spouse to sister?

[helenr]

Good morning. I wonder if any married transgendered have successfully shifted their relationship into more of a non-sexual sisterhood? My wife and I haven't been intimate for several years. She and I get along fairly well, since I accomodate all her wishes-do this, do that,etc-as I don't want to live alone. I sense that she recognizes that I am going beyond mere transvestism and it's more of a mental makeover for me. I am happier with the anti androgens and estrogen working, feel calmer, less irritable, and like the subtle effects-finer body hair, some bust development, maybe some fat on my fanny,etc. I sense that-statitics (sp?) don't rate this relationship as long lasting-GGs can't a 'second squaw' in the wigwam- but I wonder what others have experienced and think?

[Maggie Kay]

I am in about the same situation but my development is further along. I wear femme clothes 24/7 and have past shoulder length hair. I've been in a very slow transition for seven years. I have been on hormones for five years. My spouse and I have decided to remain together as we love each other in spite of my becoming a woman. She really doesn't like it and most of the time tries to minimize or ignore my femininity. That hurts but I have to allow her the space to accept which may take another seven years. For example, I can't wear a skirt or dress as that pushes it too far. No makeup either. We are best of friends and still have intimate moments but no sex. We still see each other getting dressed and in the bath but she averts her eyes so she doesn't look at my breasts much. I would be interested in sex with her but I really can't abide an erection and she doesn't like women sexually. Both of our sex drives have just about disappeared anyway. So we live together like sort of sisters but more like women that love each other just short of lesbianism. Mind bending really.

I had a dream last night that I got a new dress. Full length and flowing. It was beautiful and I felt so wonderful in it. The most amazing thing about it was that it was OK for me to wear it around my spouse and my daughter. I was treated totally normally. I hope it was a prophetic dream.

[Margot]

You are not alone Kay. Even though I'm not transitioning my wife and I are more like very good girlfriends. Intimacy is a huge hug and kiss. I am happy with that as is my SO. I dress almost daily now but my crossdressing remains between my wife and I. We are the lucky ones.

[helenr]

thanks for the input. I think it is great that this forum exists for the exchange of experiences, feelings,etc. It is pretty lonely in this special world of the transgendered.My wife has complained that she can't discuss this matter with anyone else (though she did blab to her mother and then her brother and sister in law --which makes me still feel so creepy when I am with them--wondering just what they think is goofed up in my mind,etc). I sense that GGs need to talk about everything to other GGs-part of a 'club thing' that most women seem to have. It is thus hard on a female who is at her wit's end. best to you. helen

[Maggie Kay]

I sense that GGs need to talk about everything to other GGs-part of a 'club thing' that most women seem to have.

Isn't this what we are doing too? I have a need to tell the other girls here. Wouldn't it be wonderful to be included in the GG's club, too?

[Stephenie S]

If I have a goal in life, it is to stay married. Will it work? I don't know. But I do know that I will do everything in my power (short of not transitioning) to see that it does. My dear wife says, "You aren't gonna get rid of me that easily!" So we seem to be OK for now. Here's hoping.

She does have a LOT of credit with me. If she wants an hour and a half foot massage she gets an hour and a half foot massage.

Lovies,
Stephenie

[AmberTG]

It's amazing what a foot massage will do for a girl's attitude, even a girl like me!

[Nicole]

She does have a LOT of credit with me. If she wants an hour and a half foot massage she gets an hour and a half foot massage.

Lovies,
Stephenie

CUTE!!! And same here. :)

[Sejd]

Hi Helenr
Overall, I think it is a pretty sad end of a relationship when one of the most wonderful things we do to show affection for each other ( the sex thing) goes out the window. It is sad to live with a soulmate and not have that intimacy that sex brings to a healthy partnership. Having said that, off course, whatever works for people is what counts. It is not an easy obstacle in any relationship to shift gender. sometimes the spouse is enough bisexual to deal with it and that can be a happy outcome. For some women, maybe most, it is a loss of their male partner - sexually speaking and it can turn out to be the end of the marriage.
I think this is an area which takes a lot of understanding from both sides, and maybe a lot of therapy. In the end, we have to change into what we feel we were born to be!!! That's the scarry part. Thanks for sharing
hugs
Sejd

[Sierra]

Hello everyone,I think if we stopped having sex it would be the begining of the end of our marriage. [I've been on low dose hrt 8 years]I act like a guy and have 38 C breast.My drive is lower,I rarely masterbate because I need to save my bullets for my wife that is a faithful lady that deserves my love and affection.She has come a long way and even sucks my breast because she knows I love it,among other things.I only go out with her and act like a married guy.But she knows that I'am really a TG who is very gender disphoric.Family must stay together for me.:2c::drink:

[Lady Angela]

After my genetic woman wife and I divorced, and I transitioned from male to female, my ex-wife and myself became best girlfriends. And I became a mom, instead of a dad, to my daughters. They all accept me as a lady, and I appreciate that. I am still close with my ex-wife and my daughters.
Like my ex-wife says, we have a "spiritual" marriage these days.

