13yr old daughter

[ubokvt]

I need some advice from those that have walked this path. I have a 7th grade step daughter. I am fairly sure she is aware I dress. In the past six months she has been making coments/challengening/teasing about the possibility of me wearing womens clothes. The other day we were shopping for school clothes and I asked her if she knew anything about shrugs or Bolero jackets. Her respose was "Why do you want one for you self" fallowed by "Do you want to wear one." Up to this point I have just let it lie and not responded to the challege. I don't want to lie to her. But that day she did it in frount of a neighbors daughter who just smirked. I think I need to talk to my daughter. Any ideas or advice,

[AmberTG]

Well, all I can say is "good luck!" She's at that age where they start to become terribly rude at the mall when they "clock" someone, the dreaded teens that we fear!
I wish I had some good advice for you, but I didn't have to deal with that. I guess you need to start by finding out her attitude about it, and if she knows about you in any way.
Personally, I'd have made a joke of it when she asked if you "wanted one for yourself", but then, that's just me. I'd have gone right over the top there and started talking about matching skirts and shoes and really hammed it up.

[rachel_rachel]

Tell her to pull her head in or you'll smack her arse until her nose bleeds.

[Annesah]

I totally agree with Amber. Why not make it fun? Next time she asks tell her "you know, of course, I'd love to wear one and you are very perceptive and have good fashion sense. Would you be willing to help me choose a color?"

[Angie G]

Never been there hun good luck:hugs:
Angie

[Stephenie S]

I need some advice from those that have walked this path. I have a 7th grade step daughter. I am fairly sure she is aware I dress. In the past six months she has been making coments/challengening/teasing about the possibility of me wearing womens clothes. The other day we were shopping for school clothes and I asked her if she knew anything about shrugs or Bolero jackets. Her respose was "Why do you want one for you self" fallowed by "Do you want to wear one." Up to this point I have just let it lie and not responded to the challege. I don't want to lie to her. But that day she did it in frount of a neighbors daughter who just smirked. I think I need to talk to my daughter. Any ideas or advice,

Dear Ubok,

Well, as we have discussed this before, you pretty much know how I feel about this already, so I may not be the best one to answer you here. But that never stopped me in the past, did it?

Of course she knows. You know it, her mother knows it, and I know it.

The comfort level that she displays with this is completely determined by YOUR comfort level with it. She is going to be just as relaxed as you are. But she IS a teenager. She is VERY perceptive, and her hypocricy detector is set on full. Also, as long as she thinks that you are HIDING something, she has a great deal of power, real or perceived, over you.

We both know that "smacking her arse" isn't gonna work, even if her mother would let you do such a thing, and even if we think that, as a smart alecky kid, she may deserve it. She is, under that smart aleck exterior, a very intelligent and loving kid. Look at her mother.

So, what do you do? As you already know, I think you have to tell her. And you have to let her know that this is not something you are ashamed of. And now, here comes the hypocricy question. If you are ashamed of what you are doing, why are you doing it? She is going to want to know that. How can you answer this? Figure this out, hon, and I think ya got your answer. Maybe your wife can help here. I think you probably need to do this together. Present a united front, so to speak. You are both going to have to SHOW your daughter that what you are doing is not a shamefull activity.

You know as well as I do that there is nothing wrong with what you are doing. We both know, however, that many people, especially in a small northern town, may not share that view. I suspect that, apart from your exposure to school age children, that you would find those people to be more accepting than you think. Notice that I did not say approving, I said accepting. Vermont, as with most of New England, has a strong component of live and let live. "I'll leave you alone as long as you leave me alone", is not just a cute saying here. Vermonters pride themselves on their ability to "put up" with weirdos, from summer people from NYC to hippies from whatever rock they climbed out from under. Your own situation has some other concerns which you need to address. Perhaps you will need to quit your part time job for the time being.

I am sure that as long as you want to continue with this activity, you are going to have to share it with your daughter. You will not have to dress in front of her. I think that is probably not such a good idea. But she HAS to know that you do it without guilt or shame. Otherwise, what kind of an example of adult maturity are you setting for her? Do you want her to grow up thinking that guilt and shame are acceptable components of adulthood? Of course you don't.

You can quit CDing untill she grows up and leaves the house, or you can share the fact that you CD without guilt and shame with her. I see no other solutions.

Now, in the interests of fair disclosure, I have to say that I did not do this in my life. I tried to hide this activity from both my children when they were teenagers. So this is an example of "Do as I say, not as I do". I think I told you about the time my daughter and son both broke into the locked trunk in our bedroom. My daughter told me this story years later. They were both extremely disapointed to find that the locked trunk held only women's clothes. I never found out about this untill she told me. During that whole period of time, I never dressed at home, or even NEAR home. It was always far away. I have not told her yet, although I know I will have to at some point. Perhaps I will find out she already knows. She is also a very perceptive and intelligent woman.

If I could snap my fingers and solve your problem I would do that for you. I can't. But I hope I have provided you, and others here, with some ideas.

Lovies,
Stephenie

PS, we are still trying to set up that dinner thing. The dining room is finally back together so there is one less obstruction

[KandisTX]

I need some advice from those that have walked this path. I have a 7th grade step daughter. I am fairly sure she is aware I dress. In the past six months she has been making coments/challengening/teasing about the possibility of me wearing womens clothes. The other day we were shopping for school clothes and I asked her if she knew anything about shrugs or Bolero jackets. Her respose was "Why do you want one for you self" fallowed by "Do you want to wear one." Up to this point I have just let it lie and not responded to the challege. I don't want to lie to her. But that day she did it in frount of a neighbors daughter who just smirked. I think I need to talk to my daughter. Any ideas or advice,

Um.. How about talking with her mother first to make sure it's okay to broach this subject with her. I had the same situation with my daughter, as she is really my step-daughter, I had to have permission from her father and mother (GlitterGG) before we could discuss this with her.

The important thing to remember is like has been said many times, children are very perceptive, and you cannot hide from children for too long. If she does know, she may be trying to bring you around to telling her, maybe she does want to help you, or just be able to talk to you about it. You will never know unless you figure out what you should do. My advice is talk to her mother and get her thoughts in this matter.

Kandis:love:

[RobertaFermina]

I think finding ways to play with the question could defuse any possible unpleasantness * without laying it plain or dressing in front of her *.

Also, I'd ask her mother (or whomever most closely performs that role) what she thinks. I'd like an ally.


I don't like to create worry, however, some teenagers will greet your trust with further punishment, enjoying the power of lording tender secrets over peers or adults. You know if she is this kind of girl, don't you ?


:rose: Roberta :rose:

[Jennifer in CO]

don't you love those little surprises your children throw at you? Our oldest daughter was about that age when out of the blue she asked "Mom...why is daddy wearing your clothes?" Talk about surprised. We had no clue she had developed a fashion sense overnight. Up to that time, I wore exclusively womens jeans, slacks, tops...everything just still presenting a male image for work. Very few items I had were "girly" to keep any visual reference from registering wrong. But...leave it to a teenage girl to have the keen eye.

I hadn't bought anything from a mens dept for over 5 years. Talk about hard to do!! As the 2nd one approached that age we just didn't go there and stayed in the mens dept. Fortunately, she didn't develope such a fashion sense (she is a jeans and t-shirt gal...except for work) so I have started to revert to the ladies dept over the last year or so. Its nice to have clothes that fit again!!

For anyone, you need to decide just how "honest" your going to be with your children. Do you keep this side of you in the closet, in the drawer, or hanging in the doorjamb next to put on for all to see? You know your child and if your a watchful parent will have learned what you can, can't and/or shouldn't say/do in front of them. Some will have no problem with anything you do. Some will have no problem with anything you do but will tell the world if given half the chance. The list goes on. If you dont know your child in this manner, your missing a whole part of their growing up that you can mold for the future.

Be a part of your childs life...and they can be a part of yours (in a good way)

Jenn

[lynnrichards]

My daughters were 12 and 15 when they broke into a locked suitcase I kept in my closet and discovered my secret stash. This was just a week before they were to begin living with me and three years after my divorce from their mother. I knew that this was the work of one or both of my daughters, because I found a couple of items in the bottom of the closet of the bedroom they used when they would visit me.

About a week later, after they had moved in with me, I sat them down for a talk. I explained rather straight-forwardly that I had been cross-dressing since I was about four years old. I simply said that, although I did not know why, I had a very real need to do this. I also pointed out that their invasion of my privacy forced me to have to tell them at this time. They apoligized for that intrusion and then began to ask a host of questions, which I answered honestly. They wanted to know if Mom knew (yes), did my friends know (yes, all my close friends), did I want to have a sex change (no) and many other detailed questions.

