MARRIED cd'ers

[Kris]

I was asked to post this..... and I am not going to use any names... but I have become with friends of a cd'er on this site who is married, and loves his wife who is not accepting of his cding.. and they had a long talk last night .. and I believe that she will post on the results of my advice...

GG Women are different than men. We think different, we process different, and we are worried about different things.

When a husband comes to a wife and says, "I am feminine on a certain level and I want to become a woman.. even if it's just through dressing"... most GG's (unaccepting remember) see this new woman as a threat. A threat to the man we married. A threat to our relationship because didn't marry a woman.. we married a man. We LOVE that man. Women like MANLY men... (for the most part) take into consideration that some of us are different - like me.

Women respond emotionally. If you take care of a woman's emotional side..... the majority of the time she will be more flexable. What I am getting at is this......

Take the time to romance your wife.. let her know you still love her. Let her know by your ACTIONS not your words. Buy her something special.. and flowers, take her out to dinner, ROMANCE her.... make love to her.. SLOWLY.. don't be in a rush... take your time. Talk to her - LISTEN to her response. Answer intelligently and with understanding. Let her know that you are STILL the man she married. That the man side of you isn't going to go away. Let her know that this new woman that you have found in you is not a THREAT to her husband and marriage. I have read so many posts that the ladies have posted her complaining that their wifes aren't accepting.. and then some GG's are told they are selfish. That is NOT true.

GG's who were told after their marriage about cding.. are SAINTS... especially the ones who aren't accepting and are trying to hang in there. They didn't GET A choice, because they weren't told BEFORE the marriage about the "other woman." Therefor the "other woman" (who you dress into) is a threat to their marriage. Love your wife, be honest with her, tell her that you aren't going to leave her (if you aren't) let her know that you haven't changed, you just found and are appreciating another side of yourself. Make sure that she knows that she will still have the man that she married - sometimes. Then try to negotiate on what is acceptable to BOTH of you. STICK TO THE PLAN....... Don't change it without discussion. We ALL change with time, and you may desire to dress more than before but TALK about it.....

The way to get most GG's to be open to what you want or need.. is through taking care of HER emotional side. Most women are emotional beings. If you make her feel loved and most important in your life..... she will ALWAYS be more willing ... If you say, "you are selfish, you don't accept me for me, you don't really love me.. etc." What a woman hears is, " I am not the man you married, I have changed. If you don't accept me, I will leave you. This other woman in me is more important than the love I have for you."

Does that make sense? I am going to leave it at this...... I am going to let the girl who I told this to answer this post..... and you can see yourself if it works. If it doesn't.. then I guess I am one of a kind.. but I know what would work for me, and for many of the GG's that I know.

But hey.. we might be all odd ducks.

Kris GG

[Mitch23]

wise words - I need to keep hearing this for when the pink fog overwhelms me ...

Mitch

[sissystephanie]

Kris, you said a mouthful. And I mean that in a nice way! I am, and have been all my life, a CD. Now I am a widower, after 49+ years. I told my fiance before were married, and her response was, "as long as I am the woman you love I don't care how you dress." That was what I was hoping to hear and our 49+ years bears that out.

I have always said that the wife should be told ASAP, preferably prior to marriage. But even then, the CD has to remember that she, the wife, is the important woman in his life. His feminine self is important to him (mine is!), but his wife is, or should be, even more important. Love and respect your wife as you should, and she will most likely love and respect you.

Sissy

More girl than man sometimes

[Kris]

Auntie Mitch,

You're right. Thank you for the compliment, I do appreciate it but I had heard so many GG's ask what they can do when the pink fog over takes their mate.. and I don't think there is anything THEY can do.....

I just know my one friend wrote me and talked about a long talk he had with his wife.. where she said, "I miss my husband" and his response was, " I'm here, YOU just have to accept me." They are at a stand still .. and no resolution will come from that. But I am sure my friend will post later.. with the results.

His plans now are to make a special date with his wife, and pamper her.. pay attention to her emotional side... and my hope is that she will not feel so threatened.

We'll see!

:hugs: Kris

[NovaScotia]

Thank you for the information. I appreciate that you did it for your friend, because it seems to be very good advice. I am struggling with how to broach the news to my wife. The information, especially the listening part, is very good...now if I can do it with gentle finesse.

[KandisTX]

Excellent post Kris,

too many times a male (CD or NOT) will forget that one of his most important jobs as a husband is to treat the wife as a woman. To show her that romance is still alive, that she is still desireable. We, all of us, should take some time each month, week, to show that we are still the men they married and that we still find them as irresistable now as we did in the beginning.

