I'm out and lost

[Maggie Kay]

My wife and I had the big discussion this morning. It is finally done. We have come to the understanding that I am a woman. She and I have agreed to remain friends and still live together but in separate accommodations. I will not be in the same bed as her again, ever. Twenty two years and now we are to live as to women friends with separate bedrooms and no physical contact. Not even a kiss or to hold hands. She said that she always wondered about my manhood and that I was never anywhere near as manly as her ex. True, I was the mom at home with our child while she went to work. Kinda hard to be manly in that role. I fought to be a man for her but lost that battle.
In an instant we became strangers. She will never think of me as a man again. As I am a lesbian and she is not, she wants total privacy as thinking of a woman in love with her is not wanted. We are to hide this situation from our daughter and pretend to sleep together. She will sit in a chair in my bedroom until an hour or so then go to her room for the rest of the night. Until today, she would be next to me in bed holding hands until I fell asleep and started snoring. Then she went to her bed. That was our only time together every day. I massaged her hand every night for twenty years and that is now over.
It is better to face reality and deal with the truth of my TG but I have lost the love of my life and this breaks my heart.

[Deborah Jane]

:(:sad:I sympathise with you. I split with my wife [her idea] after 20odd years because she hated the idea of me dressing up!I still love her and she only wants to be friends , but in time i suppose you have to come to terms with it .

[uknowhoo]

I truly am sorry for your loss, and your pain, KayRenee. :hugs: I encourage you to feel the feelings, and grieve your loss. Best wishes going forward, you will both be in my prayers. xoxo Tammi

[Shelly Preston]

It is indeed a painful time especially as you are trying to keep the truth from your daughter at this time
It will feel even worse because of the pretending

I wish you the best for the future for all three of you :hugs:

[Scotty]

I'm terribly sorry for your loss there.....

I knew going in to this, halfway or not, that I would lose what I had, and I did...and I'm glad it was only 2 years not 22.....

I guess, if something positive is to come from this, that the newly found TG's should make note of this.

a line from the movie Highlander keeps coming to mind..

You must leave her Highlander

You will find that despite the life changes you are going through, that there will be MORE life changes - life is now upside down.

But you'll also find a renewed freedom.....despite the sadness, and you'll have to be strong, especially when you start thinking about old routines- change them and develop new ones for YOU..

Hang in there!!

[Stlalice]

Kay,

You have my deepest sympathy and understanding for you situation. While I know it brings you no comfort now the fact that she is willing to be "friends" and live in the same house puts you far ahead of many of the transfolk I know. The unfortunate fact is that many transfolk end up being completely shut out of and/or disowned by their families. The only thing you can do right now is let the situation play out and see where/how things end up when she has had the time to finish mourning the "loss" of the person she thought she knew and married. That could take a long while and what form or limits the relationship takes will evolve over that time. Any attempts at hurrying or pushing things along will likely cause far more trouble than anything else in the long run. Hang in there and know that we understand your pain. :hugs:

[CindyFinalyFree]

Indeed, it is always heartbreaking to hear such things happening to a friend. I don't have much time for a response, but had to at least say that we're here for ya. Hang in there.

[Siobhan Marie]

Kay honey, I'm so very sorry to hear such heartbraking news.

(goes over to Kay and gives her the biggest cuddle that she can)

If you need someone to talk, you're more than welcome to PM or email me at any time.

Lots of :love: and loads of :hugs:

Siobhán x

[Holly]

Kay, I am so sorry to hear this. Twenty-two years is a long time to invest in a relationship. I sense, from your post that you have conflicted feelings... a deep and painful loss, which is totally understandable, but also relief that some closure is finally at hand. This too, I understand. Be complete in your grieving... and take care of the daughter of yours.

[Kimberly]

I am so sorry to hear that, KayRenee. My thoughts are with you. xx

[SL]

I don't know if you want to hear from any guys about it, but I am so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose a marriage partner, genders and genetics are inconsequential to an extent, its the loss of the relationship and your best friend you feel. even when you both know that you have to be apart for whatever reason.

[tall_brianna]

awe, that is so sweet and heartbreaking. Hang in there Kay, life presents the open hearted many opportunities for love.

-b

[Maggie Kay]

An update. After two nights she decided that I am only a wanna be lesbian since I have not had sex with a lesbian and am not interested in sex with anyone outside our marriage. She also couldn't take us being separate so she asked for everything to be returned to "normal". She was with me last night and while things are not exactly the same, it is much better. She was calling me Maggie or Kay but has returned to calling me by my male name. I'm mostly back in DRAB although she didn't ask for that.
I'm pretty exhausted emotionally and while things are better, I know that more is to come. Basically, I see my life now as in a small dark room and my only reason for living is that my family needs what is left of me as a male.
The subject of divorce has come up but the reality is that neither of us can make it here on our incomes. We have no assets as they went in the loss of the business thanks to the recession. We live paycheck to paycheck and have no latitude for any change in living arrangements. Our daughter is finishing college and living with us. This is the big push for her to graduate and neither of us wants to jeopardize her success in any way. Also we never formed any friendships here in our area and our former ones drifted away years ago. The bottom line is that we are tied together. Other than this issue, we are incredibly close. We spend all our free time together and have for 22 years.
My personality is such that I will go beyond what is healthy for me in order to please those that I love. So I'll force myself to continue as a pseudo male. I may not make it as the pressures I face are intense. I am subject to crippling panic attacks.
Thank you all so much for your support and wonderfully caring words. I feel they are sincere and from the heart. In the past, when I read of other sisters in this predicament, I felt a sense of helplessness over it because I could do so little to help but wanted to so badly. I regret to have caused that here. Please try not to worry about me. I am in God's hands and it is up to Him what happens to me.

[AmberTG]

Kay, I think that you'll find over time that your relationship will evolve into something that you both can be somewhat happy with. I think maybe she still needs you like you need her. The last couple days up to now would tend to indicate that. That's a good start on a new relationship with her. I'm sure the adjustments will take time, but if you have patience and let her adjust to your new reality, it just might work out well for both of you. She's probably had a rough time with it too, but over time, it should work out. I wish the best for both of you.

[BrendaB GG]

Kay, this update looks like a good sign to me. Anyone who holds hands with their spouse until they fall asleep has great love for that person, IMO.
When I realized that my spouse was not a CD, but a TS, that was a hard moment. On Day 1, there was no way I could entertain thoughts of staying together. Relationships evolve over time and now, some time later, I do think we will stay together.
I wish you both all the best.
brenda

[Maggie Kay]

It has been a few days and things are a bit better in some areas and the same or worse in others. We have resolved to stay together. We have been through some very hard times and this is another one that we will hang on through.
The main problem is that she cannot see what TG is doing to me internally and what I am aching to be. This means that we only talk about how to minimize my progress or to be sure that it is as ambiguous as possible. She for example, wants me to stop wearing some of my bras that make it obvious that I have breasts and to start wearing minimizing ones. I am to cut my hair so that my long pony tail is more male looking. She sees this as positive steps and I see them as being forced to go back to maleness.
She doesn't accept the path that is laid out for TG/TS people and is adamant that no one knows what or how to treat it. So it then becomes something to suppress and never to be considered that I am really a woman inside. She will never believe anyone on the Internet forums and now that I have been dumped by a TS therapist, she will not believe therapists either. So there is no way for her to learn more about TG and what it does to us.
On another side, we are not supposed to talk about the issues she brought up earlier, i.e lesbian and my manliness, again. This makes it really hard to clear the air and make
things better.
Difficult times.

[CaptLex]

Sorry to say it, Kay, but it sounds like you're gonna have to choose between the marriage or the transition.

[l8nitejenn]

It has been a few days and things are a bit better in some areas and the same or worse in others. We have resolved to stay together. We have been through some very hard times and this is another one that we will hang on through.
The main problem is that she cannot see what TG is doing to me internally and what I am aching to be. This means that we only talk about how to minimize my progress or to be sure that it is as ambiguous as possible. She for example, wants me to stop wearing some of my bras that make it obvious that I have breasts and to start wearing minimizing ones. I am to cut my hair so that my long pony tail is more male looking. She sees this as positive steps and I see them as being forced to go back to maleness.
She doesn't accept the path that is laid out for TG/TS people and is adamant that no one knows what or how to treat it. So it then becomes something to suppress and never to be considered that I am really a woman inside. She will never believe anyone on the Internet forums and now that I have been dumped by a TS therapist, she will not believe therapists either. So there is no way for her to learn more about TG and what it does to us.
On another side, we are not supposed to talk about the issues she brought up earlier, i.e lesbian and my manliness, again. This makes it really hard to clear the air and make
things better.
Difficult times.

Hang in there Hun,

I am almost in the exact same situation, I fear divorce is unavoidable, but like you neither of us can make it on our own financially. I'll send all the hugs and prayers I can your way, just always remember there are other gurls out here that support you and will always lend a caring ear at the least.

Jenn

[Siobhan Marie]

Kay honey, I'm sorry to hear this but you are going to have to make that choice to be you, the real you. I understand that this is not an easy thing to do, I do. But whatever you do I'm here for you.

My previous offer of PM and email still stands and always will do.

Sending you lots of :love: and loads and loads of :hugs:

Siobhán x

[kerrianna]

:hugs: I'm so sorry to hear that you are in such a difficult place Kay.

The trouble with self realization is that you can never go back. Once opened, Pandora's Box does not close. You are on your way and it seems like your marriage may be a casualty. Because for you to try to deny who you NEED to be, you will suffer in other deep ways. It's too bad your wife doesn't see this enough to make the same kind of sacrifices she's asking of you. It sounds like she has tried, but has reached her personal border. So that leaves you guys too far apart. You can try coming over to her side, but you know that your feelings will never change.

The fact you have been together so long and seem able to talk at least does hold out hope. She really needs to understand how serious this is for you. There's a point where you won't be doing either of you any favours by pretending to be a person you are not.

Buying time might give her some space to find a way from her side to make it work, or maybe she will just see that things change, people change, and it might be time to let you go and become who you need to be. It would be nice if she was there with you. My hope and prayer is that she will find the strength to be by your side and encourage you to be all you can be.

Being TS isn't a game, a hobby, a pastime, an addiction, a choice. Otherwise I know you would do what she was asking and just be done with it. We all know better than to think it could ever be that easy.

Good luck hon...I do hope it works out best for both of you. :hugs:

[claireswife-gg]

Kay,

I am so sorry. I know this must be ripping you up inside. I can't give you any guidance here, other than I hope you two can either come to terms with it or you find peace one way or the other.

**hugs**

Annie

[Calliope]

[...] She and I have agreed to remain friends and still live together but in separate accommodations. I will not be in the same bed as her again, ever. Twenty two years and now we are to live as to women friends with separate bedrooms and no physical contact. Not even a kiss or to hold hands. She said that she always wondered about my manhood and that I was never anywhere near as manly as her ex. True, I was the mom at home with our child while she went to work. Kinda hard to be manly in that role. I fought to be a man for her but lost that battle.


Sorry to say it, Kay, but it sounds like you're gonna have to choose between the marriage or the transition.

It's a narrative I know like my own.

Nothing cures like time and love.

Love yourself 1st, dear; the wife won't do it.

[CindyFinalyFree]

Just MHO... It sounds as if your wife 're-negged' on her initial negative reaction, but with a bait-n-switch tactic. Remember the phrase, give em an inch, and they take a mile??? Take 'YOUR' mile, girl. You've earned it.

[melissaK]

(1) I'm pretty exhausted emotionally . . . (2) We spend all our free time together and have for 22 years. . . . (3) My personality is such that I will go beyond what is healthy for me in order to please those that I love. So I'll force myself to continue as a pseudo male. . . . (4) I am in God's hands and it is up to Him what happens to me. . . .(5) She doesn't accept the path that is laid out for TG/TS people and is adamant that no one knows what or how to treat it. . . . (6) She will never believe anyone on the Internet forums and now that I have been dumped by a TS therapist, she will not believe therapists either.

(1) We all get there. And exhaustion is a not a state suitable for making any decision beyond chosing to rest awhile.
(2) You have thought about what underpins your fear of being alone?
(3) Now read your words. "Beyond what is healthy". That's a long way of saying "unhealthy." Your own words. Seems to go hand in hand with your fear of being alone.
(4) Well, IMHO that's not how it works. God gave you hands and gave you a mind. God expects you to do something with them. I assume this is just exhaustion talking.
(5) Because she presumes 'treatment' is needed, rather than acceptance? Because she is going through the greiving stage of denial, as she grieves over the loss of her own expecations for a 'storybook' marriage and life?
(6) I missed your post on being dumped by a therapist. Your phrases 'she will never' sounds like you are angry at her for taking those positions. Anger is certainly an emotion we have all felt toward our SO's who struggle to "accept" us. Its ok to 'feel' anger along the way. Anger is the manifestation of a fear or fears. Your fear here would be what? (You get to fill in that blank.)

I have acute fears of being alone too, I hate change in my relationships, and I have my own collection of childhood issues that underpin my fears. But my best relationships have come where I was first true to myself. As Calliope put it, 'love yourself 1st dear." The rest will follow.

As necessary as compromise is to keep a relationship, it has to have limits. It can't be endless or you really aren't ever being you. If you do endlessly deny yourself you have comitted the equivalent of an emotional suicide. You have displayed that you aren't willing to do that.

Your agreeing to stand up for yourself and being willing to risk confronting your own emotional insecurities and to 'sleep alone' rather than change was such an act. Maybe that's why she changed a little and came back in your direction. Maybe being willing to 'sleep alone' is the healthiest thing you have done in a while.

There's better days ahead.

Hugs'
'lissa

[Maggie Kay]

I really appreciate everything that has been said here. We are slowly returning to normal. One thing, we have been living with my gender issues for seven years. My coming out was to say to her that I was no longer being vague about what exactly it was. I spoke to her like I do here.
That she says she will never accept me in public with her in full dress is pretty solid. She has deep seated feelings about having any attention paid to her in public. She wants to be invisible even though she is quite attractive, even at our age. So since, she is convinced that I will never pass as a woman, in her view, she cannot be seen with me like that. This is not really about my condition but her reaction to a horrific childhood trauma. So she has special needs and I have to accept that they are as significant as mine. Neither of us will be able accept what the other wants. She would become a recluse and I want to be true to myself. Neither will happen and we both will have burdens to carry. I am beginning to accept this and know that as far as my life as a woman is concerned. It will not be. I will have to pretend to be some kind of a man. I would rather go full dress and then disappear than be half way which causes people to stare. Perhaps in time, she will adapt.
I see that my situation is so different than other people here. I realize that my participation reflects a special case. The special case means that my problems are so unique that posting them on a public forum is probably disruptive. My advise is then pointless and my problems unsolvable by folks here. I'll not post much anymore and will lurk, mostly. I am so grateful for the care that you all have shown to me.

[AmberTG]

Well, in the end, each person must follow their own path. No one else can walk that path for you. Do the best you can with what you have, and be well.

I was going to post this about the trials of being alone, so I think I will anyway. I'm alone for the first time in about 28 years. It did take some getting used to! I had many discussions with my therapist about this while working through my issues and she helped me come to a place in my life where I'm ok with living alone.
Of course, as luck would have it, just as I'm starting to enjoy living alone because of the freedom it offers, my son decides to "camp out" at my house. He doesn't sleep here, but that's about all. He uses my internet connection and because he's currently between jobs, he lives on the internet. Oh well!
That did force my hand in telling him about myself though, I wasn't going to give up my freedom and go back in th closet, so now he knows who I really am and he seems to be OK with that. His comment when I told him was "well, everybody's got something" He has his own demons that he deals with, as do we all.

[SirTrey]

Hi K,
I'm brand new here....I saw your post and just wanted to say, I'm so sorry for your pain....I've been a male on the inside My entire life, and have lived through a number of very difficult relationships both because I didn't understand it (at first) and, then, because once I did understand it, I didn't know what the hell to DO with it....I never functionned well in a relationship as a female, and My relationship track record SHOWS that...If you need someone to talk to, I have big shoulders...Just let Me know....Sometimes it just helps to pour your heart out or vent....Hugs....**Tracy**

[kerrianna]

I see that my situation is so different than other people here. I realize that my participation reflects a special case. The special case means that my problems are so unique that posting them on a public forum is probably disruptive. My advise is then pointless and my problems unsolvable by folks here. I'll not post much anymore and will lurk, mostly. I am so grateful for the care that you all have shown to me.

Actually Kay, although your situation IS unique, in some ways it's much the same as some of us, myself included. Some of us are in relationships that are so complex and deep that it's never a simple matter of just 'being ourselves' or 'finding ourselves'. What comes first is the realtionship, and quite often it IS both partners making sacrifices. Sometimes it seems as if the level of sacrifice ebbs and flows from one person to the other, but most long term successful relationships are underpinned by that commitment to each other first and foremost, regardless of how important one individual's thing may be. In your case, it sounds like each of you respect the achille's heel of the other, and while I'm sure you would each love it to be different, for it to be all ok now and be able to feel free to follow your paths, you know it's not that simple. Maybe with growth, because people can change and move gradually to a healthier place, things will be better for each of you as individuals, and you can take more chances as a couple, but you know your situation better than anyone and I think your wife is very fortunate to have you on her side with the love and respect you show her.

Just remember, hon, that how we present is only part of our gender identity. It's what's within that really counts. You can dress like a man, act like a man, look like a man... but if you are much more a woman inside that won't be killed that easily. You may feel frustration and longing more often, but those are feelings you can develop techniques to manage ok, because we do have to find a way to get on with the day in the end.

I hope you find pleasure in all those things you have worked hard to have. The things we can't get, well sometimes we have to wait, sometimes we just have to accept our good fortune in other areas and deal with the compromises we make to have the other things that are important to us.

Just do remember Kay that you aren't alone in making sacrifices for love. It's a noble profession. :hugs::love:

[driver702]

Your wife sounds overwhelmed, you sound overwhelmed. I will never know love, she has known yours and one love before yours as you have known hers. Take nothing for granted even your ability to love for some its not a right. I wish i could experience sleeping in a bed just once with a women who loves me, it sounds like you experienced it lots. Be greatfull, never cut your losses hold onto them and learn from them, what doesnt kill you will make you stronger. As far as your wife is concerned, you are still the MAN she maried why does a foggy reality get in her way, she is likely a masculan women to let you stay home in the first place and knew right from the start she would ware the pants, what has changed, my God she needs to wake up and see all that she has, so do you. God bless you and yours, they will for ever be just that.

[CindyFinalyFree]

Dear Kay,

Please don't think for a second that your voice shouldn't be heard, or that your input is not desired or valued. Like Kerri said, while unique, your situation still holds parallels to more than you think. I myself, while I have never married, by the time you add it all up, have not lived alone for more than a year 'TOTAL'. I know all about the fear of solitude. Even if that's not a problem for you, your mention of it strikes some of us deep. I'm sure the same can be said by others regarding various other aspects of your 'unique' situation. Just because we're not all experiencing the same combination of issues, rest assured, that it's not likely 'none' of us have dealt with at least one. So please, don't refrain from sharing your woes, or offering advice. If it helps even one person through a rough time, it was worth the effort.

As for my earlier comment about re-negging, please don't take that to heart. Apparently, I was comtemplating something else at the time, because reading it now, I feel I was wrong to state it. I don't know enough about you and your wife to make such a statement. My apologies. <curtsey>

So, I return to the first sentence of this reply... Please don't be discouraged by others' comments or assumptions. By majority, they're meant with well intentions, even if they aren't the most appropriate thing to say at the time.

[Maggie Kay]

I don't want anyone here to be feeling like they upset me or that they caused me to back off the forum. This is simply not true. My reasons are personal and due to the need I have not to be a whiner or pest. I began to see my posts as crying and since there is no solution, I just have to take the hurt and shut up about it. I saw my "reputation" being "the one who just complains all the time" and that is not a positive thing. I never intended to let that happen. I wanted to help others and not be the poster child for TS meltdowns. That is why I am backing off. My situation is not good and I'm not gonna let it make anyone else sad. That only makes things worse.

I deeply respect you all and am so glad for the patience you all have shown me.

[Stlalice]

Kay,

Sometimes you just have to tell your troubles to someone, even if it is just to post them here. If you keep them bottled up inside they will just eat at you and in the end leave you hurting even worse. So feel free to post anything even if it is just to vent - I'd defend your right to do so here any time. As an alternative you could start a page at Live Journal with the option to have your posts be for you only or to your friends list only. If you do so, PM me with your handle and I'll add you to my friends list - hang in there kid and let us know how you are doing. :hugs:

[AmberTG]

Kay, don't you know that talking about your problems with someone you consider a friend is quite female in nature. Women usually don't expect to get a solution to their problem, they just want someone to talk to about it. One of the biggest things that a man does wrong in a relationship is to either dismiss his SO's problem or try to fix it. I learned this the hard way.
We are here to support you when you're having a bad day, or week, or year. That's what friends are for.
One of these days it might be my turn to need a shoulder to cry on, but for now, I have a good shoulder that you can use.
It doesn't matter if there's a solution to the problem or not, you still need to talk about it to get it out of your system.

[Siobhan Marie]

Kay, don't you know that talking about your problems with someone you consider a friend is quite female in nature. Women usually don't expect to get a solution to their problem, they just want someone to talk to about it. One of the biggest things that a man does wrong in a relationship is to either dismiss his SO's problem or try to fix it. I learned this the hard way.
We are here to support you when you're having a bad day, or week, or year. That's what friends are for.
One of these days it might be my turn to need a shoulder to cry on, but for now, I have a good shoulder that you can use.
It doesn't matter if there's a solution to the problem or not, you still need to talk about it to get it out of your system.

Kay, I so agree with Amber, you do need to talk somebody, god knows we all do. And who better than all of us, your friends. I keep things bottled up too and believe me it's not healthy.

If you ever need a shoulder to cry on or someone to give you a cuddle or a hug, I'm right here and always will be.

Lots of :love: and loads and loads of :hugs: and cuddles

Siobhán x

[Maggie Kay]

Part of my feelings were due to a severe hormone imbalance. My supplier had changed the formula by lowering the estrogen and upping the progesterone making me depressed. Yesterday, I started on a new simpler formula and it is night and day different. My confidence has returned, I am no longer feeling panicky, I am happy. Things that seemed crushing, today feel I can handle. I feel better today than I have felt in many months. What a relief.

[Maggie Kay]

Amber,
I also wanted to say that I did feel that it is a female thing to share our troubles. Curiously, my wife feels that a problem should be discussed once in depth and them not discussed again. I have gone to her repeatedly sort of to vent but it often angered her. She says "we don't get anywhere in the conversation so why talk about it again." I guess it is her personality that she shuns repeated discussions. She is intensely goal oriented. If it doesn't progress toward the goal, then drop it. I got the idea that I have only a few times to bring my problems to anyone before they get angry with me and I better show that previous conversations helped.

[AmberTG]

You know Kay, that goal oriented thing of your wife's is a typical male trait. My ex was and is like that too, unless it was her problems we were discussing.:heehee: Of course, she might just not want to discuss that issue with you, maybe she still wants to believe it will go away and not discussing it keeps it hidden. Out of sight, out of mind!
I'm so glad you feel better! :hugs:
I can see how messing with the hormone mix, especially increasing the progesterone could easily cause serious depression, it's known to have that side effect. And not knowing that the formula was changed on you would really make it a mystery.

[CindyFinalyFree]

.... Yesterday, I started on a new simpler formula and it is night and day different. My confidence has returned, I am no longer feeling panicky, I am happy. Things that seemed crushing, today feel I can handle. I feel better today than I have felt in many months. What a relief.

Nah.. it wasn't the change in medicine.... :) It was your friends pulling for you!!! (well, ok, maybe 2% the meds... :tongueout) <winks>

But seriously, glad you're feeling better.

[Cindi Ann Kelly]

I am sorry to hear about your situation. My SO accepts (with some reservations) my CD'ing. There is a delicate balance between your marital relationship and the needs of your inner self. My thoughts and prayers are with you in resolving your situation.

Cindi

[Kimberley]

Hi Kay,
It has been a while I know; holidays and all that other silly stuff. Anyway, I read this thread of course and while we have talked on the PM side of things in the past, I thought maybe a response here might be appropriate.

We,(you and I) have similar circumstances as you know, that being unaccepting spouses although yours has certainly given you more leeway than mine.

I think it is worth noting that we have selected life partners who are diametrically opposed (gender wise) to ourselves whether they want to admit it or even look at it. Still it is a basic truth. Our spouses have greater male traits than they recognize yet retain the female ones as their basic identity. They have no confusion about this gender mix (unlike us) and I think that is where a lot of the problems reside. There is no question of their female gender but the recognition of male personality attributes is not in the cards.

I believe this is what makes our circumstances so difficult to accept because on the one hand we have that "male" partner but on the other the female who rejects our femininity. Unfortunately these attributes had a lot to do with the initial attraction and we didnt see the problems that could be created. We were and still are very much in love with that person despite the rejection and attempts to control.

I wish there was a way to turn this into a positive but I am still looking for one. I think that perhaps your spouse may have come to some sort of recognition that we dont yet know. I do hope it works out.

In the meantime, there is no need to leave us. We are here for that support that is missing and although it may not always be the affirmation we seek, we do have the knowledge that others are like us and do care. To cut ourselves off from that leaves us wholly on our own and that is not good. Stick aroung hon. We need you as much as you need us.

:hugs:
Kimberley

[Maggie Kay]

I have decided that I will stick around. Some forums have lost their usefulness or have changed in tenor but this one has kept to it's principles and the folks here are really great.

I complain a lot about my SO but really in the grand view of things she is a real friend. We are going though a rough patch from events outside our marriage and we are both grateful for each other's company. Nowhere else can we find a truly safe place to vent our feelings. No matter how difficult TG is, we are going to weather it. She had cancer and we survived it together. We have several financial catastrophes, to the point that we lost everything and we survived it. TG is maddeningly frustrating and frightening to us both, but splitting up is much worse.

Thank you all for so much encouragement. I am continuing to feel better and part of that is your help.

[Siobhan Marie]

Kay, I'm so glad that you've decided to stick around, I for one would miss you if you did go as I'm sure many of the others would too.

You're so welcome, it's what we're here for and that's to help each other, be there and to give each other a shoulder to cry on.

I'm glad that you're feeling a bit better. My offer of PM and email will always stand. If you want to someone to talk to then I'm right here.

Lots of :love: and loads of :hugs: and cuddles

Siobh&#225;n x

[Maggie Kay]

I get it now. Every gain I have in becoming more of a woman is a loss to my wife. Every new attribute or woman's clothing I add, is joy to me but pain for her. No wonder, she cannot be supportive. To her, that support is self destructive. For me it is self constructive. I am building a new identity and one that she cannot imagine is good for her. This explains to me why she resists at every turn, why at best she tolerates my current state. Her husband is gone as she knew him and replaced by a half man/ half woman thing. We therefore live in a limbo land of partial solutions. It may take me a decade to get to the place where others have gone. Without access to therapy or medical care and with no one to show me how to act and be like a woman, I can't progress very fast. That I am now on a relatively stable regimen of hormones and anti-androgens is my major comfort. I will continue to develop a female form. I must resign myself to a small world mostly inside me where I can be me. I love her and cannot bear to lose her. If this is my lot, it will be excruciating and maddening to live but with no options, I'll keep what I have.