These days I am a fully femininzed pre-op transexual woman, who lives full time as a woman, and easily pases as a beautiful feminine lady, and I am with a wonderful handsome masculine hetrosexual man who loves me as his lady.
I consider myself these days to be a hetrosexual lady.
Just the transexual version of a lady.

[Cara Allen]

Society is constantly changing, modifying. My mother-in-law lived with her sister-in-law for years and years, after my father-in-law passed away. This happens often, since men do not live as long as women, I think. Anyway, what arrangement you have can work, but I don't think it is productive to try and label what you two would be to each other. If you love each other, and sex is no longer a deal breaker, whyt shouldn't you stay together? Women live together, all the time in a non-sexual way. Rather than looking at it as a competition, why not look at it as a partnership and mutual sharing of responsibilities? Offer to do all of the laundry, and you will blow her away. Do the dishes, and she will rethink this whole thing. If you also clean the house, she will sign on the dotted line. There does not have to be a clear and concise definition of what you are to each other. Forget roles, and just love each other. Support each other. Show her that nothing threatening is happening, that it can be a very positive thing, dear. That you are still there for her, and love her, very much.

[Maggie Kay]

I do the stay at home mom thing and have for twenty years. Doing the household chores is part of being a human being. However, women do have turf here and to do the housework and clean up the dishes does put some stress on the relationship. If a woman cleans up after another, there is a real obligation and we have had problems over it. So learn the rules and understand that housework is more than just a job to do. It is a way to communicate caring and affection but sometimes, it is also to communicate competition.
One of the most significant issues is that once I became recognized as female,being treated as just another female, I found I lost a huge amount of respect or shall I say clout in the family. I am no longer the head of the household, and many decisions are made by my wife and daughter where I am not consulted. At best, I can express my feelings and perhaps my view will be considered. They view other males as having more authority or competence.

[AmberTG]

It's kinda funny how, once we figure out that part of us that was always there but unexpressed, we become less then we were, not more, to most people. Just because I'm taking estrogen does not mean that my IQ has dropped or that I've lost my ability to think through a problem and make a decision on it.
I will say that it's fairly typical for the woman of the house to be the real boss, they just let the man think he's in control because of his ego. Like the mother said in the movie "My Big Fat Greek Wedding" to paraphrase- "yes, the man is the head of the household, but the woman is the neck, and the neck can turn the head where she wants."

[Cara Allen]

I do the stay at home mom thing and have for twenty years. Doing the household chores is part of being a human being. However, women do have turf here and to do the housework and clean up the dishes does put some stress on the relationship. If a woman cleans up after another, there is a real obligation and we have had problems over it. So learn the rules and understand that housework is more than just a job to do. It is a way to communicate caring and affection but sometimes, it is also to communicate competition.

My wife would heartily disagree. No one wants to be the primary cleaner-upper in the house around here.


One of the most significant issues is that once I became recognized as female,being treated as just another female, I found I lost a huge amount of respect or shall I say clout in the family. I am no longer the head of the household, and many decisions are made by my wife and daughter where I am not consulted. At best, I can express my feelings and perhaps my view will be considered. They view other males as having more authority or competence.

Does it bother you that you are now an equal, K? I play the role as the head of the household, but I do not enjoy it. I perfer a committee decision on everything. I think this is SOP for most women.

[Maggie Kay]

Does it bother you that you are now an equal, K? I play the role as the head of the household, but I do not enjoy it. I perfer a committee decision on everything. I think this is SOP for most women.

I would like to be an equal. As it is, I am not and my opinions are not considered to have equal weight. It is partly because while I am certainly not considered male, I am not totally considered female either. So sometimes I feel like "Ruprect the Monkey Boy" instead of a responsible adult.

[KrazyKat]

My dear wife says, "You aren't gonna get rid of me that easily!" So we seem to be OK for now. Here's hoping.

Lovies,
Stephenie

That's exactly what I said to Karen, many times now!! She's starting to believe me, now!!!

I justed wanted to share that I thought I was feeling this exact same way, we went through a time when Karen was on so many anti-depressants, she had ED. I was resigned that this was ok, I can take care of myself, it's easier than seeing all the frustration and hurt on your loved one's face when things aren't working well and you feel you are letting someone down, no pun intended!!:straightface:
WE had come back to the hand touching and hugs that are intimate, but not the same.
I was never happier when we became sexual again, with old fears thrown out, we are closer and more trusting than ever!! I didn't realize how much I had missed my Babe`, it's brought tears to my eyes many times!!
I feel sad for those who are resigned to feel this way, I know it seems to be working, but I also know how easy it is to convince oneself of things that may not be so true.:hugs:

Just sharing what happened with us over the last 15 years, hope it helps. Kat

[The Gas Man Cometh]

I got with my GF after she transitioned. Though I don't think she was ever a boy... her parents gave her a female name.

She's more intersexed...

I think...

[The Gas Man Cometh]

Isn't this what we are doing too? I have a need to tell the other girls here. Wouldn't it be wonderful to be included in the GG's club, too?


You already are included. :<3:

[Malissa Madison]

Well for me life took that aweful turn. we'd played the games, role reversal etc she even liked dressing me up to play. but when she discovered it wasn't just a game things changed.
She said she didn't marry another woman, and couldnt accept my transitioning. I think for her the big issue was trying to figure out which of my personalities it was that out front at the time.
Yes we're still friends, we see each other and help to support her all we can. we used to hope that she would accept us eventually but thats not been the case.
guess we've moved into the just friends catagory.
Malissa

[loriannetucson]

Sorry I haven't posted in over a month, tough times actually. And they have been exactly for this reason. My wife has finally decided that after seeing my manly-type pecs have now become "teen-girl" real female breasts, she told me that I had to make a decision. The decision was if I continued hormones or opted for full time transition our relationship would have to change. Her argument was that she cannot be married to a woman. However, her love for me is that she has no intentions on leaving. Rather, the option of continuing this path is that we would remain friends and sisterly.

I was in a very depressed state feeling that I in reality had no choice. But after a lot of heartache and talking about it, she and I BOTH agreed that there is simply no going back to the way things were, even if we wanted to. She has seen the many positive changes as a result of me being on HRT. She acknowledges that this is the right thing for me to do, and that I need to stop the self denial of who I am. I had to painfully acknowledge that our intimacy sexually would diminish, and that in order for this relationship to survive it has to inevitably evolve into something else. The past few days since acknowledging that between each other have been quite pleasant because of a new sense of direction. Funny thing is our intimacy has spiked enormously, despite knowing we're heading down a different path. Either way, our love for one another is indeed great, and I am happy with continuing down this path. Maybe one day we'll be taking the same flight to Thailand like Gypsy Karen and her SO will be doing later this month!

God bless, and I hope you can find a sense of peace in understanding that relationships can and do change through this.

Lori

[MJ]

Isn't this what we are doing too? I have a need to tell the other girls here. Wouldn't it be wonderful to be included in the GG's club, too?

well yes it would but lets not go there



You already are included. :<3:

i think you miss read her

[GypsyKaren]

When I started my transition, I swore up and down to Kat that nothing between us would change, that I wouldn't allow that to happen. I really thought that will power would be enough to carry on, especially sexually speaking. Kat kept telling me different, that things would be different, and there was nothing I could do to prevent it. She felt that I was kidding myself...

Well, she was right, and I was wrong, big time. The simple fact of the matter is that I do feel so very different inside, but not in how I feel about her, it's just me. The hormones, the way I feel about myself now, the way I see everything, it's all different somehow. But not my love for her...

I do know that I'm a better person now, and in most ways we are closer than we've ever been, closer than most couples can or will ever be, but there have been sacrifices in the physical intimacy department We both feel that our relationship has reached the next plane of being, so to speak, and I do hope that things will continue to evolve for the better after my surgery, though adjustments will have to be made.

I would never have blamed her if she had bailed on me, or if she did it tomorrow or the day after. I will always know how lucky I am to have her in my life, and I will always know the effects of being with me has had on her life. She made the choice to stick by me, I've made the choice to never let her go, so whatever the future brings along, we'll face together forever.

Karen Starlene

[loriannetucson]

Karen, your words of inspiration are exactly the hard hitting kind of truth bits I need to hear. I do get assailed by other trans friends who tell me I'm only kidding myself to think she'll want to stay with me, but something inside me keeps me here with her. I feel the same way. If she chooses to leave, I will understand. But if she CHOOSES to stay with me, who am I to judge her and FORCE her to stop loving me? That, too, is not my choice to make. I've just recently come to realize that.

Yes, our relationship is changing drastically. But I've come to accept that now. I was indeed kidding myself. But now I know that we have a hope in still knowing that we can give it our all, and with a little help from our friends and our faith in God, we just...just might make it!

Bless you all for hanging in there making tough choices. They're certainly never easy, but the dream of a new dawn still floods my mind with hope.

Lori

[GypsyKaren]

If she chooses to leave, I will understand. But if she CHOOSES to stay with me, who am I to judge her and FORCE her to stop loving me? That, too, is not my choice to make. I've just recently come to realize that.


This is exactly what Kat told me, "I'm an adult, this is MY decision to make, I could certainly leave anytime if that's what I wanted, I choose to stay!" Believe me, I kept giving her anyway out she'd want or need until she got so pissed off at it that I finally promised to stop.

It's just like living with any relationship, whether you're trans or not, you've got to work at it everyday, and you've got to keep trying to give more than you take. I'm not judging a spouse who leaves, but are we not more than just a penis to them? I know that this is an extreme test to put a relationship through, but it sure separates the suds from the beer in a hurry, that's for sure.

Karen Starlene