At the end of the conversation, they said they were relieved, actually; they had speculated (jokingly/fearfully) that I might have "killed someone". After that, the older daughter was curious to see me dressed and we went out together one halloween. My younger daughter said that she wouldn't want to see me dressed, but if she accidentally did, she would just say 'Hi!' and leave it at that. Of course, I was afraid of how they would react to my disclosure; but, it really worked to diffuse the tension and allowed us to become closer and live together until they grew up, went to college and eventually got married and had families of their own. I think it taught us to be honest with one another and respect an individual's right to privacy.

On the first father's day after my younger daughter got married, she and her husband gave me a beautiful pair of errrings as a present. This was their way of telling me that they loved me and respected my right (and need) to cross dress.

I think you and your wife should have an honest talk with your 12-year old without delay. It worked for me and my children.

Lynn

[Stephenie S]

Yeah, what she said.

Steph

[Robin Leigh]

In the past six months she has been making coments/challengening/teasing about the possibility of me wearing womens clothes. The other day we were shopping for school clothes and I asked her if she knew anything about shrugs or Bolero jackets. Her respose was "Why do you want one for you self" fallowed by "Do you want to wear one."My intuition tells me that your stepdaughter knows you CD, but she's not sure of the extent. And I bet the CDing itself isn't the main issue for her, but whether you have the courage to tell her about it, and trust her with this sensitive information.

Good luck, ubokvt

:hugs:

Robin

[BarbaraTalbot]

Our 12 year old daughter comes off a little ditzy at times but she is incredibly perceptive at times, and then at times not.

She keeps coming into our room and borrowing Barbara's shoes. Fortunately, she has chalked up any difference in sizes to the variance in womens shoes. Dee is an 8-9, I am a 9-10 depending on the maker.

Our 8 year old boy has long loved clumping around in mom's shoes. Since I started dressing a couple of months ago, he goes straight to the rack and picks out specifically Barbara's shoes over moms. I am so proud. And disturbed.

The very pretty 10 year old is devoutly committed to her very long hair (modeled after Nirvana era Dave Grohl, not Barbie) and to avoiding all things 'girly'.

[Sharon]

To me it would depend on the maturity level of the daughter. Judging by the comments she has made in front of others, I'm not sure she is ready to be told yet if you wish to remain in the closet to the rest of yours and her acquaintances.

Of course, there is always the possibility that she will respond well to you if you confirmed her suspicions and explained why it is important that she honor your need for discretion. How has she dealt with confidences in the past? Is she capable of maintaining a secret if asked?

[Lori SC]

Dear Ubok,

Of course she knows. You know it, her mother knows it, and I know it.

The comfort level that she displays with this is completely determined by YOUR comfort level with it. She is going to be just as relaxed as you are. But she IS a teenager. She is VERY perceptive, and her hypocricy detector is set on full. Also, as long as she thinks that you are HIDING something, she has a great deal of power, real or perceived, over you.


I'll agree with a common element on many of the posts. Since this is your step daughter, you have to involve your wife when telling her. And you have to tell her somehow.

Chances are she already has told some of her friends. And who knows what she thinks of the whole thing. Since teens hate anything that doesn't conform to their group standard, I'm guessing it ain't pretty.

Do your best, but as a step-dad, you may not get any respect no matter what you do or don't do (And this has nothing to do with CDing either).

One final thought about power.. You have sooo much power over your daughter, it's unbelievable. If you just realize it.

What is the one, worst thing that you can do to a teen? Why, be embarased by their parents of course! Now, this may make the teen hate you, and should not be done on purpose, but the perceived threat is greater than the actual use... Do you see the point?

Hugs, Lori

[Michelia]

But from the beginning (about a year ago) I let both my kids know. My son is 7 and my stepdaughter is now 11. I have never hidden anything from them and answer all their questions honestly.

They see me dressed often enough. My girl loves that her daddy will buy her girly things and can shop with her. My boy likes to see me dressed but he does not like shopping!

But it all depends on your relationship with them and your wife. There was never any question for either of us that we had to tell the kids. That is the way our family operates. We respect their privacy and they respect ours. What goes on in our house does not go out of our house. We never talk about the things the kids pull on us to others.

By now they are so used to it, it really does not get talked about much. It is more like an activity we all share in. The same as going bike riding, or playiong soccer, or whatever.

Also, I strive to keep it all in a healthy balance and under control.

I say you have a tough choice ahead. But not telling her may be the worst. You will have to work on that relationship and tighten it up. If she likes you and needs you, and if you share your life with her as a real daddy also it will probably work. Kids need parents. So many of us are just not there enough.

Michelia

[Claudia Zylindrias]

Having 3 daughters and two sons ranging in ages from 12 down to 6. The things that works best and you can look into your own childhood experences for guidance as well. Kids have a need and a desire to be told the complete true. Abiet sometimes in small doses. There things that are private, aka your CDing, her secret crushes, mom's whatever. Give them the point directly do not back down but try not to be defensive or offensive simpling stright to the point. As long as some form of mutual respect was established with her before this episode then you should be fine. If not then your going to have a long hard battle or you can stop CDing till she moves out. Be careful and there has been some great posts in this thread, use the advise you deem best.

[Kristen Marie]

I have two grown daughters and it was not until they were out of the house that I decided to make Kristen a little more visible. The younger of the two is way too perceptive so I never bring up women's clothing, shoes, etc. unless someone else does.

For example, my wife was looking for her lipstick the other day and found it on an end table. My daughter was visiting at the time. My wife said, hey, what's my lipstick doing over here? Then she turned to me and asked, did you put it there? Have you been using it? I looked up calmly at her and her lipstick and said, No, it's not my color.

My daughter roared and said "good one dad". Nothing more was said, and while I know she does not know, if I ever said anything to knowledgable about her Steve Madden shoes, her Coach bag or OPI nail polish, she'd be all over me.

It's one hurdle I'm not trying to get over right now......just go easy is my advice.

[Darla in Pa.]

I wish you luck but am afraid that this is only the start. Teenagers have no sense of anything except themselves. Darla

[Kimberley]

Tweenies... arghhhh! Been there and for the next 7 or 8 years their heads go on vacation.

So she knows. I would ask her exactly what the point of her comments are? Are they to make her feel superior by putting someone down? Is casting this sort of opinion or comment going to help or hurt someone? Is the intention to hurt? The list could go on but I think the idea is there.

This shouldnt be about gender, it is about her behaviour. Deal with that then deal with gender. Remember, she is still a child regardless of what she thinks so here is a golden opportunity to be a parent in a positive light and deliver a lesson in morality at the same time.

Good luck.

:hugs:
Kimberley

[Tamara Croft]

Sounds like she knows something and is waiting for you to bite. If I were you, I'd have a chat with her mum first... teenagers can be little angels... but can be evil little buggers too... I know... I have 3 of them :eek:

[ubokvt]

I am sorry it has taken this long for me to get back to you on this. First, thank you all for the wonderful insights and advice. It seems every time I'd sit to write this thank you, another of you would pop in with some wonderful advice or insight, and I'd stopped to think about it. My wife and I have disscussed this at length, and she has sat here next to me reading your posts and disscussing each with me. We are both aware this is an issue we have to face, and the leasons we will teach our Daughter are profound, so we want to do the best we can. And although we agree the time is coming we both agree we don't have all the answers. So thank you, and if you have more on building trust, honesty and openess with teens in a family, would you kindly share. Sara

[Marcie Sexton]

In my opinion I'd let sleeping dogs lay...Let the comments pass with out comment...

or you could take the offensive...while shopping for her clothes, pick an article up and ask her how you would look in that...the ****tier the better too, the more obvious, the less believable...

how ever you would perfer to approach the situation...

[tammie]

Hi Everyone: Ubokvt, here is certainly a challenge. Yes she knows and yes she has told some if not all her friends.

It sounds like she in not close to U, and she doesn't respect U or she wouldn't out U to her friends and say hurtful things to U in front of them.

As someone else stated, by admitting it and telling her U dress in womens clothes sometimes U do take away her power. Also do give your SO a heads up about what is going on.

I know I would want to say some hateful shit right back to her, but I am not in you rposition of having her in my home and linked to her forever by marriage.

Do be advised that whatever U say can do major unrepairable damage to her, and your relationship with her. At her age kids R so very overwhelmed with self consciousness they R almost overcome by it.

When U tell her that U like to "crossdress" ask her how she feels about it? Ask her if any of her friends have confided that thy do it? Assure her some do and ask her to look for signs and see if she can guess. (interactive)

Last good luck to U and don't let this be a bigger issue than it should be for you and your SO. If your stepdaughter can't accept it, its because of some other issue she either doesn't understand or won't espress to U or her mother.