How to "not care" what people think??

[Veronica Fallon]

Hi everyone,


First of all, I'd like to give a HUGE thanks to all of you who so courageously express yourselves as crossdressers out in the public world. You do us all a tremendous service by making our presence known more in society, & thus allowing the chance for more general acceptance.
You all are my heroes!! :notworthy:

I want to join you for both, selfish reasons, & for altruistic ones as well. I yearn to experience all of life through my feminine perceptions, feeling as much of it as possible from my times out as a woman. I also want to "give back" to the world by helping to pave the way for sisters yet to come.

But I'm struggling with a big part of it. A few weeks ago I went out for my first time, to a Tri-ESS meeting & a stop at a convenience store. My outing ended well, but through most of it I was a total nervous wreck. I've always been a lil' on the shy, self-conscious side, & crossdressing in public took it to extreme levels. For me it's worse than fearing physical threats or hearing someone laugh at me. I've read how many of you don't seem very concerned about peoples judgments, as long as they don't say anything about it to you. (Some of you aren't even affected much by that!!!) Well I can't even seem to get over feeling terribly insecure about what I imagine they're merely thinking of me.
Yes, yes, yes, I know it doesn't matter at all what they think, but I still can't help feeling like I'm in one of those "naked in public" dreams, where everyone is pointing & laughing, & there's nowhere to hide or escape to. I've gotten myself over some enormous fears in my life, but this one seems to have no path towards dissolution. :nailbiting:

Next Saturday is my 2nd planned outing, to another Tri-ESS meeting & then on to my first time in the club scene. I'm sooo excited on several levels, but still scared to death as well. I know my fears are totally unfounded in any tangible ways, but that knowledge doesn't help me to lessen them. I want to enjoy my time as a woman, not stress about it!! So my question to you is this...

How can I learn to not care what people think of me?? What methods (or tricks?) can I apply in my mind, that might grant me some power over my stupid fears?? I really wanna fight this, conquer it, & move on, but I simply can't figure out how! I know that practice, practice, practice will get me there eventually, but I'm hoping for some kind of mental tools I might utilize now to actively fight these insidious trepidations, & kick their a** sooner. :Punch:
Any ideas you have would be greatly appreciated!!

Determined Hugz,

Veronica

[chucks]

the truth has to be more important than feeling good. when you notice that you're caught up in useless thought patterns, just stop. get faith in the truth. just being natural without thinking about it so much. learn to be bold and graceful.

[PaulaJaneThomas]

I'm not sure that there's any tips or tricks I can pass on. All I can say is that if I cared what people think about me that would give them a veto over my life and I'll never give that to anyone.

[Sonia Kiss]

Hello Veronica,

Attitude, confidence, shoulders back, head up, smile. :)

Confidence will come with experience. Almost any of us will tell you that. So, maybe you can find some mental tools that will help, but even if you don't, don't worry because your confidence will come with experience.

I don't rely on any sort of mental tools but I can think of some things I do that probably help. It will help you at first especially, to stay busy. Talking with people at your gathering occupies your mind and keeps away the self conscious thoughts. I predict that you'll find the club scene pretty easy because there are so many distractions. Never mind that lots of people are around you, they're all busy. Go order a drink, wander around the place, or best of all, get out there on the dance floor. Yes, even if you've never been a dancer before, you're a girl now and you need to learn. :D I know, it sounds crazy backwards, but you'll actually be less self conscious out on the dance floor than you will be standing against the wall. This just because your mind will be engaged with the dancing.

Taking a different approach, it helps me to use logic. Think of the questions like "what do I care what others think?" and "what's the worst that can happen?" "what's the best that can happen?" "which is more likely?" The mental tool my therapist told me use is to think of that best possible scenario, and visualize it, and imagine it really happening.

Really, I might not be the best to advise you because I'm one of those that isn't even bothered by rude remarks. Depending on the situation, I smile and toss my hair, fire back with my wits, or walk away.

Sonia

[Marla S]

How can I learn to not care what people think of me??
You can't, except you train yourself to become totally ignorant.
We dress because we want that people think of us in a particular way.
We want that they think neutral to positive about of us, but fear they think negative or in the wrong way of us.

What you can do is to learn evaluate the situation and a negative comment.
Become aware that you will get negative comments and that you will be read (if you try to pass) someday.
Don't fear it, face it, learn something about you from it.

It needs practice and self-observation and depends on the actual self-esteem if something hurts you or not.

There will be days when you have a high self-esteem. You will have less fear and you will be able to handle fear and negative situations better.
There will be days when you have a lower self-esteem. The same situation will hurt you and you might have to deal with it for a while.

All this can't be simulated. You have to go out, observe yourself and learn.

As a single tip, which I think is the most important, as already stated above:

Be prepared for negative reactions.

This way you get some control. Having the control is the means to fight the fear.

[MJ]

being full time i can tell you my first time was just like yours .. but over time it goes away . i am out there everyday nothing bothers me anymore and if i get read or something is said just let it go .. you need time being out more thats all .. but don't leave it too long between outings or you will lose your new found confidence that about it

[Veronica Fallon]

the truth has to be more important than feeling good. when you notice that you're caught up in useless thought patterns, just stop. get faith in the truth. just being natural without thinking about it so much. learn to be bold and graceful.

Thanks Chucks. I think you're basically saying, "Take a deep breath & refocus. Is that correct? I tried that on my 1st time out with no success- just tooooo damn weirded out I guess. I'm sure that will work for me over the long-term, but I'm hoping for something like the "rubber-band around the wrist" to re-enforce my intentional refocusing. Maybe there is no easy answer to this. But I think you're right in that I'll find my overall peace through spiritual channels.

Peace, Luv, & Serenity, :Peace::<3::meditate:

Veronica

[KimberlyS]

Veronica, for starters it is ok to be nervous doing something new being it anything in life CDing or otherwise. It sounds like you are off to a great start being part of a group like Tri-Ess or some other support group. Having someone with you to be with should help a lot.

I am not sure where you are at, but additionally a high self acceptance of who you are can help your nerves and self confidence. Along with a good attitude that you can and will do it.

And less nerves comes with confidence which is increased with just doing it more and more. And more.

Having a blending or any look that hides your male identity. Passing IMHO is very optional, and not needed. Going out is a mental game of self confidence and attitude as stated above.

And one additional thing for me was: Get out of town. When I first started going out I was out of town to a conference. I was half way across the country from home and knew no one in town or at the conference. I did not look good, bad out of style clothes and too small, and my first try at makeup. But I figured I did not know anyone there, so if they did, and most likely would see me for a guy in femme clothes and makeup, it just did not matter because I would not ever see them again.

Good luck

KimberlyS-CD

[Donna Marie]

Veronica, great post! I am where you are and definitely stuck. And MJ, you are dead on - I did go way to long between outings and it has been a few years now since I last experienced that rush of being out & about. The way I am now, I doubt if I could find the courage anymore.:(

[Veronica Fallon]

Thank you Sonia, & I admire your attitude! :happy:
Your advice seems both logical & helpful. It reminds me of a common technique of picturing everyone else naked. I can't use that one because I often do that anyway... just for FUN!! :p

V-girl

[Deborah Jane]

As i don,t go out yet [i need more practice with getting "The look" right], i may not be much help!! But one thing i am planning to use is the quick retort e/g-- They say "theres a bloke dressed as a woman"--- i reply "yeah, and bet i still get more real women than you"!!:tongueout Also just don,t give a dam, what are they going to do? Most people that make comments like that are d*ckheads anyway, all mouth, no backup:rolleyes: You just gotta have attitude!!!

[Di]

One tip....imagine in your mind before hand...just picture what you will do ....like walking into a club ect....and just act like you already pictured in your mind .....till you feel comfortable.
Act confident.... shoulders back, head up.
Also if you are going to a club that the other tri ess girls go to ...have them meet you and walk you in. Thats what Sher and I do for the local girls....and I intro them to everyone....so next time it's a breeze.

[sfwarbonnet]

Take small steps. I ran an errand on my scooter today wearing a bra, short tank top, women's shorts, and pantyhose. I stopped to chat with a few friends. If they noticed I was wearing women's slothes, they didn't care. However, when I got back home, I was nervous, and changed back to women's pull-on pants, I also added more bra stuffing as that was easy to remove quickly if someone came to the door.

Previous outings for me had been in pants and a shirt without a filled bra. Next time I may wear a skirt, and then a dress with my pantyhose. I want to expand my crossdressing to being fully dressed, but I want to do it so I feel comfortable.

[Karren H]

As MJ said.. Everyone's first time out was a combination of pure joy and pure terror.. Mine sure for was.. But the more I went out the more confidence I built. And comfort level.. Not something you can trick your mind into doing but something that you can teach yourself to evercome..

I still get butterflys before entering the mall or a croweded store enfemme.. But when the world doesn't end and no one in the place stands up and points and me and calls me. A pervert, the subside quickly.. I get the same feeling before I speak to a few thousand of my collegues too.. Lol. "Stage Fright"". But it goes away once I start talking.. Then ya can shut me up!! Hehe

But its attitude that wins the day.... One that projects that you belong there, dressed as you are... And if you have that attitude then no one will give you a second more closer look... Walk in like your trying to hide something and everyones eyes will be pulled your way... I like to look at people straight in the eye and engage them and smile when I'm out.. Its the easiest way to disarm someone!! Almost always brings a smile in return and usual a hello.. Especially from men.. Lol.

Now a days I'm as comfortable enfemme as I am in drab, sometimes too comfortable... Actually had to look down and see how I was dressed a few times.. I can walk into any store in either mode and buy what ever I want... What other people are thinking is no concern of mine!!

And as far as physical viollence... I don't set myself up to fail.. So I don't put myself in a position where I could get hurt... Staying away from where groups of teenagers congregate.. On friday and saturday nights is just common scence.. And even though I crossdress in public in places like Souther WV where it is not TG friendly.. I succeed because of my attitude.. Ohhh and I figure I could take on at least a couple guys and kick their ass's even in a dress!! Lol

So the biggie here imho, is a kick ass attitude a smile and lots of practice..

Ohhhh and above all else... Have fun... Its what crossdressing is all about.. If it wasn't fun I wouldn't be doing it... Probably be off playing ice hockey!! Lol

[BarbaraTalbot]

...that you are very pretty. There! you see? You do care what people think. What we really want is to be well received preferably with a nice smile.

Marla said this better.

I thought Sonia's response had some good ideas that you can pick and chose from to see whether some distraction external will help or whether some internal self coaching will work. I think a little of both is a good idea.

And btw...


It reminds me of a common technique of picturing everyone else naked. I can't use that one because I often do that anyway... just for FUN!!

I am NOT picturing you naked..erp!

And Karren only 2? I assume you are referring to entirely unarmed hand-to-hand. Remember the wisdom of Tsun Tzu. "The best weapon is the one nearest at hand" A roll of quarters, a leather purse strap garrote, a stiletto.....heel...

[sissystephanie]

I'm not sure that there's any tips or tricks I can pass on. All I can say is that if I cared what people think about me that would give them a veto over my life and I'll never give that to anyone.

Amen to that, Paula!

All that is required to overcome the concern of "what do people think of me" is to NOT CARE!! No more and no less. Be confident of who YOU are, and don't be concerned about the people who might give you "funny" looks. If I am out in public and somebody looks at my skirt, I just smile and say, "it is much cooler then pants.":heehee: The whole trick is to not care what other people think. You are who you are, not who somebody else thinks you should be!

BTW, I don't even try to "pass," but I often go out dressed totally feminine including shoes. I just don't care about peoples reactions. I know I am a man, but I prefer to dress as a woman!! So I do!:love:

Sissy

More Girl than man sometimes

[chucks]

Thanks Chucks. I think you're basically saying, "Take a deep breath & refocus. Is that correct? I tried that on my 1st time out with no success- just tooooo damn weirded out I guess. I'm sure that will work for me over the long-term, but I'm hoping for something like the "rubber-band around the wrist" to re-enforce my intentional refocusing. Maybe there is no easy answer to this. But I think you're right in that I'll find my overall peace through spiritual channels.

