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View Full Version : The TG Roller Coaster Ride



Julie
03-23-2005, 01:07 PM
I've been away for quite a while, mostly because there's been so much going on in my life - divorce, splitting up posessions, coping with a son who won't talk to me, dealing with HRT and to transition or not and most recently developing a relationship (just friends) with a super special lady.

When I entered into believing I could transition I thought this would be the answer to all my problems. What I didn't expect is it only created more and solved none. I found myself forging ahead anyway with HRT and planning the surgeries I would have in the future, FFS and finally SRS. But something was eating away at me. What I finally realized is I don't believe I could successfully transition. To me success would only be attained if I was perceived by all as being female. With my physical characteristics that hormones won't change and surgery can't change, I could never achieve this 'success'.

Then one day I decided to abandon the idea of transitioning. Immediately I felt a huge sense of relief. I had been forcing myself to continue on a path I really never felt comfortable taking. Yes, in the beginning I was all excited and fully believed I could do this but after the initial 'high' wore off I began to have doubts. I was told this was natural so I kept on the path but this nagging doubt wouldn't go away. The day I finally accepted the fact I can't do this I realized I was happier just as I am.

I still want to laser my beard and chest hair. I still want to look as good as possible when dressed but I just don't want to spend $100,000 and then discover I am seen as a man who had surgeries to look like a woman. That's all too depressing. And the thought of permanently alienating my son made it all the more so. So I have chosen to remain the way God made me with a few harmless alterations.

Transitioning, I discovered, is a multi-faceted quest. It's not just simply taking hormones, getting rid of male body hair, learning to talk and act like a woman and going through the necessary surgeries (okay, that's not really 'simple'). There's so much more. What effect will it have on your family and friends? Who will you lose forever? How are you going to support yourself? How will you respond when you get read? What will your life be like in a year or ten years or twenty? Will you truly be happy after it's all over and you have settled into your new life?

I have spent over 50 years being male. I have learned how to act like a guy even if it didn't come natural. I walk and talk and interact like a typical guy. It's what I know, it's how I grew up, it's a culmination of a lifetime of learning. Now I have to unlearn all that and learn to be a woman? For me, that's too much. It seems like I'd be a phony trying to pass myself off as female. And I really don't have the desire to be someone else. I like me. So that's how it will stay, for now. Maybe I'll have some enlightenment or some life changing expereince that will open my eyes to another point of view, but I doubt it.

You can call me Julie or you can call me Jim but don't call me for surgery. This body is staying just as is.

As for that special lady, I'll cover that in the appropriate section. :rolleyes:

Stephanie Brooks
03-23-2005, 01:19 PM
Hi Julie.

Congratulations on being able to see and understand yourself. It isn't easy, no doubt, but it is your life that you live. If you're honest with yourself, you can't do better than that!

Maybe this experience itself takes you to enlightenment.

*BIG WARM HUGGLES* Julie.

Tristen Cox
03-23-2005, 01:32 PM
I hear you Julie, and have been thinking along these same lines myself. Is it worth it and can I ever be truly happy or is it living a lie to myself and believing in something that no matter what I do will never completely fulfill my dream. Like you I still want to do what I can to look as good as possible but I know in my heart I won't destroy my body that God gave me to only find I am not happy in life later. For whatever reason we were made this way. I love ya Julie or Jim, you've been a real good friend since I came here, nothing's going to change that. Finding peace is what I wish for you and anyone in life, so I am very glad to hear you have discovered it. More later.

Love & hugs
Tristen

DonnaT
03-23-2005, 04:34 PM
Wow Julie, that was very surprising!

I had responded to your other thread, but deleted it when I found the answer to my question by reading this thread. I never expected to hear you say it didn't matter if you were dressed and Jim or Julie. Wow.

It appears you are very upbeat about your latest decision, and that's good to hear. As long as you're happy, that's the main thing.

Sorry to hear the divorce has proceeded, but am glad to hear that you've met a special friend.

