It just doesn't ever take a vacation...

[Maggie Kay]

On my usual outing today, I was doing my errands with my SO and walking along the street. Most days, this is only mildly uncomfortable for me because I am dressed only partly en femme. I present like a very sissy male or a really unfortunate looking older woman. I do carry a leather women's shoulder bag. Today, I watched a few people staring at me which was weird but I could handle that too. One woman took such a long look as she passed us on the sidewalk that she tripped on a crack in the way. Another guy in the Post office looked at me like with big eyes like he was seeing a ghost. He did one of those "can't stop staring" things. A clerk says "I can help you, Sir" and I am embarrassed. OK, I have talked about this so many times before and it is a yada yada yada thing now.

The obvious answer is to get over it and ignore them, but I cannot because I don't like how I present either. I am out there in 100% women's clothes but not obviously female. Why? Because I deliberately avoid crossing the line that forces the issue. There is enough ambiguity in my appearance to not cross a line that would put me in that "That man is wearing women's clothes" category. I gotta tell you that this state is just not comfortable for me. I think about returning to male clothes and getting my hair cut short but that isn't possible anymore. I think that OK I'll dive in and go for passing. My SO will not go out with me if I present as an obvious woman. Yet
it is what I need to be. No room for compromise there.

So once again I feel like I am being pressed up against a wall. This condition is relentless. Every day, every minute and everywhere I go, it is there. I sleep with it, wake up with it, shower and get dressed with it, I go to work with it. If I can work. Instead, I camp out on the net, looking for that elusive nugget of truth that will alleviate my condition. I compare every word I speak to determine how female it sounds or rather how male it still sounds. I am constantly checking my reflection in store windows to see how I look. It has gone from GID being a background thing to making my life a background thing. Now that is what I call a disorder...

[Calliope]

Damn, I hear ya, girl!

I was passing just fine ... but, wow, whatta lotta work it required (no HRT or SRS, just 'beauty products'), I got burnt on that and went to 50-50 ??? land, which is where I wanna be ... but, sure enough, the stares increase ... I donno, I guess growing up in the generation gap ('is it a boy or a girl?') makes it easier to occupy that indeterminate space ... kinda glam rock, ya'know?

Flower power, anyone?

[Cara Allen]

Kay,

Do you want to pass? If you do, then don't expect to, if you are going around androgenously. Unless you are very fine featured as a male, this NEVER works. Usually, TG's that don't care about what others think dress androgenoualy, or... people who have to compromise, like for work or because they need to please someone else...sound like you? At work, it can be OK, because people need to deal with you. They might think you're crazy, but they have to at least pretend to get along with you.
When you're surrounded by strangers, you're giving them license to react in ways that might make you feel uncomfortable. You can't completely blame them, because you're confusing them, but they are being rude

[Maggie Kay]

I pass about half the time partly because at 56 it is harder to tell male from female and a lot of women this age dress pretty much like I do. Strangers often call my SO and I "Ladies" Still, much of my frustration is because I cannot take that last step and deliberately try to pass. Being androgenous would be easier if it was a choice from a more feminine possibility. I mean even makeup or lipstick might do wonders for me but that just won't wash if I want to do our family errands with my SO.
I do agree that I am "asking for it" and I really don't like that a lot. However, the only way out for me is to DRAB again and that breaks my heart and I spin into depression.

[Cara Allen]

I pass about half the time partly because at 56 it is harder to tell male from female and a lot of women this age dress pretty much like I do. Strangers often call my SO and I "Ladies" Still, much of my frustration is because I cannot take that last step and deliberately try to pass. Being androgenous would be easier if it was a choice from a more feminine possibility. I mean even makeup or lipstick might do wonders for me but that just won't wash if I want to do our family errands with my SO.
I do agree that I am "asking for it" and I really don't like that a lot. However, the only way out for me is to DRAB again and that breaks my heart and I spin into depression.

To consider drab again should be far from your mind, as far as I am concerned! (by the way, we are the same age! Guess we can teach these younger ones logevity, huh?) She won't allow you to wear makeup? Why? I assume you've had that conversation with her? Do you have transgender friends to go shopping with? Have you considered a transgender group?

[Sally24]

By all means, if your SO won't go out with you if you cross the line then you need to find a time when you can go out like that. Find a support group or a social group or something! This is about your sanity and your life. Try to find some combination that your SO can tolerate, that is enough for you, at least for now. This is all about compromise, but not giving up or in! Good luck girl!

[mistunderstood]

I hope it is ok if I post to your thread,but I understand what you are feeling. I to wake up and feel you do not pass. I also understand how bad you feel all the time, wakeing up and constantly liveing with GID. It wears you out yet you can not sleep. It grinds you down and make your life a living h*ll.
I hope you can find some peace.

[AmberTG]

It's really no fun between the proverbial "rock and a hard place"!
I guess I deal with it better then some others might but I think the anti depressant helps a lot there, I just don't get so far down in the hole that way. Maybe my need is just not as great as some others, that's possible. Not that I stop thinking about it, unless I'm busy with work, I guess I'm just not as driven as I used to be. That may also be because I'm currently taking HRT and something is actually happening for me, that probably takes a lot of pressure off me.
I hope you can find a resting place on this difficult journey of ours.

[GypsyKaren]

Hi Kay

Sounds to me like you're chasing your tail, sounds to me like you oughta pick one and go with it. Should you look this way or that way? Pick the one that gives you comfort is all, I don't think you can go wrong there. It's okay to worry about "passing" (how I hate that word), it's okay to worry about anything, just don't let it rule you, that serves no purpose.

Which begs the question...Why do you have to pass? I mean, it's not a contest, it's not like you'll win a prize or something for being the GGest, the only prize you'll get is the joy of being yourself, and being yourself is freedom, I think that's pretty cool for sure. Stop worrying about how you look, you're an old broad like me and we can still show them kids a thing or two. Just worry about how you feel, do whatever you have to do to be happy, then the rest is a piece of cheesecake.

Karen Starlene

[melissaK]

This condition is relentless. Every day, every minute and everywhere I go, it is there. I sleep with it, wake up with it, shower and get dressed with it, I go to work with it. If I can work. Instead, I camp out on the net, looking for that elusive nugget of truth that will alleviate my condition. . . . Now that is what I call a disorder...

Well enough said. Been in and out of that 'place' a time or two, and its never far away. Right now E therapy gives me a break. Clearly has risks, but the complete overwhelming relentlessness subsides. Just buying time I know. Just buying time.

hugs,
'lissa

[Maggie Kay]

I am so touched by all the responses. Thank you all so much. My situation is incredibly locked in. My SO and I are all we have, we are best friends too. No other social contacts at all. I went to one TS group session held at a therapists office. I was allowed in because the therapist agreed that I am a transexual. I went to one meeting and loved it. I felt at peace for once. However, I ran afoul with the therapist and that makes going back difficult. Also, my SO begged me not to go back. She and I have had the "big" conversation several times over the last seven years. Each time, she reacts to me being a woman by pulling away from me or even to slash at me verbally. After a while, she relents and we return to the way it was before but I make a tiny bit of progress and we continue to pretend it isn't happening.
There is no other group or therapist that is available to me with the restrictions that I have.
She has made it absolutely clear that if I overtly present as a woman, she will not go out with me. I can have dress up time in the house but I have never done that and frankly find it demeaning. There is no one to help me with makeup or hair or clothes selection so I can only do the bare minimum. She points out her displeasure at my wearing underwire bras saying that I should wear minimizers or sports bras to hide my B cup breasts. She has said that she doesn't believe TS exists and will not research it other than the resources in mental illness web sites. She feels I may have been affected by a blunt head injury or some brain damage in my youth. I don't and know it is GID.
You might think that I am being treated badly but I realize that she is trying to stop from losing her husband whom she loves. I love her and want to please her so I fight it along with her. However, the battleground is me and I am getting pretty exhausted.
I am just now on traditional HRT E and Spiro instead of menopause meds with E mixed w progesterone. This does take a lot of the sting out of the issues and for a few weeks after I started Estradiol alone I felt elated. Now I only feel level and not depressed. Prior to the new regimen I prayed to die in my sleep every night. She allows this medication because of it's benefit to my prostate condition and that when I am on it, I am calm and peaceful and when not I get despondent and suicidal.

