SO says "get dressed" yet...

[Amanda Shaft]

This was the third time my SO has seen me dressed, and last night it was at her suggestion! However some how since I’ve shown myself to her I’ve become less confident about my appearance and any ability to pass! I know passing doesn’t matter to everyone but it does to me so bear with me. I’ve been out a few times and think I’ve got away with it but now when I see her looking at me I feel more self conscious, less assured and its making me doubt. Do you think it’s just because she see’s me as her man in a dress or that I see myself as her man in a dress or what? Maybe I’m just as uncomfortable with this new freedom as she is? I thought all I wanted from her was to give me leave to dress in front of her but somehow it seems I still need more: self, self, self I know! I think I want her to encourage me, sort of bolster my confidence or something, to tell me I look fab! Perhaps I’m looking for something that will take a little while to come about, but I no longer feel like a princess more of an old trout. Am I just being a complete arse?
Yours (not being thankful for what she’s got) Amanda

[sandy1975ad]

Hun had the same kind of feelings the first few times with wife----time will take care of it---enjoy the fact she's with you on this

[Toyah]

I think you answered your own question there
acceptance from a SO is one thing for her to say ohhhh you are the bell of the ball is something completly different
As for passing forget it you will always be seen its your attitude that will get you through

[Kristen Kelly]

I went through the same thing in the beginning with my GF, she has to adapt to seeing you that way, I didn't get encouragement but comments, “A real woman your age wouldn’t dress like that”, “ Why do you have so many clothes It’s not like you doing this all the time”. I gave her answers, In her own way it was a lot to accept at once, and I think she thought I looked a little to good at times. Just be patient.

[Di]

My:2c: Just by your saying..."Yours (not being thankful for what she’s got) Amanda".....shows me you really are thankful:hugs:
And....as Sandy said it will take time.

Since this is a new thing ( and congrats btw) between you two.......I have heard from other couples...just what you describe.........never knows how to act...it is akward.....she sees you as her guy...cause thats how she has always known you....and you prob feel like her guy...for the same reason.......But the good news is....you both are trying....and it will work itself out:D

[Rachel Morley]

By your own admission passing is an issue for you, and perhaps you have realized that no matter how good you look and act you'll never pass as far as your wife is concerned. She's always going to see the boy underneath because she knows you and your own personal signals. (that's how it is for me and my wife)

I guess what I'm saying is, do you think it's possible that your feminine perception of yourself has had it's bubble burst by knowing that you will be reminded by your wife (consciously or unconsciously) that you are not what you feel you are inside .... a woman?

[camera_laura]

This was the third time my SO has seen me dressed, and last night it was at her suggestion! However some how since I’ve shown myself to her I’ve become less confident about my appearance and any ability to pass! I know passing doesn’t matter to everyone but it does to me so bear with me. I’ve been out a few times and think I’ve got away with it but now when I see her looking at me I feel more self conscious, less assured and its making me doubt. Do you think it’s just because she see’s me as her man in a dress or that I see myself as her man in a dress or what? Maybe I’m just as uncomfortable with this new freedom as she is? I thought all I wanted from her was to give me leave to dress in front of her but somehow it seems I still need more: self, self, self I know! I think I want her to encourage me, sort of bolster my confidence or something, to tell me I look fab! Perhaps I’m looking for something that will take a little while to come about, but I no longer feel like a princess more of an old trout. Am I just being a complete arse?
Yours (not being thankful for what she’s got) Amanda

My :2c: is to count your blessings.
IMHO acceptance is *far* better than passing.

[Billijo49504]

I really think you should let her help you make yourself more passable. Remember the GG's are more comfortable with makeup and deciding what needs to be done to be passable, and she can help you get there...BJ

[camera_laura]

I really think you should let her help you make yourself more passable. Remember the GG's are more comfortable with makeup and deciding what needs to be done to be passable, and she can help you get there...BJ

I agree. When I do get to see my GLF (Genetic Lady Friend :heehee:) who lives in The Windy City, I watch very carefully when she applies makeup (which isn't often as she only applies it when we go out someplace special) hopeing to pick up some tips. She appears to be noticing my keen interest and she my be close to asking "the big question". Since she does know CD-ers, all of whom are gay (that is *not* a judgement on my part) I'm not sure how she will react. I know that she won't question my true gender orientation. She is probably the most open person I know. Why do I still :worried:

[Val702]

You got an excelent SO there. Looks like you are like the kid who decides something is uncool cuz her parents are cool with it. You look totaly girly, way more than me. So don't wory about it.

[Sally24]

She may get to the ecouragement stage, she may not. You just have to learn to "accept" whatever she feels comfortable with offering you in the way of support. I know that my wife is very supportive but isn't always as enthusiastic as I would like. Well, you know what? I'm not writing the script for her life! I try my best to make her feel comfortable with this. We keep Sally seperate from S***** in many areas including romantic things. And I try not to talk about CD things all the time, which can happen if I'm in a chatty mood.

Just do your best to accomadate her and make her feel as comfortable as you can. You'll have to learn to deal with your own feelings too.

Good Luck!

[BarbaraTalbot]

Had the same kind of feelings the first few times with wife----time will take care of it

I am getting mud more comfortable as Barbara in full battle dress or not. The other night I left the scruff on my face (which she likes) and putt on a nighty she bought me. Seemed a little weird, but OK.


acceptance from a SO is one thing for her to say ohhhh you are the bell of the ball is something completly different.

Exactly. I talk to Dee about this and my neediness for compliments. A side benefit for both of us is I have come to realize how seldom in the past I expressed vocally my admiration for her.


I went through the same thing in the beginning with my GF, she has to adapt to seeing you that way....

