Some info needed for a friend

[Di]

I know you girls will have the right answers,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,I have a friend that I,ve known for years that is a cd... called me today with a problem,,,.he wants to divorce......but is scared to death she will out him.............she knows about the cding but never has been supportive......He has a high profile job...and children.............and wants to protect himself...........he has said she is a very vindictive person and holds grudges.....My only advise was get all your things out to a safe place...I will pass on all your suggestions Thanks

[Ashley in Virginia]

I think the first thing he needs to do is consult a lawyer. Maybe he can pay her for her silence in the divorce settlement.

[Di]

Thanks Ashley...he is afraid to tell the lawyer,,,,but I think he should,,,how else can the lawyer protect him .....

[Tamara Croft]

Whatever he tells his lawyer should remain strictly confidential. Is she really that bad she would ruin his whole life and career? If they both agree on a higher settlement to keep her quiet, the lawyer should have his secret binded in a contract. I do feel for your friend, it must be really aweful not being able to get out of a relationship for fear of being outed. It's spiteful to say the least.

Tamara x

[Fallen Angel]

first of all she has to prove that he does cd i would suggest that he purges all his items for now. clothes pictures ect, keep a low profile till after he goes threw his divorce. as far as the children i dont know how old they are. and the court would have to deem him onfit before they would not grant him visatation, my ex wife from many years ago tryied the same thing and it didnt hold up because it was hear say. if i was him i would let his lawyer know as much as possible because things come up and if he"s not prepared it could have a negitive afected on him the good thing is divorce courts are a closed session so know one would know but both lawyers the clerk of the court and the judge keep us informed xxx

[Priscilla1018]

Your friend definately needs a lawyer and he needs to tell everything to that lawyer,and should be completely honest. Attorney/client privledge will keep whatever he says to the lawyer confidential. Perhaps your friend could place everything in your safe keeping until after the divorce is final.
It is against my nature to pay extortionists,but unfortunately in this case he may have to.His lawyer can draw up a binding contract to keep your friends Wife From Hells silence.She sounds like a very nasty piece of work.
I wish your friend Good Luck.

Love and Hugs,
Priscilla

[alyson]

Tell him to destroy all things that could be evidence to his other life, find everything and burn it all. Quit the cdding for a while, if she did come out with it what proof is there? any half baked lawyer could brush it of as a crazy accusation that has no founding.

[JanineSoCal]

Leta,

I just went through a divorce and may have some suggestions from my experience that are helpful.

First of all, it is great to see you and Pink Cheeks (both ggs) on the forum. I believe there are many more gg's out there that see the attractiveness of a male cd and open to a relationship. Possibly you two will open up others previously restrained to openly seek.

My divorce was highly contested: child custody, property, alimony amount, etc. wherein every possible issue was raised by her attorney to shed a bad light upon me. The divorce was initiated by me and not wanted by my wife. This rejection fueled her anger and made her viciously attempt to seek all that she could monitarily, and full custody of our two children. (Fortunately, my cd was not known by her and not an issue).

Based upon what I learned in 2 years of court battles in my divorce:

1. He MUST tell his attorney the truth, or she will be surprised and unprepared when HER attorney brings it up in court, or he gets a document in the mail stating a court date where she is asking for full custody and he must have supervised visitation due to her concerns about his crossdressing. Be prepared for her to lie, such as that he crossdressed in front of the children, etc. If he can't tell this attorney, then dismiss her and find one that he can tell.

I fired my first attorney, and received much better results with the second. I thought my first attorney was good, but the difference was night and day Worthy of consideration is taking a step back to research other attorneys. He might find one that has successfully represented male crossdressers where it was made an issue.

2. Consider a Child Custody Evaluation. Psycological tests and a Psycologist will observe both parents in their living situations with the children and speak with the children. He may have an advantage here, as cds, I have read, tend have a combination of nurturing, sensitivity, commitment, loving discipline, and strength due to their feminine/masculine balance that makes them good parents. This would come out in the assesment.

3. Have his attorney initiate a restraining order that instructs the wife not to attempt to hurt his career or reputation through slander RIGHT AWAY.

4. Get an "Expert" Witness that can testify about crossdressing and shed it in a positive light and discredit stigmas.

5. Make sure his attorney is familiar with all the judges that could possibly be assigned. The right judge could make a difference.

6. Lastly, tell him to be prepared but not overly fret or be fearful of the known crossdressing issue. The court sees totally unfit parents that are abusive, drug addicted, don't financially support their children or provide for their needs, and totally disfunctional living situations of all types. It sounds as if this person is none of these. There are many worse things than a successful man that loves his children, provides for their needs, but enjoys wearing feminine clothing (sarcasm intended as there should be no societal stigma against this, but alas that is another thread many times discussed here).

