The urge to tell

[Maggie Kay]

I am feeling an urge to tell someone that I know about my true identity. So that at least someone who knew me as a male will see the true me. I have felt this urge many times and started to leave hints or make vague statements. I have a lesbian business acquaintance who I am resisting telling. I do not know how she will react and it could ruin a relationship that I value. I worry that if I do find a sympathetic person, I will go overboard with gratitude. Living in this secret, can't tell anyone world is really getting me. I sit with my family every night watching TV and as TG subjects are sometimes mentioned, we all play like I am not TG. Laughing at CDers and the jokes that are made, etc. On the reality of the issue, my business probably would be seriously affected if I let it be known who I really am. Things are hard enough as it is so I won't but this urge to spill the beans is getting stronger every day. Does anyone else have a situation like this?

[AmberTG]

Kay, I know exactly what you mean! It gets harder to hide the real you as you get more familiar and comfortable with the real you. I keep wanting to tell the people I work with, but I think that might be job suicide, they probably already think I'm a bit weird with my semi-femme appearance. For instance, I just got my hair trimmed a bit in back and it looks even more femme now then it used to.
I resist the urge at work, and I don't have any local friends to tell. I'm the "black sheep" of my family, so there isn't really anyone local to tell. The neighbors will figure it out eventually.:heehee:
As I related in a past thread, my son knows, but I don't throw it in his face.
Sometimes, for financial reasons, you just have to keep it to your self for a while.
I figure that sooner or later, the people I work with will figure out part of it, I don't intend to hide my "development" from anyone. I might have to us a bit of discretion around our customers, but time will tell on that.

[loriannetucson]

I guess I'm also a bit like Amber. I do dress in tight girly jeans to work and pluck my eyebrows very femininely. Shoot, i even get Botox injections for the time being to create a nicely shaped feminine arch! But the people at work keep having new looks, weird stares, like they see a change but they can't pinpoint it. Now that my breasts are an easy A cup and seem to be quickly heading towards B, I too figure than sooner or later (hope not too sooner) they will figure it out. Yesterday a female coworker told me, "So, are you cold? Huh? I can see those things pointing right at me." Sheez, how insensitive. At the same time, though, how perceptive.

I have noticed that even though people laugh about things they see on television, attitudes can change when it's really about someone they like or respect.

Lori

[JJGirlyman]

i am a landscaper. i can not be dressed as a woman and excpect to keep my customers or get new ones. i hope to crossdress without as much internal quilt. i can spend time at home...with my 2 puppychildren and crossdress! my pups don't seem to mind and they are pretty well used to seeing dressed alittle differntly or alot more softer and with much rounder curves. kinda exciting and relaxing for me...jasmine

[Calliope]

My advice - don't mix business with pleasure. Sounds like you gotta tell someone, and go on, but maybe not someone in your economic world, eh.

[Scotty]

I have found that it's best not to tell anyone.
They will already figure it out, and I'm speaking from experience.

I've been "Out"ted in rumor that got back to me.

It's amazing how people will turn on you.
I've heard the comments about me being in touch with my femme side, my shaved legs, the works.
And without sounding arrogant, my legs can get away with being in shorts in a crowd - I've had women compliment me and guys just look and not say anything or have any expression.
But I've heard it get back to me through rumor control.

[tori-e]

Hi Kay. I'm not clear. Are you post transition, living in stealth?

My experience with people is that they have been more than understanding. My spouse and I have "had the talk" with dozens of people outting me that I am trans. Everyone has been wonderful. We usually have a one-to-one talk with a person and give them a link to our website. There have been many types of reactions, but in the end, everyone is still there and all are respectful of using my new name. In many cases old relationships have become much stronger. I think people thought I was hiding something before. (go figure) I hear over and over that Terri is a much happier than the guy ever was.

Here's my site, if it is of any help.
http://members.shaw.ca/terribreeze/

Terri

[Maggie Kay]

I'm pre-op and living in androgeny bordering on full femme. I wear almost always women's clothes but no skirts,dresses or makeup. No one that knows me personally or professionally, is aware of my status as a transexual. My wife knows and my adult daughter sort of knows but we have this weird thing going on where we all pretend it isn't happening. I live a surreal existence at home as a result. I was thinking that if even one person that knew me personally could be told, then I could have a refection of some kind of reality. I went to one TS Group meeting and enjoyed being myself for two hours among others of my “kind” but I cannot return. The group is led by a therapist that dumped me and my wife also begged me not to go back.


I am self employed and my customers are primarily middle age to retirement age males. I know that this group would be not pleased to find out and they probably would stop buying my products. I can't even go to trade shows because of it. They would also not be accepting of a woman doing my job. I never intended to reveal myself to them but the pressure to stop this hiding is intense.

[tori-e]

Hi Kay,

I can really say in a lot of ways that I've many similar issues. From age 12 to 47 I believed I was TS. But that there was no resolution to it all. I really owe it all to my spouse. Without her, there would have never been any hope. When I told her, we spent over a year talking about this (ad nauseam) before we told anyone else. By the time I started coming out to others, I had a strong ally in her. I really believe that a lot of people will take there lead from the spouse, and she was good with it, and so were others.

We took about another 1 - ½ years building support with key people before I became full time. But when we started telling people I still didn't believe that being full time would ever be possible. (Or even if that's what I needed) All the same it was such a relief to be able to talk to people and even kid around a bit about. After awhile it stopped feeling like such a scary thing.

I guess my point is, that beyond my wildest dreams, there is some hope out there. I always joke that I feel like I've won the "TG Lottery". But I believe that if you talk to people you trust and have a soft non-threatening approach, people will be cool with it all. Give people time to adjust and provide sources of information.

In January we told a couple that were our best friends. They disappeared and we thought that was that. Last week they invited us to visit them over labour day. Some people take a little longer to get used to it all. (And, yes, I am a bit nervous about seeing them again. (The man they knew is long gone now.))

Hope it doesn't sound like I'm blowing sunshine up everone's *** :eek: but I really think there is hope and that society is evolving. When I'm outing my self a few people have said "Oh yeah, I saw a show on TV about that." (Thank you Oprah!:thumbsup:)

There is hope.


lots of love,
Terri

[Maggie Kay]

I had the big conversation with my college age daughter a few minutes ago. She had taken a course on gender and had talked to a transwoman in that class. She was not really surprized and other than some adjustments like pronouns and awkwardness about clothing talk she is accepting of me and still loves me as her parent. This is a far more accepting reaction than my SO who struggles so hard to cope. I am relieved that we no longer have to pretend that I am OK and that I don't have a problem. I mean she knew something was up cause I wear women's clothes just about all the time and had for years. It is just that we didn't talk about it. Now that is done. I do feel that now someone who I love can know a bit of what I have to live with. I am relieved.

[valery]

I am feeling an urge to tell someone that I know about my true identity. So that at least someone who knew me as a male will see the true me. I have felt this urge many times and started to leave hints or make vague statements. I have a lesbian business acquaintance who I am resisting telling. I do not know how she will react and it could ruin a relationship that I value. I worry that if I do find a sympathetic person, I will go overboard with gratitude. Living in this secret, can't tell anyone world is really getting me. I sit with my family every night watching TV and as TG subjects are sometimes mentioned, we all play like I am not TG. Laughing at CDers and the jokes that are made, etc. On the reality of the issue, my business probably would be seriously affected if I let it be known who I really am. Things are hard enough as it is so I won't but this urge to spill the beans is getting stronger every day. Does anyone else have a situation like this?

My actual sitiuation is nearly the same. At the time it's changing between >tell everybody and come out< and >repress - to do away with my CDing< - like 'make-or-break' which isn't advisable. It's a painful progress without any idea and no security if it'll turn out all right in the end. I'm a single and my sister is all what's left from my family, so it's different to your sitiuation, but I think there are the same functions and basics behind.

I also leave hints and make vague statements especially when others makes jokes or laugh at CDers. That's when it gets personal for me (attacked and my heart takes control over me) and I can't help as I always have to fight against asininity and intolerance and so it always turns out into a lecture, so I tell them about the words and the meanings and the people etc. that's also why I know that the public has no idea about the variety of us. I have a great liberal and tolerant circle of friends(7), very open minded, well-educated, but I still can find those jokes and uncertainty, so I'm still afraid to come out, f.. - I have so lovely friends (they're my famiy) but I still not able to tell them. So if I have a drink too much on a party I can't calm down and sometimes they're a bit confused and ask me "why do you know about all this and all those backgrounds". As artist and musician it's easy to get an answer to that and I'm also really working on it with my art and music (different story).

For me it's obvious that this strong intend that you/we have "to tell someone" is the wish to get your/our freedom as a real person whatever you are. Because, if someone "will see the true me" it'll be the proof for my existence and that's what it's about. If I have to live a lie I'm not existing, true??? How can I be sure about my friends and family etc. or be happy about respect, love or compliments given to me as a person, when I'm not that person and in reality I'm only known as the actor(liar) who learned to play his role, because of the fear to be the alien in our society, from the very first time?

O.K - in our days a lot of things already have changed. Gay people are more accepted but still have very big problems in society. We have international human rights(have we?) and engagement against racism(have we?) etc. but we're still at the early beginning as everybody knows and can truely see every other day in the daily news. So I don't believe that lots of the stories I read here - that everything was so nice and easy when they did their 'come out' - is all-purpose, allthough those stories gives a lot of hope to me. If you're in the wrong place (city) and you're with the wrong people you're in big trouble. But how can you really know. You can't and that's the problem. There is no safety belt. And if you see how gay people are accepted by society, I must say that's not my idea of respect. In movies they have this typical fag role (high fake feminine voice, delicate, weakish) so they got a forced picture which is not frightening for public but only a few percent of them act in that way in real life.

Just as example I found out (after 2 years) that the man of my sister is the most conservative person I know, he's afraid of everything that is "not normal", he's not even eating foreign food, so I have a definitely clear idea about his reaction if I'll ever come out. So at that day I will have to decide to be a servant-slave to his picture of a perfect world or to be what I am and to tell him to f... o... which brings me to the problem that my sister is all what's left from my family, so it's not easy and I'm so with you, but I have no answer to help, sorry.



The fear (which comes from our brain) about prejudice, to lose the job or/and our friends, being disgraced in public etc. is fighting against our/your feelings/soul with the claim to be respected as a person (which comes from our heart). As we live in a world that is ruled by fear and pain with a "perfect picture of life and family" which is the aiming point for a fearful crowd conducted by politician-intellectuals-media-advertising etc., we have hard resulting adverseness against everything that maybe dangerous or virulent in the idea of this people.


what can I say? You got my heart and my soul and I'm with you, that's all I can give.

[Scotty]

I am happy you talked to her and she was understanding!!!
That is very cool!!

I think we all see what happens when you come out at work - for me it would be devestating but many know or wonder already.

Let them wonder!! :)