Why we create a new identity.

[Jannis]

I had a thought while pondering where I fit in with transgendered or crossdressing sisters and a thought came to me. I have been a crossdresser since my earliest childhood memories. The urge to do so has been there, in varying intensity, for 50 years. However, in the past dozen years, I have had constant and overpowering thoughts about living as a female and going through transition. I get very confused because I still feel like a man, I am attracted to women and I don't believe I have the same mental process as a woman. Yet I have the desire to sexually become one. My thought is this. These feelings rose to the forefront about the time I divorced after a 20 yr marriage. I felt a sense of loss and have had a difficult time trying to find an attractive woman to replace her. I think I may be trying to create a sexy, good looking woman in myself to replace the lack of attractive women in my life. I find pictures of myself en femme that are seductive and attractive. If that is the case, where am I headed? God, what a dilemma.:eek:

[Marla S]

I felt a sense of loss and have had a difficult time trying to find an attractive woman to replace her.
Hm, if this is what you miss the most after 20 years of marriage ... attractiveness ... your self-analysis could be true.

This sounds a bit like becoming the own wife rather than to become a woman.

I am probably wrong though.

[Cara Allen]

Well, some things come to mind, Jannis...

Assume for a second that you have always been transgendered. based on what you say, this seems to be the case. How would you know that you think as a male? What if, all that time, you have been a female, dealing with life the only way you know how, making adaptations to deal with the world in ways that work as outwardly male?

In this scenario, the female in you is finally mature enough to want expression. How you feel with regards to sexual attraction is a whole separate thing, I think. If you have some programming to find another woman to live your life with, that is what you need to do to be satisfied sexually and emotionally.

I am sorry for your loss, but I can't see that it has anything to do with your current desires to be complete, or to make some kind of transition. I think these are different facets of the same diamond that is Jannis.

Why souldn't you find your pictures attractive? It is appealing to you on many levels, hon. We are complex creatures.

[Kieron Andrew]

Those of us that are transgendered/transsexual i dont believe we create a new identity, i believe we had to adapt to living in the correct identity once we come out as trans that was pushed to the back by societies conditioning of what a man or woman should be thus that identity was the created one not our true selves

[Vivian Best]

I get very confused because I still feel like a man, ......

Jannis,

I've wondered from time to time whether I feel like a female or male! I just feel like myself. Are my feeling female or male? I really don't know! I don't know how differently a female is suppose to feel than a male. All I know is I relate to female things more than I relate to male things, does that make my feelings female...your guess is as good as mine.

[Vaerise]

You have to really figure out who you really are. It is possible for a man to think like a woman, act like a woman but still feel that he is a man and remains comfortable with that. Maybe he is just a little more sensitive, or what some call.. effeminate, but still a guy.

I'm not saying you are not TG, you may or may not be, but just telling you that even as a man or woman there are many variations.

[pattyme]

It is perfectly normal to question yourself. Don't stop or you won't find answers. At the same time don't forget to go out and live your new life - try it on and see if it fits. Most important of all - be realistic. You won't magicaly find answers and unlick Cinderella's transformation it takes time. Questioning is the first step, keep walking.


Patty

[Albtraum]

If I understand you correctly, you want to replace your wife (whether wife or sporting a new girlfriend). If you're attracted to women, I don't think that's going to change, it's who you are. After ending a 20 year marriage, is NOT the time to take any rash actions. You may be going through a depressed phase, I know I did and there's no shame in it. We're human beings.

Start getting out, with all kinds of people. Let yourself learn how to be relaxed and happy again. I've heard that after the death of a spouse, no major decisions should be made for a year. I know my Mother signed things (you can't hide in a cave for a year) that she didn't even remember. I feel this should apply to divorce too.

Roll with the flow, try CDing or whatever suits your mood. You'll find out what works for you. Best wishes.

Alb

[AmberTG]

In the question of "do I think like a man or a woman" I discovered something essential to the answer, at least for me.
I lack the frame of reference to be able to know if I think one way or the other. I'm only me, no matter where I go, there I am!
The only way I can come close to the answer is by comparing my reactions to things to the way other men and women react. I have found that there are a lot of women that will react to certain things the same way as a man does, but men tend to very seldom react the way that a woman would. Between the influence of sex hormones and early childhood conditioning, men tend to be much less expressive of their emotions, except the stronger emotions of anger and hate. Those come easy for a man.
I have found that removing testosterone and adding estrogen will definitely change the way you react to things, but it doesn't change who you are on the inside, you are still you, whoever that is.
I've had this discussion several times with my therapist.

[Scotty]

There is balance to be had - I've done it and I finally realized who I am.

I would not want to go through SRS and that, it's a dream but since I can't have it I've accepted that I am who I am.

I wear femme things in my house, from time to time out and I have mostly female friends and most of those have picked up on who I am. One in particular especially has.

Anyway so you can find a balance, for me it was HRT to femme my body where I could tolerate the two halves :)

It can be done! Self-confidence and self-appearance matter!!

[Katie Ashe]

Why we create a new identity... Well for some of us... the ones assigned at birth suck and don't represent whom we really are, others desired change due to unhappiness...:2c:

[melissaK]

I had a thought . . . I think I may be trying to create a sexy, good looking woman in myself to replace the lack of attractive women in my life. I find pictures of myself en femme that are seductive and attractive. If that is the case, where am I headed? God, what a dilemma.:eek:

Janis, What you feel about becoming the object of your own desire has been explored by others, and not without controversy. The prominent psychology theory focusing on this theme is autogynephilia. You can go here and read up on it.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Autogynephilia

I have my opinions, and I'm sure most girls here do as well. As the article points out, it is much criticized, and I'd recommend you google up some more pages and read up on it all before you judge the concepts as "valid" or "invalid," or "can't decide."

And for what it is worth, my crossdressing/TS issues are always worst after a break-up as well. Can't say I have figured out the why of it. . . .

hugs,
'lissa

[geri]

hi girl,
if you go on hormones, you'll defintely know how you feel. the change is drastic and over-powering.
if you don't, you'll never see the other side.

geri danielle

[Calliope]

I don't believe there is any 'rule' that says either / or M / F, please consider. If you're over 50, about my age, I believe 'becoming' a "sexy good looking woman" is probably a task that will give you heartaches; mainstream society is throwing away middle-aged GGs like toilet paper. You sound like someone who needs some time, space and at least one person you can trust with some face-to-face. Not that I know anything, I hasten to add.

[Cara Allen]

hi girl,
if you go on hormones, you'll defintely know how you feel. the change is drastic and over-powering.
if you don't, you'll never see the other side.

geri danielle

"You take the blue pill and the story ends. You wake in your bed and believe whatever you want to believe. You take the red pill and you stay in Wonderland and I show you how deep the rabbit-hole goes." Morpheus