Now, I know some of my sisters are shaking their heads because they are able to "live" dressed. But my dear sisters, do you not think that your wife deserves to be the one who feels just as pretty as you feel when you're all dressed up? Feeling beautiful does not necessarily mean getting dressed to the nines and all that. It could be as simple as a quiet romantic evening of dinner and a movie at home, or maybe some quality special time at the spa where SHE (your wife) is the one getting all the pampering and stuff done.

The ladies in our lives, especially those that are as accepting and understanding and supportive as many of ours are, deserve to know that we do indeed value them, and love them very deeply for all they do for us. ;)

Kandis:love:

[Julie York]

So.....it's exactly like when you are trying to get her to have sex then?

Dinner, flowers, romantic music, massage.....tell her you love her......


Got it.:thumbsup:





:D:D

[Kris]

So.....it's exactly like when you are trying to get her to have sex then?

Dinner, flowers, romantic music, massage.....tell her you love her......


Got it.:thumbsup:





:D:D

Julie,

At first I read this and thought.. how insensitive! Please tell me you are playing?

And the answer is no, not when you want her to have sex.... You have to SHOW with your actions that you love her.. NOT just do some stuff... and then tell her you love her.. and expect her to put out...

This needs to be a long process.. of showing her that she is # 1 in your life. Respecting the agreements that you make, and LISTENING with love and attention. If you do this temporarily, and just expect for her to be accepting, you're barking up the wrong tree and she wont trust your words. She has to believe that her emotional needs are cared for and valued.. and lets face it.. talk is cheap.

Kris GG

[tommi]

Thank you Kris for the great advice.
Having recently gone thru a blow up followed by our 14year anniversary every now and then we all need to be reminded to take the time with those special to us.

[switcheralso]

Great advice!

Since I have told my wife about my C/D I have made an effort to take care of her needs and desires.

[Joanne f]

Very wise words and i have to agree with them all ,



joanne

[Kris]

Great advice!

Since I have told my wife about my C/D I have made an effort to take care of her needs and desires.

When you make that effort consistantly... she will be more willing to accept you.

I am GLAD that you are doing that. It makes my heart warm.

Kris GG:hugs:

[vikki2020]

Hey Kriss, great post.I told my wife about 3 months ago, and she's not thrilled, but not unaccepting either.Were working on it.You have some really good advice there, thank you.

[SatinDoll00]

Tonight...I prepared a meal of Filet Mignon with red wine sauce served with button mushrooms, grilled asparagus, and white cheddar mashed potatoes. I had 3 red roses on the table (one for each year we have been married...no it is not our anniversary). I had candles...vanilla scented...her favorite. And the piece de resistance...handmade cheesecake with vanilla bean sauce. She came home from work and was stunned by what I had done.

Later, after dinner...we took a bottle of Asti Spumante into our hot tub and cuddled for about an hour. She went to bed a little while ago...and I think she was completely blown away!

As for me...it was awesome! Being in love with your wife is so much better than just loving her! I really need to do this sort of thing more often...she means more to me than I can ever know!

Thanks for the wonderful post!

Morgan <----puts a little too much garlic in the mashed potatoes and pays for it all night!! :D

[StephanieT]

First my wife does not know and probably never will. It is not that I am being unfair by not telling her upfront. Even though I have done some type of dressing since I was young, I did not dress at all for many years. It is only recently that I have started dressing more and discovering more of my fem side. I won't come out because I don't want to damage our relationship and I have absolutely no desire to go out in public. It is just something I enjoy in private and I am a private person in most aspects of my life.

Being in Love is a wonderful thing. As in all relationships, my wife and I have had our ups and downs as is normal in any relationship. One night we were talking about how many people have fairy tale expectations on how relationships should work based on TV and movies and how these expectations are unrealistic. I then told her that she was my fairy tale relationship and I could not imagine being without her. She melted in my arms. After 16 years of marriage, I do believe that our relationship works well because we compliment each other so well.

[Marcie Sexton]

While there is wisdom to your words, I tend to beg the differ...

I am married to a wonderful woman, who in the beginning had a really difficult time in accepting me, I would suppose that all the typical thoughts ran through her head, but with some long talks and the love and dedication we have committed to 20 years ago we survivrd and now prosper in our new found strength and love.

HOWEVER, and if I read your post wrong or preceived it differently than meant, then forgive me. If I have to buy some ones love, then is it really love ? I think not, sure it is always nice to get that little special thing unexpectantly, but to constantly attempt to "buy", perhaps not in literal terms, but buy the same isn't love, nor will it last...For us there is the peck on the cheek before I leave for work in the mornings, a I love you at the end of a telephone conversation, the picking of a flower from the front yard to give to her, be it a dandilion...

For Marcie's GG and me, well its the hug from behind, the peck on the cheek, the pat on the butt, and the hundreds of other mundane things in others eyes that continue to show each other our love and dedication. I for one had a "material" girl who made it very clear and showed exactly what she wanted in our relationship, finally ending in divorce, because at the time I couldn't provide the brick house with the white picket fence...

Communication, dedication, honesty, and especially love is all that is needed to survive the difficult periods we have needed and sure that little special thing every now and then, but bought love isn't love its just another item with a price...

Again if I read your post wrong please forgive me, but I for one consider the simple things in life the glue that has made our marriage a success... the thought, the understanding, and the realization that, YEP I love you honey, all with nothing more than eye to eye contact.

[Karren H]

Well I can't even remember what romance is let alone sex!! Hehe. And we were never that much into sex anyway.. But she still loves me as her husband, she just doesn't appreciate my "hobby".. So as long as I keep it out of her face, she's a happy girl!! Were both happy girls..

Happily married for 31 years and counting... What's worked so far is good enough for me!

Karren

[Trinni]

First my wife does not know and probably never will. It is not that I am being unfair by not telling her upfront. Even though I have done some type of dressing since I was young, I did not dress at all for many years. It is only recently that I have started dressing more and discovering more of my fem side. I won't come out because I don't want to damage our relationship and I have absolutely no desire to go out in public. It is just something I enjoy in private and I am a private person in most aspects of my life.

Being in Love is a wonderful thing. As in all relationships, my wife and I have had our ups and downs as is normal in any relationship. One night we were talking about how many people have fairy tale expectations on how relationships should work based on TV and movies and how these expectations are unrealistic. I then told her that she was my fairy tale relationship and I could not imagine being without her. She melted in my arms. After 16 years of marriage, I do believe that our relationship works well because we compliment each other so well.

I have to agree with your post. My wife and I have only been married for 5 years but we were together for 5 years before we got married. We also compliment each other very well. We seem to have the same thoughts at the same time and out of the blue, call each other at the same time. We have that radar love even though we are not far apart. I love my wife and children more than anything and will do anything to make them happy. There happiness is what make me happy. CDing is something I enjoy but not nearly as much as my family.

Even with that, Kris I think it is great you took the time out to write this thread and I feel the way you stated it was excellent.

[Babette]

Kris GG

Thank you for your insight and wisdom on this delicate matter. There is no such thing as "one size fits all" when it comes to relationships. Your advice however, is one that I generally follow and recommend.

As I read the posts on this forum, I often wonder about the full details that are responsible for the successful and not so successful relationships. CD'ing is a "speed bump" per say, that depending on how hard you approach it, can either be something to overcome or it will derail the whole train.

Here is is a concept that works the best for me. Again, the "one size fits all" rule does not always apply. I feel the number one thing that seems to strengthen and motivate most relationships, whether it be with your SO, friends, coworkers, etc, is to appreciate them. When it comes to your wife/SO, appreciation is more deeply translated to love. By the way, appreciating her only in your mind does not cut it. Hint: it helps to show or express that appreciation in a meaningful way.

OK, you have probably heard people say that a relationship is a give and take situation. Well maybe you have not heard this. Some do say, "I do all the giving and she/he does all of the taking." The resentment is so thick with this statement that you can almost feel it in the air.

Most everyone would like the "give and take" to result into good things and not resentment. So why not make the giving aspect fun instead of drudgery? A few years ago, I was really troubled about what to give my wife for our anniversary. I included a note with flowers sent to her office that said, "Don't be late from work. Your bags are partially packed and you will have 30 minutes to finish. You are about to be kidnapped for an unknown destination. Happy anniversary." Talk about sparking excitement. In this case, I had a lot of fun with the giving and we had a great time with each other. As far as the taking is concerned, she has had a devilishly good time paying me back with mystery.

When it comes to CD'ing or any other pursuit, what works in our relationship is not going to work the same for others. The thing that will work is compromise. Everybody, including me, has to find some "middle ground" with polarizing issues. Try working on your giving and appreciation if you want to see that middle ground move. Always remember to approach it with fun.

Take care.

Babette

[Sarah Rabbit]

When you make that effort consistantly... she will be more willing to accept you.

I am GLAD that you are doing that. It makes my heart warm.

Kris GG:hugs:
I don't know Kris. I remember reading in a GG magazine. A woman who complained that her husband every Friday night, brought her a small gift, woo'ed her with flowers, lit the candles and ran the bath for her. After a while it became boring to her. In this modern age of enlightenment, we,born of the XY, are to be sensitive enough to feel for another persons pain, but strong enough to ward off all manner of danger when it arises. Be Chivilary enough to open a door for a lady, only to be abused for not recognizing their equality, but be made to feel crass when we did not offer her our seat on a packed train. Life as a GM is hard enough in this great modern age of sexual equality. But throw in the added complexity of Transgenderism, and you can expect the odd problem or two.

Sarah R. :bunny:

[Kris]

None of which I disagree with...... I wanted to say.

