So I was told to just jump right in...

[Syr_SwitchyGQ]

So I'm just jumping in. I have some questions that no one I personally know has any clue how to help me on... so... maybe some advice from people who've been at this longer?

1) How do I get people to believe me/realize that it's probably not "just a phase"?

A little background... I'm eighteen (yeah, I know, I'm just barely old enough to be here :-/) and have been openly lesbian since I was fifteen. Everyone I
know is either ok with this or doesn't have a lot to say about it. Orientation is not the issue. The tricky thing is, because I was out so young, I felt I needed to prove to the world that I hadn't changed at all and so I became the quintessential femme at my high school. The only problem was that this year I changed - a lot. I don't want to be femme anymore, but I'm pretty sure I'd get laughed out of the room if I told any of my butch friends that I crossdress. I did tell my girlfriend, but since she's been butch/trans forever she didn't really understand the switch. It was like I pulled the rug out from underneath her. (We are no longer dating, but that had more to do with me leaving for college and her being stuck two hours away in high school). So... my non-trans/gay friends wouldn't get it, and my trans/LGB friends wouldn't believe me (as evidenced by the ones I told). One person does understand/believe me, but it's still hard to talk about since I do still enjoy being femme occasionally and doesn't help my credibility.

2) How do I even begin to tell my parents? They're ok with me being lesbian - very accepting, actually - but one of the first things they told me is that I shouldn't "look like one of those bull dykes." They were all about helping me break stereotypes... which is all well and good except that it's not me. Part of me doesn't even want to because every time I bring up the issue of transgenderism (usually in reference to my group) they ask the same sorts of "what is it" kind of questions and I end up having to put them through transgender 101 all over again... so I would have a lot of explaining to do that I just don't feel like doing.

3) How do you know how far to take it? I'm still struggling with that one because I love dressing like a boy, but I feel unattractive and misunderstood as soon as I step outside. When I dress like a girl, I feel like I'm putting on a costume, but it's one that I know will get me a lot of positive attention since (apparently) I make an attractive femme. I almost feel like I'm trading love for freedom and/or truth.

Help?

Thanks in advance!

~RJ

[brylram]

Most of the time I've found that time and actions have done a better job of proving to people than words ever have. When I came out as trans to my friends, they all thought I was just trying to get attention, and none of them respected me on the matter in the least. I ended up giving up my friendships with them, and making an entire knew group of friends. Now that it's been over a year since I last talked to them, and I just keep looking more and more male, many of them have been messaging me on nexopia and trying to get back into contact with me. Because now they see that I was serious, and also that I am happier, and more comfortable/natural than I was when I allowed people to mistake me for a girl. They also used to say that I was attractive as a female and should stay that way, but now that I've adjusted to actually being able to have a male appearance, they say I'm far more attractive than I was as a female after all.

When I told my parents, I wrote them a letter explaining how I felt, what I had been thinking lately, how I came to the decision that I was in fact trans, and what that would mean.... as well as making it clear that I cared about them both, and knew that no matter how hard it would be, that I knew we all loved each other enough to get through it ok in the end. I then gave them each a copy, and let them sit and read it, and come to me when they felt ready. Having a written copy of things might keep them from having to pester you for an explenation all the time. Also, my mother told me after she had some time to process it, that the reason she had trouble accepting it initially is that she grew up with feminism, and couldn't help having a knee-jerk reaction to what she percieved as a rejection of femininity, and extreme disrespect or even hatred for females. So your parents might have concerns along those lines, especially if they've been encouraging/supporting breaking stereotypes.

Take it as far as you feel comfortable, settle there for a bit, and if you feel ready and want to then push your boundaries a little farther. That could make things easier, but may admittedly take longer. Alternatively you could just go headlong into it as I did, but be prepared to step on some toes and be less than reachable at times if you take that approach.

PS - I'm 18 too, so don't worry about that. *grin*

[ZenFrost]

1) How do I get people to believe me/realize that it's probably not "just a phase"?

This, I am afraid, takes time. What makes a phase a phase is that it only lasts a fairly short amount of time. What will really convince people that it isn't one is as Logan said, let time do the talking.



2) How do I even begin to tell my parents?

Wait until you're ready. If you don't feel comfortable at this time that's okay. And if you want to wait until you feel you've got a better grasp on your gender identity, that's totally okay too. Don't feel pressured into coming out if your not ready. I know that it can be hard to keep secrets, but sometimes it can be for the better to wait until you know more about yourself before you try to explain it to other people such as you parents.



3) How do you know how far to take it?

Only so far as I'm comfortable. My suggestion would be to start small and add things gradually. And do a whole lot of experimenting to find your comfort level. You can also try combinations of male and female clothes. You could wear a binder and boxers under a dress and see how that feels, or wear men's pants and a woman's shirt to see if your happy in the middle. There's also a huge range of very androgynous clothing you could wear that is neither male nor female.

Also, I joined this site when I was 18 as well, and there's nothing wrong with being young. :happy:

[Syr_SwitchyGQ]

Hey guys, thanks for the great advice! Oh, and thanks for taking me seriously... on pretty much every other forum I've ever been on, I got snubbed for being a teenager and so yeah.... once bitten twice shy? I guess? One more question I didn't even think about until she called me today... how do I explain to my (hetero) female roommate what I'm doing? She knows I'm lesbian and is okay with that, but she also has had lesbian friends before and will know that this goes a little bit beyond just butch. :-/

[ZenFrost]

Hey guys, thanks for the great advice! Oh, and thanks for taking me seriously... on pretty much every other forum I've ever been on, I got snubbed for being a teenager and so yeah.... once bitten twice shy? I guess? One more question I didn't even think about until she called me today... how do I explain to my (hetero) female roommate what I'm doing? She knows I'm lesbian and is okay with that, but she also has had lesbian friends before and will know that this goes a little bit beyond just butch. :-/

You could tell her that you're experimenting and just leave it at that. Or if you feel close to her you could tell her about your gender issues and see if she's open to talking with you about it. If you want to see how she would react if you did tell her, you could use a hypothetical situation and bring it up casually. For instance, you could ask her "What would you do if you suddenly woke up one day in the body of a man?" and see what she says. You could use her reaction to that to gauge how she might react to you.

[trannie T]

Reading your post made me glad that I'm not a teenager. You appear to be a normal teenager, although transgendered. I will not give you any specific advice on your situation but remember, life gets better. You seem to be intellegent and have some good insights, you'll b e ok.

[caderemington]

YAYYYYYY you made it Gutherie!!!!!! I told you these people were great.... :kiss: Have you told them about our project yet???

[bi_weird]

Crap, what were the questions? *Goes up and reads them*
Ah yes. I don't have much to say on the first two, but I can take a stab at the third. Like some of the other guys have said, just explore it all before you decide where on the gender spectrum you lie. You've taken a big step by admitting that you've got gender issues, now take your time and figure out just what that means for you. It's different for everyone, and also seems to change. Some of the guys on here are fully transitioning to men, with hormones and surgery and all that. I'm pretty much as far from that as you can get, living as a female all the time, albeit a competative boyish one who often wears guys clothes. I've been at it for over a year, which is a lot less than many of the guys, and I still don't know if I've found my place or merely am stopping here for a rest. There's definitely no one way to be trans, and it's fine to take your time in figuring out what way is your way.

[Syr_SwitchyGQ]

YAYYYYYY you made it Gutherie!!!!!! I told you these people were great.... :kiss: Have you told them about our project yet???

Damn straight I told 'em! :D

By the way... I told my roommate about my, erm... issues and she's totally cool with it. Her only thing was that she gets to ask questions b/c she doesn't really know anything about it. :happy:

[caderemington]

yayy!!! your roommate sounds awesome!

[DanielMacBride]

Hiya :D
Sorry i'm late to this thread lol.....but great to see you here and it sounds like things are cool with your roommate :)

Daniel