Can I give away my clothes here?

[NicoleY]

I've been a long time lurker on this forum. Though I was never registered, I appreciated all the comments and support you've all indirectly provided.

Nicole, this 15-year of closeted CDer is now done at 27 years of age. Just last night, I was caught by my wife and through extensive discussion as two mature adults, we came to a conclusion in the discussion that my stopping CDing would be the optimistic path for both of us.

There was a thread in the other section that asked what kind of CDer am I? For me, CDing has not been an integral part of my life. I identify myself as a straight male, very attracted to women (well, mostly my wife), and like my guy life. CDing has always been a little something extra on top.

For those 15 years, I've managed to keep it a secret. My wife and I have dated for 4, engaged for 1, and married for 2: total of 7 years of relationship. Not once, has she noticed my CDing.

As others have stated, through discussion, we found that it was really the secrecy, the hiding, and the lies that were hurting her, though I never meant to hurt her that way.

We've talked all night last night and a few hours this evening. And we've explored all possibilities and scenarios. Our decision to put an end to my CDing seemed to make sense for the both of us.



Anyway, I will be disposing my clothes. I was originally going to give them to Goodwill, but I would rather donate them to another CDer who could make use of them. These clothes are meant to be worn: and I want to help other CDers. They are completely free. I will not ask for money. I'm in Southern California (East Long Beach, near CSULB), so if you'd like to come by, I'd be happy to give them to you.

Mostly, the sizes range from Medium to Large. I have a lot of jeans, lots of tops, a couple of dresses, tank tops, shirts, etc etc etc.... knee-high boots, 6-inch heel strappy sandals, and other shoes. Unfortunately, I don't have pictures of them as this was decided just this evening. Overall, collectively, I think there has to be over 60 pieces of clothing (probably more than that).

I am going to put them all in boxes. I would appreciate it if someone could come by and pick them up?




Also, if this is not permitted to do here, I will gladly donate them to Goodwill. Thanks for everything, ladies. I love you all.

-Nicole.

[CarrieAnneEvers]

I have had the same situation in the past, and I would advise you not to get rid of your girly stuff permanently. I'm sure one of us would be willing to store your stuff for you until you are ready to use it again.

There will probably come a day when you can no longer surpress the urge to let your femininity out and you will be forced to buy the stuff all over again and dress in secret. It's a vicious and expensive cycle.

You can stop cross dressing, but you can never stop being a cross dresser. Nor should you want to. ;)

[NicoleY]

Thanks for the quick reply, CarrieAnne. Unfortunately, it seems that it will have to be a permanent move. This is what my wife and I agreed upon and I am going to carry it out. If given a choice between maintaining my marriage with this wonderful woman and CDing, I would choose my wife in a heartbeat without hesitation: and I am doing exactly that.

You are right: perhaps in time the urge to dress again may resurface. But I know that I will have the motivation and the will power to resist it.

It seems unfortunate, I know. However, I think life and relationships are making adjustments, making sacrifices, and melding into each other. This is a process that I am willing to make.

Thank you again for your kind words.

[Holly]

Let me see if I understand... you've been a lurker here for some time. You got caught by your wife and agreed to stop CDing (mutually), then you registered here just today for the sole reason of giving away your clothes. Does that sum it up? Forgive me, please. but I'm a bit, shall we say, "cautious." If the decision has been made, then pack the stuff up and get it out of there NOW.

[Kieron Andrew]

im sorry i agree with Holly, you havent even done an introduction and you are asking about giving your clothes away! I too am cautious, you are agreeing to purge, and we all know at best CDing isnt something chosen, its a way of life that stays forever, purging never works, you have been made to give up in my eyes, i can not see anything mutual about this

[PortiaHoney]

Thanks for the quick reply, CarrieAnne. Unfortunately, it seems that it will have to be a permanent move. This is what my wife and I agreed upon and I am going to carry it out. If given a choice between maintaining my marriage with this wonderful woman and CDing, I would choose my wife in a heartbeat without hesitation: and I am doing exactly that.

You are right: perhaps in time the urge to dress again may resurface. But I know that I will have the motivation and the will power to resist it.

It seems unfortunate, I know. However, I think life and relationships are making adjustments, making sacrifices, and melding into each other. This is a process that I am willing to make.

Thank you again for your kind words.

Been there, done that, ended up being one very miserable human being.

We each make our own choices, if we are lucky, they are the right ones.

Good Luck

[SirTrey]

I've been a long time lurker on this forum. Though I was never registered, I appreciated all the comments and support you've all indirectly provided.

Nicole, this 15-year of closeted CDer is now done at 27 years of age. Just last night, I was caught by my wife and through extensive discussion as two mature adults, we came to a conclusion in the discussion that my stopping CDing would be the optimistic path for both of us.

There was a thread in the other section that asked what kind of CDer am I? For me, CDing has not been an integral part of my life. I identify myself as a straight male, very attracted to women (well, mostly my wife), and like my guy life. CDing has always been a little something extra on top.

