Well now what?

[Sarahgurl371]

Well its been a while since I have written anything meaningful here on the forums. I have been in so much inner termoil, Just trying to get by for another day it seems. Lately things have escalated here at home. My wife and I are on the verge of divorce, well have been for some time, the issue is no doubt all the T stuff in my head, and need for her acceptance of me. She doesn't accept it at all and I have been trying to reconcile myself that I could stay this way if she would let me express myself here at home and be okay with me. It looks as though this isn't going to work out at all liked I had hoped.

While talking about it all again last night, I was confronted with her knowledge that things will continue to escalate for me. I have been "hiding" my desire to escalate things forever, I have never known "enough" it seems and there is always a healthy measure of restraint for me when I indulge in dressing. She now sees me as "both" a man and a woman, and says that my mannerisms have changed to become female. In a moment of clarity last night it occurred to me that she sees the picture more clearly than I do. She knows where the road is going, I have been trying not to see it. Hoping that my marriage and my desire to remain as "normal" as possible, will stave off the desire to transition. As I write this it seems like a dream, "am I really at this point where no amount of wishing it will subside has any hope fo reality?"

I am so confused, so lonely, and so frustrated with myself anymore. I am in despair at the thought of the future with none of this, and afraid of my future "allowing" myself to just be myself. I have put all my energy into saving this marriage and now it seems that is an impossiblity. Not only will I lose it but also the main reason I have been holding myself back. Now where will I go from here?

I keep thinking that i will just end up alone in some crummy apartment somewhere, living only while I am locked inside. Never having the courage to face the world as Tammy. How will I get thru my life? How will I face the people that "know" me after I turn the switch in my head to allow myself to explore myself?

Over the past couple years I have done so much research, comparing myself to others who have declared themselves "transsexual" in an attempt to define what exactly I am. I have found that I never fully agree with anyone else's description of what it means. My therapist thinks I am, but I fight his opinions every week. He wants me to explore, I don't because I am afraid of where it leads. My life was not supposed to be like this!

Forgive my rant and my self pity. I am just at the point where I am realizing that everything I have worked for for sixteen years is going to disappear because of something I have attempted to restrict or eliminate for twenty five.

I admire the courage of all of you who choose to be themselves, regardless of what the world thinks.

Won't someone here make a snap diagnosis of me? Tell me what I am.

[loriannetucson]

Hi, dear. I have a diagnosis: You are who YOU are. Even a trained psychologist or a clergyperson, or your wife or your friends, cannot conceive the inner turmoil you're going through. I can tell you with no uncertaintly that you would be certainly classified as gender dyshphoric. And that's only because the struggle is so prevalent that it consumes your life and you're having extreme difficulty coping with it. I'm so sorry to hear that all this has happened, especially with your wife. I never considered myself a crossdresser, nor was I sure that I was transsexual, up until a year ago. That's when my WIFE was the one who pushed me to get help for my TG feelings. I too was suffering from severe depression and I could not cope with other issues that needed my attention as well.

When my father passed away this year, I didn't realize how badly it would affect me. That coupled with other larger life changing events really disabled me from properly coping, or even just repressing, my transgendered feelings. That's when I started going on shopping sprees and spending too much money just on clothes, but nothing I could do could repress the feelings. I finally began to see a therapist, and then go on HRT. 6 months later, all the dyshporia has nearly been eliminated. I know, and when I look back over the years, I've always known, that I am a woman. I've only been doing things to try and repress those feelings, and it's only made things worse.

Back to how you're feeling. All I can say is search your heart, sweetie. See a therapist. If you're considering the possibility of HRT, remember that the effects are reversible after a few months.

I hope you hang in there, sweetie. There are so many others on this forum who struggle with nearly the exact feelings you and I were and are going through.

God's grace and peace in your life,
Hugs,
Lori Anne

[Nicole]

She now sees me as "both" a man and a woman, and says that my mannerisms have changed to become female. Hoping that my marriage and my desire to remain as "normal" as possible, will stave off the desire to transition.

I am so confused, so lonely, and so frustrated with myself anymore. I am in despair at the thought of the future with none of this, and afraid of my future "allowing" myself to just be myself. I have put all my energy into saving this marriage and now it seems that is an impossiblity. Not only will I lose it but also the main reason I have been holding myself back. Now where will I go from here?

I keep thinking that i will just end up alone in some crummy apartment somewhere, living only while I am locked inside. Never having the courage to face the world as Tammy. How will I get thru my life? How will I face the people that "know" me after I turn the switch in my head to allow myself to explore myself?

Hi Tammy. I can't tell you what you are, but I can sympathize with your feelings of being in a double bind. A marriage is a partnership between two people, not a straitjacket on personal growth. People change. This is a fact of life and no fault of your own. You cannot control how your wife reacts. All you can do is strive to honor the marriage by being supportive and loving and hope she will be able to return it in kind.

I think a lot of the anguish over "who we really are" comes from repressing our true selves. Personally I have never been able to live a life of denial. The truth always wins out in the end. So I think it is best to be honest with yourself at all times, regardless of the cost. Only then will you know what you really need and want.

Don't worry about what is "normal". That is a trap. Give yourself permission to embrace your feelings. Get to know the real you. The rest, as the song goes, is "Que Sera Sera". Just take it one day at a time. :)

[Sharon]

Deciding to move forward to a full-time transition can be a daunting task, and one of the biggest fears for many of us is the thought that we will be, possibly, cutting off all ties to our past and, thus, end up alone. It is true -- relationships at best are forever changed, and, in most cases, are severed as people either can not accept our "new" selves or accept the circumstances in which they find themselves(embarrassment with being seen associating with a TS, etc.)

But, while previous relationships may end, that does not mean new relationships can not be forged and be just as significant, or more so, as those gone. This I have found out for myself, Tammy, and I have a feeling you are the type of person who will do well no matter what you do. Just give yourself a chance to be happy. :happy:

[AmberTG]

All I can tell you is that the more you repress your feelings, the more depressed you will be. There really is no easy way to deal with this issue. First, there is the painful reality that you can no longer hide, then there's the painful repercussions of it, then, finally, there is the joy and peace of mind that comes with self-acceptance. I went through a painful divorce because of it, actually 2 divorces, I didn't realise how much my gender dysphoria effected my first marriage until recently. I still struggle with the things of daily life, don't we all, but I am, on the whole, much happier for it. I finally get to be me without restrictions other than my own.
You will find your way through the battlefield, given time.
I don't envy your position but, rest assured, many of us have "been there, done that" and survived, you will too.
I wish you happiness in your future!

[melissaK]

All I can tell you is that the more you repress your feelings, the more depressed you will be.

My counsellor has explained the same thing to me - and it took me a while to see it is true. I long ago knew I was TS. I have spent my whole llife fighting it and the related depression. Tammy, the fears of transition and fear associated with the greiving over the loss of a marriage are real enough to me, and . . .

Somtimes I think best in musical metaphors so here's a couple that apply to me and mayybe you:

Being married and not transitioning is summed up by the man in black -"Because you're mine, I Walk the Line." Trying desperately to walk the line - to stay in my gender role, my life was one crazy day at a time in an endless twelve step program. Operative word being "crazy."

I used to think I was a passenger on Ozzie Osbournes "Crazy Train*",

"Mental wounds still screaming
Driving me insane
Im going off the rails on a crazy train

I know that things are going wrong for me
You gotta listen to my words
Yeh-h"

I finally realized I'm the engineer on my own "Crazy Train." So, I have to find my own peace, my own way to slow my train down and survive the ride where the rails lead me.

And with that, I've throttled her back and my own crazy train is coming out of the tunnel of denial it's been in, right "Into the Great Wide Open." Your know - Tom Petty, so come on, you can sing it with me . . .

"Into the great wide open,
Under them skies of blue
Out in the great wide open,
A rebel without a clue"

hugs,
'lissa

[Malissa Madison]

I couldn't have said it better, than anyone else here, Your asking for advice and to have someone tell you what you need to do. I dont think anyone here would do that, other than to say the choice is yours alone. weigh the options look at everything from every angle possible then make your decision.
Thats why they have the set proceedures you have to go through before you can progress from one stage to the next.
Offering you hugs and a warm shoulder to cry on when you need it.
Malissa

[Ms. Donna]

Won't someone here make a snap diagnosis of me? Tell me what I am.

Tammy,

Never - not ever - let anyone tell you 'what you are'. Listen to what others have to say - good and bad - and decide for yourself. That said, I think the following is apt at this point:


Even the bravest of us rarely has the courage for what he really knows.

You and I have discussed this at length on many occasions in the past. You know 'what' (who) you are - you have for a while now. I can relate to wanting to remain together with your wife. I have done a fair amount of juggling in this area to make everything work, and it's only because of what I need (and don't need) as well as what my wife needs (and what I am able to do to meet those needs) that I have the balance I do. It has taken a while to reach this point - and it is possible that at some point, my wife may declare, "Enough..." But for now, it works.


It is dreadful to die of thirst in the sea. Do you have to salt your truth so much that it can no longer even - quench thirst?

It's not like you haven't tried Tammy - and I venture that your wife has as well. The hard truth here is that sometimes there isn't a balance to be found and I think that this is what your wife sees. You both know where this is going - it's just that you are still desperately trying seek a balance. I'll hazard that by now, you both know what needs to happen if either of you is to have some degree of happiness in life.


He who fights with monsters should look to it that he himself does not become a monster. And when you gaze long into an abyss the abyss also gazes into you.

Twenty five years you have been fighting, hiding, denying, hoping, wishing... I ask you: how much longer can you sustain this before it consumes you? As much as it pains your wife, I doubt that she wants you to be destroyed by this. And at this point, I fear that this is what is happening.


The great epochs of our life are the occasions when we gain the courage to rebaptize our evil qualities as our best qualities.

I won't (can't) tell you what to do, but I feel you are at crossroads and that you know what needs to happen - you have for a while now. The question is whether you summon the courage to be - or allow the abyss to consume you.


Enough waxing dramatic... :)


Only you can decide what is the right path for you. Whatever you choose, it won't be easy...

...but then, nothing of any of any real value ever comes easily.


You can always PM me if you want to chat or vent or whatever.


Love Ya,
Donna

[GypsyKaren]

Hello to my dear friend Tammy

I'm sorry I'm late on this, I've been out of town again. I think a lot of good things have been said, so I just have a couple of things to say...

Don't look at this as an end to everything if you take it further, because it isn't, it's really a new beginning. I'll tell you right now that it's a tough one for sure, but easy things aren't worth having. You have your entire life ahead of you to live as you seem fit, and staying locked away alone in an apartment would be a choice you don't have to make, go out and live instead.

One other thing, and we've talked about this a few times before. You are Tammy, no diagnosis need, nothing more needed to be said...you take care.

Karen Starlene

[Katrina]

Tammy,
What can I say that hasn't been said already? How about, we're here for you. Seriously, when the weather gets a bit more bearable to be wearing a wig out, you and I should have a girls night out or something...

[Calliope]

Know the spot you're in, dear. Divorce is heavy enough, even in the straight world. Dealing with the TS stuff, dealing with the split stuff - that is a lot. There's probably a whole new world of freedom waiting for on the other side of the bullshit. I read a book, Calling It Quits, and found it encouraging. Best to you.

[Scotty]

If you do end up with a divorce, the best encouragement I can say is that sometimes that single bedroom apartment, up, and away from prying eyes will allow you to be yourself from the time you walk in the door until the time you leave - I really came out to myself in those days.

I've been there, except my D was for other reasons...

It's a h ard time, line your friends up and do things with them - but don't talk about the big D with them should it come to that - you'll find friends will split faster than a flock of pidgeons...

But you'll get to be yourself and figure this out.

I'm still on my own, been looking at the dating world and it's just not going well - seems this stuff in my head is preventing me from being a normal guy.
But at least I can be myself!!!

There's comfort in that, trust me!! It took me YEARS to believe that.

[Sarahgurl371]

Thank you all for your support and the fact that you are here to help. I have been so, I am not sure what the word is to describe it, lately, lost maybe. I don't know. But just knowing that you all are out there and that I am not alone helps alot.

[NovaScotia]

I can only imagine your pain based on my own experiences and emotions, but the advice and support I read in response to you is absolutely amazing. Thanks to all of you that resonded, because your advice helped me as well.

[Scotty]

You are not alone, you will feel that way but hang out here - every little bit of encouragement will help.

Back in my divorce days the internet was not around, we had dial up bulletin boards to dial onto ...and that was OK but there were not TS or TG forums..

[Siobhan Marie]

Thank you all for your support and the fact that you are here to help. I have been so, I am not sure what the word is to describe it, lately, lost maybe. I don't know. But just knowing that you all are out there and that I am not alone helps alot.

Hi Tammy, that's what we're here for hun, to help each other.

If you ever want someone to talk to, you're welcome to email, PM or IM me anytime.

:hugs: Siobhán x