Supportive S/O's vs non-supportive S/O's (a poll)...

[Veronica Fallon]

Hi girls,

I am still rather new here & haven't yet dug through all the archived threads to see if this has been asked already, but I'm curious to know just what the rough ratio of supportive S/O's to non-supportive ones might be. I joined this forum thinking that (with my supportive GGF) I would be in the vast minority here. Well, I've read probably over 100 different threads so far, & it seems there are quite a few with supportive partners. I've actually had 3 supportive GGF's (out of 5) since I began dressing 13 years ago. It makes me wonder if society might just be evolving a lil' quicker than I would have guessed.

Does anyone have a clue what an estimated percentage might be of:

1) Unaware/unknowing S/O's
2) S/O's who know but are intolerant
3) Tolerant but non-supportive S/O's
4) Supportive S/O's who aren't actively involved
5) Actively supportive & involved S/O's
*****[pole is above this post]*****

I'm extremely interested in everyone's views or knowledge on this topic!

Thank you,

Veronica

[Wickanne GG]

I would be accepting and supportive of my SO. Due to some of the issues on this forum I would like to insert two condition to my acceptance. I would be supportive IF I knew about it in the beginning. IF he informed me two, three, twenty years into the relationship, after all the lies and the clandestine maneuvers, I would say NO because it would not be about his CDing it would be based on the person’s character. If his character is such that he can lie to cover being a CD then what else is this character capable of being dishonest about…what else has he been dishonest about. I don’t believe many relationships fail solely based on the CDing factor, but I have been wrong before. Some SOs may use the CDing as an excuse to get out of a relationship to avoid discussing the real reasons because it’s easier…how can you argue with the fact if you have already admitted to being a CD.

The other condition would depend where he is in the "spectrum" of his CDing. If he were a transsexual, I would say NO I would not be supportive within the confines of a relationship because that is not what I am about.

:love:
Wickanne

[Veronica Fallon]

IF he informed me two, three, twenty years into the relationship, after all the lies and the clandestine maneuvers, I would say NO because it would not be about his CDing it would be based on the person’s character. If his character is such that he can lie to cover being a CD then what else is this character capable of being dishonest about…what else has he been dishonest about.

I agree wholeheartedly about being honest up front Wickanne! I told each of my partners about my "inner woman" as soon as things seemed slightly serious between us. I think by telling them the truth so early-on, they at least tried to be understanding when they might otherwise have not been at all. In fact, I think they all said they admired my bravery & were thankful for my honesty. BTW... I've also told a few more potential GF's about "Veronica", & they're included in the context of this paragraph but not in my original post.

Thanks Wickanne,

Veronica

[KatieZ]

I was married twice.
First wife knew but was intolerant. (Told her after married for 6 years.)
Second was actively supportive & involved. (Told her on second date.)

[Dita_B]

I am one of the ones that kept my dressing secret, although I was busted a few years into my marriage...

So she knew from that time on what was "wrong" with me but I remember to feel soooo ashamed after she found me, coming home early, that I ran out of the house and it took hours before I dared to come back in again...

That was in a different time, computers were in their infancy and Internet information was non existent, so I was convinced that I was an oddity... So we never talked about it again and after some time the urge to dress became just too much to bear and I started to do it again, but now more careful covering my tracks than before...I was convinced that if she would find out that I had resumed my dressing that our marriage would not survive...So I had a lot at stake at that time...

Therefore I felt caught between a rock and a hard place...I couldn't give up dressing and wouldn't give up my marriage, but admitting the dressing could have ruined my marriage...She didn't have any information about dressing either and being raised as the only girl among all male siblings in a very macho environment may have made the dressing seem like something out of a horror story.

The result of my actions may very well be the fact that my SO is now tolerant and accepting only because she knows that she can't stop me from doing it. But I can't change the past so I have to deal with the results of my choices...

A few months ago we had a talk about my dressing, a talk that I initiated... And she said that she had a very hard time with it and cried...and cried a lot more... but said that she respected my right to express myself... But seeing her so in turmoil made me feel soooo bad and hopeless and since I respect her, her feelings and her opinions, I feel I have no choice but to keep my dressing out of her sight as much as possible as to not hurt her feelings any further...

However, since she informed my daughter about my dressing a few days ago, my (supportive) daughter told me that it seems that my wife is coming around... However, knowing how much difficulty she has with the issue, what can I do but keep it as quiet as possible for the time being? The ball is in her part of the court right now and I just have to wait and see what is going to happen next...

If I could do it all over again, knowing what I know now, I would have told her right from the start, at the second date... No doubt about that...

:love:Dita.

[Gisele]

I am supported all the way around. Jenn is 100% behind me.

[Angie G]

My wife sees angie sometimes 5 day a week and is about 90 % supportive we shop together and buy thing for angie but she don't care to make love to her
:hugs:
Angie

[Darlene-VA]

I was married for 21 years to a wonderful woman and I told her about Darlene 9 years into our marriage, it was rocky for a few years but eventually we worked together so I could spend some time dressed every week. And over the years she bought me outfits and gave makeup tips. We did not separate due to the crossdressing and we are still the best of friends and I work for her now 4 nights a week fully dressed as her secretary and Darlene is treated as an employee who is very important to my wife's business

[GACountrygal]

hmm....well I'm not sure where I would fit in that poll.

I'm moody, so it depends on the day, whats goin on at that point in time, how I feel, yada yada yada. Sometimes I can't stand it, othertimes I could careless and let him do as he wants, others I'll help out and have some fun with it.

Thank God he puts up with me :heehee: I'm such a nuisance! :heehee:

[Veronica Fallon]

Thank God he puts up with me :heehee: I'm such a nuisance! :heehee:

And Thank God you all put up with us !!
:love:

Thank you,

Veronica

[Melanie R]

In my 28 year experience in the crossdressing community, I would estimate that 25% of SO's are accepting and participate to some extent or totally, 25% are tolerant but do not participate, 25% do not tolerate and are not accepting but are not asking for separation or divorce and 25% either do not know or when they find out will leave the relationship. I do believe the percentage of SO's who are accepting and supporting is increasing as is our society at large.

[dakota_ann69]

A few months ago we had a talk about my dressing, a talk that I initiated... And she said that she had a very hard time with it and cried...and cried a lot more... but said that she respected my right to express myself... But seeing her so in turmoil made me feel soooo bad and hopeless and since I respect her, her feelings and her opinions, I feel I have no choice but to keep my dressing out of her sight as much as possible as to not hurt her feelings any further...
:love:Dita.

Veronica,

Dita said it all for me with the partial quote listed. My SO knew from the beginning our very first date. She always thought this was just a phase that would pass when we got married. However, through many discussions she finally is able to accept that it is not something that goes away and is part of my personality. She is tolerant, but at her request I keep Dakota in the closet...(so to speak)....until times when she is not around. Some may think of this as not being supportive. But I know who I am and I am comfortable in my relationship with myself and my wife. She knows who I am and she is comfortable with herself and secure in our relationship.

For the first time in years (13) to be exact she brought home a gift for me, a skirt that she had seen in the store. She told me that she thought it would look great on me. I still have yet to wear it. It showed me that she loves me for who I am and was a great moral booster.

However, until she asks me I will keep to myself for now. The day will come when she asks to see me as Dakota, maybe another 13 yrs but that is okay I know that I have her support.

I hope that this helps you.

[Veronica Fallon]

In my 28 year experience in the crossdressing community, I would estimate that 25% of SO's are accepting and participate to some extent or totally, 25% are tolerant but do not participate, 25% do not tolerate and are not accepting but are not asking for separation or divorce and 25% either do not know or when they find out will leave the relationship. I do believe the percentage of SO's who are accepting and supporting is increasing as is our society at large.

Awesome!! Thank you Melanie!
I'm brand new to getting out in the community, but I have done extensive research over the past year or so, (I'm not completely unedumacatid!!) & that's a better percentage than I would have guessed. The numbers in the middle stages are particularly interesting. It seems that indeed the tide is gradually turning towards both, acceptance & support.
This is exciting!!
What do the rest of you ladies think??

Hugz,

Veronica

[Val702]

Where are all these suppourtive women! I need one. My eX tried, but was totaly against it in the end. I need an understanding woman.

[Veronica Fallon]

Thank you Dakota for that obviously heartfelt response!
You both have my total respect & even admiration for where you're at & where you're choosing to be.
The feelings behind your words come shining through to illuminate that she's being as supportive as she can be right now, & trying to find more inside herself to give you. And you're mature/wise enough to be thankful for her love & respectful of her feelings. In my eyes you two are supportive of each other, which lies at the core of any healthy, working relationship.
I wish you both the very best in your future together...

:hugs:Double-Hugz, :hugs:

Veronica

[MsEva]

I answered the last choice, and am surprised to see that the majority of responders fit that category. My dear wife is a champ. She loves me, both the fem and male parts and is very supportive. I don't know what I have done in this life or lives past to deserve such a wonderful woman.:happy:

[Jennilouise]

Told my partner after only about month of us starting this relationship . Hunny 67 is 100% behind me in my dressing and even help with shopping for clothes and make up.

[Rachel Morley]

I'm one of the lucky ones. My wife Marla GG actually likes crossdressing. She looked to date a cder before she married me and her previous boyfriend before me was cder also. I'm extremely fortunate because I have little or no boundaries with my dressing except for permanent body modifications etc, which I also don't want so we're a perfect match in this regard as well as the rest of the things in our marriage. My dressing is actually encouraged by her as she thinks it's fun and she happily participates in it all. She's even the Activities Director of our local Tri-Ess chapter!

[BarbaraTalbot]

I figure helping me shop, making me up, adjusting my wig, helping me figure out what heels go with what, deportment coaching, taking my pictures, telling me how pretty I look (even when I've asked for the umpteenth time) bearing my children and teaching them tolerance with love, forgiving my trespasses into the lingerie drawer, and other more personal affirmations would make me one of the lucky ones.

Can anyone give me any hints on how to get more out of this woman?

[Kaila]

I told my wife after we had been married for 20 years. She was very concerned at first but she has come to understand it as something that I need to do. She has become supportive and we go shopping together ( I'm in drab mode) and she will point out clothes that she thinks will look good on me. I dress a few nights per week and she does not have any problem with seeing me dressed. And yes I thank her as often as I can. She is one in a million. :love:

Kaila

[Sandra]

I voted for the last option I've was told about Nigella about 6 months after we got married, it was hard and after a few years things came to a head won't go into detail just post the link here (http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showpost.php?p=610477&postcount=1)

[Jocelyn Quivers]

I voted the last choice. I told my wife while we were still dating. Somtimes she actually prefers my femme side to the male one. Jocelyn

[Mitch23]

Told my wife 6 months ago after 13 years. She has been very unsupportive but quite rightly so, she is hurting and was lied to. I detect a slight softening in her attitude, she is getting used to the idea, that I need to have these times, that I do have friends who are CDers, that I do go out dressed but I have to give her time and space. I love her to bits and am amazed that she still wants to be together

Mitch

[Lilith Moon]

My wife bravely tries to be supportive but is very much emotionally troubled by it. As a result she tends to pendulum between a sort of strained acceptance and downright rejection. We are in a sort of relationship stalemate where we go two steps forward and then two steps back, getting nowhere as the years roll by.

And yes, we had been married for many years before I came out to her.

[Marcie's GG]

For anyone who has just discovered their husband's other side (fem) at first it is difficult to understand but if you loved your husband before, believe it or not he is still the same person. In my case I was afraid of losing him because of discovering this about him but if you give it a little time you will realize you will only become closer than ever because you now share your lives totally..it is the secrecy that is harder to deal with. Just hang in there and things will get better..they did for me and now we are closer than ever before..

I hope this helps someone out who is on the fence about accepting their CDer because when you love someone what they wear doesn't matter, its their being there for you during the good and bad times of life, and in the scheme of life this is really small in comparison...

Just thought I would add we have been married 20 yrs and he came out almost 10 yrs ago to me and . so I have had a while to live with him and in the beginning it wasn't an overnight success but if you love each other it is worth hanging in there, I am sure I do things that he didn't understand at first either so it is really a give and take just like any other part of marriage..

[Veronica Fallon]

For anyone who has just discovered their husband's other side (fem) at first it is difficult to understand but if you loved your husband before, believe it or not he is still the same person. In my case I was afraid of losing him because of discovering this about him but if you give it a little time you will realize you will only become closer than ever because you now share your lives totally..it is the secrecy that is harder to deal with. Just hang in there and things will get better..they did for me and now we are closer than ever before..

I hope this helps someone out who is on the fence about accepting their CDer because when you love someone what they wear doesn't matter, its their being there for you during the good and bad times of life, and in the scheme of life this is really small in comparison...

...spoken clearly & succinctly. I don't think this simple message can be repeated enough to S/O's just finding out their man is part woman.
Thank you Marcie's GG!!

Pink bear-hugz,

Veronica

[Mary Jane]

My wife is tolerant but unsupportive. I dress only when she is away from home wich is usually once a month when she is at a monthly club meeting, She does not want to discuss it so I just take what I can get and do not make waves.

[Heather_Marie]

Actively supportive & involved S/O's

I could not ask for a more understanding wife. She is the best. That is a big thing to come to grips with I let her know while we were dating and she though it was odd at first but has no problem what so ever now. We shop for lingerie together, cloths together it is too fun and I love it and her. Thank you oh thank you for letting me be with her.:love:

[starglaze911]

i just recently found out my husband is into CD. I wont lie, it was a HUGE shock to me. I personally would of never thought he was into it. When he told me it was a big issue, not because i had a problem with CD. But because i found him looking at sights... So he kinda got caught... I personally would of liked it best if he would of been upfront with me. We've only been married 10 months... I came on this site, and read a few things about wive's being supportive... I became supportive of him, and we came to a conclusion that he would only crossdress when we were being intimate (at least this be "my" first step) The first few times, was fun... i enjoyed it, and i didnt see it as a problem in the future, while we keep this CD (of his) in our bedroom (home) just for us to enjoy... Well i just started working a week ago, and just caught him Dressing behind my back (just around the house) . And he denied it, which really upset me. I love him, and accepted him in anyway... but when lie's start occuring i dont know what to think anymore...

[prettieboy]

where do i find these understanding gg a true cd never comes out the only xception is an accepting gg

[Sheri 4242]

I'm one of the lucky ones. She looked to date a cder before she married me and her previous boyfriend before me was cder also.

I am one of the lucky ones, too, though not quite in the same sense as Rachel. When my wife and I were dating -- and I told her when I thought we were starting to get "marriage serious" -- my wife wasn't looking to date a CDer. In fact, she knew very, very little about CDing, save mostly comedic roles in the movies (Tootsie, Mrs. Doubtfire, etc.).


I'm extremely fortunate because I have little or no boundaries with my dressing except for permanent body modifications etc, which I also don't want so we're a perfect match in this regard as well as the rest of the things in our marriage.

Ditto!!! Oh' early on we went through some of the typical questions, but my wife became very accepting very quickly. I hesitate to speak for her, but I think she quickly saw (A.) that much of what she really liked about me were extensions of my femme personna -- or of my dichotomous personality, and (B.) we have had very few boundaries. I credit my wife's intelligence for this latter part b/c she saw that the few boundaries we had often were significantly based and with driven purpose -- with that insight, the boundaries disappeared.


My dressing is actually encouraged by her as she thinks it's fun and she happily participates in it all.

My wife often is the first to see when my need to dress is at a higher level than usual and becomes very encouraging. She always happily participates in many aspects of my CDing -- and, in fact, comes up with things I could only dream of ever happening -- like our "wedding" (vow renewal) in Vegas with me as the bride. I never thought this would ever happen, but my wife knew how important it was to me and suggested we "go for it" on one of our trips out there!!!


but if you loved your husband before, believe it or not he is still the same person

Excellent pont!!! My wife realized that b/c I was a CDer, that this fact made me more loveable -- it was obvious that it was responsible for my nurturing and sensitive side!!

[Delia1]

it is so much more helpful when you have a supportive wife as i do. She keeps me right on make up, style, and where i am going wrong.
Regards
Delia

[Robingirl]

This is a very interesting subject. My wife knew about my dressing before we were married about 30 years ago. For whatever the reason, i did not dress at all for the first 20 years after we were married and then about 10 years ago I started again. I usually dress and socialize 2-3 times a month as Robin, but I do not dress in front of her or come home dressed either. It makes it dificult but doable in my case. As long as I do it this way she is tolerant but certainly not supportive. So far it is working okay and I don't anticipate any major changes. Of course I would just love it if she was involved but I don't anticipate that happening. We have over-all a very good marriage and have both made many compromises.

[CJFMix]

I have met my GF in a underground bar , over 23 yrs. ago ...
On that evening , I was wearing ; size C padding in my bra , pantyhose over some fishnets and a short tube skirt ...
We made love on our first night , and been together since !!!

My Cd'ing never was an issue with my soul mate , even in the case we had to meet her friends or family !!!
People have to accept us , just like we are !!!

[Veronica Fallon]

Hi everyone,

Well, no one has posted on this thread for quite awhile, so I guess the poll is over. I myself was surprised at the results. While you all were actively voting, the number of "active/supportive" S/O's hovered regularly at right around 50%. Wow! That's half of those who voted! Now of course that is by no means conclusive of... anything really. :heehee: It only represents those who voted on this particular site. But, it makes me wonder if indeed the tide might slowly be turning for us? I'm gonna choose to think so, & therefore find encouragement for all of us in the results! It seems reasonable to assume that the more of us who are openly expressing our femme aspects to more of the non-CD public, the more acceptance/support we'll realize over time. Makes me wanna put on my prettiest dress & go dance in the streets!! :dancing:

Thank all of you who participated & have yourself a very lovely weekend! And to those who voted in the majority... please do something special for your deserving S/O!! :love:

Happy Hugz,

Veronica