Self doubt

[Maggie Kay]

It seems to me that before one can accept a transgender condition, all other major issues with self esteem and self worth must be addressed. My acceptance so far has been unstable. I accept and often am glad one day then I despise myself the next. At the heart, is the other issues brought to me in my early childhood and adolescence. I was subjected to many abuses and hurts that damaged my notion of self which then makes it very hard to accept the gender identity issues I have today. Knowing that it was wrong of those that hurt me isn't enough to take away the self doubt. Rather, I have to find a place in myself where I can build a foundation to rebuild the true me. It must come at a very basic level and that may mean some real hard work is ahead. I have 50 years of habitually doubting myself, feeling that there was something inherently "wrong" about me. I tried many things in my life to compensate or to "eradicate" or to prove myself worthy but these were just band-aids. No career, no sports prowess, no fast cars, no trophy house will ever change what is inside me. What I need to do is to change a belief. A belief that was instilled in me when I was six.
My goal is to be able to look another in the eyes and in my mind, say "I have a right to be here as I am, and if you don't like it, bugger off" .
Losing my self doubt even a little this morning, has had dramatic changes in me already. I looked at my reflection in the mirror and liked what I saw.

Now that all those "things" are gone, I am left with just myself and I better get on with liking what I am.

[GypsyKaren]

Hi Maggie

I easily relate to everything you've said, because my life went down a similar road as yours. Physical, sexual, emotional abuse all took it's toll on me as a child and left a mark that's still here today. I've tried it all Maggie, and nothing has made it go away, and I don't think it ever will. A child is never ready to handle such things without permanent damage, and memories don't disappear, they come and go, but always come back.

This doesn't mean that you have to give up Maggie, or that nothing can ever be done to make things better. While I'll never forget and will always be affected by it, I've been able to put myself over the pain and move on and forward with my life, and so can you.

I want you to sit down one evening, and draw up two lists; one with all of the bad in your life, and one with all of the good. Take your time and really give the good things a lot of thought, and I'm sure you'll find that you've not only done a lot of good things in your life and have more good things to be a part of, and you may be surprised to see the good list quite a bit longer than the bad. I want you to embrace that Maggie and hold on tight to it and never let it go, because it's something you've allowed to be buried by the pain. It's who you really are, so don't let that happen again.

Do you know what all of those good things mean? It means you are a good person, something that I've always seen in you quite easily. It means that you ARE deserving of good things and happiness, you've earned them the hard way, so don't be afraid to take it when it comes, and it will come because it's always been there somewhere in some time, you just have to keep your heart open so you can feel it and see it, and it will happen.

It also means that you are STRONGER than those who hurt you, because such monsters are weak and afraid, that's why they hurt those who can't fight back. Go look in the mirror and smile at the goodness in you Maggie...they were weak and afraid, but you're not only a strong survivor, but you're still here with a smile on your face, do you see that? They are weak and no longer mean nothing, you are here and still standing, still smiling, you win, they lose, now get the hell out of the way, Maggie's coming through!

This will take time and work for sure, but you can do it, I know you can. This is what has worked for me, this is how I now live my life and my truth, and I'm always here for you, anytime and every time... you take care my friend.

Karen Starlene

[CaptLex]

Wow . . . well said, Ms. Karen! :clap:

[Maggie Kay]

Karen,
I am stunned by the clarity of your post. Thank you very much. I have been examining ways to feel happy again and this is the kind of stuff I need to focus on. You are right that I have not focused on the good that I have done. Lately, with all the horrible events in the world, they seem to have lost something. What did we do it all for when so much is tossed aside now? I had to close the doors on a 15 year business this past month and I should remember all the good that my products did. That it is gone, is sad but nothing lasts forever. Not even good things.

I will focus on my new fledgling business and hope that it is not too late as I am tired and not a "T" driven male in his prime now. I know I have more to do before the end of my journey. I would like to retire to a nice chair and knit while watching re-runs of TV shows on DVD. Just another matron living a quiet life. I plan on being a woman at peace.

Thank you again for your advise.

[Vivian Best]

Hi Maggie Kay,

If we are honest I think many many of us are in the same boat as you are, I know I am. One day I can feel as sure as anything I am one thing and the next day I feel differently, in some cases exactly opposite. Why?

I'm sure I'm older than most of you. I grew up long long before the internet and the explosion of avaliable knowledge. My home growing up wasn't the place to come out that I felt I was a girl inside because my mother would have beaten the girl out of me, literally! She was such a dominating domineering person she would not let something like that grow, so...I kept it bottled up inside me. I continually bottled my true feelings and true me up and pushed them into the back of my mind. I felt I was a freak of nature that I was the only boy that felt that way. All the needs, wants and desires I had were forced to stay in the dark recesses of my mind for self survival. I grew up with insecurity, self doubt, low self worth, low self esteeme and any other low self thing you can think of. If it existed I had it!

I reached a point in my life long after I was gone from my mother's control that all these things were coming to a focal point that was going to make me have a nervous breakdown if I didn't make some changes. I told myself that I am what I am! I didn't ask to be this way but this is the way I am and I'm going to accept myself and I'm going to like myself!

I'm at the age that I'm probably not going to change anything physically but I still have the thoughts one day that I want to do it then the next day I don't feel that way. So goes life so goes my changing feelings!

[Calliope]

My goal is to be able to look another in the eyes and in my mind, say "I have a right to be here as I am, and if you don't like it, bugger off" .


Right on. All this 'body image issue' and 'gender dysphoria' jazz belongs to society, not us. It's their trash and we'll keep taking it out as long as we keep internalizing their insecurities. We do not need to pass, we do not need to be pretty, we don't even need to be polite. We (supposedly) got 'freedom of religion' and a lot of that is just outerspace solipsism, so, raising high that patriotic flag of, er, outerspace solipsism, where's our 'freedom of gender'? It's (hiding) right behind our fight for it.

We're not women 'trapped in the wrong body,' we're women making the best of our hormone disorders. if society don't dig it, then they can just kiss our hairy butts.

[SirTrey]

Karen....Without a lot of detail, I relate to a lot of what you said....and could NOT have said it better....You have a beautiful soul. **Trey** :)

[melissaK]

Losing my self doubt even a little this morning, has had dramatic changes in me already. I looked at my reflection in the mirror and liked what I saw.


Just send any of your left over self doubts on to me. I have so many I'll not notice a few more . . . :heehee:

How's that Chumbawamba song go?

She drinks a whisky drink
She drinks a vodka drink
She drinks a lager drink
She drinks a cider drink
She sings the songs that remind her
Of the good times
She sings the songs that remind her
Of the better times:
"Oh Danny Girl
Danny Girl
Danny Girl ..."

I get knocked down
But I get up again
You're never going to keep me down

lotsa hugs
'lissa