Choice?

[Julie York]

I watched a programme on television recently (Sex Surgery Hospital or something) and it was really very moving seeing the amount of distress and yet love and 'big spirits' involved in the family group etc.

But what struck me was that, not only do the relatives and friends go through hell but, in some cases there is an underlying resentment. It is never said (not on the programme anyway) but there is the feeling that this pain and suffering, of losing a loved one, of having to deal with the confusion and embarrassment, is being inflicted on them because the subject has a choice in the matter. "If only they would change their mind....if only they weren't so selfish etc."

I don't know how wide the TS spectrum is. But DO some of you have a choice? Is it an on off switch, in one condition or the other, or is it a horrible grey area where you are miserable for being TS...then made miserable for making people miserable? Or do you have no choice but to transition to be 'complete'.

If it gives clarity to my question......the reason I ask is because as a CD my my brain chemistry changes quite rapidly and markedly from desiring to dress (very infrequently actually) to not wanting to or caring to at all. And when I don't want to or care to at all, it is like I am actually confused as to why I even would WANT to anyway. Like being drugged and waking up. Like being drunk and sober. A completely different mind set.

Is your condition fixed? Or does it move...Do some days you feel as if you have a choice?

[Maggie Kay]

The illusion is that I have a choice. I get up and have to choose what I wear. Mens or womens clothes. Sure I can choose to wear men's clothes and sometimes I do. However, what happens is that choice has side effects in what kind of day I'll have. All day long, I will be confronted with the notion that I am being untrue to myself. I feel that I am lying somehow and wearing a disguise to get along. I inevitably get down or depressed that for the umpteenth time I have betrayed my identity. I am not being me that day. AND why? Because I want to please others as they demand I do. Living for others comfort gets maddeningly hard. They get to live their identity but I don't. They will never know how much anguish, day after day, this burden is. They take it for granted that I have a choice. I have a "choice" to harm myself in this manner. They ask me to harm myself for their comfort and I often comply. I did today.

[Siobhan Marie]

With me, it's there all the time whether I'm awake or I'm asleep. I have to transition to be complete as I'm not right now. There is no on and off switch, sometimes I wish that there was.

My family know about me as do my parents. My family are accepting of me, they know what is coming and as far as I'm aware are dealing with it. I know that my parents are having to come to terms with the fact that they never had a son and will not see their son when I go full time. They do talk when they want to although I don't push it.

I'm still dressing in drab and presenting as a male although I'm currently growing my hair. The situation is far from ideal but it's where I am at the moment and I have to deal with it.

:hugs: Siobhán x

[Leah B]

They get to live their identity but I don't.

I'm not sure that anyone truly gets to live their identity. Everyone, except the crazy, stifles parts of themselves to get along in the world. Everyone also chooses to express parts anyway, or find happy compromises. What's tough about gender is that it doesn't much accept compromise. Male and female are understood as binaries by most, immutable and entirely seperate. Gender variance is difficult to express without isolating yourself.

[AmberTG]

I think that the strength of the TG feelings has a lot to do with discomfort level and how strong or relentless the desire is to "finish the job" My TG feelings are not as strong as some of the members here, I can live without SRS and be reasonably happy. Does that mean that I don't think about it all the time? Quite the opposite, it's just that the need is not as strong in me as it might be in others.
There's no easy answer to the question because everybody's a bit different.

[GypsyKaren]

I've never had a choice, life would be so much simpler if I did. Quite frankly, I had reached the point of either moving forward or dying, it's something I have to do.

Karen Starlene

[Cara Allen]

I think that varies from person to person? For me, it's a dull ache which comes and goes. I cannot be a complete person without some level that will allow me to be female. YEs, it is different for CD's. I used to go back and forth, but not without a deep, depressing undertone to it. I used to hate myself, but never denied it was there, and continuous. The "Made miserable for making others miserable" is what kept me in a CD kind of mode for over 10 years. Also known as Responsibility, or Commitment. In the mean time, one's personality does not change. Damned if you do, damned if you don't.



DO some of you have a choice? Is it an on off switch, in one condition or the other, or is it a horrible grey area where you are miserable for being TS...then made miserable for making people miserable? Or do you have no choice but to transition to be 'complete'.

If it gives clarity to my question......the reason I ask is because as a CD my my brain chemistry changes quite rapidly and markedly from desiring to dress (very infrequently actually) to not wanting to or caring to at all. And when I don't want to or care to at all, it is like I am actually confused as to why I even would WANT to anyway. Like being drugged and waking up. Like being drunk and sober. A completely different mind set.

Is your condition fixed? Or does it move...Do some days you feel as if you have a choice?

[SirTrey]

Being TS is nothing like that. Some days are worse than others, but the need is omnipresent for most of us (at least, I think that's true for others - it is for me). However, in our case, merely putting on "female" clothes doesn't necessarily provide any relief at all. Perceiving myself as female, and expressing myself as a woman, was more what I needed. The clothes are mostly just window dressing, or a means to an end.


Exactly! When I read this, I related to it a thousand percent...It really isn't about the clothes (though they help you TO perceive yourself as your correct gender)...It's about feeling like yourself...and it's SO much more natural to do so....I spent 40 plus years trying to be what I was not for the sake of everyone around Me, and because I was AFRAID to face the humiliation of telling people who and what I really am....No more, life is too short....I HATED being a wife....I LOVE being a husband....Totally different and it's the best relationship I have ever had in My life....Nothing better than loving who you are and accepting it...And I know that not everyone can do that or even WANTS to do it....That's where choice comes in....I made the right one for Me and I like My life much more now....There are many struggles, it is certainly NOT easy....and there ARE grey areas and it can be confusing....But I am getting it on track and knocking those obstacles down....One day at a time....**T**

[Teresa Amina]

"If only they would change their mind....if only they weren't so selfish etc."

Always interesting that their own selfishness isn't recognised. "Suffer for me!" seems to be what they are saying, "How dare you actually want something for yourself!"

[johnni]

I watched a programme on television recently (Sex Surgery Hospital or something) and it was really very moving seeing the amount of distress and yet love and 'big spirits' involved in the family group etc.

But what struck me was that, not only do the relatives and friends go through hell but, in some cases there is an underlying resentment. It is never said (not on the programme anyway) but there is the feeling that this pain and suffering, of losing a loved one, of having to deal with the confusion and embarrassment, is being inflicted on them because the subject has a choice in the matter. "If only they would change their mind....if only they weren't so selfish etc."

I don't know how wide the TS spectrum is. But DO some of you have a choice? Is it an on off switch, in one condition or the other, or is it a horrible grey area where you are miserable for being TS...then made miserable for making people miserable? Or do you have no choice but to transition to be 'complete'.

If it gives clarity to my question......the reason I ask is because as a CD my my brain chemistry changes quite rapidly and markedly from desiring to dress (very infrequently actually) to not wanting to or caring to at all. And when I don't want to or care to at all, it is like I am actually confused as to why I even would WANT to anyway. Like being drugged and waking up. Like being drunk and sober. A completely different mind set.

Is your condition fixed? Or does it move...Do some days you feel as if you have a choice?

I used to think I could block it out of my mind. Maybe I'd purge my things or tell someone I wouldn't dress, but I never was able to completely put it out of my head. I would fantasize about dressing or being a girl constantly. I'd see any woman and would imagine myself as her. I'd see an article that women would have (barret, nylons, shoes, lip gloss, and even tampons) and I'd have to somehow get into my fem self. The urge has become so strong that I'm actually starting to look feminine. I mean I work on it, but I've pierced my ears not 1 time but three on both sides. I've shaved myself and don't intend to let it grow back. I've piered my belly button. I've plucked my eyebrows. I've let my hair grow long so I can use hair accessories. I've got clothes and makeup and anything else I need for this urge. So, my choice is already made...I want and am going to have a sex-change as soon as I can afford it.

[Toyah]

I guess I am very lucky listening to the posts here
I really do have choice I live my life as a guy and Toyah only comes out when I want to relax and chat
She has never caused me any mental anguish at all I guess because I dont want to transition and never will I just dont have that mind set

[GypsyKaren]

I have to agree with Kehleyr, I do feel fortunate now to be who I am, and I wouldn't trade it for anything, I've never been happier in my life.

Karen Starlene

[Priscilla1018]

Me too,all in all,life is good.To answer your question Julie,my choices are only two,transition or die.I am not ready to die,life is just getting interesting.I have to be me on the outside,I have to match the woman I am on the inside.

[cindianna_jones]

I did make a choice to not commit suicide and transition.

I don't worry about choices now. All that crap that used to go through my mind has left the building. Now I just worry about all the normal stuff.

Cindi

[AmberTG]

Amazing how transition can cure Gender Identity Disorder, who'da thunk it?:D

[Sarahgurl371]

If it where a choice, I don't know who the hell would ever choose it from my perspective. If there where a switch I would definitley turn it off. There isn't a switch from what I can tell.

For me, I hardly ever dress anymore. It is just depressing as well. Because my mind is always consumed with questions of my gender and sexuality, and this leads me to feel pretty lousy most of the time, I don't dress because to see the "truth" in the mirror just leads to more depression. The truth is that I don't look like I want to. That it seems no matter how long it takes to get ready, I still look like a man in a dress. Why bother?

Then throw in the questions of "why do I feel like this?", and "what does this all mean?"

If there is any flip flopping in my mind it is between thinking about and trying to accept that I am transsexual, to thinking and hoping that I can make it go away, or at least repress it all for the rest of my life and just be normal, to conform to everyone else's wishes. For my wife thinks this is all a "choice" as well. I am not sure that anyone who doesn't live this could ever understand.

[Maggie Kay]

Tammy,
I felt a lot like you do until I started HRT. Then things got a lot better as far as my own mind went. It did not have any effect on my SO or society but I feel much more at peace now. One of the "symptoms" is the conflict and struggle you face. HRT made it a lot easier to slow my progression and tolerate being kept from full womanhood by them. Someday I will but not now.

[Priss]

I’d have to say, that we were born into this position of choice. As much as we don’t like to admit it sometimes, there is a choice to be made. Not whether or not to be gay, or transgender, but whether or not we will do what it takes to make us comfortable within our own skins. For some of us especially with few ties, it’s a no brainer… For others who have become more shall we say encumbered, it’s not that easy a decision due to all the people around that may be affected by it. Then again, there are others who are able to make the decision, but are stifled by other factors such as money.

That’s how it was for me anyway. It hit me like a ton of bricks one evening, that this was what is going on with me. You know, that moment of sudden crystal clarity… Ohhhhh. It didn't take beiing on hormones, I knew where I was heading long before I started those. What Iam was never a choice, I was just born that way. From there, it was a matter of figuring out whether or not I had the guts to go for it, to live the way that I want to live and damn all the consequences. That’s the choice, whether or not to come out of the closet and live freely. It’s not our fault that making that choice hurts or embarrasses other people. It is our fault however if we stuff it down inside ourselves and later on 20 years into a marriage we explode out of that closet because we just can’t live that way anymore, demolishing the lives of everyone around us. Society really needs to get over the whole ‘alternative lifestyle bad’ thing, and let people start being who and what they truly are without all of the hang-ups.