taken seriously and be effective at my job. "..not much unlike many career woman." She added. Fortunately I work in a jeans and t-shirt casual office environment where I'm constantly pushing the gender envelope. I think I'd be deeply depressed if I had to wear a suit and tie all day, but then again many people have to wear uniforms that they may not like.

The therapist completely bought that argument but she sounds more more progressive than yours.

I'm guessing your decision to stick with the VA endo is financial. It sounds like a second opinion is in order. It's good to hear that your depression is under control though. Be as real as you can be and I think it will stay under control.

:hugs:

-b

[AmberTG]

An update, the strangest thing happened today. I got a letter in the mail from the V.A. hospital in Milwaukee about calling them to set a date for the appointment for the Endocronologist. I was unaware that an appointment had been setup for me, so I can only figure that it was at the suggestion of my therapist, or it's a follow-up from the last appointment about 6 months ago.
I'll make that call and see what happens. I do have a bit of upper development to show him this time, plus I know that the "boys" have shrunk a bit more, a question he had asked me about last time.
I guess I'll see what happens.