For those 15 years, I've managed to keep it a secret. My wife and I have dated for 4, engaged for 1, and married for 2: total of 7 years of relationship. Not once, has she noticed my CDing.

As others have stated, through discussion, we found that it was really the secrecy, the hiding, and the lies that were hurting her, though I never meant to hurt her that way.

We've talked all night last night and a few hours this evening. And we've explored all possibilities and scenarios. Our decision to put an end to my CDing seemed to make sense for the both of us.



Anyway, I will be disposing my clothes. I was originally going to give them to Goodwill, but I would rather donate them to another CDer who could make use of them. These clothes are meant to be worn: and I want to help other CDers. They are completely free. I will not ask for money. I'm in Southern California (East Long Beach, near CSULB), so if you'd like to come by, I'd be happy to give them to you.

Mostly, the sizes range from Medium to Large. I have a lot of jeans, lots of tops, a couple of dresses, tank tops, shirts, etc etc etc.... knee-high boots, 6-inch heel strappy sandals, and other shoes. Unfortunately, I don't have pictures of them as this was decided just this evening. Overall, collectively, I think there has to be over 60 pieces of clothing (probably more than that).

I am going to put them all in boxes. I would appreciate it if someone could come by and pick them up?




Also, if this is not permitted to do here, I will gladly donate them to Goodwill. Thanks for everything, ladies. I love you all.

-Nicole.

You can change a lot of things in your life, but the one thing that you CANNOT change is who you are...And no matter how strong your will to change THAT is, you will always default back to being you....We all make sacrifices for people that we love, do things to make relationships work....but some things are just not changeable...I detect a lot of sadness in your email, and I understand it....Please don't think I'm judging you for wanting to do whatever it takes to save your marriage...I'm just saying that maybe thinking that you can change who you are at root is a bit unrealistic, and can only lead to heartbreak down the road...I hate to see that happen to you....or to anyone....I wish you luck, I really do....But, if you find down the road that you cannot help but be who you are, don't hate or judge yourself too harshly for it....We are all unique individuals and that is what makes the world a truly wonderful place....Best Wishes....**Tracy**

[Cara Allen]

I am also new to this group. I am a lifelong transgendered, have been making my way in public for over ten years.
My wife also didn't know for the first 9 years of our relationship. She also felt (and to a degree, still does,) that I lied, cheated, and kept a big secret which could have affected her decision to marry me, in the first place.
My position on the matter for that 9 years, I am sure, was similar to what yours seems to be now. I thought it was something that I could control, supress, and generally walk away from (when you think of crossdressing, think of baseball...(smile.))
This is not a psychological dysfunction that can be corrected. 15 years of therapy earned me that. You will not stop, only go through multiple cycles of buying, purging, buying, purging. All the time, you will hate yourself for being weak, and for betraying your wife. I have no doubt that this has allready begun... I don't know when you originally wrote your letter.
There is another solution, and a good one. Seek counseling from a qualified professional, one who knows about gender issues. If you scour ythe web, you will find sites that can direct you. At this point, she either thinks you're crazy, or a sex maniac, or a pervert, or gay. You are not doing her any good by not getting her informed about this.
Another solution is to find a gender group near you. There are so, so many, I am sure there is one within an hour of where you live. They have regular meetings which you can choose to, or not to, attend, but more importantly, there are WIVES that will be able to sho0w her that this is not unusual, that there are others that have similar situations, and they can even show her the positives (and there are a few!) to having a CD husband. They can share their life stories, and help her to understand you better.
Consider this. What if she agreed to let you go to meetings dressed? What if you had a life? She never has to see you dressed... there are usually places that the clubs have to allow you to change, and you change back before you leave.
Before you thing that you are involving yourself with a bunch of perverts, let me assure you that this is far from the case. You will be amazed at what you can learn, how "normal" we all are... we all have jobs, wives, bills to pay, kids to raise. You have an alternative, dear.
If you don't rectify this by some other method, this will eat at her (in the absence of good information, people fill in the blanks... human nature) and she might look at other options.
Most importantly, what you have agreed to, for you, is not emotionally healthy. You will revisit this, again and again, and eventually want some way to be happy and accepted. YOU ARE NOT A FREAK, and in fact are a rare and unique person. Society is beginning to understand. There will come a day when you can understand, too! Give yourself a chance at a happy life. Good luck!

[Mayliis]

Hi everyone,

I don't know, am i enough old to take word of this topic but i'm agree with most of CD-ers here. CD-ing, being-feeling more or less female, woman instead of being man... It's something who YOU are. I'm also man, today, i'm not straight anymore, I'm Bisexual today.

Today I live together with my girlfriend, i have been together with different girls CD-ing is something what have been always part of me... You can Runa away for some time you can hide these emotions some time when you are totally inloved... but sooner or later it comes out...

I have done.. I have felt it long time. I didn' concentrate on it long time but i'm a bit sad that i have lost lot of time... because I really enjoy wearing high heels, acting like female... I triy more things since this year, This is who I'm and being here, in this forum, i can see so much frienly and sweet persons.

This is really the place today, i can be myself 100% nothing to hide. I don't know how far i go with this... but for me is a woman and being female very important. This gaves me felings what makes me happy...

Kisses,
Mayliis

[raleighbelle]

I really have to agree with what the others have said. Cross dressing is not usually just a simple choice people make. It is an internal drive, and is always there, though sometimes it is repressed and sometimes it is expressed. For many people, it is particularly strong when under stress. You can get rid of all your clothes, and you can suppress it for a while, but it will come back. I have been through that many times. I will bet that the vast majority of people on this site have at least once decided to stop, and purged all their things, and then could not resist the drive to do it again. Now, after 40 some years, I have finally decided to accept and even enjoy it (in the privacy of my own home), rather than constantly try to suppress it.

I am concerned for you about something else though, and that is your relationship. I understand your wife's concerns about your not having been honest about this before. But I think she needs to understand this is truly part of you. She should be more accomodating. Not that she has to participate or even see you dressed at all, but perhaps you can mutually set boundaries or times, or whatever. A good marriage requires good communication, and that kind of honesty and acceptance of each other is very important. But for her to ask you to give up something that is a part of you, not a choice you made, is unfair and will cause far greater problems in the long run. Especially when it is something that causes no harm to anyone else.

Good luck to you!

[Cara Allen]

Well, I don't think she is being mean, she is probably very scared about this... What she sees on Jerry Springer, etc...
Anyway, she deserves some answers. She feels like her guy is no longer a guy, or at least not the masculine guy she thought he was...

[Annaliese]

Cara Allen has given you good advice most of us here, have gone through what you are going through. I cant tell you how many years I have spent un-happy tring to hide who I am. I cry when I read post like this because I know the hell you are going through.

Good Luck

Anna

[Dayna]

Nicole,

If you and your spouse have agreed that your crossdressing cannot be a part of your lives, then quit. Resist the urges to dress. Throw away or donate all of your clothes and makeup. Get rid of anything else you have (jewelry, books, magazine articles, links to websites, etc.) that is CD-related.

Now, that being said: if you are still logging onto 'crossdressers.com' and you are reading this after agreeing with your spouse that you would quit, I don't believe you are ready to quit.

You can purge 'Nicole' (just as I purged 'Dayna' at least four times before) but as long as you come back to this site looking for advice, sympathy, validation, or whatever it is you are seeking, I think you will one day find yourself replacing everything you discarded.

My wife is not as accepting as many of the SOs I read about here; she knows what I do, but has no desire to see me dressed, to look at my photos, or to do anything else to encourage my expression. I am disappointed, of course, that I do not have anyone I can share my thoughts with, but that's just the way it is. I dress when I can without causing any disruption at home, and I never do anything that I would be embarassed to tell my wife about if she ever confronted me. It's not my ideal situation, but I respect her feelings just as she respects my traits.

If I had told my wife about 'Dayna' before we married (as I should have) she may have opted out... instead, I brought this into the marriage, and therefore I have to decide what is most important--and to some extent, everyone on this forum has to make similar choices.

I don't usually jump on my soapbox because I am far from an authority on anything, other than my own life. I wish you the best, and hope that you and your spouse live happily ever after...

[Sheri 4242]

You have been crossdressing to some degree, or at least known you were a crossdresser, since you were a child of what age? Twelve by what you indicate. You think you are going to reach an agreement with your spouse, purge, and that's that?!!! If everyone on here could have the money back on all of the clothes we've purged, we could probably feed a small third-world nation for a year. I'm not trying to be harsh, but the wife knowing and your so-called mutual decision is much akin to absolute denial of something that you can no more refute you are than you can the color of your skin, your anatomical sex, or the color of your eyes!!!

If I may be so bold as to suggest something, before you do anything with the clothes, you and your wife need to set up some sessions (plural) with a counselor who is trained and experienced in gender issues!!! As it is, you are taking a reactionary tact, which is never successful at handling the subtending issue!!!

You might be able to stop the crossdressing for a week, or a month, or a year, or ten years, etc., but every minute of however long that period of time is, you will be denying who and what you are, and that will be problematic to your ownself as well as to your marriage!!! Only through competent counselling by someone who is trained in gender issues will either of you be able to resolve anything satisfactorly!!!!!!!

Right now the major issue regarding your marriage is deceit and trust!!!


It's a vicious and expensive cycle. You can stop cross dressing, but you can never stop being a cross dresser. Nor should you want to. ;)

They say the road to hell is paved with good intentions -- and NicoleY, your intentions may be good and noble, but listen to what the others are saying!!! First, you are definitely putting yourself into a vicious and expensive cycle -- most of us have been there, done that -- many times over!!! Getting rid of the clothes isn't going to take away what is part of your core being!!! This contrived form of "aversion therapy" won't work because of who and what you are!!! The thing that your wife and you are going to have to do is address issues of truth and trust -- and all the other components of a healthy and vibrant marriage!!! Start with truth and honesty -- and open communication under the guidance of someone trained in this specialized field!!!

