need advice-discovered dad is crossdresser

[wondering]

Help! I think I just discovered (by accident) that my father (who is now single) is a crossdresser. I am very confused. It was definitely not something I was supposed to find-it was a complete accident. I don't know if I should just tell him what I found or just forget about it. Should I bring this up with him & if so...how? I am in total shock and I cried all day. I'm not against it, I'm just not familiar with what this means. Does this mean he is gay? My biggest concern is that I have a toddler son who adores his grandfather & stays with him often. Do I have any reason to be concerned about leaving my child with him now that I know this? I hate to think that way, but there are just so many things to worry about as a parent. I want to have an open mind about this, but I'm a little scared. I've only shared this with my husband & he seems to think we should talk to him openly about it & that I have nothing to worry about as far as our son is concerned. He thinks it's not that unusual of a thing & it doesn't necessarily make him gay or that it would mean he has the potential to do anything inappropriate in front of or with his grandson. I just need some advice on whether to approach this with my dad or not & whether or not I have any reason to be concerned about my child. And then there's the fact that this came out of nowhere & took me by total surprise-I feel like this whole day was just a dream. I cried afterward, but I don't really know why. This is just not something I would ever imagine him doing. I hope someone replies to this with some honest & understanding advice.

[AmberTG]

Well, if your dad is a cross-dresser now, then he probably has been for most of his life, including when you were a kid. Most cross-dressers start when they are still children or teen-agers.
Cross-dressing is a lot more common then most people know about, because most CDers hide it from everyone. CDing is totally seperate from sexual orientation or any other sexual fetishes. At least 75%-80% of CDers are heterosexual, so he probably is also. I really doubt he would ever act inappropiately in your presence or your child's presence. Do you remember him ever acting inappropiately when you were a child? I can almost guarentee you that he was CDing when you were a kid. Most of here have kids and some of us have grandkids too. We're just normal people with a passion for something unusual, but harmless, except possibly harmful to a relationship with someone who is unaccepting and not understanding. If you read this website, you'll find lots of stories about marriage difficulties because of it, but that's about it.
I hope this is of some help to you.

[Leah B]

Crossdressers (CDers) are no more likely than anyone else to be child molesters, or anything like that. Really, that your father crossdresses probably doesn't have anything to do with how he is around children.

As for whether you should approach him, I guess it depends on your relationship, and on his situation. He may well prefer to keep this kind of thing to himself. For some, crossdressing is never anything more than a sexual fetish, and there's no point in bringing it up to him. On the other hand, for many, CDing is more than just a fetish, or may not even have a sexual component at all.

The only reason you might really need to bring it up is if he's in a committed relationship. He might be keeping it a secret from his partner, and that's never a good idea. Of course, it's his job to tell his partner, but a little pressure from his daughter might set him straight.

If you're really curious about CDing issues, you might want to pick up the book My Husband Betty by Helen Boyd. It's written by the wife of a crossdresser, and is intended for partners of CDs, but is really a great primer for anybody who wants to know about it. There's a sequel book too, She's Not the Man I Married, which isn't as essential, but is really interesting.

Best o' luck.

[rustynail]

Hi Wondering
I have lived in dread of the time that my children discover my liking for silky lingerie. Why have i done it for 50 years? because it felt and feels nice. Does it make me gay? - absolutely not. Do I ever do anything unwarranted in the presence of any of my 7 children? - absolutely not. Do I love my wife? Yes. Do I wish I could share this with her? Oh yes so much! Is it jut part of being me? I think so. Is it harmless? - Yes i think so.

[SamanthaLVCD]

Your child, your father’s grandson, is in no danger from your father. I am a grandfather and there is nothing that could induce me to harm a child, let alone one from my own blood.
You must understand, your father has likely had to keep a terrible secret all of his life. He has been abused in the media, by family members, friends and foolish talk show hosts for his deep-seated feelings. This is why it was secret. Would you destroy your life by letting the cat out of the bag when so many people openly bash all Transgendered people? There is a high likelihood that your mother knows. Many times this little secret is kept that way as a matter of pride and ego by the wife. They feel that people will make fun of her if it is found out that her husband cross dresses.
Chances are about 80/20 that your father is not gay. He was born with a condition now referred to as transgender. The mind is in conflict with his anatomy. The degree to which one is affected is different with each person even though much of the same behavior makes all Transgendered people appear to be the same. There are some very complicated processes that take place in the womb to create a child. The default gender of all fetuses is female. That's just nature. Many additional processes and changes must take place in order to make the fetus a male. The SRY gene determines what gender (commonly and incorrectly called sex) the fetus will take in the finished product. One of these processes is a massive flooding of the brain with testosterone to "defeminize" it. A little too much and you get a super macho personality, I'm sure that you've seen men like that. A little too macho so to speak. Too little testosterone and some female traits are left behind. Have you ever seen just an average married man that seems a little too feminine? You see my point. Like I said, it varies with each individual. In my case, I was in the Navy, a Police Officer for 20+ years and a Rescue Paramedic for 12 years. Hardly a person that you would suspect has mini-skirts, heels and wigs stashed away for an occasional trip to the other side. It was very late in life when I finally let the cat out of the bag. I was no longer in public service and there was no danger of losing my job or ending up as front-page news if people found out. Even now there are only a limited number of people that know. My wife and I went through some hard times with this whole thing. Got divorced and remarried to the same woman. This topic just isn't one that my family talks about and I keep it to myself for the most part. That's how I have lived my life. Most Transgendered men take their little secret to their grave with them and no one ever suspects. It is a shame that people cannot just be themselves without society making judgments about them, especially when society in general knows little to nothing about the causes and cares less. We have been the butt of so many jokes, talk shows and poor films that it makes me sick.
Your father has his own cross to bear with this situation. Talking is generally a good thing so long as you are informed when you talk to him. He has suffered in silence all of his life, keeping his secret to himself so as not to offend anyone else. I am sure that he would appreciate some support and confidence as opposed to being considered a child molester. If he wishes to keep it secret, respect his feelings. If you are worried about his affect on your child, set boundaries about what is appropriate around your child. After all it is your child and you have that right.
By all means talk to him. Likewise try to understand what he has been through to protect you from a perceived threat all of your life. He has not wanted to reveal this to you, as he wants you to love and respect him. He has the same respect and love for his grandson.

[Eva Marie]

Hello Wondering, (and by what name shall we address you?)

First of all - relax and try to compose yourself. You're understandably upset about a revelation concerning a living icon in your life. An icon that suddenly (perhaps) shows tarnish. Let's try first to put that impression aside for now. Because you've presented this matter to your husband and gotten his response, let's hope this gives you some temporary peace of mind.

Let me continue by telling you that I have some experience in dealing with sex offenders while performing my clinical psychology internship in a state prison system. I personally detest the current use of the word "gay"; I come from an era when "gay" had a happy connotation, and the people who corrupted that word were anything but gay (happy).

That being stated, homosexuals are rarely child molesters. Any ideas to the contrary are ignorant speculation and can be defeated by the statistics. Furthermore, a child's behavior will indicate a marked change should it become victim to such aggression. Bearing in mind that nothing is ever one hundred percent, homosexual individuals are more typically characterized as being caring, nurturing and protective, especially toward the young.

I believe you've made a wise choice, first in confiding in your spouse, and second, approaching us as a group. I'm sure you'll receive numerous replies to your inquiry, and I invite you to explore the many postings on this site for a broad insight to this community. Because I know virtually nothing of you or your family circumstances there's little else I can offer, in good faith, by way of advice. I would suggest that you devise a plan to tactfully approach this subject with your father. Again, by my not knowing anything about him, there's little I can suggest. However, if you become convinced that your worst fears are true, you must act to protect the child. But from what you've written here I don't think that's probably the case.

Come back to us anytime.

[Lisa Golightly]

Sounds to me like you need to talk to him if only to get things sorted out in your own head. I'd go easy on the approach though... Sometimes a question asked, or a comment made in natural ignorance can not only be extremely hurtful, but can lead to irreparable damage to a relationship. Take time out to study the subject.

May one ask what you discovered to make you think he's a crossdresser?

[wondering]

women's undergarments, an album with photos of him dressed as a woman (hair, make-up & all), & "drag" porn magazines. I actually did not realize the photos were of him until I saw the magazines & then looked back at the photos closer. I can't get the pictures out of my head & I don't know why it upsets me so much. the photos looked old. It all happened so fast. I want to go & look again when I know I won't get caught, but then I also don't want to invade his privacy. But that's so hard now that I already know I did-even though it was an accident.

I cannot tell you all how grateful I am for the replies. This is helping me so much. I felt so sick to my stomach that I could not go to sleep. I have just been sitting here reading your replies & crying. Party because of this discovery, partly because of how sincere you've all been, partly because I feel guilty for having stumbled upon this, partly because I feel sorry for my father in some way that he has had to keep this secret.

I am still so shocked & confused about where to go from here, but I hope to get more advice from this forum & I plan to do more research on my own before I move forward.

Thank you all again. I'm so glad I found this website!

[Carin]

Hi Wondering,

I am glad you found you way to this site. First, you need not worry about your fathers sexual orientation, or your child's safety. These are unrelated to crossdressing. You will fine a significant number of members here whose wives are also members here and who have children and grandchildren. Members whose ID ends in GG are women (Genetic Girls) who are married to crossdressers or in significnat relationships with crossdressers.

If you have time browse back through the threads on this forum to get a clearer insight to crossdressers and the dilema of gender identity that we deal with. I have 7 children (ages 13 through 21), my wife is also a member on here (Carin's Wife GG (http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/member.php?u=41037)). Two of my children know that I crossdress (one by accident!), the others will know when we feel they are emotionally ready to deal with it.

Secondly, listen to your husband. He seems to know what he is talking about.

Third, if you wish to strengthen the relationship between you and your father, educate yourself on the subject of crossdressing - you will find more that enough material in the posts on this site) and then let your father know that you know, and that it is OK. Let him take it from there. He may or may not feel comfortable talking to you about it. A crossdresser in the closet for a long time can have a very hard time with being discovered or talking about it.

Lastly, take a deep breath, and get some sleep.

[Lisa Golightly]

I can't get the pictures out of my head & I don't know why it upsets me so much.

It upsets you because he's your Dad... and the foundations of what you took as concrete suddenly shifted.

One word of comfort I can offer is that those we love are a product of their experiences, many of which we never are aware of, but they make that person that person.

I can guess the kind of magazine you are referring to... They are easy enough to pick up on ebay, easier than sensible TG lifestyle magazines... That's why I read women's magazines :)

I don't know how wise it would be to keep going through his things... I can understand why you want to do it... but it will make things harder when you do talk.

Try and get some rest... It will help you think.

Lisa x

[trannie T]

He's still the same dad you'[ve known all your life. He has not changed anything the only thing new is that you have learned his secret. If he has concealed his crossdressing from you for all these years he probably will not be dressing in front of your son.

[Tree GG]

Our daughter cried on and off for several days after she unexpectedly met her father's femme side. Still working on that.

My advise, talk to your dad. I wish my daughter & husband would talk. I agree that CDing doesn't make your father a dangerous person to your son, however as your son's parent you have the right and responsibility to expose him to the lifestyles you see fit. If you want your son to grow up knowing that a man isn't defined by his trousers, then I'd say let him become familiar with your father's femme side. If you don't want him to believe that grand-dad has sexy legs, then I'd ask granddad to abstain from dressing around him. Your kid, your call.

Either way, open and honest may be difficult at first, but it will make your life alot clearer and comfortable in the long run. By the way, your husband seems to have very insightful knowledge of the workings of the CD mind but I would suggest you and dad do a one on one conversation at first.

[Di]

Hon, I would talk to him...let him know you know and go from there. Just know this he is the same person...that you alway have loved....it is just a part of him and he kept it from you as not to upset you.....but you know now...clear the air.........best wishes:hugs:

[Michelia]

Is he more emotional and caring with your child than most other men? If he is, it is probably because of his being more feminine than other men. This is not a bad thing. There is no reason to be concerned about your child.

My boy is 7 and he sees me dressing. I still spend a lot of time doing boy things with him. If there is any difference that stands out between him and most other boys is that he is used to kissing and hugging and being more expressive about his feelings than others. His mom is not very emotional and not very affectionate. I like to think he has gotten this from his daddy. It is a good thing.

Leave your daddy's things alone. The day your daddy finds out you are accepting of him, he will be one happy daddy that he has such a special daughter.

Michelia

[Hippy Chic's Chick]

He's your dad, whatever he happens to be wearing. Discovering he likes clothing you wouldn't consider as the norm for your father doesn't take away anything from you, him or your relationship.

He always was, is and always will be the very same man you've always known. You have simply come across a choice he makes as regards clothing, it is as simple as that.

You really shouldn't worry about your child, liking nice knickers doesn't make a man a child molester. You had no concerns before, clothes don't make him any different to whoever you've always perceived him as. Whether or not he is gay, who knows? Again, sexuality has little to do with how you choose to dress. My partner is a CDer and I can assure you he's as straight as they come.

My initial thought on reading your post was that you mustn't mention it to your father, it's his choice to let you know or not. On second thoughts, I think you have to as this has obviously rocked you to the core. Only do so when you've spoken with your evidently very understanding husband and listened to him - everything he's told you is good stuff. Try to approach it non-judgementally and don't expect answers or explanations, to be frank, he doesn't owe you any.

In the meantime, see it for what it is. Something your dad enjoys, nothing more and nothing less. He's not told you because parents tend not to discuss all aspects of their sex/private lives with the kids and he's probably worried about your reaction. Show him that you can acknowledge that he dresses and still accept and love him unconditionally. ;)

[Jaquelyn]

I too, am a grandpa, and a very proud one, just as your father probably is. I would never, ever do ANYTHING to cause harm to my granddaughter. I am a crossdresser, and also into bdsm; that makes me a pervert in some folks minds, but, it DOES NOT make me a child molester. Children are wonderful, a gift from god. People that prey on them are horrible monsters. I am sure when you talk to your father, he will express many of these same opinions.
That being said, you need to talk to your dad. It's going to upset him, he has hid this for a reason: he didn't want to be exiled from his family. Your husband sounds like he is a reasonable man, he did not judge when you told him. That's half your father's worries I am sure. I am not out to my family, only to my wife, and we have talked, and agreed that my son never would understand, and since it's not my only side in my life, he doesn't need to know. I bet, that when you talk to your dad, you will hear some of the very things discussed in this thread.
You already know, has he been weird or strange all your life? Probably not. He has a fetish, a kink, that's all. It's a private thing for him. Just as your sexuality is most likely a private thing for you. Do you talk to your father about things you or your husband are into when your being intimate? Probably not. Neither does he.
BTW: it's already been said here that he has a more femine side obviously. That's not a bad thing. That makes him a better parent, dad, and grandpa. That makes him a bit more understanding and compasionate. So, do the same for him, and go talk to him openly, and non-judgemental. Tell him that you love him, and just want to know the truth, and your sorry for accidently outing him, regarding something so private in his life. If this had happened to me, that's what would make it better for me.......and, hopefully, you.

[AmandaM]

First things first. Talk to dad alone, without hubby. Discuss if he is a TV, a TS, or whatever. Also, you may not want him dressing in front of the toddler. I don't know if he does, but that should be "your call", not his.

I wouldn't stress about it, just think of it as a quirk.

[Minerva Morgan]

First of all, he is your father and if he was, in any way, a danger to children I am sure you would know about it.
It seems to me that much of your concern is the result of misinformation. That you might think a cross-dresser may be homosexual (even though a large proportion are not) is a reasonable misunderstanding given the social attitudes which still exist, and the reluctance of people to openly expose their idiosyncracies. On the other hand, the assumption that homosexuals are child-molesters (with the public knowledge available) is just plain wrong.
So, is your father a child molester? I think not. And if he was, certainly you, more than anyone else, would know.
How do you feel about your father? Are you close? Do you love him? If that is the case, and if the degree of ignorance (no insult intended) you display exists within your community at large; he must be a very, very lonely person. It is possible, now that you know his secret, that you may be of a great help to him. To have someone to share with would be wonderful for him.
I am making several assumptions here, but I would guess that your father has developed a female persona that is living a desperately lonely life. It may be that if you got to know her, you would like her. She isn't 'stealing' your father, but is an augmentation. How does she look? Could she use a little feminine advice?
So your father wears womens' clothes! Big deal! He could be an alcoholic, compulsive gambler, rapist, politician and/or child molester. Apparently, he's none of these; so whom is he hurting? He is not 'sick' (cross-dressing is no longer regarded as a psychological ailment; at least by professionals); and he cannot be 'cured'.
Your major problem is not your father's hobby, but the anxiety it has caused you. Why are you anxious? Perhaps seeing a therapist, who is familiar with and sympathetic to the relevant issues (not all therapists are the same, some can be very ignorant and hostile) might help you.
When you feel comfortable with your father's cross-dressing (and I hope you will become comfortable with it), let him know you know and are okay with it. You might have to set a few rules, as cross-dressers tend to go just a teensy bit silly when they don't have to hide from everyone.
Give us a progress report; as I think many of us are very interested.

Love,
Minerva

[PaulaJaneThomas]

Your major problem is not your father's hobby

I know you mean well but please don't refer to being transgender as a hobby because it isn't. It's a state of being where the person's gender identity does not exactly match their physical sex. A truley civilised society would recognise that being trans is a valid state of human diversity. Unfortunately most of us live in societies which fall somewhere short in this respect as our societies have inherited a view of gender which the Romans imposed on the peoples of Europe at the point of a sword.

[Kris]

Hi wondering,

I don't know what I can add that someone else hasn't already added but to reinforce what I have read I will tell you my thoughts.. you can take them or leave them but you sound so unsure and frightened...

You have the same father that you have had all this time. It might be uncomfortable for you to bring this up to him but I am sure that acceptance from you would be something that he would appreciate. It doesn't sound like you are going to be able to rest until he, himself has reassured you anyway.

My thoughts on child molestation of a person who dresses is less than the average man out there. He is in touch with his feminine side.. and women are less likely to be child molesters than men - not saying that they aren't out there.. but the chances are less. Was he a good father to you? Did he ever do anything inappropriate to you? If your answer is no.. then no would be the answer to your own question. Dressing has nothing to do with sexual orientation or pedophilia.

There are millions of men who have porn that are manly men.. and even women who have porn. You just found his stash of things that he wanted to keep private. Try to relax... take things slow.. if you are overwhelmed, and it sounds like you are.. make a list of all the things that you want to know.. questions that you have so you don't forget and discuss it with him. I imagine that if you don't do this, because it will be an emotionally charged conversation that you will forget what you wanted to ask.

