Walking a tightrope

[helenr]

Quite possibly the effects of my hormone regimen fuel greater introspection. I have always been a transvestite, more transgendered the past decade. I need to stay male to blend in, not shock friends, family, but in my mind and heart I want to be on the girls side, in the girls line. I wear panties, camisoles, ladies' shorts,etc. but have to keep this from being 'visible' , though this is all I see! Since my slight breast development, I have been more aware of young lady chest growth and feel some sadness that that wasn't my lot and realistically can never be.It ain't easy being green. How do others cope with this conflict?hugs, helenr

[AmberTG]

Oh Helen, I so know what you mean! I've gotten to the point where the only way that I can cope is to just let the woman show in places. I'm not very far along in my transition, physically, but I know I can't go back to the old life, so I'm doing the best I can in the "in between" time that I'm now in. The way I dress now, women's jeans, generic Ts, small hoop earrings, longer hair, that gets me looked at a lot, especially sense I carry my fanny pack like a purse. They probably just think I'm some gay guy, I've never had any problems with other people, they might stare, but no one has ever said anything bad so that I could hear it.
I had to do this for me, I'm very non-confrontational, confrontation scares me, it's probably a phobia from childhood, so I knew that I needed to develop a "thick skin". If I ease into the change at just above my comfort zone, I'll make it through physical transition in one piece, mentally. I have to make it work, I can't go back now! I am no longer willing to be that so called "man" that I tried to be for so long. Just thinking about having to go back makes me want to cry. (another fine side effect of estrogen)
I know everyone's different and you have your own coping mechanisms but, believe me, I know how you feel!
Hang in there, you'll be OK.:hugs:

[GypsyKaren]

Hi Helen

I never could deal with the conflict, it was always a lost cause, that's one of the reasons I decided to fully transition. I think you have to find some sort of balance, but I sure don't know how to do that...wish I could be of more help.

Karen Starlene

[helenr]

you are both sweet to reply. I simply don't want to be part of the 'boy's team' anymore. I so gravitate to girly stuff--though I am sure-to use the 'analogy' that the girl's team in junior high wasn't always so welcoming-especially if one were fat, plain looking. I really want to trade my ugly testicles in for some nicer breasts. I wore my microfiber bra today under my knit shirts-I don't have much, but they feel nice in the black slinky bra, it protects the sensitive nipples, makes me feel better , and I believe they show a bit if i don't hunch over. I don't have any 'gut' so the top stands out more-at least in my mind and as I see the mirror.
This morning-after I put my wife on the plane to fly home (I am driving-a long story) I felt the 'need' to put an estrogen patch on-only 50 mg which is probably placebo like in dosage-but helps me mental composure. I want to up my spiro to 50 mg--I had a real problem when I started last january with side effects-and I want to see if i can get it's anti androgen effect working better-no more nocturnal stiffys for this gurl. I know I have to know the sensation of not being able to get an erection before I pursue the orchi-down the road when I am finally sure. is one ever? hugs, helen

[Scotty]

Just enjoy who you are and what you are...
As I said in other posts, I accept that I am a guy, I MIGHT pass as a lady if I spend enough time, but my bo dy is now as femme as most womens minus hte plumbing.

I realize to myself that it's the best it's going to get and I'm going to enjoy it as it is......

I too have to pass as the guy side, so my dressing is mainly night clothes, around the house, bikini for tanning, and shaved legs/panties and sometimes a bra in the winter......

The HRT helped a LOT - right now the dose is so low it's more male than female so the conflict is there but so is the desire to be MORE femme.....

It's a constant battle, just accept it, change what you can, and enjoy the ride - dont' spend as much time thinking about it - spend the time enjoying it!!!

[Ava Darling]

Wow, what beautiful pearls of wisdom all of you have shared here.I am so touched I could cry. So nice knowing you are not alone out there.