Talking early in a relationship

[kay2]

I wonder about the following. Is a potential SO more likely to be accepting if s/he knows from the start? Aside from the issue of feeling betrayed by being told late in a relationship, I think an SO is more likely to be accepting of many things while both partners are in the flush of new love. I'm always quite open as soon as there is clearly a mutual interest. It might just be the type of women that I socialize with. It might also be that I don't fully dress - I like the underwear, skirts, maryjanes, nail polish, and kind of androgenous tops - no make-up/wigs/forms. However, I think early in a relationship is the best time to confront all issues that might become a later challenge.

[Marla S]

It's definitively the best to tell as early as possible.

I doubt that this alone, makes "acceptance" or understanding of CDing more likely, though.

(Of course it avoids a lot problems for the CD and the SO related to betrayal, denial, mistrust and the like).

As a rough guess, I'd assume it is more acceptable for GGs if one doesn't fully dress. I'd think a certain degree of feminity is more acceptable than the full program.
(Correct me if I am wrong)

[Veronica Fallon]

Your theory makes a lot of sense, IMO. I've told several potential GF's, early on, when in the peak throes of their infatuation, & have found about an 80-85% acceptance rate. Even if they hadn't been accepting, I'd still have rather known that then, instead of after we'd both invested much more in the relationship. :doh:

Deception is for politicians & corporations- honesty is essential to a healthy, working relationship. If ya don't start with the truth, you're not likely to find the value of real trust from your lover! :koc:

Hugz,

Veronica

[Deborah Jane]

I told my ex wife after 23 years and it eventually lead to us splitting up!! I told my new girlfriend after 3 weeks and after a few days of thinking about it, she wants to carry on seeing me!! So i agree, tell them early!!!

[SherriePall]

I told my wife after 25 years of marriage. We're still together some eight years later, but I once asked if she would have married me if I had told her then. Her answer: no.

[battybattybats]

Sometimes it doesn't help.
I told within a week or so of the 1st date. I hadn't dressed in a while, did so pretty infrequently anyway and I said as much. I didn't know a lot about crossdressing in general but I did say that it was possible the urge may return in the future...

But she only heard the bits she wanted to hear.. that I didn't do it anymore... when about 6 months later the desire turned up she told me if I dressed she'd leave me and if the relationship ended she'd have no reason to live anymore and would kill herself.

4 years on and she is finally on antidepressants which have helped somewhat but on the issue of dressing the best she's managed is to suggest I do so only in total secret where she can have it completely hidden from her and even then bound up in a cornocopia of rules.

[sissystephanie]

I told my fiance before we were married. She accepted me as I was, and we enjoyed 49 1/2 years of very happy marriage before she passed away. In fact, as I have mentioned before, we both wore matching white silk lingerie at our wedding!:love: I believe, and preach it to all CD's, that honesty is the best policy. Otherwise, you as the CD, are always going to be looking over your shoulder! It might be interesting to see how many CD's have been divorced because of their CD activities that only were revealed later in the marriage.

If your ladylove says she won't accept it, then you either have to change (which is unlikely) or find a girl who will accept you. The main thing is to let her know from the start that your CD activities don't affect your love for her. I told my wife that, and she soon found out in bed that it was true.She wanted me to wear panties to bed, telling me I was sexier then!:heehee:

So be honest, upfront, and above all let her know you are still a MAN, no matter what you have on!

Sissy

More Girl than man sometimes

[angelfire]

I'd likely say early on is best. If you've only been dating a few weeks, you don't have much to lose. Sure it will hurt, but live, love & learn. It probably won't kill you.

I don't want to make the same mistake many sisters here have, in telling their wives after several years of marriage to find out they are un-accepting and want a divorce, or even then, it puts alot of strain on the relationship.

I'd definitely vote early on.

[Wenda]

... she told me if I dressed she'd leave me and if the relationship ended she'd have no reason to live anymore and would kill herself.


OK batts, this girl has much bigger issues than whether or not you dress. Stating your BF's dressing as a reason to consider suicide is just unreasonable!

Back to the original question: yes, sooner is better than later! I had not dressed in any real way in years, decades actually. On a trip out of town, I was on an errand and noticed an adult store on the other side of the freeway, at which I stopped on my return.I wasn't looking for anything in particular, but loved the breastforms that were on display at the front. It was quiet, and the SA was very pleasant and helpful. Then I noticed....THE BOOTS!!.. They had a pair of size 11 shiney thigh-high boots. Without hesitation, I asked to try them on. I had to go to the change room, because I had to remove my pants to try them on.

I was so excited, my hands were shaking. They were too small, but the floodgate had been opened! I bought a shiny leather skirt with lace-up sides, then bought lingerie, shoes, etc on the way home.

I told my GF as soon as I got home. She was very cool about it, and obviously concerned. She thought she had lost 'her man'. She thought I had 'turned gay'. We referred to Wenda in the third person, and still do. A couple of months later, on another trip out of town, she met Wenda, and went shopping with her. They made love, and have been buddies ever since.

My advice: SOONER is much better than later. If she isn't comfortable with it, better to find out early. In the worst case scenario, she will out you in a fit of anger, but if you are always forthcoming, you can minimize the damage from that sort of thing.

Go for it!:love::thumbsup:

[Ermintrude]

Deception is for politicians & corporations

That sums it up very nicely.

The longer you hide something, the worse the reaction when you're eventually exposed.

[Angie G]

I told my wife after 37years and she is OK with it wishes it was not here and wants her husband back 100%but she knows why I need to dress :hugs:
Angie

[Chrissy8888]

I have to agree with all of you. You should tell your SO or person you are with early on in the relationship. I have always waited so see where the relationship is going first. We have all been out with somebody only to figure out that the relationship is not going to blossom. However once you sense that something may happen you need to be honest with that person. Yes they may run, however it is better have it happen early then when you truly have an emotional connection. If they do run, the relationship would not have worked out. This can be difficult however this is not your fault or even theirs. It is a matter of comfort and limitations. I am very comfortable with who I am. I am a TS at heart. However not everybody is going to be that way. I do not blame them or pass judgment on them but honor their opinion. This may be why I am still single but I at least have my dignity.

[Eugenie]

I told my wife about my x-dressing around two years after we got married. I didn't tell before as I thought that "it" would go away with a stable sexual relationship... But it didn't... As I have discovered later, this is a behavior that doesn't disapear, even with great efforts...

My wife accepted me using lacy underwear as she thought that it was some kind of sexual fantazy... There was just one rule "Don't touch my own underwear. Buy your own."

But when she realized that I wanted to be fully dressed as a woman, she became a lot less supportive... But providing I would be doing it out of her sight, she tolerated it...

We have been living like that since 38 years... Not a perfect situation, but at least I don't have to hide my "femme" clothes nor to lie to her. She know now that I x-dress and go out "en femme" when I'm away from my home town.

I had recently a serious health problem and she told me that it had made her see things in a more relative way... My X-dressing was no longer as big a problem...

So telling early didn't solve the acceptance issue but lead me to a relatively simplified way to be "en femme" rather often.

:hugs:
Eugenie

[trannie T]

It takes some courage to have "the talk" but to leading a secret life is a miserable existance. It is not fair to hide an important part of your life from your partner. You expect her to be honest with you, you must be honest with her.

[WyomingDiva]

Is a potential SO more likely to be accepting if s/he knows from the start?I'm glad my SO told me BEFORE we married. I'm not sure what my response might have been after the fact, esp. many years afterwards.

[Melinda G]

If you tell a girlfriend, early in the relationship, and you later break up, there is no telling how many people she may tell.

[dakota_ann69]

My SO has known since our second date, while she tolerates my needs of being Dakota we have some ground rules that make both of our lives easier. Hers are pretty basic I can dress anytime that I want as long as it is not in front of her or the kids.

Talking early in a relationship is perfectly acceptable behavior as this is the time when you need to get to know each other. That is what dating is all about, it is a time to gather information from each other and then determine if your lives are meant to take the next step.

There are plenty of people that hide things from each other and this usually results in a poor outcome of marriage. Not always but why would you want to be part of that statistic. Be open with the SO. Honesty is always the best policy. In my opinion...................

[Sheila]

as strange as this seems you can never really know how you will cope in a situation until you are actually living it . that means as an SO of a dresser or the SO, of a Golfer/footballer/Nurse/ police person ......... until you live, day in and day out for any length of time with someone and their job/hobby/desires you can only imagine what it will be like .. reality is sometimes vastly different, sometimes better sometimes worse

[Denielleinheels]

I believe the earlier the better. I told mine when we first started dating so she knew. If it was a deal breaker it was better before we had invested ourselves in to this relationship.:2c:

[NatashaCD]

I told my g/f even before going out with her and we have been going out with each other now for 6 months :)

[Denielleinheels]

I told my g/f even before going out with her and we have been going out with each other now for 6 months :)


you go gurl

[Carla4Guage]

There is always the potential situation I faced. My spouse & I were married for 25+ years before I began my CDing. I was honest enough to tell her, as soon as I realized it was something I wanted to continue. She has slooooooowly started to realize that it is not a threat to our relationship, but is not supportive nor has she offered to help/share in any way and does NOT care to see me as Carla.

I do think that once you have established a relationship with another, to not tell them will cause friction down the road.

[Rearranged]

I left it until later in the relationship, and now regret it everyday. The issue, although now out in the open, is still not resolved.

If I could rewind the clock and start again, as soon as she had shown an interest I should have been open about CDing. At least that way no-one is heavily emotionally invested when the revelation comes, and perhaps both parties can take more of an objective look at the issues.

My SO deserved to know before committing further (ie marriage); in hindsight I believe she deserved to know from the start. :(

[Joanne f]

This is where you younger one`s have it easier, it is more excepted now but for us older one`s it would have been a no go right from the start.


joanne

[Mercedes]

My feeling is that a SO accepting has nothing to do with how long you are in a relationship but with the person and there beliefs. Some will accept, some will put up with it and some will run away screaming.

The reason you have to share your CDing early is that you have to know what kind of relationship you are going to be getting into. Being married with children and then finding out that your wife can not handle it is not where you want to end up.

Mercedes

[Satrana]

Of course, the earlier the better for both of you.


while both partners are in the flush of new love.

What happens when the flush dies away and the SO assesses the practical issues being with a CD? There are quite a number of stories here of SOs who were initially accepting but then turned cold later.

[Joanne f]

It's definitively the best to tell as early as possible.

I doubt that this alone, makes "acceptance" or understanding of CDing more likely, though.

(Of course it avoids a lot problems for the CD and the SO related to betrayal, denial, mistrust and the like).

As a rough guess, I'd assume it is more acceptable for GGs if one doesn't fully dress. I'd think a certain degree of feminity is more acceptable than the full program.
(Correct me if I am wrong)


Yes i would think that is about right for the majority of GGs.



joanne

[Sheri 4242]

You should tell your SO or person you are with early on in the relationship. I have always waited so see where the relationship is going first. We have all been out with somebody only to figure out that the relationship is not going to blossom. However once you sense that something may happen you need to be honest with that person. Yes they may run, however it is better have it happen early then when you truly have an emotional connection.

I agree!!! There is no reason to tell on the first date or two -- or three or four. BUT, as I have said in other similar threads, once you think you are getting potentially "marriage serious," that is the time to get it out in the open!!!


If you tell a girlfriend, early in the relationship, and you later break up, there is no telling how many people she may tell.

I understand where you are coming from, but there is another side to that coin and it may be much more harmful: you don't tell -- then 20 years later she finds out (and feels very deceived) and divorces you -- and your crossdressing either (a.) becomes a major sledgehammer against you in settlement negotiations before a divorce, or (b.) your CDing becomes public knowledge vis-a-vis a contested divorce and everybody is privvy to the information (family, friends, employers, your local news media, etc.) -- and it affects you in all sorts of financial ways, custody issues, etc.

There are ways to EASE into the subject when you are dating and feel you are heading towards engagement . . . ways that with someone who will be accepting will allow you to delve into the subject with confidence -- and these ways also will allow you to start easing back out of the relationship if you see it isn't going to be an accepted thing without having revealed yourself so much that a vindictive ex-gf can go around blabing about you.


Is a potential SO more likely to be accepting if s/he knows from the start? . . . I think an SO is more likely to be accepting of many things while both partners are in the flush of new love.

IMO, this is overly broad in concept. Yes, during that all-consuming love infatuated stage, endorphines are pumping by the gallon and there are often many things people in love are blind to -- and things they will think are acceptable or tolerable. Many a person in this stage goes further into the relationship thinking they can change the other person (or rather, change certain traits about the other person). In the main, I don't think CDing generally falls into this realm. I've known too many GGs who would head to the hills once this aspect was revealed, regardless of how deeply in love they thought they were. So, better to get out once you see you are probably heading to the altar and let the chips fall where they may. You will be happier in the end!!!

[Sally24]

I told my wife to be even before I asked her to marry me. It was the best decision of my life! We didn't do too much with it until 30 years later, but it helped so much to know from the start. She worries about things, but as far as accepting she is the best! She was the one that helped me get involved with my t-girl social group because she thought I needed friends that would understand me.

Anyone who gets married or committed without disclosing and discussing this with the SO is taking such a big chance. This life doesn't require a sad ending but many find just that. Honestly up front is the best way, even if it possibly kills that relashionship. At that point there is just the two of you. Destroying a family later on is much, much worse!

[Brenda Love]

my wife and I have been together for 16 years and i'm still trying to come out to her about my cding.Over the years i have shown her in little ways and I think she knows but is waiting for me to say it.

Hugs
Brenda

[Sedona]

Kay,

Good question. And, I should preface my answer by stating that I haven't read any responses. No offense to any other posters, I just didn't want to be swayed at all in my response.

I've always thought that some girls are ready much sooner than others. I remember a woman I had a fling with in Arizona (hence my name), who said "you'd look great in one of my garter belts, want to try it on?" after I'd known her for about 36 hours. I was more shy than I am now, so declined, but always think, "what if?" She was obviously okay with CDing, and encouraged it, even though she had no reason to think I would be into it.

Other girlfriends, I've waited months, or in the case of a best friend, who is a former girlfriend, nearly 20 years.

Be your own judge. Some will advocate telling on the first date, but I think this can be foolhardy, unless it's a rare circumstance, like the one I pointed to above.

My feeling is, when you first have those feelings that she's a keeper (think with your brain, not your hormones), then you should probably have "the talk." Go slowly, and make sure you're honest, and don't come on too strong. Let her take the lead, and you'll be fine. With my current girlfriend (a keeper BTW), we've had periods of four or more months where neither of us discusses CDing. While she's not ready to enter me in any drag competitions, we've made a lot of progress, especially considering her very conservative roots.

Best of luck!

[Josephine 1941]

Hi Kay 2 Yes Yes Yes, Why go through all the games , I told my GG right off the bat and her answer was I am a N Y girl an she loved the idea. After a day or two we found out that we were both the same size, we now wear each others cloths I have better fashion sense shoes too . I now have the best of my worlds and she loves me , we have been together for a 1 1/2 yrs an planning all types of trips. We went to P town for a week and I lived 24/7 as a female what a blast. When we go shoping it is so nice even if I am in male mode we shop as two girl friends, had a women come up to my GG an ask if she would rent me to her . She had seen us shoping and her hubby was sitting on the bench near the front door waiting for her, she love that I helped my GG buy bra's an panties. Then asks why two pairs of everything, so I told her she about flipped I think I have found a new job for my self.

Josephine

[Mitch23]

Definitely for the sake of both persons - I waited 13 years to dump on the poor girl. I think we wouldn't have got married but the heartache would have been less and i could have found someone who was a little more accepting. My problem was that I thought i was the only one in the world with this dirty little secret, I thought it would go away I had no idea that there were girls around who actually like trannies!

love

mitch

[Heather Dur]

Strong vote for telling early on. I waited seven years before telling my first wife, as devorce approached, and believe had I done so earlier we would still be married. At that time, knowing that dressing was a deep part of who I was, and that fact that I didn't dislike that person, I told every lady I dated more than a couple of months about my crossdressing. I have been with my present wife for more than 20 years, and though she doesn't fully approve, she does understand and it doesn't produce a area of mistrust. Be true to yourself, and to those you love.

Heather

[suzy]

The earlier .....the better... It's that simple!:D

[AmandaLatex]

As soon as I fell in love I told her. I felt I owed the honesty. Although not fully accepting, she still loves me.

[Kelsy]

There is no doubt that early is better! I spent nearly 25 years in a marriage that was by all intents and purposes a very good one accept for one thing My ex never knew me really! I had a secret life, a life that she never found out about but looking back I am sure that part of the failure of that relationship was the fact that I held this secret. soon after that marriage failed I found someone new and continued with my secret. She discovered what I was into about a year into the relationship but , to my total astonishment, accepted me and my dressing. unfortunately due to unrelated circumstances and to my inability to get MY head around the fact that I was not completely rejected that relationship ended. Before our split that lovely lady gave me some advice! She said that when I got seriously involved with someone else I should be totally honest and upfront, no more lies, be true to yourself and begin the relationship with a foundation of truth. I took the advice from many here aswell. Best to be truthful and if it doesn't work then, as much as it may hurt, if separation happens atleast you have been honest, with yourself and your SO. If of course she accepts you than life can be very sweet!:happy:

[unclejoann]

This weekend my wife had another of her "don't do any of that around me" episodes. I had just finished painting my nails, when she came in she told me to put on socks or shoes that it annoyed her.

She has seen me with painted nails before, I was hoping that if she occasionally saw them it could help her accept a little of this. It does not help at all. So, I realize that if I had told her early in the relationship she would have stopped it right there. She has no intention of letting me out of the male stereotype.

And of course the funny thing is that later in the evening I noticed she was watching a transgender show on Logo. She is a good little liberal.

[Kris]

I can see the need to feel that you have to hide this part of yourself if you don't know about other people and GG's that are accepting...
But once you know that you are not alone, it is not going to go away, and that there ARE gg's out there that are accepting, it isn't something that you can unlearn. I think that there is no excuse for deliberately deceiving your potential mate. I don't mean a woman that you go out with once and are seeing if she is the one, but a woman that you think might be the one.
I can't even imagine what the GG's who got married thinking that they had this manly man, (and many of you are that way to compensate) and find out later. The cding then would not be the issue, the betrayal would be. I don't know if I could trust him again.
JMHO and I can only speak for myself.

:hugs: Kris

[docrobbysherry]

I have read SO MANY posts that say the same thing. Tell her rite away. That CD's dressing won't affect their feelings/relations with their SO. If that is true for you, fine. It isn't for me! I dress mainly for sexual reasons. Maybe that's unusual? I don't know.

So, I tell my new girlfriend, there is this OTHER WOMAN, Sherry, that I see occasionally. The sex with her is fantastic, so I can't give her up! But, it's OK, because she is really me! And she'll say, " No problem. How cute! Try on my garter belt".

Is my situation so unique? Or r a lot of u enjoying your trip up Da Nile??
RS

www.myspace.com/robertsherry

[Melinda G]

I just ended a short relationship, with a woman who thought she was still dealing with 20 year olds, and started jerking me around. I'm glad I didn't "come out" to her, early on in the relationship. I would be a sorry camper, right about now.
Unless you want yoour little secret all over town, I would not be in any hurry to come out to anyone!

[Sheri 4242]

It's definitively the best to tell as early as possible.

I doubt that this alone, makes "acceptance" or understanding of CDing more likely, though.

(Of course it avoids a lot problems for the CD and the SO related to betrayal, denial, mistrust and the like).

It is absolutely best to tell early, but IMO that doesn't mean during the first phases of dating. That said, I do believe it means you tell as soon as you think you are getting "marriage serious." IOW, if you are certain you are heading towards engagement and marriage, you need to tell. Whether a girl accepts your CDing or not will come out at that point. The bottom line is that you don't want to take from any woman worth marrying the right to make her own decision!!!

Now, if you are one of the many, many crossdressers who has not told -- and maybe you've gotten married, OR you have been married for 5, 10, 15, 20, 25, 30 years, well your situation is different!!! Regardless of how you justify it to yourself, you have already taken away the woman's right to be, or to not be, involved with you and "who and what" you are!!! As is evidenced on this forum many, many times, sometimes this approach just does not work b/c of feelings of betrayal!!!

It all depends on where you are in your relationship!!! When my second wife and I were dating, AND when I saw that we were getting serious and heading towards engagement and marriage, I told her!!! Plenty of quiet time with no distractions or potential for interruptions -- plenty of time to talk, put it away, bring it back up, ask and reask the same questions and new ones that would naturally occur. All-in-all, plenty of time for pure and simple honest communication!!!