HELP Did I do wrong? ...(being honest with children)

[Kris]

I posted this on the thread that brought me to this train of thought and realized I should have started a new thread.. so sorry if I posted the same thing twice.

Is my train of though wrong?
Now I am worried that I have done something wrong......


My kids know of one cd'er in particular that I had spoken to on the phone A LOT...... and I used a "male" name around them. They would answer the phone when she called and her voice was WAY deep (never able to pass as a woman) so they know him as Jeff....

They saw me online, they saw pictures of her dressed, I had her as my wallpaper on my computer for a while. I think she is incredibly sexy and pretty. Yesterday I was shopping and I bought her somethings, that I know would look good on her. We were unpacking the stuff from shopping and my 7 year old daughter picked them up and said, "These are for Jeff aren't they?" I said yes. Her next comment was, " He is a crossdresser and that makes him different but you like him huh momma?" I said yes.

It didn't seem like it was ANYTHING to her.. Like saying that she liked blue rather than black. Her 8 year old brother heard the entire conversation and it was no biggy to him either. Later he asked if he could try the stuff on and teased me about buying lingerie for someone else... he thinks that is pretty funny.

Now, my thought on this is that if I introduce it as a normal part of life, how can I go wrong? How do I give them the chance to build tolerance to others if they don't know that differences exist? My two youngest children are at home. I eventually will feel close enough to someone to bring them home, let them meet my family, and possibly transition them into my family. Should I try to hide this side of my partner? Is it something that I should not have introduced to them? Did I make some horrible mistake already?

Kris

PS. Now I am scared.

[Carin]

She is a smart kid. The wrong thing to do would have been to lie. She already knew about Jeff. What she was talking about was about how you felt. Its Kid language.

Telling a kid about their DAD (or F2M MOM) is one thing. There are relationships to be protected. But introducing the concept from the beginning allows the kids to accept the real Jeff and develop their relationship with him based on reality.

We need to get over the concept that crossdressing is wrong or harmful to children. The harm is done when relationships are broken or trust is lost. But being CD/TG in itself is not unhealthy, for kids or adults.


Now I am worried that I have done something wrong......
...
We were unpacking the stuff from shopping and my 7 year old daughter picked them up and said, "These are for Jeff aren't they?" I said yes. Her next comment was, " He is a crossdresser and that makes him different but you like him huh momma?" I said yes.

Did I make some horrible mistake already?

Kris

PS. Now I am scared.

[Kris]

She is a smart kid. The wrong thing to do would have been to lie. She already knew about Jeff. What she was talking about was about how you felt. Its Kid language.

Telling a kid about their DAD (or F2M MOM) is one thing. There are relationships to be protected. But introducing the concept from the beginning allows the kids to accept the real Jeff and develop their relationship with him based on reality.

We need to get over the concept that crossdressing is wrong or harmful to children. The harm is done when relationships are broken or trust is lost. But being CD/TG in itself is not unhealthy, for kids or adults.

Carin ~

Thanks so much for your reply. I deleted it and posted it on a new thread.. I didn't want to hi-jack this one.

I appreciate what you said though....... because I can't imagine doing it any other way but I hear opinions that everyone wants to wait until they are older.... etc... and I was wondering if there was a specific reason why..

Big :hugs: of relief now.....

Kris

[stephanie100]

Good for you Telling your kids in the same way as if a perant doe not allow their child to play with jonny down the road because he is a differant colour then dont be surprised if that child is racist. :hugs:

[Rachel Morley]

It didn't seem like it was ANYTHING to her.. Like saying that she liked blue rather than black. Her 8 year old brother heard the entire conversation and it was no biggy to him either.......... Now, my thought on this is that if I introduce it as a normal part of life, how can I go wrong?
You can't! ..... go wrong that is. Honesty is the best policy. What you are doing is helping to give the world two young, educated, tolerant, broad-minded, and unprejudiced individuals. More power to you! :clap:

[Zee]

It definately sounds like your daughter was looking for assurance that being "different" is OK. It also sounds like you have one smart cookie there.

Take it easy, answer the questions when they come up, and never underestimate their intelligence. You may have to get on their level to explain an issue, but they will understand.

Being a parent is tough, but when you are honest and open with them, when you listen to their issues no matter how trivial they may seem at the time, you will always have a close family. And isn't that what everybody wants???

[Sally24]

CDing isn't illegal and it cetainly isn't immoral, it's just different. Kids should be gently exposed to all sorts of different things as they grow. My kids started out on a military base when they were young so they had friends who were asian, black, and everything else. We live in a pretty white town now but they accept anyone they encounter in their lives at face value. I think the more kids know about, the better off they are.

Good job!

[Angie G]

I think you did the right thing showing your kids the it's not a bad thing :hugs:
Angie

[Holly]

No Kris, you did fine. The only reason to wait is to allow the child to mature to a level that they will understand what it is that you are trying to tell them. Judging from your daughter's respionse, your timing was right on the mark.

[Elly]

this is exactly what Stacy and i plan to do when we have children, they will be raised with me as me no hiding from the kids, after we have them i plan to start HRT and they will be raised with that in their lives as well like it's an absolutely normal thing because it is... anyway if hate can be taught at birth, can not acceptance be taught from birth as well...

[Rosaliy Lynne]

I posted this on the thread that brought me to this train of thought and realized I should have started a new thread.. so sorry if I posted the same thing twice.

Is my train of though wrong?
Now I am worried that I have done something wrong......


My kids know of one cd'er in particular that I had spoken to on the phone A LOT...... and I used a "male" name around them. They would answer the phone when she called and her voice was WAY deep (never able to pass as a woman) so they know him as Jeff....

They saw me online, they saw pictures of her dressed, I had her as my wallpaper on my computer for a while. I think she is incredibly sexy and pretty. Yesterday I was shopping and I bought her somethings, that I know would look good on her. We were unpacking the stuff from shopping and my 7 year old daughter picked them up and said, "These are for Jeff aren't they?" I said yes. Her next comment was, " He is a crossdresser and that makes him different but you like him huh momma?" I said yes.

It didn't seem like it was ANYTHING to her.. Like saying that she liked blue rather than black. Her 8 year old brother heard the entire conversation and it was no biggy to him either. Later he asked if he could try the stuff on and teased me about buying lingerie for someone else... he thinks that is pretty funny.

Now, my thought on this is that if I introduce it as a normal part of life, how can I go wrong? How do I give them the chance to build tolerance to others if they don't know that differences exist? My two youngest children are at home. I eventually will feel close enough to someone to bring them home, let them meet my family, and possibly transition them into my family. Should I try to hide this side of my partner? Is it something that I should not have introduced to them? Did I make some horrible mistake already?

Kris

PS. Now I am scared.

If we hide life and truth from our children, how will they ever learn tolerance of differences ESPECIALLY if we color it "bad." You did exactly right. It is a normal part of life and differences do exist. Children, especially the very young, are the easiest to teach tolerance and understanding to. Answer their questions about this just as honestly as you would answer them about anything else and they will learn to make their own decisions as to acceptability.

Children do not start out knowing good and bad except at the very instinctive levels that stir fears. WE teach good and bad. We also teach every other value and virtue they should ever encounter in life. We do that part right, the rest will most likely fall into proper order. (Note: every rule has its exceptions - that is why lawyers and politicians survive)

[TxKimberly]

For the life of me, I can't imagine how it could be at all wrong in your situation. The only reasons I can think of to hessitate is if your talking about their father. Then you get into head trips about how they view their father, and by extension, perhaps how they view themselves. Even then, I only said you might hesitate because this should be carefully considered and not something you just blurt out.

[GypsyKaren]

Kids pick up everything from their parents, and in this case they picked up a good thing, being open, and you can't go wrong with that.

Karen Starlene

[Elsbeth]

It definately sounds like your daughter was looking for assurance that being "different" is OK. It also sounds like you have one smart cookie there.

Take it easy, answer the questions when they come up, and never underestimate their intelligence. You may have to get on their level to explain an issue, but they will understand.

Being a parent is tough, but when you are honest and open with them, when you listen to their issues no matter how trivial they may seem at the time, you will always have a close family. And isn't that what everybody wants???

Well, I would have written my own post but Zee already summed up my thoughts for me. Thanks Zee!

You are doing a good job with your kids. You are tolerant and open, and so are they are learning to be. It is all good. Just relax and know that you are being a good parent. It will all sort itself out in time. But you have done a great job of preparing them for the world, in all its various permutations.

El

[sterling12]

Telling the truth is almost always the best and only choice. About the only time it may be acceptable, is when we engage in white lies, "Oh the skirt really looks pretty on you,"....when in truth it's God Awful. Avoiding the pitfall of doing more harm and really hurting someone is part of that learning process for children.

Your kids, as evidenced by their answers, certainly seem mature enough to deal with an honest statement about someone's gender status. I can't imagine that if they grow up in a open-minded, non-judgemental environment, it could ever do them any harm.

Most of us would probably be somewhat envious, we never got that kind of treatment. We had to shake off a lot of prejudice and narrow-minded thinking before we could begin to learn how to be adults.

I certainly would not be concerned, you are probably giving the kids a wonderful gift.....the gift of tolerance!

Peace and Love Joanie

[Chantelle CD]

I think you did a great thing too, the only thing i may feel a desire to say is your son being only 8 years old may form a bond with this CD friend, and want to emulate him, and become a CD himself. Has he show any signs in his 8 years, of being gurly or showing traits of a CD at that age at all? now he knows of CDing, understands it, a little time to see if he desires to be like one, Maybe holding off on exposing him to your friends dressing, until you are sure he is safe to make his own decision without influence. Other than that you made a awesome motherly decision in telling them what you did, it totally will help shape there understanding of things different.

I hope i said this how i meant it, was hard to get out in words, forgive me if it doesn't sound right.

Good job dear!!!

[Kris]

So many posts to answer.. and thank you so much for them all.

First I want to say that I have a 21 year old son who I believe is a crossdresser... he hasn't come out and said that, but soon enough we will have that talk. Every Halloween that I can remember he has been a woman, hooker, maid, etc. I think it has been a safe thing with him.

Now.. since he was about 6, his sisters dressed him up and put make up on him and did his hair, etc.. he has his ears pierced, etc....... He LOVED that..... Now if one sister was busy the other one did it. (He has 5 sisters - 4 whom are older than he) His "father figure" and I would fight because he would say I was making him or letting him be gay.. and I just thought that was stupid. So, Adam keep on getting dressed up. So if there is a case where my younger son is going to take after someone, it will be his brother IMHO..

However, the little guy is often wanting to dress up like a girl already.... he has done it in the past, he did it last Halloween. (sound like a trend?) I certainly do not believe for one minute that my "friends" have an influence on him. Especially since he hasn't met any in person .. and probably wont for the next couple years or so. I am a strict believer in only letting my children meet those that I plan on having around for a long time, so they don't get attached to people that will walk in and out of my life.. etc. (bad idea of what women are/do) So I hope that helps you understand the position that I am at .. at this point.

I am SO glad that everyone thinks this is not a bad thing... I got kinda freaked out earlier.. reading how some of you ladies don't EVER want to tell your kids, etc. I just can't imagine trying to hide such a big part of your lives from those who you love...... I am not that good of a deceiver.. I always end up telling on myself, so its best that I come right out and say it anyway. :heehee:

So....... thanks everyone and hope you had a great night and a wonderful labor day tomorrow.

:hugs: and :love: Kris

[Chantelle CD]

Wow thx that sheds a lot more light on the subject :)

What you have said is totaly what my sister has said to me for the past week, and helping me with!!!

You my dear i hold up in the same light as she, AMAZING people r u!!!:love::love::love:

[Kris]

Thanks so much for feeling that way about accepting people. I just can't see life any other way.

I tried to talk to my oldest son when he dropped the kids off today. His girlfriend was with him but I tried to bring up the idea of being a crossdresser.. slowly. I asked him what he was going to be for Halloween and he said that wasn't going to be a girl this year because it gets too cold. :sad:

Then his girlfriend said, "Oh Adam, you are such a crossdresser!"

I kinda held my breathe when she said this to see his reaction. I told him that if he is a cross dresser that is okay... and he is lucky to have understanding people in his life. He smiled that smile that kids do when you know they are lying... and they are trying to hide it.. and said, " No momma, I hate to disappoint you."

Now, I know his girlfriends brother is gay, and she is very supportive of that lifestyle, so I do think that if he was seriously a cross dresser, it would be okay. I will wait until we have alone mom and son time to talk about it more.. I wouldn't, except that grin he gets when he is trying to lie to me..... I SO know that look. I didn't want to embarrass him in front of Mandy though..... I have trouble reading her. She has a short cut way about her, yet, laughs when we say something in a dry kinda way. She doesn't smile a lot.

We'll see.. he is just 21.

Kris:hugs: