Ex told my daughter but she wants to live with me

[Deborah Jane]

A few weeks ago my ex and my daughter [age15] had a big row and my daughter said she wanted to move in with me. My ex told her i cross dressed and i wouldn,t want her with me, i told her she could live with me.To cut a long story short, my daughter pressed me about my CDing and said she wanted to understand me, she has since come back on the subject, having learned what she could and still wants to live with me. I,ve told her she can move in and that i would not dress when she,s about, the problem is she wants to meet me as Debs and has now told me if i don,t let her she will not move in as she thinks she will be stopping me doing what i wish. The thing is she,s not happy with her mum and i know she would be happy with me. My ex told me she,s quite happy for my daughter to live with me. What do i do for the best? My daughter,s got to come first on this!!

[Sharon]

Your daughter made a simple request and if you want her to live with you, then I think you should comply. At fifteen, she should be old enough to understand it. Heck, she's reaching out towards you!

[DonnaT]

I agree. She wants so meet Deb, so let her. You'll find it much more relaxing when you don't have to worry how someone else sees you, or that they'll catch you dressed, etc.

Not saying she would, since I don't know her, but don't let how you dress influence how you parent.

I do have a daughter, so know that some like to be manipulative when they think they can get away with it.

[BarbaraTalbot]

Very mature of her to realize that if you aren't comfortable being dressed around her and have to suppress, that there will be resentment or perceived resentments.

Keep in mind that although those of us in the closet or even those of us peeking out a bit, we over think the concept of dressing..To me dressing was only intimates, until recently when I discovered hair make-up and skirts..ooo and te shoes and...wait I digress...

What I mean is that to a GG, getting dressed means an alternative to nakedness, not full glam. If you feel your full glam look is too much to show her, or you feel that your look isn't glam enough, you are wrong either way.

Think of your daughter as you would the accepting non-critical encouragement that you get for example here.

Now in practice, there may be a giggle, but whats wrong with a couple of girls, a girl and her loving dad, having a giggle together.

[Deborah Jane]

I am going to let her live with me anyway, i,m just not comfortable enough yet as Debs to let her see me, but i can see the potential for a girly giggle with her. Also she,s pretty laid back about CDing.

[Sally24]

You might start with pictures of Debs and work your way up to being in person.

[Deidra Cowen]

It sounds like you have a great daughter sweetie! I am very happy you are going to get her fulltime...just do whats comfortable with your CDing around her.

[Toyah]

I think its great that your daughter wants to live with you do your bet for yourself and for her :hugs:

[Deborah Jane]

You might start with pictures of Debs and work your way up to being in person.

She,s seen a picture when i first addmitted it to her, thats when she said it didn,t bother her. now she wants to meet Debs:o

[janelle]

She wants to me Deb, let her & than if she has trouble with it you two could set up some guide lines so you both would be happy. That my :2c:worth but let me say I would trade with you as fast as i could if it was my daughter. Good luck dear.
:hugs::hugs:,
Janelle

[Claudia Zylindrias]

Thats fantastic, i ahve that relationship with 2 of my 3 daugthers, the only drawback is that they get me to buy them more girly stuff. By working it into my thoughts for a bit before the mall trip. Sneaky lil things... lol

[~Seana~]

I'd say it sounds really promising, but that said do please tread carefully. You dont want stories going back to your ex which is inevitable, especially if her telling your daughter was an attampt to be vindictive, I'd be extremely careful the ex knows as little as is humanly possible Also keep in mind you cant really be certain about her maturity level, and absolutely stay away froma nything sexual, the last thing you need is childrens services nosing around asking questions because in all things your daughter is your daughter. Get to know the laws in your area regarding child issues before you even think about it. And I'd downplay it, simply stating it makes me feel comfortable and whole, she doesnt need all the details.

Amanda

[Deborah Jane]

I'd say it sounds really promising, but that said do please tread carefully. You dont want stories going back to your ex which is inevitable, especially if her telling your daughter was an attampt to be vindictive, I'd be extremely careful the ex knows as little as is humanly possible Also keep in mind you cant really be certain about her maturity level, and absolutely stay away froma nything sexual, the last thing you need is childrens services nosing around asking questions because in all things your daughter is your daughter. Get to know the laws in your area regarding child issues before you even think about it. And I'd downplay it, simply stating it makes me feel comfortable and whole, she doesnt need all the details.

Amanda

Absolutly nothing to worry about, my daughter means the world to me and my ex knows she,s completely safe with me or she wouldn,t have agreed!

[Holly]

Deborah, pick out something that you are comfortable wearing greet your daughter! Your ex is comfortable with it. Your daughter is comfortable with it. You're that last holdout. It is very mature of your daughter to be aware and concerned about your welfare in the living arrangements. You have obviously done an exemplary job in raising her. You must be very proud of her.

[paulaN]

tell your daughter that you are the one that is not comfortable. and the meeting may take some time on your part, but you will try to make it happen asap.

[Veronica 1]

tell your daughter that you are the one that is not comfortable. and the meeting may take some time on your part, but you will try to make it happen asap.

I totally agree, Talk to her and let her know that it will happen soon, but just not now. If she objects and wants to rush you, promise her that if she waits until you are comfy with it, she gets to put on your makeup. :D

[Kieron Andrew]

if she has already seen pics and is raring to meet debs, technically shes already seen her if shes seen the pics, why are you so hesitant? obviously shes ok with it, and so is her mother thats all that should matter.....seems she wants a relationship with her as well as him :) id jump at it

[Sarah Rabbit]

It's not like you are forcing the issue on her. She is insisting herself. She sounds like she knows what she is asking for. I would, however, show her some photographs of 'Debs' so as to break the ice for both of you:happy:

Good luck

Sarah R. :bunny:

[sissystephanie]

Deborah, pick out something that you are comfortable wearing greet your daughter! Your ex is comfortable with it. Your daughter is comfortable with it. You're that last holdout. It is very mature of your daughter to be aware and concerned about your welfare in the living arrangements. You have obviously done an exemplary job in raising her. You must be very proud of her.

Excellent advice as usual, Holly! My daughter is much older, but I wish she would be like yours.

Sissy

More Girl than man sometimes

[Darlene-VA]

Sounds like you girls are going to get along just fine

[TxKimberly]

. . . and the first is unkind (regarding your ex). The thought of a mother saying in any way shape or form that she doesn't mind the thought of her child NOT living with her gives me the creeps. I tend to think that any parent that is willing to casualy give their child up shouldn't have them.
Next thought - your daughter has gone through a lot of effort to try and understand YOU and YOUR motives - now it's time for you to do the same about her aand her motives. Talk to her - find out why she wants to live with you. What does she not like about being with mom. What does she think will change if she lives with you? Is she certain this is what she wants or is she acting rashly out of anger at her Mom, perhaps even sort of using you as a way to strike at Mom.
As Mom seems so willing to release her, it really come down to the two of you (father and daughter). Do you want to live together or not?



A few weeks ago my ex and my daughter [age15] had a big row and my daughter said she wanted to move in with me. My ex told her i cross dressed and i wouldn,t want her with me, i told her she could live with me.To cut a long story short, my daughter pressed me about my CDing and said she wanted to understand me, she has since come back on the subject, having learned what she could and still wants to live with me. I,ve told her she can move in and that i would not dress when she,s about, the problem is she wants to meet me as Debs and has now told me if i don,t let her she will not move in as she thinks she will be stopping me doing what i wish. The thing is she,s not happy with her mum and i know she would be happy with me. My ex told me she,s quite happy for my daughter to live with me. What do i do for the best? My daughter,s got to come first on this!!

[Angie G]

Let her move in with you At 15 she will undrestand and it don't seem to bother her and it sound like she will be happy with you :hugs:
Angie

[Deborah Jane]

Thanks everyone for the advice and support! My daughter is going to move in with me for a month and see how it goes .[We agreed between me , her and my ex] The main reason my daughter wants to live with me and not her mum is we,ve always been just a bit closer than she is with her mum. My ex loves her dearly, but has said if it makes her happier living with me then she would rather that, than have her upset and moody all the time! As for meeting Debs, we shall see how it goes! [I,m sure she will get her own way, she normally does]!

[Marcie Sexton]

Meet your daughter as she requests, yoou'd be surprised how grown up teenagers are this day and time...

[KandisTX]

Deborah,

As a father who recently came out to his own daughter (12 years old), and has had the same question asked of him. I can say the reason they ask to meet her is that they are trying to understand for themselves. My daughter is always asking me questions, and I am more than happy to answer her. An educated mind is an open mind. I want her to know that it is okay for people to be different.

In her asking to meet Deb, this is another way for her to accept and understand who you are. It may also be another way to strengthen the bond between you as Father and daughter. It is not easy to come out of that room for the first time when dressed so that she can meet her, but once you have done so, you will notice a differance in the communications you have with her.

Best of luck to you hon.

Kandis:love:

[Sweetasapeach]

My thoughts are slightly different then the ones above. I won custody of my kids when they were very young. I gave up some very enjoyable things in order to provide the best envirorment for my kids. You have to decide what that environment is. When they turned teens they continued to live with me, regecting their mother and her ways.

You have to decide what is best for your daughter but one thing has to stand above all. It is your house not your daughters or her mothers. I still have an occasional incident with one of my kids when he visits becasue he somehow thinks it is his house and I have to remind him it is not and we go by my rules. I also sometimes have to remind him I will do what I please in my house. In case your wondering he is well over 18 and I love him to death.

As far a mom goes sounds like my ex. you have to be very careful you don't provide her amunition to keep your daughter from you. In Texas at 15 one could lose not only custody but visitation over a false accusation. I went through several of those, including allegations of molestation of my kids. Obviously false or I would not have won custody.

Good luck.

[jennig]

HI a about 5 years ago when my daughter was 15 also the same thing happend. she also had questions and also said she did not want to see jenni.so for five years I have tiptoesd around not c/d to its full glory I have keept shaved and keep my hair and nails longer but not full out dressing. this might have been good you my child but as you know we have needs to. with that i wish I could have sat her down and tried to explain this thing to her but at the time all I thought of was her. ps If your daughter dose come to live with you full time make sure you get this In writing and If you are paying child support now let the proper agency know. trust me on that one!!!!!

love jennig

[Deborah Jane]

Hi, in answer to some of the questions this has thrown up. When my ex first discovered my CDing she couldn,t accept it, but since we split up she has been to some therapy sessions with me and now has an understanding of it. We both now lead seperate lives but have become great friends,probably more than when we were married. We both love our children dearly and will do what we and they agree is best for them. The anymosity between us when we first split up is no longer there and both of us tend to help each other out whenever we can, we just don,t want to live together anymore!!

[Patricia Danielle]

Yes I say go for the gusto! It sounds like she's really open minded and mature and she wants to deepen the bond between you and her so don't let the chance pass you by.. Patricia..

[trannie T]

Sounds wonderful! Let us know when father and daughter exchange makeup tips.

[TxKimberly]

I see some posts that do not make it clear to me if the person posting thinks ou should or should not moderate your lifestyle for your daughter. My opinion - someone wouldn't be much of a parent or a decent human being if you weren't willing to make concessions in order to accomidate having your daughter live with you. (Not that you implied you weren't - don't take it that way)
My children are the most precious parts of my life - there is nothing I can think of that I wouldn't do or try to keep them in it. When that little critter wraps her arms around your neck, hugs you so tight your eyes buldge, and says "I love you pappa", the fact that you gave up the chance to wear a dress around the house from time to time is going to be the farthest thing from your mind.

[stephanie100]

First your doughter knows about accepts your fem side and want to meet you as your femail self
you I would say are perhaps more nervios about it and scared perhaps.
The same feeling as going out for the first time only stronger.

I would say to do as she asks and then work out boundries she want to meet Debs and is also worried she may prevent you being yourself by movibg in. let her meet deb things may devolope so as sometime in the future two girls go shopping together only hope she dont call you Dad in a crowded store good luck.

[Dixie Darling]

Sharon,

There is a hidden advantage to your daughter moving in with you that I haven't seen mentioned here. You have an opportunity to influence her as to how a true LADY should present herself in the way she dresses as well as the way she acts. This isn't to say that her mother isn't having the same positive influences upon her, but you have a very unique opportunity here to help mold her into the woman she soon will be.

Dixie -- http://www.geocities.com/senorita_cd

[Jennaie]

This is too simple. Just invite her to dinner and you be dressed. Let her know that you want her to see you dressed and that you will be dressed, be yourself. I honestly believe that before she leaves, she will tell you that she likes you even more when your dressed and would love to live with you and has no problem with your dressing whenever you care to.

[Kendra Irene]

This is too simple. Just invite her to dinner and you be dressed. Let her know that you want her to see you dressed and that you will be dressed, be yourself. I honestly believe that before she leaves, she will tell you that she likes you even more when your dressed and would love to live with you and has no problem with your dressing whenever you care to.

I agree. Just may want to let her get used to you as "Aunty Deb", that way, if you meet anyone she knows, she introduce you as such. May make her feel more comfortable.

Kendra

[Deborah Jane]

I agree. Just may want to let her get used to you as "Aunty Deb", that way, if you meet anyone she knows, she introduce you as such. May make her feel more comfortable.

Kendra

Thanks! I like that, i,ll suggest it when she moves in!! [Next weekend].

[Alice B]

Let her move in as soon as possible and be yourself. You want what is best for her as the primary thought. She has looked into the subject and accepted it. You will not only get to be with your daughter, but may establish a very close friendship as well. But, remember you are the father, so don't forget your responsibility to guide her when necessary. No matter how strong the dicipline has to be. Good luck.:hugs:

[Lauren Richards]

Update? How is it going in real life after all the advice and ideas were offered and considered, now that your daughter has been with you for a while?

[Deborah Jane]

Sorry!! I forgot to update this thread. Well my daughter has been living with me now for 3 weeks!! Everything is going very well [i thought it would] and she eventually met Debs a week later. She really likes this side of me and wants me to dress more often, she has already started pushing me towards going out as Debs!! [I,m just not confident about the idea yet]. At the moment we,ve had a few girly nights watching television and gossiping..:heehee:, so all said, its going well!! Thanks for your support everyone, without you i may not have done this!!:love::hugs: Debs

[Sheri 4242]

All of my children are adults. One of my daughters knows Sheri very well. One Halloween (when this daughter was about 20) she was over and I was, of course, dressed as Sheri. After the "trick or treating" had stopped, my wife said we ought to go get a burger somewhere. So I said I'd go change -- at which point this daughter said something to the effect of "Why? I know you do this all the time and I think it is a-ok, and I think it is way cool." So, we went to eat with me en femme.

Since that time, this daughter has bought Sheri an extra present on my birthdays -- which I open privatly with the "Sheri presents" my wife gives me.

In your case, the key thing - and my advice would be -- to make certain your daughter understands there will be times as she gets a bit older that you may have arguments and/or disagreements -- but that you are still family, and this is not something to share with anybody you don't want it shared with. She might also be tempted to share it with a boyfriend someday, and, given that you two communicate so well, you might tell her (if this is how you feel) to not tell a boyfriend until she has cleared it with you.

All-in-all, it sounds as if you have a very loving and mature young lady in your daughter.
I know you want to tread slowly, but there really is no reason to anymore: she knows and accepts you totally from the sounds of things!!! Go ahead and dress freely -- I have done so and it has never been a problem!!! (((Ha -- you never know what things will happen. This daughter of mine doesn't dress very girly -- she's very tomboyish. When a relative died, she had NO dresses!!! So, to the viewing and funeral, she wore two of Sheri's dresses -- and a pair of my dressy shoes, and used one of my slips. (Obviously we are the same size.) )))


The thought of a mother saying in any way shape or form that she doesn't mind the thought of her child NOT living with her gives me the creeps.

Wow does that resonate with me, Kim!!! My first wife thought that if she tarnished my image enough, all of our friends would understand her adulterous ways AND accept her as the good guy in divorcing me.

She lost all of her friends, though!!!

First and mainly: when they found out she had said to me, "you can have the house, you can have the kids, I'm leaving," well that did it right there. She couldn't deny it -- her attorney had put it into writing in a first draft of a settlement agreement.

She lost many a friend, too, b/c they didn't approve of the adultery. As one of her very best former gf's said to her, if you wanted to leave and divorce him, then get romantic with two dozen people, that would have been one thing. But, nothing justifies your adultery and nothing justifies your virtual abandonment of your children. Just what kind of mother are you?!!

[Sally-Ann]

I see no issue here - unless you feel that it's wrong for Debs to meet your daughter? It looks to me as if you should be proud of your daughter - she shows great maturity in listening to you, finding out what she can, then making a choice.

She also shows empathy in respecting your desire to be Debs.

For what it's worth, I'd say let her move in with you, and see what happens.

:hugs:

[Megan72]

I am really sorry that I missed the bulk of this thread. Deborah, I work in Social Services with Juveniles and I can see a different angle on this whole situation. I do beleive that you need to be open and upfront with your daughter, but realize that this might first blow up in your face. Girls gossip, it is likely that her friends and their families will find out. Just be aware that this will come up sometime int he future at a PTA meeting or something. Second, The first post sounded to me like your daughter was triangulating you and your ex to some degree. Daughter and mom get in fight and daughter wants to live with dad. Please be careful about this as kids have this habit, it is natural.

as far as your update, I think it is great that you and she can bond effectively while you are en-fem, but remember that all kids need both strong female and male models in their lives. I am sure she loves you as dad and as aunt Deb, but she does have a mother and hopefully she is not trying to replace that.

I wish you both the best of luck and hope things work out.

[Deborah Jane]

I am really sorry that I missed the bulk of this thread. Deborah, I work in Social Services with Juveniles and I can see a different angle on this whole situation. I do beleive that you need to be open and upfront with your daughter, but realize that this might first blow up in your face. Girls gossip, it is likely that her friends and their families will find out. Just be aware that this will come up sometime int he future at a PTA meeting or something. Second, The first post sounded to me like your daughter was triangulating you and your ex to some degree. Daughter and mom get in fight and daughter wants to live with dad. Please be careful about this as kids have this habit, it is natural.

as far as your update, I think it is great that you and she can bond effectively while you are en-fem, but remember that all kids need both strong female and male models in their lives. I am sure she loves you as dad and as aunt Deb, but she does have a mother and hopefully she is not trying to replace that.

I wish you both the best of luck and hope things work out.

Thanks for your concern Kelliann!! Just to reassure you and any others concerned, my ex and myself have set some ground rules on this situation--1 Mum is mum and Dad is is dad, and shall be treated and respected as such--2 Aunty Debs is just a family thing and is not to be mentioned out side of the family group without clearing it with both mum and dad first--3 Any problems with things can discussed until she is happy with the situation [i.e, if she wanted me to give up Debs, we would work towards a satisfactory situation where she never needed to see it [unlikely at present, as she really loves Debs]. There are other things, but they don,t need to be mentioned here as they don,t concern the Debs situation!! BTW!! All our children have been brought up with a very tolerant and understanding outlook on life as we believe in "Live and let live" and everyone has the right to live as they wish!! Within the law obviouslly!!

[Di]

Sorry!! I forgot to update this thread. Well my daughter has been living with me now for 3 weeks!! Everything is going very well [i thought it would] and she eventually met Debs a week later. She really likes this side of me and wants me to dress more often, she has already started pushing me towards going out as Debs!! [I,m just not confident about the idea yet]. At the moment we,ve had a few girly nights watching television and gossiping..:heehee:, so all said, its going well!! Thanks for your support everyone, without you i may not have done this!!:love::hugs: Debs

Wonderful....glad it is going well, I think you handled every thing just right. Best Wishes:hugs: