Feelings of envy / Sorrow / Sadness??

[TxKimberly]

So I sort of took the week off from Kim as I think it is starting to become obsessive for me. Thought maybe it would do me good to spend the week entirely in male mode.

When I went to dinner last night, I entered the restaurant and was greeted by a gorgeous young lady who was the hostess. Most men would have fallen all over themselves to flirt with her, or at least think to themselves that she was exceptionally pretty and wonder what their odds were with her. Not me. Not this time. Not now. Instead all I felt was envy and hurt. Envy that she was gorgeous and "real" and gets to go through her life that way. Sorry and sad that I will not have the same pleasure. I imagine we all have feelings like this from time to time. Heck, I imagine that your average woman would share some of these feelings when being confronted with another woman that is exceptionally beautiful to the eye. What surprised me last night was the DEPTH of the feeling - it was almost a physical pain, like someone had struck me in the chest.

I wonder if this means I am finally loosing it . . .

[Kate Simmons]

Actually Kim, after a long stint as Sal, I'm sometimes glad to be Rich again. As far as beautiful gals, I never feel envy really because I know I can take my best shot any time at trying to be like one even though it will pale in comparison to the real thing. I do feel glad for gals really because without their inspiration, true femininity and character, we would never be in tune with this side of ourselves. I for one would have missed a lot in life otherwise. Take care Hon.;):hugs::happy:

[sissystephanie]

I do sometimes feel envy when I see a pretty, nicely dressed GG. Envy because I would like to look like that! But mostly I just admire them, because I am an man, albeit a crossdresser! Never feel sad, or hurt knowing I can't be like that. I am happy with the way I am. Don't allow negative thougts! And I know a great GG I can talk to about being a CD!:happy:

Sissy

More Girl than man

[noname]

No Kim it's not just you. I know the feeling. While it's not that I'm envious of someones beauty, I am envious wanting to have the same freedom of self expression. For me it's when you see these gals wearing slacks, shirt and a tie. All I can think about is how nice it must to be accepted for who you are. It sometimes can take me a few hours to get out of my inner sulking.

[l8nitejenn]

I've got those feelings in male mode all the time, maybe it's just some self esteem issues for me anyway. It's funny in way too though, because in male mode people think you're just ogling a beautiful girl....what they don't know is that you'd kill to be her and have her looks, her clothes....and those shoes!

[Donna506]

I can understand how Kimberly would feel. However, I think there is much wisdom in the posts by Sal and Sissy. I prefer to look at a beautiful woman as a role model for Cding. I want to emulate the things I find attractive in her to make my CDing experience better. Knowing how hard it is to master just some of the techniques of CDing to possibly pass, imagine the effort required for a gg to pull it off day after day. When you consider all the other responsibilities placed on a gg, appearing beautiful and well-groomed in public is a major accomplishment. When we CDers appear in public, we normally have concentrated only on ourselves for the period of time needed to make our appearance. Other roles required of us will have to wait until our fun ends and we revert to our male self. I like to be thankful that I have beautiful role models and the opportunity to learn from them.

[Deborah Jane]

I've got those feelings in male mode all the time, maybe it's just some self esteem issues for me anyway. It's funny in way too though, because in male mode people think you're just ogling a beautiful girl....what they don't know is that you'd kill to be her and have her looks, her clothes....and those shoes!

I agree! I often look at a pretty girl and wish i was her.

[christianna]

It's funny in way too though, because in male mode people think you're just ogling a beautiful girl....what they don't know is that you'd kill to be her and have her looks, her clothes....and those shoes!

I think you might have just freed me from this site.... and answered the question that has always bothered me... why do the crossdressers and queens that I meet look at me THAT WAY.. and yet when i approach them for a date or something it's always, Thank you but I'm gay. I get it now... they are not checking ME out, they are checking my look out. Well, I'll be as unflattered as I have ever been in my life, and yet don't feel particularly offended in a strange way. I should be offended, but I'm not.
Christianna GG

[RobertaFermina]

Knowing I will never have "that"......yikes!

As an addict <human being, confused about fulfillment>, I have the circuitry to keep trying to get "that" by doing what I do.....so I can obsessively become Roberta while really trying to become "Her, that <superlative adjectives here> Woman."

I can refine my discernment and technique, and I will never match. Worse still, now and again I might have an experience of coming close. Like hitting a double-eagle, or hole-in-one on the golf course.

That desperation of trying to achieve the ideal from the basis of being human, or of achieving the image of <adjectives here again> womanhood from the basis of being a male will keep me frustrated and forever on an emotionally unfulfilling treadmill. Think Sysiphus, except I never even get the boulder to the top of the hill.

My saving grace is that I can project dignified and sensual womanhood well enough to be recognized for my sincere intention, and I can have my authentic feelings and relationships Enfemme, and grow more and more familiar and adept in feminine awareness. That will have to do *and* its FABULOUS!

Better still, when I feel girly or womanly and wear it with my whole being, the effect on people (who are not dead or overly jealous, fearful, or cynical) is positive and well received.....validated.

I am with Salandra, my being, intention and experience within is what is real..the way I look simply an expression of my inner being, a statement of intention, a reflection of my inner grace, joy, desire, <your feelings here>, and a show of sincerity.


Hugs and Gratitude !

:rose: Roberta :rose:

[Julogden]

Kimberley, I know exactly what you mean, happens to me a lot.

I remember one time in particular in my younger, slimmer days, back when I was going out a lot, went to the company Christmas party, dressed as a male of course, and was hit hard when I saw all my female co-workers all done up to the nines, dressed the way I would have preferred to dress, had a fairly miserable time at that party.

Carol

[Ashley Lynn Swift]

I think you might have just freed me from this site.... and answered the question that has always bothered me... why do the crossdressers and queens that I meet look at me THAT WAY.. and yet when i approach them for a date or something it's always, Thank you but I'm gay. I get it now... they are not checking ME out, they are checking my look out. Well, I'll be as unflattered as I have ever been in my life, and yet don't feel particularly offended in a strange way. I should be offended, but I'm not.
Christianna GG

now Come on christianna, not all of us CD,TV,TG,TS & QUEENS, KINGS are that rude, don't condemn all of us b/c of a few jerks, personally i very often find myself admiring pretty women, and personally i would love for one to ask me out, especailly if i was in girl mode, ooh the connection that could be made. and OMG the advice that could be giving would be priceless

[KandisTX]

I've really got nothing to add except knowing exactly how you feel. Often times I find myself in that same state of emotion, but I do love being my male self so much more than the times I get to spend as Kandis. So, while I may sometimes get that "jealous, or envious" look, I chalk it up to wanting their wardrobe or figure on occasion.

Kandis:love:

[Deborah Jane]

I think you might have just freed me from this site.... and answered the question that has always bothered me... why do the crossdressers and queens that I meet look at me THAT WAY.. and yet when i approach them for a date or something it's always, Thank you but I'm gay. I get it now... they are not checking ME out, they are checking my look out. Well, I'll be as unflattered as I have ever been in my life, and yet don't feel particularly offended in a strange way. I should be offended, but I'm not.
Christianna GG
Sorry don,t take it the wrong way christianna.I am only into women[not gay] what i meant was i wish as deborah jane, i wish i could look that good. In he mode i would think "she,s gorgeous" and mean it!!

[SatinDoll00]

Whenever I see a really, really, hot woman, it makes me a little sad. Sometimes I will even sort of laugh to myself...like 'yeah, you could ever look like that!" I do envy GGs. I see average looking women all the time and think 'I would take that look". I would LOVE to be a hot girl, but I would be happy just being able to come close!!

Morgan

[KimberlyS]

Kim I also get that feeling at times. Similar to Noname, I love the beauty of all women, especially my wife. But I am more envious of their freedom in the clothes, styles, and colors they can wear.

So why is it that in many animal species the male is the brightly colored one. And in humans it is the female that is generally more beautiful even putting clothes aside. Can I change species? LOL :heehee:

[l8nitejenn]

I think you might have just freed me from this site.... and answered the question that has always bothered me... why do the crossdressers and queens that I meet look at me THAT WAY.. and yet when i approach them for a date or something it's always, Thank you but I'm gay. I get it now... they are not checking ME out, they are checking my look out. Well, I'll be as unflattered as I have ever been in my life, and yet don't feel particularly offended in a strange way. I should be offended, but I'm not.
Christianna GG

Most crossdressers are not gay, that is a fundamental difference. If you are attracted to crossdressers don't give up hope, there are lots of us out here and many are looking for an accepting girl.

jenn

[RobertaFermina]

Kimberley,

about your pain.....

I think it means you are GETTING IT....richer deeper emotions.

Be Well !

:rose: Roberta :rose:

[Julogden]

I think you might have just freed me from this site.... and answered the question that has always bothered me... why do the crossdressers and queens that I meet look at me THAT WAY.. and yet when i approach them for a date or something it's always, Thank you but I'm gay. I get it now... they are not checking ME out, they are checking my look out. Well, I'll be as unflattered as I have ever been in my life, and yet don't feel particularly offended in a strange way. I should be offended, but I'm not.
Christianna GG
Hi Christianna,

Sounds like you're hanging around the wrong crowd. There are PLENTY of straight CD's who would LOVE to meet you, I'm sure.

Don't give up!:hugs:

Carol

[TxKimberly]

I think you might have just freed me from this site.... and answered the question that has always bothered me... why do the crossdressers and queens that I meet look at me THAT WAY.. and yet when i approach them for a date or something it's always, Thank you but I'm gay. I get it now... they are not checking ME out, they are checking my look out. Well, I'll be as unflattered as I have ever been in my life, and yet don't feel particularly offended in a strange way. I should be offended, but I'm not.
Christianna GG

Christianna,

As always, one rule does not apply to all, but as a general rule, I wouldn't assume that any of us that check you out are JUST checking out your look. More than likely it will be a combination - admiring you in the way any other man would AND checking out your look.

[Toyah]

Kimberly I think probably we can all be obsessive from time to time. It is probably a good idea to take a break from dressing for me it comes with work but I supose i am lucky because this really is not a serious issue for me.
I dont envy women but i certainly admire them and do my best to emulate them

[Robin Leigh]

Instead all I felt was envy and hurt. Envy that she was gorgeous and "real" and gets to go through her life that way. Sorry and sad that I will not have the same pleasure. I imagine we all have feelings like this from time to time.

What surprised me last night was the DEPTH of the feeling - it was almost a physical pain, like someone had struck me in the chest.

I wonder if this means I am finally loosing it.It can be so painful sometimes, Kimberley. :bighug:

I don't think all CDers go through this. Some seem to identify as pure males attracted to feminine garb. But most of us do have some elements of feminine identity. And some of us have strong TG/TS feelings.

I'm not suggesting that you should consider SRS, but you do seem to have fairly pronounced TG tendencies. I don't think you're losing it. I think you are just coming to understand that it takes more than mere CDing to deal with your TG nature.

Hang in there, honey, and keep smiling that beautiful smile of yours. You know we all support you. You are such an inspiration to many of us here.

:hugs:

Robin

[Just Jess]

I've felt like this myself from time to time. I think it's natural. I see women and I wonder why I can't fit into clothes like they do or why I can't be as tan or have their hair, but at the end of the day, I realize how much I do like being a guy. I don't think I want to become a full-time woman (I would like to get a small breast implant one day, though) because I just like being a guy.

[Michelle (Oz)]

Ah Kim, I identify totally. Mine is a forced abstinence. After a month of dressing whenever I wanted and going practically wherever I wanted, my wife and family have returned from visiting the US. I just so much want to be able to wear a nighty to bed, or lounge around the house in a top and skirt, or do the wig and makeup and go out for dinner and the pictures.

I now look at GGs with envy wishing I could just wear what I want. It is hard to readjust.

On the brighter side, my wife brought me back from the US about 10 really nice skirts and tops plus some of my favourite MAC makeup. Now I just want to wear them!!

Michelle (Oz)

[AmandaM]

I'm in the same boat Kimberley. I wish I was a woman. I see women everyday who I wish I was. There goes one now, I wish I looked like her and had her life. She's cute, slim, perfect. So frail, so beautiful. Can she know how lucky she is? A walking work of art! God, I hate being a man. Seriously, most days I think of nothing else.

[Holly]

Kim, I also don't think you're losing it... I think your getting it! It sounds to me that you are coming to understand more of who (and what) you really are. How on earth could that be considered a bad thing? It can really be quite powerful realizing that you will never be that gorgeous gg. So? Do you honestly think that there are not gg's out there as well who see an impeccably groomed, well dressed, fit and trim gg that don't get some of the same feelings that we experience? I know that it's true because I've had gg's tell me that they would give anything to have the looks of others.

It's really more about how we react... and what we do with that knowledge that we will never be one of them. For myself, I'll just make the best of the cards I've been dealt. It may mean that to be a girl, I'm going to have to overcome the genetics... if that's the case, all it means is that I have to try a bit harder. Hey, I'm up for that. Will I fall short? Probably, but again, who cares. I will be able to rest easily that I have done my very best to be myself and true to me and those around me... and that's the beauty in it all, when you really stop to think about it.

[christianna]

I didn't mean to distract the thread... I don't know what got into me. I know not all CDers are gay... though I'm known as an out lesbian in my community... I came out, what seems a very long time ago, for a girl I was dating that was really a man.
And whoever that was that wrote I hang out with the wrong crowds... I agree. Finding the right crowd is kind of a goal of mine in life.
As to the thread itself... GGs have those feelings too, sometimes.
Christianna

[susie evans]

KIM
i think this is called a reality check we are who we are no matter what and some times it just hitts us harder that others i have been very competive all my life and also very sucsesfull in many things and have also tried and failed at many others but the facts are life goes on so we just have to learn to deal with it it's part of the journey of life so we keep going and just look at the positive things we have going and move on you are a beautiful person and very blessed keep smiling

:love: susie