Need advice on telling my wife

[Secret Sis]

Well, I've finally come to the decision that I have to let my wife know about my CDing. I have so many reasons for wanting her to know... I don't want to hide it from her anymore, I don't want to live with the fear of being "caught" or "found out", she deserves to know the truth, etc...

We've been married a little over 8 years, known each other almost 10 years. In that time we've never had an actual argument. Any disagreements are always discussed in a calm rational manner and a solution acceptable to both of us is always reached. (This is the first time in my life I've been with anyone who didn't just storm out of the room whenever they didn't get their way or heard something they didn't like. I admire her so much for this quality!) I'm hoping that this won't be any different but I've never tried to tell anyone anything like this before.

Anyway, this Wednesday she's only working till noon and I have the day off. Depending on how her day is going, I was thinking of discussing this with her after a nice lunch together. Our two boys (ages 19 and 7) will be at work and school respectively so there will be plenty of time for a long talk.

I've sort of come up with some possible results (these percentages are VERY approximate and I may be totally wrong):
5% - She'll hate me and never want to speak to me again
20% - She'll be shocked but grudgingly accepting and never want to speak of it again
30% - She'll be shocked but at least curious, somewhat understanding and want to at least discuss it
30% - She'll be happy to know the truth and want to learn everything she can about it although probably not participate
15% - While still surprised, she may find it an idea worth having some "fun" with.

However she accepts this I am willing to stand by her decision... I in no way want to be in her face about this if she doesn't want anything to do with it, I just would never want her to come home from work unexpectedly and catch me dressed without knowing the truth about me. This is a real possibility now that she has started a new job less than 5 minutes from our house.

I must add - The extent of my CDing is a couple of hours a day maybe three times a week when I have the house to myself. I work in the evenings and my wife works during the day. My dressing consists mainly of lingerie (babydoll nighties mostly) and an occasional miniskirt (love to show off my legs) and strictly in the house by myself. I really have no interest in leaving the house dressed. I spend this time doing housework- usually dishes and laundry- things I hate doing dressed in male clothes- but I love doing them dressed female.

I do have some concerns though...
- That evening, She, I and our kids were going to celebrate her birthday (dinner, cake, gifts) and I wouldn't want our afternoon discussion to ruin her special day in any way. Her actual birthday is tomorrow, but our work schedules prevent us from seeing each other then. I keep thinking maybe I should put this off for a few more days, but I've been putting it off for a while now. If I don't use this occasion to tell her I'll have to wait another week or so before we have any extended "alone time" again. I must add that a special occasion like a birthday is never a big deal to her (or me) but I refuse to let the day go by without letting her know how special she is to me. I could never forgive myself if I ruined it. Do I tell her or do I wait?

- Also... I've run through in my mind exactly what I'm going to tell her- I want to include the complete truth and and let her know everything she wants to know in as non threatening a way as possible.... but... How do I start the conversation? In a way I want to keep it light but serious- I feel like phrases like "Can we talk?" or "I have something to tell you..." always sound so ominous... How do I begin this without making it sound like the worst possible thing she'd want to hear?

I want to thank everyone on these boards for all your help and information in helping me come to this decision... I couldn't have gotten to this point without you!

[cd300]

i know you feel you need to tell her but please do yourself a big favor wait until another day.. if the worst case senerio happens you know( her world is ruined) you dont want to do that on any type of special occasion exspecially her b-day... i know from expirience my one true opportunity came on one of my exes b-days and even though she was fairly supportive she'd always ask me why did i choose that day? said no matter what she'd probably always think about that on her b-day b/c of how i told her..i do hope you get the chance to talk to her soon but not the day u are planning i'd would definetly wait till a better time...

good luck
Jessica

[Di]

NOT ON HER BIRTHDAY that is HER day.....Try to find another day....have the 19 yr old watch the younger one...and plan out everything in advance in your mind. Be honest
try to explain why you CD and be prepared for the questions and tears, answer her questions honestly.Remind her how much you love her and need to tell her....explain why you kept it from her.....and you hated keeping it from her...that you feared losing her. Get material for her to read in the future when it sinks in. Don't push her take it at her pace and keep the communication going, you could later suggest this place let her know that there is a private GG forum here where she can get help and support.Best Wishes

[Gisele]

I totaly agree, Not on her birthday. Wait for another day.

[SANDRA MICHELLE]

I agree, pick a different day than her b-day. When you finally do tell her tell her how far you want to take this. I made the mistake of spoon feeding my wife a little at a time and that just don't work for anyone because you keep having to add more to the mix. An example of this is that when we first broke the news i told her it's just the need to do it a couple times a year, what a crock of crap that was. I really want to come out to everyone and dress full time as a woman, I want to take hormones and get breast augmentation surgery and I want all this to happen with her total approval. I've told her this as of 3 years after the first set of lies about how far I want to go. She now knows how far I want to go with this and I'll do it if she accepts it 100%, but that will not happen so I'll stay as I am for now because I just can't loose what I already have which is a fantastic life partner. Again figure out how far you want to take this and don't sugar coat anything if you are going to open up to her.

[Kris]

I do have some concerns though...
- That evening, She, I and our kids were going to celebrate her birthday (dinner, cake, gifts) and I wouldn't want our afternoon discussion to ruin her special day in any way. Do I tell her or do I wait?

How do I begin this without making it sound like the worst possible thing she'd want to hear?


I would say, like the other ladies, wait until it is not her special day. I think that is really selfish, to tell her then. You've kept the secret this long, it wont hurt for it to be a few more days, or even a few more weeks.

As for how to start a conversation, my idea is to bring home a dvd with Eddie Izzard on it.. who is incredibly funny.. and he dresses which opens the topic of conversation in a fun way, I think. That's how I brought this up to my kids... well most of them anyway.. In part of the show that they saw, he talked about how most cd'ers are straight and fancy women.. I am quite the clown too, so a funny way to bring things up always seems to be a good plan for me - but ultimately you know your wife, and I bet in your heart you know the best way she will take it.

:hugs: Kris

[Angie G]

If your going to do this good luck hun but don't do it on her birthday if it hurts her don't hurt her on that day :hugs:
Angie

[Kieron Andrew]

whoa doing it on her birthday is the biggest crueliest thing you could possibly do, especially if she doesnt accept then every year thats what she'll think of....to me thats very selfish thinking.....choose another day far away from her birthday as possible and on no other anniversaries either come to think of it!

[MJ]

i am in total agreement not on her birthday it's her special day

you know my ex found out a week before my birthday and i was ask to leave two days before my b-day What a way to remember thats so sad .. evan to this day i want to change the day i celebrate my birthday Apirl 10 :rose:

[Melissa Anne]

I agree with what others have said. Don't do it on her Birthday or on the day you are celebrating. Let that be her day. With that said, I think it is good that you want to be honest with your wife. When I told my wife I decided to put it all in writing so that I wouldn't leave anything out. I gave her the letter when we were both together, asked her to read it, and told her that we would discuss it when she was done reading. I gave her some private time to read and then we were able to sit down and have an open discussion. Whatever you do, be completely honest, make sure she knows you love her and that you will always be her husband and man, and be prepared to make some compromises and then live with them. Good luck. She sounds like a wonderful woman. Hopefully all will work out well. Let us know how it goes.

[Jilmac]

i agree with the other girls, not on her b'day, or any other special occasion for that matter. i was married twice. i told both before marriage, that i dressed. wife #1 freaked out and couldn't handle it. she would refer to it as my "problem" and was totally repulsed to even talk about it. wife #2 knew i liked to dress but thought i had quit, and when she found out i didn't she told me she didn't want her or the kids to ever see me dressed. so i hid my dressing for many years. i have some suggestions for telling your wife though. first, start the conversation by asking her if she ever saw tootsie with dustin hoffman. if she says no, rent it, watch it, and ask her what she thinks. also there is another movie (i can't remember the title) with patrick swayze, wesley snipes, and john lagatutto, where they play drag queens. find out what her reaction is to seeing actors in drag, then ask her how she would react if she knew someone personally who enjoyed dressing.you might be pleasantly surprized at her answer. anyway, the piont i'm trying to make is, be as subtle as possible at first, and then break it to her gently about your own dressing. pick a day when you can be totally alone with her with no interruptions, and be prepared for an adverse reaction. those are just my thoughts for now. good luck and please post a thread after the big day to let us know the outcome of your coming out. Jill

[Secret Sis]

Thanks to all answered here... I've gotta say you convinced me! I will tell her soon, but it will NOT be right before celebrating her birthday. (I don't know what I was thinking!) Hopefully another week or two and the time will be right.

All of your suggestions were great, I learn more useful stuff here every day! I don't know what I'd do without this site and the fantastic people on it!

Thanks again for all your kindness, your comments and for helping me to realize I almost made a big mistake...

I'll be sure to let you all know how things turn out when we finally do have "the talk", I really think knowing the wonderful person she is that in the end it'll be OK, but I am expecting things to be awkward for a little while.

Back into hiding for another week or so....:sad:

[faltenrock]

I must agree, don't tell her anytime near to her birthday. Telling her you're a CD is not really a present for her birthday - keep that in mind. You've been waiting for so long, another week or two don't really make any difference now. Use her birthday to show your love to her, take her to dinner, make some nice presents - but no lingerie or sexy clothes, she might take that wrong when you come out to her. Good luck anyway.

Btw, I didn't tell my wife early enough, that's the main problem between us and my CD.

[Sheri 4242]

First, you have made a wise decision to follow all the on-target advice to not do this on her birthday. It is her special day and the consensus is rightfully strong that this conversation is best left to another day and time.

Second, when you finally do "have 'the' talk," I am of the opinion that you should rework your mindset. I could be wrong, but it seems to me that, like many of us, in envisioning this talk, you are setting up an "unrealistic outcomes" scenario. For your consideration: "the talk" isn't something one can usually "pencil in" between 3:00 and 4:30 one afternoon. "The talk" often is a series of talks covering several days and even weeks and possibly months. Indeed, when you two have this conversation you may have pegged her possible reactions correctly; experience says maybe not so much.

The above having been said, let me relate a pertinent story: one of our "CD sisters" had "the talk" -- and as part of her props, had purchased several pieces of literature to have for her wife to read. We've often mentioned several books on CDing on this forum, and she got the title from one of those discussions. Unfortunately, she didn't read the book she purchased, just gave it to her wife "to help her understand." Yep, for those who are familiar -- or who are predicting where I'm headed -- one particular book was about TS and discussed HRT and SRS at great length in addressing transitioning. It took this CD sister months and months to undo what that one book did -- and while still trying to convince her wife that she was strictly a MTF heterosexual CDer. So, you've got prepare carefully -- and also beready for what many have expeienced in that you'll cover one topic or answer a particular question only to find that your wife brings the exact same question or issue up tomorrow, then a week from Thursday, then three weeks from Sunday. There is a great deal to digest, and what is black and white to you and me may fall somewhere in the gray scale for your wife.

Take baby steps and be honest. She might be willing to accept in part, yet reject in part, and that is ok if you are reasonable, patient, and care about her. It is a-ok to establish boundaries -- limits on your dressing, even limits on discussing it. Most of us have had decades to discover who and what we are -- and while we may be at a positive place about this, remember your background and how long you've had to read, discuss, explore, and adjust. It would be rare to sit a SO down and in one hour, twenty-five minutes have them totally accept something they have little or no orientation to. One afternoon?!!! How about a whole day? Or a weekend? Maybe have a catalyst (pop in a video like Ed Wood, then after eating some popcorn and watching it, tell her you want to share something that has to do with your very essence -- who and what you are, what you've lived with since discovery -- your fears and guilt, etc. "The talk" sould be a "NO distractions" event -- no tv to distract, no phone or kids to interrupt -- and plenty of time for "Q & A."

Sandra Michelle was right when she told you:

. . . tell her how far you want to take this. I made the mistake of spoon feeding my wife a little at a time and that just don't work for anyone because you keep having to add more to the mix. An example of this is that when we first broke the news I told her it's just the need to do it a couple times a year, what a crock of crap that was. I really want to come out to everyone and dress full time as a woman . . .

I am fortunate b/c I have a very accepting wife!!! I told her once I saw we were seriously heading towards engagement and marriage. There were a few things I held back on, which is why Sandra Michelle's comments ring so true! It isn't any fun going back and adding on once you have already told her that you have revealed the full extent of things. Holding back will lead her to wonder what else haven't you told her once she finds out that there is more.

Finally, don't do all the talking -- breathe and let her help set the pace! It would be very rare, IMHO, to tell a SO, then her say "ok, now let's watch a ball game." This IS a MAJOR thing!!! You'll probably get many of the common questions: "Are you gay?" "Do you want to become a woman?" -- and the thing to remember is you'll probably get them again -- and again. Also, if she wants certain boundaries, establish them!!! Boundaries can always be moved with growth in understanding and acceptance!!! My wife had, at first, a MAJOR hang-up about me wearing bras! So, a boundary was established for HER comfort. I'd wear one fom time-to-time, but she would get unhappy about it and remind me of the boundary. Finally, after some months, I brought the subject about bras up again and told her that I would continue to respect her wishes, but I wanted her to know that I didn't understand why she had this hangup, yet was so accepting of everything else, and MORE IMPORTANT, that for decades (since I was a mere child) bras were very important to me for unexplainable reasons. I had been wearing bras since I was probably about 9-10 y.o. -- in fact a bra was one of the very first articles of feminine clothing I had bought for myself. I told her that, to me, it was an ESSENTIAL part of the feelings that CDing gave my very soul. I then shut up!!! (The salesman's "death pause" -- he/she that speaks first looses!!!) After a day or two SHE moved the boundary!!! She said she didn't really understand -- that she couldn't wait to get her bra off everyday (and, that maybe this proved I was crazy since couldn't wait to put one on) -- but if it was that important to me, she'd agree I could wear them, BUT she wanted to request that I not wear one when were getting romantic in bed. I agreed and we moved forward. Since then, even the prohibition against wearing them while making love has modified itself -- it depends on who starts!!! And, my wife has bought me some very beautiful bras over the years.

All things with time!!!

[Secret Sis]

Wow Sheri... What fascinating reading! You've given me even more to think about!

I do intend on taking this as slowly as possible while at the same time letting her know all about me and leaving nothing out. I definitely want to give her all the time she needs when we have the initial "talk" and at any time in the future to ask me anything about this she needs to. In the past she has always shown me nothing less than 100% respect and I've always tried to do the same for her. I intend to approach this in exactly the same way.

As far as any reading material... I wouldn't dream of giving her anything to read without fully reading it myself first. This is the kind of subject where there are so many variations and different types of people- I'd hate for her to get the wrong idea about me by what she's reading somewhere.

All in all, I plan to give her as much information as I can and as she wants, and let her pretty much set the boundaries. I truly feel that by not telling her for all these years I have lost the privilege of deciding what role this will play in our relationship and I have to let her make that decision.

All I can do is offer all the help, understanding and love that I can to her and hope that she does the same for me. If past performance is any indicator for her I think that this journey will ultimately end well, although I'm expecting the road to be somewhat bumpy for a while.

Again... Thank you all so much for your comments and suggestions... It is so great to have all this help for a situation I never thought I'd discuss with anyone!:happy:

[Dixie Darling]

Secret Sis,

Others have already given you some great advice – ESPECIALLY about not coming out to her just before, or on, her birthday. In fact, how well you treat her on her birthday might be advantageous to you in your need to tell her about yourself. In addition you will have more time to prepare for what you are about to tell her.

I would highly recommend that you have some reputable printed material on hand when you start the talk. What you would want to assure her of is that regardless as to your needs to dress, SHE is still the woman in your life. The main questions and concerns she will probably have are those which seem to be pretty much universal among wives who discover that their husbands are crossdressers:
(1) Are you gay?
(2) Do you want to BE a woman?
(3) Is this going to lead to you having sex-change surgery?
(4) Why have you not told me about this before now?
(5) Just what ELSE have you not told me about?
You need to have good, honest answers for these as well as any other questions you can think of that she might ask. If you don’t KNOW the answers to anything she might ask, don’t try to fake your way through one – just tell her that you don’t know, but you’ll try to find out. One of these questions will almost always be “Why do you want to do this?”. This is always a question that has no answer since there aren’t any of us who truly know that we have this NEED (and it is most definitely a NEED).

Finally, if you haven’t already done so you might want to have a look at my web site (http://www.geocities.com/senorita_cd). There is a ton of information there that may be of benefit to you in what you’re about to do. In addition, there is also a lot of information there that is mainly for newly informed wives. If (after disclosure) you can get your wife to sit with you and read some of it, discussing the material as you go, it might help her to get a better idea about what crossdressing is – but of even greater importance, what it ISN’T.

Best of luck and please DO keep us informed.

Dixie -- http://www.geocities.com/senorita_cd

[paulaN]

Not on her birthday!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Alice B]

Your wife's personality sounds very much like my wife's. When I told her I first did a lot of research on the internet and selected articles that discussed cross dressing, who does it, why and all the other available data. I then printed out all that I though pertained to me and why I wanted to dress. I then gave her this information to digest, with written assurances that I was not gay, did not want to become a woman, etc. I then sat down with her, discussed it, gave her time to digest the written material and then sat down again with her. End result was her acceptance, with some ground rules. Over time her acceptance seems to be growing and my ability to express myself is becoming better. The key is open, honset conversation, which sounds exactly like what you plan to do. I wish you all the best in this difficult discussion.:hugs:

[NZ_Dawn]

Timing is a little late for my reply, but I do agree with others. I was trying tro summon up the courage and try and tell my wife just as you plan to when the inevitable happended. To make things worse it was close if not on our wedding anniversary. (I do remember when I was married :D ). My wife found me out before I could talk to her. I left it too late and was discovered which is not the way I wished it to be. This, for us, has created a harder time. If I told my wife I am sure things would be better since as she would not have felt 'betrayed'. I wish you all the best. :happy:

[danam]

Please tell us how it goes. There are many of us in similar circumstances. Like me, for instance.

[Secret Drawer]

I have been married for 7 years and have a second child on the way. My wife knows that I am a non vanilla person sexually, but I don't know how she would react to my CDing.
Has anyone "gotten caught" on purpose? She found some pantyhose in my car, (a new package)and left them on my seat, but never said anything. Sometimes I think she sort of knows, the whole thing is really frustrating at times. SD.

[BarbaraTalbot]

you don't want to do that on any type of special occasion especially her b-day...


NOT ON HER BIRTHDAY that is HER day.....


I totally agree, Not on her birthday. Wait for another day.


I agree, pick a different day than her b-day.


I agree with what others have said. Don't do it on her Birthday or on the day you are celebrating.

I stopped hitting the multi-quote when I realized we are unanimous in this!


What is it with the myopia us CD's have. Its like we are in our own little world and have so much trouble projecting reality into our fantasy world when we contemplate merging our fantasy world with real life.

I am NOT picking on you or pointing fingers. I actually planned in advance to tell my wife in the hotel room, maybe fully dressed up, on our ANNIVERSARY!!! I am so glad she found my newly acquired stash of clothes just a couple of weeks before my planned denouement. (I didn't used to dress up in full)

One of the things she was upset about was that very thing when she learned of my big plan.

My situation turned out great in the end, but I wish I'd had someone to listen to that would have given me a better idea.

It's great that you are thinking this through, its great that you don;t want to push this off on her. Make sure you communicate that to her. You might just cut and paste your post and give her that to read after you give her an outline in person verbally, (omitting any plans to tell her on her birthday ~grin~)

At first I mistook the quote below to be from the OP (Secret Sis) and didn't catch that this was a new poster. My comments sans the the pregnancy issues do however apply to you both I think...~confused!~


I have been married for 7 years and have a second child on the way. My wife knows that I am a non vanilla person sexually, but I don't know how she would react to my CDing.
Has anyone "gotten caught" on purpose? She found some pantyhose in my car, (a new package)and left them on my seat, but never said anything. Sometimes I think she sort of knows, the whole thing is really frustrating at times. SD.

DO NOT try to get caught on purpose. Be aware of and sensitive to her increased hormonal and body image issues that go along with bearing your child.

Oh and for the record, she already knows. Probably hasn't put it all together, so best you calmly fill in the blanks.

Best wishes for you both and good luck. From what you have said I think you are doing the right thing in your particular situation.

[Secret Sis]

Dixie...

What an amazing site you have! I'm hoping once my wife knows we can go there together... the information there will be so helpful to her I think. I have to say what a great idea it is to explain what CDing is NOT! I think that is so important!

Again... I'll keep you all posted on my and our progress...

Thanks for all the comments from everyone... This has all been so much help...:happy:

[Lawren]

I agree that you should tell her but I would not do it on her B-day. She may or may not be expecting anything special but that may turn out to be the worst b-day surprise that you could give her. In any case, a few more days won't make that much differecne.

[Secret Sis]

Just as an update:

Yesterday was the day to celebrate my wife's birthday and no, I didn't tell her! It turned out to be a wonderful afternoon and evening enjoying a dinner and dessert that I spent most of the day preparing as well as gifts for her to open.. She must have told me a dozen times how nice a day it turned out to be. I'm glad now that I didn't ruin it. Thanks to all for some advice that I think was right on. What a great example of just how vaulable we can be to each other on this forum!

I'm thinking next week will be the bombshell... Hopefully all will go well- I certainly don't want to lose this wonderful woman who means more to me than anything..:<3: I'm optimistic but cautious.... :hmmm:

[JoAnnDallas]

My wife caught me a couple of months ago. Up till then I was almost 110% convinced that it would go badly if she knew about my fem side. But she shocked me instead.


She'll be shocked but at least curious, somewhat understanding and want to at least discuss it

This kinka sums up her reaction. In the past I would dress in role-playing custome for SciFi Cons or when playing D&D. She told me she looks at my dressing the same way, just another form of role-playing. At the same time she does not want to see me dressed, but did agree to let me have a Saturday afternoon for myself. Works out for me, since the 1st Saturday of the month is also my Tri-Ess meeting.

[Di]

Just as an update:

Yesterday was the day to celebrate my wife's birthday and no, I didn't tell her! It turned out to be a wonderful afternoon and evening enjoying a dinner and dessert that I spent most of the day preparing as well as gifts for her to open.. She must have told me a dozen times how nice a day it turned out to be. I'm glad now that I didn't ruin it.

I'm thinking next week will be the bombshell... Hopefully all will go well- I certainly don't want to lose this wonderful woman who means more to me than anything..:<3: I'm optimistic but cautious.... :hmmm:

Very glad she had a great bday.....well done:thumbsup: Best Wishes next week...we will be pulling for ya:hugs:

[Secret Sis]

Just an update.....

I still haven't told my wife - there really haven't been many opportunities for lengthy discussion alone due to our conflicting schedules, but we will have some days off together soon. Hopefully that will be the time....

It's strange... part of the time I'm almost excited about the prospect of telling her, thinking that she will eventually become accepting, and at other times I am absolutely terrified at the thought of letting her know.

I've gone over what I want to say so many times in my head, just wish I could say the words out loud.....

That's all for now... I will be sure to post when I finally do summon up the nerve....

[confused99]

I know how you feel regarding being excited. I have hidden this all for far to long, and after reading lots of accepting comments on this site decided I would tell my SO. I was excited at possibly being free of the closet, but on the other hand I was terrified if it all went horribly wrong.

I'd made a few comments about her stealing my socks, and how, if she steals my socks I'll steal her panties. She said ok then, do it (I guess expecting me to back out), but I put them on and kept them on all day. At the end of the day when she noticed I still had them on, she didn't freak out, which I thought she would. This I convinced myself was a sure sign that she'd accept my fem side (naive I know!)

Unfortunately I didn't do much preparation, and although I'd been through the conversation a few times in my head, the moment it started it all slipped down hill. Within a few minutes she'd said with eyes open wide "Your starting to freak me out, are you trying to tell me your a crossdresser!". That's when I bottled it and moved the conversation on, I guess I wasn't brave enough to take that final leap of faith. As far as she currently knows, I like to wear underwear occasionally.

I've approached the situation a few times since then and the exact same questions I've seen in other comments have come up, namely a) A you gay b) Oh my god, my husband wants to become a woman....

To be honest I think my timing was aweful, I'm still trying to understand this whole thing myself, how on earth can I explain to somebody the urge to wear womens clothes, and that it's not about BECOMING female. This thing is SO far from her comfort zone.

So several weeks on, things aren't moving that well, and in fact I think I'm starting to close off into my own little world as I start to finally let my fem side stretch her legs after being squashed down inside me for years, not good, I know.

I've managed to joke around this a bit. In response to her saying "Next you'll be telling me you want to become a woman" I said, I don't want to BECOME a woman... after all, who would park the car? :)

[Secret Sis]

You said it perfectly, Confused!

I can't believe the way that I just don't know what to expect! She is an absolutely WONDERFUL woman who I think is willing to accept just about anything about me, but I just don't know if this is over the top. I don't think she'll think I'm gay (I absolutely am NOT in any way , I LOVE women.. especially her) and I have absolutely NO desire to become a woman either. I am not at all interested in going out of the house dressed and am very happy to dress occasionally at home alone in the few things I have now (although like any of us I'd love to shop for more). I don't wear her clothes and I wouldn't without her permission.

I'm just so tired of hiding this from her when I probably don't have to... I just could never forgive myself if I hurt her but I believe she has the right to know the whole truth about me. She has been so good to me and constantly treats me like a king. I think the thing that amazes me the most is the respect we always show for each other. That was never there in my previous two marriages. That respect she has for me is what I believe will make my telling her be OK. I hope I'm right about that....

There are so many other reasons for telling her... I don't want her finding out some other way.. catching me at home or finding something that I forget to put away, maybe she accidentally finds my "stash"... it goes on and on, but more than anything she just deserves to know.

I'm really hoping that once she knows we will be able to discuss it at length so that over time (and that may be quite a lot of time) she can become somewhat comfortable with it... I've imagined the day where she can make a joke about it in her loving way- that's when I'll know that I have nothing to worry about.

I feel like the luckiest man in the world to be married to her and I want to continue to be that man she needs and loves... there's just an occasional feminine side that it's only fair she knows about.

[Shelly Preston]

You may want to read this link in my signature

It was written by Marla GG and it explains how to tell your partner

[silkandsatincd]

Hi Secret Sis,

I just recently told my wife. She was shocked and thought I was kidding her at first. I assured her I wasn't. She thought it was very odd, and wasn't very understanding or accepting of my desire to crossdress. It was the most difficult conversation I ever had with my wife. I am giving her time and space to absorb this revelation after being married for almost 7 years. It took me a year to get up the guts to tell her. I knew it wasn't going to be easy, but I thought it was better to tell her rather than be discovered. I guess it was partly about damage control, but ultimately it was about honesty and not wanting to keep this a secret any longer. Best of luck to you.

Eve

[Rachel Morley]

At the risk of being a pain in the butt for promoting my wife's post, here's something Marla wrote a while back that you'll find all over the web, and that many people told her helped them so much. Why not just give it a quick read. :happy:

Good luck.

How to tell your partner - by Marla Morley (http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?t=13841)

[scherylnmke]

So, here's my :2c: first you have to tell her how much you love her and what the world she means to you; second tell her that you've never told anyone else of this(I did'nt so I was truthful); third, don't try to give her the stats, psych reasons, your pictures, let her digest this slowly; and fouth, you've harboured this secret since... and she is the only one to know. This was my way and some 10+ years later we shop for/with each other, when she needs make-up she ask's if I need anything. She's my best critic/admirer and I don't know what I'd do without her. Also don't prolong the 'talk' by saying there is something I have to tell you later or something like that.

[Billijo49504]

Tjhis Friday is our anniversary, But I took her to LB, she had the ability to buy anything she wanted. Butshe bought more at VS, In bras and cosmetics...B

[marny]

While I am not without compasion for your dilemma I am deeply suspect of your thought of disclosing something that is life changing on a special day for her. In spite of your suggestion that a birthday doesn't mean that much to her, I don't believe it and I don't think you do either. It sounds more like you are trying to hurt her if she gives you your 5% answer, and by doing on her birthday it almost seems as if that is the answer you want. Happy Birthday Honey. Oh, by the by, BAM! Sorry to be blunt but I am just looking at this from a different angle. :2c:

[Melinda G]

If you haven't told her yet, DON"T! For every wife or SO who accepts the CDing, probably ten don't! Read this site carefully. See how many of us were asked to leave, or were dumped after "coming out". If your CDing doesn't affect her, or your sex life, then she doesn't have to know about it. You can carry this "honesty" stuff too far sometimes. Women have their secrets. Men can have them too. You are risking your marriage, your kids, and your home, in order to get some kind of green light, or acceptance for your crossdressing. And you don't even have 50/50 odds. Even with the best outcome, she will never again see you as the man she once knew. You have a lot to lose, and little to gain by telling her. Don't do it!
She may even stay with you, for the kids, or financial reasons, but you could find yourself in a sexless marriage, because she is repelled by your crossdressing.