No there is no "one size fits all" and I want to make that clear that this might not work for everyone...... some people have hang ups and ideas that are ingrained and they wont break free. That is a given. However, I hear the same things from where the cd's post, and the GG's.... and how they both feel.. I was trying to find a compromise .. a way that cd's get reminded not to get stuck in "pink fog" which is easy to do.. and GG's to be reminded that if they are having issues with it.... they STILL have their husbands.

Now, come on....... get REAL here.. yeah doing the same thing to appreciate and show your affections for your SO would get boring if it was the same thing each time... but LADIES - YOU are the most creative and imaginative people on this EARTH..... you can't tell me for one minute with a straight face that you can't come up with other ideas.... That is absurd. :tongueout I know better and I am relatively new to this scene!

Now as far as material things and showers of affection.. I didn't mean to do something expensive.. it can be anything, once more you are creative ladies... do whatever it takes. Make her smile by putting a note on her pillow telling her you love her. Make a point of once a day finding 3 things that you really count on and appreciate about her.

Once I left my ex husband and we had NO money.. I had four children.... I couldn't give them a traditional Christmas.. so we made coupons... that said things like.. I will do 1 chore for you when YOU don't want to do it, I will do your laundry,I will make your bed, I will cook dinner, I will rub your feet or your back, or whatever........ and honestly we had more fun with that then a bunch of toys...... because it lasted longer and made us think about what family meant to each other.

None of this is for everyone. I am not pointing fingers and laying blame at all. My thoughts are just to maybe give a few ideas for those who are struggling.. and if I was a wife who was struggling with this but TRYING.. hanging on for dear life because I love my husband..... I would want to know that they are STILL my MAN.. at times.. and that his cd'ing wouldn't take that away from me. I would want to know that I can still count on them.

With that being said...... I am really into a lady.. someone who is a cd... I think it is sexy and attractive.. etc....... that thought just gives me shivers. So this isn't from experience with this particular "bump" as you called it in the road.. it's general.. and it can be used in many different situations.

Another thing I might add is that ALL humans can change behaviors with positive reinforcement. Not just children per say... Everyone likes to be complimented and validated and have their life noticed by the ones that we love.. the ones important in their life.. EVERYONE..... and it's EASY to get people to change their behavior by noticing the GOOD things they do, instead of the bad. I know when you are really frustrated, it's hard to find good things when it feels like your world is crumbling....... but there is always SOMETHING....

Wow, I feel like a doctor or something! LMAO...

Thank you EVERYONE for your responses and opinions.. I am really grateful that this thread has received so much attention and thought.... that is EXACTLY what I wanted.. to provoke thought.. and consideration for others wants and needs. Sometimes I read what is being posted and it's sad.. that couples are so unhappy but what they really want is validation and understanding and they really aren't that far apart on their needs.

Gosh I am long winded, so sorry but thank you if you read this whole thing.

:hugs: Kris GG :love:

[Karren H]

Hey your talking to Miss Creativity here.. Who else would buy their wife a new ironing board AND a mini L-ion screwdriver for her birthday?? Hmmmmm? Now that what I call love!! Lol

:D

Karren

[KimberlyS]

Great advice Kris.

[chrissietoo]

With that being said...... I am really into a lady.. someone who is a cd... I think it is sexy and attractive.. etc....... that thought just gives me shivers.

:hugs: Kris GG :love:

Great advice Kris, and thank you for caring so much.

The only thing I would add is that it is helpful for us to remember that the woman who fell in love with us also fell in love with the woman inside us. Maybe she doesn't know what this woman looks like, but she has always felt her in her heart.....it's just a matter of getting to know her in the flesh. :love:

chrissie

[Nigella]

The one thing I like about this thread is the response "one size doesn't fit all" and that is true.

There is so much that makes a relationship work, and the goal post are constantly moving. As the relationship developes, what worked in the past, may be the catalyst for disaster now.

Each and everyone of us needs to examine our lives, loves and desires and find a suitable response for all concerned.

So no, whilst "one size doesn't fit all" at least it is a starting point.

[Kris]

Great advice Kris, and thank you for caring so much.

The only thing I would add is that it is helpful for us to remember that the woman who fell in love with us also fell in love with the woman inside us. Maybe she doesn't know what this woman looks like, but she has always felt her in her heart.....it's just a matter of getting to know her in the flesh. :love:

chrissie

Honestly I believe that you ladies are more caring than the MACHO type... and that more than likely was one of the factors that she fell in love with when you .... (Whatever your relationship is)

So I so believe that you are 100% correct.. in that she just might not have ever SEEN (visually) that side before.

Kris GG:hugs: and :love:

[TxKimberly]

OUTSTANDING advice! To be honest, even with all of my talk about appreciating your wife, and I often fall well short of this and need to work on it a touch!