A conflict of interests....

[AmberDay]

Warning, long winded. Don't say I didn't warn you.

I have been in therapy for two years now, and six months ago, I have been 'diagnosed' with having gender dysphoria. It has been a hard process of trying to find a happy medium between wanting to become a full woman and being a full man. There is perks to both sides. On one hand, I can finally become the person I was supposed to be. I feel that I crossdress every day but in the sense that I am a woman wearing guy clothes. I was explained about costs and the process of transitioning, hormones, and surgery. I was so excited!!!! After a few days I started thinking about the other hand. I told my wife what the psychiatrist has told me and his recommendation. She told me that she would always love me. No matter what. However, she is not a lesbian and to make a long story short she would leave me and since she is a GG, a great mother, and has a job, she would get custody of our three kids. We are great financially, but if we were to separate, I couldn't afford a place of my own, nonetheless, money for hormones, and surgery. What clinched my decision was when my youngest daughter said, "I love you daddy." for the first time.

I realized that no matter what I may really be on the inside, I must remain this way. A male. Now my problem is this. My doctor said I have bad cholesterol, and bad hdl cholesterol and strongly advise I start working out and getting back in shape. I joined our local YMCA and been working out for a month now. Because of my constant running and lifting weights I lost a lot of weight, but gained alot of muscle tone. I have also grown a goatee. Looking in the mirror this morning, I looked amazing, with my pecs, shoulders, and arms stocked up. (I build muscles quickly; a blessing and a curse). I looked like a good looking guy. Even my wife was amazed and turned on. I loved the way I looked like that. Then my 'inside woman' was crying, but I realized I was actually crying. This is going to be so hard living the wrong gender. But I am a husband, a father, and I was born a male. There is no way of knowing what affect changing my gender would have on the kids and I know I couldn't live without my wife. So on one hand I am glad that I am getting that macho man look, but also upset that part of me is being forced into confinement. My therapist is concerned that I am going to reach a boiling point and will explode. I asked what he meant and he feared that I may commit suicide, go to drugs/ alcohol, and just abandoning everything I love. He referred me to the Columbus Gender Dysphoria Clinic in Columbus, Ohio. They have a treatment program for those that are transexual, but unable to transition from one sex to another. I wish both sides of me could be more ying-yang, but they aren't cooperating with each other.
Thanks for letting me open up,

Amber

[AmandaM]

I too have many of the same feelings. I also put on muscle easy. I decided to lose weight by doing a lot of cardio. No weights right now, though I may add some later. I want to lose weight so I can look good in clothes. My goal is that if I can't transition, at least I can look as female as possible when I do dress. You can get real close to female without hormones or surgery. Try to move in that direction, and tell yourself that it's the journey that counts, not the end result. If you get real close to womanhood, you can always make an easy jump later when your kids are grown and you're in shape. Don't buy into the do or die NOW attitude. Cool your jets, move a little toward the fem at a time, and see where it goes.

[SatinDoll00]

Your therapist says he is afraid you may commit suicide. He is right in one aspect, one part of you is...either way you go. It is a difficult life to be split down the middle. I know. I am having difficulty with the fact that I know I was meant to be female, but born male. I too am married, and my wife would likely leave if I decided to transition (and maybe if she knew about my CDing).

Sigh.

The days that I spend as Morgan, as ME, are wonderful. Even if I do nothing but slap on some minimal makeup, my wig and a set of girly PJs and watch the Golden Girls on TV! I feel the most comfortable, the most at peace, the most relaxed, and the most in tune with the world when I am who I really am.

I commend you for your strength. It is a rare individual that can live the life of someone else for the people that she loves. I respect that...and I empathize greatly. Let us hope there is such a thing as reincarnation. Perhaps we will get our chance in another life sis.

Morgan

[angelfire]

I also have similar feelings. I do gain muscle easy, which I love. I love having muscle and looking like a guy. But when I dress, I just look ridiculous, and wished I looked more female. But I wouldn't want to give up my male persona for anything. I'm also kinda stuck in the middle.

[Darlene Rochelle]

I too am in a struggle with who I REALLY AM, I look in the mirror and see a woman,even in drab mode,it is very difficult for me too.

[Sally24]

It isn't all black and white! I very enjoy being a woman but for many reasons would not consider SRS or major body modifications. That being said, there is alot of peace in sometimes leaving the male persona behind and becoming a woman for a day or two or three. Most of the hormone gains can be faked by pads and body shapers. Electrolysis does alot for your facial complexion and the ablility to pass with minimal makeup. Taking good care of your skin and using lotions can soften your skin some. Your voice is not affected by hormones so most TS have to change their voice by hard work and practicing.

You would have a hard road if you totally supress the female part of you. I would suggest working out some sort of balance with your wife and your therapist. Spend some quality time as a woman each week or each month. If you can't currently "pass", then see if you've gotten the desire, the time, and the money to get to the point that you can go into mainstream society and be treated like a woman.

This all works for me personally and I am a much better person and husband now that I have a better balance in my life.

Good luck and feel free to PM me.

[Tracy_NM]

"Not being able to be who we are makes us sick", an online therapist told me last year. This past Spring I went to a therapist for 3 sessions (couldn't afford any more) and the therapist felt I was just a CD with a sex addiction, that he just dedicated "a little bit of naughtiness." Hmmm..... 3 sessions won't solve all your issues I found out but every therapist can have a different opinion. Can you bring your wife into therapy with you. It sounds like you are going to have to attack this issue very hard, with a lot of thinking and a leap of faith. Right now you are struggling - and not alone between your head and your heart. Is your wife controlling you? Indirectly telling you that no you can't transistion so she is trying to kill you softly with these threats. Sounds like she needs to be made more aware of the situation. Perhaps if you could get the therapist to tell your wife what the therapist has seen from the many he has counseled that you just could not be honestly happy in life unless you were yourself - perhaps your wife would listen?
Sorry to blurt like that, you're not alone. I have a wife who is like I describe above which is why I can relate to people like that. I play the same mind games with her. My love for her is external, not internal and very codependent with her - yet don't have the selfishness that I need to become myself.

It's also ok to be muscular and be feminine at the same time, almost natural anymore. Health problems will slow us down if we transition later in life - it would probably do the same to me, I'm 45 so I'm sure there would be some problems. Above all just try to be yourself and pace yourself.

[Dita_B]

You are the specialist in your own life, only you will know what is best for you. Thank you for sharing this immense problem.

My COGNATI score was 190, and I am kind of in the same boat. However, for me it is too late now to go through SRS. But if it were 20 years ago, I would have done it, no matter what the consequences on the material side of things. Realizing that it is too late now, was a very hard thing to swallow. So from where I stand I would suggest to think long and hard about the fact that you can still turn into the person you were born to be, because there is still time. Most of the other things you mention will find their own balance in time, because you will still be you even with a different gender.

I empathize with you and I wish you lots and lots of strength.

:love:Dita.

[Jamie M]

Dear amber,

I have to saying reading your post nearly brought me out in tears , what you write is exactly the words i have been trying to find for so long it's almost as if you could have read my mind. So far i not pursued counselling ( for various personal reasons ) but i believe that will have to change in the very near future if i am ever to find a peace in myself.

I too find myself struggling between the desire to be who i feel i should be , the person i feel like on the inside and the need to be the person that nature , genetics , fate or whoever you believe in has actually made me. I have a beautiful son of 7 months who i love with ever fibre in my body and i have no desire to inflict any kind of pain or turmoil on his life through selfish actions of my own . I also have a loving and wonderful wife who i could never be apart from although i know from many discussions on the subject that this would be enivitable should i be selfish enough to ever make that descission. In our last conversation on the subject i was told that sooner or later i was going to have to make the descision on who i'd rather be to make me happy to which my response was that i can't decide that , i can only choose who i'd rather be with and that is of course my wife and my son .

So for now I am trying my hardest to supress these thoughts and feelings inside and trying to be content with letting my 'inside woman' out when i can and then carefully bottling her up. I can achieve this most days as i grew up dealing with all my problems in this way ( as i suspect many here have done ) but some days it just gets too much to bear and this woman inside is screaming and i feel like i'm breaking up inside.

You have my deepest empathy going to you , it's been hard for me to admit some of these things even to myself let alone anyone else and i know how hard it is to choose one life over another , for me i have to choose the one that i have been dealt as the consequences of the other don't even bear thinking about , someday i hope to find my peace with that , hopefully it won't take too long . If you ever need someone to talk to please feel free to pm me or via msn

biggest hug , julia

[joann426]

i too dress up when i can i dont have musels but i can pass pretty good my wife really dont like it but we still love each other i think she knows i have all the pretty clothes to but i will never take away my male parts i love the things we do to or just be a the wo man we are i know just what people are going through and are feeling:hugs:

[Joy Carter]

Amber. There is a girl here on the forum who is in mid transition. She has lost everything. A wife. The kids. And the last we heard from her she was living in a woman's shelter.
Society can be so cruel to us because they don't understand. I have seen GG's come along way in the work force and society in general. I don't think people in general are ready to accept us as women.