I am sorry that you are so shaken by this information on your dad, and am trying to put myself in your shoes. I think that you will do fine as long as you keep an open mind about this and respect your father for who he is.. even his secret side. He hasn't done anything wrong. His secret was probably kept in fear that you would react in an adverse way to who he is.

Good luck.. and love him like you did before you knew.

Kris GG

[Sheri 4242]

:thumbsup:

I can understand that you are living in a personal, emotionally-charged mindset at the moment, but let me start by saying that you have nothing to worry about. If anything, he's probably a better dad -- and should be an even better grandfather -- if he is a "mtf heterosexual crossdresser." I have to presume he helped rear you -- what kind of dad was he? What kind of person have you turned out to be? If he is a crossdresser, he was probably a whole lot more nurturing than most dads!

This said, take it slow!!! You have uncovered something that most crossdressers have lived with since they were children (some were teenagers, but many of us have been crossdressing -- and knew what we were -- from age 4, +/-). Just FYI, most crossdressers grow up and live in extreme deep fear, with an incredible, almost unbelievable, amount of shame. We are, for the most part, the most closeted people you'll ever study. That said, I could be wrong, but it sounds as if you think highly of him -- that he was a good dad. He's still the same man!!! And, your children are not in harm's way b/c of this revelation!!!

Most who crossdress -- and this is estimated at about 10% of the heterosexual male population (crossdress to some extent, from underdressing with maybe 1 article of feminine clothing, all the way to fully dressing when they can) -- are intelligent, nurturing people.

The first problem you need to address is your attitude. This is normal b/c the first question most of us are asked if we tell -- or if we are outed -- is are we gay. Not that your children would be in ANY danger if he was gay -- b/c there is plenty of anectdotal psychological evidence to support this: the children (and grandchildren) of gays and lesbians are no more likely to be gay or lesbian than the percentages attached to the general population. The same is true for "mtf heterosexual crossdresers!

Where most people's attitudes take a wrong turn is their point of reference. Drag Queens (flambouyant, gay crossdressers) make sense, as Amy Bloom points out in her book Normal, b/c there is a congruence in appearance and sexual orientation. But, remember this: gay men almost always desire other MEN -- that is what they are attracted to, and NOT someone who dresses like a woman.

There are a lot of ideas about why those of us who are "mtf heterosexual crossdressers" are what we are. That really isn't important at this point. What is important is your attitude -- whether you eventually talk to your dad or not. If you do, PLEASE: don't talk to him until you have done plenty of research!!! Many crossdressers NEVER tell their wives -- their soulmates -- b/c that is how deep the fear and guilt runs. Society laughs at Tootsie and Mrs. Doubtfire, but frowns on a dad, husband, friend, or brother they find out dresses up.

You are probably wondering, if he is a mtf heterosexual crossdresser, what does that mean? Why? How does this happen? Before you talk to him you really need a point of reference on this. There is anatomical sex (you are a boy or a girl), and their is gender (your sense of maleness or of being female). Our society has no problem with females wearing "boyshorts" and other things that are the same or like male clothing -- those of us who grew up in the 1950-s/1960's can attest to the changes. Inthe movie The American President, Annete Benning's character is considered sexy, chic, and en vogue coming out in nothing but a man's dress shirt; what would the perception been had Michael Douglas's character gone and put on a nightie?!!! Your dad is what some call "transgendered." A few terms: a transsexual is someone who believes they were born the wrong anatomical sex. Transgendered (TG): In psychology and psychiatry (as well as current general medical literature) is an umbrella term.

The common academic definition of trangendered is one with a cross gender identification that, on one end of a scale is expressed as a need or desire to crossdress, partially (from a single article of clothing) to fully, with or without the goal of achieving sexual arousal, to those who desire to pass as the other sex out in public, to those with a stated desire to be the other sex (desiring to live or be treated as the other sex). On the TS side of the scale there is usually persistent discomfort with one's sense of their gender AND their anatomical sex. A transgendered person can also be considered to be one whose gender identity is, to some greater or lesser degree, inconsistent with with their sexual anatomy so that one's sense of gender is somewhere between feminine and masculine.

Transgender identification and behaviors fall on a continuum between that which has been deemed to be traditionally maculine and that which has been deemed to be traditionally feminine. We now know that women who get in touch with their masculine side, and men who discover the 'woman' within are better off for doing so. An androgynous personality incorporates positive qualities of both, and research is showing that people who fall within this context are far more successful and happier."

MTF Heterosexual crossdressers often speak of having a dichotomous personna -- of having a second self. Not to be overly simplistic, but they feel there is their male side, and they feel there is a feminine side -- and crossdressing is the visible expression of the latter!!!

There are many theories out there as to what "causes" one to be a mtf heterosexual crossdresser, some which make more sense than others. Is it nurture or nature -- or both?!!!

There's the ever-popular theory regarding the hormone wash (aka, the hormone bath) in the womb -- this is the "nature" side of the coin -- that some subscribe to, counting, in part, me. We know there is a hormone bath upon the fetus, so since this hormone wash does happen, it isn't a far reach to me to think that "if" during this hormone wash there is an over-abundance of female hormones, that such would have to effect the developing fetus.

New medical research shows that a certain cluster of cells within the brain in GG's (genuine women real women: born that way) are a certain size (v. what they are in GM's -- genetic males) -- and that in the few CDers studied, the cluster is the same size as in the GG's.

There is a lot of speculation -- and a lot to study. Truth be known, many of us subscribe to one realm of thought, while others subscribe to another, etc. Some say socialization, others say CDing often manifests itself at too young an age for that to be correct. In the main, I have my opinions and thoughts, but what I think is most important is that we concentrate on acceptance, first of ourselves -- and then acceptance by others who are signficant to us -- like YOU are going to have to address!!! Even those in psychology and medicine are finally saying that accomodation and acceptance is the course of action for CDers. If we accomplish just that much, we will be doing okay!!!!!!!

If you talk to your dad, think about it being just you and him!!! As "educated and enlightened" as your husband sounds, that may be too much for someone deeply closeted. Before you talk, though, you have got to come to terms with yourself and can you accept him for what he is?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Keep reading -- keep asking questions -- keep learning!!!!!!!! Get in touch any time you need/want to - once you get to 10 posts you can send private messages if you want to, or join the GG-only forum. Whatever you do, you hold the life-long peace of mind of your dad in your hands by how you approach this!!!!!!!