[Victoria Anne]

Nicole I must agree with the rest of the ladies and gent here , you have been forced to give it up and this in time will only build recentment between you. Transgender is not a recreational activity it is an intergral part of who we are and thus we cannot just quit , please think very carefully before you act. All my best wishes for you in your descion.

[Dixie Darling]

There is an old saying: "You can take the boy out of the country, but you can't take the country out of the boy." This is just as applicable to crossdressing. I DO respect the fact that you've made a decision to completely give up crossdressing and I wish you well in your attempt to do so. However, even though the physical material necessary to crossdress can be easily disposed of, the mental NEED to do so can't. What you can expect in the future is for this need to dress enfemme to return stronger than ever. I realize that's not something you or your wife would want to hear, but if you've read much in the archives on this forum and/or in other locations, you can understand that the statistics are very much against completely giving up dressing. In fact, age only increases the need until it finally comes back with a vengeance.

Since it was only in the past few days that your wife has discovered your need, as others have already suggested it would be a wise thing for the two of you to seek some reputable counseling and do some in-depth research before making any promises to each other which could turn out to be un-keepable in the years ahead.

Again, I wish you well in your attempts. At the same time, DO read the replies to your post here and try to learn from the experience of others who have already been where you find yourself now.

Dixie -- http://www.geocities.com/senorita_cd

[Ruth]

Nicole, I too came out to my wife not long ago. I did not suggest giving up CDing because I know just like the other ladies here that it's not a choice you can make. I am going to therapy and trying to integrate my CDing with our married life. There's some compromise involved on both sides but neither of us is committing to doing something impossible.
Please step back from this decision and wait a while. Get counselling if you can. If your marriage is solid it can include this.
God bless you both.

[melisss2u]

Time will tell if nicole made the right choice. we have all purged at sometime and sometimes it can be a more expensive mistake then others but it is amazing at the amount of boxes you accumulated while hiding this from your wife all these years

[Jennilouise]

When i was stayig with my parents for 4 months a coulpe of years ago i had to pack all my stuff away for those 4 months was ok but just after that i started to get a very big urge to dress again, but i was unable as they didn't know about my dressing. So i would strongly recommend that you keep your clothes and not give them away.

[Deborah Jane]

I came out to my ex 5 years ago, she wouldn,t accept it so i agreed never to CD again. I chucked everything out and we never mentioned it again. Unfortunatley we both developed resentment to each other, she, because i hadn,t told her before we married, me because she wouldn,t let me CD.We seperated 4 years later having been together 27 years! The point is, it isn,t that easy to just say "I won,t dress up again,ever! " The urges become too strong especially when you know you can,t do it!!!

[hunny67]

Hi nicoleY, ive read your post & all the replys.
I also urge you to keep your clothes even if it means putting them in the loft,
I also think some here are given you a hard time with their reply,s, you need to think this through alot.
I would never expect my SO to give CDing up. I was lucky that my SO had the guts to tell me after a month or two of knowing each other & i had already falling very deep even though i didnt tell him for a while (dont tell him that though lol) & never kept it a secret. So i guess what i am saying is dont be too hasty then regret it.

[Ermintrude]

I'm going to disagree with most of the replies here - with the exception of Holly.

NicoleY, you've already made your decision.


If given a choice between maintaining my marriage with this wonderful woman and CDing, I would choose my wife in a heartbeat without hesitation: and I am doing exactly that.

End of story - pack your clothes off to your local charity shop. :)

I appreciate your offer, if I was your size and on your side of the Atlantic I might even be tempted. :) But as no-one has expressed an interest then you've got to get them out of the house (and your life) as soon as possible. Failure to do so would be a betrayal.
You may have got away with it for seven years, but now that your wife knows what to look for you won't be able to hide it again for anything like as long.

There is a chance that the desire to CD again in the future will become strong. If that's the case, then that's when you should talk again to your wife or seek counselling.
Don't try and backtrack now - it could destroy your relationship.

Several people have pointed out that if you do return to CDing in the future, you would have to start again from scratch. But would that be a bad thing? Half the fun of CDing is the shopping.

Whatever happens, I wish both of you good luck.

[Daintre]

I have to agree with Ermintrude, you have made a decision and to me the best way to discard the clothes is to give it to Goodwill. You may regret this in the future, but my opinion is that we all have to go through a purging cycle at least once.

Good luck my friend, I hope all goes well for both you and your SO.

[racquel]

Put them in into goodwill.In the future when you are shopping there consider that the clothes you are looking at are ones that have just been donated by another like yourself,a novice cd'er who truly believed that all that was required was will power and a determination to "never again".:eek:
I wish you well.:hugs:

[angelfire]

I have to say, and I don't mean to sound like I am being discouraging, but from what I have read here, and even some of my own experiences, the likelihood of you succeeding for the rest of your life in not dressing seems incredibly unlikely. I support the motion many of the others have given: See a councillor with your wife. Maybe you can work it out, or come to some sort of agreement.

Either way, I wish you best of luck.

[Rosaliy Lynne]

I can't tell you how much clothing I had thrown away over the years. Suitcases and boxes full of everything a girl needs. Now, here I am at 58 with a full closet and a life as a public and very real woman who is more real than the man she is built on.

I suppose you can give some stuff away or store it or something but, while I wish you luck, I am not sure you won't find yourself dressing yet again down the road.

btw: I successfully stopped dressing (so I thought) for nearly 8 years. The last time I gave it up the resolution lasted less than 24 hours.

Hugs and good luck.

Will see you dressed again some day. (I'm an optimist - you can run but you can't ever run fast enough to get away from you and who you are.)

[Miss Petra]

Hi Nicole,

I agree with what the other girls are saying but never the less I would rather see the clothes go to a good home than goodwill. I would like to donate them to a friend who is setting up a makeover /photography business for The CD/TG community. All could benefit from your generous gift.

I am able to pick the clothes up Saturday Afternoon.

I emailed you with all my contact info.

Hugz,

Petra

[Cara Allen]

I want to stress some things about the option for you two to get qualified counseling.

Purge or no-purge, your wife has no idea about what is going on, and this will continue to bother her. In some ways, she sees you as "cheating" on her (which you didn't) with yourself, and in a way that she probably perceives as perverted (and it is not.)

The large part here, is QUALIFIED counseling. Do not just pick a name out of the phone book. While most professionals have a modicum of info on transgenderism, many, many do not.

The reasons for making a good choice are as follows;

First and foremost, you want to get a fair shake. Over my years, I have had counselors that thought that 1) I was gay (actually, he was gay.) 2) I was a fetishist. The treatment for this is not pleasant, and is not even a little effective. 3) The thearapist, if unaware, will make poor or destructive choices for the both of you.

Secondly, if the counselor knows nothing about transgenderism, and she/he has any bones, she/he will want to learn. You do not want to pay someone for 5 sessions, so that she/he can learn about this. In the mean time, she/he can make it worse.

[DonnaT]

As you can see, Nicole, a lot of experience here with trying to quit and failing.

That does not mean you will fail.

However, talk to your wife and discuss that possibility. Tell her you are going to try very hard, but if you slip up, ask her to be understanding and not to be upset.

This way you won't have to hide it, should you dress again. You can be frank with her, and then try again to quit, if you both want that.

Just remember to be honest with her, and not hard on yourself, should you fail. The odds are against you because this is an integral part of who you are.

Don't let not dressing become harmful to your mental and/or physical well being.

Best of luck to you.

Now, take the clothes to goodwill. I doubt anyone will come around to pick them up.

[Veronica Fallon]

Just another lil' thing to consider...

If you do give in to her refusal of "meeting half-way", giving up your need to express your femininity, to her want for an easy comfort level, you may very well come to resent :mad: her for it over time. Just something to think about dear. Best of luck to you!

Hugz,

Veronica

[Cara Allen]

Just another lil' thing to consider...

If you do give in to her refusal of "meeting half-way", giving up your need to express your femininity, to her want for an easy comfort level, you may very well come to resent :mad: her for it over time. Just something to think about dear. Best of luck to you!

Hugz,

Veronica

I have to agree. Either way, without something changing this situation, all you are doing is burying this for a later time. I know this is scary, and I know you will do what you think is best.

[Tamera]

Just one Comment,

"They Always Come Back"

Purging is part of this lifestyle it seems, but is never permanant.

Hugs,
Tamera

[Charleen]

We'll be here when you come back. We won't judge either. Oh O.K., some might say told ya so, but we will welcome you back.

[KandisTX]

Lets see now. You've "talked" and YOU agreed to give up your crossdressing. Umm what is SHE giving up? Sounds to me like you are just bending over and taking it from her without question. You and she seriously should seek a qualified psychologist who has experience with transgendered people. (like was said you can't just pick someone out of the phone book).

You're giving up something that is very much a part of you and she gets what? A man who is not going to be himself because SHE made him give up something that is very much a part of himself. Yes, you may stop dressing, but it will be back maybe in a week, 2 weeks, 2 months, 2 years, who knows.. but just remember it will be back.

Kandis:love:

[switcheralso]

I can't even go a week without my clothing.

[Jennaie]

Just throw them in the dumpster. The pretty girl you are is inside you, not outside. It will, however, drive you absolutely crazy when you have absolutely no way to express her on the outside. Time will reveal this to you.

[switcheralso]

Hi Nicole,

I agree with what the other girls are saying but never the less I would rather see the clothes go to a good home than goodwill. I would like to donate them to a friend who is setting up a makeover /photography business for The CD/TG community. All could benefit from your generous gift.

I am able to pick the clothes up Saturday Afternoon.

I emailed you with all my contact info.

Hugz,

Petra

At least she knows how to get them back.

[Charlene Ogden]

....you've unleashed the dresser within, sister. Once it's out, all you can do is manage it.
....I'm more than a decade older than you and went down your road. My wife also caught me, I purged and I rebuilt my collection back again, very slowly after years.
The only way I've been able to curtail my dressing activities and keep my family is to change both my environment and my mind, slowly.
I've kept myself so busy with work and family that dressing naturally took a third place. By involving myself in non-dressing activities, I've begun the slow process of behavior modification. Yea, it sounds scary and very CIA-like, and counter-intuitive to our female "side". But, the bottom line is that it's not going to go completely away for you. If you're serious about quitting, you have to simply stop going to the online groups. Maybe work with a couselor. Don't engage yourself in dressing activities. Over time, like with me, your burning need to dress will diminish. When I was your age, dressing was the first thing on my mind.
I don't want to sound like a hypocrite because, after all, I AM on this forum and once in a while I still get the urge to be sitting at an outdoor cafe in hose and heels.
Yes, the urge hits me and like the stock market, I have cycles of ups and downs. BUT, over all, I've decreased the urge to dress by slow behavior modification.
Right now, I'm in a dressing cycle, but I'm able to control it to a manageable level as to not disrupt my family life.
Hope this helps.

[Jamie001]

You will find that it is not possible to stop. The best thing to do is to accept your feminine side and integrate it into you life. You will be much happier that way. Suppressing your feminine side will only cause you much grief and depression. I have tried many times and have been through a lot of therapy. Gender therapists will give you the same advice. It's not possible to quit. I have purged many tiimes and wasted a lot of money later acquiring the items that I gave away. First of all, you need to accept that "there is nothing wrong with you". Several hundred years ago. most men wore all of the items that women wear today including high heels, makeup, wigs, nail polish, etc. Having been through many very dangerous bouts of depression I would advise you to embrace youir feminine side. Therapists have told me this for years and I always fought it! The last bout of depression was almost the end. Since I have accpeted my fem side I am very happy and no longer suffer from depression. I know that I am not male and not female and that gender is a continium. It is a wonderful way to live. You cannot suppress who you really are! Trying to do so can only result in depression and failure.

:hugs: Jamie

Kandis is correct. Is is not possible to stop because if you try to stop, it will eventually lead to depression and other issues. It is important for you to first accept that dressing is not a problem and that there is nothing wrong with you. You cannot suppress a part of you personality. I would encourage you not to make a "mistake" by suppressing your "true self". It can lead to sedvere depression, physical problems such as hypertention, and a suppressed resentment towards your wife for forcing you to give-up this part of yourself. I have been there many times and can tell you that your fem side is with you for the duration of your life and needs to be expressed if you want to be at peace with yourself.


Lets see now. You've "talked" and YOU agreed to give up your crossdressing. Umm what is SHE giving up? Sounds to me like you are just bending over and taking it from her without question. You and she seriously should seek a qualified psychologist who has experience with transgendered people. (like was said you can't just pick someone out of the phone book).

You're giving up something that is very much a part of you and she gets what? A man who is not going to be himself because SHE made him give up something that is very much a part of himself. Yes, you may stop dressing, but it will be back maybe in a week, 2 weeks, 2 months, 2 years, who knows.. but just remember it will be back.

Kandis:love:

[Marcie's GG]

as the wife of a CDer I have been in the same situation as you and your wife..don't do anything drastic until you are sure your wife really can't accept you..sometimes a wife needs a little time to process everything and if you have a good relationship it may still be possible for you to continue dressing. Marcie was an adjustment for me at first but but I truly love the person inside and how you dress doesn't change who that is..

I hope this helps

[Meeshell]

Nichole,
I too, have been through the purging cycles, and my wifes reaction when I told her was similar to yours. She needed some time and some understanding of what was really happening. She had to figure out for herself that I wasn't any less a man or any different than she had expected from me when we got married. And I know it's not PC but that I wasn't gay. This being said, that doesn't mean your wife will feel the same eventually. If you and your wife have truly decided that you shouldn't CD then get rid of the stuff and don't look back. I agree with alot of the posters, It's hard and your probablly going to fail, but that's no reason not to try. They are right, your not going to get rid of your desires but I strongly believe that a person can control they're behavior in relation to those desires with alot of effort and persistance. Failure or potential failure is no reason to stop trying. Hopefully your wife will understand your failures and realise your trying your best and be supportive. And who knows after some time and maybe a little education, she may change her mind like my wife did. Either way, If you love your wife, it's worth a try, isn't it? I'm pulling for you, good luck and I hope you can meet the challenge.

Meesh

**EDIT** Sorry. I didn't mean to be a little redundant but Marcie's post wasn't there when I started typing. I know, learn to type. Thanks for the post Marcie'sGG

Meesh

[Jamie001]

Meeshell,

I respectfully have to disagree with you. Yes, you are correct that a person can control the desires, but at what price? The price is depression, anxiety, and sometimes resentment toward your wife. That is too high of a price to pay! I have learned this through many years of therapy and have almost come to the end of my rope several times. Don't make the same mistake that I made. The only thing that you are doing is wearing clothing. Women wear men's clothing all of the time. You are not doing anything wrong. Don't let your wife convince you that you are doing something wrong. It is not possible to get rid of this part of yourself. First you need to accept that there is nothing wrong with you.

:hugs: jamie


Nichole,
I too, have been through the purging cycles, and my wifes reaction when I told her was similar to yours. She needed some time and some understanding of what was really happening. Once she figured out that I am the same man she thought I was, she began to become curious about my CDing. She finally came to the conclusion that she liked my CDing in the bedroom(which is pretty much where my CDing stays) and began buying clothes for me and participating to the extent that it really turns her on now. But she had to figure out for herself that I wasn't any less a man or any different than she had expected from me when we got married. And I know it's not PC but that I wasn't gay. This being said, that doesn't mean your wife will feel the same eventually. If you and your wife have truly decided that you shouldn't CD then get rid of the stuff and don't look back. I agree with alot of the posters, It's hard and your probablly going to fail, but that's no reason not to try. They are right, your not going to get rid of your desires but I strongly believe that a person can control they're behavior in relation to those desires with alot of effort and persistance. Failure or potential failure is no reason to stop trying. Hopefully your wife will understand your failures and realise your trying your best and be supportive. And who knows after some time and maybe a little education, she may change her mind like my wife did. Either way, If you love your wife, it's worth a try, isn't it? I'm pulling for you, good luck and I hope you can meet the challenge.

Meesh

[Meeshell]

Jamie,
I agree with you, there can be destructive results often times when people suppress their urges but, and I don't mean to be argumentative, but these are things that people need to work through. To many therapists have convinced people that they should give in to their urges because of destructive consequences of suppressing them. True, sometimes the action is far less harmful or not harfull at all compared to consequence of supression but a person needs to learn to be the one in control of theirself not let their urges control them. What would happen if the alchoholism counselor gave the same advice. NOT that I'm saying it's the same thing, please. But the desires are just as strong. And I agree, his doing nothing wrong, but it is the desicion he made.

Peace
Meesh

And as a postscript I might add, If a person has made a decision to do something to help his relationship with the wife he loves, or anything for that matter he ought to have our support. Not just tell him it's impossible. He should be aware of the consequences of suppressing his disires true. And that failures are going to happen. But shouldn't we support him in any way we can. I.E. encouragement, education, comradary, even prayers.

just my:2c: and probably not worth that much
Meesh

[NicoleY]

*sigh*

First off, I would like to thank everyone for all the advices and helpful words. They mean a great deal to me and I appreciate each and every one of you.

My apologies to Miss Petra: I did not receive your email. I will be home pretty much all next week, so please email me again. NicoleY at charter dot com.

I do agree with most of you that CDing will not permanently go away. It is probable that the urge to dress will resurface sometime in the future. I do not have a problem with that, and my wife and I will deal with such events as they arise.

The funny thing is, that my wife is a very understanding person. Living here and having attended CSULB in the theatre department (my major for 3 years), we've come to know a lot of gay, lesbian, bisexual, and whatever the sorts people. As a matter of fact, one of my former roommates from the dormitories just revealed his homosexuality to us and we were very glad for it. We had a nice dinner, glasses of wine, and we were all very happy and congratulatory of him. She is generally accepting of the alternative lifestyles of people, at least that's what she thought she was.

During the discussion that night, she said that she was kind of in shock because she's never had to deal with such revelation at such a personal level. She knows that there are CDing husbands out there, and she praises their bravery as well as their wives who can successfully accompany those husbands. She has always thought of herself as such an accepting person: until that night. She is dealing with her own inner conflicts as well as her new discovery of Nicole. From that perspective, I understand her confusion and that she will need time to sort everything out. After all, isn't life filled with new discoveries and sorting out such confusions?

Anyway, as some of you have said, the decision has been made. Everything is sitting in a few boxes, ready to be taken out of this place. So Miss Petra, please contact me at your convenience. :0)

As for me, on the inside, I know that I am a crossdresser and that CDing is a part of me. But at the same time, I love and value my wife and the relationship that we've built over the past 7 years. Because I love her, and because I want to make us happy, I will resist to my best capabilities the urges to dress.

We watch movies and hear real-life stories of greater sacrifices that people have made for what they cherish: people giving lives for each other, taking punishment for each other, being generous for each other. The romantic part of me likes to believe that people make such sacrifices because they believe in something: a belief, no matter how big or small, that would inevitably bring harmony and happiness about them. I am, by no means, happy with giving away my clothes and stopping to dress. However, for the greater good, for the person that I cherish, for this wonderful relationship that we've built and worked so hard for, I am willing to make the sacrifice.

Who knows? Maybe in a few years, she will come to terms with my CDing history and would like to revisit. Maybe she'll begin to accept and embrace the idea.

She felt the same way about spicy Korean food. ;0)


Anyway, thank you all for your kind words. Good luck with everyone!

[Angie G]

Nicole good luck hun we will be hereif you are ever in need to talk if not God bless you and have a good life :hugs:
Angie

[BarbaraTalbot]

Before I met Dee I was really heavily into unrequited love. It did make me feel good about myself to be the one in the relationship that loved enough to be selfless instead of just selfish. Denying my basic desires to elevate my love to some sort of higher plane.

Having unconditonal love at long last opened my eyes a bit.


We watch movies and hear real-life stories of greater sacrifices that people have made for what they cherish: people giving lives for each other, taking punishment for each other, being generous for each other. The romantic part of me likes to believe that people make such sacrifices because they believe in something: a belief, no matter how big or small, that would inevitably bring harmony and happiness about them. I am, by no means, happy with giving away my clothes and stopping to dress. However, for the greater good, for the person that I cherish, for this wonderful relationship that we've built and worked so hard for, I am willing to make the sacrifice.

I like the group Offsrping a lot.

Their song Self Esteem seems appropo. I laugh (at myself) at the parts I highlight below:

SELF ESTEEM

I wrote her off for the tenth time today
And practiced all the things I would say
But she came over
I lost my nerve
I took her back and made her dessert
Now I know I'm being used
That's okay man cause I like the abuse
I know she's playing with me
That's okay cause I've got no self esteem
We make plans to go out at night
I wait till 2 then I turn out the light
All this rejection's got me so low
If she keeps it up I just might tell her so
When she's saying that she wants only me
Then I wonder why she sleeps with my friends
When she's saying that I'm like a disease
Then I wonder how much more I can spend
Well I guess I should stick up for myself
But I really think it's better this way
The more you suffer
The more it shows you really care Right?
Now I'll relate this a little bit
That happens more than I'd like to admit
Late at night she knocks on my door
Drunk again and looking to score
Now I know I should say no
But that's kind of hard when she's ready to go
I may be dumb
But I'm not a dweeb
I'm just a sucker with no self esteem

It does sound a like you two very much do love each other and CD-ing especially in secrecy may not do much to help build that bond. I think if her issue was the fact that you hid this from her, I could understand her angst.

Now I obviously don't know either of you and should bite my tongue. I can't help thinking though that I know lots of people that are very accepting of (fill in the blank: blacks, Jews, CD's, gays, the uneducated, the addicted, the poor, the hapless, the lepers, or whatever) but not in my family!

I have a neighbor who is an active in his chosen political party, a Jew, has OCD, like me has ADHD, feels strongly about minority rights. he and his wife are very active in politics and feels strongly that people of the opposing political party are keeping minorities down. Yet when he wanted to make a point about what it is like for him living next to me and snooping over the fence to look at all my cars., He said that I really should move and live amongst "those people in South Phoenix". There is no other way to take than to say this man is saying that only Blacks and Mexicans live like "that". I do a fair amount of work in that part of town because not everyone is eager to go there. I have found many homes down there much cleaner than I could ever realistically aspire to.


Who knows? Maybe in a few years, she will come to terms with my CDing history and would like to revisit. Maybe she'll begin to accept and embrace the idea.

She felt the same way about spicy Korean food. ;)

When we met, we were lifelong members for several generations of opposing political parties. She now votes more often for the party of the man for whom I was named than I do.

So people definitely do change.

Your wife has every right and reason to be upset about you having anything that was part of a secret life that excluded her. I would challenge her on her "acceptance" apologize for causing her apprehensions, and state clearly what this dressing means to you. This pre-supposes that you know what it means to you. (I am not sure I do.) I strongly support you decision to purge for now, but I implore you to continue in some respect to examine your history with dressing possibly with the help of a qualified therapist, good friends, and preferably with the help and support (of understanding the why) of your wife.

Good luck and best wishes.

[Miss Petra]

Nicole tried to email you at nicoleyatcharterdotcom
but no luck. email returned Is this for real??

I may be having my doubts:mad:

[NicoleY]

Nicole tried to email you at nicoleyatcharterdotcom
but no luck. email returned Is this for real??

I may be having my doubts:mad:


AHH! I'm SO sorry.. NicoleY at charter dot NET... not dot com.

[Miss Petra]

Hi Nicole,

Ok sent email no bouncy this time so lets finalize this OK.

Petra

[ronni]

I just threw all mine in the dumpster when I decided I wasn't going to need them anymore.
Then I went out and bought new ones that I liked better!

[Glenda58]

I don't know about your cloths. But you better talk to your wife again and work something out where you can CD somewhere sometime or you will be at it again with more energy than before and then you will get caught and that will be the end of the relationship. I know this happen to me plus many others here. CDing is part of you. You could no more cut off your arm as if just saying your going to stop CDing today. You been doing it to long just to stop cold turkey.

[JazmyneCD]

I don't know about your cloths. But you better talk to your wife again and work something out where you can CD somewhere sometime or you will be at it again with more energy than before and then you will get caught and that will be the end of the relationship. I know this happen to me plus many others here. CDing is part of you. You could no more cut off your arm as if just saying your going to stop CDing today. You been doing it to long just to stop cold turkey.

Yeah, I tried to "stop" a few times and finally gave up. Once my wife found me trying on her skirt then I knew it was time to tell her. Things have been fine ever since.

Good luck to you. I live in the area and would take them off your hands but as Glenda said, you can't shake it. Hold on to them--the urge will return.