Hugs

crispy
03-23-2005, 11:21 PM
Sorry to hear about the breaking up that is going on around you. I'm glad for you that we are here and able to act as your sounding board, Julie/Jim. You know how dearly we hold you in our hearts. We will always lend you a sympathetic ear.

I'm sure many of us go through similar agonising about the options, and lose so much in the process. That's the difficult path we all tread. That's why we are a close knit family, for those of us who want it to be like that.

Keep us updated on how you get on, J/J.

Sharon
03-24-2005, 12:36 AM
It's understandable why you haven't been around much lately Julie, what with all the issues you are dealing with. You've been forced to confront many difficult family issues, none of which has been pleasant at all. I truly hope all works out well for you in the long run, even though they must be hell for you right now.
Take care of yourself Julie. It sounds like you're really doing what is best and most practical for you now. Just don't sell yourself short!

Fiona K
03-24-2005, 11:53 AM
Hi Julie,
It's good to see you back here, and to hear you feel you've found a level of contentment.
Fiona
xx

Sierra
03-25-2005, 01:21 AM
Good for you Julie!Who says you have to be all the way to one side or the other,I too do hrt but will remain and retain just as I'am with just a bit more curves.Lets just be our selves ;)

Wendy me
03-25-2005, 08:31 AM
hi julie well ok the marrage thats not easy you hade a lot in to it maybe things can just go as good as thay can .....best of luck...........as far as not doing the whole
thingy well as always you have shown that you are always thinking .........yes to just have the whole thing be a woman.......everything in it's place .....to curve were you should cueve and not to well you know not buldge were you don't want to wow a dream we all have hade or still do..........................

my thoughts ???well once again you have showen me that you are a one of a kind person so simple and complex at the same time .........to be going through all that you are and be thinking of every one around you as well then to just stop and say this is me .............and i am ok with that ...........such a win big time.......when you can look at your selfe and say this is me and i am happy being me .........................................julie you have transitioned .....to the new you ........

huge wendy hugs..........

ChristineRenee
03-25-2005, 08:53 AM
Julie,

So good to read your post and know that you are finding that peace within. I know exactly where you are coming from babe. I have a program on tape about this post-op transsexual...was in her 50's like you and me. And she still looked and talked like a man in a dress. After all she had been through too...and she was incredibly unhappy. Never smiled throughout the entire interview and the pain...and I mean the emotional pain now...was so prevalent in her face. I have been doing HRT for over a year now...and knowing that I am not a TS and never will be, I have suspended it for awhile. I mean...it's not like I don't know who I am inside...so what am I trying to accomplish here? I know I'm a science project...but I wonder sometimes whether it is worth it knowing that I am not going to enter "the final frontier" with this. Not to say that I won't start up again either...but I need sometime right now to sort this all out mentally once again. It's about me...but it's also about how it affects those you love and who love you as well. It's not easy...and it never will be I'm afraid.

Thanks for the update Julie. You have been a mentor, an inspiration, and a damn good friend to us all. As always, we love you and wish you only the best girlfriend!

Love,
Chrissie:)

Lori Yancy
03-27-2005, 10:01 PM
Do whatever you need to do so life is good to you. You only go around once, and you need to be happy in what and where you are! Keep in touch.

Lori :)

robynlane
04-02-2005, 08:08 PM
Julie,
Really glad you've come to peace with your possibilities. It's such a hard thing to feel something inside but knowing in your heart that reality always takes front stage. I know I'm lucky. I've always been rather effeminate, have a small build, and can easily jump the gender fence (if the lighting's right!). But for me, it really isn't about looking feminine, it's about feeling feminine. It's about being yourself. So happy you've found your path!

Robyn

Marlene4a
04-23-2005, 11:36 PM
Good for you Jim (Julie)
You have delineated the true division between the real and the temporarily desired and acted upon it.

I believe you have made the correct and best choice.

I do regret to hear about the divorce and your relationship with your son. However, as time goes on, I believe that the bridge between you and your son, that was once broken, will be repaired.
It appears where one door closed, another greater door opened.
I wish you all the best in your new relationship.

Me