Peace, Luv, & Serenity, :Peace::<3::meditate:

Veronica

i'm saying there is no how because to ask how is just more confusion, head-games and "caring". you can find a place where all that disappears and you're spontaneous. and you'll know you can't control what people think about you and thinking about what other people are thinking about is just a huge fake mess.

you'll never get lasting satisfaction from the result of thought processes. they rob you of a calm trained mind.

[nikki_t]

Veronica, I saw your photo in this post:

http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?p=1004782#post1004782

and believe me... you have everything to be confident about!!! The biggest problem you will face is how to keep the guys off you. :2c:

[Andi]

Maybe we should get some little bracelets made with "WWKD" on them - "What Would Karren DO?"; Hutton that is. She's my heroine and breaks a lot of new ground for us girls. HeeHee.....:happy:

[MJ]

[QUOTE]As i don,t go out yet [i need more practice with getting "The look" right],

please don't do that most of us would never get outside , you just need to get out there and just have fun baby steps and over time stay out longer


[QUOTE]As MJ said.. Everyone's first time out was a combination of pure joy and pure terror.. Mine sure for was.. But the more I went out the more confidence I built. And comfort level.. Not something you can trick your mind into doing but something that you can teach yourself to evercome..

karren is right you just have to get out there and have fun the more you are out the easer it gets
Veronica, I 've seen your photo too you look great i wish i look that good my first time out you have nothing to fear hun

[sterling12]

Hi:

We have all gone through this. Your first few meetings can be very difficult. However, you WILL get over those feelings of self-consciousness. It's the same sort of feeling that you had at your first dance, the first adolescent party, your first time out at a business meeting. You got over your feelings of dread in those situations, you will conquer these fears also.

How to cope? You don't need to know anything special except, "Don't give up!" Fight those feelings and you will find it gets easier with each passing hour. Hang with your Sista's, concentrate on them and not on the people around you. If your Lauderdale Group is anything like Tampa, older members will go out of their way to engage you in conversation, keep you occupied, and try to make you feel supported. We have all gone through this, we know how it often feels for new members who have never been out.

Please take a deep breath and enjoy yourself tomorrow night, find yourself a "Big Sista," and emulate her. She won't mind if you are "attached at the hip." She knows you will soon blossom and really enjoy the gift. If you get up to Tampa, let us know at Tri-Beta. You have guest privileges, once your a dues paying member to National. We would love to show you some hospitality!

Peace and Love, Joanie

[Marcie Sexton]

My trips out in public has been very limited to say the least, but it amount to attitude and confidence...all of which I am slowly getting...

Go girls, get out there and let the world see you...

[susie evans]

i think karren is right on and with time and practice it does become a lot easeyr and watch where you go and have fun :hugs:

susie

[Veronica Fallon]

Thank you Di, this will probably help with any "fear of the unknown"...


One tip....imagine in your mind before hand...just picture what you will do ....like walking into a club ect....and just act like you already pictured in your mind .....till you feel comfortable.

...it would be a good meditation base and it will help keep my mind busy, as wisely suggested by Sonia. I think part of it for me is just plain ole' lack of confidence. At home I express my femininity naturally, deeply, thouroughly, & comfortably. It comes from an unconscious level & gives me inherent confidence as a woman. But out, it took me 2 hours just to start feeling femme! So I had to pretend to feel what had previously come so naturally. All of the sudden I had to think & work at being feminine, & I was overly concerned about all the little things I might be forgetting. My confidence was gone & I felt lost. So yes, I think I'll put all your suggestions together as a pre-outing confidence enhancer!

And thank you Marla for the kind of practical advice all us "with one foot still in the closet" can use!

You're right too Danielle, I already am mad at my fear, so I might as well use that against it! :doh: Thank you!

Big thanks to you Karren...

So the biggie here imho, is a kick ass attitude a smile and lots of practice..

... not just for the solid, bottom-line advice, but even more for being a true model of courage, confidence, wisdom & humor. The example you set (& your sharing of it) are probably more valuable here than you know! :thumbup:

Hi again Chucks. That's a spiritual truth we should apply in all of life. It's one I'm evolving with over time, but it seemed beyond my grasp in the heat of the moment that night. But your reminder of what's essential will help me next time!

Oh thank you Nikki, sweet compliments are always great for confidence! :D

And AndiGirl, I luv your idea...

Maybe we should get some little bracelets made with "WWKD" on them - "What Would Karren DO?"; Hutton that is. She's my heroine and breaks a lot of new ground for us girls. HeeHee.....

...it would actually be a very tangible example of what I was seeking with this thread. Just twirl my wrist, feel the bracelet, & "borrow" some of Karren's confidence until my own kicks in!

Thank all of you- it's exactly this kind of support that is opening our closet doors to such a rich, expansive, beautiful, growing world!! :love::gh::love:

Luv & Hugz & More of Each,

Veronica

[DonnaT]

I agree with Paula.

My life. I own it. I'm not going to let what other may think, worry me one bit.

[Dita_B]

I just discovered your thread, I looked at your picture and was stunned... You look like a natural beauty gurl!

On top of everything that has already been said above, I would like to add that your outing starts at home in front of the mirror...

If you like what you see there... through your "man's" eyes, than you are good to go... I do that all the time... I parade in front of the mirror and look at myself and if I look like the woman that would attract my "men's" attention, than I know I have nothing to fear but myself...

I looked at your skirt and I think I have exactly the same one (I am going to publish pictures of it as soon as I can start a new thread again)...and the skirt is definitely too short for the Mall. I would advise you to wear something in which you feel sexy but not THAT sexy... If you click on my avatar you'll see what I look like when I go there...

You also look like you are a tall girl which helps with avoiding cruel comments. Tall = powerful, people are always intimidated by tall girls... I go to the Malls at least twice a week and I have no qualms anymore...Actually I seek out the places where most people gather as a personal challenge. And aside from some stares sometimes, I have no problems...

Yes you'll get the occasional comment... yesterday I had two of them... one was from guy shopping with his wife and he said something like: 'Oh we are walking so confident today heh?" which I saw made his wife visibly upset - at him not at me...

And the other was on the parking lot from a group of young kids from where one was jumping up and down and pointing at me making faces... Now I was already in my car and turning away... and he was the only one in the group who wanted to play clown the others looked sheepishly...

What it did to me? Absolutely NOTHING... I ignore them, say nothing and I just take it for what it is and go on with enjoying being out there en femme. I know I look good and that is the only thing important to me...

My advise is just keep doing what you are doing and by the looks of your picture, you have nothing to worry about...

And finally, remember everyone looks at a pretty girl... It is a fact of life for them...So get used to it girl, because you are pretty...

:love:Dita.

[Melanie R]

Veronica,

I have probably been out in public more than most on this board over the last 27 years. The truth is after all these years I still have some apprehension when out in public. In the few instances when my dressing caused conflict and commotion such as around a red neck person(s), I tried to help the person(s) see that I am a person even he could admire - if he looks beyond the clothing. In many instances this has worked. In some cases these individuals are so insecure about their own masculinity or in the case of some women their own femininity , my crossdressing will continue to be a threat for them. To them I say, at least to myself, this is your problem not mine. Get a life. I am enjoying mine.

As a side note, Veronica, on October 21 at 7 PM come to the Fort Lauderdale Ramada Airport dining room and meet many of the people who will be on the Dignity cruise. Have dinner with us. Donna and wife from your Tri-Ess chapter will be there I think. They are on the cruise.

Hugs,

Melanie

[Fab Karen]

and you'll know you can't control what people think about you and thinking about what other people are thinking about is just a huge fake mess.

you'll never get lasting satisfaction from the result of thought processes. they rob you of a calm trained mind.

Eckhart Tolle says that we should realize sometimes our mind comes up with insane thoughts with no tie to reality. He says we should just observe them as if we were another person watching, "my mind is thinking this," & we realize it is JUST A THOUGHT, like waking from a dream it comes upon us that it's not real.