[Cara Allen]

Perhaps you go back to a therapist for your depression? You really need to do something, because if you don't, she will loose you anyway. There IS hope, and you should seek professional help.


I am so touched by all the responses. Thank you all so much. My situation is incredibly locked in. My SO and I are all we have, we are best friends too. No other social contacts at all. I went to one TS group session held at a therapists office. I was allowed in because the therapist agreed that I am a transexual. I went to one meeting and loved it. I felt at peace for once. However, I ran afoul with the therapist and that makes going back difficult. Also, my SO begged me not to go back. She and I have had the "big" conversation several times over the last seven years. Each time, she reacts to me being a woman by pulling away from me or even to slash at me verbally. After a while, she relents and we return to the way it was before but I make a tiny bit of progress and we continue to pretend it isn't happening.
There is no other group or therapist that is available to me with the restrictions that I have.
She has made it absolutely clear that if I overtly present as a woman, she will not go out with me. I can have dress up time in the house but I have never done that and frankly find it demeaning. There is no one to help me with makeup or hair or clothes selection so I can only do the bare minimum. She points out her displeasure at my wearing underwire bras saying that I should wear minimizers or sports bras to hide my B cup breasts. She has said that she doesn't believe TS exists and will not research it other than the resources in mental illness web sites. She feels I may have been affected by a blunt head injury or some brain damage in my youth. I don't and know it is GID.
You might think that I am being treated badly but I realize that she is trying to stop from losing her husband whom she loves. I love her and want to please her so I fight it along with her. However, the battleground is me and I am getting pretty exhausted.
I am just now on traditional HRT E and Spiro instead of menopause meds with E mixed w progesterone. This does take a lot of the sting out of the issues and for a few weeks after I started Estradiol alone I felt elated. Now I only feel level and not depressed. Prior to the new regimen I prayed to die in my sleep every night. She allows this medication because of it's benefit to my prostate condition and that when I am on it, I am calm and peaceful and when not I get despondent and suicidal.

[Maggie Kay]

Cara,
No way to go back. He stopped answering my emails and my SO also begged me not to go back. I posted the problems with him here in an earlier thread.
I know I am in a tough spot. Letting it out here is all that I have.

[Cara Allen]

I have been to many therapists over a long time. I would make progress, come to a plateau, and take a break. Starting again, years later, I would make more progress, and so on. One thing I found is that there are good therapists, and ...not so good ones. No good therapist would just drop you. He might refer you, but never drop you or ignore you.

Why not look for a therapist who knows gender issues, hon? Don't you want to be happy? If your wife is that dependent on keeping you wrapped up tight, she won't leave you for doing it. If you had a threatening medical condition, let's say appendicitis, and she was afraid of your dying on the operating table, would you still do nothing? Whether she does leave you or not or not, you need assistance. You can be happy. What you are describing is a double bind situation. No matter where you turn, you are bound from making progress. You have described suicidal thoughts. Don't take a gift that god has given you, and squander it. (I mean your life. You are doubly gifted, because you are transgendered, but it might not seem like that at times...) You can be happy. Everyone can. Don't tell your wife, if it will make things worse. This is THE ONLY time I will ever say that, but you need counseling, with or without her blessing, Dear. Promise me you will think about it?


Cara,
No way to go back. He stopped answering my emails and my SO also begged me not to go back. I posted the problems with him here in an earlier thread.
I know I am in a tough spot. Letting it out here is all that I have.

[Maggie Kay]

If there was another therapist in my area, which there is not, I would have sought him/her out. There just aren't any.