Leta, of course a overly generous divorce settlement could help, but from what I have seen, even without a career and reputation damming piece of information such as this, the woman wants everything anyway, and no amount could suffice. As they say "Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned".

If you see me online sometime feel free to PM me, and we can chat.

XO,

Janine

[Aloha_Dana]

first of all she has to prove that he does cd i would suggest that he purges all his items for now. clothes pictures ect, keep a low profile till after he goes threw his divorce.

Leta, Fallen Angel says that she has to prove that he does CD. Good point. There seems to be a split camp here, one that recommends purging, others to put it safely away. Are there any photos to be concerned about, on home hard drive, forums? If and when he purges/puts away, he might go so far as to take an inventory just for heads up. though even if the wife does have evidence such as clothing, it would be hard to prove who it belongs to.

w/regards to his professional career, if she commits slander (outside and beyond the court room), he'll have recourse.

Just some thoughts.

Best of luck,
Dana

p.s. I wonder if Kinsey aksed any questions in his sex surveys about CD'ing? It would be nice to difuse any arguments w/professionally acquired statistics.

[Di]

Thanks to all that wrote in...i,ll pass all info over to him ...................Very helpful...hugs to you all

[paulaN]

I hate to say it but a lawyer sounds like the way to go. have some fine print added that states if she ever outs him she forfets every thing even the kids and has to pay damages.

[StephanieCD]

I went through a messy separation (not married so no divorce but we have a child). My can be very vindictive and acts impulsively when angry... very.

After the scream matches stopped and reality set in we started having the "who gets the table" talks and such. Usually, we did it via email per my request as it's easier for us to remain civil and we both have proof of the other's words. Anyway... at that point I waited for a civil "what about the child" conversation. I said "I want to talk about something with you while we're civil". I tried to make it about both of us instead of a "please don't tell" thing which would be handing that kind of a woman a weapon... I promise to never let the dressing affect our daughter and she promises to keep quiet. She also, in a civil moment laughed and said it wasn't exactly something she wanted to advertise, either.

I suggest civil honesty but NOT begging for silence - that empowers her. Offer an exchange. Be honest. Maybe start by asking who she's told so you can sleep at night. That'll break the ice.

PM me and I'll give you my email and you can give it to your friend - I know what it's like.

Hope it helps... I aim for peace whenever possible... if not - get the lawyer.

[Tristen Cox]

My advice I liked post #8. I would certainly tell them to get rid of all cding evidence(just to be safe). Get a lawyer and have it done properly. But not sure if you(them) should have to pay for silence. Just my two cents. Good luck to them.


Love
T

[Di]

Thanks Girls....I read these all to her over the phone this morning, She was very thankful to you all for the advice and wanted me to pass her thanks on......

[michelle p]

There is a lot of good advice here. Since he is concerned about her digging up evidence, here is something else to consider - his computer. Everything in it stays there until it is erased. "Deleting" files does not remove them from the hard drive and they are easily recoverable by the software savvy. There is a lot of software on the market for that purpose but do some comparisons - for example, make sure the software is compatible with the server he uses to access the internet (eg; Internet Explorer, Mozilla, Firefox, etc.). Check out Cyber Scrub as it is very powerful, easy to use, and works with most servers. Even if any readers are unconcerned with privacy, ERASING those old files (including those previously deleted) will clear up a LOT of disk space and improve the performance of your computers.

Two more cents. Hope it helps. :o

Michelle

[brandi]

As another one who who has gone through this, Janine made excellent points. The attorney must know everything about the situation or they will not be able to help to the full extent. This includes anytime the kids have seen dad dressing. You would be surprised at the spin some attornies can put on a situation to work out in your favor. My ex tried everything including threatening to tell everybody about my dressing until I got her on tape saying she was trying to blackmail me. If at all possible tape all conversations and/or write down everything the wife says and give it to the attorney.

Good luck and God Bless!!!

Brandi

[Wenda]

Janine and the others have said it. She MUST tell her lawyer. Janine's point 8 is very important. She needs to be proactive. If the ex accuses, publicizes, etc then she is subject to charges for violating the restraining order, and, if your friend can prove damage, the ex could be liable for any tangible damages. I would suspect it is mostly a threat. A lot of women (wrongly) feel that we dress because of some inadequacy on their part. They are not likely to publicize that they lost their man to the lingerie department. Tell her good luck, keep a cool head, take care of details. wenda.

[Sweet Susan]

Leta,
The simple truth is that the lawyer will be great for the courtroom stuff, but there is an entirely different side that has nothing to do with the court, and that is his social life. The ex can invade his social life like black on licorice, and if she is as vindictive as you say, well she'll have a field day ruining his reputation. They can slap all of the restraining orders they want, if she wants to make his life miserable, and she knows he's a crossdresser, she can, and she probably will. If I were your friend, I'd buckle up, get ready for the shit to fly, cause it does have wings.