Divorce Process...So Far

[Rhonda Jean]

If anyone is interested, and in hopes that it might help someone, here's what's happend so far im my divorce process.

To briefly recap. My seemingly tolerant wife of 29 years confronted me about the "women't things" the Friday evening before memorial day. I swore I'd stop. Threw out all my stuff. Cut my hair. She continued to ask" How do I know it won't come back" and say "I need some space".

I took the kids camping on Father's Day weekend. When we came back, she had moved out. She said then she didn't know if she ever come back. She didn't.

She filed for divorce on August 14. I was served on the 17th. 20 days and a lot of legal expense later (yesterday) we had our first hearing for temporary custody, who lives in the house and a basic order on who pays for what.

In two weeks she will move back into the house and have primary custody of our 16 year old son. I don't know where I'm going to go.

The split of the expenses was pretty fair. I'll be making the house payment, but she'll be making some other payments on joint debt.

I hate to leave the house. We built this house 13 years ago. But, I am very emotional. Everywhere I looked in the house reminded me of her. Of when this house was a happy home to our family. There was no escaping the constant reminders that this once happy home was now neither happy nor home. As hard as it is going to be to leave, as hard as it will be to trade living in a really nice house for a dumpy one, I think in the long run I'll recover quicker not having to face those constant reminders.

I am constantly sad. I'm not on the bottom anymore, but still very sad. I am hoping that when she moves back in and is faced with those same reminders that she might change her mind, but I really don't think she will. She seems to want a divorce from me more than she has ever wanted anything. She seems to be enjoying single life. She has moved on. I have not, and I don't know when or if I will.

I have not crossdressed since this all started. After I move out, after all hope is gone for reconciliation, I'll probably start crossdressing again. After all, I'll have privacy and freedom I've never had before. I didn't ask for it. I didn't want it. But, that's the hand I've been dealt. Maybe resuming my crossdressing will help ease my pain.

I'll still have to hide it from my kids when they visit, but other than that I'll have more time and opportunity than I've ever had in my life. As exciting as that should sound, I can't get excited about it. I'd trade all that freedom to crossdress to have my wife back in a minute. When I told her I'd give it up, I meant it, and I would have done it. It doesn't seem important to keep that vow now that the only person I'd make that sacrifice for is gone, and aparently hates me.

Having said that, I'd resume crossdressing with some trepedation. I know I'll soon want to start venturing into the dating world. I've always had a woman in my life. I can't imagine being happy without that. I guess I'll have to try to enjoy the freedom to crossdress at will for a while. I doubt that I'll find that to be entirely satisfying. After I've done that for a while I'll probably cut my hair again, let the body hair grow, and try dating. I'll try my best to not let crossdressing enter into my next realtionship. I'll have the opportunity to explore both sides. Being a lonely crossdresser or putting that completely behind me and finding a fulfilling realtionship with a woman. Something tells me the fulfilling realtionship will win out. I wish I'd had the opportunity to prove that it won out with my wife. She is STILL all I want, no matter what I had to give up. Crossdressing is inconsequential compared to her.

On the good side, my crossdressing was not brought up in the court proceeding. I told my lawyer I couldn't afford to have that become public. My wife had told me early on that she didn't want to make it public, but I got the feeling that her lawyer was itching to bring it up, and if I had been really confrontationl on anythig he probably had her blessing to play that trump card. It might not have changed anything, but they knew they could keep me in line just because of the possibility of outing me.

I probably could have fought for the house and won. After all, it was she who moved out 3 months ago. I really didn't want to fight for it, even without the threat of outing. As I said, I feel like I have to escape some of these constant reminders if I'm going to begin to heal.

I pray to God this never happens to any of you. Realize you are playing with fire. There are no words to describe the pain. A happy realtionship for 29 years suddenly morphed into hate (on one side) is nearly unbearable. I would have preferred death, but not suicide. I wouldn't do that to my kids.

If crossdressing has already become a part of your relationship... Communicate. Even when its very uncomfortable. Don't push the envelope. In fact, take just a little less than you are given. She's probably trying to give more that she's really comfortable with (mine did) because she loves you and wants you to be happy. Give her plenty of time with you as a guy. Leave the girly stuff home on your anniversary trip.

I could go on and on. Basically I'd say, although I know this will be very unpopular, if you have a great relationship with your wife and you want to keep her more that anything else in your life, keep the crossdressing out of it. If she loves you equally she won't want to deny you, even if it's killing her inside. It will catch up with you. If you are in the closet... Stay there! Wish I had.

Rhonda

[Sarah Rabbit]

Crossdressing or No crossdressing, Divorce, especially when hate is involved is a very messy business. Legal Proceedings allow a vindictive spouse to revenge themselves against you for any real or perceived injustices of the past. The only ones who win are the lawyers, everyone else loses.

Good luck to you, and no matter how bad it may seem to get, keep your spirits up. You will come out the other side in the end. Life will go on

Sarah R. :bunny:

[Jessica1]

Rhonda, my heart TRULY goes out to you and I'm so so sorry to hear about this. :(
This is not pity just more an attempt at empathy. Do you have any support network for yourself during this time? Anyone you can process your feelings with?
Not going to give you platitudes .... just hope this pain eventually subsides for you.

www.myspace.com/jezzebel1

[Cherry Lynn]

Must be something with the 29 years because mine filed for divorce first week of July and we have been married 29 years also.

[Veronica Fallon]

I'm sorry you're having to go through this Rhonda, pain sucks.
I've never lost anything of value because of my crossressing, but I have been in similar pain. Only time & your willful efforts to create new happiness will heal your wounds. I send you wishes of hope, faith, & love. Keep yourself close to all three & you'll be happy again!

Luv & Big Hugz,

Veronica

[RylieCD]

I am so sorry for your lost, You are right that communication is the key, as for staying in the closet, I tried and I know many of you are and I do not know how you could be in the closet with someone you are so close to. As my wife says "they will find out". She sure did, I am glad she did but sorry I have to put her through this. If I could give it up I would, but as many of you know this is not something we can give up.

Best of luck

[Daintre]

Hi Rhonda, I read your post with great interest, I know about divorce, as I have been through that. Having the fear of being outed hanging over your head puts you in a poor bargaining position. You have a lawyer, use him, fight for what is yours, I didn't and regret it even today. I am not saying be an ass, I am saying you need to take what is rightfully yours, the lawyer you hire will guide you. I realize that you would have chucked the whole CD thing away if it meant staying married, but as you said...she has moved on, now it is time for you to pick up the pieces and move on also. If I can be of any support PM me....good luck my friend.

[Carin's Wife GG]

I am so sorry for your pain. Carin and i have had some difficult times about CDing and I cannot imagine doing to her what has been done to you. Again this GG is very sorry for the losses you are going through.


Louise.

[Veronica53]

All I can say is I feel bad for anyone in your situation and hope you will get past it sooner than later. At some point you will move on.

:love:Veronica

[angelfire]

Rhonda, I'm sorry to hear about happened. I know it will feel like a part of you is missing, and it will be hard, but hang in there.

Despite the hate she feels, she still must care to some extent, because she didn't bring up your CDing. At least she had that much decency.

But divorce can happen to anyone (obviously, unless you are not married) for any reason, CD or not. Divorce rates are so high now days, it seems to be happening more and more.

I wish you the best in this ordeal.

[Alice B]

There is not a lot one can say about your situation except that we are sorry for you and that it sucks. I've had a couple of divorces in my life, but they were fair and friendly. I can't help but wonder if there is another person some where in the background. Not a nice thought, but one that is far more common than one would think. In any event your life will get better and you will be a better and wiser person because of it. As other have said, once you reenter the dating world be open about your desire to dress. Based upon what I've read in this forum there are women out there that will accept it and maybe even embrace it, making for a wonderful and very strong reationship. I wish you all the best.:love:

[MJ]

i too feel your pain , i was married for 21 years to the woman i loved , i know how it hurts to look at a house that was ours and know it's all gone ..
was this worth all the heart ace and pain , i wonder if the girls here with accepting S.O understand ho lucky they relay are

[Sedona]

Yes, good luck with this process. I can't imagine what you're going through. Hang in there!

[MsJanessa]

Hi Hon---I know what youre going through---divorced people form the biggest club in America---My thought is that as time goes by you will feel better about it---I also sense a lot of guilt about your x-dressing---if you folks had been married for 29 years and she has known and tolerated your dressing for all or most of that time, then I suspect that there are other things not connected with it that played a bigger part in her leaving-- so don't let her lay some type of guilt trip on you by blaming your dressing--after having put up with it for almost three decades, I seriously doubt its the reason the marriage ended. In any event don't let her take you to the cleaners financially---make sure you have a competant divorce lawyer who can get a fair settlement for you. And as far as not letting crossdressing into your next relationship--that would be a big mistake---you are who you are and rather than trying to be someone different in order to impress a new SO, what you should be doing is finding someone who loves you for you and not what they thing a "man" should be like---in other words darling find an SO who not only tolerates CDing but enjoys her man when s/he does it---maybe is even turned on by it---such women do exist---I've met them and you will too.

[Tree GG]

I am truly sorry to hear of your situation. I will not presume to know whys of her decision and can see you are crushed by her choice. I'm sure it sucks big time.

I would like to comment on your either/or view of crossdressing and a relationship. Hiding who you are, what you enjoy (letting your body hair grow back, etc) in hopes of attracting a partner is a bad idea. It's repeating the same mistake, IMO. I would fully support "toning it down" if that's what you're comfortable with, but please don't enter another relationship presenting an incomplete version of yourself. It can be (is in our case) difficult to incorporated transgendered issues in a relationship, but as many here show by example, it is possible.

Your comments do imply alot of guilt on your part. Please remember that she also had the responsibility to be honest & considerate and if she did give more than she was comfortable with, it was her responsibility and choice to do so. If she found that unbearable, it was her mistake.

Best of luck to you and hope your healing is quick and complete. :hugs:

[Marcie Sexton]

I too have been in your shoes, although not for that reason. She was a user who has now went through her thrid husband after medical school.

I would suggest specificied visitation, simply because as mine was reasonable & seasonable is just to vague...

While I'm sure there are lots of memories you have with her, now isa the time to start a new...Trust me my wife is a blessing that I never knew was possible...Even with all the memories I had with my first wife, the memories I now have make the past pale in comparison...and yes I did have a son in my first marriage, I did pay support, and the last time I seen him he was 6 that was 18 years ago. So the reason of specified visitation...

Hang in there there is a woman who will make your life very happy, accepting you as you are, not what she wants...and yes other than your son, will make all those memories of the past pale compared too the future...

God Bless and good luck...

[tommi]

Rhonda
Thank you for sharing and goodluck :hugs:

[Rhonda Jean]

You all are too kind.

Actually, things took another turn for the worse yesterday. Waiting for me in the mail was 18 pages of interrogatories. More possibility of being outed. Cding was not worth it. Wish I'd had a crystal ball.

As much as I don't want the divorce, I think I'm ready for it to be over. One can only take so much fear, worry, rejection, and emotional turmoil. If I didn't so passionately love her, this would be easier.

One thing about it, and this didn't start happening until very recently, but each "ugly" moment or event has begun to chip away at my love for her. At first they just didn't register. It's good that they're beginning to. It'll make it easier to accept the end.

I have a lot of guilt and remorse. I wish I could undo it all. I don't think I'll ever get over it, but I will survive (I guess). I'm so sorry that I ever caused her any pain. I wish I could have another chance to make her happy. That's not going to happen.

Thanks for being there for me.

[MJ]

You all are too kind.

Actually, things took another turn for the worse yesterday. Waiting for me in the mail was 18 pages of interrogatories. More possibility of being outed. Cding was not worth it. Wish I'd had a crystal ball.

As much as I don't want the divorce, I think I'm ready for it to be over.
One can only take so much fear, worry, rejection, and emotional turmoil. If I didn't so passionately love her, this would be easier.

the emotional turmoil. will go away with time , i know you love her but please remember to look out for number one ... OK
One thing about it, and this didn't start happening until very recently,
but each "ugly" moment or event has begun to chip away at my love for her. At first they just didn't register. It's good that they're beginning to. It'll make it easier to accept the end.

please don't think of it as an end .. but a new beginning .. it will get better over time

I have a lot of guilt and remorse. I wish I could undo it all. I don't think I'll ever get over it, but I will survive (I guess). I'm so sorry that I ever caused her any pain. I wish I could have another chance to make her happy. That's not going to happen.

i said the same thing but in the end it was best to move on .. and that my friend is why i find it so hard to give my heart to another ... boy does it hurt
should you need someone to talk to or rant "pm" me anytime
all the best
Thanks for being there for me.
this is what an on line support group is for :D

[Tommie Rae]

and no one really wants to think that about the person they love. In January my wife found a pair of my earrings (and thankfully that was the only femme attire I had) and blew up. Said she couldn't take this anymore, left for several days, cold, stony silence...you all know the drill. I went to counselling and a therapist - she refused to go. I had suspected that she was fooling around on the side and was pretty sure I knew who it was. When spouses get involved with other people they get careless and leave clues. You don't think CDs are the only ones trying to cover their tracks do you? Anyway, I politely but firmly confronted the guy and he admitted that they were involved. The next day I politely but firmly confronted my wife. She denied it at first but I already had his admission so she finally owned up to it. He had already called her and told her that I knew so they came up with a cover story that had enough elements of the truth without telling me everything. Anyway, big blow up, lots of drama. The very next day I found out my father was dying and had only a short time to live. I went to Texas for a last visit-left her at home. When I came back I talked with my neighbor who is a friend and former pastor and told him everything-and I mean everything! I then talked with my wife and told her that she was free to leave anytime she wanted to, but I would prefer that she stay and try to work things out. She stayed, we are still together, communication is better. She stays away from the guy and I stay away from being a CD, but it isn't easy for either of us. We both want to stray but decided that being together is just better for us. But look closely at your wife's motives and take care of you!

[JulieC]

If you are in the closet... Stay there! Wish I had.

This isn't to Rhonda, but to anyone reading the above.

Each person's situation is different. Staying in the closet
is not necessarily the right answer, or even a good answer.

Personally, so long as kids are not involved, I strongly advise
people to NOT stay in the closet...most especially if kids are
in the future.

A wife finding a stash of clothes is an incredibly painful way
for a wife to find out. There's guaranteed breaking of trust.
You keep it secret, and she'll wonder what else you've
managed to keep secret. "Honest honey, that's all my
dark secrets!" will ring VERY hollow. If in the telling she
runs for the hills, you're better off without her than with
her. Living a lie is no way to live a life.

If there's kids already involved, and you're still in the
closet...that's a hard decision. The kids didn't sign up
for the incoming divorce if your wife responds poorly.
You have a responsibility to those children that supersedes
any desires to crossdress.

[JulieC]

My seemingly tolerant wife of 29 years confronted me about the "women't things" the Friday evening before memorial day. I swore I'd stop. Threw out all my stuff. Cut my hair. She continued to ask" How do I know it won't come back" and say "I need some space".

This is something I live in fear of. My wife is accepting.
She doesn't actively encourage 99% of the time, but she
does accept.

Two years ago, I explored myself beyond underthings and
found a passion for shoes and skirts I never knew I had.
I found and went to a support group meeting. In the week
leading up to it, I was in pink fog. A week later, she'd
flip-flopped, and was actively aggressive towards my
crossdressing. She later flip-flopped back, but I've since
been terrified of what might happen should she flip-flop
again. She swears up and down it will never happen again.

There are times when I am angry about this situation.
There are times when I say to myself 'to hell with it if
she can't accept me'. There are times when I tell myself
'never again will she see me crossdressed'. There are times
when I feel very defensive of my role as father to our
children, and feel that I am utterly unjustified in doing
anything that would threaten that. I've never settled
down on this issue, ever since the flip-flops. Most of the
time I feel this is an open wound that will never heal
because of the dangers, such as what has happened to
Rhonda.

[Rhonda Jean]

Foothill,

I think you both did the right thing. Hope it sticks, for both of you.

Many have suggested that my wife may be having an affair. In my heart of hearts, I don't think so. When she first moved out, I did. At this point, though, I'm not sure it makes any difference. Oh, yes, there'd be another round of extreme hurt. I'll eventually have to face that somewhere down the road when I see her with someone else. She's a beautiful woman, and if she so desires, it won't take her long to find a boyfriend. That'll kill me too (Can you die twice...3 times?).

As far as the divorce goes, though, divorce is divorce. If she'd had an affair I would still blame my cding for putting her in a vulnerable place. I do not escape blame. Finding some way to blame her is not important to me. My therapist (who met with my wife once) has also said that she doesn't think my cding is the real reason she left. She doesn't know what the real reason is, and I may never know, but she seems sure that my cding is not the real reason.

At this point I don't think she's going to out me. I think we should probably get this thing over with before she changes her mind.

[Rhonda Jean]

Your situation and your sentiments about your children are very similar to mine. I won't go into the whole gory deal again (you can find it in one of my old posts) but the scarriest thing for you that happened to me was I got NO WARNING! Once she had had enough (after 29 years) she was 100% done. No second chance, no "stop this or else", just done. Be very careful! This is a ticking time bomb!

[Carin's Wife GG]

children can be VERY accepting. We are in the process now of informing all of our kids (only two to go and only because they are away at school). Every one of them has been understanding and accepting. They range in age from 21 to 16. Three boys, three girls. We also have a developmentaly disabled son who is 13 and do not feel the need to tell him as it would just confuse him. However he would have no issue with his dad being dressed *weird*, it would just be his reality.

Don't underestimate kids!


Louise.

[Rhonda Jean]

My wife really wanted to tell the kids when this first started so that she wouldn't look like the bad guy for leaving. She has been less insistent lately. I hope I never have to tell them. It's not something I'm proud of. Your situation is truly unique, even among those on this board. I hope you all can maintain such a great relationship. I am envious, as I'm sure many on this board are. I thought I was one of the lucky ones, too. Then it all changed. I don't blame her. I just wish she would have told me earlier, while she might have still been able to give me a second chance. I would have given it all up for her without regret. Cding was never more important to me than she was. I think she had endured it for so long that even if I gave it up, she could never see me as a "real man". Perception is reality. I wish I could have convinced her otherwise, but it had gone too far. This is a deadly game we play, usually without realizing how deadly.

[Jaydee]

Rhonda,
My heart goes out to you at this time of turmoil. Your original post was very touching and well written. This is my nightmare. I have been married for 31 years, and in the closet my whole life. Now that our kids are out of the house, I have been taking "baby steps" out of the closet. While not rejected, she is not fully accepting. I am afraid of the reaction to the next step. When will she say "enough is enough". I always ask myself if the chance is worth it. Would it be better out of the closet. Stories like yours give me pause.

Keep your head up and try to stay positive. We are here for you.

Jaydee

[Sheri 4242]

Not going to give you platitudes .... just hope this pain eventually subsides for you.

It will!!!!!!! Divorce, especially after such a long period, is much like death -- except the amazingly sad thing is that it doesn't actually kill you -- at least this is how you will feel for a good while.

Divorce causes most to go through all of the stages that one goes through when they lose a spouse to death!!!


I can't help but wonder if there is another person some where in the background. Not a nice thought, but one that is far more common than one would think.

she has known and tolerated your dressing for (29 years, +/-), then I suspect that there are other things not connected with it that played a bigger part in her leaving-- so don't let her lay some type of guilt trip on you by blaming your dressing--after having put up with it for almost three decades, I seriously doubt its the reason the marriage ended.

Within the above is a CRUCIAL suggestion!!!!!!! PLEASE stay with me a moment . . .

Rhonda Jean you say

Many have suggested that my wife may be having an affair. In my heart of hearts, I don't think so. When she first moved out, I did. At this point, though, I'm not sure it makes any difference. Oh, yes, there'd be another round of extreme hurt.

First, it would make a diference, but more on that later.

You ABSOLUTELY CANNOT IMAGINE how many have said EXACTLY what you have just said ("In my heart of hearts, I don't think so.")

I said it about my first wife!!! I repeatedly defended her!!! My wife said it about her first husband, too!!! I could go on -- and on and on and on. And, I could (if I was at home -- you might want to give me a couple of days if you want these cites) name many authoritative cites on this. Statistically there is ALMOST NO CHANCE she is doing what she is doing without someone on the side!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You may not want to hear this -- you may want to keep defending her -- but that won't change the statistical probabilities.

You need to try and find out -- without tipping your hand!!! I'll never forget when I learned the truth about my first wife -- who I had been defending with statements much stronger than yours!!! I got the evidence -- and confronted her, at which time I learned something important that many authors have written on -- a GG (sorry to our GG's, but some traits about this are more to the GG side and some are more to the GM side) will deny like crazy, then, when confronted with evidence, will admit as little as possible until the evidence overcomes that. Anyway, I confronted the wife with the indisputable evidence and all of a sudden I was in the driver's seat!!!


YActually, things took another turn for the worse yesterday. Waiting for me in the mail was 18 pages of interrogatories. More possibility of being outed. Cding was not worth it. Wish I'd had a crystal ball.

Don't know where you live, but you might be able to get the next best thing to a crystal ball.

That said, if you have an attorney worth their salt, the interrogatories can usually be answered with certain non-answers (and still be acceptable under the CPA). Then you, of course, can submit your Interrogatories and your Request fro Production of Documents. Even these can make any future claim about CDing (not that she will) someting never brought up b/c of what she might have to admit (if your interrogatories and request for document production is done right) -- these can turn anything she says into "desperation." Make them sound like so much sour grapes.


I have a lot of guilt and remorse. I wish I could undo it all. I don't think I'll ever get over it, but I will survive (I guess).

You will survive -- you WILL get over it -- in fact I know so very many who can affirm this: in a year or so, you may be able to look back at this and realize that it was THE VERY BEST thing that EVER happened to you!!! It was for me and my my wife!!! Had our exes not "stepped into it" and fallen backwards, my wife -- my true soulmate -- and I would have never met!!!!!!!


ONE LAST THING: forget for a moment, the totality of your life with her!!! If you approach this right, you may end up (as I did) with the house, 98% of its furnishings, and as the custodial parent of my children. Same with my wife and her first husband.

We're in your corner!!!!!!!

Sheri

[MsJanessa]

do you have a lawyer hon?---you haven't mentioned him or her yet so if you don't have one yet,get one(and one who specializes in family law) and tell them about all that is going on---quite frankly having a SO who crossdresses isn't all that unusual and most judges would frown upon a wife who gets up and leaves(and leaves the kids with you) and then 3 months later tries to get everything by throwing this kind of "dirt" at her Ex---My first question to her on cross-examination would be "you knew of his crossdressing and you stayed married for 29 years and then left him with your children while you went out and played for 3 months?" That really says more about her than you---she is holding your dressing over you like a whip---the problem with that is you are letting her do it. I practiced law for over 20 years and did my fair share of divorces---believe me judges aren't really interested in hearing about this stuff and as long as the dressing is done in private and away from the kids it won't make any difference in a custody fight and in the property split and alimony won't make any difference at all. Get off your ass, stop feeling guilty for something you aren't responsible for, get a good lawyer and start fighting---I have to say that 18 pages of interrogatories is excessive and borders on herassment---the sooner you become pro active the better you will feel.

[Sheri 4242]

do you have a lawyer hon?---you haven't mentioned him or her yet so if you don't have one yet,get one(and one who specializes in family law) and tell them about all that is going on---quite frankly having a SO who crossdresses isn't all that unusual and most judges would frown upon a wife who gets up and leaves(and leaves the kids with you) and then 3 months later tries to get everything by throwing this kind of "dirt" at her Ex---My first question to her on cross-examination would be "you knew of his crossdressing and you stayed married for 29 years and then left him with your children while you went out and played for 3 months?" That really says more about her than you---she is holding your dressing over you like a whip---the problem with that is you are letting her do it. I practiced law for over 20 years and did my fair share of divorces---believe me judges aren't really interested in hearing about this stuff and as long as the dressing is done in private and away from the kids it won't make any difference in a custody fight and in the property split and alimony won't make any difference at all. Get off your ass, stop feeling guilty for something you aren't responsible for, get a good lawyer and start fighting---I have to say that 18 pages of interrogatories is excessive and borders on herassment---the sooner you become pro active the better you will feel.

MsJanessa is absolutely right -- on legal technicalities and pragmatic advice!!!

There are many twists to all this that we can add, knowing, though, that we can only base our advice on what you have written here. One is to remind you that you get to submit interrogatories (and Request for Production of Documents), too! If you get a decent attorney, they will know to use your interrogatories (and doc request) to ferret out information that "if" she lies about (which she very may do) will show a lack of strength of character on her part. This is how you begin to build a case -- like MsJanessa said, she is married to you 29 years, knows (and tolerates-to-accepts) your CDing for most/all of it, now wants to hint at using it as a sledgehammer?!! Don't think so!!! She ran off (abandonment) and you were the caregiver of your children?!! What does this say about you? About her? Her actions have said you are fit!!! (And she isn't under the same theory!!!)

Let me clue you in on one thing about custody. At the end of the day when the judge puts his/her head on the pillow, he/she wants to know that what they have done is in the best interest of the child/children!!!!!!! Your CDing is a private matter -- even if it gets brought up it can be mittigated away -- and trust us, judges have heard all this before and really don't care unless it is an activity that can harm a child. When it comes down to being a TRUE parent, YOU WERE THERE!!! Where was she??? Off running around!!! Who shows stability and responsibility, here??? YOU!!!!!!! Part of this may boil down to bluff and bluster, but keep your head and you'll be find you are on the winning side of the coin. Remember, too, that if she lies on your interrogatories (and doc request), so much the better for you if you can prove otherwise!!! ((( Mrs. So-N-So, isn't it true that you were having adulterous relations with a third party? How many have you had other than your husband? Any women? Isn't it true that you consider your husband to be a highly competent parent??? Well, while you had abandoned the family, you were quite satisfied to let him take care of the household? Production: cell phone bills, regular phone bills (both with incoming and out going numbers), all financial institutions used, all transactions -- and hey, what is this hotel bill, fancy dinner, etc?)))

Another thing -- if she is having adulterous relationships with others, she's probably confiding in a gf or two. Friends like these are on her side -- but, that said, most aren't willing to risk perjury charges if put on the stand. My ex was talking to three gf's EVERY day about her infidelity (bragging about it and looking for justification with these gf's is more like it). They were willing to go along with her UNTIL it got to the point that so doing could be the commission of a crme!!!!

Believe it or not, if you'll get going full force, get a good attorney, and get proactive, you can end up with the house, custody, child support, and maybe even alimony!

[Rhonda Jean]

Thanks every body for all the tjime and effort you've investin in me! It's very uplifting to find people who care.

I think when all is said and done what we both want is to be fair. 50/50 financial split, shared custody. We'll both be broke, but that's the way it is. My lawyer thinks we'll reach a settlement before we go to court. I hope so. I don't want us to end up mortal enemies. I want our kids tohave good relationships with both of us.

I am exhausted. Mentally, emotionally, physically, psycologically. Did I leave anything out? I don't want a divorce, but if it's going to happen I need for it to get over with soon. I must start to heal. It's been a long summer.

I'm sorry I can't respond adequately to each of you whove offered such wonderful advice and information. I just don't have it in me. I'll get better someday, and maybe I can return the favor to somneone else who is hurting. Only those who have been there understand what it's really like.

I'll say once again, though. If I'd ever know cding would lead to this, I would have never brought it into our relationship. This pain is far more intense than whatever pleasure I derived.

I know there are those who would and have willingly given up their wives and family for this. Not me. As important a part of me tht I once thought it was, everything being relative, it wasn't.

[Kari Lynn Franks]

ronda,
as you know im new to this group i just wanted to let you know that im praying for you and your situation i am finding how great this group is the support has got to be the best thing anyone can ask for hang in there and remember we are ALL here for each other isnt that right girls?

[Sheila S]

Hi there,
I been there too. Things will get better! Promise!!
Sheila

[Joy Carter]

Unconditional Love ? Love Conquers All ? Do we really know them that well ?

[flogo920]

My heart also goes out to you.

Buy yourself Zeb Wanderer's Book,"Letting Go". It got me through my painful divorce years ago.

Hugs and sympathy-

Flo