where is it going?

[katrinafltg]

I must admit I'm confused these days. I've been crossdressing since I was very very small. When I was a small child I did not feel that I was in the wrong body. But I did crossdress. It was, and is still a huge turn on, but it has also become a form of self expression. I enjoy being a woman. I've been with girls but in my whole life,I'm 34 now, I've never had a long term relationship with a woman.

Last year I was with a man for the first time. I loved it. And now I find myself feeling very excited when I see a man I like. I'm attracted to other tg's as well. I find myself not caring too much about genetic women these days.

I am not and never will be passable. If you can pass that's wonderful but there are many of us who can't who are women nonetheless.

Of course there is a part of me that just wants to be "normal." To simply be a man. But its so confusing. Having been with a man, a tv and a ts I just don't know if a gg could ever give me the satisfaction I really crave. And I don't want to have secrets.

To me it seems that a life of normality would be one of repression. I see so many bios of tg's who stop repressing once they are divorced and have kids. Its as if they feel that "hey, I reproduced. I've earned the right to be me."

My biggest fear is that I'm becoming some sort of degenerate or pervert. Some of that is social conditioning. It makes us feel that anyone who isn't 100 percent hetero is some sort of freak or screw up.

I keep up a hetero facade but I masturbate exclusively to tg photos. I'm excited by penises and I don't know if I could live the rest of my life without them.

I keep thinking that if I meet the right girl that somehow she can "heal" me. Maybe she could. The thing is that I am emotionally attracted to women but sexually i like guys and tg's. So I just feel real screwed up.

I know none of you can give me the answers. But maybe you can share your opinions and ideas. Perhaps give me an insight into my situation.

I'm so in the middle. I pass as a one hundred percent hetero guy. It would shock the hell out of my male aquaintances if they knew my "other life." However I can be quite femme too. Not in an exaggerated drag queen kind of way either.

I just feel like I'm being pulled in several different directions at once.

Well, thanks for listening

Katrina

[Sweet Susan]

Katrina,
I won't give you that soft soap sap that can be heard. You've got a dillemma on your hands, and you need to deal with it. It sounds as if you know that and are aware of it. That's a good thing. I don't know what you are looking for in a woman, and I don't know what kind of guys turn you on, but I do know that having urges for tg's and guys isn't all that abnormal, and it certainly doesn't make you a pervert. It just means that guys turn you on. Have you ever considered that you might just be gay? That's just an entirely different ballgame, now isn't it?

[Midnight_Minx]

Who knows, maybe you're bisexual, which basically enjoys the fine points of both genders, and sees both as beautiful. My gf is bisexual, and it's not unheard of to have her point out "cute chicks" or nice attire when she sees it. :)

Nothing to be afraid of with it. I say enjoy the hell out of it. :)

Luv

~Viv~

[Sharon]

Katrina,
My first impression seems rather obvious from what you have told us -- it sounds to me as if you're gay or bi-sexual. You say you've been with women all your life until last year, but you don't really say how much you enjoy straight sex. You only tell us you love sex after you've been with another man. This is not a definitive analysis by any means, but it does lead me to my conclusions.
You make a point about telling us how well you pass as a hetero male. Fortunately, as time goes on, and the world slowly accepts alternative lifestyles, there is less and less a need to do this, although many gays do indeed still live in a closet.
No matter how you classify yourself, you're still a man, albeit one who crossdresses. You can save yourself a lot of heartache if you find a way to accept the fact that being homosexual or a transvestite does not preclude this fact. And being gay does not mean that you have to act effeminitely or "swishy." Just keep on being yourself.

It is simple for us to say this or that about who and what you are. Unfortunately we have no idea, other than the little bit you have told us. Go with what makes you happy, not with what you think your friends expect from you. Try not to worry about labels, they only tend to get in the way of happiness.

Good luck to you and may you find what you're looking for. :)

Love,
Sharon

[Carrah]

You're right; your problem is based on societal acceptance. This is a common error among many today; concerning themselvses with what is socially acceptable. However, when one thinks this way it seldom ends with what society thinks; it often evolves into what family, friends, and even the stranger across the street think, as well.

I lived my life this way for many years; doing things that I felt were consistant with extended family values and with society in general, as it pertained to my ethnic background. In other words, what would society think of what I'm doing? Would society consider what I'm doing something a good Italian would do? Is what I'm doing what my extended family; Mom, Uncles, Grandma would all think was something a good Italian son, nephew, or grandson would do? In addition to that I often considered whether I am playing the role of a good parent and of a good spouse properly? Nowhere in there did I ask myself if I was doing the things I wanted to do or the things that made me happy; those things were never relevant for some reason. How odd is that?

Finally, one day, I woke up - late in life. I was 41-years-old when it happened. I suddenly looked around and realized I hadn't lived my life as I would have for many, many years. During my entire life, I had lived and made decisions based upon what nearly everyone else thought would make sense and the entire time I was telling myself I was my own person and that I was in control of my life.

I've also come to realize that the so-called mid-life-crises one experiences is not exactly our crises at all, it is really only a crises for all those who have controlled us for so long. The so-called mid-life-crises is actually a person coming to terms with what they've done, why they've done it, who they actually are, and are suddenly finding the courage to make adjustments. Those around us are losing their control over us and this actually becomes their crises, not ours.

What I've done and what I recommend to others is simply this; figure out what makes you happy and do it - just do it. Think about all the things you've always wanted to do and never have done for one reason or another (this will likely be a very long list, so you should start writting them down) and work to make those things finally happen. Start living your own life, disregarding what everyone else thinks including friends, family, and society in general. If you do not feel you can do this easily where you presently live, move! Moving and finding a new job can be a wonderful renewal of our lives; in so doing we provide ourselves the opportunity to begin freshly as anyone we choose to be. You have only one life to live and it isn't a very long one in the grand scheme of things. You may have 50 years left to live or you may only have 5 years left to live.

With respect to human sexuality, recall the words of Alfred C. Kinsey, "The only unnatural sex act is that which you cannot perform." One thing is certain, life is far less complicated than we make it out to be...

[Priscilla1018]

Hi Katrina,

We are what we are the rest is just labels.Follow your HEART,it's the only way I know to find happiness.

Love and Hugs,
Priscilla

[Richelle]

Katrina,

The first thing you must realize is that you are not the only person that has or had these types of feels. The other girls have already given you excellent advise, which I would like to add just two.

The first just accept your feelings for what they are feelings. People go through different phases as they try and find their true self. Second, you continue asking for help from your friends like you did on this thread. Listen to what they say and make decision on what you feel is best for you and what you think society says is best.

Richelle

[katrinafltg]

thank you. It feels good to be somewhere where the reaction isn't disgust or dissapointment. I've spent a great deal of time alone and I think its because I've been afraid of my own sexual nature. And because of pressures from family and society.

I've made a lot of crazy decisions in my life. I think perhaps some of those things happened because I was trying to be something I'm not. Trying to compensate for my queer nature and desires.

I've been in a sort of quagmire recently. Not really going anywhere in life. I've been waiting for some sort of epiphany.

I was hoping for a simpler life. But maybe its me who's been making it more complicated than need be.

Thanks girls.

[Wendy me]

it would be real nice to never be confused or to queistion who or what we are real nice ..........still i am at odds from time to time........and when i just say i am me thats all ......i feel i fit the best ........lables ?????????????? well whose are thay ???????????
what i can say is just be you and that's way good enough .......

[Holly]

Katrina,

These gender issues can get very confusing, can't they? Which path to follow is a highly individualized decision. And sorting through all the options, and emotions can seem daunting. I would offer, as a suggestion, the thought of utilizing the services of a counselor to assist YOU in getting your thoughts and feelings in order. Just a suggestion.

[Nikki A.]

Get some counselling and don't be afraid to seek what makes you happy. If you're gay fine but be true to yourself and whomever you commit to

[katrinafltg]

It seems the conscensus is that counselling would allow me to accept my homosexuality. Well, the conventional definition of a draq queen is that's its a gay man dressing like a woman more for the purpose of entertainment than an identity issue. Yeah right. There's nothing like being a bottom. Its a dance with the universe.

Okay, I'm gay. Fine. I still want to wear panties and get my hair done. Not a leather boy. They can be cute though.

The thing about counsellng is that the people who are counseling are not in my position. The can clinically describe my condition but articulating it is not the same as solving it. Indeed some situations have no solution. They merely are. AT times life is not a problem. its simply existence. And that is beyond mortal expectations. LIfe is grand.

Love
Katrina

[Wendy me]

could just be if you gave the counselling a chance it just might helpe you get a better idear of who you realy are and maybe not fix the whole thing but kinda point you on the right roads..............me yes i am seeing a thearepest ........see talk abought what you are thinking or feeling it helps a lot ...............

girlfreind small steps you will get to were you are going................

[Lycra]

Katrina,
Hon, i know exactly how you feel! i'm gay and a crossdresser but not a drag queen. I crossdress because it expresses the femininity i feel is my true self. Yes, this overflows into my sexuality, which is why i love being the submissive partner in sex with men. i think we get too hung up with labels, especially clinical labels. I don't "pass" as a woman and don't try the way some of the girls do--and my bonnet's off to them if they can pass. but i don't make a big deal about it. i'm gay and very femme and i express both. it's a wonderful way to be. forget the labels and enjoy exploring your OWN identity/sexuality. Just do it safely and sanely, sweetheart.
--kisses--
lycra