Mine still can always see me through the thickest make-up, But has started to see me as also being Barbara. Heck, at this point she does a better ob of looking past the "Dude" and choosing to suspend disbelief than I do. Self acceptance is more the issue here. You can put yourself in her shoes and imagine what she sees so through that perceived mirror of yourself, you see the real degree to which you pass to yourself.


I really think you should let her help you make yourself more passable. Remember the GG's are more comfortable with makeup and deciding what needs to be done to be passable, and she can help you get there...BJ

It has made an amazing difference having Dee help me. I went from not really sure if I wanted to fully dress if I was just going to look silly, to feeling pretty confident dressed. And no it is not just the esteem boost. If I can locate a before picture, the difference has been remarkable.


You just have to learn to "accept" whatever she feels comfortable with offering you in the way of support.......Just do your best to accommodate her and make her feel as comfortable as you can. You'll have to learn to deal with your own feelings too.

Especially dealing with your own feelings. I have seen many report that they felt less like dressing after the wife knew. I wondered what that was about. (The loss of the naughty factor? Feeling silly now that someone knows? Taking it for granted?) Fairly soon after that seemed to happen to me. Now that I have gone through that stage, I still don't have any handle on why that was.

Last week on several occasions, she encouraged me to get dressed so we could take some pics when I became dis-enchanted with my first couple of previous attempts. I stalled and hem and hawed. WhHen I finally did it, It was wonderful. ~shrug~

[Darla in Pa.]

I Just told my wife last week, she knew but not to the extent that I want to go out. I'm sure it will be a long road for the both of us. I'm sure I will never look good enough, she doesn't think she does *S* but it will all work out sometime. still always going to be her husband no matter what in her eyes.


Darla

[MsEva]

Amanda, you look very cute and very femme in your avatar. Passing is so cool....but acceptance it is the best....good luck!

[Davinnia]

I dressed for the first time in front of my wife last weekend. She also dressed up as though we were having guests for dinner, so I felt very special "arriving" for my first visit. I hope to dress again this weekend & cook a meal, a dream I've long held, to cook as Davinnia.
If I could or wanted to dress every evening after work, I think dressing would become a mundane experience. It has to feel special, after all , what fun would Christmas be if it was every week. I have looked forward all week to dressing again & am very excited by the prospect.
Try to make your dressing with your SO an event, that way you'll feel more fem.& believe in yourself more.
As for her telling you you look fab, does she tell her GG friends they look fab when she sees them ? Probably not , so don't worry about compliments, as long as you feel fab yourself.

[PaulaJaneThomas]

Amanda,

A couple of random thought and observations:

1) Revealing ourselves to those closest to us can be very difficult after many, many years of hiding our deepest desires. Take it one step at a time and don't be too hard on yourself.

2) Perception is a very individual thing. If your wife still sees you as a man it doesn't follow that strangers will see you the same way. Again don't be too hard on yourself.

[CDBarbie]

Remember sweety, You are your worst critic. I have gone through the same feelings. To be honest with the wife it has had it's up and downs. All in all she is amazingly supportive. Only time will will make the two you more comfortable with each other. You can't force it or rush it, But you can, and you must, show and tell her how much you respect, Love and appreciate her in her efforts with you.
In her eyes you will never be a woman, but you may very well become her best "girl" friend, Good Luck!

[CDBarbie]

By the way, Anytime your wife / SO tells you to "get dressed" don't hesitate, Just do it...

[chrissietoo]

.....I thought all I wanted from her was to give me leave to dress in front of her but somehow it seems I still need more: self, self, self I know! Amanda

When we are absorbed in ourselves, there is never enough, always something more that we need. She has given you leave to be Amanda with her. That's a great gift. :hugs:

Now Amanda needs to find contentment in loving her....:love:

Chrissie

[Darlene-VA]

I went through the same thing the first few times in front of my ex, but she supported me and gave hints about what to wear and my makeup which she told me was too heavy and back off the red lips. Eventually it became second nature to be fully dressed in front of her and the other people who know me only as Darlene, it all takes some time

[suzannecarr]

i think you are really passable, very pretty in fact, i think you have that girl next door look down, my wife makes me feel uncomfortable dressed sometimes on purpose, she told me that i didnt look like a female, not two or three weeks later , she was with me when i was mistaken for her lesbian lover!, lol! anyway, again , as far as the look thing, from what i can tell, you look hot!!!! suzanne:love:

[Satrana]

Why are you telling us? Should you not be telling your SO? I think she would want to hear your thoughts, I think she would want to know that you feel uncomfortable. Probably she is feeling uncomfortable too. Would it not be good to sit down and have a chat and exchange notes.

As others have said, forget about passing, acceptance from your SO is far more valuable. Focus on that and communicating your feelings to her. If you can get comfortable presenting your enfemme self to her then your overall confidence will automatically make you far more passable.

[Amanda Shaft]

Thank you all for your thoughts and kind words I do appreciate them.


Why are you telling us? Should you not be telling your SO? I think she would want to hear your thoughts, I think she would want to know that you feel uncomfortable. Probably she is feeling uncomfortable too. Would it not be good to sit down and have a chat and exchange notes.

Your right of course Satrana and I do communicate my feelings to her, our relationship since I came out to her has in someways become closer.

As for the broader issue as to why do I tell you it's simple: I value your oppinions. The community we share through this website provides all of us with a sounding board of expertise and experience that is unmeasurable! Through our common values in humanity and femininity, our diverse cultures and backgrounds we can help eachother in ways that no others can. I envy those younger girls on here for they have this resource available to them at a time in their lives when it will be of most help. I spent most of my life thinking I was a freak and the only one out there! I embrace you now as an orphan would finding their family. Communication remains the key to everything: between us and our loved ones, between us and our confidents, and between us and our gods!

Thanks once again,
a teary eyed Amanda x