Help! - and Thank You!

[JennaDesire]

I am at a crossroads right now. I have been dressing for 20 years. My wife has confronted me and given me an ultimatum to stop or get out. As much as I love my wife I am not sure if stopping is an option. I have tried to stop many times only to go out and buy new stuff and start all over again. Each time I start again I take it a little further. What do I do?

[SandyR]

Its a part of me. Like you I have tried to stop, only to go out and buy new cloths, heels, hose.... I guess when you try on your moms pantyhose at 12 your in deep. I am one of the lucky ones, my wife supports me.....


Big hug!

SandyR

[sterling12]

A little background info would be helpful. Has something changed, that has precipitated this ultimatum? Why now, why the "take it or leave it," attitude.

If we don't know the circumstances, not sure if there is anything that is salvageable. Even Dr. Phil (that incredible windbag,) would need some additional data!

I hope there is something that might create a "win-win compromise." That's about the only thing I know of that might help.

Peace and Love, Joanie

[Melinda G]

Assuming it's your house, don't get out! Big mistake! If you get out, and it comes to divorce, you are the one who left, deserted, and moved out! Makes a big difference.
A few months after my wife found out that I crossdressed, she had a boyfriend at work. She said, "I'm not happy. I think you should move out". I said, "This is my house. I'm not going anywhere. Let's try and work things out". Because she had a boyfriend, she wasn't interested in working anything out. Shortly after, she announced that she was moving out. I wound up with the kids, the house, and the dog. Gave her a small cash settlement, and agreed not to ask for child support, and she was off to join the world of swinging singles.
If I could give any advice to a guy, it would be, don't move out! It makes all the difference in the world. Unless it's the womans house, she has no right to demand that you leave. And if you do leave, her lawyer will charge you with abandonment.
Many men falsely think no fault divorce means fault doesn't matter. Wrong! No Fault simply allows a divorce, without proving fault against either partner. But fault is always taken into consideration, in the division of property!
While my wife was staying out all night with her friends, and getting her first DUI, I was doing some heavy duty reading, and studying, down at the local college, law library, which is open to the public.

[carrilee]

hey, i have been there too. the wife sometimes is ok but would draw the line if i went out. i tried to stop many times too. stick it out if you can. divrce would be much worse.

carrilee

[Emily Ann Brown]

Been there done that. I quit for six months. Really didn't seem to please her....all the trust was gone. In the end she left me.

From my experience, don't promise what you can't deliver. Try to find out what happens if you stop for 3-6 months and then slip up. Do you get a mulligan or is it all over? Honesty is what is important now.


Emily Ann

[SANDRA MICHELLE]

You need to figure out this for yourself, for good or bad. Marriage should be a give and take proposition and our you giving enough should be the question you ask yourself and what is she giving to the marriage. I know that if my wife said it's all or nothing I could not agree to that because it is too much a part of my being. You can't promise or give what you won't be able to give.

[Angie G]

Melinda is right Jenna don't you move out and put it on you let her go that you can fight :hugs:
Angie

[jenniferj]

The real question is, what do you want to have happen? The bottom line is that for whatever reason, crossdressing is a part of you. You can promise to quit, but you most likely will not be able to and you will be right back where you are now - with the added burden of (more?) broken promises.

Without knowing your particular circumstances, I am going to offer some suggestions that will probably apply to nearly all of us.

You and your wife need to sit down and talk. Do you want to save the marriage? Does she? If the answer to both is "yes" then you have some common ground to work from.

Unless something shocking has recently happened, the crossdressing is probably not the root cause - try to figure out what it might really be. If she has recently discovered this facet of you, the big issue is likely to be trust. You have been keeping a secret from her. If it is not something totally new, what was the trigger? If you haven't done anything you (or she) can put your finger on, the issues are probably elsewhere.

I have noticed that many women seem to get uncomfortable after a couple of decades of marriage - I think that they see earlier than men that their life is changing, that they didn't get to do everything in life that they hoped, and that they are not likely to. Marriage counselors make their livings on this; and it may make sense to go to see one together.

In general, it will help if you try to see things from her side - what does she need that she's not getting? You can't solve her problems (I assume that you've learned that by now), but you can help her deal with them. Does she feel that you are neglecting her? Does she fear that you don't love her? Does she fear that you don't respect her? Does she feel that you no longer find her attractive? If there are kids, is she starting to notice that they no longer depend on her? THis is a very difficult time for a woman. You can do a lot to reassure her.

As to your dressing, you should probably talk about that, too. Try to show her that it is an integral part of who you are, rather than just something you do. There have been any number of "why crossdressers make good husbands" essays - try to show her how that applies to the two of you.

And be patient! She is most likely hurting very much. The advice above about not moving out was very good - even more so from a more constructive perspective. If you stay, you are showing her that you care and are willing to work with her to repair things.

