GG seeking help and advice!

[Laney GG]

After 6 mos of marriage, I found out about my husband's CD'ing--the hard way. You know, a suspicious package arrives in the mail, then finding out about what it was on the computer. Anyway, it's been a year and a half and I'm still trying to make sense of it all. Reading these forums seem to be helping (thanks for all of the insight!), but I'm still having a hard time understanding why the desire to dress? He says it's just something within him that drives him to do it and he can't explain why. I'd say I'm at the "tolerating" point--I've never seen him dressed and, frankly, I don't want to. I'd like to consider myself a somewhat open-minded person, and being this way is what is helping me get through this and not "heading for the hills". I don't mind the occasional dressing if it is what makes him feel good, but I'm afraid it could lead to a constant need for him, and I'm not sure I can live with that. His drives come and go and he says that he doesn't have, or care to have, an en femme name. Are there MTF's out there who are satisified with the occasional "dressing session"? Thanks for any help that can be offered!

[Echo Logical]

Are there MTF's out there who are satisified with the occasional "dressing session"?

Yes, there are, and I am one of them. I would like to dress a little more often than I currently do, but not all the time.

I like being a guy, and like doing guy things. I also have a feminine side and occasionally like to be able to express tht side in feminine clothing/makeup/jewelry.

The simple truth is that the frequency of need/desire to dress is, and the amount of dressing(underclothes only to full female presentation) is as varied as the men who have the need and desire.

[SatinDoll00]

I can tell you this much...CDing is something that, from what I have seen and experienced, starts young. Personally, I think it was one of the earliest sexual experiences I ever had. As to 'why' do we dress...

...I don't think there is a clear, easy answer for that. Why does anyone do the things they do?? If you are a fan of certain activity, be it tennis, watching television, anything...why do you do it?? I am not the best person here to ask about relations between an SO and a CD. I have not told my wife yet. I know I should tell her. Let me ask, if you had a chance to NOT know, would you take it?? I know this would be very hard for me to accept if the shoe was on the other foot.

If you love him, and you love him for who he is, try to understand that what he is doing is not about you...it’s a part of him. I know that sounds like a cop-out, but at least for me, CDing is a part of who I am. Morgan is a part of who I am. If I didn't know better, I'd say it was a split personality disorder...but that can't be because I know who I am when I am Morgan, etc. etc.

Understanding where he is coming from by understanding where many of us are coming from may help you.

I am always willing to answer any questions about CDing you may have, but are afraid to ask him. I actually sort of would like to know your questions, it will help me to prepare for I know I must do.

Morgan

[kittypw GG]

Laney, the important part is to be true to yourself. Set reasonable boundries and don't buy into the whole attitude that you HAVE to accept everything that your hubby desires. A relationship is about both people. If you want to stay married then you both have to come to a comprimise. Be respectful and considerate, this is a two way street by the way. Remember that this is your life also and neither partner should have to give while the other takes. I am one of those nurturing females who tried to be overly understanding and took a back seat only to find out that I was overwhelmed and underappreciated. I had to take my power back before I was consumed by something that I was only marginally interested in. I gave this freely and became resentful. Don't let that happen to you. Like I said be reasonable and talk, talk and talk some more. Welcome and we are all here to help eachother figure things out. I don't think I get the whole thing and I have known since I met my hubby, about 1999. Life with a cd is sort of a rollercoaster. Some days I stand in admiration of my hubby then other days I shake my head in utter confusion about what drives this thing called crossdressing. You know what, at times a lot of them feel the same way. See ya around and when you get 10 posts join the gg forum. We are a nutty bunch, in a good way. :hugs: Kitty

[Stephenie S]

[Are there MTF's out there who are satisified with the occasional "dressing session"?"]

Dear Laney,

Yes there are. Many.

If you truly feel as tolerant as you state, this situation may never develope into a problem. Many, many, males crossdress only occasionally. Many males who CD are perfectly satisfied with dressing once or twice a month, some more often and some less often.

And believe me, there are many who would give their eye teeth to have a wife as tolerant as you seem to be.

Now that said, this does escalate for some of us. Unfortunately there are no hard and fast rules to determine who will progress and who won't. You are just going to have to wait and see, hon. Remember, marriage is a compromise, and it should not be just one of you that does the compromising. If you have some limits, it's best to state them clearly and soon. Some wives say, "Do what you want but not around me". Some wives draw the line at going out "en femme". Some wives draw the line at certain articles of clothing. Some draw the line at altering the body, and so forth. I am sure your hubby does not desire to "freak you out". He will appreciate knowing just where the bounderies are. Talk this out, and then talk some more. Adult communication is the key here. It just won't work any other way.

Remember, crossdressing is neither imoral, illegal, nor fattening. There can be a lot of guilt and shame associated with crossdressing, and there absolutely should not be. There is absolutely nothing wrong with this activity, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with your husband for doing this.

Lovies,
Stephenie

PS - Read Kittypw's post above again. Then read it again. Then print it out and keep it. This is an important concept, and you should remember it.

[Toyah]

Of course there are lots of us that dont want to dress full time or even for a whole day. Not all of us want to go out in the world, my wife would not be happy with me if I wanted to go out dressed so i dont. It sounds as if you can set a framework where he can dress but you set some rules and boundary's you can work this one out

[Shelly Preston]

Hi and welcome to the forum

I know its difficult to understand what is happening but i know we will be able to help you understand and then you can decide how you feel

There are different levels of dressing and you will need to decide between you both where that point is

I suggest when you have 10 post you maty want to join the GG forum and chat with otheres who have been through the same thing in the meantime if you think I can help let me know

[Holly]

Hi Laney. First of all I want to commend you for taking the initiative in trying to learn more about trans gender issues in general and cross dressing in particular. When your husband tell you that he doesn't know why he like to dress, he is probably telling you the truth. Many of us do not know why.

I think it's lovely that you don't mind the occasional dressing... it's a lot more than many wives/SO's will tolerate. A word of advice... don't sacrifice your own feelings to spare his. The two of you need to talk things out. Establish boundaries, what is and is not acceptable. The two of you will need to realize the agreements you reach are dynamic and subject to change but you must both agree that changes are not to be made unilaterally but by mutual agreement. Both must be willing to give and take.

Lastly don't be afraid to ask questions, both here and at home. This place is all about support for both the TG and their families/friends. I hope you find what you are looking for.

[Just Jess]

I've spent a lot of time trying to figure out "why" I feel like I need to dress. I don't dress all of the time, but I feel better about myself after I spend a couple of hours dressed just doing normal stuff. Crossdressing is frequently sexual for me, but a part of me just enjoys getting dressed up, throwing on some make up, and cooking or cleaning or just watching a baseball game.

If I could figure out "why" I dress, I would probably be able to stop, but really, after I've spent a long time coming to terms with what and who I am, I honestly don't want to know. I am comfortable with who I am and I'm not hurting anyone, so as long as I'm okay with it, I think it's fine. I enjoy being a guy. I don't have issues with who I really am. Sometimes I want to be a girl, but then I get dressed and I generally feel a lot better and I actually like getting dressed back in my guy clothes.

Ultimately, your husband really needs your support on this. I've never had a girlfriend that I've shared both sides of myself with, but deep down I've always wanted to tell them and let them know about this part of my life. It's hard keeping it secret and I get a little worried from time to time when I've just dressed and they come home and I'm afraid I've left out a breast form or a shirt. I actually did leave a shirt out one night but my girlfriend at the time didn't see it. Just support him. I know it's probably really tough and I'm certain it's hard for someone who doesn't dress to understand the need for it. But I'm sure that he just really wants you to understand that it's a part of him that he legitimately can't help but desire. As long as he gives you the love and support that you need, just try to give him the same.

(Sorry if this sounds preachy).

[Robin Leigh]

Welcome, Laney! :hugs: Thanks for joining the forum. I hope we can help you to understand your husband better.


After 6 mos of marriage, I found out about my husband's CD'ing--the hard way. You know, a suspicious package arrives in the mail, then finding out about what it was on the computer.That must have been quite a shock. At least you didn't accidentally catch him fully dressed up. :D



I'm still having a hard time understanding why the desire to dress? He says it's just something within him that drives him to do it and he can't explain why. Many of us try to come up with reasons why we engage in this behaviour. Current scientific theory is that we crossdress because that's the way we were born. It has almost nothing to do with the way we were raised or the masculine & feminine influences we were exposed to during childhood. The theory is that while we were embryos, areas in our brain became feminized due to female hormones from our mothers. This can have various effects on gender identity & sexuality, depending on when it happens during pregnancy, and so we get a range of various different types of CDer. Environmental factors then trigger and fine tune this basic potential, creating even more diversity in the TG continuum.


I'd say I'm at the "tolerating" point--I've never seen him dressed and, frankly, I don't want to.That's fair enough. It's your choice, since he wasn't willing to share this important information with you before marriage. However, I suspect that you do have some kind of mental image of your husband dressed up, and that this has an effect on your feelings towards his CDing. Perhaps you should consider looking at a photo of him en femme. I know some people won't like the look of me when I'm dressed en femme, but I prefer that they dislike the reality, rather than some picture in their imagination. :)


I'd like to consider myself a somewhat open-minded person, and being this way is what is helping me get through this and not "heading for the hills". I don't mind the occasional dressing if it is what makes him feel good, but I'm afraid it could lead to a constant need for him, and I'm not sure I can live with that. His drives come and go and he says that he doesn't have, or care to have, an en femme name. Are there MTF's out there who are satisified with the occasional "dressing session"? If you weren't open-minded you wouldn't be here. Many women in your situation would have dropped him like a hot potato. He did the Wrong Thing hiding this from you.

You need to talk to him about this. You both need to agree on limits to his dressing, so it doesn't become a wedge between you, and so he doesn't go overboard. When we dress up too much, it tends to get boring, so you'd be doing him a favour. :)

We don't need to dress all the time, but we do need to do it every now & again, or we start going a bit batty. :) For some, that may be once a fortnight or once a month. Some can happily survive on dressing fully 3 or 4 times a year. But we all tend to dress more when going through life or relationship crises (or we stop dressing completely in some crises). Pressuring a CDer about their dressing usually has the opposite of the desired effect, as many of us have learned when we've tried to repress our CDing.

Good luck!

:hugs:

Robin

[Laney GG]

Thanks for all of the responses (and bear with me since I'm new)! :hugs: I have to give my husband a lot of credit because he is very open and is willing to talk about it anytime. He is seeing a counselor and I'm starting next week. Overall, I feel we have a great relationship and I don't want to give it up because of something that's not "socially" acceptable. I guess as a GG, it can be a very hard pill to swallow when you find out that your husband likes to dress like a woman. Honestly, when he admitted to me that he likes to wear women's clothes and what I found wasn't for "someone else", I didn't know what to think! Some of the first feelings I had was feeling "inadequate" as a woman (even though he reassured me over and over it isn't that at all). I guess I have my own self esteem issues and when you have to worry about your husband looking better in a dress than you, it can cut like a dull knife! Then, of course, the scariest thing is that he will discover that he will want to go full time and possibly transition. We're hoping counseling will help us cope and help him find his way. Plus we've been researching and reading some books that are helping me to understand. I understand that he has to do what makes him happy and I can't and won't hold him back. As of now, we have our agreements on when he dresses (mainly when I'm not around). I don't think he's ready for me to see him en femme anyway, which is just fine with me at this time.

[Davinnia]

It probably wasn't the ideal way to to discover your husband's CD secret. I know the hell of waiting for a parcel to arrive,hoping I'd be first home to find it to avoid questions.The life of a closet CD is one of guilt & fear of discovery by their SO & once it is "out there" that aspect is replaced by having to try & explain his reasons,will he lose everything he holds dear etc.
When I recently came out to my wife,she accepted the fact of dressing as something that I need to do. My answer to why I feel that need is that I always have,since childhood, I don't know why,as such. Her biggest fears were that I could still be hiding something,even from myself & that things could escalate much further,such as,what if visitors suddenly arrive & I'm seen,[the social shame] wanting to go out dressed,[the risks involved] meet other CD'er, or get fed up with her & want to find someone who would embrace my CDing.[the distrust & loss of our marriage] I told her that I'd never wanted to go out dressed or take things further,if I did I have had many years to do so,"ve never been caught in 40 years. I love my wife completely,that is my No.1 priority,but I can't give up dressing, but I do appreciate the fears she has so LOTS OF WORK TO BE DONE by me.
If your husband says he only needs to dress occasionaly,for a few hours, in privacy, he probably means it. I say it & I know I mean it. I'm fed up of being dishonest & secretive,but I still want it to be private. My wife's going out tomorrow evening & I'll tell her I may dress for a while. She hasn't seen me dressed except for some photos I took to show her. She said she didn't recognise ME in the photos, it was just somebody wearing women's clothes & did I expect her to say "Wow, you look lovely or Very pretty,Dear". I just wanted her to see me dressed,that this was what CDing meant,I didn't dress like a hooker, I liked to look tasteful,& once she'd seen me I could't un-show her the photos.She didn't pretent to "get it" but I explained how wonderful & relaxing it felt & how thrilling it was to dress completely.If she would like to help me or offer advice that would be nice,but I'm not ready to present myself in front of her yet,But I would be at sometime if she felt ready. Showing her the photos was very nervewracking as it exposed the very core of my being,noone had ever seen that deeply into my Self & it was the best thing I've ever done in terms of well being.
She is trying to be very understanding & I'm trying to do the same from her view. I don't rant on about it,it's not our only topic & we can talk about it. We still love each other for the reasons we married in the first place& that's amazing. I tell her how lucky I am,I'd never find anyone else who understands me so well.
I don't know if this is any help, I don't consider myself an expert on giving advise,far from it, it's simply my own experience,which I never thought I'd be sharing.
One last thought. We discussed who among our male friends could also be CD. We realised it could be none or all of them,how would we know ? The mate I return a borrowed powertool to could have been dressed in heels,dress & makeup an hour before.[It's happened to me ! } They have no idea about me either,just my SO knows & that's enough. There are plenty of CDers in society & the world hasn't stopped turning,so there's no reason your's should stop either.There are many CDers who would love a wife who is trying to understand ,be supportive & work through this as brilliantly as you are. I'm sure your husband realises how wonderful you are as well.
I wish you "Bon Chance" for the future

[BarbaraTalbot]

we have for ourselves, some we have answers for some we dont.

What does it mean? Am I gay? Do I have identity issues? is this a "progressive" (gets more intense over time) "Condition". and on and on.

Sounds like he is on track to figure these things out and is open to talking to you about what he figures out about himself.

I am new to this in me. I've never imagined in the past or now that I would want to transition, and the urge to dress waxes and wanes with no apparent outside stimulous. As far as satisfied with the "ocaisional dressing" thats all I did for 35 years, and never in full, never with make-up and etc. Recently it came on strong and my understanding wife had the same exact method of discovery you had, I was able to talk to her about it a month before my big plan to figure out how to be pretty then show her (like that would help??!!). Initially with acceptance came an increase in desire to dress and frequency went up, but as I got used to the freedom I am back to where I was, its fun and stimulating, but I can quit anytime..(really...hands trembling...) and am more occasional in my expressions. For a while I was worried my crossdressing blog was getting ruined by all the cooking and car talk.

I think he will experience periods of more interest and less interest, but from what I have read, men who dress do it in their own unique way and if he is where he is with it at his age it is fairly established. It seems highly unlikely that he'll suddenly be a gay lounge singer in drag by next week, or ever. We are who we are, it doesn't get (cringes and ducks before saying) "worse".

[nataliecd77]

Hi Laney, welcome to the forum!
First off I must congratulate you on being as open minded of an indivual as you are.

Communication at this point is the most important part of getting thru this. Both of you need to calmly sit down together and try to reach boudaries that are mutually acceptable.

As far as why he dresses, I wish I could help myself ( if only to help my wife )understand that. I will say that he made a bad choice in not informing you earlier in ya'lls relationship! Although from the CD side of things there is a big tendency to try and repress or at least hide the CDing. Alot of that stems from us not understanding it ourselves. That and societies sterotypes of CDs also "tells" many of us that this is not something that we want people to know. It's all rather confusing for GGs as well as CDs.

Just calmly rationally communicate with each other, it can be an annoying experience, a frighteneing one and sometimes it can be fun. I must also admit that having a supportive GG as a wife she has helped me truly appreciate what a real woman goes thru day to day and it has positively affected our relationship.
As far as dressing daily or progressing to transitioning, there are no real obvious signs per see. Some CDs such as myself ( with SOs knowing and acceptance) have more leeway than others. I stay shaven and normally have painted toe nails and wear girly panties all day everyday but thats usually as far as I go. Occasionally 1-2 times a month I'll get totally girly, but thats all dependiong on mine and hers moods. We have gone out enfemme before but dont anymore due to where we now live. It's all about communicating what bothers you about such situations and why and listening to the same from him and somehwere in the middle there will be ground that both of you can live with.

Love,
Natalie

btw I think this is the longest post I've ever made!

[Felixi]

Not trying to be too personal here, and also attempting to understand about the accidental discovery of my lifelong friend's CDing, I too frequent these forums to try to get aq better grasp of the why he does it.

It seems to me that in some people there is simply an urge to dress as a female. Yet, some are admitting to it being something sexual. This is where I can't seem to grasp it.

By being "sexual", are you saying simply aroused? Or arousal and then some sort of gratification (either self or with SO). Aparently my friend has gone to the point of meeting another CD (MTF) and engaged in some "fun". If this fun involves sex, it would at least mean he is bi. Yet, for all the years I've known him, he speaks in very bad terms abouth those who engage in this lifestyle. You see why it is not such a lifestyle that is difficult to comprehend so easily. It is an enigma of grand proportions.

[Glenda58]

I was when I first started dressing but after hiding it for years. The first wife didn't know till we were married 14 yrs. We were busy with the kids and friends, work. That I didn't have time or a need to dress. Then after a Halloween Party where I was the Hostess she found out I like dressing up and I found out that I wanted more. 4 yrs later we split. Didn't dress the hole time single spend 3 yrs chasing women. Got married again didn't tell her till 6 months in she didn't like it made me purge many times had lots of fights over it. When she got sick and I spend the next 6 months taking care of her she figured that CDing didn't make me a bad person and that she wanted to work things out. After she pass away I promise to tell anyone I date that I was a CDer. Had one lady I thought was OK with it but after 3 yrs she's gone. Now I dress when I want. But I don't do it with my family and some of my coworkers. I didn't get a en femme name till I got here.

But if you are willing to let him dress from time to time and have more things hes likes to do. He could stay like this for years without going any farther and be happy.

[NZ_Dawn]

Are there MTF's out there who are satisified with the occasional "dressing session"? Thanks for any help that can be offered!

Yes, Im one. You have probably decsribed a scenario/situation which is repeated many many times over and over again. My SO and I fit this what you decsribe. The extent and ferquency changes. It has increased recently, but Im not sure if that is related to my wife now knowing and 'somehat tolerant' or the actual desire or need to satisfy the desire to CD. My wife discovered my other self some 3 months ago. She is still tryng to figure it all out, while I, perhaps like your husband, cant give a definitive answer as to the WHY. I can say the level of communication has improved and increased dramatically for the better after 19yrs of marriage. All the best.

[Sweet Jane]

I suppose it is a huge shock when you realise that someone you know well turns out to have this duality about them. This secret somewhat embarrassing aspect.

I have found it so difficult to say sit down dear, "I have something to say...."and then off load a secret that you've kept about wearing womens clothes all your life. I know as I have done it twice!! the risk is sometimes a problem shared can become a problem doubled!!

Why do we crossdress...I can only answer this for me.
Ever since I was a child (maybe 7 or 8), I have wanted to wear girls clothes. Through puberty I wanted so much to be a girl, but I liked girls too. It didn't make sense to me, maybe it still doesn't??. I still thought that I was the wrong gender, and had a raft of girlfriends. I wasn't interested in guys, and I still am not.

Next I met the most fabulous person, fell in love and got married. All the while I had put the womanly behaviour away. I didn't feel the need to dress and I thought that all this was behind me. There was no internet and assistence for gender issues in the town I lived in, and I had honestly thought that I would become the societal norm. This was 1981 through to about 1988/89.

Then as suddenly as the urge disappeared, it came back. I was mortified. I just had this overwhelming compulsion to feminise myself again. Its like my brain is just wired to be this way??? About 1990/91, I told my wife about me wearing womens clothes, but she sort of interupted and I never quite finished everything I wanted to say. There were lots of questions about my sexuality, about the underwear, about why. But I couldn't answer, because I had no answers. I had just always been like this.

Recently I had the talk again, and explained exactly where I am at...sites like this gave me some information and tools to at least be a bit prepared this time. The questioning wasn't so bad, I suppose because she knew that I did dress in womens things..she had known for about 16 years.

So to sum up, I don't know the answer to the "why"..its certainly not for any sexual pleasure..in fact I am less likely to feel sexual dressed in womans clothes than dressed as a guy. I think I am this way because I somehow got a wire crossed and I have this quite "odd" obsession to appear feminine. I am still happily married and in all that time I have been faithful, never having any desire to "play dressing games" with other CDs or to be with men. My dressing is solely about finding peace with me...with the conflicts in my head and body.

I'm sorry, but thats the best I can do......its so hard to explain away something that even confuses...and at times embarrasses me!!!! I hope it helps.

[Rachel Morley]

Are there MTF's out there who are satisified with the occasional "dressing session"?
Hello Laney,

I'm not sure what is the definition of "occasional dressing" because it differs for each individual person. However, I do want to tell you that before I met my wife when I was single and living alone I didn't dress that often ... maybe once every month or two. I tended to do it when I was feeling somewhat depressed or lonely or whenever I felt the world was upon me. It was something I did when I wanted to "be nice to myself".

Crossdressers (just like everyone else in the world) come in many shapes and sizes and we all have different likes and dislikes about this wonderful thing that we enjoy. Everyone here knows that wearing women's clothes feels nice. They grip you in different places than men's clothes, the textures of silk, satin and lace feel different on your body and that strange different feeling is nice, and we like it....and that's totally ok. :happy: The only problem we have is that we sometimes tend to feel guilty about enjoying this feeling because it's not exactly a mainstream activity and we feel self conscious about doing it.

I recommend you talk with your husband about just exactly what he "feels like" when he is dressed and then you can (somewhat) make a determination as to where on the TG scale your hubby is and hopefully this will put your mind at ease. Be assured, this (cding) is a fairly big thing (in the sense that more people do it - or think about it - than you might think) in the world. I think it's fair to say that the majority of us are somewhat closeted and do not want to live full time or have SRS because we (crossdressers unlike transsexuals) are not that serious about it. :2c:

I hope it all works out for you.

[SatinDoll00]

[quote=Rachel Morley;957808]Hello Laney,

Everyone here knows that wearing women's clothes feels nice. They grip you in different places than men's clothes, the textures of silk, satin and lace feel different on your body and that strange different feeling is nice, and we like it....and that's totally ok. The only problem we have is that we sometimes tend to feel guilty about enjoying this feeling because it's not exactly a mainstream activity and we feel self conscious about doing it.

quote]

I could not express it better...at least as to why I started dressing. To any male out there that wants to understand: simply find a pair of satin panties, put them on, and brush yourself against anything. You will understand. You may not develop the desires, the hunger, the sheer duality, that some of us have...but you will understand why many of us began doing what we do. Perhaps it is like gambling, or a sport. Once you start, you seek perfection at what you do. Who knows? For me, dressing is still somewhat a turn on, but it has not been a source of intense physical pleasure for many years. I think that the sensation of such a slippery material against the male genitalia, as well as the nipples, is the beginning of this path for many, if not all, of us (at least those that are not BSing themselves). For example, take a look on Ebay for the number of panties available with built in masturbation sleeves made of satin.

Is this why I dress now? Absolutely not. But I have to admit, upon trying on my first feminine garment, it is what hooked me.

Morgan

[rustynail]

Are there MTF's out there who are satisified with the occasional "dressing session"? Thanks for any help that can be offered!

Hi
I have been content with wearing lingerie, (stockings, panties and slips) under male clothes for several decades. The main reason is because it feels so fantatsic. The urge gets greater when my SO and I are not so close and i feel in need of affection and a bit of personal attention. I have a desparate need to feel close to my woman, and somehow wearing silky intimates enables me to feel this without being unfaithful with another woman. Funnily, if my wife stopped disapproving I would probably dress less, but the desire would never go away completely.
Good luck, he loves you but wants to feel nice everywhere, especially with you.

[Sheri 4242]

Laney,

I was about to shut the computer down when I saw your thread. Three quick comments:

(1.) Get ten posts written b/c you'll then be able to join the GG-only forum. We've got some great GG's on here -- and I'll bet each of them have something deeply in common with you to various degrees. It may help if you can comminicate with them directly!!!

(2.) Research many of the old threads on this forum that discuss why a CDer is a CDer.

(3.) And, realize that much of what caused you to fall in love with your husband may be directly related to his being a CDer.

In the meantime, while we (we CDers) are all different, there is a great deal that many of us have in common. IMO, for you to be able to proceed proactively, you need to learn everything you can from us on the forum, and from the literature that is available, AND from your husband. For example, it is estimated that 10% of the adult male population of the U.S. are mtf heterosexual CDers (I think the percentage is higher, but 10% is what you'll see most). What makes us this way? Well, there are many theories -- AND some of these are based in science -- being born this way for this reason or that. So, in other words, many of us feel we are what we are b/c that is how we were born -- be it an extreme in the hormone bath all fetuses are exposed to, or an abnormality in the size of a certain cluster of brain cells, or many, many other thoughts and theories. Many of us have known we were CDers and have been CDng to some degree from a very early age (3-4). Most of us have lived with a tremendous amount of fear, guilt, and shame. We've gone through endless "purges" (throwing away all of our feminine clothing) and swearing we'd never CD again, just to start over again.

What many of us have been through has been nothing short of a tortured life!

Some mtf heterosexual CDers just want to underdress (like just want to wear panties under their male clothing) -- some want to do this daily, some not. Some want to dress more fully in private at home -- and with some, having an accepting GG is the ultimate of ultimate dreams! Some want to dress and go out and try and pass. Frequency levels differ, just as the exact nature of what your husband wants to do may differ from me, and I may differ from the next person, and so on.

Well, that's a very quick :2c: worth of advice. Just remember that there is nothing wrong with you asking your husband to talk to you openly and honestly -- and for him to then give you time to process what you've been told. You may then have new questions -- you may want to reaffirm some points he has said. That's okay!!! "If" you are okay with some of it, tell him so -- AND tell him you are setting such as a boundary. Boundaries are good b/c they'll give you a chance to learn and grow, while giving him some freedom to be himself in whatever way yall have established. AND, boundaries can always be moved as things progress!!!

Best Wishes!!!

~~~Sheri~~~

[noname]

I don't know your situation and it may not be as bad as you think. You'll find there are all types of crossdressers. Some try to appear as a female, other just dress but stay in their homes. Others like me are just style deprived guys. So I wouldn't immediately assume the rocky horror picture show.

Myself, I find mens clothing boring. The colors are usually pretty drab, the cuts are strait, and the fabrics are stiff and rough. Womens clothes tend to use softer fabrics, have stretch, along with a wide range of cuts. For instance, I could not find mens boot jeans that were not baggy and falling off my rear. So I went out and bought womens boot cut jeans. So it may not be so much as appear as a woman as it is needing a change or something different.

He may flounder around and buy some odd things or outlandish outfits. But I would guess he's trying to find himself. Never before has he had infinite clothing choices and he has not had the time or guidance from friends to find what look works for him and what doesn't.

/ believes in equal right for everyone
// yes that includes clothing

[Satrana]

Laney

You need to do a few things

1. Keep in mind that he has been a cd for a long time probably since mid-childhood so this has absolutely nothing to do with you or your sexuality.

2. You have to re-program your mind to appreciate that a man in a dress looks ok, it is just a matter of getting used to a new look - just spend time looking at images here, at first you may laugh but after a while you see it is just a person trying to look pretty. Then you have to reprogram your mind that there is nothing wrong with a man being pretty.

3. When you wear a T-shirt and jeans instead of a dress, do you think your husband is sexually put-off by your looks? Does he not see you as you no matter what clothes you wear? Learn to think the same way. Clothes are just on the surface, the person underneath is the same. Just think how hurt you would feel to be judged so harshly by your appearance.

I am glad to see you have decided not to hold him back. Through these difficult times, you must remember he is person you love who deserves your highest respect and trust. Imposing petty restrictions on him would only lead to long term resentment. A big part of acceptance is understanding that his crossdressing is not something you can or should control. It is his responsibility to ensure he does not do something silly.




It seems to me that in some people there is simply an urge to dress as a female. Yet, some are admitting to it being something sexual. This is where I can't seem to grasp it. By being "sexual", are you saying simply aroused? Or arousal and then some sort of gratification (either self or with SO).

That is an easy answer. Most CDs discover their condition before puberty. Crossdressing is an essentially a tool kids adopt because they are struggling with their gender role in society. However we are also mostly normal hetrosexual men conditioned to respond to the feminine look. When puberty hits, we respond naturally to the feminine image in the mirror, it just happens to be our own image rather than that of a female. And yes boys will of course seek gratification. From thereon, the sexual connection with crossdressing becomes established and often becomes the major reason for crossdressing.

But it is important to remember that we did not start crossdressing because we were looking for a new way to get off. That was nothing more than a by-product of our heterosexual conditioning.

The degree of sexuality in the crossdressing is usually negatively correlated with the degree of transgenderness of the personality. Minor transgenderness will likely result in a sexual focus while major transgenderness will likely result in an emotional focus with a spread in-between.

[Tamera]

Hi Laney,
First;
You are 6 months into your marriage which is good. For this will let you know if you can continue his life style through your marriage or let it go.

2cd.
Every TG person has their LEVEL of dress. And that includes how frequent, amount of clothes, desires, etc.

3rd.
Why do we dress. As stated it comes at an early age. As is due to a Hormonal Imbalance.

4th.
Sexual desires. This varies to the person as well and can change from one day to the next.
TG's can be straight, Bi, Gay, Etc.
Feelings toward the Female Gender can vary as well. Some don't want anything to do with the Male Gender but dress because it satisfies the need inside them.

5th.
Then why get married? Well we live a double life. And marriage satisfies the Male side of our lives. This is how we were raised, yet may/may not be the way we wanted to be raised.

6th.
Many, Many marriages have TG spouses. Most I would say have limits where very few won't. Talk to him about his LEVEL of TG and his sexual needs and desires.

7th.
Having a meeting with your doctor, psychiatrist, or therapist, either alone or together can also help.

Keep asking questions, that's why we are here.
Hugs,
Tamera

[Marcie Sexton]

Patience, patience, patience...if nothing else use Job as a role model...I know my wife had a really hard time understanding, first she thought there was the other woman, then she thought I would end up a woman, but alsa I only dress...after some really long talks, lots of tears and a great deal of understanding from her we came to an understanding...

She has been a supporter since then, not only for me but also for the equal rights of everyone...no matter who. She is my makeup artis, photographer, but most of all she is my wife and my lover...

Above all there must be total truth and honesty between the two of you...

Hope this helps, Good Luck...

[Dita_B]

I don't mind the occasional dressing if it is what makes him feel good, but I'm afraid it could lead to a constant need for him, and I'm not sure I can live with that.

IMHO I think this is where the core of the problem is.

You will have to come to terms with whether or not you can live with it. Only you can make that decision and weigh it against what is at stake, such as your marriage. Period.

Consider though that it has to do with stereotyping and conditioning. A woman seeks a male, because she wants that male influence in her life. And a certain (stereotype) expectation that comes with it. And when the rug is pulled from under that expectation, because that male that she seeks, now all of a sudden expresses as a female, causes great confusion...

But don't forget where this confusion comes from. It comes from inside of you, as a result of your conditioning and the stereotyping of the male image in the world at large. Your husband is exploring his female side... and so what? He is still the guy you fell in love with and married. The only difference is that he is pushing your (conditioned) boundaries by presenting a female image. If you consider giving up your marriage because you can't come to terms with that, nobody can help you but yourself...

For what concerns the dressing? I speak for myself when I say that I LOVE women. I love women so much that I want to express myself as one. I love the image of the woman in the mirror much more than my male image. When my female self discovered the potentials of the immense arsenal of attributes a woman has at her disposal to express herself (and to seduce the men in her life) and compared that to the utilitarian nature of that what is at the man's disposal, I discovered a whole new and very exciting world that I eagerly wanted to explore. Nothing could stop me from doing that.

The rest is all history. Once underway, I pushed my boundaries in this new field on my way to perfection, as I do with everything I undertake, may it be work related or cross dressing. So now I am working at the ultimate stage: passing as a woman in public. And it gives me a mighty thrill as I do that. A same kind of thrill as landing a huge contract, but with a twist. Because there is something sexual involved in cross dressing that gives it an extra dimension. Sexual, because one crosses the sexes, not because I want to attract male sexual attention... Hell NO. My focus when out dressed is still very male and I still notice and scan every pretty female I encounter.

So in resume, once I tasted cross dressing I was hooked and it will never go away. If my wife would insist I stop it, I would find other ways, because I firmly believe that I have the right to express myself in the way I want to. Luckily she agrees with that. And if the situation would be reversed and she would like to express herself as man, I wouldn't have any problem with that.

:love:Dita.

[Sally24]

Crossdressing can be just a sexual thing. In many cases, if not most, it is a gender thing. Depending on which it is for him will determine if things change, increase or not. If he isn't ito the whole make-up, wig, name and the full package than he may not be interested in taking it any further than where he is now. If he won't talk about it then it would be really difficult for you to determine what he needs from this.

[TxKimberly]

Hello Laney!
Well, as with anything else in life, there is no "one size fits all" with your questions. What is true for me may not be true for your hubby, but there are some generalities that are true for the majority of us.
Most of us ARE just into it part time. The majority of our lives are spent doing the job, husband, father thing just like any other guy. With the vast majority, you do not need to worry about him some day deciding he is going to go full time or more.
Now as to the "why" - that's the $64,000 question. If you can answer that one CD's and PHD's around the world will be singing your praises and erecting statues in your honor. Again with the disclaimer that what is true for one (me)does not mean its true for all, I can tell you a little of how I feel. From a very early age (Somewhere between 4 and 6 I think) I have felt the urge. I wanted to wear the pretty dresses, I wanted the ribbons and bows, I wanted the pretty hair. Most of my life I have felt ugly and unattractive, but when I do the Kim thing, for just a moment I feel pretty, I feel beautiful. For just those few hours I get to be the butterfly instead of the worm. In many ways a lot of us aren't so different from your average woman. Just as you may, we look at a beautiful dress, shoes, sparklies and we want to have them for the same reasons - they are beautiful and we will be or feel beautiful with them.
It's not an answer to your questions, but it is the best I can do to try and give you some small bit of insight into it.
Best wishes!

[kassandra richard]

For me it's a strong urge, likely because the thing that is supposed to bring a man fulfillment -- his job -- is depressing to me. I know that when I was very busy in my job (in another company) the urge to dress wasn't really there although it hit a couple of times. Since I was let go in 2003 it's something that has built and now Kassandra has popped up :) So, for me, it seems to be a way to combat stress in an unfulfilled existence.

Now, this doesn't mean that my life as a guy is unfulfilled outside of work. With a wife, two kids, and a busy life in church roles (okay, that's another discussion altogether :o ) I have reason to be happy, but the dressing seems to compensate for something else.

As for frequency, sure I'd probably like to dress more often, but owing to family life and other things, it's only a few times a month, and in varying states of completeness.

The sexual part of things is becoming (maybe already is) a non-issue. I'm hetero so I'm not looking to attract guys. If there is arousal it's from looking in the mirror and figuring that I'm not half bad :)

Kassandra

[sherri]

I'm afraid it could lead to a constant need for him, and I'm not sure I can live with that. His drives come and go and he says that he doesn't have, or care to have, an en femme name. Are there MTF's out there who are satisified with the occasional "dressing session"?
I'm curious as to how long your husband has been dressing? If he is fairly new at it, it is possible that he is as yet unaware of how far his desire may lead him. I think the evidence is pretty clear that for most, crossdressing is progressive, and for some, it can be compulsive. But before you let those factoids alarm you, let me hasten to add that most of us are perfectly capable of maintaining some sort of balance in our lives, especially when loved ones are involved.

Several people have replied in this thread that it is important to them to continue their "guy" lives, and I believe them. Your husband may well be one of them. Others, like me, would love to live full-time in some sort of fem mode (and yes, that has been a progressive process), but circumstances prevent that possibility. Why? Usually it's because loved ones and work are too important to us to see them compromised or damaged. You can and should take heart in that fact.

Another thing I'd like to point out to you is that your husband's dressing may or may not be limited to clothes and appearance. Maybe it's just an outlet or fetish for him, but it might also reflect a degree of femininity in his personality and character. If you're the kind of woman that likes her man to be "all man", that possibility might be alarming, but I would strongly urge you to consider that this side of him can be very rewarding for both of you. You might actually like that side of him if you give it a chance.

Also, don't make the mistake of letting his dressing make you feel inadequate in some way. That is way off base. Trust me, your husband loves you and your femininity. In a way, his dressing is an indication of just how much he empathizes and identifies with you. Consider it as a form of flattery, not rejection.

Finally, I would like to direct your attention to the role models here on the forum that might make you feel better about this whole thing. There are many wonderful gurls here that I'm sure can help, but I don't know most of them very well. I can tell you that one in particular -- Holly -- strikes me as someone who is in a very loving relationship, has been successful in life, and has been able to balance her dressing with the rest of life to a remarkable degree. It can be done, and it can be rewarding for both of you.

[Daphne Renee]

Also, don't make the mistake of letting his dressing make you feel inadequate in some way. That is way off base. Trust me, your husband loves you and your femininity. In a way, his dressing is an indication of just how much he empathizes and identifies with you. Consider it as a form of flattery, not rejection.



I agree with this 100%. His dressing does not mean your inadequate in any way shape or form. I cant speak for all cd'ers but ,I would say most of us are doing just as sherri said. Its more of a way to identify with our feminine side than anything else. Will he want to dress more and possibly transition? Only he can answer that for sure. I would say though while anything is possible its not likely to happen.
I dress only occasionally . Would I like to dress a little more often? sure but not all the time. Like other have said its best to talk to him about this and of course keep an open mind while your doing it. One last thing, you do want to have boundaries but stay away from saying things like "you cant do this or that". He is over 18 and you would not like to hear him say things like that to you.
Be careful with your words .. you can say things like " I would like it if you didn't do this or I would prefer it if you didnt.....

[Laney GG]

I'll try to give a little more background about my situation. My husband has had these feelings since a child. He's tried dealing with it and even denying it, trying whatever he could to make it go away. Of course, it never did. There was a time, his college years, where he didn't seem to have the "urges", however, he was extremely busy. He was treated for a mild form of depression during that time, and looking back on it now, he believes repressing his CD'ing urges caused this. Yes, he is a more "gentle" type of guy. He definitely has a more "caring" way about him than I guess the "typical male" may be willing to express, but I never would have expected anything like this to come up. He's also a good listener and likes my cats! :tongueout I figured it was because of his rough childhood--socially. He was that skinny, little kid that was always picked on and bullied during most of his school years. His family life was good--nothing out of the norm. He is still "soul searching". He doesn't feel the need to dress all the time nor go out in public. He, at this time, has absolutely no desire to become a woman. It's just that we have read where there have been CD's who feel content with dressing once in a while, however, years later have a change of heart and feel they need to transition. This scares the bejeebers out of both of us!! As far as seeing pics of him, well, they wouldn't be very flattering given he has a goatee and fairly thick eyebrows. He currently has everything God gave him and seems fairly content with it, except when he's en femme. At this time, it would look suspicious if he suddenly shaves his fairly hairy body and trims the brows. The goatee can go and the brow trimming would be OK to me, but I don't know if I can take the leg/arm shaving thing yet/ever. Sorry this is so wordy, but I thought I'd try to sum everything up as best as I can.

[valery]

Hi Laney,

first of all a big welcome and respect for joining this forum taking the courage to help and fight for your relationship. :love:

So, that means clearly that you're really in big love and we'll all try to help you as good as we can.
You're in the right place and you did the first proper step to get familiar with all this and to find out that you're not alone - far from it.


Are there MTF's out there who are satisified with the occasional "dressing session"?
Yes, here is one of them, but ...


It's just that we have read where there have been CD's who feel content with dressing once in a while, however, years later have a change of heart and feel they need to transition.
... you'll never have a security, even if your partner wouldn't be a CD today, he could change into a CD tomorrow. I can't even say if a therapist would be able to give future prospects about your sitiuation, but maybe you should give it a try as you're both so disturbed.


I figured it was because of his rough childhood--socially. He was that skinny, little kid that was always picked on and bullied during most of his school years. His family life was good--nothing out of the norm.
This could be possible, but there is no scientific background for those attempts to define explanations or classifications. Many people try to find all the answers and to rate the different appearances, usually by asking the wrong questions. There was a thread on this forum, where somebody tried that with the claim to put us into valued levels - really scaring.
There are many theories about the psychological how, when and why of fetishism, but only few facts.
As example - one of the biggest questions in science about gay-people was: 'genes'? What they know after lots of years today is, that there is no gay-gene - what they're still uncertain about is if genes have an effect on being/becoming gay and how this might work. So for me that's not very much and I think when they'll know I'll allready be six feet under and it will be no big deal, as nobody will ever be able to define this sweet little word "normal" as we stopped beeing normal early in the beginning - otherwise we would be out of date and history allready and some microbes would rule this world.

So at the moment international scientific, psychologists and medics represent the opinion that most of the sexual orientations popularly called fetishism are regarded normal variations of human sexuality. Even those orientations that are potential forms of fetishism are usually considered unobjectionable as long as all involved persons feel comfortable.


He doesn't feel the need to dress all the time nor go out in public. He, at this time, has absolutely no desire to become a woman.
That might be a form of transvestic fetishism, which means it's about the clothes and not the wish to change gender. I say "might" because I'm not an expert. Another close idea could be what's called autogynephilia (it's me, belongs to me), which means "love of oneself as a woman" - we all have both gender.


The goatee can go and the brow trimming would be OK to me, but I don't know if I can take the leg/arm shaving thing yet/ever. Sorry this is so wordy, but I thought I'd try to sum everything up as best as I can.
I'm sure you'll work it out, as you're already talking to each other and "hair" - that's not the basic element of your problems. Keep on asking this forum, the people here can give a lot of tips and help.

So far about theories and things written down by experts, hope it'll be of some help - but the most important thing for you and your darling is to keep on going and to talk and if things are to complicated please go and get help by a therapist or helpline and don't give up.

love take care :hugs:

here is some info for your help:
http://www.mirrorpedia.com/wiki/Sexual_fetish
http://www.mirrorpedia.com/wiki/Fetishism
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Autogynephilia
http://www.mirrorpedia.com/wiki/Transgender

[Sheri 4242]

Let me add something to what I said yesterday. I'm convincenced that most of us know where we fall on a gender spectrum. Likewise, I'm certain that there are some who crossdress who are really and truly conflicted about their gender identity versus their anatomic sex. There are some who crossdress -- and try to live as a heterosexual mtf crossdresser -- who later find that they are transsexual. This is just like there are those who are gay or lesbian who try to live as if they weren't -- even get married, have children, etc. Many know, above and beyond all doubt, where they fit on the spectrum. Many (most?) transsexuals know how they feel. Many (most?) mtf heterosexual crossdressers know for certain they are heterosexual.

What gives me pause is where you say:


IHe is still "soul searching". He doesn't feel the need to dress all the time nor go out in public. He, at this time, has absolutely no desire to become a woman. It's just that we have read where there have been CD's who feel content with dressing once in a while, however, years later have a change of heart and feel they need to transition. This scares the bejeebers out of both of us!!

While my opinion is that your husband is a heterosexual mtf crossdresser, if there is any question, doubt, or confusion, it would be in the best interest of you both to search out a qualified therapist who specializes in gender issues!!! IMHO, I think you both could benefit greatly from asssistance by someone highly trained in this area!!!



I don't know if I can take the leg/arm shaving thing yet/ever.

This area is a stumbling block for a lot of people. What I don't understand is "why" it is a problem?!! After all, do you know how many athletes and coaches regularly shave their legs, arms, pits, etc?!!! If your husband was a college football coach who shaved his legs when two-a-days started, you wouldn't think a think about it b/c it is so common.

[Satrana]

Laney

Your summary of his childhood is very typical of many of us. Often there really is nothing we can point to to explain why we crossdress except to say that at some point usually during our childhood we recognized the feminine part of ourselves, something which all men have. However while other men succumbed to male conditioning and had all traces of their feminine side eradicated through fear and bullying, we only pretended to go along with the male conditioning and hung onto our feminine side safely hidden away in our private closets.

In essence CDs are normal men who did not conform completely to male conditioning. The problem is that our "hobby" is taboo and we have experienced our feminine moments only in brief episodes of fantasy play when no-one else is around. This means our feminine side has never had the opportunity to be normalized in a social way which is why it can come across as somewhat weird and self-obsessed at times. This can be re-addressed by allowing your partner relative freedom to experiment and find his own balance. After a while the fantasy thoughts will subside and a more mature and sensible appreciation of femininity will emerge.

It really is not something that you should be afraid about, it is something that should really be celebrated as your partner is a more complete, well rounded man for the simple reason that he is not scared of expressing femininity, he does not see women as the enemy, he does not need to dominate and abuse women. Many of the problems women have with men in general result from the fact that men have had their feminine side lobotomized which leaves them unbalanced and lacking interpersonal skills. CDs identify and empathize with women whereas "normal" men feel a need to debase women to support their masculine egos.

As others have said, the problem you face is overcoming your own conditioning of what you think men are and how they should behave, what your expectations of a male partner are. If you cannot alter your concepts of manhood then there will be an ever present tension between you as you are rejecting part of who he is.

On the hair shaving, if your partner had another genuine reason to shave his hair, would you not just shrug your shoulders and carry on? It is only a big deal because you know why he wants to shave. The problem is not the shaving of the hair, it is your negative feelings towards him expressing femininity. You need to think to yourself why you are ok with him shaving off the goatee but not the body hair and ponder if this is really rational and whether you feel ok placing such conditions on him. Would you feel ok having to get his consent every time you altered your appearance by getting a new hairstyle/coloring for example? This is his hair and his decision. Do you think you may actually like his body clean shaven if you gave it a chance?

[valery]

It really is not something that you should be afraid about, it is something that should really be celebrated as your partner is a more complete, well rounded man for the simple reason that he is not scared of expressing femininity, he does not see women as the enemy, he does not need to dominate and abuse women. Many of the problems women have with men in general result from the fact that men have had their feminine side lobotomized which leaves them unbalanced and lacking interpersonal skills. CDs identify and empathize with women whereas "normal" men feel a need to debase women to support their masculine egos.

cool, great mind, love you for that :hugs:

[Khriss]

... would have been better if "She" was up-front with You to start !?
Your tolerance is the key ..perhaps ? now and ...? xx"K"

[kittypw GG]

This area is a stumbling block for a lot of people. What I don't understand is "why" it is a problem?!! After all, do you know how many athletes and coaches regularly shave their legs, arms, pits, etc?!!! If your husband was a college football coach who shaved his legs when two-a-days started, you wouldn't think a think about it b/c it is so common.

Sheri,
With all due respect, you would understand if you were attracted to men with all of their muscles and hair. I think a lot of women find, at least the chest and belly hair, very sexy. Shaving is also an obvious sign that things are not the same as before. It becomes a permanate body alteration and changes the male immage. It is different when one shaves because of a sport than if they are shaving to be more feminine. I have said before that the more femanine my hubby looks the less I am physically attracted to him. This is a natural thing being that I am a heterosexual genetic female.

On the flip side of the coin, I really don't understand why a cd man would have to shave his legs to feel feminine? Wig, makeup, undergarments, nylons etc should do it. Especially if the cd is being truthful about not being a transexual and the male presentation is the predominate expression. I want my man to be into presenting as nice of a male as he would the female. Mind you I understand the desire to shave but I don't understand the need. :idontknow: :hugs: Kitty

[Lora Olivia]

As Sheri so aptly stated "3.) And, realize that much of what caused you to fall in love with your husband may be directly related to his being a CDer." For us I know this to be true and I believe that Lisa gg is as well. The tender, communicative, emotional "man" that she married was in a large part..me, even though none of us realized the total extent of it at the time. Well thats my :2c:

[kerensa]

Hi Laney

I have been cding for about the last 30 years or so, but have always told any partner i have had what i am right from the start with mixed reactions, some have tolerated it some have accepted it and others just couldnt handle it. I have tried so hard to be a normal male and when i have failed i have got so depressed, at one point i took an overdose and tried to end it all. I dont know why i am the way i am but as i have got older i have taken a more i dont care less attitued, its my life and i will live it how i choose.
I have a really supportive wife and she just says its the cd part of me which makes me who i am- the person she fell in love with.

[Rachel Morley]

...you would understand if you were attracted to men with all of their muscles and hair. I think a lot of women find, at least the chest and belly hair, very sexy.

Kitty makes an interesting point here. I didn't really "get" this until a few years ago. I've always hated my body hair because it made feel more manly and so would remove it. One of my platonic girlfriends at the time used to always tell me I shouldn't do it if I was looking for relationship with someone like her. I asked her to explain, and she said that she loved people like Tom Selleck because the masses of black hair all over his chest and abdomen made her go weak at the knees. She said "I'm a heterosexual woman .... I'm attracted to masculine men". Now of course, she was speaking for herself and there are degrees of masculinity and each person can differ but it was the fundamentals of what makes one person attracted to another that hit me. When you get down to it, it's animal attraction. What's one person's meat is another person's poison.

[Dixie Darling]

Laney,

A lot of the concerns you've indicated are pretty much common to most crossdresser's wives. It's very possible that some of you might find some of the answers to your many questions on my web site (http://www.geocities.com/senorita_cd). In fact, it wouldn't be a bad idea for you and your husband to look at the material together and discuss it as you read it. It's a CLEAN site so there's nothing there that would be an embarrassment to you or to your husband and by discussing it as you read, you can both get a clearer picture about where you are and where things are going.

Dixie -- http://www.geocities.com/senorita_cd

[Laney GG]

Because I want a happy husband and happy marriage, I'm really trying to understand what he's going through. The first time I found out about this I made him get rid of everything. I was angry and confused and didn't want to be a part of it. So I then went through a period of denial--hey it makes the pain go away, right?! Well, it did for a period of time, but eventually I found out that he had started up his "collection" again and that's when I realized that I need to get an understanding of this or get out. Well, I'm not one to give up so easily, especially since every other part of our relationship is good. So we started talking again and we're working through it. He said that he just can't help it--it's something that he can't always control and needs this outlet. I didn't make him get rid of his newest collection this time. He's been in counseling since I first found out--about 1 1/2 yrs ago. Unfortuantely, this therapist has absolutely no experience or knowledge of this issue and it seems as if she was trying to make my husband a "project". Her idea of therapy is get on the internet and research--she couldn't give us any websites or books or any direction. We found several books which seemed quite useful--at least for those early in their plight: My Husband Betty, My Husband Wears My Clothes, Coping with Crossdressing and Trueselves(I haven't read it yet, but he has). She once encourgaed him to go en femme out in public while at an out of town work training session. My husband admitted he has absolutely no experience in the make up and trying to make himself appear more feminine. She gave him some "make up tips" and told him to go for it. Well, he did--just went to a gas station and was incredibly scared and nervous. This was about 6 mos ago. I went to a counseling session with him recently and I have to say she has no right giving any make up experience--she is very drab looking with no make up on at all--so I could only imagine that conversation:rolleyes:. At his last session, she was all about him going out to NY or LA for a couple weeks--just dress en femme f/t and see how it feels (she feels people are more open minded in bigger cities). She would "hook him up" with someone out there who could help him pass. He kept trying to tell her to stop, she's going way too fast, but she kept saying how great it would be for him! Mind you the only other person she's counseling is a 4 year old child! :eek: That's when we really buckled down and found another therapist who has experience with gender issues. My husband had his first session and already feels better about it. I'm seeing one of his doc's partners because I really need an outlet too. It's not like I can go to one of my best friends or sister to talk to about this! It's still hard enough for me to grasp, let alone trusting someone else to keep this secret while you talk about it. So I definitely agree with TRY to find a therapist with some experience or knowledge!! As far as the hair comment, my husband has a lot of dark colored hair and is not involved in sports or on chemo, so it would be difficult for him to make up an excuse to friends or family who ask. I know some of you out there say "it's just hair", but it truely is more than than that. Plus he's not willing to draw any negative attention to himself--he had enough of that in school and doesn't want to go back down a similar path again.

[Shelly Preston]

Hi Laney

You have a lot to deal with at the moment.
This therapist has no experience of tg issues as it relates to a couple
It seems as if she is not seeing the complete picture she needs to understand you are a part of a marriage which she seems not to have considered given what you have said.

I am glad you have found someone new for the counselling

I do hope you will allow us to provide the support you need
Its not an easy thing to deal with when so much is going on
You both are finding how difficult an issue it can be but its not imposible to slove

I wish you both the best of luck in getting through this :hugs:

[Laney GG]

Thanks, Shelly. I am grateful for this forum. You all have been giving me a lot of insight and I believe learning from those who are living and dealing with this is one of the best forms of therapy. I am glad for the support! :thumbsup

[noname]

Nice therapist. Ok for real though. Anyone will take your money and talk to you. Ever heard the term, you get what you pay for? As a teen my family went through several counsilors and what not. The only one that was worth anything and made a difference was the guy who has a masters degree and charged 225 an hour. I recommend finding a therapist who specializes with these issues and has a masters at the minimim. Yes it will be expensive but it's better than spending half as much on sessions that do not produce results. Besides, wouldn't it be great to find someone who could get to the heart of the matter rather than tell him to take a vacation as a girl?

[Laney GG]

Yeah, tell me about it! She seemed a bit wishy washy at the beginning, but we figured she's the professional so we'll see where this leads. All she kept wanting to do was return to his childhood--I think she was trying to play Freud or something. She didn't usually seem interested in the here and now. But at his last session when she kept advising that he go to a larger city, his bells and whistles went off. He tried to tell her to stop, but she kept going on about it. When he asked her about her experience, she said that she was couselling him and a 4 yr old child. That's when we knew it was time to move on. It's been difficult for us to find a therapist who specializes in gender issues in our area, but we finally found someone. I hope he will help guide us in what will be our best interest.

[Sheri 4242]

Anyone will take your money and talk to you. Ever heard the term, you get what you pay for? As a teen my family went through several counsilors and what not. The only one that was worth anything and made a difference was the guy who has a masters degree and charged 225 an hour. I recommend finding a therapist who specializes with these issues and has a masters at the minimim. Yes it will be expensive but it's better than spending half as much on sessions that do not produce results. Besides, wouldn't it be great to find someone who could get to the heart of the matter rather than tell him to take a vacation as a girl?

As I suggested several posts back, Laney and her SO need a qualified counselor -- IOW, one HIGHLY qualified in gender issues. With regard to what "Noname" is saying, I agree in part and disagree in part. I absolutely agree that "you get what you pay for," and that in obtaining the services of a qualified in-field counselor, you should be willing to pay whatever is necessary!!! That said, the level of education shouldn't be the determining factor. I have earned several advanced degrees, and I can tell you that more important than the degree is the "sense and sensibility" one applies to their field. I've known more than a few PhD's who were "dumber than dirt." They make you wonder if they didn't get their degrees from a defunct "five and dime." Yet, I've seen licensed therapists on the bachelor's level who could run circles around many of those "oh so highly educated" PhD's. If you have ever wondered why some say PhD means "Pile it Higher and Deeper," well let me introduce you to a few dozen . . . (Disclaimer: No offense to those who have earnestly worked hard to get their advanced, post-graduate degrees and practice their respective fields with dedication. I just truly have run into my fair share of those who were educated beyond their intelligence!)

Laney: the most important thing is to do your homework and seek out someone in your locale who is highly qualified in the area of gender issues, cost notwithstanding!!!


Sheri, With all due respect, you would understand if you were attracted to men with all of their muscles and hair. I think a lot of women find, at least the chest and belly hair, very sexy. Shaving is also an obvious sign that things are not the same as before. It becomes a permanate body alteration and changes the male immage. It is different when one shaves because of a sport than if they are shaving to be more feminine. I have said before that the more femanine my hubby looks the less I am physically attracted to him. This is a natural thing being that I am a heterosexual genetic female.

On the flip side of the coin, I really don't understand why a cd man would have to shave his legs to feel feminine? Wig, makeup, undergarments, nylons etc should do it. Especially if the cd is being truthful about not being a transexual and the male presentation is the predominate expression. I want my man to be into presenting as nice of a male as he would the female. Mind you I understand the desire to shave but I don't understand the need. :idontknow: :hugs: Kitty

Kitty, I respect you tremendously -- and I absolutely understand what you are saying. I'm just giving a flip side view. I know too many coaches and athletes (pro, college, and high school) in various sports (football, swimming, weightlifting, tennis, diving, cycling, and cross country, to name a few) who regularly shave. This is especially true the father south you get in the U.S. Nobody would, upon first meeting any of these coaches and athletes, think they were anything but macho, good-looking, physically fit men. There seems to be an unfair standard applied, though, when a man shaves b/c it feeds his feminine personna! This is the epitopme of discongruence!

As an aside, I have known several men, my late father included, who, if you saw them you would think they shaved their legs, but they don't!!! IMO, the men I know who fall in this category don't have much if any hair on their legs b/c they, like my father did and a good friend does, hardly ever wear short pants -- they spent almost their entire adult lives in long pants.

Now, all that said, I truly do appreciate where you are coming from -- I've known many a GG who was attracted to hair -- and even a lack of hair. One of my oldest GG friends is "extremely, incredibly attracted to" bald men!!! And, I have certainly heard many GG's say they like certain amounts of hair on a man's chest (once heard a couple of GG friends discussing what was too much, what was not enough, and what was just right. Let's face it, different strokes for different folks. I'll come clean: my wife doesn't have a problem with me shaving my legs. I do it b/c I love the feel -- and, in fact, when we were dating, this is how I told her I was a crossdresser. She doesn't have a problem with my shaving my arms and pits. We have boundaries when it comes to my chest -- summer time is fine (b/c of styles of outfits) and some other times are okay if an outfit and occassion dictates such -- like when we did our Vegas wedding with me as the bride. The one NO-NO is this small patch of hair on the small of my back. For whatever reason, my wife loves it -- so it is off limits to the razor. Boundaries can be healthy!

[kittypw GG]

Laney,
I agree with Sheri on the "educated beyond their intelligence" concept. I have also had this expirence with Physicians. I have known some pretty sharp PA's that outshine the most degreed Physicians.

I have had some bad expirences with so called "gender specialists". We went to one but I think her reputation came from being the only one who expressed and interest in treating those kinds of people. I was invited to attend a session with my huby after his third visit. She sat across from me and said with a very big smile "D doesn't want his penis" :eek: I think that she was pushing my hubby to believe that he was a women trapped in a man's body. This did a number on both of us. He became confused and it was the darkest period of our marriage. Therapists can have a big influence on people and not always in good ways. This is why it is important to go with your gut and drop a bad one. Don't be afraid to let them go. Good luck to you with the therapy, I do think that it can be benificial.

Sheri,
Loved your story about the patch of hair. :heehee: you are right, boundries can be healthy. Count me in on finding bald guys sexy. :p I keep wishing my hubby will lose his hair but I don't think he will. :thumbsdn:

[immike]

After 6 mos of marriage, I found out about my husband's CD'ing--the hard way. You know, a suspicious package arrives in the mail, then finding out about what it was on the computer. Anyway, it's been a year and a half and I'm still trying to make sense of it all. Reading these forums seem to be helping (thanks for all of the insight!), but I'm still having a hard time understanding why the desire to dress? He says it's just something within him that drives him to do it and he can't explain why. I'd say I'm at the "tolerating" point--I've never seen him dressed and, frankly, I don't want to. I'd like to consider myself a somewhat open-minded person, and being this way is what is helping me get through this and not "heading for the hills". I don't mind the occasional dressing if it is what makes him feel good, but I'm afraid it could lead to a constant need for him, and I'm not sure I can live with that. His drives come and go and he says that he doesn't have, or care to have, an en femme name. Are there MTF's out there who are satisified with the occasional "dressing session"? Thanks for any help that can be offered!
Laney;My name is Michael,I am a crossdresser of nearly 25 years.I love to
dress anytime,within the confines of my own house.I have a secret stash
here&I dress at my leisure.I also keep a key to my mothers house,which I
live 10 minutes away&I occasionally sneak secretly into mothers closet&
dress in her good wardrobe.I just slip into a pair of suntan pantyhose&slip
into jeans&tee shirt-When I get into mothers house,I lose the jeans&shirt,
and usually dress in one of her good short skirtsuits&silk blouse&heels.I love
being a man,I love to wear custom made suits&guy stuff.I will never have
SRS surgery&I love to wait for mother to go clothes shopping,so I can try
it on ,as well.We are about the same size

[Faith_G]

I've been dressing privately for about 25 years as well. Once I was old enough to stop stealing/borrowing clothes from family members (I'm sure if they knew it would really skeeve them out :puke: ) I bought my own clothes. I get dressed irregularly, sometimes several days in a row, sometimes weeks in between times. I don't want to go public, get SRS, etc., and men don't turn me on at all. I don't have a different name when dressed.

IF your husband is being 100% truthful with you now then your life together can go on pretty much as before. Sounds like he doesn't want to be seen dressed, and you don't want to see him, so it's simply a matter of scheduling. :)

Years ago I made a promise to myself I would never try to hide this from the woman I married - unfortunately I haven't found her yet. :bitchslap:

[Laney GG]

Basement, thanks for your input. The whole "en femme" name thing really confuses me also (along with so many other issues). I see so many CD's have an en femme name and my husband says that he doesn't have one and doesn't want one. I guess it's nice to hear that there are others with similar experiences out there--seeing that there are soo many different levels. :p

[SatinDoll00]

I didn't really have an En Femme name until about 10 years ago. I started playing an online role playing game (an MMORPG), and I developed a character there that was female. Since then, I have sort of identified with her. As I have gotten older, I recognized that she was really me, in digital form :)

I have started calling myself the name of my character online, when dealing with fem issues. I have started a yahoo360 site, and I have finally embraced who I am. At least half of me that is.

To be completely honest, I am not exactly like other crossdressers. I really do wish that I had been born a female. I hate my male body, intensely. I cannot transition, because I am married, and my wife does not even know I CD. I may have to keep it that way for a while, at least until I can work on her a bit.

With all that being said, I certainly understand that not every CD actually wants to be female. CDing is as diverse as anything else. There is no 'right' way to be a crossdresser...we just are what we are.

Morgan

[rustynail]

En femme names
Laney - I ahve never wanted one, nor felt that I was a woman. I love the feel of women's things especially the silky underwear - it make me feel close to womankind and i probably have some traits in common with women - I love company and conversation, I am interested in other people and their problems, but otherwise I am a "normal" male who has never been in the slightest interested in homosexuality

[Rikkicn]

My advise to you and your husband is this. Don't let your live's be guided by your fears. Let them be open to all possibilities.

[lanell]

If you can try to be open minded for him and try to understand his his need to dress ar what the conflict inside him is you may come to understand.
I cannot explain why I feel the need to dress and feel feminin
it is I beleave to be just as hard or harder for us.
I would like to share what I do to my wife.
But I fear to loose her and I have to much to loose
"wife,Kids,Respect of the people I love"
to me it is decieving that I cannot tell my best freind my wife
or anyone else I know.
this is my personal hell
best of luck and I hope you can approach this issue in a manner
that does not compermise what is really Important

[Sheri 4242]

First . . .

The whole "en femme" name thing really confuses me . . . along with so many other issues. I see so many CD's have an en femme name and my husband says that he doesn't have one and doesn't want one.

The femme name thing seems to be confusing to many SO's. Initially, I know my wife probably understood that aspect of my crossdressing the least. Actually, I think it is is easy to understand . . .

IMO, I think many mtf heterosexual crossdressers pick a femme name to go along with the dichotomy of their inner being. IOW, you'll hear many crossdressers claim to have "a second self," or "a dichotomous personna." This so-called "second self" is their femme side and, to go along with that femme side, it makes sense that this part of their personna -- this part of their being -- have a femme name. Unless one has a rather androgynous name, it seems that it may feel a bit of a discongruence to have a male name while dressed en femme.

Second . . .
"If" your husband is being 100% honest it appears that he doesn't want to be seen dressed, and if you don't want to see him but are flexible enough to be accomodating to give him times to dress, it would seem that you two have boundaries that can be easily incorporated into your relationship -- at least until one or the other desires to negotiate a change in boundaries, which should always be an option (to at least talk about it). I've been crossdressing to some degree for 50-plus years, and in all my studies and reading, and in what I have heard from a majority of other crossdressers, most desire to be able to be accepted by, and dress freely in front of, their SO. Your husband is a rarity that he doen't want this -- but it isn't totally unheard of.

[noname]

Basement, thanks for your input. The whole "en femme" name thing really confuses me also (along with so many other issues). I see so many CD's have an en femme name and my husband says that he doesn't have one and doesn't want one. I guess it's nice to hear that there are others with similar experiences out there--seeing that there are soo many different levels. :p

It confuses me as well. But to each his own. Like your husband I don't have a femme name and I don't want one. I am me and nobody else.

[Lisa Golightly]

Some of the first feelings I had was feeling "inadequate" as a woman (even though he reassured me over and over it isn't that at all). I guess I have my own self esteem issues and when you have to worry about your husband looking better in a dress than you, it can cut like a dull knife! Then, of course, the scariest thing is that he will discover that he will want to go full time and possibly transition.

In my experience it takes a very special woman to win the heart of a transvestite, so you should not worry at all about feeling 'inadequate'. As for looking better in a dress... well that's in your mind... I'm sure that in his is the knowledge that you are beautiful however you dress...

Transitioning is so rare amongst crossdressers I really wouldn't worry too much what may happen somewhere in the future... Life is fluid... Enjoy today.

Lisa xxx

[Sweet Jane]

but I'm still having a hard time understanding why the desire to dress? He says it's just something within him that drives him to do it and he can't explain why. I'd say I'm at the "tolerating" point--I've never seen him dressed and, frankly, I don't want to. I'd like to consider myself a somewhat open-minded person, and being this way is what is helping me get through this and not "heading for the hills". I don't mind the occasional dressing if it is what makes him feel good, but I'm afraid it could lead to a constant need for him, and I'm not sure I can live with that. His drives come and go and he says that he doesn't have, or care to have, an en femme name. Are there MTF's out there who are satisified with the occasional "dressing session"? Thanks for any help that can be offered!

Hi....

I can't explain "why" I dress either...I just have always done it. Ever since I was a young child. It is just some crossed wire in my makeup. When I am asked "why?"..the best I can come up with is, because. And that somehow seems so inadequate, but its the only answer I have. Maybe thats your husbands answer too, even if it can't satisfy your curiosity.

I also don't wish to dress with or for my wife. I'd rather right now just be the husband, afterall thats what she married. I would rather just dress when I have my "own" time. Its no sexual turn on for me..its just an extension of who I am..it makes me seem right if only for a wee while..again I dunno why??

I really have no femme name..I answer to Jane, but Sweet Jane just happened to be a song I was playing on my guitar as I was registering here...it chose me I suppose. and somehow for better or worse I am stuck with it?? Apart from cyberspace no one would ever call me anything but my given name...

As for occasional dressing..thats all I do..i might dress 4 times in a week..I might dress once in 4 weeks...I may not dress for longer, but I really do feel the same person inside dressed or not. When I look like a woman, I feel maybe how I want to be, yet I accept that almost all of the time I look like a guy...I just have a softer inner core!!

I hope this somewhat puts your mind at rest, but only by having good communication with your husband ensuring you frankly state your concerns and limits, and having him honestly respond with where he wants to go with this, will you really understand your predicament.