Monique Althea
09-14-2007, 11:10 PM
...for the first time in ten months. I had to pack away the clothing and grow out the body hair back at the beginning of the year as my parents were here for a couple of months, and after they left, the urge to dress didn't return...not right away, anyway. I didn't mind. To a certain extent, I had reached a certain level of self-acceptance and had found other ways for my feminine side to manifest herself. But I actually enjoyed giving my masculine side some attention, even though I knew full well I would dress again eventually.
The urge to dress finally began to return towards the end of July. And yet...I have misgivings about going out tomorrow night. A couple of years ago when I first decided to give into my dressing urges and try going out dressed, I discovered a side of myself that was able to exist beyond my wildest imagination...and yet now I don't know what I want to do about it. I don't have an SO right now, and frankly, getting dressed and going to the mall (or wherever) alone is...just not all that much fun. Seaching for the right female seems like more of a priority, but if anything holds me back in my relationships with the opposite sex, it's the knowledge that I'd have to tell them about my dressing sooner rather than later.
I also was hesitant to shave my body hair after ten months. Frankly, my male side likes having the hair, while, of course, my female side looks better without it. I hate having all of these complicated emotions, and I hate how I feel so conflicted by such a simple matter as my body hair.
I guess I'm dressing tomorrow because looking at my schedule through the rest of the year, I don't know when I'll be able to do it again anytime soon. It's a tri-ess thing up in St. Pete, and I won't be able to stay there very late as I have to work first thing Sunday morning. I'll be wearing the red suit I'm wearing in the other thread I started, and I'll probably get photos. I'll shave, put on nails, the whole nine yards.
And I'm nervous. As many times as I've gone out dressed, as many places as I've gone as Monique, there's always that unease. Mostly because in the past I've been out somewhere, driving around, and I'll have no idea what to do or where to go.
I'm rambling here. And whining, I know. I have another blog where I ramble about stuff, but not the CDing stuff. Experience tells me, however, that there is a chance I'll feel completely different in 24 hours, having finally do it after so long. But I get tired of not knowing how to fit my dressing into my life, and how to balance both sides of myself.
The urge to dress finally began to return towards the end of July. And yet...I have misgivings about going out tomorrow night. A couple of years ago when I first decided to give into my dressing urges and try going out dressed, I discovered a side of myself that was able to exist beyond my wildest imagination...and yet now I don't know what I want to do about it. I don't have an SO right now, and frankly, getting dressed and going to the mall (or wherever) alone is...just not all that much fun. Seaching for the right female seems like more of a priority, but if anything holds me back in my relationships with the opposite sex, it's the knowledge that I'd have to tell them about my dressing sooner rather than later.
I also was hesitant to shave my body hair after ten months. Frankly, my male side likes having the hair, while, of course, my female side looks better without it. I hate having all of these complicated emotions, and I hate how I feel so conflicted by such a simple matter as my body hair.
I guess I'm dressing tomorrow because looking at my schedule through the rest of the year, I don't know when I'll be able to do it again anytime soon. It's a tri-ess thing up in St. Pete, and I won't be able to stay there very late as I have to work first thing Sunday morning. I'll be wearing the red suit I'm wearing in the other thread I started, and I'll probably get photos. I'll shave, put on nails, the whole nine yards.
And I'm nervous. As many times as I've gone out dressed, as many places as I've gone as Monique, there's always that unease. Mostly because in the past I've been out somewhere, driving around, and I'll have no idea what to do or where to go.
I'm rambling here. And whining, I know. I have another blog where I ramble about stuff, but not the CDing stuff. Experience tells me, however, that there is a chance I'll feel completely different in 24 hours, having finally do it after so long. But I get tired of not knowing how to fit my dressing into my life, and how to balance both sides of myself.