Try to work out a temporary compromise in the meantime - let her know that you are aware that it bothers her but that it's something that you need to do.

Hopefully, it will all work out. I'll keep my fingers crossed.

Of course, I may have completely misread your situation. In which case the above is just general advice for us all...

-jj

[Rosaliy Lynne]

All the above advice is good. If you both want the relationship to work you have a starting point from which to build.

Like many others have already stated, I too have "quit" which, in reality, means I put my femme side on hold. She always comes out again and I have stopped trying to hide her. It is one of the best things I have done for myself.

Your dressing my only be the proverbial 'last straw' so there may be other issues more important that need resolution.

Get a good counselor, preferrably one who has more than a vague idea of cross dressing and trans gender issues. The right counselor CAN make all the difference in the outcome of your sessions.

Ultimately only YOU can determine what is best for you.
Remember, you can't change anyone else but yourself and if part of you can't be changed, you will have to figure out how to work it in to the total picture. Good luck no matter how things go in the long run.

[melissacd]

Jenna,

All of the advice given is quite useful. You have decided, as many of us have, that not dressing is not an option. That is your starting position. Once you are clear on that then you can move forward.

Next you have to find out what things you can do to communicate with her about this, to tell her what it means to you, to tell her what she means to you, to see whether there is a middle ground that you and she can live with and hopefully grow from.

If all goes well then you will grow as a couple and move past this. Sometimes it does not go well as evidenced by many of us here who could not get over that bridge with our spouses.

You have to decide where that point is, that place where you recognize that in spite of how much you love her you cannot stay together and lead happy lives.

I am sure that many couples who are still together and have learned how to weave cross dressing into their lives in a way that both parties are comfortable, may have started with an ultimatum as a wake up call that led them down the path of understanding and resolution. That is probably the place to start, the ultimatum is quite possibly a cry for help and if you can get to the right place with her then perhaps you can work it out.

It is important though for your own peace of mind and happiness to understand and make it clear that a) this is not a sickness nor do you need to be cured of it and b) that she cannot force you to stop. If you concede to her ultimatum you are doing both you and her a great dis-service. You need to stand your ground, work through this and hopefully come to a place of agreement and understanding.

All the best,

Melissa

[tricia_uktv]

I agree with the other girls, we need some more information.
How log has she known?
How far do you take it?
What are the reasons for her wanting you to stop?
Is it affecting anyone else e.g. children, relatives?
Are there any other options e.g. doing it away from home?

I also agree that you can't commit to stopping - it will come back, however hard you try. Very tricky, but work on the middle ground, if you can get any.

[karynspanties]

Well, my wife knew about my dressing but did not know until recently that I went out in public. She was not happy! Of course the arguement happened afterwards. Divorce was discussed. I basically told her that she fell in love with the female side of me as well as the male side. It makes me who I am. I also told her I had absolutely no intentions of stopping. I have been dressing since I was about 4 or 5. How or why would I want to stop something that I love? She decided to stay. But there was no way I was going to leave. If it came down to that....she would have to go. And she knew it too. That was about a year and a half ago. She knows I still go out, but does not ask about it. You go through this life one time.....do it happy. I know I will. Married or single.

[jaina]

I am at a crossroads right now. I have been dressing for 20 years. My wife has confronted me and given me an ultimatum to stop or get out. As much as I love my wife I am not sure if stopping is an option. I have tried to stop many times only to go out and buy new stuff and start all over again. Each time I start again I take it a little further. What do I do?

I could have sworn that I answered this post, but cant find it.

She wont let you dress, get a divorce. Find someone to be happy with.

[JennaDesire]

I want to thank everybody for the love and support in response to my HELP post. Many of you wanted more information about my situation. During 13 years of marriage my wife has found my "stuff" quite a few times. Every time I would tell her that I would get rid of it and be over it. Well, she would forget about it and in time I would be right back out getting new and improved lingerie, makeup and wigs. I can honestly say that I have tried many times to stop only to realize that it is not possible. This is the first time that my wife has given me the line to stop or it is over. Having 3 kids makes this a much harder situation for me. I have not thrown away my stuff this time for I realize that I would just end up going out again and buying more. I will tell you all that I would never leave my house. What I can say is that the feeling to dress is completely inside of me and cannot be controlled. She thinks that I have a problem and need to see a doctor. The biggest problem with all of this is that she does not have an open mind and probably can never be convinced that this is not a sickness. Once again I cannot thank you all enough for making me feel loved by so many people who do not know me at all.

[rebeca_abigail30]

my DW thinks that as long as I go to counselling, I won't dress. Unfortunately, she doesn't know how wrong she is. I am hoping that she will come around and realize that it's just clothes, and that we should have an open mind about wearing whatever we (as a society) wanted to.

Why do we have to be male and female? Why can't we all be "human?" Oh my, am I onto something?

[JoAnnDallas]

My biggest fear was if my wife found out I liked to dress as a woman she would tell the same thing. Stop or get out. It scared me a lot when she did find out a couple of months ago. After a couple of days she told me that she looked at my dressing like she does my wearing a costume at a SciFi Con or playing D&D. She sill does not want to see me dressed but at least she is not 100% against it. She even went as far as to give me a Saturady afternoon where I can get dressed and do what I want. She goes to her gym on that Saturday afternoon. I timed it to the same Saturday that is my Tri-Ess meeting. That way I can get dressed and go to the meeting.
I sure hope you and your wife can come to a compromise. I would not want to see another marriage end because of CDing.

[Julie York]

She thinks that I have a problem and need to see a doctor.

So go to a Doctor. And when the Doctor says you haven't got a problem, she'll have to think about it.

[tricia_uktv]

So go to a Doctor. And when the Doctor says you haven't got a problem, she'll have to think about it.

I agree, and it sounds like up to now you haven't been entirely honest with her (though you may have previously thought you could stop). I would tell her that it is within you and you can't just turn it off but promise her that you will only do it away from your environment. I guess she is worried about the impact it may have on the kids. This worked for me for a while (I have three daughters and my ex didn't want me doing it anywhere near home) but unfortunately I couldn't stop some of my feminine traits coming back home so eventually we split. Keep talking to her, and good luck, there has to be a solution!

[docrobbysherry]

my DW thinks that as long as I go to counselling, I won't dress. Unfortunately, she doesn't know how wrong she is. I am hoping that she will come around and realize that it's just clothes, an

I went to a licensed therapist many years ago. My crossdressing took up about 1/2 hour of one of the many 2 hour sessions we had together. She dismissed it as " nothing to worry about". I think u should find a new shrink immediately. And I strongly suggest therapy for any CD that is facing problems at home!
RS

myspace.com/robertsherry

[SusanMarie]

You must be honest with yourself. Once you are truly honest with yourself, then you will be OK with whatever happens.

[DonnaT]

Assuming it's your house, don't get out! Big mistake!
I agree.

My wife's known nearly the whole of our 32 years together. Trying to quit never worked out.

Last year she spoke of divorce, on our anniversary. I told her to do what she needed to, but I wasn't going anywhere. That she should know by now that I can't quit, and that going back into the closet was no longer an option.

We celebrated our 32nd anniversary this year.

[Casandra Carrington]

I can relate to your problem I too was married for many years, 3 kids...and all that..I was a crossdresser when she met me..for me to promise I would stop was not only not being honest with her but I wasn't being honest with myself...you must be honest with yourself...and until you are happy within how can you be happy or make anyone else happy...be free to express and to be who you were born to be..inside and out...be free little bird fly...and for the record if you have no problem with crossdressing then you are not the one with the problem you don't need a shrink....

[jenniferj]

Jenna,

Most competent therapists and counselors will acknowledge that there is no "cure" for crossdressing and will tell you that it is relatively harmless. Further, they will say that any "treatment" is likely to be severely damaging emotionally to the dresser.

Unfortunately there are also marriage counselors who will say that whatever somebody - most frequently the wife - thinks is a problem IS a problem and that the other party must accommodate her. Obviously, this is a problem for you - you probably can't quit, no matter how much you want to please your wife. You would like to avoid this type counselors, if at all possible. Please be sure to broach the topic with th therapist before your first session.

You might want to direct her to any of the many sites that discuss crossdressing from the wife's point of view - I can't point you explicitly to one, but I'm sure the good folks here can. Or you can web-surf until you find them. You might want to pre-screen them; not to censor what you show her as much as to present the positive ones first. If her bad feelings are initially reinforced, she may not stay for the counterpoint.

Above all, stress that this is a part of your overall being and that he man she loved and married and had kids with has always has had this as a part inside.

And be kind, and gentle, and assure her that you want to work this out. Suggest that the two of you develop compromises to start - for instance, maybe she can give you an evening each week for private time. The big thing is to communicate.

Please try to make this work!

-jj

[Emily Ann Brown]

I did the therapy thing. Was part of her "quit or get out" ultimatum. She picked a Christian counsellor (spelled "beat you pervert in the head with the Bible till you see the light"). After 4 months he told me not to come back, it "wasn't after all THAT big an issue except to her". If you want the marriage to survive then do the therapy thing. Avoid one with preconceptions. Eventually he/she will tell your wife you aren't curable and then maybe she will be open to talking about it and your marriage.


Emily Ann

[Cindi Ann Kelly]

I know what you are going through. Every time that I tried to
quit, I always went to the next level when I started to dress
again. Stay with it!

cindi ann