[Joy Carter]

Simply stated. "It's All About You." The others don't matter. :2c:

[Paula Wilder]

I was having the same feelings last year, and just decided to immerse myself in the world - en femme. I did a complete waxing and makeover, packed the car with my female wardrobe and went away for a whole week by myself. I never put on my male clothes for the whole week and by day 2 I was feeling pretty confident. By the end of the week, it seemed very natural to be en femme 24/7 and most people responded to me very pleasantly - no problems at all. So, the morale is (at least for me) the more you do it the more comfortable it will be for you! Have fun!

[crusadergirl]

I have gone out a few times and i was scared but i did it anyways. Its not easy but what are ppl going to do are say to me i really don't care that much. I'm not looking to pass i just want to be me. The only advice i can give you is just be your self it don't matter what others think it only matters what you think of your self.

[Mitch23]

No universal panacea here. I always care very much what people do or say or think. I'm always a nervous wreck when I go out but it goes away and i quickly get to enjoy the experience. Make sure you only put yourself in safe situations, think positive thoughts - I have a RIGHT to be here, I'm not a pervie in a frock. The public don't care, tradespeople don't care. do it little and often, on your own or with friends. It will seem more and more natural and you will enjoy the experience more and more

mitch

[maryjanecapri]

all i can tell you is that i walk around with blinders on. i don't know how or why but eventually i just stopped seeing people when i'm out. when i look toward a person that is looking at me i always look beyond them.

i guess i decided i didn't want to see the ugliness of the world so i chose to simply not look. do i know things are being said? sure. but if i can live in a wee bit of ignorance while i'm out it helps to give me confidence to do what i do.

sounds a bit confusing and maybe a bit odd but it works for me.

[Eugenie]

I think that things aren't that easy. Some of us are more self conscious than others, even in drab mode...

So if you are one of the very selfconscious persons, you will have the same feelings of being judged by others when dressed "en femme", perhaps just a little worse...

I know the problem, as I'm one of these persons. I'm always concerned about what other people may think about me, eventhough my rational self knows that most people really don't care...

Trying to overcome that inner selfconsciousness is a long and difficult process for which the help of good friends is a precious element...

I'm working at it, but it sure takes a lot of energy out of me...

Actually the friends on this forum and others have tremendously helped me... Thank you all.

:hugs:
Eugenie

[Kate Simmons]

I try not to think too much of myself as either a guy or a girl and don't take myself all that seriously. My "mission" when I go out is to visit with my friends, dance and have fun. If I encounter anyone in the process, I'm simply cordial and polite and treat them the way I would want to be treated. I've found that if I don't make a big deal of it, most others will not either. There is the occasional close minded person but, oh well their loss I figure and it takes nothing away from me as a person. Works for me.:happy:

[Jazzmine]

Hi Veronica,

I think there is some magic in Chucks advice of "don't think, just do". There is power in boldness and you take back control of your life when you are bold.
But if you think too much you can never be bold. So boldness and doing go together hand in glove.

On a different tack...worrying about what other people think of you is the best way I know to undermine your boldness.

Remember this is your life. Imagine looking back on your life after you have died. I bet you'll say to yourself "I should have gone out dressed more often".

Because I am very shy I get a severe case of people fears if I think too much about other people around me. I have discovered that if I don't look at other people I feel no fear. It is only when I look for their reaction I start getting people fears. So guess what - I just don't look at other people to get feedback. For me it works a treat. I just go about my business and stuff any body else. You can probably find and develop your own work arounds for your own fears.

I also have a simple set of reminders I repeat to myself as follows:
I don't know these people and they don't know me
I have never seen these people before and I'll probably never see them again
This is my time to live my life and express myself. I have a duty (to myself and God) to fulfil all my talents and discover everything about myself. Leave no stone unturned.
Living is doing. It is not thinking about living.
So start living NOW!

There is only one question/proviso I can think of that may stop you going out:
What are the consequences for you of going out dressed?
Obviously it can have economic, social and relationship consequences.
So the question you have is "Is it worth it to me?"
Every decision includes what you gain AND what you give up.
Only you can answer that and your decision is right no matter what you choose here.

Hope that helps
Hugs Jazzmine

[sfwarbonnet]

Took another small step today, as I wore a bra and pabties to a gym. I intended to not shower and put my street clothers on over my gym shorts and shirt. However, there was noone else in the locker room so I took off my shorts (exposing my panties) and put on pants. Still noone else there, so I took off my gym top (exposing my bra) and put on my street shirt, When I left, someone else came. Good timing...

[Rachel Morley]

Hi Veronica,

You look like a total babe in this pic (http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?p=1004782#post1004782) you have nothing to worry about. That said, I do know what you mean when you say: "feeling insecure about what I imagine they're merely thinking of me" - me too girlfriend! This is exactly how it is for me. I feel I look reasonably good, certainly close enough for people to treat me as I'm presenting (if they wanted to) - i.e. a woman. If they want to treat me as a man when I'm dressed that's ok too. I'd rather not get sir-ed by the checker at the grocery store but I can live with it if they treat me nice. But when I'm not feeling confident and I think people are looking at me and not saying anything, I always think the worst.

So what to do? Well, my wife tells me that people look at other people all the time. As someone who is presenting as a woman, then you're gonna get even more looks because that's what "as a woman" is going to happen. Men always look at women, and woman look at women too. People always look at each other .... it's just what we do. You can't stop people thinking whatever it is they're thinking, but you can change how what you're thinking effects you. Only you can allow things to make you think a certain way. My point is you can't change what happens ... you can only change how it effects you.

Think positive. Do know that people are going to casually look at you, and just because they do, don't assume that they're looking at your clothes or thinking that you are not what you appear to be. Even if they are looking at your clothes, who's to say they're not actually looking at the color or style of your sweater rather than the person in it and that they might be a man not a woman.

My wife has shown me that almost all of my fears are in my head. It's too close to call. I generally get treated as I present .... as a woman. In my case, even if I do get read, and even if the person subtly lets me know that they've read me, or even call me sir (thankfully the sir-ing rarely happens), they never (not yet anyway) give me a hard time about it or do anything more than smile in a knowing way.

My worst moments were one time in line in the grocery store with guys both in front of me and behind me in the line, and they were both looking at me. I didn't know where to look so I just pretended to look at the women's magazines on the stand at the side of me. No one said anything to my face and nothing bad happened. The other time was when I was leaving the house to get in the car to go to our Sacramento Delta Girls (http://geocities.com/sigma_delta_gamma/) Tri-Ess social. The car was parked in the street not our driveway like it normally is and as I walked to it there was a group of loud talking guys by a truck the opposite side of the road from my car in front of their house. I could feel their eyes burning on me as I walked to my car and drove off. They all looked. I just held my head up high, ignored them, and got on with it, whilst at the same time thinking that this is what women experience almost every day - guys checking them out. Ok, GGs possibly get checked out for different reasons than me (they look cute and the guy's fancy them) whereas I get checked out because maybe I might appear to be a crossdresser to them. Either way, I got looked at and I had to just ignore it and carry on like I had every right in the world to do what I was doing .... and I did! :happy:

Think happy thoughts and just do it.

[Chantelle CD]

I find what you feel, others pick up on, and can see, i try to get rid of the fear, if you cant, then get out of the area, there may be a reason. Be strong in your femme traits, feel it naturally, Keep an eye out for those that look like trouble and avoid them, see them before they see you. If your like me, when you get fully dressed up, your totally unrecognizable, so don't sweat it, the biggest thing that gets your read, is slipping and feeling normal, your normal way you hold your face, and look, has a male look about it, keep your focus, and be that woman. Your gonna get read, so what, the people that do read you, don't judge them, make you feel fear, they only judge cause they don't know what there doing, if it doesn't bother you, then the only one there hurting is themselves, smile love to them and move on. Just watch for trouble, and stay away from it, there are those that will feel threatened by you, or such, If you feel fear and scared, you will lead yourself into trouble, if you feel good, relaxed, no fear, you will lead yourself to a good time, but ALWAYS watch for it, you can pick trouble a mile away, you know real he men, a group of young girls, loud obnoxious people, stuff like that, see em before they see you, and avoid there gaze.

[ReineD]

I googled your subject line and came up with this:

http://www.wikihow.com/Not-Care-What-People-Think

There are good strategies here. What stood out for me is the idea that the world was made for you (and the rest of us) too. Many, if not most people will be open to what you have to offer.

... now if I can only remember this for myself! :)

[Veronica Fallon]

I wanted to thank you all again, I can definitely sense your advice effecting positive changes in me! :D

Thank you Dita! I admire & want to emulate the confidence you describe in yourself, & your compliments will surely help me to do so! :kiss:

Melanie- you set a fine example of what we newerish girls can achieve for ourselves in the world, & how we can feel about ourselves inside. I'll do my best to follow proudly in your footsteps! And I look very forward to meeting you all for dinner!! :D

Yes indeed Fab Karen, I've been practicing those kinds of techniques in other areas of my life for a few years now & they really do work if we get out of the way to let them. But I've been forgetting those truths way too often lately. Thanks for the timely reminder!

I'm the type who will probably always start out with a whole flock or two of butterflies in my tummy, but I think they'll stick around less & less as I get used to being out. Thanks for pointing that out Mitch! Another lil' trick to carry in my purse! :heehee:

Ignorance actually can be bliss Maryjane. Your method goes with another here, about keeping my mind focused on what's real, instead of what's only imagined. I'll use your advice too. Thanks!


I think that things aren't that easy. Some of us are more self conscious than others, even in drab mode...
I know the problem, as I'm one of these persons. I'm always concerned about what other people may think about me, eventhough my rational self knows that most people really don't care...

...You understand me Eugenie. That fact alone helps. Thank you! Just finding the wonderful general support we all have here has been the best thing to happen to me since meeting my S/O!! No matter our specific differences, we all know each other in a unique way & we care about each other because of it. I'll always be a lil' more shy than some, but I'm sure it'll be a lot less than I'd be without you all!! :gh:

Great reply Jazzy! Your advice contains not only the kind of short-term "trick" I was looking for, but also the long-term truth to support it! Thanks!!

And thank you Rachel & the others here who've reminded me that the sheer "bravery" we girls need to possess is another reason to hold my chin high as I embrace the world!!
"It ain't easy being Tee-Gee!!"

Wow Chantelle...

I find what you feel, others pick up on, and can see, i try to get rid of the fear, if you cant, then get out of the area, there may be a reason.

...a very good point!! I've always had a fairly strong "women's intuition", until... I became more of a woman! :silly:
You've shown me a true value in (re)developing my intuition- to separate my manufactured fears from potential real ones, & thus avoid possible danger! Excellent talent to foster girl!! :clap:

Thank you Reine, I've bookmarked that for future reference- quite useful information!

And thank all of you for caring & offering your help!! Luv you all!! :love:

I'm sure I'll do better next Saturday, & enjoy it much more!
In fact, I've already benefited from your help here. My S/O-GGF & I went shopping yesterday (en-drabbe) for the last few items I'll need for next week. I tried my best to not hide my currently 1 inch+ nails as I shopped, & got some funny looks, but I just smiled & moved on. Still VERY nervous, but now more empowered to "fake it 'till I make it!" I also tried on some new foundation & a pair of black heels... right in front of two other shoppers!! I know that's nothing to many of you, but it was a BIG step for me!!! The point is that I'm using the confidence you've all lent me & the tools you've given, to practice gaining control of my irrational fear in smaller arenas, to prepare for the bigger one. I think it's working!

I'm on my way now, I think, & hopefully I'll do us all proud! I'm sure I'll be too excited after next weekend to resist sharing it here, so tune in again folks, same TV channel, same TV time!! :heehee:

Big Luv,

[I]Veronica

[Edwina]

Veronica
This thread has inspired me, the positive comments from all our sisters are fantastic.
In the spirit of "who cares" I have discarded my sunglasses (there was a song about sunglasses in the 60's ?)
and post a more recent avitar
:love: to you all
Edwina

[Mitch23]

A personal example. Out today with a friend at Lanhydrock house and gardens (local stately home). Lots of people about - quite obvious that we were two trannies on a day out - told eveyone that we were 'ladies who lunch' out for a nice day out. we both exuded confidence and were just accepted. even got complete strangers to take piccies of us! I got bags of confidence from the girls here when i took my first nervous steps (26 letters of support) - now I hope I can pass some of that on to others

mitch