My 12yr old son knows about my husbands crossdressing - NOW WHAT???

[Cheryl GG]

:wave: HI to everyone I do know and those of you I dont...Its been a while since I have posted a thread even though I have continued to visit the site off and on to just read...

I finally shared my husbands "secret" side with my mother...I trusted her and confided in her ...my mother told my son that my husband was a crossdresser, that he was gay and blah blah...pretty much all the discriminating opinions about crossdressing (right and wrong ones) society infringes upon us...you would think her reason for telling my son this tid bit would be so that she could do what she felt was in the childs best interest...her reasons for telling this to a 12 yr old boy, who was sexually assaulted at the age of 8, were NOT for what she felt to be best for the child - she is trying to blackmail us...she wants money or she is threatening to contact the authorities and have them take my son from me if we dont pay her...she knows that my husbands mother died not long ago and that as a result there was inheritance and funds from a law suit...but we didnt become millionaires in it...

And so here, three weeks since my mother shared her wealth of information...my husband told/admitted to my son about his crossdressing (my husband did not tell me he was going to tell my son-we had not discussed it at all-which made me mad as *%# *#@^ and hurt that he didnt think about even stopping one second, grabbing his cell and saying hey im gonna tell him now and hang up geesh least I would have had warning or something)...I am not sure how the heck he explained it but I do know that yesterday my son and I were in a store picking out birthday cards for my husband...and my son picked up this card that was meant for a woman - pink detailed the while nine yards...and my son turns with the card in his hand, laughs and says we should get this one...I told him that the card was meant for a girl...he laughed again and said "but he's a girl too" and laughed again as he turned back to looking at cards

My son is in therapy - he has been for several years now...which he does he sees his psychiatrist on Thurs and I meet with his therapist on Friday - yet I aint sure what to tell her either...cause I really didnt think it wize to just let my child walk in and say hey did you know he likes to wear a dress?? So I made an appointment for she and I to speak on Friday before I schedule another appointment for him...I am just so not sure what to say though

Talk about a mess huh??? Anyone wanna trade places with me for a min or two???

My question is : How and WHAT do I say to this child about this? I am at a loss...I know that majority of you have children...I need to know what information and how deep with defining crossdressing do I go - I dont know what my husband said...and he has been out of state since the morning after this happened...and isnt due to return home for several more days...so I am on my own on this one...I guess that is what I am trying to ask...he needs to know an accurate definition...did any of you just come out and tell your children or did they find out by accident? how old were they when they knew? Any suggestions that you guys might have would be greatly appreciated...xoxoC/

[Lissa Stevens]

He is old enough to understand as long as you are honest with him. He needs to know that being a crossdresser doesn't mean you are gay or a freak. If you don't explaing things to him soon it could cause problems between him and your husband. He might tell everyone he knows which could cause even more headaches. You DO need to tell his therapist so they know what questions and repercussions to expect.

[AmberTG]

I wish I had some advice for you on that one. My thought would be to let the boy's therapist tackle that one, she's a professional and will know what to say to your son. When you meet with your son's therapist, just tell her the story as it happened, if she's worth what you pay her, she'll handle the issue quite well. That's why we pay them so much, cause they're supposed to know how to deal with these things.
I can't imagine that the state could actually take your son simply because your hubby is a CDer. He doesn't do it in front of the boy, that's all that counts.
Sounds like your mother is quite the dandy! I'd be more than just a little pissed if my mother did that, I probably wouldn't let her see my son anymore if she did that to me.
Hmm, I guess I did have a little advice to give, after all.
I get a little worked up when I read about that kind of stuff, she had no thought of her grandson's welfare when she did that, that's really low!
Guess I'll stop before I rant some more.

[Sharon]

I'm not going to comment on what your mother did, but if it was anyone else but your mother, I would like to....:Angry3:

Talk to your son -- explain as completely as you can what crossdressing means to his father, what it is and isn't, and that his father is still the same man your son has known all of his life. Encourage him to ask questions and be as honest with him as you can be. And I would definitely be with your son on Thursday when he next sees his therapist, at least as quiet support until it is time to leave your son alone for some one-on-one.

Good luck! :happy:

[Stephenie S]

Dear Cheryl,

What a totally inconsiderate and obnoxiuous thing for your mother to do to you and her grandson. I would consider severing all ties with her immediately. Probably, you can't do this (she is your mother, after all), so I would just be VERY careful around her.

There is, of course, the chance that she genuinely felt it was in your child's best interest. In which case she needs some education quick. You may need a lawyer if she is really going to try and blackmail you. CDing is NOT illegal so there is not much she can go on there. Backmail, on the other hand, is VERY illegal. She is treading on thin ice here.

By all means share your concerns with your son's therapist. He/she needs to know everything that's going on.

As far as what to say to your son, I say TELL THE TRUTH. Don't embelish, don't elaborate, just tell him the plain honest truth. Children NEED the truth. They usually don't need long stories, just the truth. You child's therapist will agree with me. Tell him the truth. Crossdressing is neither illegal nor immoral. Many, many, many, people do it and continue to lead perfectly normal, productive lives. There is absolutely nothing wrong with this. You and your husband need to show your son that you both understand this concept. And you have to show your mother this also. You can't blackmail someone about something they are not ashamed of. You need to laugh at her, and you need to laugh WITH your son.

Good luck, dear. Please PM me if you want to talk further about this.

Lovies,
Stephenie

[Daintre]

My advice is to talk to your son and also talk to his therapist. My son learned about my dressing from my ex and we took my son to a therapist to make sure everything was OK. My son and I both talked to the therapist separately and then together. My son's only concern at the time was ....will this happen to him. The therapist was reassuring to him that just because the father dressed did not mean he would. It became a moot point after that.

As for your mother well I can't write what I think of her.....BUT.....this brings up a point....BE very careful what secrets you tell to others, as this shows, even a mother can be evil and hurtful.

[KandisTX]

Definitely get a lawyer on the Blackmail issue with your mother.

As to your son, talk to him, talk to his therapist, and when your husband gets home, all three of you need to sit down and have a serious family talk about it. When we told my daughter about Kandis, we made sure that she understood that it was something that only certain people are allowed to know about, and she was not the one who chooses who is told.

Children at that age are more understanding than many adults give them credit for. This does of course open a new realm of honesty with him that you may or may not have been ready for. I know with our daughter, GlitterGG and I are honest and answer her questions now with more honesty than we did before she knew about my CDing. In all honesty, I must say that I think it has done wonders for our family relationship, now she comes to either of us to talk about what's on her mind.

Kandis:love:

[Cheryl GG]

as for my mother...she will never see ANY of my kids again...EVER...nor will she ever see me...self-serving *&^#!...and she has never done what she thought best for anyone other than herself...

I will never tell another sole about my husbands crossdressing...lord if I cant trust my own mother then who can I trust?

I am not really angry that my husband told my son...am glad he did in a way - but he should have warned me some how rather than walk in and just blert out "well he knows Im a crossdresser" when they both walked in the door...

[KandisTX]

as for my mother...she will never see ANY of my kids again...EVER...nor will she ever see me...self-serving *&^#!...and she has never done what she thought best for anyone other than herself...

I will never tell another sole about my husbands crossdressing...lord if I cant trust my own mother then who can I trust?

I am not really angry that my husband told my son...am glad he did in a way - but he should have warned me some how rather than walk in and just blert out "well he knows Im a crossdresser" when they both walked in the door...

I can understand your frustration with your mother. God knows I've been there on the "non-accepting, non-discussing in an adult manner" receiving end of that talk.

There may be things you cannot discuss with your husband, but know that you can always ask those questions here. While we are not your husband, odds are pretty good someone here has been there done that.

First I would suggest talking to your son and asking him "What did Daddy tell you about crossdressing"? that might give you some insight into how well he understands what he has been told. Then you can figure out the next step to take with him.

Kandis:love:

[KimberlyS]

Cheryl, I feel for you. Our children are in this age range and we have decided that this age range is not the best for telling children. But we also have agreed that if they ask they will not be lied to about it and told what they need to know. In fact my wife has already begun laying the ground work for telling them via education of different TG things as they come up.

I agree he is old enough to talk to and understand. He already sounds like he has some acceptance of it with the card. Like we tell the CDers to do with their wifes, you just need to sit down and talk with him. He does not need to know everything, but be honest with him. It may help to know what your husband said to him in general, but do not let that delay your talking with him. It also may or may not be of an advantage to have your husband their at the same time depending on the overall relationship of everyone.

And yes I agree your husband should have told you. It all goes back to communication, communication, communication for a health and good relationship. I am still working on that one also.

I also think how you are handling the therapist is good. Letting them know ahead of time allows for them to be prepared for the subject and maybe have some prepared directions/questions, along with maybe educating there self ahead of time. You may even need to do some education of the therapist.

As for your mother. ARGGGGGGGG FAMILY.

Good luck,

[RobertaFermina]

Cheryl....Telling him things before he is ready or prepared to understand can cause more confusion. Figure out if he has the mental/emotional vocabulary before adding more information.

You best bet might be LISTENING to where he is at with this, and how he is evaluating himself, you, husband and grandma. Then you can at least respond to areas where he has shown to have questions and (mis-)information.

Helping him feel comfortable as possible, and OK is probably the most important thing to do.

If his therapist and psychiatrist (same or two different people?) have your respect, and his attention, ask them what they think...work with them.

If they can't work with you and your son on this, consider whether they have your son's best interest at heart.


:rose: Roberta :rose:

[Carin]

Hang in there Cheryl, you are doing a fine job and you are on the right track. Just remember to take a deep breath every so often.

Your son is not traumatized. He is able to joke about it. He was probably also fishing for some more information in the process. Misinformation is much worse than the truth in this situation, and who knows what misinformation your mother fed him.

He will take his first que on acceptance from you. He probably got the gory details from you husband. He really wants to know how you feel about it. If he understands that your husbands crossdressing is not objectionable to you then it will be easier for him. If you need an analogy that he can understand, crossdressing (variance in gender identity) is as natural as left-handedness.

Getting the therapist on the same page is perfect. This is a team effort and everybody needs to be on the same team. That includes you son. Your mother did damage. Let the therapist know. He/She is part of the cleanup crew.

I've been there and walked in your shoes, but that is my story and this is yours. PM me for details if you feel the need.

Hang in there and we will hang in with you.:hugs:

As for your mother. If you feel the need to take preventive measures you could talk to your own therapist (an LCSW) or a lawyer. If they feel that it is warrented they can write a letter to Child Protective Services indicating that your Mother has an agenda.

[Katie Moore]

Kids are pretty resilent. Most times we hide a bunch of stuff from them because we think it is in their best interests. But the truth of the matter is they are pretty accepting about alot of things. The fact that your boy wanted a card for his Dad that was womanly says alot. I say be open and honest with your kid. You're be suprised.

As for your mama...well :thumbsdn:


:love:

Wishful

[Joy Carter]

Just another reason for not telling anyone you love and care about.:(

You just never know how they are going to take it.:(

[Carroll]

In a way I am lucky that both my kids 5y and 8y know about it, and my youngest's consoler knows also. I would also strongly suggest you talk to you hubby about what he said to your son, and let him know that your sons therapist needs to know as soon as possible. I do hope that things work out for you. As far as your mom.....well, I'll leave that alone:D

[Kerry Owens]

If he can joke about it, he's starting to relax about it, and yes, honesty is the best policy at this point. Your mother on the other hand....you might want a lawyer to put the fear of something in her way.

[Toyah]

I would really like to help here but really don't know what to say. I am very worried that someone so young is in therapy that just does not seem right. From what I know of therapy I am guessing the whole family is involved so maybe the solution is the therapist (not something I have ever said before ).I truly hope you resolve this one amicably

[jeniinnylons]

I have to ask did your husband now youwere going to telyour mother??

I really hope so because if he/she didn't then why do you think you have a right to be mad at him for not telling you that he was going to speak to the son.

[Eugenie]

If he can joke about it, he's starting to relax about it, and yes, honesty is the best policy at this point. Your mother on the other hand....you might want a lawyer to put the fear of something in her way.

Kery's reaction was the same as I had when reading your first post. You son seems to have a good sense of humor... This is a very good point for him.

If you and your husband can talk to him in words adapted to his emotional level and maturity, he will most likely be fine.

I think that he mays have more difficulties understanding your anger against your mother though... Unless he understood the devious attitude his grand-mother seem to have had, he won't accept easily that he won't see again his grand mother. He may very well not have perceived how nasty it was for her to tell him about his father's X-dressing and in the way she did tell him...

Actually reading what you said about the post card anecdote, your son may have taken this revelation rather well.

Be careful of what you tell the therapist... Some are excellent and understand transgender issues, but some can react quite negatively to X-dressing...

It seems that so far you have done a great job. Remain alert of your son's behaviors, in particular of the changes that you may see. Keep talking to him and also listen to what he says.

I wish you, your son and your husband all the best.
:hugs:
Eugenie

[Jehiiis]

I agree with the idea that your son seems to accept the notion of his dad dressing in women's clothes. I started crossdressing at a younger age than he is now. He may have thought about it regarding himself, or he may have never given it a thought, but for your mother... However... If my mom or dad or grandma, told me something like that, out of the blue, I would be disgusted. Understand my disgust would come from hearing anything to do with my mom and dad's "sexuality", even if it was just crossdressing, not from thinking my mom and/or dad had a problem or were wierd or anything like that. I'm sure if my dad crossdressed, even around the house, open to all of us when I was a kid, I would be ok with it, I just wouldn't want to hear him talking about how much he likes his new dress, how he likes this fit or that, etc... Like I said I started crossdressing by at least age 8, in secret, of course, I think... lol, and I could handle being around my dad dressed, if that's how he was, but I, like most kids don't want to hear about "gross parent things", same now at age 38... lol Heck kids don't even like to have "the talk" (about sex, safe sex, when to/not too, blah blah blah... lol) in general.
I'll add my thought... haven't seen this put this way anywhere on the forum, but I may have missed it...
When growing up, girls often relate more to being tomboys. They don't neccesarily want to BE boys. This doesn't mean they are gay or bi, or even want to grow up and be gay or bi. Just means they have a masculine side, that often times continues into adulthood. Heck a female can even state that she is a tomboy and it be well known she is a tomboy, and never be considered to be gay. So what is it called when a boy/man feels the desires to express their feminine side? Sallygirl? sissygirl? Jillgal? lol, dunno... Society on the whole can see the tomboy in a girl and accept it, but it's the stigma that crossdressing has attached to it that keeps society from accepting that a straight, (never gay or bi, never wannabe gay or bi), male can have an overt, if even only in the closet or at home, feminine side. We exist!
I am a tomboy, or to put it more masculinely, a sissygirl... lol
Just a few words for you to ponder, I guess... :-)
Anyone know a masculine equivalent to the description that the term tomboy implies?

[Jenny Beth]

Hmmmm, where to start. Well first of all I have to say that since your son picked a girly birthday card he certainly doesn't have a problem with it. Kids these days know a lot more about things like this than we ever did at that age. I do agree with you though that your husband should have had the courtesy to inform you of his intentions prior to telling your son but what's done is done. As for explaining your husband's crossdressing to him further I'd keep out of that one, this is something your husband should be telling him and (hopefully) has answers for. Now as for your mother.....wow that's hard to fathom. Blackmail by the way is an criminal offence, crossdressing isn't and I doubt very much even if she were to contact authorities that they'd take your son away. This whole thing sounds like it could get vey ugly.

And since you inquired about kids finding out I can tell you my daughter found out about me when she was 16. She is very okay with it now but just as with wive's she was very hurt that I hid it and didn't confide in her. I hope things don't get to the point that all hell breaks loose, maybe when some of the smoke clears cooler heads will prevail.

:hugs:

[Tamera]

Since he already knows, feed him a WEALTH of EDUCATION but pace yourself according to his UNDERSTANDING..
Tamera

[CharleneCD]

He will take his first que on acceptance from you. He probably got the gory details from you husband. He really wants to know how you feel about it. If he understands that your husbands crossdressing is not objectionable to you then it will be easier for him. If you need an analogy that he can understand, crossdressing (variance in gender identity) is as natural as left-handedness.

Getting the therapist on the same page is perfect. This is a team effort and everybody needs to be on the same team. That includes you son. Your mother did damage. Let the therapist know. He/She is part of the cleanup crew.

.

Carin says it very well. But to add, on be totaly honest with him. Kids his age can pick up on lies or half truths too easily, and then they do not know what to believe.

[Just Rachel]

I have to ask did your husband now youwere going to telyour mother??

I really hope so because if he/she didn't then why do you think you have a right to be mad at him for not telling you that he was going to speak to the son.

I have to agree with jeniinnylons on this one. Seems you broke hubby's trust first. I was married to a CD for 23 years and never, never would have considered telling anyone. We were adults and it was our personal business.

Best of luck with your situation!

[Claudia Zylindrias]

We have 5 kids between both me and my SO. 3 are mine 2 hers. They all know I have always been upfront about it. I have strictly emphisised that because i wear a skirt at times, never will be the time that i'm NOT your father. Honest and direct is usually best as for your Mother Does "Def. of charater" and "psychological abuse" ring a bell, call a lawyer and teach her a lesson. On top of the fact that he is already in theraphy for a tramatic experience in the past which i assumed she knew of as well?

[Michelia]

Joy said:

Just another reason for not telling anyone you love and care about.

You just never know how they are going to take it.

And I will add:

It is also another reason for letting your kids know as soon as they can handle it. And most kids can pretty early on...

I am sorry, Cheryl.

It sounds like your mom is a soulless witch.

Michelia
__________________

[Sheri 4242]

With all due respect and with tons of empathy I have to ask, what kind of lines of communication are going on in your family? Your husband tells your son without talking to you -- and you cannot talk to your husband until he comes home??? When I'm on the road, there isn't a day I don't talk to my wife -- usually several times a day. There has got to be a way the two of you can communicate better -- cell phone, laptop -- pay phone, pre-paid calling cards, smoke signals! And, you telling your mom -- what was the purpose of that? You should have a certain devotion to your husband over your mother -- but hopefully you realize that now.

With regard to your mother, I'd have a lawyer send her a stern, terse letter stating that if she repeats what she may have misconstrued you having told her, you and your husband will file against her for defamation. Unless you have left something out, all she has is what she says you said -- and that can be turned into a gross misrepresentation for gain type of thing b/c she has no admissable proof save what she obviously misunderstood, took out of context, etc. (do I have to *wink* here). If extortion is on her mind, the simple truth will set you free -- but you might want to head it off at the pass if possible with a certified letter from a legal eagle!!! I do think you are absolutely right in severing the ties between her and your family. This doesn't mean things won't change in years to come, but if and until that day ever comes, change your phone number and return any mail from her unopened. Let it be clear by your silence that you and your family are not going to have a relationship with her -- she'll know why!!!


By all means share your concerns with your son's therapist. He/she needs to know everything that's going on.

You need to talk with the therapist before your son's next session and let them know what is going on! I say this b/c it sounds like your son is scheduled to see the therapist before you. Hopefully the therapist has some solid training in gender issues -- you want this to be the right kind of help!!!

There is NO evidence that your son having knowledge of his father's crossdressing is a dangerous thing. It isn't going to cause him to become a crossdresser. Don't worry about that aspect. IMHO, what I think you and your husband should do TOGETHER is talk with him in small increments. He needs to know this is not something to share at school, scouts, with his friends. Answer his questions to the point and don't go on and on. It is kind of like the child who asked his mom where he came from. The mother paniced, sought out all kind of advice, bought booklets and sat down with the child and had "the" talk. An hour later she said she hoped her son understood. The son said that all that she had told him was very good, but what he wanted to know was that his friend, Billy, had said he was from Washington and he was wondering where he was from!!!

[uknowhoo]

:o I'm afraid I don't have a whole lot useful to add to what's been said above.

I did want to say that it's nice to see you again, and offer you a hug. :hugs:

You and your family will make tit through this, I'll keep yopu in my prayers 'til then.

xoxo

Tammi

[Satrana]

You are in a tough position.:hugs:

First thing I would do is ask your son to tell you what your husband told him. That way you can find out if he told the whole story or fudged the issues so at least you can be on the same page. Allowing your son to recant your husband's explanation will also allow you to gauge his reaction and thoughts on the subject.

Second go back to when you were 12. Understand that he has a simplistic view of gender, ie only boys and girls, and will not know of the in-between states. Giving him the whole picture probably will not work too well as he will not be able to relate to what you are saying. A better direction might be to discuss it like it was a hobby - like dressing up like Star Trek characters.

Also at that age, the need to fit in is paramount. He does not want this info to be made public knowledge as it will also make him an outcast. Talk to him about the need to keep family matters private. It will make sense to him.

Lastly as Carin said, he will take his cues from you. If you play down the issue and let him know it is not a big deal and you are happy with your husband's crossdressing then he will be ok with it too. Kids can take these issues in their stride if they get the right reassurance.

[TreKidation]

I don't understand the issue with HONESTY ... why not tell the truth ? Why can't we understand and trust our own children - why do people feel it's okay to lie to them or to anyone at all ?

[DonnaT]

When I told our son, he said he already knew. He sees be dressed (not in a wig or makeup) all the time, and has never had a problem with it.

Since out son knew, my wife asked when I was going to tell our daughter. I eventually sent her a picture and told her there was someone I think it was time to meet. She thought it was someone on my wife's side of the family, having no idea it was me. My wife told her who it was. I've joked with her about it, but she's not seen me dressed, other than the picture.

Cheryl, I agree that your son sounds like he has some understanding of your husband's needs. And being able to joke about it without poking fun at your husband is a good sign.

What I suggest is letting your son tell you what your husband said. And how he feels, honestly. This way you'll know where his head is and what he "heard". If there are any blanks to be filled in, you can fill them with what you know.

Then you can tell him how you feel.

Once everyone is on the same page, then you can talk to his therapist. If the therapist finds no conflict in the family, further discussion about it may not be necessary.

As for your mother's threat, don't worry about it,, as being trans is not illegal. I'd send her an email, assuming she has email:


--Mom, I do not understand why you find it necessary to threaten us with blackmail. I'm quite disappointed you took it upon yourself to tell my son about __________'s crossdressing, and now threaten to tell the authorities.

There is nothing illegal about ____________ being transgendered and having the need to cross dress. Additionally, my son has had no problem with accepting __________'s being transgendered. Note that he has never seen ________ dressed in female clothing, and we have no intention of doing so.

Your desire for money to keep quiet about this is the main thing I find upsetting. Tell me how much you want, and why I should pay.--

If she responds with an email, stating a dollar amount, you have proof of blackmail that can me used againt her. You can choose to use that proof and have her charged, or telephone her and threaten her with criminal action if she ever mentions it again.

[Sheri 4242]

As for your mother's threat, don't worry about it,, as being trans is not illegal. I'd send her an email, assuming she has email . . .

If she responds with an email, stating a dollar amount, you have proof of blackmail that can me used againt her. You can choose to use that proof and have her charged, or telephone her and threaten her with criminal action if she ever mentions it again.

I agree Donna, except it is more on the line of extortion. And, I wouldn't rely on an email, either. If she sends her mother anything (as opposed to an attorney sending something for her), it should be certified, return receipt with an additional copy via regular first class mail (also showing the Certified confirmation numbers).

As to text, if she decideds to write a letter instead of a lawyer, then I have a specific text in mind, but we can go into that later.

[TxKimberly]

Cheyrl,

As I'm sure you know by now, this is not a "one answer fits all" kind of thing but I can offer a few words in the hopes they will help. My son found out around 6 months ago when he was 17. To him it was no big deal. He has even joked with me a few times, once making a comment that a stupid comment I made was the result of lack of air from wearing shoes with heels that are too high. :-) I think that the joking is a very good sign (your son and the pretty card for Dad).
With my son, he honestly doesn't care. It doesn't appear to hold the same stigma with todays young ones that it did with us. It is just one more unique thing or facet of his father in a world that is already swarming in unique things and people. In all honesty, the relationship between my son and I has vastly improved since he found out. He was/is at the age where confrontation with his father was occurring on a regular basis - something I think is reasonably normal and common between fathers and sons of a certain age. All of that stopped when he found out - I'm not sure why. Perhaps it makes him feel better to know that Poppa is not perfect. We now talk to each other more, and he just seems to have relaxed, as have I.
I suppose the key points here are:
- Todays children accept much more than we did as they are constantly surrounded by the new and unique.
- At least in our case, my relationship with my son has improved.

I think it is silly to pussy foot around issues with children, they are SO much smarter than we give them credit for. In my opinion, it will help ease your mind, and perhaps your sons, if you simply ask him - "So now you know about your father. Do you have any questions? Are you OK with this? Does it bother you?" Don't leave it to a therapist, YOU ask him and talk to him.
With the disclaimer that I know NOTHING about therapy of any sort, I would also agree with you that at this point the therapist should know. If she is to have any chance of helping your child effectively, she shouldn't have to do it with her hands tied behind her back and not knowing the issues to be dealt with.
Your mother - assuming your right and her intent is to blackmail you, that's some piece of work huh? Well, your son now knows, and it's not illegal, so what has she really got to hold over your head? Give in now and she will know she can take you anywhere she wants in the future. Easy for me to say this sitting comfortable in an airport, but it would be a cold day in hell before I gave in to that.

My VERY best wishes and highest hopes that it turns out well for you!

[TxKimberly]

. . . And, you telling your mom -- what was the purpose of that? You should have a certain devotion to your husband over your mother -- but hopefully you realize that now. . .

Sheri,

I agree with much of what you said regarding communication. As you know I travel for a living and all kidding aside, I probably talk to my wife MORe when on the road than I do when we are in the same room but . . .
I hope you wont take this wrong, but the quote above is one of the few times I find myself not agreeing with something you have written.
You see it over and over here, where a CD has kept this secret their entire lives and they are crying out for someone to talk to. Often, the wife or the SO is the first person we will have ever spoken to about it, and this is SUCH a weight off our shoulders. Someone to confide in, share with, laugh with - this is VERY important. So now that we have off loaded part of our burdon onto our wives, who do THEY get to talk to? Who do they get to share the weight with? Sometimes you NEED someone to talk to, and lets face it, sometimes our wives must want to vent in ways that would hurt our feeling if they vented it to us. I think she deserves the right speak to someone she decided could be trusted, and one would have thought there would be no one safer than your own mother.

Cheyrl, you say you will never trust anyone with this again. I don't know that's the right thing for you to do. Most people are decent human bengs. Use your common sense and best judgment when deciding who you should share with, but I don't think it's in your best interest to decide you must bear this burdon by yourself for ever and ever.

Got a plane to catch - see y'all later!

[Sheri 4242]

I don't understand the issue with HONESTY ... why not tell the truth ? Why can't we understand and trust our own children - why do people feel it's okay to lie to them or to anyone at all ?

With all due respect, that is sort of a "Fantasy Land" assertion! There are children that would be okay with it, and those that wouldn't. Some children aren't mature enough to keep it private -- they would see no reason not to share and tell -- to actually want to share the information with a best friend or someone b/c of a lack of maturity and no comprehension of the possible end results of blatant revelation. This situation is one that must be decided on a case-by-case basis!!! I have one child (and my wife agrees with me on this 100%) who would "out" me in a heartbeat -- especially if they thought they could gain some advantage, reasonable or not, by doing so!!! On the other hand, I have another child that is so'ooo okay with it that I dress regularly in front of her, that she has given gifts to "Sheri," and who has even borrowed Sheri's clothes (like once for a funeral when she didn't have a proper dress for the viewing or the service the next day). Another child knows, is okay with it, but doesn't talk about it, and our final child claims to be so very open-minded, but is increduously opinionated and closed-minded and we don't think we could trust her with such information. So, IMHO it has to be done on a case-by-case basis, factoring in age, maturity, etc.


It doesn't appear to hold the same stigma with todays young ones that it did with us.

The daughter I mention above who has actually borrowed clothing from Sheri, would agree 100%!!!

She feels that "the younger generation" (all of our children are in their 20's, so I presume she means those in their 20's and teens) is, for the most part, much more accepting of it. She thinks this is why we see more of it on tv and in the movies, and she thinks that this is why a lot of SA's we run into today are more accepting. This daughter has even offered to talk (via email or IM) to children who have found out their father is a CD, and how they (the children) shoul handle this!!!


Sheri, I agree with much of what you said regarding communication. As you know I travel for a living and all kidding aside, I probably talk to my wife MORe when on the road than I do when we are in the same room but . . .
I hope you wont take this wrong, but the quote above is one of the few times I find myself not agreeing with something you have written. You see it over and over here, where a CD has kept this secret their entire lives and they are crying out for someone to talk to. Often, the wife or the SO is the first person we will have ever spoken to about it, and this is SUCH a weight off our shoulders. Someone to confide in, share with, laugh with - this is VERY important. So now that we have off loaded part of our burdon onto our wives, who do THEY get to talk to? Who do they get to share the weight with? Sometimes you NEED someone to talk to, and lets face it, sometimes our wives must want to vent in ways that would hurt our feeling if they vented it to us. I think she deserves the right speak to someone she decided could be trusted, and one would have thought there would be no one safer than your own mother.

No problem, Kim -- and I understand what you mean and where you are coming from in this statement. I actually agree that many GG's, once they have learned about their husband's CDing, might well need a sounding-board of their own. I do think they need to be very careful who they pick -- and maybe I was being too harsh, b/c while I have a great deal of empathy for this situation, th question just struck me as to why she picked her mother -- that surely she knew her mother well enough to know how trustworthy she is and isn't. I just felt that she had to have an inkling that her moter woudn't be the best person to go to!!!

And, I was somewhat incredulous about the lines of communication within this family as a whole. Like I said, I have empathy for them and am more than willing to help however I can, but it just hit me wrong how their communication lines were. In truth, you are probably more accurate with your assessment than I was -- but regardless, don't you ever hesitate to discuss anything with me openly and honestly, whether we agree or not!!! That's how true gf's are supposed to relate to each other isn't it???

[Staci G]

Cheryl

My daughter is 12 also she has known for about 6 months now. Her opinion is that mom wears my shirts everyday what is the diference if a man wants to wear womans clothes. A woman can wear what she wants afterall.. She said that womans clothes are much prettier and softer than mans so she cant blame me..

I can not judge the emotional and mental state of your son but I do know children are more resiliant than we give them credit for..I pray all works out for you and your family. I have a wife to contend with that hates a CDer and thinks we are a sick and perverted bunch. So at least your son has both parents that agree on the subject and can give well informed information

Huggs love and luck to you

[newtothelife]

I would say he truth is the best for all of you. Good education now can save a lot of heart ache later. Family is to important to let it lie. As to the mother ....Thats a whole nother story. Good luck and I hope things work out for you .

[Wendy me]

Cheryl i had this reply all typed out .... and it sucks that i am just to nice to post it....

short and sweet .... your son .... this is the only one no one is looking out for .... gram See's away to black mail using him .... dad dumps and goes leveeing him to deal with what he has told him ....your worried abought what to tell his therapist and shrink .....

at 12 years old hanging out with your buds and the cute new girl down the street should be your real life issues....

from what you said he has things that need be tending to from what happened to him ..... remember he is a kid and will only get one chance to be a kid .... don't be dumping baggage on him .....


shame on your mom ..... shame on you husband ... and yes Cheryl shame on you ..... you people are grown UPS the ones to watch out for him....

he is a kid not a baggage handler.....

sorry.......

[DonnaT]

Wendy, you have no idea that her husband 'dumped' it in her son. You have no idea what was said at all, not even Cheryl knew when she posted originally.

Her husband may have had a long talk, which enabled the boy to have a good idea of what is going on. His remarks when looking for a card indicate this may be the case. We don't know that it's not, so it's unfair to say otherwise.

His talking to the boy seemed necessary, since gran screwed up.

And it is gran's screw up which raised the issue between Cheryl and her son. So Cheryl certainly didn't dump anything on her son. I think she's handling the issue well, given the lack of choices afforded to her in view of her mother's interference.

Sure he's a kid and we would all like for our kids to be sheltered from certain things. However, once the shelter is breached, it is worse to ignore the issues. This would only cause the boy to look elsewhere for answers, and he may find all the wrong answers by doing so.

[Carin]

Wendy, I so disagree with you, and IMHO your comments are out of line. Cheryl came here for comfort, support and advise.

She was betrayed, by her own mother of all people.

I finally shared my husbands "secret" side with my mother...I trusted her and confided in her ...
She can not ignore the fact that she son was informed in a cruel manner, she can not make the cat go back into the bag. The why's and wherefore's of who said what to whom are not disclosed in much detail and we should not be judgemental or presumtuous.

She told her mother. My wife told her mother too. Cheryl's mother screwed up big time. Sure. And it hurts. Who knows what her husband said. But Cheryl is trying to figure out the best way to look out for her son. No shame on her for that!!

[Joy Carter]

In case this was missed. Is there a reason why your mom would do this ? Dose she harbor some resentment to wards your DH ?

[Khriss]

- and.... there's doubtless , a point, where any "child" - (age12 or whenever)...is confronted with some (perhaps-not-all) of the realities of life?
Grown -ups ? using issues that might confuse any person to obtain any kind of advantage in another persons life ...age reguardless .. are certainly manipulative,self centered , pricks ..at best?
The "person" subjected to all such influences , might suprise everone ,in their ability to distinguish the truth ..from the bullshirt ?? Sooner or later is all it takes for most eh?? just2centsworthfrom"K":eek:

[Wendy me]

Donna and Carin and any one that thinks I am off on my thoughts.....

Ok the boy before this round grown up games started had issues that any child should never have and was in therapy.... all the more reason to have the grown ups in his life do more to make sure they were extra careful not add issues to his life but think of what is right for him....

I sorry yes dad did have a talk with him.... but kept mom out of the loop????
Dad might have been right on in how he did that and handled it right.. Who knows???? Well not some one that should have known the Childs mom....

Right or wrong my opion is that the only one in this mess that needs to looked out after is that 12 year old boy.... all the way around ...gran screwed up big time thinking of a way for her to gain.... in this mom and dad should have worked together with the thearpest to insure all did what was right for him......

Cheryl came here for comfort, support and advice. true and she might have been on the outside looking in and be not knowing all of what was told him ...but I feel things were done wrong ... mom and dad should have been together on telling him....

I not taking any one's side but the one that am the center of this mess.... I do so hope that mom dad and son work on insuring that his needs are met first......

I know Cheryl is upset dad is as well..... Gram well she is not very nice as this was not right ....my thoughts are that mom and dad work together to help guide him through this …

So Cheryl doesn’t get me wrong you and hubby need to be a strong family with the center of that around your son …. Life is hard for grown up’s….it’s also tough for kids who grow up facing grown up issues ……..

[Tamera]

Forget the past, whats done is done.
Look to the Future and EDUCATE your son. Whether it means counseling, library, internet, whatever he can understand at this time, then more as he gets older if he needs it.

There are many thoughts on (Who to Tell) and (When to Tell). There is no right or wrong on this, just depends on the individual(s) involved.

Hugs,
Tamera

[tall_brianna]

Cheryl, it sounds like your son is fairly open minded about it. The story of the card is poignant. Don't be afraid to laugh about it. I would keep the explanation and discussion as simple as possible. I would probably try it like this, "You know how some girls like to wear dresses and look pretty and others don't, well some boys also like to look pretty. Either way, boy who likes being pretty or girl who likes being scruffy, it doesn't mean they are gay or crazy or any of the other things your grandmother might have said."

Speaking of the mother, wow. I hope you are not going to give her a dime.

[Carin's Wife GG]

and I believe his mom coming here for support is a testament to that.

Can he handle the information? I don't know any more than the rest of you can. He's 12! Some can and others cannot.

As a wife and mother I am befuddled by this question myself. My own wonderful therapist does not beleive children going into puberty should have acces to this kind of information. In fact she believes any young person (not into complete adulthood) should know this about their father.

In our own family our olderst DD knows (21) and she has a fabulous relationship with her Dad. Our youngest DD knows because a situation occured where she was guessing something wrong (her dad was having as affair!) and we choose to give her the information. Her reaction *Hey I have cool parents*.

We have three *big* boys, one 19 and two 18yos. We are debating about when and if to have a converstion with each of them in the nearish future. But I am nervous. How will they take the information and maintain this great relationship they have with thie Dad? Carin knows our kids really well and thinks this information will clear up maybe some questions they have about their Dad (his more feminine kinds of clothing, longer hair etc).

Our other DD I believe already knows. She is very close to our youngest DD and I suspect they share many secrets. And I don't think it would phase her isn the lest, she is almost 18.

My biggest fear is our 19yo. We adopted him at 12 and he has much growing up left to do. How will his respect for his Dad maybe change? I really do not know!

Enough ramblings! There will be some fairly major changes in our family life with all of this I am sure but that is nothing too new for us!


Louise.