Loss of trust and hiding ourselves.

[DeeInGeorgia]

There have been many threads with discussions about why we CDers hid ourselves from our significant other. The general consensus from CDers and GGs alike I believe is that not hiding is not a good thing, loss of trust among other things.

I really have never had close associations with lesbians or gays in the past, more specifically, I never had any kind of sense to know if someone was gay or not. But recently, I have become involved with the start up of a Pride affinity group at work, and what I have discovered is that one friend I have known for the past 5 years is a lesbian and I have met two other lesbians. What I found out is that these two lesbians were both previously married and had children.

So what has come to mind for me is that hiding our CDing ways from our SO is not that unique, that it does occur on the GG side as well. We also have gay men that do the same things. I think for many of us, we feel different and we believe that there is something that when a specific action occurs we will be normal, just like everyone else. We just hope that if something A occurs or or Something B happens, we will become normal, so we enter into a relationship with the belief we will become normal. We are no different from any other person that feels different in some way.

My guess is that those that come to grips with their differences early save themselves from having to hide a part of themselves from a future SO.

The final part is after we realize who we are and accept ourselves. If we had come to grips earlier, and been open with our SOs before marriage, etc. many SOs (GG) have said they would have dropped us as a possible mate. With my wife, I know, and she has even told me the same, that she would have dropped me. From my point, if I had not hidden a part of myself, I think I would still be single, or dead. My dating experiences, and throwing in announcing to a prospective girlfriend being a CDer, would have been the end of me. I say that because I was getting pretty depressed years ago being unable to find a mate.

Dee

[Byllie]

It's hard to "come out", to anyone, regarding our true selves. Just imagine a Democrat telling his wife, "Honey, I'm really a Republican!" Marriages have been lost for less. <grin>

Seriously, I feel it's when we don't know ourselves, and enter into relationships, that thinks get sticky. When we do become aware of our true natures, we have to deal with it, in all of its ramifications. Tell the SO? Not tell? These are not easy questions to answers, and it's up to each of us to decide if, when and how.

Then again, to hid something so central from an SO seems, IMHO, a violation of the trust between the two individuals.

[StephanieT]

For me, my CDing was not a a part of my life when I met my wife. Cding did show its self during periods of my life since I was very young. At various times, I expore my wife's acceptance of me dressing without coming out. She has a Victorias Secret baby doll that I absolutely love on her. I suggest that I get one for myself in bed one night. In no uncertain terms she said no way. I am not willing to explore that any further. In other ways she lets me do some fun things. She does not mind that my ears are pierced. She bought me my first pedicure as a guy and she lets me have color on my toe nails. I need to balance my needs with hers and I am not willing to go too far too fast.

[RylieCD]

I was first trying to find myself and thought that it would eventualy go away. And then when the feelings came back, after we were married, I was too ashamed to tell me wife, I wanted too. I thought if I could figure this out and then either it would go away or then, well I dont know. But anyway, She found out the hard way, not recommended. We are still working through the understanding of the gender idendity issues and learning as much as possible. We try to let the newbies on this forum to be upfront with their SO's because they will eventually find out and finding out the hard way is not a good thing because their is that lost of trust.

[StephanieT]

The one thing that scares me to death is my wife finding out the hard way. I have become more bold in my dressing while my wife is away. I am always afraid that I will forget to put something away or I will have tell tale signs of makeup. I know that my desires will never go away but I am too afraid to come out. How to deal with my 2 lives. I am not sure but hopefully I will find an answer slowly as everyone recommends

[angelfire]

Well, I'm single, 21, and have only really had 1 girlfriend, which didn't even last that long. Now, Obviously, I am not that fortunate to have an SO. So, if I found one, I would not want to lose her (if things are going well. I ended my last relationship, but it was kind of mutual. Still on good terms.), because I have a hard enough time finding one as it is. So on one hand, I wouldn't want to tell her, for fear of her not being accepting, and on the other hand, I wouldn't want to make the mistake so many here have before me: Waiting until after marriage and then having the marriage be hurt badly when she eventually finds out.

So I am toying with an Idea in my head. Perhaps if I seek out girls that like crossdressers. I mean, if I can find that ones that are accepting, all the less likely they will break it off if they find out. The problem seems to be, that I have a hard enough time finding any SO, so finding one so specific seems like a feat that is almost impossible.

[JenniferR771]

Feel free to tell Miss Wonderful a few months into the relationship. Nothing unusual about not telling a new date about all your sordid history. Do you ask every new girl about her sexual history? Does your date usually ask if you have any fetishes or unusual habbits? Your history?

Myself I thought i had some unusual preferences and habbits--but I didn't consider myself a crossdresser until about 15 years into the marriage.

Don't give up--your princess will come!

[melissacd]

For me not being up front at the beginning was a choice that I made because at that point in my life, 25 years ago, I thought that I could give up cross dressing for love. I was wrong and 10 years ago I resumed my dressing in hiding, she found out, we had a decade of pain and now are in the process of separation. I know now that this is something you have to tell up front. It is the right thing to do. It was just a very hard way to learn this lesson. The positive side of all of this is that I now accept and embrace my femme side.

[BarbaraTalbot]

I had a friend who suddenly could reach his girlfriend for quite sometime, a week or so into it, he did get the idea. He (and I) were socially awkward, not stupid. When finally confronted (confronted was not really the right word. My friend was more of a nerd even than I and really wanted to learn from the experiance.) In the rather scientific discussion that ensued when she, surprised found he wasn't bitter, explained her dissaperance thusly: She had at some point decided that her initial attraction was not as strong as she had thought. At some point she decided to let him down, but didn't quite know where to start. SHe bought time she thought, then a day stretched to days, then weeks, and she said its like when you haven't returned a library book in so long you are embarrassed to turn it in.

Many crossdressers have "put it behind them" many times. Many are filled with doubts about themselves and what the dressing means, where it will lead...Many have spent a lifetime hiding and supressing. I took years of seeminly isolated incidents that I never strung together in my mind filled with denial and other protective mechanisms. I would never have thought of myself as a crossdresser or really been comfortable with inventing a lable for this dressing behaviors.

When I had my epiphany, I knew I wanted to share it with my wife, but couldn't get there from here. It is a lot tougher than it sounds from the outside. I had every indiction that my wife might well not only accept but enjoy my feminine expressions, and still, I could not just say. Oh, by the way, I just realized that many secret chame filled moments in my life add up to my being a crossdresser. I wonder if expressing myself openly with you will make other things in our lives make sense.

This despite some disclosures I did make at the time we were married being of a much more risky to disclose nature. This wouldn't even have been a blip on the screen then, if only I had known my own mind.

[camera_laura]

... or otherwise inappropriate....

But I just wanted to say to anglefire that I liked your signature.

However, if I were to apply it to myself, I'm more of a "sheep in wolf's clothing?"

:D

OK, now ON-TOPIC.

D-I-G:
You pose an excellent question.

Byllie:
You make excellent points. Yes for the CD-er, it *is* hard to come out. I like your political analogy. Marriages (mine included) have been lost for less. But, just because two people have opposite ideologies in one area, doesn't dictate that they are polar-opposites in *all* areas. My advice (in retrospect) is to work on the positive and it will eradicate the negatives.

StephanieT;
CD-ing is not "part of my life" it is a part of me. My life is what I make it. It is my belief that who we are is a genetic thing (As the parent of two adopted children that entered my home at a very early age, I can attest to the fact that personality and who we are is a product of nature not nurture. Neither of my kids, a boy and a girl, are *anything* like me or my ex)

But I can appreciate the fact that your SO (whom you love and I envy that in a way) is not totally accepting. I find it admirable and commendable that you have the intelligence, compassion, and foresight to see that you need to "balance my needs with hers". You my friend, are destined for a happy relationship. That is of course if she's shares your insight. If both of you are willing (and can) see/meet each others desires/expectations, you will be happier than most. :thumbsup:

RylieCD:
I think you have it right. Find *yourself* first. It is only then that you will be poised to find someone that not only compliments your happiness, but you may then genuinely make them happy as well. There was a time that I believed that the only way that a relationship (i.e. marriage) could be successful was if each party was willing to devote their energy into pleasing the other. The end result was that *both* would be getting what they wanted. Unfortunately, I found out the hard way that it doesn't quite work out that way. No, I am not bitter. My ex and I are still quite good friends and we both respect each other much more than most people (let alone exes). What I would advise is just a bit of selfishness. My current theory (which so far has been holding up to 'field testing') is that if everyone pursues their own goals (and this it the *important* part) *WITHOUT* trampling over the other guy (oh, excuse me, GIRL), everyone benefits. If you disagree, read up on John Nash and his theories on collective bargaining.
I suspect that *I* might get the Nobel prize if I could apply that to human relationships. :roflmao:

Jennifer:
I agree w/your advice to the young. Take your time (but not too much) before telling your SO. Just because you have a SO does not mean that is who you are destined to be. Dating and relationships are a 'trial period' at best. After-all, you (the CD-er) aren't the only person in the pair trying to find someone who matches your needs/goals. Just don't wait *too* long or hide it and think you can suppress it. I believe that I speak for many here in that whoever does that will end up disappointed (at best)

Melissacd:
Sorry to hear about your pain, but thank you for sharing it. But I am happy to hear that you have made the decision to embrace yourself. It gives *me* the courage/strength to embrace *myself* :yrtw:

Holey cow! I can't believe that I had diarrhea of the mouth!

I'll get off my :sb: