need advice with SO

[casey01]

I don't post here often at all so I need to give you my back ground first. I love wearing womens clothes but due to certain circumstances I only wear panties and bras and yes would love to do more. My SO thinks it is disguisting and does not support it all.
A while back I opened up to her and told her about it, she didn't say much so I went and bought about 6 bras and panties. I would wear the bras when I got off work and nothing was really said. After a while we were talking about it and thats when she told me she does not like it so I threw everything away. Now its to the point its all I think about everytime, I go somewhere I have to walk by the womens clothing.
My questions is this, for those of you that are going through similiar situations
how do you cope with the denial from your SO? Mine says she thinks its disguisting and does not even want to know any more than she already knows about it (which is very little)
I don't want to go behiind her back and do it. I want to be able to go shopping for the both of us for to get excited about it and want it.
Any advice will be helpfull.
Thanks, Casey

[Missy Anne]

I don't know how serious your relationship is, but it sounds like a pending serious compatibility problem with future implications.

Missy Anne

[JenniferR771]

She told you--i think--it is a don't ask--don't tell situation. She doesn't want to hear about it. Same as my situation. Not ideal. Could be worse.

I try to treat Janice with respect. Try not to lie to her-- anymore. She found the dresses in the back corner of my closet--has threatened to discard them. But so far has not. If she thinks I have been shopping--she doesn't ask where or what I bought.

[melissacd]

If you can accept the situation then leave things as they are. I suspect the reason you are posting is because you cannot. I was not able to do that either. Try your best to communicate with her openly, honestly and clearly. Be prepared with answers to all her questions. Try to understand why it disgusts her and work with her through her truth. Her point of view, her truth is as valid to her as your dressing is to you.

Hopefully, there will be some movement over time. In some cases it is more than a spouse can deal with and so then you reach a point where you give it up (unlikely), accept the way things are (difficult) or move on (what I am in the process of doing).

Each of us has our own unique journey to travel, for each of us cross dressing holds a unique value. For some it defines who we are and so cannot be compromised (my case) for others it is less important than our relationship. For some, because of love, it works out to some level that is workable for all and in other cases it will never work out and you have to know when to cut bait.

I wish you the best on that journey, it is not an easy one, however, it is one full of learning.

Huggs
Melissa

[Charity's GG]

How long have yall been together?? It takes ALOT! of communication, time and MORE communication. Good luck.::hugs:

[vikki2020]

When I told my wife, about 2 months ago, she said she was ok with it, but not real thrilled with the idea.As time went on, I see she has been really not ok with it.As some very smart people here have told me, go slow,don't push, and let her go at her own pace. They were right.

[joann426]

casey i have the same problem i wear my bras arround the house and she dont like it but she dont say a thing and she seen all of my clothes and jewley and purses and still dont say any to me so if u do it just dont be afraid of no one not even her cause u are what u are u like dressing up just do it and be the women with pride

[ubokvt]

Don't flaunt it, but don't Hide it. Buy yourself one or two, only, items to keep the desire in check. If the drive/desire goes unmet you will go crazy and self destruct the relationship and if you push it in her face it will have the same effect, try the middle of the road approach. Try to keep you drive in check while trying to open comunication to talk openly about what each can accept and do. Be open to compromise and the outcome of not being able to share it with her. She needs time. Be her man while being your woman

[Ema1234 GG]

You can't make someone support you, that has to come from within. What you can do is make it easier for her though. If you hide it all away and never mention it again then things will never change. She's made her feelings on the matter quite clear, she doesn't like it so I very much doubt she will make any kind of effort to allow you to dress. This is something that you need to do yourself, don't expect a whole lot of help from her. It's up to you to take the first steps.

She may never accept it, but from what she's said she hasn't asked you to stop outright. She just doesn't want to take any part in it, that doesn't mean you can't CD. You'l find many SO's are like this. You need to talk to her a lot more about this so you can both talk about how you really feel.

Of course, we can only go off what you've posted here and only you know what she's said and how you feel about it. The best advice I can give is to talk to her about it if you want her to take an active role in your CDing but don't expect miracles. Good luck.

[Angie G]

I think the best you can hope for is to be accepted if you can get her to look into the subject she mostlikly will never be excited about it hun :hugs:
Angie

[Sheri 4242]

. . . I only wear panties and bras and yes would love to do more. My SO thinks it is disguisting and does not support it all . . . (my) questions is this, for those of you that are going through similiar situations how do you cope with the denial from your SO?

First, IMHO it doesn't sound like your wife is in any kind of "denial." She has, according to what you say, a very good idea of what is going on and has plainly, clearly, and without ambiguity expressed her feelings!!! I don't think she is in "denial" at all!!!

(You should) leave things as they are. I suspect the reason you are posting is because you cannot.

The central thing that seems to be subtending your thread is how to overcome her feelings on the subject . . . now that is "denial" -- your denial -- but I say this in trying to offer sound advice to help you!!!


. . . i have the same problem i wear my bras arround the house and she dont like it but she dont say a thing . . .

First, it sounds like Casey's situation is different than yours. You do what you want and you know your wife doesn't like it, but you also knows she isn't going say anything. Second, we often talk about taking "baby steps," and establishing boundaries until a comfort level is reached and the can be adjusted or modified. Well, I don't know if this will work or not, but here's a suggestion based on my own experiences. Years ago, my then wife-to-be was very accepting except for one thing -- she had a problem with me wearing bras!!! (Actually, panties were the easiest -- my exclusively wearing them never bothered her.) Anyway, in baby-step fashion, with our talks becoming more open, she asked that I not wear bras. I reluctantly agreed -- but this was a major disappointment b/c wearing bras was/is VERY important to me!!! Anyway, I kept trying to "sneak" bras in, and she'd tell me she just plainly didn't like me wearing them.

(I even recall one rather humorous disagreement we had -- I had bought a couple of what the Victoria Secret catalogue called "braletts." My wife said they were still bras, period!!! I said if they were really bras, then the VS catalogoue would call them bras.) Well, I had to be patient -- but one day, after she had grown in acceptance, I opened up and told her that wearing a bra was VERY, VERY, VERY important to me -- that it was a significant part of what made me feel truly girly!!!!!!! My wife thought on this for awhile -- you've got to allow your spouse "thinking time" and not demand instant answers -- and finally she said words that made me very happy: "okay -- I guess I am starting to get it -- maybe you think of it as part of the "total package" look, but whatever, I'm starting to understand, so go ahead and wear them."

Her ONE stipulation was that I NOT wear a bra when we made love. Well, compromise being another essential component, I said okay. Since I usually sleep in a bra, I'd take it off if we got frisky!!!

Well, as the years have passed -- and as we both have grown in comprehension -- it has gotten to the point that many times I don't have to take it off when things are getting frisky (and I'll admit I LOVE wearing them when we make love)!!! We've both grown and boundaries have been mutually moved -- sometimes without even having to talk about it.

My point??? Well just as an example, maybe your wife could adapt to your wearing bikini panties that were, for now, not over the top: nylon, but not lacey -- not pink or flowery -- not over the top. (Again, this is an example.) So, for now, that's what you wear around her!!! (Wear bras privately for awhile!!!) Give it time -- if you aren't communicating well, who knows, maybe its about the bras?! Maybe it is about pink lacey thongs?! The bottom line is for you to be proactive!!! Take baby steps -- be VERY patient!!! Maybe she'll calm down in a couple of months if you are just doing the panties?! Then, after awhile (time & patience, gf) open a dialogue about something you'd like to progress on -- like maybe bras. Patiently and lovingly explain your feelings -- then be patient for a longer period if need be!!! You see, from the sounds of it, you are forcing things to be "in her face" and that isn't a winning strategy. It takes patience -- and working on comfort levels and boundaries!!! (By the way, my wife even buys me bras from time-to-time -- I usually buy my own. But, the other day, VS was having a sale and -- although she says I have 25 times the number of bras than her, she came home with a "prize" for me: 4 new bras!!! And, 10 new pairs of panties -- which I also usually buy for myself. We've noted that I don't even own a single pair of men's underwear anymore -- and it doesn't matter anymore to either of us who happens to see, like when going to the doctor for a shot!!!


PS: take some time and find the "boundaries" series of books -- especially the first one and the relationship one, and the one for married couples. Read, read, read!!!

[Lori SC]

:iagree: Yeah, what Sheri said.

But one thing that cannot be stressed enough, is to talk to your SO. Talk, talk, and then more talk. Believe it or not, a woman will say one thing, but may really be feeling something else entirely. You need to really understand her views on things. SHeri alluded to this too concerning the bra story.

A lot of talking gives you a chance to express to her how you feel, and how important (or not) things are to you. Of course, you have to be willing to open up to her, and she has to be willing to talk about the subject.

Lastly, there is the familiarity factor. The more things are discussed, the more comfortable your SO will be about whatever. And the more comfort she has, allows you greater freedom!

Hugs, Lori

[rhayna]

I agree with those who suggest going slow and continue to communicate. For what it’s worth: I was married for a long time to a great woman. When I came out to her there was no earthquake or revelation. However, she didn’t want to have anything to do with my CD. She indulged me occasionally, but it was not much fun for me or her. After we divorced I conceded some of her points. She said she didn’t feel like a woman. She always wondered if she wore a nightgown to bed if it was something I wished I was wearing, and she just could not get past it. She suggested that if she were wanting to dress and act like a lumberjack- that quite possibly I might feel the same way.

Everyone is different. But perhaps if you could show her and tell her that it is not a distraction from your feelings for her, she may eventually see it as her gain, not her loss. Try to find a way to make her feel empowered where she has some control- like inviting you to have a girl’s night when she is in the mood.

I offer you that suggestion because my ex-wife mentioned it to me. When I started out a new relationship- this worked very well and built a very solid basis for our relationship that included the CD component as an integral part. 2 cents

[TerriM]

As you can see there is no clear cut answer. What is right for me may no be right for you. My wife after 25yrs of knowing, still wants no part of my femme side. We have a good marriage, at least I think so. But you have to decide what you can live with.

Yours terri

[teresa jeen]

my advice would to take things slow and easy. let her know your not turning gay but that its a dressup thing. tell her how much you enjoy the fashions and what particular items you like to wear and why.then i would try and get a good thread from archives(maybe someone knows one?) that would let her understand where most of us come from. :hugs:

[psion128]

Now is your SO just a girlfriend or what? Depending on how far the relationship is maybe I could give better advice. But with my 2cents, if she is outright rejecting the whole idea. Talk it out with her. If things can not be smoothed out, then you might have to decide if she is worth dropping CDing all together. Its your life. You choose how to run it.

[Mitch23]

Sheri sums it up very well. My wife has been going in to periods of denial - she's not aware of it so it's not happening. Then something happens that makes her realise it is happening so she gets huffy, then we come round and we move on a little bit. Saw that prog about Lucy the 18 year old trans sexual (in the UK) the other night and she watched it all. She was quite emotional after - she's realising that this thing is for life not another of my silly little hobbies. Sometimes she wants to talk and some times she doesn't but she's moving ever so slightly towards tolerance and acceptance. She's a lovely woman and it's hard for her - but I've got to stick up for myself as well

Mitch

[kittypw GG]

Casey, this may or may not help but here goes...........

First of all gg's have a hard time understanding why in the world someone would WANT to wear a bra if they didn't have to. Women in general don't have big attachments to their breasts, in fact they get in the way. It is men who are attached to them. A lot of women with large breasts hate them all the more because you can't just get those cute bra and panty sets you see in the adds because they don't have them in huge sizes. Picking out and finding the right bra that fits is stressful and you certainly don't want to see your husband wearing thoes cute sets when you can't.

Secondly, and this is how I feel. I really don't like it when my hubby mixes male and female. I prefer to keep things separate. I don't wnat to see him with a bra under his nike t-shirt. It is more because I am uncomfortable with the idea that he might be a transexual more than just a crossdresser. I find that I am more accepting of it being a fantasy/fetish thing and look at it as a "pretend" thing. If it starts to cross the line into "reality" then I get more and more uncomfortable. I hope this makes a little sense.

It is very hard to make sense of this whole lifestyle, being married to a crossdresser is certainly not the norm and your wife just can't ask her girlfriends in casual conversation "so what do you do when Norm just won't take off his bra?" Communication of your intentions and keeping her informed about how you feel about crossdressing and what it REALLY means to you are paramount to getting her to feel more comfortable with the life that you wnat to lead. Remember she is a partner and comprimise is very important. We also don't want to reach some form of acceptance only to have the rug pulled out from under our feet. It takes time and a lot of patients. It helps if you put yourself in her shoes and think about how you would react in a particular situation.

Lastly, don't ask what you could not give yourself.

:hugs: Kitty

[GlitterGG]

Casey, why does your SO think it's disgusting? Is it because she can't understand how in the world you think that looking feminine or sexy is fun and relaxing? Or is it because she has definite ideas of 'gender appropriate' clothing? You may want to sit down with her (when she is willing/wanting) and find out.

Has she asked you the questions that SOs usually ask when they have first been told? If she hasn't, she may still be trying to wrap her mind around a few things. Lots of communication is going to be the key. She may just want to ask you a question in the middle of the day, get an answer, and leave it be for a while, without getting into a long conversation about it. Baby steps.

Also, and always keep this in mind, you've had (from the sound of your post) quite some time to get used to this. In that time you've been able to come to terms with it in your head and your heart. You CAN NOT expect her to come to terms with things immediately. She may very well need a lot more time than you did.

I hope everything works out for you, sweetie.:hugs:

[Sheri 4242]

Lots of communication is going to be the key. She may just want to ask you a question in the middle of the day, get an answer, and leave it be for a while, without getting into a long conversation about it. Baby steps.

Glitter is speaking a truism that is frequent. In general, GM have a "lecture" mentality. Someone asks a yes or no question, and instead of giving just that, a half hour latter the GM is "still giving his pitch." Often, you need to answer the question, then let the person who asked it take all the time they need to absorb it. They may then want a confirmation of this point or that -- or they may move on to a new question. Their thought process may be lengthy, especially when it comes to CDing as it is a concept they may have never previously thought about, while you have thought about it for years and years, if not an entire lifetime!

Look at a question as a good attorney does!!! I ask, "do you know what time it is?" What would you do? What would most people do? Look at their watch and say it's Ten O'Clock.

The answer to the question I asked, presuming they have a watch or clock, should simply be, "yes."

Learn to answer what you are asked, then wait for however long you need to for the other person to wrap their minds around things!!!

(See what I mean about "lecture mentality?" :lol2: What have I just done but get on a soap box!!! Of course, I've got good reason to be this way!!! :D )

[casey01]

Thanks for all the replies and advice and each one you added a very important factor that was unigue from each other. Thank you.

She is my wife and we have been together about 5 years, I have been feeling like dressing for years but never understood, thought it was more a fantasy/fetish type deal I was going through. She feels betrayed because I should have told her before we got married. I simply told her I didn't know what was going on and didn't know why i was having these feelings.
As for what I do next is still to be determined. Leaving her, in my eyes is not an option I married her with the intent of forever being forever not 6 years and I'm out. Once again thanks for all your support and wish me luck.

[hunny67]

I really feel for you. my partner is a cd & i love him to bits, I love spending time with him dressed as a woman. we have just spent a whole week together as him being female & making love to her is amazing. We have lots of fun together. your wife needs to lighten up & accept you for what you are. its not disgusting at all. PLEASE dont stop dressing up.

[Sweet Jane]

hmmm....my thoughts on this is that you will not change deep ingrained perceptions your SO has about CDs, so really it will only cause grief to try to do that. She knows you dress, so my advice would be to continue discreetly without forcing it upon your partner......sometimes life can be something less than we would like, so make the best of it, and be considerate of others feelings...