:thumbsup: Best Wishes!!!

[SANDRA MICHELLE]

Well I am a dad and I am a crossdresser and my kids don't know as of yet but if they found out I would hope that we could all discuss it and I think it would be tough but they would work with it. Whatever you do don't go to your mom and ask her about it, that should be your dads job and if he has not as of yet he will need to probably work that out since it would be unfair for you to bear the secret by yourself. If he has been a good dad you need not worry about his choice of clothes. You are right to be concerned where your child is concerned so this gives you the right to discuss your concerns with your dad.

[Julie York]

I commend you for researching the subject. The more you find out the less of a 'threat' it will all seem.


But on a lighter note.......
If you found out that he secretly dressed up as a Super Hero would you be alarmed for the welfare of your child? They two subjects are not related are they? (Unless he wants take him flying?)


If you found a pair of fluffy pink handcuffs and red highheels under his bed.......would you REALLY think it wise to have a long meaningful discussion about the subject? Or just keep it to yourself?


You've been given some outstanding advice. Good luck in your research.

:thumbsup:

[Sheri 4242]

Well I am a dad and I am a crossdresser and my kids don't know . . .


I have 7 children (ages 13 through 21) . . . (t)wo of my children know that I crossdress (one by accident!), the others will know when we feel they are emotionally ready to deal with it.

I forgot to say in my rather lengthy earlier post (sorry it was so long, but I thought you needed the information) that, like many of the crossdressers here, I am a dad -- and a grandfather, now, too. All of our children are in their twenties. Two do not know -- and we plan on keeping it that way. Of those two, both have turned out to be very closed-minded individuals, much to our dismay. The other two do know. One knows fully and is very accepting -- she's even bought me some feminine things a few times. I have no problem dressing in front of her. The fourth child knows, doesn't have a problem with it, but is also a very shy and retiring person, so we really don't talk about it. This is the second marriage for my wife and me, and two of the children are hers and two are mine. We have been married about 15 years and, hindsight being 20-20, we maybe should have told all four about it years ago. Regardless, I think my wife would tell you that I am a very loving and nurturing father -- and I think she'd tell you that she learned a long time ago that a lot of what she loves about me extends from my feminine personna, including that I am an excellent dad!

So, once again, I urge you to go slowly. Study and learn all you can -- and when the time is right, have a calm, private conversation with your dad. If you can't do it calmly and with some empathy based on what you've learned, maybe you shouldn't have the talk. This talk could define the remainder of your association with your dad, so you need to get this right!!!

[Rachell]

I read this message earlier today and have thoght about it all day. You are in a tough situation and all I can think of is my own daughter. She to would react the same way you did. I thought what I would say to you is read all the replies from all these folks and reread them. I am new here and thats what I have done. There is a lot of very good info here. Be patient with this and what ever you decide he is still your dad and always will be no matter what he wears. He will always be there to protect you and your children what ever the out come of this situation is. I am sure it will all work out probably with a few tears and hopefully some laughs. Good luck keep us posted on the outcome.
Rachell
PS
I am sure your dad is no threat to your children. I for one have no use for any kind of child or adult moletation or the people who commit it.

[Michelle (Oz)]

Dear Wondering

I can only speak for the sought of person I am. The odds are that your father will be similar but only after you talk openly with him will you be able to form that judgment. You husband is refreshingly open and his suggestions are good ones.

I have a daughter and son 33 and 31 who do not know I cross dress although my dressing started well after they left home. I have 3 step children aged 13, 14 and 16 who do not know I crossdress by agreement with my wife. Often I feel deceiptful in not telling them. They see the clothes, jewelry, shoes, etc around but don't ask questions. Our concern is that they may not be able to understand particularly while they are going through puberty.

If they find out accidently at some point, they will likely feel deceived like you. But at what point is it "safe" to share our secret with our children? The longer it goes the more culturally biased we become defining gender as binary, i.e. all feminine or all masculine and therefore our biases become deeply ingrained. That's why your husband's attitude was, on the surface, refreshing.

Cross dressers usually combine feminity and masculinity in a different proportion to the norm but everyone is not totally masculine or feminine. You may well find that your father is more nurturing and caring as a result of who he is. My wife tells me that I am.

This is very different to whether we are physically male or female, or what is our sexual preference. In the latter case, there is every reason to think and expect that your father is heterosexual, but so what?

You are reflecting the very fears that prevented your father telling you about himself and carrying the great burden of secrecy. If you didn't know about his dressing, what would you have thought about his skills as a grandfather?

Love him and be compassionate. Talk to him about your fears. Decide together whether you want your child to understand about grandfather. Your child has the chance to grow up without the prejudices of society.

Michelle (Oz)

[jjjjohanne]

You never knew because he didn't want to tell you. Now that you know, it is alright to let him know that you know. You unfortunately were exposed to his secret in the worst way, I suppose. Be cautious. Your mother might not know. Now, you hold a mighty weapon with which you can really hurt him. Wield it wisely!

Joe

[Emily Ann Brown]

A dresser's worst nightmare.....exposed to his children.

Most of us fear what our family will think if they found out. We get painted as pervs by the Jerry Springer crowd. Most of us here would NEVER go on that show or be invited because we are BORING. We live normal dull lives and have normal dull relationships with our families. We are boringly heterosexual.

My daughter knew all about me. She was my biggest supporter. Some of my best memories of her will always involve shopping for Em and the closeness. I was lucky to have accepted myself before she knew. I was ready to be open and tell all (why not...secret was out). Your dad may not be as comfortable with himself as I am....don't be surprised if he is short on words for a bit when he realizes you know. Just let him hear the words that he will crave most. You love him still and that will never change.

Now let out your breath dear.


Emily Ann

[samantha78]

No need to worry, as it was stated he probably had done this most of his life, with out you finding out till now. he's not gay. Most likely it will be hard for him to talk about it at first with you. Show him your open minded, become his best friend.
He should open up to you. Just don't egg him on the situation.

[Sheri 4242]

This talk could define the remainder of your association with your dad, so you need to get this right!!!

Please, please, please: read and re-read what Emily Ann posted a few posts before this one. Also, if you have time, please read (and respond to, if you have time) the thread I started yesterday entitled "Acceptance . . . By Other Than SO." (When I last checked a few minute ago it was on Page One of these threads.)

Emily Ann's daughter was accepting and encouraging, thus I guess you could say she helped Emily Ann in spirit and intrinsic essence -- and they had an enriched relationship because of this!!!!!!!

Emily Ann lost her daughter to cancer the other day -- which underscores in no small part why I have said to you that what you do about, and with, this knowledge could very well define the remainder of your association with your dad!!!!!!!

[Veronica 1]

I am on the other side of the coin, my son and his family will be moving back home shortly and will be staying with me for the first little while. I am new to crossdressing and I am totally exploring my feminine side and loving it. I will have lots of time with the family so my dressing will be put on hold while they are here. I would hate to be an influence on my grandsons, if they are going to CD, let them discover it for themselves. I am sure that your father feels the same but you could bring up in casual conversation some subjects to lead him to opening up. If he does not, then don't push it, but keep hinting over time that you suspect and maybe he will open up to you. He is not a sexual predator, he just likes to wear lace.

[Marcie Sexton]

I don't think you have any thing to worry about...I'm sure he was a great father to just as he is a better grand father to your child...

If he is any thing like me, he would go above and beyond the call to protect a child, his or any other...Enjoy your father and when and if the time becomes right I'm sure he will reveal all to you...

It is the preconceived notions about CDers you have mentioned that continue to haunt us in main stream society...While I'm not condeming you, just sit back and see what we really are...You father, next door neighbor, the police officcer on the beat, the bus driver you ride to work...We are normal as any one else, we simply like to wear the fairer sex's clothing...

[Holly]

Hi Wondering. I can't really add much to what has been written already. We tend to fear things that we don't understand. Cross dressing is very mis-understood. The fact that you are here is a huge plus. My daughter and my son both know. My daughter, like you, discovered my "secret" quite by accident. If you would like to read about that, then please click this link (http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?t=11841). My daughter is a member of this forum (as is my wife) and you will also see her reaction in this thread as well. From my perspective, we are closer than ever. Just this past May, she was married and I (as her father) walked her down the aisle (although I did tease her that I had to look for a father-of-the-bride dress :p). I hope the same thing for you as well, that you and your dad will become even closer. I hope that you will let us know what happens... feminine curiosity.

[Angie G]

I don't think you need worry about you son with your dad dressind don't make him gay and you know your dad would ha do anything dab to the boy :hugs:
Angie

[wondering]

OK...first of all, I can't tell you all how grateful I am for your understanding, advice, & information. I feel like giving you all a big hug! I have to confess something & I know some of you are going to disagree with my decision. I snooped through my father's things. I know it was wrong, but somehow I felt better afterward. It surprised me that it's not really "hidden". I have so many questions now, but don't know how to ask them. My husband thinks we should tell my dad that we know & we're ok with it. I'm not ready for that. What if he would prefer to keep it his secret? But then what if it would relieve him to know that we know? He has struggled with depression for several years & I now wonder if this secret contributes to that. I am also not clear on what end of the spectrum he is on. Does he wish he were a woman or is it just a sexual fetish for him? The thing that really threw me off was that he had several dildos amongst his things. Keep in mind this is an older single man. Now I'm really confused! The other thing that gets me is the way all the items are so old & tacky for lack of a better word. I found jewelry, make-up, shoes, perfume. I'm wondering if anyone knows? Does he have an outlet to confide in people like this one? Does he go anywhere like this? There are so many things I want to know, but I just don't feel I can ask him. I don't want to embarass him. Is it better to just let things be. I have to admit, it has brought me closer to him in a weird way. It's like all the sudden I'm really paying attention to everything. He seems so completely not like someone who would do this. I know that sounds bad-I'm just trying to speak openly here. I really hope to hear from some of you again.

[BarbaraTalbot]

like grief, first denial (my dad cant be doing this). Bargaining (If he will just quit I'll forget I found out). Depression (my life is so diffesent and can;t go back to how it was.) Anger. (How can he either do this and complicate my life, or if he must not be more careful about hiding it??). Acceptance (He is who he is, has always beens so most likely and none of this negates the way I felt before I knew.


Now I just threw this together because I wanted to say something before you took off again, possibly not to return.


What to do now is the hard part. He would be mortified is he knew how you found out and the specificity of what you know. I sense that you sincerely regret knowing as much as you do and really only sought to understand, but nothing else can be gained by more snooping other than embarrassing him and possibly you further.

Whether to tell him you know, is a hard one. I agree that if you do a lot of good could come especially if you can at least go through the motions of telling him in a loving way the level to which you are comfortable supporting him. He could benefit from a place like this and if you talked to him you could mention it. All of that is secondary to you just accepting and loving your dad in your own mind no matter what you decide to do.

Best wishes for you and your dad.

Edit: also if you can post 7 more posts you can then access features such as private messaging here if you want to ask questions of specific members you dont want to ask in the open. Also with more posts, you could join the gg (genetic girl) forum where maybe your issues might resonate with some members that might feel more free to let you air your concerns without risk of 'offending' us crossdressers. But you shouldn't worry about that you certainly haven't offended me or I dare say anyone here with your sincere questions.

[Sweet Jane]

I won't comment on your original post as there has been so much good advice given, I could only cover the same old ground

He seems so completely not like someone who would do this.
...I am so sure thats what most people who know me would say about me. I am not some fey overtly androgenous guy when I am drerssed like one. I am a normal looking and acting guy, who goes and fights fires for a living....................then theres this other person who has hidden within for almost all my life...the girl!!!! I'm sure she doesn't turn me into a pervert or anything. She does make me a little embarrassed simply because most people don't understand it, me included.
My children don't know (I think), but I hope they would view me as the same Dad they grew up with, albeit with a strange side, if they ever discovered Jane...I don't ever intend to tell them.
I think lots of us here conform to masculine normality when we are guys, so there are possibly some other guys you know who also harbour this secret to some degree or another................I often wonder if any of my friends are keeping the same secret!!

[Jaquelyn]

If you are not ready to have an open, honest talk with him about this, then don't. You will have to be ready yourself to accept things about your father that you may find uncomfortable. You seem to act squirmish or be in denial about finding things like sex toys, and what they might be for. If you bring this up, be ready for a lot of posiblilities. He could do this for fun, for a sexual kink or because he has gender identity issues. Again, we, meaning MTF crossdressers, do this for lots of reasons. Thats why we have a place like here: to share and learn from each other, without judgement. If you talk to your dad, that's what you have to do. Listen, share and learn about him, and try not to judge. Sometimes, with people we love, that's a hard thing to do.

[Val702]

I am a father, an ex husband (whose X-wife knows he is a crossdresser), a professional, and not gay. I am trusted to watch my daughter anytime. I always do this in boy mode, cuz my daughter needs her father. Your father needs a little understanding. He is probably afraid for you to know. I remember being afriad when I told my wife. It is not easy to bring the subject out. You probably know him well enough to decide how to handel this.

[TerriM]

Dear Wondering

I want to thank you for writing this site asking about your father. I am a father of 5 children and have two beautiful grandchildren that give me more joy than I can say. None of my children know, at least as far as I know. One of my biggest fears is that if my daughter and son-law found out that I was a crossdresser that it would affect the realtionship I have with my grandkids. I know my son-in law would be shocked the most. We have a great relationship and I would never want to see it change. Your writng resulted in a lot of good information and maybe helped a lot of other people.

Yours Terri

[Chantelle CD]

As you can see, there are a lot of cross dressing Dad's out there :) There has been a lot of good advice, and wize words given to you already, ill add a few things that come to mind to say to you...

What we feel and express when dressing this way, makes us softer, more aware of the ways of woman, understanding, compassionate, and yes feminine. That is not a bad thing, it opens us up to expressing more of ourself, and we become and feel more complete because of it. Your child would be just as safe exposed to him in any way he dresses, depending on how you want your child to understand this part of life, gay matters, or what ever, i would want a child of mine if i had one, not to judge others, but be accepting of people what ever race, sexual orientation ect.

He probably has been a cross dresser most of his life like most of us, you said he had depression, most likely fighting this part of himself, as most of us went threw, before accepting ourselves.


As far as the toys you found, anal sex for men is totally normal, and pleasurable. weather your gay, straight, and use toys, again , nothing to worry about, other than the fact you just found out a bit more about your dad, maybe something you shouldn't have found out about, any more than him knowing what makes you tic sexually.

I would stop snooping about his privates, and talk to him, get some understanding with him, and for his sake, i wouldn't go telling the whole family, other people either, for his sake, he most likely has kept it well hidden since he was a child, and because of how most see this, we have to keep it hidden. You wouldn't want him more depressed would you.

Just in case you didn't know, cross dressing has been around for a looong time!! Has been done and goes back a long ways. Has always been kept hidden, because a man feeling feminine is just taboo, but its totally ok for a woman to feel there masculine side. Woman fought for there right to ware pants, there once was a day they were looked down at for this, and is now totally accepted. Feeling feminine, and pretty are emotions that not only a woman can have, believe it or not, but its true, it doesn't make you gay, it only mean that one can feel more of the emotions and feelings that are avalible for us to feel, along with them comes a even deeper sense of self, and compassion, basically what the male population has been lacking, for way to long!! I can bet, your dad is a very caring person....isn't he?

Trust me dear, he is not a freak, someone to hide your children from, he shouldn't be looked at differently by you, now that you know. You came to the right place for answers, please don't go telling everyone his secret he has been hiding for so long, he may even be fighting this inside himself still. TALK to him, if you cant just let it go, and let him be with this and treat him as you always have. Talk to him if you want to be closer to him, and even meet this woman that is a part of him, we all have this opposite side to ourselves, im sure you have felt the strong willed, hardened male side of yourself, that gives you strength in times of need. No need for tears, he is not dead, he is still your father, that will never change.

[Stephanie Mancini]

am going to keep this short , you have the most wonderful father any girl would wish to have , go give him a hug and be there for him just this once ,

Steph

[immike]

Help! I think I just discovered (by accident) that my father (who is now single) is a crossdresser. I am very confused. It was definitely not something I was supposed to find-it was a complete accident. I don't know if I should just tell him what I found or just forget about it. Should I bring this up with him & if so...how? I am in total shock and I cried all day. I'm not against it, I'm just not familiar with what this means. Does this mean he is gay? My biggest concern is that I have a toddler son who adores his grandfather & stays with him often. Do I have any reason to be concerned about leaving my child with him now that I know this? I hate to think that way, but there are just so many things to worry about as a parent. I want to have an open mind about this, but I'm a little scared. I've only shared this with my husband & he seems to think we should talk to him openly about it & that I have nothing to worry about as far as our son is concerned. He thinks it's not that unusual of a thing & it doesn't necessarily make him gay or that it would mean he has the potential to do anything inappropriate in front of or with his grandson. I just need some advice on whether to approach this with my dad or not & whether or not I have any reason to be concerned about my child. And then there's the fact that this came out of nowhere & took me by total surprise-I feel like this whole day was just a dream. I cried afterward, but I don't really know why. This is just not something I would ever imagine him doing. I hope someone replies to this with some honest & understanding advice.
Your Father will always be the strong,take charge,sensitive,caring,loving&
protective person you remember growing up&his love for you will never ever
stop&his love&caring for his grandchild or grandchildren will never stop.It's
a phase,it helps him deal with the everyday stresses of life.He'll always be
manly,macho&tough,but he discovered something that allows him to leave
the stress behind for an hour or so,being in the wardrobe of the opposite sex
and feeling what it feels like from a womans perspective.I do it,I'm a closet
crossdresser,I am guilty of sneaking into mothers closet&secretly dressing in her wardrobe.I only order undies&pantyhose out of mothers womens catalogs,
which I wear,as I try on many of mothers good wardrobe.I love to pull out a short mini skirt&silk blouse,in addition to a pair of heels.More often,though,I
love to dress in her short skirtsuits&all of her good pantsuits.I get pleasure out of dressing in her wardrobe,using one of her wigs,sitting at her make-up
table&doing my hair,nails&lipstick&borrowing one of her purses.

[Melinda G]

I have been crossdressing since the age of 14, and neither my kids, nor my grandchildren know anything about it, unless my ex told them. And I don't think she did.

[JULIE33362]

I Just Love To Dress Up I Have 2 Kids 3 & 5 My Wife Helps Me Dress Talk To Your Dad When You Calm Down Do More Reading About This Good Luck Rember He Is Still Your Dad All The Good Thing R Still There Now You Know

[Zee]

OK...first of all, I can't tell you all how grateful I am for your understanding, advice, & information. I feel like giving you all a big hug! I have to confess something & I know some of you are going to disagree with my decision. I snooped through my father's things. I know it was wrong, but somehow I felt better afterward. It surprised me that it's not really "hidden". I have so many questions now, but don't know how to ask them. My husband thinks we should tell my dad that we know & we're ok with it. I'm not ready for that. What if he would prefer to keep it his secret? But then what if it would relieve him to know that we know? He has struggled with depression for several years & I now wonder if this secret contributes to that. I am also not clear on what end of the spectrum he is on. Does he wish he were a woman or is it just a sexual fetish for him? The thing that really threw me off was that he had several dildos amongst his things. Keep in mind this is an older single man. Now I'm really confused! The other thing that gets me is the way all the items are so old & tacky for lack of a better word. I found jewelry, make-up, shoes, perfume. I'm wondering if anyone knows? Does he have an outlet to confide in people like this one? Does he go anywhere like this? There are so many things I want to know, but I just don't feel I can ask him. I don't want to embarass him. Is it better to just let things be. I have to admit, it has brought me closer to him in a weird way. It's like all the sudden I'm really paying attention to everything. He seems so completely not like someone who would do this. I know that sounds bad-I'm just trying to speak openly here. I really hope to hear from some of you again.

It may be that he secretly wishes he was a woman, but then again, it may not. Might I suggest that you take dad out for coffee, alone. You and him. Having your husband around may make him feel awkward. Then tell him how you accidentally found some of his things. Make sure he knows how you feel about it too. Being open and honest is always the best. Even if it hurts, in the long run people are better off for it. Let him know you love him. Give him hugs and lots of them. After all this will be a very vulnerable time for him.

However, before you do this, YOU need to find out what this means to you. Are YOU OK with it? Do you want to see him dressed? Is it OK with your husband? What boundries, if any, do you see yourself putting up? Once you figure out how comfortable (or not) you are with the idea of dad dressing up, you can have a talk with him.

Be fair to him and to yourself. IF everything is cool, consider this... you have a new shopping partner :D

Lots o' love and luck
Z

[Glenda58]

Wondering talk to him he's not a bad guy set limits if he doesn't have them already. I know I'm a grandfather of 4. I live alone and can dress 24/7 but whent the kids come everything is put away and locked up. My daughters know about my CDing that why their mother and I don't live together and she told them. With 3 grandsons they like coming over to see PAPA because I'll get down and play with them. While the other PAPAs can't because they're out of shape. And My granddaughter likes it because PAPA will listen to her talk about dressing and playing house or with dolls.

Just talk with him he's still the man you grew up loving and he hasn't don't anything to change that. It's not the cloths that makes the man but his heart.

[sissystephanie]

Wondering,

I am a 75 y/o widower CD, whose wife knew before we were married. I told her and she not only was O.K. with it, she participated with me. Doing my makeup, hair, etc. We have two wonderful children who have never been told, and 3 grandchildren.

When our daughter married a man with 2 children, we took care of them while they went on their honeymoon. I would not ever think of touching a child sexually, and I doubt if any other CD would. So I think you have no problem there.

The major problem, which arose in your last post, is why were you "snooping" in his house? That is going to be hard to explain if you do decide to confront him. I live by my self, and have my feminine things in the closets and in the dresser drawers. But my two grown children know that if they come to my house, they are under my rules. One rule has always been, if the door of a room is closed don't go in! So when they come over, I close the bedroom door. If I leave the house I also close it. And I would definitely know if anyone had been in the room and gone thru my things.

You are the only one who can answer the question as to why you did it. And you are the one who will have to explain it to your dad. If you can come up with a plausible explanation, then I think you should tell him. But you invaded his privacy, and that might be hard for him to swallow. I would tread very lightly with him no matter what you do, but above all let him know in no uncertain terms that you love him, whether you tell him what you found or not. If you don't do that, as has already been said, you are risking HIS whole future life. If you truly love your Dad, you surely don't want to risk his future like that. Being single, whether thru death or divorce, he is lonely I'm sure. Crossdressing may be an escape for him. It is for me! I have been a widower for over 2 years, and I am lonely at times so I CD. Thank heaven I have a very wonderful Internet GGF in Scotland to keep my spirits up.

Sissy

More Girl than man sometimes

[Rosaliy Lynne]

:thumbsup:

... I have to presume he helped rear you -- what kind of dad was he? What kind of person have you turned out to be? If he is a crossdresser, he was probably a whole lot more nurturing than most dads!

This said, take it slow!!! You have uncovered something that most crossdressers have lived with since they were children (some were teenagers, but many of us have been crossdressing -- and knew what we were -- from age 4, +/-). Just FYI, most crossdressers grow up and live in extreme deep fear, with an incredible, almost unbelievable, amount of shame. We are, for the most part, the most closeted people you'll ever study. That said, I could be wrong, but it sounds as if you think highly of him -- that he was a good dad. He's still the same man!!! And, your children are not in harm's way b/c of this revelation!!!

...
What is important is your attitude -- whether you eventually talk to your dad or not. If you do, PLEASE: don't talk to him until you have done plenty of research!!! Many crossdressers NEVER tell their wives -- their soulmates -- b/c that is how deep the fear and guilt runs. Society laughs at Tootsie and Mrs. Doubtfire, but frowns on a dad, husband, friend, or brother they find out dresses up.
...

:thumbsup: Best Wishes!!!

Remember. Before you knew this, he was your dad. Now that you know this, he is your dad. Nothing of value has changed.


I commend you for researching the subject. The more you find out the less of a 'threat' it will all seem.


But on a lighter note.......
If you found out that he secretly dressed up as a Super Hero would you be alarmed for the welfare of your child? They two subjects are not related are they? (Unless he wants take him flying?)


If you found a pair of fluffy pink handcuffs and red highheels under his bed.......would you REALLY think it wise to have a long meaningful discussion about the subject? Or just keep it to yourself?


You've been given some outstanding advice. Good luck in your research.

:thumbsup:

Makes you think. Why would a man dressed as a super hero, which our children often hold to be true of us when they are still 'children', be a better person that the same man dressed as a woman?


A dresser's worst nightmare.....exposed to his children.

...
Just let him hear the words that he will crave most. You love him still and that will never change.

Emily Ann

As noted in a previous post, you literally hold his life, even his future, in your hand. If he hears from you what Emily Ann said just above ... imagine how YOU would feel in his shoes.