I read a story about a TS here several years ago. Who even though she was very successful in her transition, she wanted love, and couldn't find it. She ended up killing her self.

You need love.And to be able to make a living. Unless your wealthy, I'd keep things the way they are. It sounds like she's wonderful and you have great kids.

[jessbcuzz]

I agree with Joy, Amber. My daughter turned three in May, and I haven't seen her in two years. Her mother left and took her from me because of my crossdressing. Fortuenelty, your wife is still around with the kids. I can relate how you are being torn, but you have it pretty good with being able to dress and still have what you have. There are many out there that are so lucky.

[RachelDenise]

Amber, your post speaks volumes for many of us. I wouldn't transition because of many of the same factors you mentioned....job, security, family (wife and daughter) and plus I'm too old and too not femme! But, I share your feelings. My way of coping has been the small victories, subtle changes that are femme and keep me close to being Rachel without sacrificing my male life. Would I have it different? In another time and place , YES. But for now I keep my eyebrows femme shaped, use femme soap and deororant, keep my skin healthy as possible and wear some femme clothes now and again although I would like to wear more things and underdress regularly. One day I may get my ears pierced. Sure, it's a compromise but it keeps Rachel here with me and my life going on.

[Lilith Moon]

This thread is an excellent counterpoint to several recent threads with the theme "My SO's crossdressing is ruining our relationship" where we seem to be portrayed as rather selfish people hell bent on pursuing our own needs to the exclusion of anyone else.

I hope that the SOs who contributed to those threads will read this one and maybe come to understand the depth and intensity of this "difference" that some of us have. In particular, I hope they understand the stark choices we are sometimes forced to make, which can boil down to:

Expressing our gender feelings at a cost of being abandoned by friends/family, causing distress for all concerned.

Suppressing those feelings in order to preserve the welfare of our loved ones. The result can be long term stress leading to other serious physical and mental health problems possibly culminating in suicide in some cases.

This is deadly serious stuff for some of us, it is not merely self-indulgence or a bit of fun.

[AmberDay]

I want to thank everyone for lifting my spirts. I am extremely greatful that my wife still loves me. And Joy is right, transistioning wouldn't solve the problem because there would be nobody to love. I lost all but one of my friends when I told them I crossdress. My brother wants nothing to do with me anymore. My wife and kids are all that I have left. My wife isn't happy I crossdress, we do fight about it constantly, but at least she is still here. It is just so hard though, to wake up, believing you are a woman, then having that 'shock' of finding out you are a guy. Most of the dreams I have include me as a woman. I do try to do femm things even in public. I have both my ears peirced, I shave my legs, and even sometimes wear women sandals with my toes painted blue. I am going to try my best to maintain the status quo. I want to thank everybody for your support. It has erased a lot of my depression. I have my first apointment with the Columbus Gender Dysphoria Clinic in September, and with luck, we can come up with some plan for me to remain male, without feeling conflicting about it.


Amber

[AmberDay]

Also, if I transitioned to a woman, I couldn't be posting in the male to female crossdressing section either, one more reason to remain just a CD, lol

Amber

[RobertaFermina]

Women have dressed as men to go to war...their love and passion to serve and manifest their warrioress took that charade of manhood in stride. Women frequently bear with the unbearable for the love of their life, their commitments, and the legitimate (or selfish) needs of others.

Why should you be different ?

So much for tough love.

Some Musings:

Love. That thing, without which, there is nothing.

Is there a way for the woman within you to feel loved and express love from within a male form ?

Can you appreciate that your integrity in fulfilling your commitment to raise and educate and love your children is a manifestation of a deep Love ?

Can you appreciate that caring for youself physically supports your commitment to children and wife and yourself is also congruent with a deep Love of all those around you ?

You can see what you are doing as a burden or as a gift. Your choice.

Care for the woman within, let her care for you. Recognize that you are in a Menage a Trois...a love triangle with yourselves and your wife. A little romantic tension is healthy....when it gets to be too much, something has to give...or someone.

That angst about not fully manifesting the woman within is a real and meaningful emotion. What can you do with it that turns it from pain into beauty ? On the other side of the pain is the beauty within. Express ?

:rose: Roberta :rose:

[Ashley Lynn Swift]

Sure you could you'd still be a MTF T-girl, you'd just be post-op