Julie
03-23-2005, 01:07 PM
I've been away for quite a while, mostly because there's been so much going on in my life - divorce, splitting up posessions, coping with a son who won't talk to me, dealing with HRT and to transition or not and most recently developing a relationship (just friends) with a super special lady.
When I entered into believing I could transition I thought this would be the answer to all my problems. What I didn't expect is it only created more and solved none. I found myself forging ahead anyway with HRT and planning the surgeries I would have in the future, FFS and finally SRS. But something was eating away at me. What I finally realized is I don't believe I could successfully transition. To me success would only be attained if I was perceived by all as being female. With my physical characteristics that hormones won't change and surgery can't change, I could never achieve this 'success'.
Then one day I decided to abandon the idea of transitioning. Immediately I felt a huge sense of relief. I had been forcing myself to continue on a path I really never felt comfortable taking. Yes, in the beginning I was all excited and fully believed I could do this but after the initial 'high' wore off I began to have doubts. I was told this was natural so I kept on the path but this nagging doubt wouldn't go away. The day I finally accepted the fact I can't do this I realized I was happier just as I am.
I still want to laser my beard and chest hair. I still want to look as good as possible when dressed but I just don't want to spend $100,000 and then discover I am seen as a man who had surgeries to look like a woman. That's all too depressing. And the thought of permanently alienating my son made it all the more so. So I have chosen to remain the way God made me with a few harmless alterations.
Transitioning, I discovered, is a multi-faceted quest. It's not just simply taking hormones, getting rid of male body hair, learning to talk and act like a woman and going through the necessary surgeries (okay, that's not really 'simple'). There's so much more. What effect will it have on your family and friends? Who will you lose forever? How are you going to support yourself? How will you respond when you get read? What will your life be like in a year or ten years or twenty? Will you truly be happy after it's all over and you have settled into your new life?
I have spent over 50 years being male. I have learned how to act like a guy even if it didn't come natural. I walk and talk and interact like a typical guy. It's what I know, it's how I grew up, it's a culmination of a lifetime of learning. Now I have to unlearn all that and learn to be a woman? For me, that's too much. It seems like I'd be a phony trying to pass myself off as female. And I really don't have the desire to be someone else. I like me. So that's how it will stay, for now. Maybe I'll have some enlightenment or some life changing expereince that will open my eyes to another point of view, but I doubt it.
You can call me Julie or you can call me Jim but don't call me for surgery. This body is staying just as is.
As for that special lady, I'll cover that in the appropriate section. :rolleyes:
When I entered into believing I could transition I thought this would be the answer to all my problems. What I didn't expect is it only created more and solved none. I found myself forging ahead anyway with HRT and planning the surgeries I would have in the future, FFS and finally SRS. But something was eating away at me. What I finally realized is I don't believe I could successfully transition. To me success would only be attained if I was perceived by all as being female. With my physical characteristics that hormones won't change and surgery can't change, I could never achieve this 'success'.
Then one day I decided to abandon the idea of transitioning. Immediately I felt a huge sense of relief. I had been forcing myself to continue on a path I really never felt comfortable taking. Yes, in the beginning I was all excited and fully believed I could do this but after the initial 'high' wore off I began to have doubts. I was told this was natural so I kept on the path but this nagging doubt wouldn't go away. The day I finally accepted the fact I can't do this I realized I was happier just as I am.
I still want to laser my beard and chest hair. I still want to look as good as possible when dressed but I just don't want to spend $100,000 and then discover I am seen as a man who had surgeries to look like a woman. That's all too depressing. And the thought of permanently alienating my son made it all the more so. So I have chosen to remain the way God made me with a few harmless alterations.
Transitioning, I discovered, is a multi-faceted quest. It's not just simply taking hormones, getting rid of male body hair, learning to talk and act like a woman and going through the necessary surgeries (okay, that's not really 'simple'). There's so much more. What effect will it have on your family and friends? Who will you lose forever? How are you going to support yourself? How will you respond when you get read? What will your life be like in a year or ten years or twenty? Will you truly be happy after it's all over and you have settled into your new life?
I have spent over 50 years being male. I have learned how to act like a guy even if it didn't come natural. I walk and talk and interact like a typical guy. It's what I know, it's how I grew up, it's a culmination of a lifetime of learning. Now I have to unlearn all that and learn to be a woman? For me, that's too much. It seems like I'd be a phony trying to pass myself off as female. And I really don't have the desire to be someone else. I like me. So that's how it will stay, for now. Maybe I'll have some enlightenment or some life changing expereince that will open my eyes to another point of view, but I doubt it.
You can call me Julie or you can call me Jim but don't call me for surgery. This body is staying just as is.
As for that special lady, I'll cover that in the appropriate section. :rolleyes: