Living in a more gendered world

[bi_weird]

As most of you know, I moved from loverly Michigan to sunny California a little over a month ago. I've met some amazing friends here, who are really accepting and fun and dorks like me. And I just can't seem to get comfortable with most of them. I thought about it last night, and figured out two reasons. One, of course, is that I just haven't known any of them very long. The other reason is that life here is just plain more strongly gendered.

See, back in Michigan I had a very gender neutral group, to the point that two of my close friends could connect with me about every thing I felt about gender except I felt the need to call myself trans whereas they didn't. The guys around were often gay or metro, and even the rest weren't uber-male. The girls tended to dislike pink and clothing shopping. There was no interest in following sports, and we all liked to read Cosmo because that's just the funniest read ever with a group of good friends.

Then I came here. Actually, if I'd've thought about it, I would have expected this group to be cisgendered guys and quasi-trans girls. See, it's a physical chemistry/physics program that I'm in, and those are male dominated sciences, so often you get girls with something to prove in grad programs like this. Instead of getting the bunch of guys and guyish girls that seems sensible, I got a bunch of very muchly cisgendered people. Everyone's really awesome and fun and all that, but they're all so very not trans. The guys like beer and football and are always trying to be the smartest in the room (the dork's version of being the strongest). The girls giggle, refuse to be assertive, and actually like pink.

It really got me questioning because I didn't fit in with these guys. I've really been questioning my identity as trans because I feel so out of place if it's just me and the guys. They're really cool about it, but it's like I'm wearing a neon sign: NOT A GUY. Thing is, I'm not fitting in with these girls either. I find myself trying not to mock them for being so vapid (it seems to me), or trying to force them to be assertive and masculine. Of course, at the same time I want to tell the guys to give it up and stop trying to prove who has the biggest penis by talking more intelligently about quantum physics or whatnot. I guess I'm not as confused as I thought. Good to type this out then. I guess I'm just proving once again that I'm not either gender. *sigh* Where are my genderless friends when I need them?

But then again, I have this wonderful group to post this horridly long ramble to, so that's pretty dang awesome as well. Anyway I just thought I'd share.

[GACountrygal]

interesting perspective ya got thier Bi!! Its an eye opener for me, cuz you sound so much like I do except I identify as GG where you identify as trans!!!!! Very interesting indeed and at least ya got it figured out:thumbsup: Hope you do well out there in sunny California! Its definetaly an interesting place (grew up there myself)

:hugs:
Nic

[Dasein9]

My group of friends at school is different from my group of friends who are more, shall we say... gender-up-sa-daisied? as well.

I suspect you may be finding the end of the "Hey, everything in this place is so new and cool!" phase of moving to a new place and starting in on the "Everything here sucks!" phase.

Don't worry, that's normal, and you may feel it to one degree or another. It WILL pass.

And you, being the Wonderful Bi, after all, will find a group of friends with whom you feel comfortable.

Remember, many people over-do the gender thing when they're uncomfortable or among people they don't know.


Okay, I just read over all that and it's really preachy. This is what I should have said first, because it's the most important:

:hugs:

[ZenFrost]

That sounds like me in high school. All my friends were guys but they kept treating me like a girl. Eventually it got to the point where it didn't matter because I stopped caring. They might not have 'gotten me' but they still managed to be good friends. I know it's easy for your gender stuff to be at the forefront of your mind with your friends, but I've found that by focusing less on it my friends focused less on it. If that makes sense.

[CaptLex]

I think I know how you feel, Bi. Most of my life I've felt like I had to choose one team or the other - and both teams saw me as a girl. :sad: But when I look back at the friends I've had for years and years and years, I realize that the girls are not girly-girls and the boys are not macho types either. I guess those are the ones that I feel most comfy with, so those are the ones that are still around after all this time. It may not be easy at first, but I think you'll find friends that don't play the stereotypes also. Meanwhile, as you know . . . we're still here for you. :hugs:

[crazy4cheezeits]

It's really annoying when people follow stereotypes to such an extent that they are obviously not actually expressing themselves. It especially hurts those of us queer folks (I relate to you on this completely!) who can't come anywhere near expressing ourselves when forced into following stereotypes. Definitely do not change yourself for society. Just because these guys are not brave enough to go against stereotypes does not mean that those behaviors define male. And just because you are not like that, does not make you any less male than them.

This is why it's important, whether we are genetic girls, genetic guys, FTMs, or MTFs that we don't judge people as being "not male enough" or "not female enough" - we are all individuals and we can only judge what we feel for ourselves.

[TG-Taru]

This is why it's important, whether we are genetic girls, genetic guys, FTMs, or MTFs that we don't judge people as being "not male enough" or "not female enough" - we are all individuals and we can only judge what we feel for ourselves.

Hear hear! :)

And horridly long ramble? Hardly, by my standards at least :D
:hugs: