Divorce. Lonliness?? Freedom??

[Rhonda Jean]

I know you all probably get bored with all my divorce talk, but it is still what consumes me. I'm thankful to have this outlet.

Just for the record, before I go on, whatever freedom I get from divorce is not worth it! I want/need my wife back and I'd happily give up every ounce of crossdressing to spend the rest of my life with her.

That being said, I have to find ways to endure. As you would all expect, crossdressing is my way of enduring.

In my lonliness, I ask myself a lot of questions. My wife told my therapist she thought I was truly transgendered, not just a crossdresser. She has felt all along that she was married to a woman, and she just couldn't take it anymore. I don't feel that way, but, she's known me for 30 years. What if she's right? Now that I'm "free" will I transition? It's something I haven't given much thought to. I was happy just being a crossdresser with (I thought) an understanding wife. Now I find myself thinking about what will truly make me happy for the rest of my life without her.

I still have a male life to live, so it's not like I have total freedom, but there are definately more options now. So, what is my true self? I've given this a lot of thought. Right now I can't imagine that I'd actually go any further than I already had.

I loved my long hair, and I'll definately grow my hair long again. Probably even longer than it was,but that'll take years. I'll definately keep my body shaved, which she hated. I'll still get my eyebrows waxed, probably thinner than before. I'll still wear my nails long, another thing she didn't like. I'll still wear color on my toes, and i'll be less self-concious about letting them be seen. I'll still wear panties all the time. I'll sleep in a nightie, something she made me quit doing years ago. But, to me, that's all typical cd stuff. Will I go further?

What about a boob job? Nice fantasy, but probably not for me. How about something as seemingly mundane as getting my ears pierced? Maybe. I used to want to really bad. She was against it. Now I'm so used to wearing clips that I don't think it's a big deal.

I'll certainly not have SRS. I really like being a crossdresser. Despite what my wife thinks,I really don't think I'm a woman.

I'll definately spend more time enfemme. I guess that goes without saying. Will I give it up when I decide to pursue another relationship? Don't know. Guess that depends on the relationship. Right now I think I'll just forego any relationship. If I ever do get into another one it'll probably be when I'm ready to give up cding. Right now I wouldn't do that for anyone but my wife.

So, can I be happy without being in a relationship? I don't know that either. That may be the BIG question. If I can, it may lend credence to her feelings that cding was more important than her. To me, it's not bigger than her, but it may well be bigger than anyone else.

As soon as I post this I'll start getting dressed to go out... to a gay bar! My first time to walk into a gay bar alone. I don't know what to expect. I've never been attracted to masculine men, never will be. But, what about an attractive crossdresser? Well, I've never seen one (that I know of) in real life, but this website and elsewhere on the internet proves they exist. Could I? Would I? I'd like to say no, but I honestly don't know. I could see that becoming a very interesting friendship. But what about the big queston... Sex! I can't rule it out. I've never had a homosexual experience. I think it would take a long time to establish such an extremely high level of trust, but...

[annekathleen]

I too am divorced, and although I date, I can relate to your loneliness.
There are times that I am alone and most nights, I sleep alone.
Not that I want my ex wife back,
But, I would definately trade in all of my crossdressing possessions
if I can have a nice woman to live with me and spend the rest of our
lives together. ( I'd still buy her bras and panties for her to wear for me )

[docrobbysherry]

After I was separated from my ex, I also wanted more than anything to be back with her. However, she had changed and we could get along anymore. After divorcing, I wallowed around awhile. Then, I moved on into the CD experience. Pushing to experiment and totally submersing myself into it. It helped me heal and become interested in women, and maybe a relationship, again. In the last year or two, I have tried some dating. No one special just yet. I often wonder if I can continue CDing with a new SO. And which choice I would make, if forced to do so.

The point of all this, is; I think u r doing just fine!
RS

myspace.com/robertsherry

[Kaitlyn Michele]

i am in your club too ladies..

for me i can now say that as time passes i realize more and more that if i want to be happy, i have feel like a girl...whether that is just dressing, being with men, going clubbing, or for some of us actually having surgery it is the same to me..

i have found that i sleep alone most nights, but honestly at least right now, i am enjoying myself too much to deal with the tradeoffs of relationships and my freedom...

i didnt want a divorce but i think it was the right thing forme and my ex..i want her to be happy too, and i wasnt getting it done for her as i became more interested in being michele than being a good husband..

bottom line,,,,i think we are best off trying to live in the moment and if you need to explore your feelings and your desires relating to your gender identity then you should do it ...BEFORE you enter into new relationships not after

have fun
michele

[paulaN]

I've heard it said that divorce is like a toothache once the pain goes away it feels so good.

[MJ]

i am in your club too ladies..

i understand how you feel , please give yourself time to heal , you get use to being alone

[Mistybtm]

i am in your club too ladies..

i understand how you feel , please give yourself time to heal , you get use to being alone
I have also been there it will get better in time

[jaina]

If it weren't for the divorce, I wouldn't have the great SO I have now.

[KatrinaAshley]

Is being alone all that bad? I love it. Once you readjust it may reappear to be for the better.

[Jodi]

I was divorced 7 years ago after 33 years of marriage. Not once in the last 7 years have I felt any loneliness. If one sits at home and dwells on being lonely, then one will be lonely. There is so much to do out there that involves people interaction, I can enjoy that when I choose. I rather like my alone time when at home.

I have especially enjoyed my life since I retired 3 years ago. I do volunteer work which has lead to more social interaction than I can handle.

My open cd'ing has lead to gaining 3 close cd'ing friends. I also have several gg's that I can enjoy cd'ing with. The rest of my life is lived as a straight male with friends who know nothing about my cd life.

You are only lonely if you choose to be.

Jodi

[Rhonda Jean]

Encouraging words again, you all.

I didn't go to the bar tonight. Guess I chickened out. I did go shoppng and out to eat. It was my first time out in a wig. I kind of liked it. Much less recognizable. That won't stop me from growing my hair back out, though.

I wore jeans and heels and a very fitted top that came to just above my belt. One thing about the divorce, I've gotten my figure back. I'm 5'-91/2" and 150 pounds, thinner than I've been in about 20 years. I''m still losing weight. I probably don't need to go below 145 pounds.

I've been cding for a long time, so there's no real "thrill" to it anymore. It is nice to leave my own home looking like a woman. It is nice to come home whenever I please. It would be much better if I were coming home to my wife.

I've been in a monogomous relationship for three decades. It will be a lon time before I'm ready to date. I miss the sex but I'll get over it. I miss the love more. I would be such a good husband if she'd take me back. Actually, I thought I was before, except for the "woman thing".

I'll have to be careful to not let my cding overtake me. I have to keep my male side to make a living and to keep my relationship with my kids. I've made bad decisons in the past as far as limits. My long hair pushed the limit, as did my long nails and the fact that I wore a bra all day every day for a year and a half. I've worn panties 24/7 for 30 years, but I never felt any threat of disclosure. I recognize the danger in my being able to call my own shots.

It is unfortunate that some of my fondest memories of my marriage are probably my wife's worst. I remember early in our marriage when she'd roll my hair, and then often take/let me go out in public. She'd polish my already long nails and seem thrilled to let me show them off. I fondly remember sharing a double vanity with her. I'd try to mimic her routine. We'd have our hair in curlers at the same time just about every morining. On days when I wore makeup I'd follow her routine. I loved our casual conversations as we did our makeup. I loved it when she picked out lingerie for me. I loved sitting on the floor in front of her while she rolled my hair. I cherished the fact that I felt comfortable enough with her to let her see me in my bra and panties. That was for no one else.

I could go on and on. The point is, I felt I had a very special relationship with my wife. i now know that she was hiding a great deal of pain. I wish I had known. Our relationship would have been very special without the cding overtones. Unfortunately, the overtones became all she could hear.

Undoubtedly some of you, GG's and CD's alike, are headed to the same place I'm at. I pray that you will do whatever it takes to prevent it. I care for all of you. Albeit unusual and hard to describe, we have a bond here. Our similarities outweight our differences.

Please remember me and this painful situation. For GG's and CD's alike, don't forget. This may seem like play. It's not. It's dead serious business. Surviving it takes a momumental effort on bot parts. Dont' assume anything. You must communicate honestly. No matter how difficult it is.

[Deborah Jane]

I,m in the same club...I split with my wife a year ago, after 27 years together and am still unsure where to go with my life at the moment. C/ding is helping me through, but sometimes i,m not sure if it,s really the answer. Like you Rhonda, i,d give it all up to get my wife back, but it will never happen. Only time will see where this ends up!!

[Kate Simmons]

Your story could be my own Rhonda Jean. After 33 years of marriage, here I sit alone. I still love my wife but she doesn't believe I can ever change even though I've told her I would gladly give it all up to get her back but I've disappointed her so many times in the past by saying that and could not do it. The only thing I will not give up is the realization of who I really am. I have to be true to myself and that person that everyone thought I was, that image I projected as my guy self was the phoney one and I will never go back to that.

I sit here crying some days because of the lonliness. I miss doing things with her and the team work. "Total freedom" is relative to me in that respect. I'm retired and live by myself in the house and you may think that is great as I can dress as much and as often as I want but it does not come without a price and the "victory" is a hollow one for me in a lot of ways. Was the price I paid worth it? I would have to honestly answer "no".

[traceyanne]

been there, done it. its not easy at the time but you get over it. there's no point in staying in an unhappy relationship for any of the parties involved.
one amazing thing came from my divorce and that was found myself a fantastic woman who accepts me for who i am, as she tells me the dressing is just an outer cover, but what matters is she loves and married the person underneath. hopefully everything will work out for you .

[Dana Carlton]

I can relate to everything that's been said in this thread. The freedom, the loneliness, the crying, the questions, should I transition, etc.

After the divorce, I relied on Dana more and more to help suppress these feelings. Dana has always made me feel good. I had every opportunity to be Dana when ever I wanted to. But something inside me said I didn't want to do this all the time. I still embraced my male side.

So I joined some clubs, got involved with community theater, did things that I enjoyed doing that my ex-wife didn't. And I just let things happens. Then I met the most wonderful girl. I told her of my desire and need to crossdress (my first wife didn't know). It was difficult, but had to be done. I was single for 10 years, and I learned to enjoy the freedom. I didn't want to lose Dana, since she helped me through difficult times, and I enjoy exploring and displaying my femme side. We where married 2 years ago, and Dana is a part of both of our lives now. I guess I'm one of the lucky ones.

I suppose my point is that you'll have to adjust to the change taking place in your life, do things that will make a bad situation better, but don't force things, just let things happen.

I have strong feelings for this subject. It's even the subject of my You Tube video.

I love this forum, because it helps me to understand why I dress. I helps me to know that I am not the only one who dresses. But this forum is way more than just for that. The people here share more than just dressing as part of their life story. I can relate to so many other discussions that don't have anything to do with dressing, such as this thread. I am not the only one who's been divorced, not the only one who's ever been lonely, and so on.

I think this is the longest post I've even written. So I'll end this post with a big THANK YOU to everyone!

[Jere Oneil]

All I can say, is don't give up hope. My wife and I were apart for a long time. It had nothing to do with my skirt or lingerie wearing. In fact, she bought me a nightie less than a week before she left me. We stayed in contact and were on good terms after the split. Then a year or so ago, she called to talk. It seems that she suffers from Bi-polar disorder and a few other problems. She had, as a result of a suicide attempt, found a new doctor who gave her better meds. As a result, she quit drinking and quit doing drugs. We started dating again, and now we are back together.

[LynnInDenver]

Your story could be my own Rhonda Jean. After 33 years of marriage, here I sit alone. I still love my wife but she doesn't believe I can ever change even though I've told her I would gladly give it all up to get her back but I've disappointed her so many times in the past by saying that and could not do it.

I've got a friend that I'll never be close to again because I made promises on something else that were too strong to keep, and of course broke them to her. I try very hard not to make strong promises like those anymore.

The CDing won't go away, and honestly, I'd look into therapy for such feelings, not to purge the CDing for the next one, but to deal with the feelings of guilt about it your wife has saddled you with.

[MsJanessa]

tell you what honey----give it about 2 years---go out dressed go to the bars etc---and work on your feminine self---looks, talking, and carraige---you are petite enough to look realistic(at least as far as body image) as a woman so give it a good try then let us know you feel