Having a bad week!

[AmberTG]

Be prepared for the whining and possible rambling on!
I've had a rough week, mentally. Here I am, attempting to seriously transition, and I realise there are things that I will need to fix if I ever expect to be physically passable as a woman. I know that certain things you can't do anything about, like hand size, for instance. My feet are acceptable, size 10 or 11 woman's, depending on the shoe.
Electrolysis is expensive, and at the rate I can afford to go, it'll take another 2 years, very frustrating! Then there's the really big ticket items, like a trachial shave, which will be quite necessary for me to be believable. That's one of the problems with being skinny, it sticks out like a beacon.
I'm hoping that the HRT will fill in my face properly, but only time will tell. A good partial wig, for the top of my head, will be expensive, I have enough hair every where else on my head and would prefer to use as much of my own as possible. The finesteride and spiro are helping my hair, but I doubt it will ever be thick enough to be acceptable on top.
If I do need FFS to "look the part", I'm screwed! I couldn't come up with that kind of money if I sold everything I own!
The body shape is probably the easiest thing to modify, thank God. Padded garments work wonders for others, one of these days, I need to buy a padded panty girdle to try it out.
All the mental preparation in the world won't help me if I'm instantly identified as male when people see me!
I get enough strange looks now when people see me with my long hair and earrings, people probably just think I'm gay, which is OK with me, I don't care about that. People don't confront you about that anymore, they just let it pass. For instance, I was fixing a juke box at a bar last night and I could see some of the men customers checking me out in that way that men do when they think "something ain't right here", but things were cool while I was there. I think I made one guy nervous, he was joking about putting some free credits on the juke box when I got done fixing it, so I did, and I was joking back with him about him. I think he got a bit nervous about that, of course it could just be my impression, also.
Anyway, the point is, will I continue to be identified as a "gay man" as I go through transition? Will I ever be able to physically "pass inspection" as a woman, even at the most casual glance? Do I just give up and go back to being miserible? I can't go back to testosterone, I think I'd have to shoot myself before allowing that to happen. Thank God that spiro is inexpensive, it's been part of my reason for wanting to continue on in this life.
The V.A. won't pay for any cosmetic procedures, hell, I haven't been able to get them to prescribe the HRT yet, which they will do if you can meet their criteria.
I think I'm just gonna go outside and sulk in my garden for a while, take my mind off all of this mess for a while! My garden is my relaxation and "get away from my problems" thing.

[Sharon]

Transitioning is definitely an expensive endeavor if you're planning to do as much as you are. Why not break the list down and concentrate on one or two things at a time, rather than the whole? When you complete one course, then you can look towards the next.

Other than hormone treatment, which you have already started, I would focus on the hair removal. Is laser an option rather than electrolysis? If your facial hair is dark enough, you may be able to save yourself some money by trying that method. If not, as I wrote, I would still have it done before any FFS procedures.

And try to remember one thing -- it is more important how you feel about yourself than how other people do. :happy:

[Teresa Amina]

I saw a lot of funny looking women today at an antique tractor show who could have used FFS themselves. There are some frighteningly masculine looking women out there who didn't start off "born wrong". They get by, so will you. You're already better looking than some :D

[JoannaDees]

I'll not accept your post as whining. Thank you for sharing your feelings and journey. It will resonate with many.

[Siobhan Marie]

I'll not accept your post as whining. Thank you for sharing your feelings and journey. It will resonate with many.

Amber, I agree with Joanna hun. I won't except your post as whining either because it most certainly is not.

:hugs: Siobhán x

[melissaK]

Well, welcome to the world of the "not so pretty" GG's. Madison Avenue's ad agencies, Prada, Playboy, People, and movies like Pretty Woman set a pretty tough standard to be considered a "feminine beauty." I like "pretty" as well as the next girl, but don't fall for "all" the hype. Take a page or two from some women's lib books (just a page or two hun, you' dont have to be Gloria Steinham) and start looking at all the "not so pretty" GG's out there and realize they find friends, they attract SO's, they have good and decent lives.

And as for the transitionor's agenda, a grad school professor I very much disliked had a maxim that I had to respect: "Life by the yard is hard; by the inch it's a cinch." And if that wasn't enough to keep us students plowing forward, he had a back-up: "One handful of mud at a time."

After that garden walk, you'll be fine.

hugs,
'lissa

[AmberTG]

Thanks for all the kind words, girls! I do feel somewhat better today. I guess I got overwhelmed with the size of the problem and the lack of money to tackle it with. And here, I'm the one who gives advice about "eating an elephant one bite at a time".
This month, I had to make a choice between an electrolysis session or a trip downstate this coming weekend, I chose the trip! The electrolysis can wait a bit, it's not like I'm almost done with it at this point!
I have another appointment with the Endo at the V.A. in Milwaukee, mid September, so maybe I can get him to prescribe for me this time, saving me some money over DIY costs.
Sharon, I wanted to try a laser treatment here in the local area but the reports that I've gotton about this clinic are not encouraging. The people that I know of that have had treatments done here say that it's more painful then necessary, making me wonder about the skill of the operator. I am going to try laser on my hands this winter when my tan fades, by then, I should have a little extra money for it.
The trachial shave is just gonna have to wait, I guess. Maybe someday...

[Maggie Kay]

Amber, as one of those less fortunate who cannot see an endo or have any medical procedures, I could say you have it good. However, I can understand that getting rid of this maleness is a major drive in all of us MtFs and that means that any of the hindrances will loom large until they are all gone. One can only hope to get along as best as we can while we seek some opportunity to get what we need. Sorry that you had a bad week. You have been very helpful to me lately and I wish that I could return the favor. About all I can say is that I feel for you and hope the best for you too. I am glad that you are feeling better.

[Malissa Madison]

Amber,
Huging you tight, I know some of the problems with VA I'm just starting out on that long road. They wouldn't even tell me about TAVA, Transgendered American Veterans Association.
Malissa

[AmberTG]

I'm telling you, some weeks you eat the bear, some weeks the bear eats you! Crap!! I hate being broke all the time!

[Siobhan Marie]

I'm telling you, some weeks you eat the bear, some weeks the bear eats you! Crap!! I hate being broke all the time!

It's ok hun, I understand what its like to not have much money and if it's any consolation, I hate it too. :hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs:

:hugs: Siobhán x

[tori-e]

All the mental preparation in the world won't help me if I'm instantly identified as male when people see me!

Where I live I've gotten to know quite a number of transpeople in person. One in particular I met when she was very definitely a he. Very large and quite the opposite of girly. Fast forward a year or two to an ocean side coffee shop. I was very new to being out and a bit nervous. But she was so completely comfortable with herself. I could not see a speck of man in her. No FFS or much else but the attitude made all the difference. She is a she.

I try to remember that when I am out. Being happy and friendly to people removes any uncomfortableness there might be.

There was a time when I had quite a list of things that I had to do to pass. A couple of years have passed and a lot of them have not been done. I once told my doc I had to do FFS before full time. He was quite put off. Now I am full time and no FFS. I've been part time for several months and FT for almost a month. I still wonder a lot what people are thinking, but what the heck, I'm living as a woman and that it is so cool. What else matters?

[SarahAnn]

Amber.
I started living full time and working full time with no surgery no hormones, no laser/ electrolysis, no trachial shave's nothing.
I am a woman and everyone has to accept me as such, the way I move and carrymyself displays that as a fact. I work where I am seen by thousands daily with many of them in contact with me, my voice isnt feminised yet and after answering the hundreth question of the day makes it tough on the voice.Yet most treat me as a woman and call me (well ask that lady,woman etc) a woman or lady or mam though the most often is mate (the GG here where I work get called that too).
Its about how you carry your self. Iam not self concious as far as Iam concerned Iam a woman and Iam better looking than 30% at least of the GG's out there. Learn to not focus on such things as looks therein lies the route to madness look at how many beautiful women are scewed up because they think they are not beautiful. Yes it would be nice that to everyone who see's me had no doubt that Iam a female through apperance alone. But I know that this will not happen till later down the road after being on hormones having my laser done and poss a little FFS surgery which will be decided by me after another couple of years.
My voice coach warned me about the dangers involved with tracheal shaves ( poss nerve damage that could affect voice).
My clothes at work are not that feminine (uniform very unsexy or glam).

Once you accept yourself as amber as you are now others will. Thats how I am treated iam not perfect in face by any means but no one takes any notice of me they dont stare because I act with upmost confidence smile a lot and am just Sarah at work. Once you realise that then everything else is not that nececcessary.
As for Laser after saving I have just started this week and the results after just one session is astounding.For me the fisrt prioroty was getting my wardrobe kitted out with clothes for all seasons,coats shoes boots jewellry etc. I am yet to start on the hormones it can be done.
5 years back I was poor debts etc. never thought that I could get this far at that point but you focus on your objective knuckle down work hard and before you know it its happening for you.

good luck

sarah.